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I received a touching email the other day that got me thinking about how I want to be remembered when my time on earth comes to an end. The email is a brief and beautiful story from one of my favorite authors that I share in today’s show. My guess is that after you hear it, you will want to reflect on how you want to be remembered too. But before we get into today’s episode, here’s what this podcast is all about. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you’ve come to the right place. Here you’ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I’m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page to the yellow "Subscribe" button, then enter your name and email address in the fields above it. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. The author of one of my all-time favorite books One of the top five books I’ve ever read is Quiet - The Power of Introverts in A World That Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain. I’ve mentioned the book in previous episodes, and I think at some point I should do a deeper dive review of it. She has a new book that came out late last year in 2022 that is also worthy of a review, Bittersweet - How Sorrow and Longing Make Us Whole. I’ll have links to both books in the show notes. With two books under her belt, and online courses she developed, Susan Cain also started a weekly email newsletter, which I signed up for. Sign up for my own weekly email newsletter As a side note here, many of the listeners to this podcast also get my weekly email which gives a brief description of that week’s episode. If you’re not getting this yourself every Wednesday, and would like to, go to johncertalic.com, scroll a few inches down the page, and under “Actionable relationship insights delivered weekly to your inbox,” enter your name and email address. Okay. Back to Susan Cain and the story she tells in the recent email she wrote. Here’s what she said: On my way to tennis a few weeks ago, I realized I forgot my water bottle at home. I pulled into a gas station and asked if they sold water. "We have no store," said the attendant. Then he looked at me, went to his office, and came back with two bottles of Poland Spring. I pulled out my wallet. “No, no,” he said, waving off my dollars with a wistful smile. “You have the face of my mother.” The man wasn’t young; he wore a turban and spoke with a heavy accent; he was far from his childhood home. I imagine it’s been many years since he last saw his mother. I drove away with tears in my eyes. The gift he gave me that day was precious as water itself. This is why we’re alive – for moments like this… What a beautiful line, This is why we’re alive – for moments like this… I’ll come back to it in a little bit Her encounter with the gas station attendant reminded me of a similar event I experienced last summer. A similar encounter My wife Janet and I wanted to get together with our three local grandkids, so we offered to take them out to dinner one evening. They wanted to go to Mod Pizza. It’s one of those chain restaurants where you go through a line and they make a personal pizza for each person. It looks like an assembly line where they add any of the ingredients you want onto your pizza, and then they stick it in a blazing stone oven. You go sit down at a table and they call you when your individual pizza is done and out of the oven. So there we were in line, Janet, our three adult-size grandkids all taller than her, and me at the end of the line. As we waited, we joked around with each other until it was our turn to order. One by one each person in our party told the pizza preparer the ingredients they each wanted on their pizza. The person behind the counter making our pizzas was a friendly sort in her mid-20s; working a part-time job was my guess. I was last in line and when it came to my turn to order, she looked up at me from the last pizza she had just finished, smiled, and said in a surprised and cheerful tone. “Oh, you look just like my father.” I smiled back at her and quickly bantered with her saying, “I bet he is a very handsome man." She paused briefly, and then smiled again and said wistfully, “Yeah, he was. He died 6 months ago. You remind me of him.” A reflective moment I don’t remember what I said next. Did I say “Oh, I’m sorry for your loss?” I don’t remember. I was so taken by her smile and the nostalgic expression on her face that spoke volumes about her relationship with her father. Here is a young woman who loved her father, who felt loved by him, and who was so very grateful for this loving relationship they shared. It was all over her face. I enjoy being with our grandkids every time we’re together. But all I could of the rest of this evening was this 20-something pizza preparer. Her smile told me her father must have been a good man, a good father. It was a bittersweet moment to be thought of  like him. I felt honored. It made me wonder how I’ll be remembered by my wife and kids, and grandkids when I’m gone. What will they think of me 6 months after the funeral? Will they smile fondly as the pizza preparer did to me? “This is why we’re alive - for moments like this.” Earlier I mentioned that I was taken by the line from Susan Cain’s email that I quoted, “This is why we’re alive - for moments like this.” We all leave something of ourselves behind, intentionally or not. Something of ourselves that blesses people and invokes gratitude, or sadly, sometimes just the opposite. We’re connected with each other more than we realize. I would like to be remembered for how I related to people. Was I kind to others? Did I bring out the best in people? Was I humble? Above all, did I reflect well the character of God, which is why I was brought into the world in the first place? It’s why you and Susan Cain were brought into the world, as well. It’s the best way to be remembered after we’ve left this life. Sometimes that’s all we need to know about who we are and how we are to live. This is why we’re alive - for moments like this. Another connection point Getting back to Susan Cain’s email and her story about the gas station attendant, she said If you’ve had an experience like this (or a distant cousin to this), I would love to hear about it. (I read every single one of your e-mails, and do my best to reply to some of them.) So I wrote back to her and summarized the story I just told you about the pizza preparer who said I reminded her of her father who died six months earlier. A week later I received an email from a person by the name of Renee, who indicated she was Susan Cain’s chief of Staff. Her email said, Dear John --  Susan read and loved your letter. It gave her goosebumps!  She asked me to tell you she was so happy you wrote to her and that you're part of our community. We wish you the very best!  — R My best, Renee Here’s another connection. My mother’s name was Renee. She died 10 years ago. So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you’ve heard today to help you find more joy in the relationships in your life? I think God used the 20-something pizza preparer to cause me to reflect on how I want to be remembered. I thought her father is someone I’d like to be like. Where 6 months after my funeral, the family will be out for pizza and they’ll see someone that reminds them of me. And it will bring a smile to everyone’s face. I can’t control what their response will be after I’m gone. What I can control now is my behavior, attitude, and values which gives me the best chance of being remembered well. The same is true for you, too. How do you want to be remembered? It’s not too late to start being the person you want to be. And if you’re about 80% there, rejoice and be glad in the progress you’ve made. Trust God to help you with the other 20% as you get closer to the finish line. If you forget everything else from today’s episode, here’s the one thing I hope you remember It’s wise to think now about how you will be remembered. You still have time to become the best version of yourself that will make people smile after you’re gone. Closing Before we wrap up today’s show, if you’d like some input regarding a relationship question or issue you’re dealing with, I’d love to hear from you. Just go to JohnCertalic.com/question to leave me a voicemail. If you’d rather put your question in writing, enter it in the Comment box at the bottom of the show notes. I’ll do my best to answer your question in a future episode. In closing, I’d also love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to think about how you want to be remembered, and what you might need to do to make that happen. For when you think and reflect upon things like this, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that’s it for today. If there’s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar. And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. Remind them of someone good in their life. And I’ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Other episodes or resources related to today’s shows 130: Be Thankful We Can Make Memories for People 021: The Most Important Relationship of All Susan Cain’s books Bittersweet - How Sorrow and Longing Make Us Whole Quiet - The Power of Introverts in A World That Can’t Stop Talking Last week’s episode 195: Words Matter All past and future episodes:   JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly

In today’s program, I’m going to share three listener responses to recent episodes. I’m doing so because your words matter to me, and to our other listeners, as well. Keep listening, and you’ll pick up an idea or two to try with your relationships. Be sure to stick around to the end to hear a story of how a listener applied what she heard in one of our recent shows that made a difference in her life. But before we get into today’s episode, here’s what this podcast is all about. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you’ve come to the right place. Here you’ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I’m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. A listener responds to “The Underachievers Bible Reading Plan for 2023.” The first listener response I’m sharing is in reference to episode 193, “ The Underachievers Bible Reading Plan for 2023.” It comes from Randy, a listener from Pittsburgh. He writes: “Good morning John, I listened this morning to this week’s You Were Made for This. I appreciated how you described an approach to engaging with scripture. It reminded me of what I’ve been doing for the last year, since bringing Tiana into our family. (Tiana is their new family dog) As I am reading passages, I place a mark when I’ve completed a section. I also have my stack of prayer cards I use as my bookmark. “ Thanks for your feedback, Randy. I should add that in the show notes for that week’s episode, I included a photo of me reading the Bible, with our new cat, Father Patrick O’Malley, sitting on my lap. So I think that may have reminded Randy of doing the same thing with their dog. And good luck with your new pal, Randy! Words matter in the Bible - Listen, rather than read them Another listener, Darlene, also offered her take on the same episode about Bible reading. She offered a different approach that I will have to try. Darlene writes, “This is the second year I’ve been doing the Daily Audio Bible (DAB) with Brian, Jill, and their daughter, China Hardin.  Last year I decided to listen to the chronological reading with Jill and China. That was my first chronological experience. Very interesting. We didn’t get to the New Testament until October. “This year I am doing the read-through with Brian Hardin who reads portions of the OT, NT, PS, and PROV each day.  He is excellent with his brief overviews after each daily reading. What I also like is that every week he reads from a different translation. “I think I’ve read through the Bible once. It is a challenge not to get behind. The audio is great as I can play it each morning while getting ready.” Thank you, Darlene, for your comments about reading the 66 books of the Bible in chronological order, and also for the idea of listening to an audio version of the Bible. I’ll have a link to the Daily Audio Bible near the end of the show notes. It includes a free app for your mobile device and a web player for your computer. How words matter to this listener The last listener feedback I’m sharing with you today comes from Rosy Scott in response to episode 192, “Word of the Year for 2023 - Read” As I read her comments, you’ll see how words matter a great deal to her. Listen to the impact they had on her recently. Rosy writes, “John, “I really like the simplicity of your word of the year. In past years I’ve chosen a motivating word, but within months could not even remember what I had picked. “I listened to this episode twice in the past two days and have landed on my own simple word for 2023. This year I am choosing ‘words’ for my own word of the year. “Words are a renewable resource that cost me so little to share. When I am generous with them, they often brighten my own soul as much as the recipient. “It is surprising how often taking a chance and offering the gift of words brings a positive result far greater than the painless effort. “Words have the power to give life and cause pain. I have experienced both this year and can testify that when I share words of kindness, there is no better medicine for my own wounds or loneliness. Words matter with strangers “Just this morning as I began a morning jog down a familiar street, an unexpected stranger waved. Then she called out to me with a smile ‘enjoy your run!’ “Those simple but generous words fueled me to stop two blocks later to talk for just a minute with another person I’ve occasionally seen walking her 3-legged dog for the last many months. “Thanks to words, both of us parted with smiles in our hearts as those easy sixty seconds, combined with some previously shared words, pointed us toward potential friendship. “Thanks to your words John, I am going to be more intentional about using words to connect with both strangers and friends. “And thanks to lessons I learned the hard way in 2022, treat words with the healthy fear and respect they deserve. “Perhaps 2023 will become my year to use words for healing and repair, instead of destruction which comes so much easier than I am often willing to admit. Until the damage has already been done. “Thank you for your generosity with words via your podcast and weekly email! Blessings to you in the coming year…” And thank you, Rosy, for your beautifully written words. I love the examples you give of their power to bless people. May you, and the rest of us, hear kind, empowering, and compassionate WORDS spoken to us this year. And may we speak these same kinds of words ourselves to others who need to hear them. Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode Words matter. Our words to others and their words to us. They have the power to bless or destroy. Be careful what we speak, hear, and read. Use them wisely and with care to bless others and ourselves. Treasure the truth we find in them. Closing Before we wrap up today’s show, if you’d like some input regarding a relationship question or issue you’re dealing with, I’d love to hear from you. Just go to the contact page on our website, johncertalic.com to let me know what’s on your mind. I’ll do my best to answer your question in a future episode. In closing, I’d also love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. Just scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and enter them in the Leave a Comment box. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to treasure the truth we find in the words we speak, and those we hear. Because words matter. When you do this, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God designed for you. You Were Made for This, as you know by now. Well, that’s it for today. If there’s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar. And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Other episodes or resources related to today’s shows Daily Audio Bible - https://dailyaudiobible.com/ Episode 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? Episode 021: The Most Important Relationship of All Last week’s show 194: Martin Luther King, jr. - The Silence of Our Friends All past and future episodes: JohnCertalic.com/podcast Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Here in the US, the third Monday of January is a national holiday to honor Dr. Martin Luther King, jr., the civil rights leader. I recently came across one of his quotes where he said “In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. ” I’ve seen the truth of his comment played out several times in my life. It's what I talk about in today’s episode because it speaks to a relational skill we would do well to master. But first, Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you’ve come to the right place. Here you’ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I’m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. The day our pastor yelled at me When I first read the quote from Martin Luther King an incident popped up into my mind, like a jack-in-the-box that just sprung loose. It was the time the silence of my friends drowned out the words of my “enemy.” It happened the night the pastor of the church yelled at me. A deacon board meeting at church (we had no elder board at the time) A concern we talked about that evening was people leaving the church The 8 of us sat at several tables arranged in a horseshoe. I suggested we contact those leaving and ask why. Do exit interviews The pastor got angry, and while pounding his fist on a table said to me, “We don’t need to do that. I know why people are leaving. It’s families where the wife wears the pants in the family. Those are the people who are leaving the church!” His take on the problem was completely inaccurate. His anger caught me and everyone else off guard. I never considered him my “enemy.” But what struck me most about that evening and what I remember to this day was the “silence of my friends” sitting at that board meeting with me. Without regard to the pastor’s analysis of the issue, which in my view was woefully inaccurate, no one said anything in the meeting. Notjhing about his yelling at me and pounding his fist on the table. Even if you agreed with the pastor’s view, it was inappropriate to respond as he did. The silence of our friends No one said a word to him, or to me, and I felt like I was hanging in the wind because no one called the pastor out for his outburst Who are these people I thought? Are they that weak? Days latter an older man on the board, my father’s age, did tell me privately that the pastor’s reaction to my suggestion was totally inappropriate. But he said nothing at the meeting As I think about that night, I think about the times I’ve been weak myself in failing to speak the truth when someone needed defending. I can think of two occasions where I failed to stand up strongly enough for two different youth pastors in two different churches. Both of these guys were great youth pastors. In one case, the board was legalistic and intolerant of new ways of doing youth ministry, and in the other, the senior pastor was intimidated by how gifted his youth pastor was in relating to people, and in his preaching, which was superior to his own. Others who spoke for me when I couldn't speak for myself These examples of “the silence of our friends” reminds me of several times when people actually did stand up for me. When they spoke for me. As a high school student, an English teacher recognized that I was capable of higher-level academic work and advocated for me to be placed on a more advanced track. In my book, THEM, I write about a guidance counselor who was able to get financial aid for me to attend college 250 miles from home when I had no hope of ever getting any help. It’s no exaggeration to say that what she did changed the course of my life. For the better. There are times in life when we could all use an advocate. And there are times when God presents us with opportunities to be an advocate for others. To speak on their behalf when they can’t speak for themselves. Ending my silence to speak for those who couldn’t A number of years ago I was at an annual meeting of the church we were attending. These are normally pretty dull affairs, at least for me. But in this particular meeting, there was a discussion about a missionary couple the church had been supporting for many years. The plan at this meeting was to stop supporting this couple because they were “retiring” and moving back to the US. People seemed in favor of this idea. But I knew this coupleI knew that their definition of “retiring” was to return back to the US and continue the Bible translation work they had been doing for people groups in Asia for several decades. They didn’t need to be in Asia to do their work, but they still planned to travel back there on occasion. They were going to be working just as hard in the US as they were in Asia. I’m not one to speak up in meetings like this, but I did this time. I couldn’t sit in silence while decisions were made about them. Fortunately, that original proposal was dropped, and their support continued. Speaking up for teenagers I was a teacher back in the ‘70s at a high school in a semi-rural area in S.E. Wisconsin Kids, mostly boys complained about the poor condition of the student parking lot behind the school. Lots of potholes. Suspension systems being ruined. It was a mess. The students voiced their complaints, but nothing was done to correct the problem My solution: check with the police and see if there is anything prohibiting parking along the highway in front of the school. If it’s legal to park there, start doing that and see what happens. So that’s what they did. It caught the attention of everyone. Within a couple of months, the city passed a “no parking” ordinance and put up signs along the highway in front of the school. Eventually, the parking lot was repaired. It brought me joy seeing these kids getting their voices heard. Their actions broke the silence of the school administration in ways their words could not. It’s been decades since this happened and several years ago I happened to be driving past this old high school where I taught and saw that the “No Parking” signs are still there. So what does all this mean for YOU? It’s just a couple of days past the Martin Luther King holiday here in the US, and it makes me wonder how the quote of his I mentioned in the beginning has been part of your experience. Where you remember not so much the words of your enemies as you do the silence of your friends. It also makes me wonder if you are anything like me, where your silence, is like mine. And it has kept you from speaking up for someone who can’t speak for themself. Is there anyone you think God may want you to advocate for? We certainly are not to speak up about everything. And many times the wisest thing to do is to sit in our silence and watch what happens. It takes Godly wisdom to know when to speak, and when to remain silent. Here’s the main of the episode I hope you take away with you Here in the week where we honor Martin Luther King, jr. let’s take his words to heart and not become one of those he mentions in his statement, “We remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.” Let’s pray for wisdom to know when, and how, to speak up and give voice to those who can’t speak for themself. Closing Before we wrap up today’s show, if you’d like some input regarding a relationship question or issue you’re dealing with, I’d love to hear from you. Just go to JohnCertalic.com/question to leave me a voicemail. If you’d rather put your question in writing, just enter it in the "Leave a Comment" box at the bottom of the show notes. I’ll do my best to answer your question in a future episode. In closing, I’d also love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, enough to put into practice what you’ve just heard about speaking up for others who need you. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that’s it for today. If there’s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes. Then click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar. And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Other episodes or resources related to today’s shows 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 021: The Most Important Relationship of All THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others The place to access all past and future episode:  JohnCertalic.com Last week’s episode 193: The Underachievers Bible Reading Plan for 2023 Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Last week’s episode, number 192, was about my pick for word for the year: Read. If you’re not much of a reader and can only tackle one book this year, I suggest read the Bible. Some people follow a Bible Reading plan that gets them through the entire book in one year. But if you’re an underachiever like me, I’ve got a more manageable, guilt-free way to read the Bible. Keep listening to learn what it is and how it could work for you. But before we get into all this, here’s what this podcast is all about. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you’ve come to the right place. Here you’ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I’m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. Intimidated by Pat Boone I recently read a Wall Street Journal article about Pat Boone entitled “Last of the Hollywood Squares.” It was about how this actor, whom I’m guessing is about 420 years old by now, has capitalized on his squeaky-clean image throughout his career. He stands in stark contrast to the typical Hollywood actor that comes to mind these days. The article talked about Pat Boone’s faith and that he has read through the entire Bible for each of the past 40 years. 40 Years! Yikes! Read through the Bible in a year People like this intimidate me. I’ve read through the entire Bible I think 3 times. But I’m clearly an underachiever when compared to Pat Boone. I followed a Bible reading plan that each day of the year included chapters from the old testament, the new testament, and the book of psalms. I would read the selected passages for the day, and then put a checkmark in the box next to that day's reading. I’m glad I did this. I saw themes and issues that repeated themselves that gave me insight as to what is important to God, which in turn showed me how I should then live. If you like feeling a sense of accomplishment, this type of plan works well. The downside to this reading plan for underachievers like me is that some days I’m just reading to be able to check off the box that I completed the task. Some days I was reading just to read, and not to draw closer to God and understand him better. That’s the underachiever in me. Another downside, if this is the first time you’re considering reading through the Bible in a year, is that we’re already 11 days into the new year as of the date of this episode. It puts you 11 days behind most Bible reading plans. Another option But I have an alternative I’d like you to consider. Last summer I came across an idea from a Bible teacher I heard at a Christian family camp we’ve been going to for years. As an aside to whatever he was talking about that day, he said in passing, “If you want to get to know Jesus better, read just 3 chapters a day from the Gospels, and you’ll finish all four of them in a month.” I started doing that on September 1, but by the middle of the month I got behind, and then on some days couldn’t figure out where I ended the day before so I could start the next day’s reading. As an underabhvier, this was not surprising. So I came up with a slightly different Bible reading plan. This one could work for you, too. My Underachievers Bible reading plan for 2023 is to still stick with just reading a portion of the four gospels every day this year. It will mean going over the four Gospels several times during the course of 2023. The difference between this plan and the one from the Bible teacher I heard last summer, is that sometimes I’ll read 3 chapters in a day, sometimes 2, and maybe even 4 chapters. Plus, it’s easier to keep track of. Here’s how it works. Here’s how it works Open your Bible and start reading the first complete chapter that begins on the page on your left. Continue reading onto the page on the right side. Start any new chapter that starts on the right-hand page, and don’t stop until you’ve completed reading the chapter. This will usually mean turning the page, and finishing up that chapter on the next page on your left. You stop here for the day. Tomorrow, you pick up where you left off with a new complete chapter on the page on your left. It’s rinse and repeat every day. For example, today I opened my Bible to the page where I placed the burgundy bookmark ribbon yesterday after finishing that day’s reading. I’m in the Gospel of John at the moment. The left page continues the text from the end of John 12 from yesterday’s reading. I started today’s reading with the first complete chapter on the left-hand page, chapter 13. It continues onto the right page and ends there. Chapter 14 starts here, and then I turn the page to get to the rest of chapter 14, which ends in the middle of the page and where I stop for the day. I place my bookmark here, which tells me where I start the next day. So you start each day with a new complete chapter, and you end each day finishing a chapter. Using a bookmark eliminates the need to check off a box for a pre-determined reading for a particular day. If you’re a box checker-offer, type, this approach may not work for you. But for underachievers like me, this bible reading plan works well for getting to know Jesus better. Here’s what I’ve noticed I’ve been doing this for four months now, just reading through the four gospels multiple times as I’ve described. Here are a few things I’ve noticed in my reading. The story never gets old. It’s like looking at a painting several times over a period of time and seeing something new each time you see it again. I’ve seen how much Jesus spoke against the religious leaders of the day and their hypocrisy. How they misled people and were out to hold onto the power they had over people How much Jesus loved people The lengths to which Jesus used simple stories to illustrate profound truths How a relationship with Jesus is not as hard as we make it. In John 6:28-29 a crowd of people who weren’t quite sure what they thought of Jesus say to him. “…we want to perform God’s work, too. What should we do? Jesus replies, “This is the only work God wants from you: Believe in the one he has sent.” Let that sink in for a minute. Religion at times makes it harder to get to know Jesus. I don’t remember where in the gospels I read it, but there’s a scene where the disciple are walking with Jesus around town and pointing out buildings to him. I find this humorous and wonder if the gospel writer saw it too, this guided tour telling Jesus what he was already well aware of. It made me chuckle. So what does all this mean for YOU? I’ve said it many times before that this podcast is all about finding joy in the relationships God designed for us. The most important relationship is our relationship with Jesus. Following a bible reading plan, any plan, helps nurture that relationship. You will find more joy in life the more you read about Jesus and what he tells you. He will be the most impactful person you can read about this year. Take time to discover more about Him this year, a little each day, following a bible reading plan. Here’s the main idea I hope you take away from today’s episode Reading through the whole Bible this year is one of the most enriching things you can do for yourself. But if this seems too daunting a task right now, give reading 2 or 3 chapters a day from the Gospels a try. Cut yourself some slack, and it’s okay if you miss a day here and there. Closing Before we wrap up today’s show, if you’d like some input regarding a relationship question or issue you’re dealing with, I’d love to hear from you. Just go to JohnCertalic.com/question to leave me a voicemail. If you’d rather put your question in writing, just enter it in the Leave a Comment box at the bottom of the show notes. I’ll do my best to answer your question in a future show. In closing, I’d also love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, enough to put into practice a Bible reading plan to get to know Jesus better. Well, that’s it for today. If there’s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar. And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. Ask people what they’re reading these days. Tell them what you’re reading. And I’ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Other episodes or resources related to today’s shows 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 021: The Most Important Relationship of All Last week’s episode 192: Word of the Year for 2023 - Read The place to access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

I received an email recently from a fellow podcaster. He mentioned how he picks a word at the beginning of January to help him stay focused for the year. His 2022 word of the year was “celebrate.” For 2023 he chose “authentic.” Apparently lots of people are choosing a word of the year for themselves. I googled the phrase “Word of the Year for 2023” and found 1,060,000,000 entries. Keep listening to hear my pick for word of the year for 2023 and what it could mean for you. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you’ve come to the right place. Here you’ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I’m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. Word of the Year for 2023 Some people like to pick a word for the year at the end of the year to summarize what life has been like for them over the past 12 months. The dictionary people at Merriam-Webster, for example, chose “gaslighting” as their word of the year for 2022. They say it has come to mean “the act or practice of grossly misleading someone, especially for a personal advantage.” The word has an interesting origin and a more robust definition, but we’ll have to save that for another episode. Like my podcaster friend, though, I would rather come up with a word of the year at the beginning of the year, not at the end. So my pick for word of the year for 2023 is “Read.” Why “Read”? Here’s why I picked this word, rather than any number of other worthwhile words. It starts with a quote I recently came across that I’ve found to be so insightful. It comes from William Nicholson, the playwright most famous for his play, Shadowlands, the story of C.S. Lewis and his relationship with Joy Gresham whom he eventually marries. Again that’s a subject for another podcast. Be that as it may, Nicholson says “We read to know we are not alone.” I find this rather profound. It speaks to the issue of loneliness which plagues many of us, me included, and offers a remedy. We read to know we are not alone. A text I read recently Here is an example of something I read recently about someone’s experience that resonated with me, and reminded me I’m not alone. It’s a text I received that I’ve altered slightly to protect the privacy of a listener who wrote it. I’ll call her Emily. She writes Well, I just listened to your Podcast 187, “Angels We Have Heard On High.” You asked if anyone wanted to share a Christmas Memory. You did have a deadline, and I missed it. However, I wanted to share with you what I discovered when I asked my husband James if he had a joyful Christmas memory that stood out in his mind. He thought and thought and couldn’t come up with one. So now I understand why he has never been excited about Christmas in our 52 years of marriage. Has never done any Christmas shopping…didn’t participate in any decorating…I cannot remember getting a gift that he shopped for…and at work, he was known as the “grinch.” It caused more stress in our relationship which ultimately caused me to stop Christmas shopping, and I do very little decorating. So, thanks to you, John, I at least now understand “why.” Greater appreciation of people comes from reading their story I so identify with both people in this little story. Like, James. I can’t think of a joyful Christmas memory from my childhood. I have many as an adult, but none as a kid. But I also got the sense that James has no adult joyful memories of Christmas either. I feel fortunate that I’ve been able to not let the dysfunctional part of my past interfere with the joy of the present. On the one hand, I felt encouraged by what I read in Emily’s text. I so easily could have been like her husband James, and her text reminded me of how blessed I am that God saved me from being stuck in my past. I wish the same would be true for James. And at the same time, I feel sad for Emily because her husband hampers her Christmas experience, and sadness for the stress it has caused her. I admire people like Emily who choose to honor her marriage vows despite the conflicts and pain that arise from time to time. How many marriages do you know that have lasted 52 years? The Word of the Year for me in 2023, “Read,” gives me a greater appreciation for the values and character of the people like Emily who cross my path. And it only happened because of something I read, namely her text. A joyful email I read Another podcast listener, Marilyn from Minnesota, has written to me before. This time she wrote to share a joyful Christmas memory, even though it came in after the Christmas deadline. But I’m going to share it anyway. I loved reading it, and I think you’ll love hearing it. It’s a story her mother told her. Marilyn writes, My grandfather was born and raised in England where he was apprenticed as a "shipwright," a finish carpenter on large ships. When he immigrated to the US at age 21, he settled in a place far from big ships. He became a "finish carpenter" in homes in northern Indiana. The Great Depression hit his business hard as people decided to save the money they had for necessities. There was a lake near grandpa's home and he took a job in the winter cutting huge blocks of ice from the lake for use in refrigeration. During this most difficult financial year, there was no money to buy a real Christmas tree (the only option at that time). On Christmas Eve, he was walking home after cutting ice on Cedar Lake. There it was, lying in a heap, a discarded Christmas tree, complete with tinsel. Apparently, a family was heading to relatives elsewhere and didn't want to come home to a dried-up Christmas tree in their house. Grandpa took the tree home, set it up, and surprised his family the next morning with everything needed for a joyous celebration! God is at work in the stories we read Marilyn doesn’t mention “God” at all in her grandfather’s story, but can’t you see God’s hand in providing an unexpected Christmas tree at the last minute for this poor family? I would love to have been in the house on Christmas morning when everyone woke up to see that tinsel-laden Christmas tree. Imagine the joy that would have filled the room. There are so many reasons why “read” is my vote for Word of The Year for 2023. One is that when we read stories of the lives of others, like the one Marilyn shared about her grandfather, we often see God at work. And when we see examples of God at work in the lives of others, it gives us hope that he is at work in our life as well. Reading her story about the Christmas tree reminds me of the verse in the Bible, John 5:17, where Jesus tells the Pharisees, “My Father is always working, and so am I.” So what does what you’ve heard today mean for YOU? If my Word of the Year for 2023 (read) doesn’t resonate with you, what word does? You have a lot to choose from. If you see possibilities in read for 2023, what are you going to read? Today I only talked about the benefits of reading someone’s text, and another person’s email. We haven’t gotten into the rewards that come from reading books, newspapers, blogs, magazines, or other forms of the written word. I’ll share more about this in next week’s episode. But for now, what are you going to read so that you know you are not alone? Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode “Read” is a good choice for Word of The Year for 2023. Reading what others experience connects us with people. Reading reminds us that we’re not alone in the struggles we face and that God is at work in them for our good. Do you have a relationship question? Would you like some input regarding a relationship issue? If so, go to JohnCertalic.com/question to record your question using your phone or computer. If you’d rather put your question in writing, just enter it in the Leave a Comment box at the bottom of the show notes. I’ll do my best to answer your question in a future episode. Closing In closing, I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. Feel free to send me an email, or enter your thoughts in the “Leave a Comment” box at the end of the show notes. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show to set aside time to read. Go to a library and check out a book or two. Visit a bookstore. If you make “Read” your Word of the Year for 2023 it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that’s it for today. If there’s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar. And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. Tell a few people about what you’re reading. And I’ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Other episodes or resources related to today’s shows 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 021: The Most Important Relationship of All Last week’s episode 191: Wanting the Joy of Christmas to Linger Awhile? The place to access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

You’re out there, I know you are. I can see you. You’re not quite ready to say goodbye to Christmas this year. You want the joy of Christmas to linger just a little while longer. I get it. I’ve got your back in today’s show. Keep listening, this one’s for you. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you’ve come to the right place. Here you’ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I’m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. Christmas memories To keep the joy of Christmas rolling, I’ll start by reading a joyful Christmas memory shared by one of our listeners. Chris wrote: A Christmas memory that stands out for me is going to a Christmas tree farm near Cross Plains, Wisconsin where we lived with dad and my siblings. I remember walking quite a bit to choose just the right tree, cutting it with our own saw, dragging it to the car and taking it home to decorate. Then Kim, another listener, shared this joyful Christmas memory of hers: My memory is going to my grandma’s house at Christmas and seeing her tree. She had a special ornament on her tree for every family member.. when we would get to her house we would always look for our ornament. Our name was written on the ornament. When my husband came into my life and when each of my children were born she designated an ornament for each of them. When she left her home she gave each family their ornaments. I now treasure those ornaments on my tree. Lastly, Chris shared another Christmas memory when he wrote: My grandparents had a beautiful old Swiss chalet on five acres in Madison Highlands with large rooms and high ceilings. The tree needed to be so large to fill the space that Papa would select a huge tree and cut off the top for our use.This worked out nicely for him because it served to also reopen the view of Lake Mendota in the distance from his property. The places Chris refers to are in and around Madison, Wisconsin in the US. Thanks for the memories So Chris and Mary, thanks for sharing those Christmas memories. The theme I see in all of them is the joy of relationships. Chris with his dad and siblings, Kim with her grandmother, and Chris again with his grandparents. Previous episodes about the joy of Christmas Now for those of you who aren’t quite ready to say to put Christmas 2022 in the rearview mirror, I went back into our archives of past episodes and pulled out 13 of them that specifically deal with Christmas. I’ve posted their titles and the links to them in the show notes, and I’ll say a little about each one to help you decide if you want to listen to one or more of them. If you’re driving to the store to return Christmas presents and aren’t prepared to write the links down, I’ve made it easy for you. Each of these episodes can be accessed by going to JohnCertalic.com/ followed by the 3-digit episode number I’ll give you. I’ll start with the oldest episodes first and end with the most recent Christmas shows. And of course, this will all be in the show notes of this episode for you to look up. The Gift of Even Though, JohnCertalic.com/004 I’ll start with the episode entitled “The Gift of Even Though” found at JohnCertalic.com/004. And that’s spelled John with an “h”, and Certalic, C-e-r-t-a-l-i-c. JohnCertalic.com/004. It was the first of 3 related to Christmas gifts a few years ago. This particular episode is about a phone conversation I had with our 93-year-old friend Lorraine. We first met when Janet and I were freshmen in college. She and her husband Vern wanted to have children but weren’t able to, and we were like the children - now adults - she never had. In a phone conversation with Lorraine, she talked about how grateful she was for the rich life she had lived, even though…she was not able to have what she truly wanted. I shared the 5 values Janet and I learned from this childless couple a generation older than us. Values we learned from watching how they lived. They were a great gift to us by showing how to live even though the desires of one’s heart are never met. It’s one of my favorite episodes. JohnCertalic.com/004. The Gift of Joy - Part 1, JohnCertalic.com/005 The second Christmas episode on my list is “The Gift of Joy - Part 1,” found at JohnCertalic.com/005. It’s an answer to the question, “What do I do when I need more joy in my life?” The answer is to share in the joy others experience, even when it has nothing to do with you. I tell two stories that show how to do this. One of which brought tears to my eyes. It’s one of my favorite episodes. JohnCertalic.com/005. End the Year with Christmas Joy, JohnCertalic.com/006 Next on my list of the joy of Christmas episodes is “End the Year with Christmas Joy, found at JohnCertalic.com/006. In this show, I talk about how joy is more like a cat than a dog. Let that sink in for a minute. Listen to this one to learn how joy is more like a cat than a dog. This leads to a story about the joy of Christmas found in a flash mob that appeared out of nowhere at a shopping mall food court a few weeks before Christmas. A choir dressed like all the other shoppers springs out from amongst the crowd to sing a rousing rendition of the “Hallelujah Chorus” from Handel’s Messiah. I share a newspaper article about the event and what a moving experience it was for many who were there, and the joy of Christmas it brought into people’s lives. I include a link to the YouTube video of the flash mob scene near the bottom of the show notes for episode 006. If you’re feeling down for whatever reason, do yourself a favor and watch the video clip. It’s one of my favorites. Again, go to JohnCertalic.com/006 for all the details. Seven Relationship Lessons from the Greatest Christmas Movie Ever Made, JohnCertalic.com/045 On to the next one on the list. For me, the joy of Christmas would not be complete without watching the greatest Christmas movie ever made, It’s a Wonderful Life! In episode 045 I summarize the plot of the film, and then explain the relationship lessons that are rich gems below the surface of the storyline, namely: Before is often better than now People need our prayers Good leaders are good with relationships Keenly observing people enables us to help them That which bothers us most often reveals the idols in our life Relationships have the power to calm our hearts in the midst of stress and turmoil When we pray for a solution to a problem, God often provides one we never could have imagined This really is one of my favorite episodes. I could do a weekend workshop just on these seven relationship lessons from the movie. JohnCertalic.com/045. Where Joy to the World is Found, JohnCertalic.com/046 Moving on, Episode 046 is “Where Joy to the World is Found.” Here’s a line from that show that summarizes what it’s all about: look for joy in the ordinary, in the simple, that’s hiding in plain sight right in front of us all year round. It’s in the ordinary where the joy of Christmas is found. Go to JohnCertalic.com/046 to listen in and see how. It’s one of my favorites. What Mary Treasured on Christmas Day, JohnCertalic.com/047 Then we have “What Mary Treasured on Christmas Day” in episode 047. It’s where I comment on the Christmas Story found in Luke 2:1-20 in the Bible. Relationships are what Mary treasured most, and it’s these relationships that make the joy of Christmas like no other event in human history. The implications of these relationships are what Mary pondered and treasured in her heart, and thought about them often. It’s one my all-time favorites. A Christmas Gift of Silence, JohnCertalic.com/080 Moving on, episode 080, “A Christmas Gift of Silence,“ focuses on an early player in the joy of Christmas story - Zechariah. I talk about why he was silenced, and what we learn from Zechariah’s mistake. The main point of this show is trust God and what he says, even when it defies logic, human wisdom, and experience. Silence can be a real gift as you’ll hear in episode 080. This is one of my favorite episodes. A Christmas Gift of Deep Personal Connection, JohnCertalic.com/081 Next is “A Christmas Gift of Deep Personal Connection,” in episode 081. Here I discuss the personal connection between Mary and her cousin Elizabeth, and the gift of having people in our life who ”get us.” This gift certainly adds to the joy of Christmas. Elizabeth and Mary connect with each other even though there’s a large age gap between the two of them. The close relationship they each have with God makes this possible. There’s is a triangulated relationship in the best sense of the word. Relationships like this are a great gift we can give each other. Check it out at JohnCertalic.com/081. Be sure to check this one out; it’s one of my favorites. A Christmas Gift of Anticipation, JohnCertalic.com/082 Following episode 081 is “ A Christmas Gift of Anticipation, “ in episode 082. It’s about anticipating the joy of Christmas. The beginning of the Christmas story found in Luke’s Gospel account is just dripping with anticipation, and the joy that comes with it. I make the point that the deeper we know Jesus and what he’s already done for us, the more joy there is in anticipating what he will do in the future. It’s a great Christmas gift. I really like this one, and I think you will, too. The Best Christmas - Be with People in Community, JohnCertalic.com/083 Moving on, episode 083 is the only joy of Christmas show where I interview someone. In “The Best Christmas - Be with People in Community” I interview Josephine, a single missionary serving in Eastern Europe. She talks about being in her apartment alone in her pajamas at Christmas, some 5,000 miles from home. But then, a group of her local musician friends invite her out to play Christmas music. They did it to honor her. She talks at length about

The Christmas story in 2022, as with the first one centuries ago, is all about Jesus. Mary treasured all its many details, thought about them often, and pondered them in her heart. May we do the same. Here's the original Christmas story as recorded in Luke's Gospel, just as it happened. The Birth of Jesus At that time the Roman emperor, Augustus, decreed that a census should be taken throughout the Roman Empire. (This was the first census taken when Quirinius was governor of Syria.) All returned to their own ancestral towns to register for this census. And because Joseph was a descendant of King David, he had to go to Bethlehem in Judea, David’s ancient home. He traveled there from the village of Nazareth in Galilee. He took with him Mary, his fiancée, who was now obviously pregnant. And while they were there, the time came for her baby to be born. She gave birth to her first child, a son. She wrapped him snugly in strips of cloth and laid him in a manger, because there was no lodging available for them. That night there were shepherds staying in the fields nearby, guarding their flocks of sheep. Suddenly, an angel of the Lord appeared among them, and the radiance of the Lord’s glory surrounded them. They were terrified, but the angel reassured them. “Don’t be afraid!” he said. Good News of Great Joy “I bring you good news that will bring great joy to all people. The Savior—yes, the Messiah, the Lord—has been born today in Bethlehem, the city of David! And you will recognize him by this sign: You will find a baby wrapped snugly in strips of cloth, lying in a manger. “Suddenly, the angel was joined by a vast host of others—the armies of heaven—praising God and saying, “Glory to God in highest heaven, and peace on earth to those with whom God is pleased.” When the angels had returned to heaven, the shepherds said to each other, “Let’s go to Bethlehem! Let’s see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.” They hurried to the village and found Mary and Joseph. And there was the baby, lying in the manger. After seeing him, the shepherds told everyone what had happened and what the angel had said to them about this child. All who heard the shepherds’ story were astonished, but Mary kept all these things in her heart and thought about them often. The shepherds went back to their flocks, glorifying and praising God for all they had heard and seen. It was just as the angel had told them. ~ Luke 2: 1-20 (NIV) Merry Christmas, everyone. Other episodes or resources related to today’s shows 082: A Christmas Gift of Anticipation 136: Make it a Merry Christmas this Year 021: The Most Important Relationship of All Last week’s episode 189: O Holy Night - An Unusual History The place to access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.  

My favorite church experience is singing “O Holy Night” at a Christmas Eve service. Many churches will turn off the lights and pass out candles that are lit as the song begins. It’s quite moving. Today’s episode is about the interesting and surprising history of “O Holy Night.” But first this: Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you’ve come to the right place. Here you’ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I’m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. "O Holy Night" The words to “ O Holy Night” were written in 1843 by Placide Cappeau, a French wine merchant and poet. Although he was never particularly religious, Cappeau was asked by a local parish priest to write a Christmas poem to celebrate the recent renovation of the church organ in his hometown. The poem was entitled “Midnight, Christians.” Four years later in 1847 his friend, Adolphe Adam, wrote music to accompany the lyrics creating the song initially titled, “Cantique de Noel,” or “Christmas Carol” in English. Adam was a French composer and music critic who wrote mostly operas and ballets. Alongside the opera Giselle (1841), “O Holy Night” is one of his best-known works. “Cantique de Noel” (i.e., “Christmas Carol”) became popular in France and was sung in many Christmas services. But when Placide Cappeau left the church to join a socialist movement, and it was discovered that Adolphe Adams was a Jew, the French Catholic church leaders decided “Cantique de Noel” was “unfit for church services because of its lack of musical taste and total absence of the spirit of religion.” But even though the church no longer allowed the song in their services, the French people continued to sing it. An American perspective on “O Holy Night” Then in 1855, an American minister and writer, John Sullivan Dwight, saw something in the song that moved him beyond the story of the birth of Christ. An abolitionist, Dwight strongly identified with the lines of the third verse of the song “Truly he taught us to love one another; his law is love, and his gospel is peace. Chains shall he break, for the slave is our brother, and in his name all oppression shall cease.” He published his English translation of “O Holy Night” in his magazine, and the song quickly found favor in America, especially in the North during the Civil War. Back in France, the song continued to be banned by the church for almost two decades, while the people still sang “Cantique de Noel” at home. Legend has it that on Christmas Eve 1871, in the midst of fierce fighting between the armies of Germany and France, during the Franco-Prussian War, a French soldier suddenly jumped out of his muddy trench and began singing “Cantique de Noel.” Then a German soldier stepped into the open and answered the Frenchman’s song with Martin Luther’s “From Heaven Above to Earth I Come.” The story goes that the fighting stopped for the next twenty-four hours while the men on both sides observed a temporary peace in honor of Christmas day. There is no proof that this ever happened, but that’s why it’s a legend and a good story, never the less. One thing I couldn’t find is how or when the title of this Christmas carol became “O Holy Night.” "O Holy Night" is a first Years later on Christmas Eve 1906, Reginald Fessenden–a 33-year-old university professor and former chief chemist for Thomas Edison–did something long thought impossible. Using a new type of generator, Fessenden spoke into a microphone and, for the first time in history, a man’s voice was broadcast over the airwaves. And what did he say? He recited the beginning of the Christmas story found in chapter 2 of Luke’s gospel, “And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus, that all the world should be taxed… After finishing his recitation of the birth of Christ, Fessenden picked up his violin and played “O Holy Night,” the first song ever sent through the air via radio waves. Starting as a poem requested by a local parish priest in 1843, which morphed into a song 4 years later, “O Holy Night” has a most interesting history. Written by a poet who later left the church, then given soaring melodies by a Jewish composer, and then brought to America and used in the anti-slavery movement, this beloved Christmas carol is sung by millions around the world today. Lyrics to “O Holy Night” O holy night, the stars are brightly shining, It is the night of the dear Saviour’s birth; Long lay the world in sin and error pining, 'Till he appeared and the soul felt its worth. A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices, For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn; Chorus
 Fall on your knees, Oh hear the angel voices! 
O night divine! Oh night when Christ was born. O night, O holy night, O night divine. Led by the light of Faith serenely beaming; With glowing hearts by his cradle we stand: So, led by light of a star sweetly gleaming, Here come the wise men from Orient land, The King of Kings lay thus in lowly manger, In all our trials born to be our friend; Chorus
 He knows our need, To our weakness no stranger! Behold your King! Before Him lowly bend! Behold your King! your King! before him bend! Truly He taught us to love one another; His law is Love and His gospel is Peace; Chains shall he break, for the slave is our brother, And in his name all oppression shall cease, Sweet hymns of joy in grateful Chorus raise we; Let all within us praise his Holy name! Chorus Christ is the Lord, then ever! ever praise we! His pow'r and glory, evermore proclaim! His pow'r and glory, evermore proclaim! Sources https://www.classicfm.com/discover-music/occasions/christmas/o-holy-night-original-lyrics-composer-recordings/ (Stories Behind the Best-Loved Songs of Christmas”  Zondervan) https://www.christianity.com/wiki/holidays/what-is-the-meaning-and-story-behind-o-holy-night.html What does all this mean for you? “O Holy Night" reminds us of God’s relentless creativity in pursuing all of us. Using a man who left his faith in God to write the lyrics, and a Jew who rejects Jesus, God uses this song, over 200 years old, for the purpose of drawing us to himself. "O Holy Night" isn’t just about one night, Christmas night. It’s about all the nights and days that follow. Nights where you are offered reconciliation and forgiveness for your sins. Nights of faith made possible by the birth of Jesus who knows your needs and weaknesses, and who teaches us to love one another. It’s about nights of hope for the future because Christ entered our world to save us from ourselves. It’s about nights of worship for all that the Lord has done for us. Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode “O Holy Night" shows God’s passion for making himself known. He uses music written by people who don’t believe in him to comfort people who do. Closing Well, that’s it for today. If there’s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar. Merry Christmas everyone! Other episodes or resources related to today’s shows 082: A Christmas Gift of Anticipation 136: Make it a Merry Christmas this Year 021: The Most Important Relationship of All Last week’s episode 188: Joy to the World - The Unintended Christmas Carol The place to access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

In episode 187 last week I talked about the back story behind “Angels We Have Heard on High.” Today I pull the curtain back to look at the history behind another well-known Christmas carol, this one going back to 1719. It never started out to be a song, but before we get into all this, here’s a word from another Christmas Carol, one of my favorites, my boss, Carol Steward. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you’ve come to the right place. Here you’ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I’m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. Isaac Watts I’ll start by talking about how “Joy to the World, one of the most famous Christmas Carols of all time,” came to be. It starts with the lyrics written in 1719 by hymn writer Isaac Watts. While he is appreciated today in church music circles, during his lifetime Watts was considered by many to be a disturbance of the status quo and even possibly a heretic for the lyrics he wrote. While he wasn’t a heretic, he was a revolutionary. Watts grew up in a world where the music in every worship service consisted only of psalms or sections of Scripture put to music. Watts found the practice monotonous. To him, there was a lack of joy and emotion among the people in the pew as they sang. He described it like this, “To see the dull indifference, the negligent and thoughtless air that sits upon the faces of a whole assembly, while the psalm is upon their lips, might even tempt a charitable observer to suspect the fervency of their inward religion.” Yikes, this sounds like me many times. A Christmas carol from a poem I was surprised to learn that the lyrics for “Joy to the World” actually came out of a book of poetry Isaac Watts wrote, where each poem was based on a different psalm from the Bible. Rather than just translating the original Old Testament texts word for word, he adapted them to refer more explicitly to the work of Jesus as it had been revealed in the New Testament. The poetry book was never a best-seller, and the only remnants of it anyone can find is the second part of Psalm 98, which became the basis for “Joy to the World.” While meditating on Psalm 98, verse 4 gripped Watts: “Make a joyful noise to the LORD, all the earth; break forth into joyous song and sing praises!” Watts had no intention of creating a hymn when he composed the verse for Psalm 98 as part of his book of poetry. But then in 1836 a man by the name of Lowell Mason composed a riveting melody for Watts’ lyrics, which eventually became quite popular in the church. The lyrics Joy to the world, the Lord is come; Let earth receive her King! 
Let every heart prepare him room And heaven and nature sing! 
And heaven and nature sing . . . and heaven . . . and heaven . . . and nature sing.   Joy to the earth, the Savior reigns! Let men their songs employ 
While fields and floods, rocks, hills, and plains, 
Repeat the sounding joy . .  repeat the sounding joy! 
Repeat . . . repeat . . . the sounding joy!   No more let sins and sorrows grow, Nor thorns infest the ground; He comes to make his blessings flow 
Far as the curse is found . . fFar as the curse is found . . . Far as . . . far as . . . the curse is found!   He rules the world with truth and grace And makes the nations prove The glories of his righteousness And wonders of his love . . . and wonders of his love! And wonders . . . wonders . . . of his love! Hope for better days ahead The intent of Psalm 98 is to bring joy to people. “Joy to the World” inspires us to look forward to the future when sin and sorrow no longer play a part in our lives. Where no thorn infests the ground, and where we are caught up in the grace, glory, and love of God. So what does “Joy to the World” mean for you today It’s been 300 years since the carol was written, but it still speaks to us today. It speaks to creating room in our hearts for Jesus, as the third line of the song declares, “Let every heart prepare him room.” No easy task these days with all the distractions we have keeping us from considering our relationship with God and how we should live in light of that relationship. The song speaks to the joy that is yours when you consider that God is in control, that he has defeated sin, and is making his blessings flow. One other thing that “Joy to the World” means is that we can experience joy no matter our circumstances. Yesterday morning I received a text from a missionary who has been serving in South America for many years. She wrote to tell me she just listened again to episode 155, “How to Find Joy No Matter What,” and that it blessed her again in the midst of the stresses of missionary life and relationships in general. To listen to it yourself, just go to JohnCertalic.com/155. Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode What better time than this Christmas season to reflect upon how God delivered joy to the world by sending us His son, Jesus. Our relationship with Him is the source of lasting joy worth singing about. Relationship question of the month If you have a relationship question you’d like me to answer in an upcoming episode, please go to JohnCertalic.com/question to record your question using your phone or computer. With your question, please include your name and where you’re from. It’s that simple. If you’d rather submit a written question, just enter it in the Leave a Comment box at the bottom of the show notes. Closing In closing, I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show to reflect upon the meaning of “Joy to the World.” For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that’s it for today. If there’s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar. And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Inject a measure of Christmas joy into the lives of others. And I’ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Other episodes or resources related to today’s show 155: How to Find Joy No Matter What 134: A Better Kind of Christmas Joy 021: The Most Important Relationship of All https://www.crossway.org/articles/a-brief-history-of-joy-to-the-world/ https://galaxymusicnotes.com/pages/learn-the-story-behind-joy-to-the-world The Gospdel Coalition. "Joy to the World: A Christmas Hymn Reconsidered" Last week’s episode 187: This Christmas Carol Invites You The place to access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

It’s hard to go anywhere this time of the year without hearing Christmas music. They really help set the mood for the holidays, which I love. The melodies of many of the traditional Christmas carols are fixed in our minds because we’ve heard them for years and years. But often the words are not. Who can remember the 3rd verse of “Silent Night,” for example? The lyrics of the really good Christmas carols have a relationship component to them worth considering this time of year. I’m going to talk about one of these carols in today’s episode. But before we get into all this, here’s a word from my favorite Christmas Carol, our executive producer, Carol Steward. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you’ve come to the right place. Here you’ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. Your host, John Certalic, is an award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. Angels We Have Heard on High I have been hearing “Angels We Have Heard on High” as a Christmas Carol ever since I was a kid. I bet the same is true for you, too. It is an easily recognizable tune, mainly because of its chorus, “Gloria In Excelsis Deo” which is Latin for Glory to God in the Highest. Because the melody is so familiar and catchy, the lyrics, except for the first few lines, are something I’ve never thought much about. Until just recently. This “Angels We Have Heard on High” Christmas Carol has an interesting history, going back to the second century, and an even more interesting meaning for celebrating the Christmas season here in 2022. I’ll get into all this in just a moment, but first I’ll play the melody and recite the lyrics. Try to focus on the words and their meaning. [Play the melody of “Angels We Have Heard on High”] Lyrics to “Angels We Have Heard on High” [Verse 1] Angels we have heard on high Sweetly singing o'er the plains And the mountains in reply Echoing their joyous strains [Chorus] Gloria In Excelsis Deo Gloria In Excelsis Deo [Verse 2] Shepherds why this jubilee? Why your joyous strains prolong? Say what may the tidings be Which inspire your heavenly song? [Chorus] Gloria In Excelsis Deo Gloria In Excelsis Deo [Verse 3] Come to Bethlehem and see Him Whose birth the angels sing; Come, adore on bended knee Christ the Lord, the newborn King [Chorus] Gloria In Excelsis Deo Gloria In Excelsis Deo [Verse 4] See within in a manger laid Jesus Lord of heav'n and earth Mary, Joseph lend your aid With us sing our Savior's birth The back story to this Christmas Carol “Angels We Have Heard On High,” is a traditional French Christmas carol, previously known as “The Angels in Our Countryside.” It tells the story of angels announcing to local shepherds the good news of the birth of Jesus. Though the source of the song is unknown, it is believed to have originated in 18th-century France. The song was first translated into English in 1860 by James Chadwick, a Roman Catholic bishop. Just as the origin of the words to this French song is unknown, so also is the melody. Since it was common for lyrics to be written for existing tunes, it is possible that the melody is even older than the words. Gloria in Excelsis Deo The refrain in this Christmas carol, “Gloria in Excelsis Deo,” (Latin for "Glory to God in the Highest”) has an interesting background. The phrase is first found in the Gospel of Luke, chapter 2, verse 14, when a vast host of angels suddenly appear to the shepherds, praising God. Centuries ago in the hills of southern France, tradition has it that shepherds had a Christmas Eve custom of calling to one another, each from their own hillside, singing “Gloria in Excelsis Deo.” Verses 1 and 2 in Angels We Have Heard on High” reference this when they speak of the “mountains” (i.e., the shepherds on the mountains) replying to the angels in joyous heavenly song. The phrase “Gloria in Excelsis Deo.” played an important part in worship at church masses dating back to 130 A.D. During this time period, one of the early Roman Catholic popes, Pope Telesphorus, issued a decree that on Christmas Day all churches should have special evening services. He also ordered that at these masses, after the reading of certain Scripture or the conclusion of specific prayers, the congregation should always sing the words “Gloria in Excelsis Deo.” Historical church documents reveal that monks carried this executive order throughout the land and that by the third century it was a practice used by most churches at Christmas services. Sources https://genius.com/Christmas-songs-angels-we-have-heard-on-high-lyrics https://www.celebratingholidays.com/?page_id=10563 https://faithgateway.com/blogs/christian-books/angels-we-have-heard-on-high So, what does “Angels We Have Heard of High” mean for you? This Christmas carol stands in sharp contrast to all the things we add to the original meaning of Christmas. The presents, the activities, the gathering of families together. All these are fine, but they have nothing to do with Jesus is the reason for the season. “Angels We Have Heard on High” is largely a song to celebrate the invitation God extends to all of us, you and me included, to come and see who Jesus is. It’s to celebrate the generous love of God to give us this greatest gift ever. It’s also an encouragement to accept this wonderful invitation. As the angels said to the shepherds, just come and see. Come and see. And that’s what “Angels We Have Heard on High” means for us this Christmas season in 2022 and every year. Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode A Christmas carol like “Angels We Have Heard on High” invites you and me into a relationship with Jesus, just as it did for the shepherds in the song. It’s an invitation for us to either accept or reject. Relationship question of the month for December What joyful memory of Christmas do you have? What is a tradition or event stands out for you when you think about this holiday? Just go to JohnCertalic.com/question to record your answer using your phone or computer. With your answer, please include your name and where you’re from. It’s that simple. If you’d rather give a written answer, just enter it in the Leave a Comment box at the bottom of the show notes. I’ll need your response by 5 pm Central time on December 12, 2022. Again, head over to JohnCertalic.com/question and leave a message. I’ll pick several responses to air on our episode before Christmas. Closing In closing, I encourage you can take a few minutes to look past the distractions that seep into the Christmas season. I hope you take to reflect on its real meaning so that you can give glory to God in the highest as the shepherds on those French hillsides did so many years ago. I so often close each episode by encouraging you to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet and to spark some joy for them. But for this month, I want to encourage you to be on the lookout for the sunshine God is shining into your life. Expect true Christmas joy to show up on your relational doorstep to surprise you by filling your heart. And I’ll end with one last round of “Angels We Have Heard on High.” Merry Christmas and God bless us everyone! Other episodes or resources related to today’s show 133: Relationships - The Back Story to the Christmas Story 021: The Most Important Relationship of All Last week’s episode 186: Thankful for Life After Death https://www.johncertalic.com/podcast/thankful-for-life-after-death/ The place to access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

My friend Larry Goring died 2 months ago after a nine-month battle with cancer. He was only 73, and I miss him greatly. Larry was one of the original board members of our missionary care ministry, Caring for Others, and was always a great encouragement to me. His wife Jill gave me permission to share some of the details following Larry’s death that I want to share with you. I’m doing so because here in November 2022, the month we celebrate Thanksgiving, Jill’s response shows us how we can be thankful for life after death. What she did for Larry’s funeral service is quite encouraging, and I thought you would appreciate a little encouragement today. But before I tell you what Jill did, here’s what this podcast is all about. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you’ve come to the right place. Here you’ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I’m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. Thankful for Life After Death Thank you, Carol. I’ll start by reading part of the email Janet and I received from Jill, the night Larry died at home, surrounded by Jill and their two adult children. “We are grief-stricken. At the same time, we are so thankful that he is pain-free and joy-filled and enjoying the glories of heaven, meeting his savior, reuniting with his parents, his brother-in-law, my nephew, and so many other dear ones. We are grateful for what the Lord Jesus did to make this possible. We were sitting with him and playing one of the many songs he loves [The Holy City] when he took his last breath. “Everywhere we turn in the house makes us weep with his absence. We wish we could just sit and cry and hug all of you who loved him. Thank you for your prayers.” The burial service Twelve days later Jill wrote: “Tomorrow it will be a week since Larry’s burial service. It crushes my heart to write those words. “We gathered for some family time at the funeral home, and whoever wanted to read a verse took a printed one before we crossed the street to the cemetery. “At the graveside, all we did was read these Scriptures. “Each voice was loud and clear with not a single stumble—from the eight-year-old to the teenagers to the nieces and nephews and us older ones. It was powerfully comforting. “Tonight—my first night home alone--I am reading them again. As I will do over and over again. I hope you are blessed by them. “Thank you again for your prayers. Jill” Scriptures that assure us of life after death Several weeks later when Jill was visiting us in our home, she told us more about Larry’s burial service. 15- 20 people gathered around the gravesite, ranging in ages from 8 to 73. Jill had printed scripture verses on 5x7 notecards that spoke of life after death and the encouragement we can draw from them. Anyone who wanted to read the Bible verses could do so. Here are the verses people read standing around the gravesite. I hope you can picture the scene. May they give those of us with a relationship with Jesus great comfort, both now, and for when our time on earth comes to an end. John 3:16-17 [Jesus talking to the religious teacher Nicodemus] God loved the world so much that He gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. That’s why God sent his son—not to judge the world, but to save the world through him. John 5:24-25 [Jesus’ promise] I’m telling you the absolute truth: those who listen to my message and believe in God who sent me have eternal life. They will never be condemned for their sins—in fact, they have already passed from death into life. And I assure you that the time is coming, indeed it’s here now, when the dead will hear my voice—the voice of the Son of God. And those who listen will live! Picture someone reading John 11:23-26 [Jesus talking to Mary at her brother Lazarus’ grave] Martha said to Jesus, “Lord, if only you had been here, my brother would not have died.  But even now I know that God will give you whatever you ask.” Jesus told her, “Your brother will rise again.” “Yes,” Martha said, “he will rise when everyone else rises, at the last day.” Jesus told her, “I am the resurrection and the life. Anyone who believes in me will live, even after dying.  Everyone who lives in me and believes in me will never ever die. Do you believe this, Martha?” “Yes, Lord,” she told him. “I have always believed you are the Messiah, the Son of God, the one who has come into the world from God.” II Timothy 4:6-8 [some of the apostle Paul’s last words as he awaits life after death ] As for me, my life has already been poured out as an offering to God. The time of my death is near.  I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, and I have remained faithful.  And now the prize awaits me—the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will give me on the day of his return. And the prize is not just for me but for all who eagerly look forward to his appearing. I Corinthians 13:11-15 When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely. Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love. II Corinthians 4:16-5:9.  What we know about life after death [The apostle Paul in his second letter to the church at Corinth] [And so] we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. Our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!  So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. Because the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever. We know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down (that is, when we die and leave this earthly body), we will have a house in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands. …While we live in these earthly bodies, we groan and sigh, but it’s not that we want to die and get rid of these bodies that clothe us. Rather, we want to put on our new bodies so that these dying bodies will be swallowed up by life.  God himself has prepared us for this, and as a guarantee, he has given us his Holy Spirit. [5:6-9] We’re very sure of that, dear friends. We live believing that, even though we can’t see it with our eyes. We know that as soon as we leave these earthly bodies—we’ll be at home with the Lord! And that’s where we’d rather be! But no matter where we are—whether in these bodies or there with him—our goal is to please him. Picture one of the children reading from the following. It’s from the apostle Paul and one of his letters to a church he loved dearly. He described Papa’s (i.e, what the grandkids called Larry) future & ours: Our earthly bodies are planted in the ground when we die, but they will be raised to live forever. Our bodies are buried in brokenness, but they will be raised in glory. They are buried in weakness, but they will be raised in strength. They are buried as natural human bodies, but they will be raised as spiritual bodies. Because here’s the thing, dear brothers and sisters. God has amazing, eternal blessings planned for us. But our physical bodies cannot inherit the Kingdom of God. These dying bodies cannot inherit what will last forever. Our bodies have to be transformed into bodies that will never die; our mortal bodies have to be changed into immortal bodies to experience the eternal blessings God has prepared for us. [That’s what’s going to happen to Papa and great-grandpa Bartlett and all us ‘left-behind’ ones!] Those left behind can be thankful for life after death And for we who are left behind: Listen! Let me tell you a wonderful secret! We may not all die. But we WILL all be transformed. It will happen in a moment—in the blink of an eye-- when the last trumpet is blown. I say ‘in the blink of an eye’, because when the trumpet sounds, those who have already died will instantly be raised to live forever! And we who are living will also be immediately transformed. Our bodies will be changed into bodies that never die! Then –then what God promised in His Word long ago will be fulfilled: Death is swallowed up in victory. You think you can hurt us, death? You think you’ve won? Never! You are conquered forever—through Jesus Christ our Lord. [I Corinthians 15:42-55, 58] So my dear children and grandchildren and mother and sister and brother and in-laws and nieces and nephews: be strong and immovable. Always work enthusiastically for the Lord—because we know that nothing we do for the Lord is ever useless! Romans 6:5, 8-9 Since we have been united with Christ in his death, we will also be raised to life as he was. And since we died with Christ, we know we will also live with him. We are sure of this because Christ was raised from the dead, and he will never die again. Death no longer has any power over him. Parts of Romans 8:18-24 [paraphrase] Just think, friends! We are God’s children—His heirs—those He is showering with all His goodness. And in fact we are going to be glorified with Him! And this suffering that we’re going through now—it is going to seem like nothing --not even worthy to be mentioned compared with that glory that’s ahead. I’m talking about the glory that the whole world will see when God reveals all of us His children--sharing in all His glory! Another reason to be grateful f

For the past two years, my grandson George has been a resident assistant in his college dorm. Before students check in at the start of the school year, each RA creates a bulletin board for their floor with here’s-who-I-am information about themself. It’s a way to start building a sense of community. I wish they would have had something like this when I was in college. The only thing posted in my day was the time and place of the next anti-war protest rally. Demonstrations about how the South succeeding from the Union was going to lead to war. That kind of thing. Anyway, I've included a photo of George’s RA bulletin board . As you can see, at the top he posted in big bold letters, "Are You Curious About George?,"  accompanied by a cut-out of the Curious George monkey. He then attached pictures representing his interests and things important to him. I’m going to tell you what happened as a result of that creative bulletin board, but before I do, here’s what this podcast is all about. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you’ve come to the right place. Here you’ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I’m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. Was anyone curious about George? Just recently I talked to George about his RA bulletin board and asked him if anyone on his floor was, in fact, curious about him. Did anyone ask about any of the things he displayed about his interests? “Just one person,” George said. “And it was only a very brief conversation.” Yeah, that’s how it usually goes, I thought. There aren’t a lot of relationally curious people out there. And that’s a shame. I talked about this in several episodes in the past, and I’ll have links to them at the end of the show notes: Why I’m thankful for Curious people But here’s why I’m thankful for relationally curious people, though they are few in number. Not nosey people, but curious people. I talk about the difference in episode 165. Curious people honor others by wanting to know someone’s story. By being interested in a person’s history, and why someone is the way they are. With the questions they ask, they give people a voice and an opportunity to be known. I’m thankful for people like this. Curious people try to connect with others by listening, rather than talking. Oh, there are so many talkers out there today, but so few really good listeners. Most talkers are good people and mean well. But sadly, they engage with others by using their words rather than their ears. Curious people aren’t like this. They tend to be good listeners. They draw people out to make them the center of attention, rather than themself. I’m always drawn to someone who by their very nature makes other people the focus of a conversation, rather than themself. Curious people are like this, and I’m thankful for them. Another thing about curious people that I appreciate is how they deal with relational problems. They are curious enough to look below the surface of an issue to discover what may be causing it. Curious people look beyond the obvious. They consider possibilities that may go unnoticed by others. So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you’ve heard today about curious people to help you find more joy in the relationships in your life? I suggest giving a try at being more relationally curious yourself. In conversations with people make fewer statements and instead ask more questions. Ask just one follow-up question and see how that enriches your relationships. Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode Be thankful for the relationally curious people in your life. They bless us by showing how we can all connect better with each other by listening, rather than talking. They honor us by giving us a voice so that we feel the joy of being known. Relationship question of the month. In previous episodes, I asked for your response to a question I asked for the month of November. I did not get ANY. That’s OK. We’ll give it one more try. This question I’m asking you for December is What joyful memory of Christmas do you have? Some tradition or event that stands out for you when you think about this holiday? Just go to PodinBox.com/John to record your answer using your phone or computer. With your answer, please include your name and where you’re from. It’s that simple. If you’d rather give a written answer, just enter it in the Leave a Comment box at the bottom of the show notes. I’ll need your response by 5 pm Central time on December 12, 2022. I’ll pick several responses to air on one of our episodes before Christmas. Closing In closing, I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, enough to be a little more curious about the people who cross your path. And then act on your curiosity. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that’s it for today. If there’s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/185. Or scroll down to the bottom of the show notes for this episode and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar. And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Other episodes or resources related to today’s shows 062: Vaccine Now Available for this Relational Virus (i.e., lack of curiosity ) 063: Six Reasons Why We’re Not Curious About People 073: Could Curiosity About Others Minimize Racism 165: Nosey People Weaken Relationships; Curious People Strengthen Them Last week’s episode 184: Thankful for Parents Who Discipline Their Children The place to access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.  

A family friend and listener to this podcast told me about an unpleasant experience she recently had at a big box retail store that got me thinking about climate change. Not the climate change we hear environmentalists and politicians talk about. I’m thinking about relational climate change. How the climate in a room changes when parents fail to discipline their children. And how it improves when they do. Continuing our “Thankful in November” series, today’s episode is about how we can be thankful for parents who discipline their children because of how it improves the relational climate we live in. But before we get into today’s episode, here’s what this podcast is all about. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you’ve come to the right place. Here you’ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I’m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. The need for a relational climate change I think most of us at one time or another experienced what a listener to our podcast went through recently while in the check-out line at Walmart. A father in front of her had a toddler strapped in his cart, while another young child, standing at his side, engaged in all manner of behavior to irritate the kid in the cart. The poking and taunting of the toddler elicited back-and-forth yelling between the two kids. And what do you think the father did about this? You guessed, it. Nothing. It got so irritating to our listener friend that she stepped out of line, abandoned her cart, and went across the street to a grocery store to buy the same items she left behind at Walmart. The climate change between the two stores was palpable. From chaos at Walmart to peace and calm at the grocery store. No undisciplined kids creating tension for fellow shoppers. The sad thing for me about stories like this is that it’s not the kids’ fault. It’s on the parents for failing to disciple their children. The dad in this case needed to go sit on a chair in the time-out corner. My thoughts on child discipline Having raised two kids of my own with my wife, and then watching them parent their own children, I learned a few things about disciplining children. I’ll start with this. Parents who discipline their children well when they are younger will have to discipline them less when they’re older. When you don’t discipline kids when they’re young, it is much harder to do so when they’re older as teenagers when the consequences of bad behavior are much greater. And then if you don’t discipline them as teenagers, you get adults like Meghan Markle who’s at the epicenter of the family dysfunction in Britain’s royal family. It’s been reported that he said he regrets not disciplining his daughter when she was a child. “I gave her everything she wanted,” he said. “I never said no.” Parents are sometimes reluctant to discipline their kids because they want their kids to like them, to not be upset with them. They want their children to view them as a friend. Children don’t need you to be their friend. They need you to be a strong parent to teach them the most important thing they need to know as a young child, and that is to obey. The most important thing a young child needs to know The main job of young children is to learn to obey. Oh, there is so much disobedience out there. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Years ago I attended a week-long conference featuring Christian Counselors Larry Crabb and Dan Allender. During a Q & A session, someone asked Crabb for parenting advice. He paused for a moment to gather his thoughts and said, “I’m not a parenting expert by any stretch of the imagination. All I can tell you is that the main task of a parent is to drive foolishness out of the heart of a child. Stick with that, and you’ll do fine as a parent.” Let that sink in for a moment, “the main task of a parent is to drive foolishness out of the heart of a child.” It’s taken from Proverbs 22:15 in the Bible. Parenting by a thousand paper cuts If there was ever a comment to illustrate the phrase, “easier said than done.” It would be Crabb’s comment. Parenting is hard work. Kids wear you down. Over and over again they push you to your limits of patience. If I were to write a parenting book, I would entitle it, Parenting by a Thousand Paper Cuts. How many times do you have to say “no?” How many times do you have to pit your will against your child’s will? It is so much easier to give in to your kid’s disobedience. To just raise your voice at them, with no attendant consequence for their disobedience. When a child disobeys, a negative consequence for the child is called for. Just raising your voice out of frustration for the child not obeying you won’t cut it. A parent’s job in dealing with disobedience is to introduce some form of “pain” into their life. Depriving them of something they enjoy usually works. And every kid is different in this regard. It’s not rocket science. So what does God say about discipline? Through Solomon, the wisest man who ever lived, God has a number of things to tell about us about discipline in the Book of Proverbs. I count ten verses dealing with the discipline of children. The first five are directed to children themselves, the recipients of parental discipline. If you have kids, you might want to share these with them. It likely won’t register with your children at the moment you need to disciple them. Instead, share these verses after the storm of misbehavior passes and relational calm returns. How children should view discipline With regard to children and what their attitude should be, Solomon says the following: Proverbs 1: 8 My child, listen when your father corrects you. Don’t neglect your mother’s instruction. Proverbs 4: 1-2 My children, listen when your father corrects you. Pay attention and learn good judgment, for I am giving you good guidance. Don’t turn away from my instructions. Proverbs 6: 20 - 23 My son, obey your father’s commands, and don’t neglect your mother’s instruction. Keep their words always in your heart. Tie them around your neck. When you walk, their counsel will lead you. When you sleep, they will protect you. When you wake up, they will advise you. For their command is a lamp and their instruction a light; their corrective discipline is the way to life. Proverbs 12:1 To learn, you must love discipline; it is stupid to hate correction. Proverbs 13:1 A wise child accepts a parent’s discipline; a mocker refuses to listen to correction. Why parents need to discipline their children As for parents, here are principles from the Book of Proverbs to keep in mind about why it is so important for them to discipline their children. Proverbs 13: 24 Those who spare the rod of discipline hate their children. Those who love their children care enough to discipline them. Proverbs 22:15 A youngster’s heart is filled with foolishness, but physical discipline will drive it far away. This is the sum total of Larry Crabb’s philosophy I mentioned earlier. Proverbs 23:13-14 Don’t fail to discipline your children. The rod of punishment won’t kill them. Physical discipline may well save them from death. Proverbs 29:15 To discipline a child produces wisdom, but a mother is disgraced by an undisciplined child. Proverbs 29:17 Discipline your children, and they will give you peace of mind and will make your heart glad. So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you’ve heard today to help you find more joy in the relationships in your life? If you’re a parent, disciplining your children, not only benefits them and you, it also goes a long way to improving the relational climate of those around you. No one wants to be around bratty kids. No one wants to be around parents who ignore or can’t handle their child’s misbehavior. People probably won’t say so, but we’ll be thankful for you when your kids act up and you step in to take control of them. So be the kind of parent we can all be thankful for. To see this in action, one really helpful thing you can do is watch episodes of the TV Show, Supernanny. You can see past episodes on YouTube. You’ll get a lot of good ideas to help you understand what may be causing you to be weak when it comes to child discipline, and how to get a lot better at it. I’ll have a link to it in the show notes. Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode Be thankful for parents who discipline their children. Teaching children to obey teaches them they are not the center of the universe, a lesson one can never learn too early. It also makes them a lot easier to parent when they’re teenagers. It’s a great gift to society when parents discipline their children well. Relationship question of the month. This question I’m asking you is part of the Relationship Question of the month for November. Namely, What is one relationship you are especially thankful for? Just go to PodinBox.com/John  and record your answer using your phone or computer. With your answer, please include your name and where you’re from. It’s that simple. I’ll need your response by 5 pm Central time on November 16, 2022. Again, head over to  PodinBox.com/John  and leave a message for me. I’ll pick several responses to air on our Thanksgiving episode. Who knows, it could be yours! And if so, it will look good on your resume. Closing In closing, I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, enough to put into practice what you’ve just heard about disciplining children For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that’s it for today. If there’s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you j

In last week’s episode, no. 182, we began our Thankful in November series by talking about being thankful for the last time we experienced something. Today we continue this series by considering the blessing of being thankful for the people who inspire us. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you’ve come to the right place. Here you’ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I’m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. Two words to describe our podcast If I could use only one word to describe our You Were Made for This podcast, it would be “relationships.” And if I could add one more word to the description, it would be “joy.” As in how to experience more joy in the relationships God designed for us. It’s what we were made for. Inspire One source of joy in relationships is to be thankful for people who inspire us. “Inspire” is an interesting word. It literally means "to fill someone with the urge to do or feel something." My wife used to love going to a home furnishings store by the name of Inspire. It sold decorative items for your house like pillows, small pieces of furniture, things to hang on the wall. Stuff like that. It certainly filled my wife with the urge to do something. I’ll leave it to your imagination to guess what that urge might have been. She doesn’t go there anymore because the store went out of business. At least that’s what I’ve been telling her when she talks about going back there. Let’s just keep that a secret between you and me. Okay? When my book came out in 2016, THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others, Writer’s, Digest Magazine awarded it “best inspirational book of the year.” My purpose in writing the book was to urge people to care better for each other, which would make us feel good about ourselves, because we were made for this. “Inspire”: to fill someone with the urge to do or feel something. People can Inspire us The Inspire store and my book were intentional about their purpose in urging people to do something or feel something. I would add motivational speakers to these two intentional sources of inspiration. But for me, I’ve always been thankful for people who inspire us unintentionally by the way they live. They’re the examples I would like to be more like. They don’t tell you how to conduct yourself, they show you. They’re the people who inspire us without even trying to do so. Here’s a recent example from just two months ago. Queen Elizabeth II When Queen Elizabeth II died on September 8, 2022, there was an outpouring of admiration for her and the way she lived her life. Ruling England for over 70 years, you’d be hard-pressed to find someone who didn’t admire her. A particularly insightful article by Daniel Henninger, one of my favorite newspaper columnists, appeared in The Wall Street Journal a week or so after she died. I’ll quote a few paragraphs from his piece, entitled “The Countercultural Queen”: Within the hour of her death, Queen Elizabeth II was praised by commentators from left to right for representing so many traditional values. Reserve, self-containment, duty, responsibility. modesty of demeanor, graciousness, civility, prudence, fortitude… What is most notable is that this instant outpouring of media praise for the queen’s traditional virtues comes amid a contemporary culture that elevates daily, even hourly, a value system of self-regard, self-promotion, changeability, acting out, and anything-goes behavior that is the polar opposite of Queen Elizabeth’s. The queen’s own family reflected this trend. First Princess Diana in the 1980s rode the rising celebrity wave, and ultimately it drowned her. Then Prince Harry married Meghan Markle, known primarily as an influencer. “Influencer” is the defining word of our times. An influencer’s success depends overwhelmingly on one thing: self-promotion accomplished by rising in the hot-air balloons of Instagram, TikTok, and other social media. The goal is to marry marketing with fame. Because influencers do it, millions of others, often young women make preoccupation with self the one habit that directs their lives. A contrast of values To say that the queen’s values were traditional means they existed for a very long time. The poised 14-year-old Elizabeth we heard in news clips reading her first public speech to children during the Blitz of World War II had by then had by then been taught personal virtues held in high regard for centuries in the West and arguably longer in the East. In our time, however, personal virtue has been demoted by social virtue. One effect of giving social responsibility more weight than personal responsibility is that it gives people a pass on their personal behavior. So long as one’s life is “centered” on some larger social good, the conduct of one’s personal life is well, irrelevant… The queen’s habits were a source of personal stability. Modern values are a source of instability. The habits of behavior associated with her are not about mere goodness, but about creating a structure of life inside of which one can then perform successfully as a person, hopefully for the good. She did that for her country for 70 years. Henninger’s column is a reminder that people who inspire us often run against the grain of contemporary culture. Queen Elizabeth showed us we can live a fulfilling meaningful life when it is based on the personal virtues that have been admired down through the ages. So what does all this mean for YOU? A couple of thoughts come to mind. They start with going back to the definition of “inspire” I mentioned earlier, “to fill someone with the urge to do or feel something.” Wouldn’t it be great if people said that you inspired them to be more like you? That because of who you are and how you lived you motivated them to think or behave in a way that may not have been their natural inclination? That because of you they became a better person? It’s possible for you to be an inspiration to others when you follow the teachings of Jesus, and day by day become more like the person he created you to be. As that happens, people will notice. And they will be inspired. Another thought I have is really a question. I wonder about the people who inspire you. What are they like? What do they do to fill you with the urge to do or feel something? And then how do they do it? This question I’m asking you is part of the Relationship Question of the month for November. Namely, What is a story from one of your relationships that you are especially thankful for because of how it inspires you? Just go to PodinBox.com/John to record your answer using your phone or computer. With your answer, please include your name and where you’re from. It’s that simple. I’ll need your response by 5 pm Central time on November 16, 2022. Again, head over to podinbox.com/Johnn and leave a message for me. I’ll pick several responses to air on our Thanksgiving episode. Who knows, it could be yours! And if so, it will look good on your resume. A person who inspires me On a personal note, one person who inspires me is my boss and our executive producer, Carol Steward. You hear her introduce me at the beginning of each episode. In episode 021 I describe how I first met Carol, and how she inspired Janet and me to enter into a personal relationship with Jesus. I also talk about this life-changing experience in chapter 7 of my book, THEM. You can learn more about Carol and how Jesus has been the cornerstone of her relationship with Janet and me in a two-part interview I did with her in episodes 100 and 101. I’ll have links to all this at the bottom of the show notes. Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode Being thankful for the people who inspire us has a way of motivating us to become inspiring people ourselves. Each day by becoming more like the men and women God created us to be, we model and inspire others to be the person God created them to be as well. Relationship question of the month Please don’t forget our Relationship Question of the month for November. What is a story from one of your relationships that you are especially thankful for because of how it inspires you? Just go to PodinBox.com/John to record your answer using your phone or computer. If you’d rather not record anything, please email your answer to me at john@caringforothers.org. You can also leave a written response at the bottom of the show notes for this episode in the “Leave a Comment” box. Closing In closing, I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show to be thankful for the people who inspire you. And then to become more of an inspiring person yourself. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that’s it for today. If there’s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/183. Or scroll down to the bottom of the show notes for this episode and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar. And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Related episodes you may want to listen to 180: An Unusual Place to Find Joy 100: Start Conversations with Remembering 101: Life-Giving Relationships 021: The Most Important Relationship of All THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others Last week’s episode 182: Thankful for “The Last Time I Will Ever…” The place to access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary

It happened a few weeks ago, another one of those It was the last time I will ever … moments. It was the last time I experienced something so meaningful and enjoyable that it brought on a tinge of sadness knowing I will never experience it again. But based on several other last time I will ever … events in my life I know I can be thankful for what comes next. And so can you. It’s what I talk about in today’s episode, the first in my “Thankful in November” series starting today. But before we get into today’s episode, here’s what this podcast is all about. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you’ve come to the right place. Here you’ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I’m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach. I'mhere to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page. Enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. The last little league baseball game I will ever see I’ve got three, “the last time I will ever… " stories to share with you today. Events in my life I’m thankful for this November, a month we celebrate thankfulness. I’m talking about them today hoping it will get you thinking about your the last time I will ever… moments in your life that you can be thankful for. The first of my stories is prompted by the times I drive past a local park near where we live. It’s where our twin grandsons, Grant and George played little league baseball when they were young. They’re both 20 years old now and in college. They played in this baseball league through 6th grade, which was the age limit by which they could participate. Driving past this park reminds me of the last baseball game they played in. They played for one of those leagues that downplay competitiveness so that everyone on the team gets to play in every game. Even if it is just for an inning. It was all about fun, not about winning. The last out to win the game and end the season In the boys’ last game for the season at this park, their team was up by a run at the top of the last inning. George was playing first base, Grant was at third. The batter for the other team hit a grounder to Grant, who fielded the ball cleanly. He then reared back and with all his might and strength threw the ball in the air as hard as his skinny arm would allow to his brother at first base. George easily caught the ball on the fly, and stepped on first base to make the final out to end the game. The final play, of the final game, of their final season as little league baseball players. Shortly after this. it hit me, this was the last time I will ever see them play little league baseball together again. It was the end of an era in their still very young lives. It was the end of the joy Janet and I were so thankful for that we could be part of as spectators. More joy would come later for other things, but this one last moment. This one last time I will ever … moment filled me with joy I am still thankful for years later. I’m thankful for being part of the joy they experienced in playing well together for the very last time. Thankful to see that last play that so symbolizes their connection with each as twin brothers. Her last tennis match I will ever see Another of my the last time I will ever… moments happened just a few weeks ago. Our granddaughter Eleanor is a high school senior and has been on her school’s tennis team since she was a freshman. It’s been a great run for her in many ways. Girls’ high school tennis is a fall sport where we live. Each season concludes with a state tournament that began a few weeks ago. I drove out to the school where the first round was to be held to watch Eleanor play. I knew she wasn’t going to know until after she warmed up if she’d even be able to play. Eleanor’s had a painful knee problem for the last part of the season, and then the callouses on her feet had recently broken open, exposing very tender skin. Yikes. She decided after warming up to give it a go, so I watched her play and win her match. Though she won and advanced to the next round, the pain in her knee and feet was too much, forcing her to withdraw from the next round. The risk of further injury was too great and not worth it. You see Eleanor is also very active in ballet, and an important performance was coming up. She didn’t want to jeopardize participation in her last year of dance. But I was so happy and thankful she got to win the last high school match she will ever play in. Yet at the same time, I felt a pit in my stomach knowing this was the last time I will ever see her do so. It was kind of sad, actually. The next thing after the last thing I’m sure you’ve had your own this is the last time I will ever… moments in life. The thing I’ve learned about them is that they often lead to something better. It’s not always true, but often the last time of experiencing something good makes room for the next thing - a better thing - to occur. As with most kids, Eleanor learned valuable lessons in sports that will serve her well for many years into the future. Her last time I will ever… moment was built upon hard work, sacrifice, dealing with adversity, and self-discipline. It’s prepared her well for something even better coming down the road as a young adult. What she learned in her last thing has been great preparation for the next thing, whatever that may be. Two of the last time I will ever… moments converge There’s an interesting connection to this last-time-moment of Eleanor’s and one of my own the last time I will ever…events. At least it’s interesting to me, and hopefully to you, too. In the four years Eleanor played tennis for her school, she had never played at the high school where the sectionals for the state tournament were held, and where she played her last ever tennis match. It surprised me because the school is fairly close to her own. I thought the two were in the same conference, but they weren’t, I later learned. The connection with me is that I was a teacher for 7+ years at this very same high school where Eleanor played her last tennis match. It is the site of one of the most significant last time I will ever … moments in my life. In December of 1978, at the end of the last school day right before Christmas. I walked out of my classroom, down the stairs, and out to the parking lot to my car to drive away for the last time I will ever teach at that school. Or any school for that matter. I did so with tears in my eyes because I so loved my job. It was a great experience for me, one I’ve always been thankful for even many years later. But on this day I was hanging it up for the last time. Why I left teaching is a story for another day, but for now, I can tell you I felt God calling me into the business world. In order to do this, our school superintendent was so kind and gracious in letting me out of my teaching contract in the middle of the year. On to the next thing “Best of luck to you,” he said the last time I saw him. “I got started in business and years ago made the switch o public education. Now you’re going in the opposite direction. I hope it works out well for you, but if it doesn’t, you’ll be welcomed back here if we have an opening.” Eleanor’s last time I will ever play high school tennis and my last time I will ever teach in a high school occurred in the very same place, just 40-some years apart. My last time I will ever teach at that high school led to a 25-year career in business, which paved the way for 10+ years in the missionary care ministry My wife and I are involved in now. I am so thankful for this last time ever experience, even for the sadness that came with it, because it showed I was leaving something meaningful to me. There was a sense of loss in the midst of the excitement of going to something new, with all the possibilities that awaited me in the business world. So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you’ve heard today to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for your life? It’s important to note that not all the last time I will ever… moments are as positive as the ones I’ve described. Living in a fallen world as we do, there’s the last time we will ever see a loved one, the last time I will ever work at a job I was forced out of, the last time I will ever find joy in a relationship that ended, etc. You know what I’m talking about. Having said this, though, it’s helpful to look for the joy when we go through a the last time I will ever… moment. Sometimes the joy is found in a beautiful memory it created, and sometimes it’s found in anticipating the future. I wonder what joy you may have found in one of your the last time I will ever… moments. I bet our other listeners would love to know, too. You can share this in the “Leave a Comment” box at the bottom of the show notes, or you can send it to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org. Better yet, respond with your phone or computer by going to PodinBox.com/John, and record your answer, much like leaving a voice mail. Relationship question of the month What is a story from one of your relationships that you are especially thankful for? It can be just about anything. Like a time someone was especially kind to you. Or maybe something you learned from a person in your life. It could be something you observed in a crowd or in the company of strangers. Just about anything involving a relationship you’re grateful for would be fair game. Just go to PodinBox.com/John to record your answer using your phone or computer. With your answer, please include your name and where you’re from. It’s that simple. I’ll need your response by 5 pm Central time on November 16, 2022. Just go to PodinBox.com/John to record your answer. If something comes to mind right now, head over to PodinBox.com/John and give me a call. I’ll pick several responses to air on our Thanksgiving episode. Who knows, it could be yours! And if so

A friend I hadn’t seen in a while asked me the other day what was going on in my life. “Lots of death,” I said, filling in my response with examples.. Another thing going on was a moment of tenderness I saw in a man consoling his wife in a restaurant. I’ve been thinking for days about the tenderness I saw in both the restaurant and the deaths I described. It’s what we’re looking at in today’s episode. Tenderness in relationships found in unusual places. But before we get into today’s episode, here’s what this podcast is all about. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you’ve come to the right place. Here you’ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I’m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. Two Funerals Last week’s episode, no. 180 was about finding joy in an unusual place. Today we’re going to look at tenderness in relationships, and two unusual places to find it. The first is in the context is death. It’s certainly an unusual place to think about tenderness, but I saw it at the funeral of Dennis, the husband of a former co-worker of mine who died unexpectedly. I didn’t know him all that well, but I saw his tenderness in the photos of him with his wife and children. The slideshow that flashed across the screen at the front of the sanctuary showed a man who loved his family. You could see it in his smile. You could also hear it in what the pastor shared about him and his faithfulness and commitment to his family. Another place I saw tenderness was at the memorial service for a longtime friend and missionary who succumbed to cancer. I couldn’t make it to the service in person, so I watched it online. He was a leader and visionary in his mission organization and several of his colleagues talked about what a kind and compassionate man he was. With tears in their eyes, they spoke of his humility and how he mentored each of them in ways that brought out the best in each one of them. His wife and son also spoke. His wife, in particular, showed how devastated her loss has been. She spoke briefly about how much God hates death and the impact it has had on her. The tenderness in her loving relationship with her husband made the pain of her tragedy all the more difficult to watch. Shouldering a difficult responsibility The last example of death that’s been surrounding me lately began with a text I recently received from Martin, my former missionary friend. I talked about him in episodes 071 and 072. Martin wrote. “Josephine went to be with Jesus this afternoon and is now again united with Suzanne.” Josephine was his wife Suzanne’s mother who lived with them. When Suzanne died two years ago, Martin became the prime caregiver of his mother-in-law. This was a difficult responsibility for Martin in the context of his deep grief over losing his wife so suddenly and unexpectedly. It was also burdensome because of the significant health challenges his 80-something mother-in-law faced. I don’t know of many men who would have accepted this responsibility. Over the past two years, Martin and I talked about how wearisome it was for him. But in his commitment to his mother-in-law, I saw a tenderness in his relationship to his deceased wife. By caring for her mother, Martin was honoring Suzanne. Both of them returned first from China and then Germany to move to Chicago for the sole purpose of caring for Josephine. And Martin followed through on that commitment even though his wife was no longer with him to help. It’s really quite a touching story of love. Tenderness at a restaurant Finally, In the midst of all this death I’ve been talking about, there was also a moment of tenderness I witnessed in a man consoling his wife in a restaurant. Not about death, but about money. I’ve been thinking about it for days. I saw it played out on a weekend trip Janet and I took to a vacation spot in northeastern Wisconsin, Door County. There’s a well-known restaurant there we like to go to for breakfast, The White Gull Inn. While walking behind the hostess ushering us to our table, I spotted a young couple in their early 30s. I only overheard a small part of their conversation as they talked over the menu options. It was when the husband leaned across the table to his wife, looked her in the eye, and with the most compassionate and reassuring of voices, said, “…. we’re on vacation.” It was a moment of tenderness I won’t soon forget. From what I could tell from hearing the husband and seeing his eyes and body language, “We’re on vacation” was code for, “Don’t worry about the price, honey. Order what you’d really like. I know what you’d like is a little more expensive, but we’ve been pinching pennies all year. I know you worry about spending too much money, but just this once, treat yourself. You’re worth it. We’ll be okay with the money. We’ll figure it out. We’ve been saving for quite a while to do this. So enjoy yourself, please. Do it for me, okay? We’re on vacation.” I could only see the back of the wife’s head, but I have a hunch there were tears in her eyes in response to the tenderness of her husband. We’ve been there too Janet and I are twice as old as this couple, and we’ve had a number of “…we’re on vacation” moments like this. Where because of our financial condition at the time, the price difference between two scrambled eggs and the Denver omelet seemed like half a mortgage payment. I was so taken by this guy’s compassion for his wife. It encouraged me to be more like him. And then, several days after this tender moment in time, I thought of something else. I wish I would have had the presence of mind to get the attention of their waitress and tell her to bring me their bill, and I would pay for it. Yeah, I wish I would have thought of that. So what does all this mean for YOU? I’ve talked about two unusual places where I found tenderness. At funerals and at a restaurant. How about you? I wonder what are the unusual places you’ve found tenderness displayed. My guess is there are more places all of us could witness tender relationship moments if we paid attention and looked for them. Now is as good a time as any to start. Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode The tenderness you see in relationships, often in unusual places, can inspire us to develop and nurture tenderness in our own relationships. It’s worth the effort to look for it. We’ll be better people for it. Relationship question of the month Last week I introduced you to PodInBox.com, a website you can go to to leave a private voicemail for me. I would like to experiment with this tool to get listeners more involved with the episodes I’m planning for November, the month of Thanksgiving. For example, I have a relationship question I’d like you to answer by going to podinbox.com/john. There you can record your answer to my question using your phone or computer. I’m going to call it my “Question of the Month.” With your answer, please include your name and where you’re from. It’s that simple. There’s nothing to write or prepare. Okay? Here’s the question: What is a story from one of your relationships that you are especially thankful for? It can be just about anything. Like a time someone was especially kind to you. Or maybe something you learned from a person in your life. It could be something you observed in a crowd or in the company of strangers. Just about anything involving a relationship you’re grateful for would be fair game. I’ll need your response by 5 pm Central time on November 16. Just go to PodinBox.com/John to record your answer. If something comes to mind right now, head over to PodinBox.com/John and give me a call. I’ll pick several responses to air on our Thanksgiving episode. Who knows, it could be yours! And if so, it will look good on your resume. Closing In closing, I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode, either in writing or a phone call through PodinBox.com/John. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, enough to put into practice what you’ve just heard about looking for tenderness in unusual places. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that’s it for today. If there’s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/181. Or scroll down to the bottom of the show notes for this episode and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar. And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Related episodes you may want to listen to 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 072: How to Help a Grieving Friend 071: What I learned from a Grieving Friend 021: The Most Important Relationship of All Last week’s episode 180: An Unusual Place to Find Joy Our website where you can access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

You wouldn’t think you could find joy in the midst of difficult life events, but you can if you know how to look for it. Today’s episode is an interview with someone who did just that. Stuck in the world’s busiest airport after her flight was canceled, Our guest today, Jennifer Uren, shares what she did while waiting on standby for another flight, anxious to get to her destination for a speaking engagement the next day. Besides being one of the most interesting stories I’ve heard in a while, it illustrates a relationship lesson the rest of us can use to find joy even when life takes us in a direction we’d rather not go. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you’ve come to the right place. Here you’ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I’m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. Near the end of today’s show, I’m going to explain a new technology I want to try out that involves your participation. It has the potential to be great fun, but more on that later. An intriguing Facebook post To begin, here’s my interview with Jennifer Uren. It starts with why I contacted her in the first place. [I’m sorry there’s no transcript of the interview. Please consider listening to it by clicking on johncertalic.com/180. Here though, is her Facebook post which prompted me to contact her.] “Monday I was delayed and hung out at the airport all day and people watched. “When you pay attention, you can find connections and ways to serve weary travelers. “Like the older gentleman making calls and getting the runaround and hearing him say, ‘I don’t have anything to write with,’ so you jump up and bring him a pen so he doesn’t have to call back. “Or the mom standing in line to talk with the gate agent while her toddler explores, and you make eye contact to let her know you’ll be her second set of eyes. “Or the gentleman who has been on standby all day with you and just needed someone to hear his story and how he misses his dog.” So what does all this mean for YOU? I sure enjoyed my conversation with Jennifer, and I hope you did. too. I love how her Facebook post illustrated the ORA principle of relationships I’ve talked about on this podcast. Observe - Reflect - Act. Her action at the airport was the result of her reflection on what she observed while waiting all day to catch her flight. Today’s episode also makes me wonder how you can use what you’ve heard today to find more joy in the relationships in your life. I suggest that instead of looking outside of yourself to find more joy in life, look inside and ask how yourself, how can I create a small measure of joy for others? By becoming a source of joy for people, you’ll create it for yourself. It’s an unusual place to find joy, I know. It’s counter-intuitive. But it works. Give it a try. Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode To find more joy in life, don't limit yourself to the usual places you go to. Entertainment, sports, family, close friends. Those are sources of joy we draw from, which are all fine. Instead, expand your horizons and see if you can find joy in difficult circumstances by creating it for others. Maybe even for complete strangers. Because when we create joy for others, we create it for ourselves. Closing In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show - enough to try creating a little joy for the people you meet. I’d love to hear how this goes for you, so please contact me with any stories of what you try doing. Stories similar to what you heard in today’s episode. And this is where the new technology comes in that I mentioned earlier. To contact me with the brief stories you want to share, go to the website Podinbox.com/John. There you can record a voice message with your response from either your phone or computer. Include your name and where you’re from. It’s that simple. Nothing to write at all. I’ll then play a few of the responses in a future episode. Who knows, I may pick yours! It will look good on your resume if I do! That website again Podinbox.com/John. Well, that’s it for today. If there’s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/180. Or scroll down to the bottom of the show notes for this episode and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar. And don’t forget to check out Jennifer’s podcast, This Mom Knows. And while you’re at, spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Related episodes you may want to listen to 085: Finding Joy at the End of 2020 103: The Secret to Great Relationships 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 021: The Most Important Relationship of All This Mom Knows podcast Our website where you can access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

It seems to me that we are living in an increasingly noisy world. So many sounds, so many words, so many messages competing for our attention. I’m going to tell you a story today about how someone communicated with whispers that drowned out all the noise in the room. It’s a great relationship lesson about listening to the whispers. But before we get into today’s topic, here’s what this podcast is all about. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you’ve come to the right place. Here you’ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I’m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. A volunteer opportunity One of my favorite memories of our twin grandsons growing up is when Janet and I volunteered a couple of hours of our time at their grade school, once every couple of months or so. We would go to their classroom, and their teacher would have us help kids work on various tasks they were assigned. Unlike when we were in grade school, where desks were arranged in straight rows, their classroom had groups of four desks, facing each other to form a square. Janet and I would then go from group to group and help with any math, science, or reading assignments the kids were working on. All this while the teacher was working with her own larger reading group. The most memorable of these occasions happened when the boys were, I think, in 2nd grade. We walked in one morning near the beginning of the school year and met their teacher for the first time. I thought she was an 8th grader - she was so small and looked so very young. I immediately liked her. She assigned us to our different groups of 4 students, while she worked with her group. On this particular day, Janet was off in one corner of the room with a group, while I worked with another group. In mine, there was a boy struggling over something he didn’t quite understand. He got so frustrated that he started crying. So I helped him figure out whatever it was he didn’t get, and he finally calmed down. I felt so bad for him. School can be so demoralizing for some kids. It got noisy About this time, I noticed that the noise in the classroom began to increase. All these groups of 4 working on things and talking with each other. They weren’t goofing off, they were just talking with each other as they did their work. But it was getting louder and louder. I then wondered how this diminutive young teacher was going to handle the situation. When I was a teacher right out of college, I would have shouted out something like , “Hey! It’s getting too loud in here! I can’t hear myself think. Dial it down a few notches.” She did just the opposite. It was fascinating to watch. When the noise started to get to her too, she stopped with her reading group, and stood up from her chair. Keep in mind she wasn’t that much taller than her students. I expected she was going to shout out something, but she didn’t. Rather than talking louder than the kids, she spoke softer, almost in a whisper, asking the kids very politely to lower their voices. I was skeptical. How are these kids going to quiet down with her speaking so softly? Then an amazing thing happened. Slowly, one child noticed the teacher talking, who then asked the four classmates in her group to quiet down. “Shhh! I can’t hear what she’s saying.” This soon spread around the room. Kids stopped talking so they could listen to the whispers of the teacher. My respect for the teacher grew even more. I wish I would have tried this technique when I was in her shoes years ago. Her whispers reminded me of one of my favorite passages in the Bible. God whispers It’s a story of Elijah who had just won a confrontation with the prophets of Baal, and he was physically and emotionally exhausted. God then shows up and asks Elijah a question. I’ll read the question that begins the story in 1 Kings 19:9-15 “What are you doing here, Elijah?” “Elijah replied, ‘I have zealously served the LORD God Almighty. But the people of Israel have broken their covenant with you, torn down your altars, and killed every one of your prophets. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me, too." “Go out and stand before me on the mountain,” the LORD told him. And as Elijah stood there, the LORD passed by, and a mighty windstorm hit the mountain. It was such a terrible blast that the rocks were torn loose, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind, there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake, there was a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire, there was the sound of a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his cloak and went out and stood at the entrance of the cave. Whispers can get our attention God wasn’t in anything dramatic or noticeable. He didn’t wow Elijah with his presence. God got Elijah’s attention with a gentle whisper. Just like the grade school teacher of my twin grandsons. It’s how God works a lot of times, through his gentle whisper. It’s hard for us to hear his whispers sometimes because of all the noise around us competing for our attention. I don’t need to give you examples, you know what I’m talking about. They’re the metaphorical windstorms, earthquakes, and fires that Elijah experienced. It’s hard to hear the whispers of God through them. But we can if we try. Like the 2nd graders who stopped talking so they could hear their soft-spoken teacher speak. So what does all this mean for YOU? A couple of ideas come to mind about listening to the whispers of God. I’ll start with noise. Get rid of it as best you can. Turn off the radio, the music, the TV. And dare I say… the podcast. Build some measure of silence into your life. Create space for God to whisper to you. God is a gentleman and won’t barge into your mind and heart if they’re filled with things that distract you from Him. I wonder, too, if God, through his Holy Spirit, has already been whispering to you. Is he prompting you to take a certain action or think a particular thought? Like saying something to encourage someone. Or deciding to forgive that person who hurt you. Hmmm. Finally, if you’re not hearing anything from God, ask him to whisper something important to you that you need to hear. The whisper may come from a verse in the Bible, something you see in nature, or a thought from a friend. There’s no limit to God’s creativity in communicating with us. Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode The loud and dramatic get our attention. Most of it, though, is just noise. And it's not how God usually communicates with us. More often than not, he reaches out to us with whispers. Whispers from his Holy Spirit, from the Bible, and from people he prompts to act on our behalf. Good things happen when we listen to God’s whispers. Closing In closing, I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, enough to put into practice what you’ve just heard about listening to the whispers from God. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that’s it for today. If there’s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/179. Or scroll down to the bottom of the show notes for this episode and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar. And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Related episodes you may want to listen to 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 021: The Most Important Relationship of All Our website where you can access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

There are so many thoughts about relationships running around in my head lately that I’ve wanted to share with you. They’ve been like little kids scrambling for the candy thrown from 4th of July floats parading down the street. I’ll tell you about a few of them in today’s episode because they’re examples of good relationships I’ve seen in action that can inspire us to relate in similar ways with the people in our lives. But before we get into today's topic, here’s what this podcast is all about. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you’ve come to the right place. Here you’ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I’m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. Observing a good relationship in action The first example of good relationships in action is something I saw at our granddaughter’s tennis tournament several weeks ago. As I was getting the lawn chairs out of our vehicle, another one pulled in next to me - a couple in their late 30s, I would guess. When the wife got out of their van, she looked at me and asked, “Are you a therapist? I saw your license plate and wondered if you’re a therapist.” My license plate, as you can see from the photo in the show notes, reads “I LISTEN.” I said I wasn’t, but that I LISTEN refers to a major theme of the podcast I do. I then asked her if she listens to podcasts. She said she does and asked the name of mine, so I told her. It was interesting that she connected listening with therapy. Good therapists do listen, of course. Good friends listen even more. But I don’t think I’ll ever be asked, “Are you a good friend to people?” I wondered later if SHE was a therapist. I wish I would have asked her. That could have made for an interesting conversation. Instead, I started to talk to her husband as he pulled a baby stroller out of the back of their minivan. I asked him if he knew someone playing in the tournament. He told me, “no,” but were there to watch the granddaughter of one of their friends play. Relational Sunshine at a tennis tournament What a great example of good relationships in action. This couple supporting their older friend by being at his side while he supported his granddaughter by watching her tennis match. The couple and grandfather could have been doing other things on the beautiful sunny Saturday of the tennis tournament. But that’s how it is with good relationships, they involve sacrifice at times. Without knowing it, this couple spread a little relational sunshine into my life that morning. I wish we were neighbors. They just showed up for their friend and his granddaughter. They reminded me that I can do the same thing for others. And so can you. The relationship between the grandfather, his friends, and the granddaughter reminded me of what a missionary once told me about how people could best care for her. She said, “When you love my baby, you love me…even if my baby is 23.” What a great principle to nurture good relationships. Missed opportunities to nurture good relationships That Saturday at the tennis tournament, I was struck by how few parents or other adults come to watch their children or grandchildren play. It’s never crowded at a high school tennis match. I can understand low attendance at weekday matches late in the afternoon after school lets out. It would be hard for many parents with jobs to get to there on time. But Saturday matches? Come on people. It’s similar to what I experienced when our son played high school basketball. We would go to his games and get to meet the parents of the other players. At one particular game, I remember talking to one of the other fathers, mentioning I hadn’t seen him in a while, and that it was good to have him back in the stands with the rest of us. He said, “Yeah, I haven’t been coming because my son doesn’t get to play much. He just sits on the bench. No sense in coming if he’s not playing.” Ouch, I thought. What a missed opportunity to be part of his son’s life without having to say or do anything. Just sit and watch, even if his boy is on the bench. Just show up. We underestimate the power of showing up for things our kids are involved in. Our son sat on the bench for a while, too. But to only come when your kid is playing sends the wrong kind of message. It says, “I want to be part of your life when you’re succeeding, namely when the coach gets you off the bench and puts you in the game. But otherwise, not so much.” This isn’t the way to develop good relationships with your children. Tell people how they impacted you makes for good relationships Here’s another example of a good relationship at work. There’s a small diner near us where Janet and I have gotten to know the manager. She was working the grill the last time we were there. It was quite busy, but when things slowed down, she came out to our booth and said, “I just listened to your latest podcast episode, and it brought me to tears. I’m going to go back to episode 1 and start listening to all of them. I especially want to hear the interview that you did about the wife who cleaned off the grave marker of her husband's first wife.” What kind and thoughtful comments for the manager to make in the midst of her busy shift. I got a little sunburn from this relational sunshine. Good relationships can be nurtured by applying what we read in books The last relationship thought I’ll leave you with comes from a book I’m reading by Alan Alda entitled If I Understood You, Would I Have This Look on My Face - My Adventures in the Art and Science of Relating and Communicating. You remember Alan Alda from M*A*S*H, don’t you? Among other things, he talks in the book about how people can actually learn empathy. Really, people can LEARN to be empathetic? That’s encouraging! It’s such an important part of good relationships. I’m going to review the book in more detail in a future episode. It’s really quite good. So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you’ve heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life? In the relationship stories I mentioned today, a common theme in all 3 is that they came about by observing. Observing the couple coming to the tennis tournament to support their friend and his granddaughter. The restaurant manager observing how someone was impacting her life and then telling that person. And finally, observing what an author says in his book that will help good relationships develop. So what are you observing in others? In yourself? In the books you read? I’d love to hear any examples you observe of good relationships in action. I bet the rest of our listening audience would, too. You can send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org, or by filling in the Leave a Comment box at the end of the show notes. Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode One way to develop good relationships is to watch how other people do it. Notice how people show up for one another, how they listen and encourage each other. And then do what they do with your relationships. Closing I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, enough to put into practice what you’ve just heard about developing good relationships. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God wants for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that’s it for today. If there’s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/178. And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Related episodes you may want to listen to 172: How to Develop Deeper Relationships 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 021: The Most Important Relationship of All Last Week's Episode 177: How to Relate With High-Maintenance People Our website where you can access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

I received a disturbing email from a missionary serving overseas the other day that mentioned a relationship challenge he and his wife were facing. It’s an issue most of us have had to handle at one time or another. Namely, how to relate with high-maintenance people. It’s the subject of today’s show, where you will hear a few ideas for how you can deal with this challenge. I also explain why I found this missionary's email troublesome. It’s not what you might think. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you’ve come to the right place. Here you’ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I’m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. That troublesome email And now for that troublesome email I got about high-maintenance people. I am one of many on the mailing list of the missionary who sent it, who, in connection with his missionary role, pastors a church overseas. The email came from him and his wife, with news they heard from their daughter while they were out of town. For confidentiality reasons, I’ve changed the names of the people mentioned in the email. It begins with this: Emily, one of our extra-grace church members, had died alone in her apartment. It wasn’t a big surprise. She had been in and out of the hospital more times than we can count. For most of us, her passing left us with a confusing mix of relief and sadness. She constantly challenged the limits of love and patience. She loved Jesus but sadly died without being reconciled with her own family. And Jared was her pastor for over 20 years - not always an easy job. The first thing that jumps out at me is the descriptive term they use for the woman who died, “extra-grace church member.” From the context of the email, you can tell “extra-grace church members” is code for a high-maintenance person who wears people out, and who requires us to extend extra grace to maintain our sanity. Something like that, anyway. I’ll come back to this term in a minute. I feel for this missionary/pastor and his wife. Many of us have been in high-maintenance relationships like this that tax our energy. The times I’ve been in situations like this, I want to hide or flee. But as a pastor, you don’t have that option. People like this come with the territory. The problem with labels But here’s why I find the email troubling: the description of the woman as “one of our extra-grace church members.” I first came across this concept at a church we were at years ago. Janet and I were on the congregational care committee and would meet periodically to help with this important function of the church. At one particular meeting, we were given a list compiled by one of the pastoral staff of 6-8 people at our church who had various needs. Their names were listed together with what they needed. Things like hospital visits, meals for people getting out of the hospital, rides to church, etc. Next to one of the names was a note, EGR. When I asked what EGR meant, I was told it meant “Extra Grace Required.” It referred to the person as being very needy, expecting a lot from the church staff, and who expressed displeasure when those needs were not met. I cringed inside when I heard this. What if that list got out to the person, or anyone else for that matter, and EGR was explained to them? Who also is an EGR person in the church? Am I on the list, too, people might wonder. When we label people, it ends up becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. Please don’t do this. Please don’t label people like this. It can cause so much harm. Euphemisms and labels like this grow out of frustration, but they separate us from each other. Source of the problem in relating to high-maintenance people So what’s behind this kind of labeling and view of people? I’m sure it starts with pure motives. People like the missionary and the pastoral staff want to help, they want to minister to people. It’s why most of them get into ministry. They feel called by God to do what they do. And I hope the same can be said for the rest of us. That while we may not be a missionary or a pastor, we want to care for people. We want to help each other. It’s wired into our DNA at some level because we are all created in the image and likeness of God. There’s a little bit of God’s character in all of us. Given all this, let’s consider the source of the problem of relating to high-maintenance people. It’s easy to say the problem is with those people who are a pain in the neck with their demands and all that they require of us.In the reality, though, the problem is US, not them. People become high-maintenance to us largely because we let them. In some cases, we’ve trained others to be needy in their relationship with us. We do so mostly because we lack the skill to relate well with high-maintenance people. And it’s no wonder. For pastors and missionaries, how to relate well with difficult people isn’t normally taught in seminaries or bible colleges. The rest of us haven’t been taught either. The good news is that we can learn the skill we need to deal with the needy. One skill that would be helpful to learn in situations like this is to apply the ORA model of relationships that I’ve talked about a number of times. Observe - Reflect - Act. Observe Let’s start with observe. What patterns of behavior do you see in the high-maintenance person, not isolated events, but patterns? What are the things that trigger those patterns? Is there one specific behavior that bothers me, or is it a constellation of behaviors? Is this person high-maintenance with just me, or is he or she like this with other people, too? How long has this person been so needy? Do you have any idea of when this person started being high-maintenance, or have they always been this way? We also need to observe what is going on inside of me. It’s about self-awareness, one of the most important relational skills there is. Is there anything that high-maintenance people trigger within me? What buttons might people like this be pushing within me? Am I a people pleaser, and as hard as I try, there’s just no pleasing this high-maintenance person in my life? Am I trying to prove something to myself or someone else in keeping people happy? Is saying “no” to people hard for me, and if it is, why? And is it possible, that my identity is so wrapped up in helping people that I kind of like it when they're needy? But only in the beginning, until they wear me out. Reflect After making these observations, we need to reflect. For example, reflect upon what’s been done up to this point to deal with the needs of the high-maintenance person. What’s worked and what hasn’t? What other options do I have? To what extent have I been truthful with the high-maintenance person in my life? Reflect upon my limits. Have I exceeded them? Do I need more margin in my life in order to have the emotional energy to relate well with high-maintenance people and others in my life? Every time I say “yes” to what high-maintenance people ask of me means I’m saying “no” to something else. What is it costing me in other areas of my life to relate with needy people like this? Reflect upon what might be causing this high-maintenance person to be the way they are. Take a guess. Every behavior has a payoff, so what could be the payoff to the person being a difficulty to others? What’s in it for them? Could their behavior be a manifestation of a mental illness? What have I done in the past when I just didn’t know what to do? Are there other people who could help me in helping the high-maintenance person in my life? Reflect upon what Jesus would do in the situation you’re in. Reflect upon what would be the loving thing to do. Not the nice thing, but the loving thing. What would benefit the high-maintenance person the most, long-term? And then reflect on this thought, do I already know what I should do, and I’m just reluctant to do it? Act Finally, after we observe and reflect, it’s time to act in relating with the high-maintenance people in our life. Ask God for wisdom. He’ll show you what to do. Reflect his character and image well in whatever action you take. Doing nothing can be a wise option as long as it’s carefully thought out and considered in light of all the variables in play. The answer to “what should I do?” may very well appear to you after you reflect upon what you observed. It often happens that way. Listen well to high-maintenance people. Ask good questions. Look for meaning below the surface of their responses. Whatever you decide to do, be truthful and express that truth with kindness and compassion. Be honest. Tell the high-maintenance person what you can and can’t do for them. Help them see the choices they have and the implications for each of them Above all, point people to Jesus. Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode Don’t let high-maintenance people get the best of you. Use the ORA principle of deepening relationships to relate with them. Observe, Reflect, then Act. It’s a skill. And as with any skill, it just takes practice. Closing I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, enough to put into practice what you’ve just heard about relating with high-maintenance people. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God wants for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that’s it for today. If there’s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/177. And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. 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