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You Deserve Medals
128 minutes | Apr 28, 2022
Apollo 13: What Humanity Could Accomplish Before Social Media
There are very few things in life that Jay and I love more than a good space movie. And while we would both trade everything we have for an hour of wife and child-free peace, sitting back and viewing an incredibly well-written, visually stunning, and powerfully inspiring space movie runs a very close second. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find a copy of Howard the Duck, but Apollo 13 was a decent backup. Apollo 13 was one of the few horrible hiccups in NASA’s moon program, and it would be easy to key in on the things that went wrong. However, this movie does something that very few films can accomplish successfully - it provides competency over abundance. Thousands of people, each the absolute best and brightest in their area, working together with extreme dedication, calm, and brilliance to bring three men home from certain doom. There is nothing better than the best acting like the best, and the fact that everything in this movie actually happened lifts our dark spirits in a way we never thought possible. We don’t use the word masterpiece very often, but everything in this movie - the casting, acting, writing, directing - all contribute to one of the best movies ever made. If billionaires buying social media companies and Russia threatening nuclear war are getting you down, this movie is like a healing elixir, reminding you of a time when humanity achieved the impossible, just because they wanted to. Now if you’ll excuse us, we have to go get severe joint injuries just from waking up in the morning.
91 minutes | Feb 13, 2022
Starman: Sometimes the Biggest Diamond is Surrounded by Gems
You can be forgiven for forgetting about Starman, an early 80’s science fiction romance that came out in the same year as such obscure indie films as Ghostbusters, The Karate Kid, Gremlins, Beverly Hills Cop, The Terminator, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, Conan, The Last Starfighter…Can we please travel back in time to 1984? We digress - Starman wasn’t a flashy popcorn blockbuster. It didn’t have crazy action sequences, outrageous special effects, or big budgets with bigger production values behind it. It was, however, a movie with a lot of heart, with shockingly good acting and writing that grabs onto your feels like two daughters you have to pretend to love until they're both 18. If you can get over yet another sci-fi lead actress with a hideous chin-bum-thing, you’ll find an extremely well written and acted story that truly does the “visitor from another world” trope justice. Characters learn and grow, their attitudes and relationships mature in a natural and believable way, and it transitions seamlessly from a compelling science fiction film into a love story easy to invest in. A grieving widow meets a stranded alien who looks like her dead husband, gradually falls in love with him, and helps him find his way home. It sounds simple - because it is - but the most beautiful things in our lives tend to be the simplest ones. Seriously, though…Benny has an unnerving reaction to people with those chin-bum things. He needs help.
93 minutes | Feb 1, 2022
Flash Gordon: Travel Back in Time to When Movies Made No Sense
Ahhh…another turn of the decade sci-fi classic, featuring an indifferent and poorly conceived modern day Earthling protagonist with flowing locks, thrust into the far future to embark on a space battle for freedom, while having to choose between an attractive but boring romantic interest or an absolute sultry smokeshow of a romantic interest. Is this a horrible run-on sentence? Absolutely. But one thing it is not is describing Buck Rogers. This time, it’s Flash Gordon - the star Quarterback who ends up helping winged barbarians fight an Asian-themed villain, while an evil princess - who is clearly the superior romantic option - ends up with a classically trained Shakespearean actor in green tights. We really, truly want to say that this is one of those examples of “so bad it’s good”, but the least thing we want to do is turn this podcast into a house of terrible lies. We aren’t fun-killers and we can appreciate a cheesy flick for the entertainment value it provides, and Flash certainly has its moments; the opening comic book scrawl is fantastic, Omella Muti makes us want to travel back in time, and Timothy Dalton acts the absolute #$%! out of his role. But everything else is just a jumble of horrible writing, horrible acting, and so many plot holes that you’ll pop a truck tire driving over them. If you’re keen on a SUPER 70’s/80’s feeling film that will absolutely never make you have to use your brain whatsoever, then strap in and blast off to absolute apathy and regret! Flash…saviour of the universe and king of the impossible indeed.
122 minutes | Jan 19, 2022
The Goonies: You Had to Know This One was Coming at Some Point
Once in a while, things that embody chaos, disappointment, and confusion end up sinking their greasy claws into our hearts and hold on throughout our lives with the tenacity of a rabid bulldog. For Jay, it’s the overwhelming adoration for wearing animal onesies while sipping homemade Shirley Temples. For Benny, it’s the demon spawn his DNA belched into this world. Yet both of us share a mutual example of this - a timeless tale of random delinquents who go on an outrageously dangerous and difficult journey to find a long-dead pirate’s treasure, and save their homes from purchase and destruction. No, this isn’t the latest NBC Survivor clone; it’s The Goonies, more popularly known as Thanos, Samwise, and a bunch of randos. By all accounts, The Goonies just shouldn’t work. A ridiculous overarching plot? Check. Cartoonish villains? You betcha. An incredibly unrealistic series of tests and traps, the menace of which doesn’t fit the feel of the movie? Of course. A loveable and heartwarming special needs character with a horrific backstory? Bonus points. And yet, everything comes together in a classic that has staying power. Sure, a lot of the story is ridiculous, and boy did we poke holes in it, but it plays its heart out and reminds us all that movies used to be zany fun. Because goodness knows we need to be reminded of that these days. Grab your kids, snuggle up with some popcorn, and have an absolute blast - watching Goonies with family makes it infinitely more enjoyable, and you’ll have a fantastic time. If you don’t end yourself from the incessant rambling chatter that permeates the entire run time.
110 minutes | Jan 3, 2022
Star Trek II - The Wrath of Khan: When Someone Calls this a Classic, Believe the Hype
New and old listeners alike can agree on one thing - Benny is not a smart man. He prefers fart jokes and explosions over deep and meaningful dialogue and themes. He makes detailed notes for every episode because he has the memory of a dead parakeet. He got married and had kids. All of the hallmarks of a functional idiot. So it shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone that he met Jay’s praise of Wrath of Khan with surprise, disbelief, and derision. It’s classic Trek, Benny said. It’s 60’s fashion and cheesy fight scenes, without a single awesome Picard monologue to be found. How could it possibly be as good as Jay built it up to be? Well, much like when Jay told Benny not to rub his eyes after wiping post-poop, he was absolutely right in all the best ways. Star Trek II - The Wrath of Khan - is every bit the masterpiece people have said it is. It isn’t just the best Trek movie ever made; it’s one of the best films we have ever seen. The quality is in every scene, every moment…from Kirk’s internal battle against the retirement-like oblivion of promotion, through characters like Chekov and Saavik experiencing equal growth and development, to the epically nuanced battle of wits between Khan and Kirk. Hell, even the horrific brain slug provided tension and nausea in equal measures. On the off chance that you haven’t watched Wrath of Khan yet, listen to your nerd uncle or dork cousin. This movie isn't just an amazing sci-fi movie. It’s cinema at its absolute finest.
113 minutes | Dec 13, 2021
End of Season Two Special: The Current State of Star Trek
Shocking revelations come in all shapes and sizes. Did you know that Chris Evan’s wore a prosthetic jaw in Avengers in order to hide the beard he was growing for Snowpiercer? How about the fact that Stephen Hawking was the only person to ever play him or herself on a Star Trek episode? Or, when you first look into the eyes of your newborn baby, you don’t see the 18 years of emotional trauma you’ll suffer at their indifferent and ungrateful hands? Most shocking of all…You Deserve Medals has survived two full seasons, and Jay still talks to Benny despite all of the on-air belches, stories of childhood horror, and a drastically disproportionate workload! Huzzah! Much like the end of Season 1, when we lamented about the state of another beloved franchise with “Star” in its name, this time we decided to cap off our second season with a discussion about all things Star Trek. And, much like that Season 1 end episode, we don’t have a ton of great things to say about the subject in question, where it is, or where it’s going. However, it gave us great movies like Wrath of Khan, fantastic characters like Picard (before he was completely destroyed by Kurtzman and Stewart), and our fond memories provide a warming security blanket against the uncomfortable chills of Discovery, Lower Decks, Picard, and whatever other garbage that Paramount decides to vomit onto the fetid corpse of what’s left of Trek. You know…just in case you weren’t sure about how we felt. So hug your replica phaser, say “engage” to your podcast app with the stoicism of a classically trained British actor, and join us on a Star Trek retrospective by two middle aged men who remember better days.
94 minutes | Nov 28, 2021
Young Guns: If 80‘s Glam Rock Made a Cowboy Movie
Nostalgia is a powerful force, and is a driving factor in our show. But when you reach our ages, very few movies actually MAKE you feel younger. Watching them doesn’t just trigger memories of your youth, but reminds you of how you FELT when you first saw them. When you could bend over and tie your shoe without throwing your shoulder out for a week. When time was an irrelevant currency simply because we had so much of it, and was always squandered on Super Nintendos and late night movie marathons. When you could wake up every morning energized and eager to face the world...instead of staring into a mirror while you watch what little of you remains drift away like a fart in the wind, as marriage and reproduction ravage your vitality. This is one of those movies. It isn’t fantastic by any stretch of the imagination, and parts of it are downright ruined by poor editing choices (slow motion for the entire final battle? Really?). But when you take the hottest young male stars of the day, give them guns and horses, and tell them to chew tobacco and shoot people for two hours, you get a movie like Young Guns. If raging testosterone, outrageous sex appeal, and surprisingly decent acting all made a baby, you would get this movie. And even if you don’t end up liking it, you’re definitely going to feel like you did before you had to get a CPAP machine. This movie doesn’t just remind you of the 80’s...you’ll feel it in your bones. Regulate, indeed.
88 minutes | Nov 16, 2021
The Lost Boys: The Definitive Vampire Movie, with the Definitive Greased-Up Sax Legend
The 80’s were just a different time, full of wonder and creativity. They were painted with the hope and anticipation of a bright future, while struggling with the specter of ever-impending nuclear apocalypse. This is the era that brought us Walkmans, ushered in the golden age of the video arcade, and put the movie theater in every living room with grainy VHS tapes. The likes of the DeLorean was matched with big hair, neon colours and even bigger personalities. Movies of all genres were breaking ground, and establishing high bars that even 21st century flicks have yet to meet. If there was ever a time in our history to combine teenage vampires with an oiled-up and shirtless mullet-wielding badass saxophone player who groin-pumped his way into our collective memories, 1987 was it. The Lost Boys sounds like a ridiculous premise on paper, and there are many parts of the movie that go out of their way to support this thought. But make no mistake - this movie is the definitive vampire culture flick of our generation, and does so many things right that we can forgive the fact that it has not one, but two famous Corey’s in it. The story is campy yet easily digested, the characters refreshingly natural, and it strikes all the right chords when it comes to 80’s dark comedy/horror. And forget all of the modern attempts at depicting vampires as ancient warriors or civil war survivors...Kiefer Sutherland is THE movie vampire, and if this movie doesn’t convince you of that, then you are dead to us.
101 minutes | Nov 1, 2021
Alien Nation: Buddy Cop Cookie with a Sweet Alien Center
What do you think of when presented with a foreign population hastily integrated within America, forced to come to terms with its new environment, and productively contribute to its new society? A checkered past, shrouded in mystery, hiding a horrible narcotics addiction that once ravaged their population and threatens to do so again? Unheard of levels of violence and crime ripping through their population, shaking the very foundation of everything they’re trying to build in their new home? If your answer is anything but “why Jay and Benny, you are referring to the seminal 1988 classic Alien Nation, not to be confused with the visual horror show that was the 1989 TV series of the same name”, then shame on you, and you are everything wrong with society right now. Join us as we open a true surprise bag of a film neither of us remembers, only to be greeted by a prize we never expected to be so good, so entertaining, and so well put together. Alien Nation combines excellent characters, a decent plot, and shockingly competent relationship development into a tight package of 80’s movie buddy cop deliciousness. However, once you see an alien crack open a cylinder of red drug slime and gargle it like an enraged zoo animal, you may protest our use of the word “delicious”.
108 minutes | Oct 18, 2021
Heathers: Dark. Hilarious. Deep. Mineral Water.
Do you remember opening Christmas presents as a child, and every year you experienced that one trick gift? The one that looked like it should have been something else, but when you open it, you’re completely surprised by something entirely different? Well, call us Santa Claus, because we’ve given you a big shiny box labeled “Episode 12 - Heathers”, but we’ve filled it with almost 2 hours of deep philosophical discussions related to relationships, stereotypes, and other light and airy subjects. And is there really anything better than listening to two physically and emotionally broken men in their mid-40’s yammer on about deep topics in a semi-cheesy late 80’s movie for almost two hours? A new entry to our list of phrases we never thought we would utter: Heather’s is another fan request. And boy howdy did it pretty much toss everything we expected right out the window along with our hopes, dreams, and life potential. Heathers is truly one of the most unique movies of modern cinema, ushering in grittier and more cynical 90’s flair while waving goodbye to the 80’s with complex ideas around popularity and suicide glorification. In between all of this is characters that have no business being as complex as they are, lines that shouldn’t be as eternally hilarious as they are, and Christian Slater channeling his inner Jack Nicholson as well as he did. This movie is weird yet entertaining, funny yet ominously dark, and absolutely worth a watch (or rewatch). Based on feedback from one person, our episode write-ups will no longer feature key topics covered. We want our episodes to truly be a surprise, so that your absolute disappointment and rage can be maximized. And despite a deplorably wide chasm in terms of work and effort put into this show by Jay, Benny would love to do even less than he already is. So chug some mineral water, strip in the woods, and let Jay and Benny poison you into flavour country. Or something.
87 minutes | Sep 30, 2021
The Neverending Story: Not Even a Dumpster Fire of a Flying Dog-Thing Can Ruin This Classic
A young boy, overwhelmed with grief at the sudden and potentially violent loss of his mother. A newly widowed father, still struggling to cope with massive change, becomes cold and distant to his son. With his imagination the only thing allowing him to escape to some semblance of happiness, the boy shoplifts a valuable original print book from a kind old man’s shop, and proceeds to hide in his school overnight while hallucinating a fantastical adventure with talking rocks and wolves until the early hours of the morning. Is this a horror story? A semi-accurate description of the life trauma that made Benny the mess he is today? Or a seminal childhood classic which features a flying dog-dragon that holds up about as well as a ham sandwich you hid behind a radiator 20 years ago? The Neverending Story is one of those rare childhood classics that not only deserves to be called one, but offers complexity, creativity, and a deep sugary nougat you usually have to suck on a Tootsie Pop to reach. From gorgeous set pieces, to solid directing and editing, right down to surprisingly deep characters, no amount of shade tossed onto it by two embittered middle-aged men can tarnish the shine this movie has. Yes, some parts are goofy, some moments don’t really survive the test of time too well, but for the most part it’s a solid romp down memory lane. Climb aboard that abhorrent piece of garbage Falcor, and chase some bullies into a garbage dumpster as we discuss such topics as: Benny had absolutely no idea that this movie was originally a German film. Like, German German There was not one, but two sequel films. The fact that you’re saying “really?” pretty much sums up how good they were The character design is fantastic in this movie, far better than they have any right to be. Even the wolf, who has some awful motion effects near the end, still manages to elicit a sense of dread The matte paintings in this film are honestly among the best we’ve ever seen, and it renewed our sorrow for this lost art form Transitions, transitions, transitions. It’s a little thing, but the movements between the fantasy world and Bastion’s real world are smooth and perfectly timed, and really add to the effectiveness of the storytelling Contrary to what Benny spent the past 26 years of his life believing, the horse that plays Artax didn’t actually die, and you’re a fool for believing that he did. But not Benny. Benny is no fool We don’t care how fondly you remember Falcor; he is a garbage character who repeatedly annihilates any tension or gravity the movie builds. The producers also apparently blew their effects budget on the other characters, because Falcor looks like a grade 3 production of Marmaduke It’s amazing what an adult perspective can give you with a movie like this. The inner battle with Bastion - real life vs imagination - is presented really well, and makes you think deeply about the moments we began to drift away from fantasy Also, the Sphinxs’ at the first gate have nipples Bastion, you have the power to grant yourself any wish you like, and as many as you could ever dream of. Oh, your first wish is to fly the crappy luck dragon? Really?
94 minutes | Sep 21, 2021
Monster Squad: When Classic Monsters and a Semi-Obscure 80‘s Kid Adventure Make a Beautiful Baby
Finding a $20 bill in the pocket of a jacket you haven’t worn in a while. Sliding into a hole in the wall restaurant out of desperation and having the best meal of your life. A negative paternity test, regardless of your age, location, or relationship status. Bringing home a pet cat and discovering it’s actually a dog. Life is full of pleasant surprises like these, so imagine our shock and pleasant surprise when this episode came to be. Not only did we receive confirmation that real, living human beings listen to our show, but one of them (You know who you are, Matthew) tossed us a flick neither of us even remembered, and it turned out to be way better than it has any right to be. Monster Squad is the gripping tale of Dracula (who has unclear motivations) raising a small platoon of classic monsters (with no clear motivations) to terrorize a town in a quest to find a gem (with unclear motivations) and the only thing standing in their way is a small band of plucky kids (with no clear motivations). However, much like the obscene amount of ketchup you toss onto your wife’s cooking so you can say “yummy” through gritted teeth and visible tears, it just works - and works pretty darn well. The classic monster look, mixed with decent acting and comedic timing that’s on point, combine to make a movie that went from slipping under our radar, to gathering the kids for a classic 80’s movie night while they break their necks rolling their eyes and calling us old. Fatherhood is an eternal joy. Turn the lights low, light some candles, and put the spooky music on, as Jay and Benny haunt their way through such scary topics as: Matthew started the fire, and more of you have come forward with gasoline. If you listen to our show, and want us to watch something and talk about it, please reach out to us on Facebook, Tik Tok, Instagram, our website, carrier pigeon, horse courier, etc. There’s something to be said about the monster choices in this movie. This is the classic 50’s Dracula, complete with broach, cape, and bat transformation. And he does a fantastic job of being menacing while still classy Werewolf ends up being one of the most compelling characters in the entire movie. We love his arc, right up to his “thank you” at death Rudy is a...perplexing...character. He’s an absolute badass of a stud, who also desperately wants to be part of a group of smaller, nerdy kids obsessed with monsters. That isn’t typically how life works The interactions between Sean and his dad are fantastic, and remind us of a couple of great moments in The Gate. Family familiarity and chemistry are really hard to fake in a movie, and Monster Squad succeeds where so many other movies have failed The comedic timing is great. Cuts between comments like “2,000 year old dead guys don’t get up and walk on their own” and an immediate clip of a 2,000 year old dead guy walking on his own. Or the monster squad joining hands with a dog paw thrown in and someone asking how the dog got up into the treehouse. These are little things, but they make a big difference in the quality of a movie The 80’s musical montage of the kids getting ready to fight the monsters include Rudy making real, live, silver bullet ammunition in a school shop class. Methinks this would be frowned upon If you aren’t kicking wolfman in the nards, we don’t know who you are anymore One would think that the police would have a better strategy to fight these monsters than to lay down their firearms and charge into hand-to-hand combat Do yourself a favour and watch this movie to the end, so you can enjoy the closing credits monster squad rap. This is real. It is a real song you will experience. For real
103 minutes | Sep 10, 2021
Transformers: Just When You Thought Chernobyl and Challenger Were the Worst Things from 1986
Have you ever been without something or someone for so long that you ache from places deep within yourself? And when you finally become reacquainted, the crushing realization that reality will never live up to expectation washes over every fiber of your being and leaves you a convulsing, sobbing waste of human life? Well put on some of that extra runny mascara and squeeze into your party dresses, because after a longer than anticipated hiatus due to all sorts of disasters only a middle aged family man would ever have to deal with, Jay and Benny are back! And what better way to celebrate our return than with an absolute dumpster fire of an animated movie, based on a flaming crap heap of an 80’s cartoon, which spawned frustratingly inarticulate action figures, all of which Benny somehow loves more than life itself? Transformers - the 1986 cartoon, not the abominations that Michael Bay crapped out after a night of shooting motor oil into his genitals - really is a movie from our youths that should never have existed. From half the Autobots we grew up loving being gang executed in the first 5 minutes, to Orson Welles gasping out Unicron lines while being resuscitated on a hospital gurney, this movie is a shining example of the power of nostalgia. Sure, Optimus Prime rocket jet-leaping into battle and “arise Rodimus Prime” are goosebump-inducing moments, but this is one of those movies that we love solely because of the time in our lives that it represents. When we had all the time in the world. When our biggest concern was having to eat an extra veggie for dinner. When our main sorrow came from having to put Optimus Prime and Megatron down for dinner. All of those moments before growing up, getting a job and raising a family absolutely annihilated our wills to live. It sure as heck isn’t because this is a good movie, because it absolutely is not. Transform and roll out with us, and watch this movie through the lenses of a 9 year old as we dive back into our childhoods and talk about things like: Can this movie’s cast calm the #$%@$ down? Orson Welles, Eric Idle, Judd Nelson, Leonard Nimoy, Robert Stack, Casey Casem...say what you will about the movie, but the production team didn’t skimp on the talent We feel as though there was a better way to introduce new characters than having most of the ones we loved getting unceremoniously gunned down in cold blood. Ironhide getting a Megatron cannon to the skull? Cold blooded While we’re on the subject, it isn’t as if they committed genocide so that awesome new characters could take their place. Is Arcee better than Ratchet? Is Kup better than Ironhide? Should Blur even be allowed to exist in this world? We think not Jay can kiss Benny’s posterior; Stan Bush wrote the soundtrack to our lives. I dare you to play Dare and not rock the heck out This entire mess of a movie produced two moments that you will Youtube again and again. Optimus exploding into the air to gun down Decepticons is the animated kids movie equivalent of Rambo opening up a 50 cal on Myanmar soldiers Ultra Magnus is far more of a repugnant coward than we remember him being. From aggressively not caring about comrades presumably dying, to clawing away at the Matrix while he’s gunned down into pieces, he’s sniveling and worthless Most of the side stories are completely pointless. The ocean world gives us an annoying child to entertain Hot Rod, Kup, and Grimlock, and the junk planet gives us horrible looking robots who conveniently have interstellar spaceships ready to launch. Yes, we get it...here are shark and motorcycle robots for you to consume, little piglets The final fight between Hot Rod and Galvatron/Unicron is cheesy, terribly animated, and makes no sense. It’s also one of Benny’s favourite moments in all of movie history, so take that however you like
25 minutes | Aug 19, 2021
B-Sides and Other Rarities - The Lost Episode
Imagine being present during the golden age of the dinosaurs, or traveling back to witness the rise of Athens, the fall of Rome, or the incredible first flight of the Wright brothers. The awe and wonder you would feel watching those first few moments of the moon landing, or the emotional ride of Banting and Best taking their first steps towards saving the lives of millions of people every year. Well, now is your chance to turn the clock back and witness a moment that is of equal gravity and impact on the history of the human species. Jay and Benny are proud to present a B-Side more anticipated and coveted than anything hacks like The Beatles and NIN ever crapped out. While we sort out a couple of mid-life crisis situations, and while Jay uses medication to hold down his vomit while editing our upcoming Transformers (1986) episode, please enjoy this short introduction prologue - the first episode we ever recorded, which has lain dormant and unreleased until this moment. Join us at the very start of our podcast journey, before movies like Krull and Remo Williams crushed what little happiness and hope we held in our hearts, as we explore such random garbage as: How stupid Loot Crate and its ilk are Collecting something you love is fine. Collecting it until your bank account is empty is...not fine Did you know that they made a Babylon 5 John Sheridan action figure? A lot of people like us are bringing their kids up with the original Star Wars, not the new trash fire being presented. What will Disney do in 5-10 years when they start demanding more Luke, Han and Leia? FYI; in the 90’s, there was no Star Wars. People like us kept it alive by slogging through games like Rebel Assault. You’re welcome Simpler times, when we were younger, and thoroughly enjoyed watching someone else play a video game like Dark Forces. While having to eat chips in the kitchen. Long story Please read the Expanded Universe Star Wars books. Please. If you are even remotely unsatisfied with where the new trilogy went, these books will cleanse your soul Us spending 10 minutes trying to justify the structure and content of our show
95 minutes | Jul 30, 2021
2010: A Textbook Example of How Not to Up a Sequel
Since the dawn of cinema, sequels have always been a dicey proposition. As the media is oft to tell us, fans are absolute monsters and barely register as human, and as such, can be fickle and unreasonable with how they receive follow-ups to their favourite properties. Some sequels meet even the most jaded fan expectations, and provide quality and worthy continuations of fantastic starts - think Winter Soldier, Terminator 2, and Wrath of Khan. In other cases, you get movies like Last Jedi, Speed 2, and Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights, all being served by Howard the Duck in a Miniskirt as he squats over your table and colon-dumps onto your plate. However, once in a long while, you get a sequel that not only manages to reach the level of expectation set upon it by demanding fans, but in many ways surpasses the original source material and becomes legendary in its own right. Empire Strikes Back is an obvious example of this, but in this episode, we get to talk about another absolute gem of sequel legend - 2010: The Year We Make Contact. Strap into your command chair and join Jay and Benny as we blast off into Jupiter orbit, and enjoy one of the best sequels in movie history. 2001 is a tough act to follow because of the whole...you know...absolute artistry and generation-defining storyline. However, 2010 inexplicably knocks it out of the park with a compelling follow-up to the events of the previous film, while adding incredible acting, solid storytelling, and themes of unity and camaraderie against all odds. 2010 is a rare gem in the world of sequels for an obvious yet often overlooked reason - it respects and honours the original material, using it as a springboard to continue a story that makes existing fans happy, while providing an accessible journey to new ones. We wish more studious would take note of this *cough Disney Star Wars cough*. Avoid staring directly at the monolith as we explore such topics as: With two minutes of computer mission review text, the viewer is perfectly brought up to speed on the events of the previous movie. If you never saw 2001, these two minutes would have you perfectly positioned to enjoy the movie. Why don’t more sequels do this? Russia and the US are close to an all out war, yet the scientist interactions between both nations are presented with the right amount of intrigue and cooperation. The growing friendship between the two nations’ crews is one of the best parts of this movie If you’re like Benny, and you have an abnormally strong dislike of women with pronounced chin dimples, you’re going to HATE Floyd’s wife Dave is a returning character, playing a pivotal role in story development. He is a beloved character that is treated with respect and dignity. Last Jedi is absolute garbage Enough good things cannot be said about the growing relationships between space crews. From Floyd’s fatherly comforting of a young Russian officer to John Lithgow’s buddy Max, the viewer is treated to enemies slowly becoming friends in a universe that doesn’t allow it Dear NASA: We get it. There’s clay on Mars. Awesome. How about you get around to launching a drill probe so we can all say hello to the sentient squid race under Europa’s icy crust? Pretty please?
82 minutes | Jul 22, 2021
Labyrinth: You Remind Us of the Babe
30 years ago, if you were to tell us that one of our favourite movies of all time would feature ridiculous looking puppets, a young woman struggling with the emotional burden of having to grow up, and a tarted up rock star complete with musical acts and dance sequences, we would have called you crazy and stomped off to play with our Transformers and Star Wars toys. 30 years later; 30 years of additional movies, TV shows, books and comics, video games and magazines, and still...very few things come close to the imagination, quality, and brilliance of Labyrinth. Very few properties conjure feelings of awe, excitement, and dread, while thoroughly entertaining and constantly making the audience think of underlying ideas and concepts, the way that Labyrinth does. We’ll be the first to admit - this movie isn’t for everyone. But we promise you that a more unique, creative and well-executed film you will have a difficult time finding. Travel into the Goblin King’s domain with us as we revisit a timeless classic we had almost forgotten about. If you’ve never seen Labyrinth before, grab your kids and snuggle in for a fun and charming journey, complete with humour, adorable characters, and a magical view of the struggles of growing up. If you’ve seen Labyrinth before, you can remind yourself of how incredible Jim Henson’s creations were, and how much this movie shaped your childhood - even if you didn’t think it did. Regardless, you will laugh, you will smile, and you will be entertained. No jokes or self-deprecating commentary in this episode write up; Labyrinth is awesome, and we love every bit of it. Saddle up Ambrosius and ride into battle with us as we talk about things like: Benny is a simple man. A very, shockingly simple man. As such, he absolutely didn’t put it together and realize that the entire story was about Sarah ‘s struggle to let go of childhood and grow up Sarah lives with her dad and stepmom, and her younger baby brother is a half brother. It’s a level of familial complexity we didn’t expect from a movie of the time There are some classic roles that make it almost impossible to imagine anyone else playing them; the Goblin King is one of them. David Bowie is fantastic, and everything about him is perfect for the role The amount of work he put into it, including showing up with complete scores, is a level of dedication no one was expecting. And based on his performance, you can tell he loved every second of it Yes, they’re Muppets. Yes, real humans acting alongside them makes this even more abundantly clear. And yes, they look incredible and suit the movie perfectly With the exception of one song (YOU know which one we’re talking about) the musical numbers are fun and whimsical Unbelievably, the character of Hoggle has a full character development arc, and is deeper and more sympathetic than most characters in movies we’ve reviewed to date (*cough* Remo *cough*) We are almost positive that Jim Henson made Ambrosius specifically for Benny
80 minutes | Jul 12, 2021
Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins and Ends - Thank Goodness
Is it an homage to classic 70’s kung-fu movies, complete with an old master teaching a young and impatient prodigy the mystic and ancient ways of combat? Perhaps it’s a tongue-in-cheek popcorn action movie, poking fun at itself while projecting chaotic and entertaining action sequences with reckless abandon? Or is it a poignant commentary on shadow organizations and the futility - and risks - of embracing an assassinate evil policy to address the world’s issues? Well, your guess is as good as ours, and we’re pretty sure the people who made this movie didn’t know either. Just like the pile of vomit Benny’s dog helpfully deposits on the one patch of carpeted floor in the house every week, Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins is a jumbled patty of everything mentioned here - vomit included. Hold on to Ferris wheels, steel pipes hanging off the side of the Statue of Liberty, and any other ridiculous object you can grasp as we try our best to understand what the hell is going on in this movie. We’re pretty sure Remo Williams was supposed to cash in on all of the crazy action movies tearing up the box office at the time, but fell victim to a combination of starring someone no one has ever heard of before (or after), and being absolutely bonkers-level insane. Seriously, we have no idea what happened in this thing, or why, or how. We just know that it was two hours of absolute insanity. And not good insanity, like a pile of puppies all fighting to give you kisses. We’re talking bad insanity, like when you drop napalm-quality farts in the car, and secretly lock the windows so you can revel in your family members crying, frantically fumbling with buttons, and dry heaving uncontrollably. Happy summer! If you can stomach it, strap in while Jay and Benny waste your time discussing such things as: Remo’s elderly Asian instructor wasn’t played by an Asian person. Let’s just get that out of the way Remo Williams won an actual, for real Oscar for makeup, because of the work done to make someone non-Asian look Asian. We’ll get that out of the way as well One final thing to get out of the way: Chiun is far and away the best character in this movie, and almost makes it worth the watch. Joel Grey’s acting is fantastic, the lines he delivers are well-timed, and he’s the most likeable person in this entire disaster While completely unintentional, this movie does a great job making the audience really think about the implications of assassination. Killing off the world’s worst people sounds great in theory, but is it? Remo’s training throughout the movie feels like it’s less martial arts, and more a mix of goofy parkour and kids on YouTube risking their lives for a few likes At one point, the bad guys pay three random construction workers $20 each to literally murder a human being. And they have absolutely no problem with this arrangement Remember in The Matrix, when Neo dodged bullets and it was the coolest thing you had ever seen? Well, Remo dodges bullets as well. It is absolutely not the coolest thing you have ever seen Someone get me the name of the dog trainer used in this movie, because the guard dogs that attack Remo are smarter than Benny. That isn’t saying much, but still Fred Ward, who played Remo, has a filmography with Tremors and Joe Dirt at the top of it. Just saying
87 minutes | Jul 1, 2021
Innerspace: Amazing Concept and Effects Filling in a Sandwich
Imagine inventing a technology that can shrink anything, like a manned submarine, to the point where it can exist within another living creature. Aside from the childlike wonder and excitement that would come from a new frontier of exploration, the implications to healthcare, biomechanics, civilian and military engineering, would be absolutely staggering. Hold that image in your heads, dear listeners. Now imagine collecting the contents of a neglected septic system, carelessly attaching it to an industrial pump, and absolutely dousing this magical technology with steaming, horrific no-no juice halfway through a demonstration. Welcome to Innerspace - a frontier that would have been awesome if most of the movie didn’t get in the way. Join us as we do our best to make it through a movie that is a fantastic concept and stunning special effects, supported by the shaky legs of a convoluted plot, poorly developed characters, and absolute wastes of actors we grew up loving. What started as a slightly light hearted heist/sci-fi journey into an unwitting human subject’s body inexplicably transformed into a shoddy slapstick, from Martin Short basically being Grimes to the main villains being literal ankle-gnawing gnomes. Toss in a shockingly unstable relationship that turns into a poorly conceived and unbelievable love story? At this point, why the hell not. If you can stomach it, stick yourself into syringe and inject yourself into this disappointment as we discuss such hard hitting subjects as: We cannot stress enough how dysfunctional the romance between Dennis Quaid and Meg Ryan is. A psychologist could make their career writing about it The primary baddie takes his queues from the Terminator, from his stiff robotic movements to his weapon appendages. He also loves killing people in a mall with a finger gun, so there’s that One of the redeeming qualities of this film are the sequences inside the body. The red blood cells, the arterial walls, and the submersible all look absolutely fantastic. It’s a shame they were wasted Innerspace shares something in common with Flight of the Navigator: Both films hit a sudden fork in the road, with one direction leading to a competent, coherent and entertaining movie, while the other direction leads to bonkers slapstick and visual garbage. And both films steered HARD to the bonkers side Martin Short, Andrea Martin and Joe Flaherty - SCTV alum all - combine in a scene and do absolutely nothing of value. It’s like buying a Ferrari and then parking it in a dark garage, never to see the light of day The Cowboy. This is a character that exists. What his purpose is, we cannot tell you Talk about a complete opposite; Tuck’s fight against the bad guy inside Martin Short is one of the best moments we have seen in a movie to date. Short and Ryan’s fight against ridiculous shrunken bad guys while driving a car just makes us feel sad One good thing came of this movie; Dennis Quaid and Meg Ryan fell in love and got married. Theirs is a legendary love, one that lasted throughout the age
88 minutes | Jun 17, 2021
Space Camp: It‘s Hard to Imagine that Worse Things Have Happened to NASA
Are you ready to blast off into outer space for a rip-roaring adventure that’s out of this galaxy? Setting your phasers to stun...ning acting and character development, resulting in roles you actually care about and are emotionally invested in? Initiating warp speed to get through every moment of a well-written and even better paced story with depth and memorable moments? Well, Return of the Jedi was three years earlier than whatever this abomination of a film is trying to be, so you might want to break out your trilogy DVDs, toss on that abandoned Chewbacca hoodie you left in your dog’s crate as a blanket, and cry yourself to sleep, because this ride is going to burn you up on reentry. This week’s movie is Space Camp. You probably don’t remember it, most likely because your mind has erased the memory to protect your fragile psyche. All of the ingredients of a solid movie are there - brilliant kids attending NASA space camp, a plucky robot sidekick, and a space walk to remember. But just like every meal that Benny tries to cook for his ungrateful family, the ingredients don’t work if you literally poop them onto a tray without any strategy or care. Honestly, we don’t even have the heart to write some elaborate description of this one. It just hurts. And to think...we always thought the Challenger incident was the worst look NASA could wear. Woof. Let’s all chant “don’t choose any more movies that only Jay watched” while we discuss such galactic topics as: Did you know that, before knocking it out of the park in roles like in The Joker and Gladiator, Joaquin Phoenix used to be a human child? And a garbage actor at that? The main characters of this movie might as well have been copied out of a cliché textbook; hot brainy chick, strong ambitious woman ready to learn humility, brilliant practical guy who is always second guessed, and carefree loner who has to learn how to be a leader. And by copy, we mean badly scribbled in crayon We both relate to the Rudy character...we all adore science, but don’t have the brains for it. That’s why Benny majored in ancient fart jokes for his undergrad. Student loans well spent! Little Phoenix thinks that the world is Star Wars and he’s Luke Skywalker. That is until the loner/leader rips his heart out and craps all over it The robot...we don’t have adequate words to express how annoying and bizarre the robot is. Equally baffling is the complete indifference all characters have to what amounts to sentient AI In order to get little Phoenix into space, the robot causes a space shuttle error during a test firing that only has “full and complete launch into outer space” as the solution. This sounds like a bit of a design flaw For all our complaining, some of the NASA scenes make us feel like giddy kids all over again. Seeing teams of scientists scramble to solve problems with cool and calm, right down to communication and reentry windows reminds us of just how incredible our journey into the stars has been Space Camp continues the baffling 80’s tradition of ending a movie with absolutely zero closure or coherence - simply some stock footage and an abrupt credit role
91 minutes | Jun 7, 2021
The Gate: When Unsettling Horror and Heartwarming Family Make a Film Baby
Normally, the terms “campy 80’s horror” and “heartwarming solid story telling” go together about as well as “Jay” and “healthy gastro-intestinal operation” or “Benny” and “underwear devoid of faint brown streaks”. However, this is one of those rare and beautiful exceptions to the rule, and also serves as a fantastic palate cleanser after we had to choke down the dry turd-nugget that was Buckaroo Banzai. The Gate is, quite honestly, one of the better light-horror movies you could hope to watch - an interesting idea, fantastic characters, and unsettling scenes mixed with some genuinely frightening moments result in a well paced, well acted and memorable film that succeeds in extolling the virtues of family and friendship as much as it promotes unease and fear. Join us as we jump into that symbolic hole in the ground and explore a movie that really had it all going for it. The story is simple and mildly cheesy, but that makes it easy to follow and light to digest. Solid casting gives you a family unit that actually feels and acts like a core group that cares deeply about one another. The special effects, while a bit...80’s...at times, are some of the best effects we have seen in a movie ever, let alone one from 35 years ago. Sure, it has its “what the hell” moments, but we enjoyed the heck out of it. If you’re eager for an 80’s scare flick without unnecessary gore, graphic nudity, or vapid and poorly written characters, The Gate will not disappoint you. Throw on your patch-covered football jacket and grab your ridiculously detailed death metal album as we dive headfirst into the gaping maw of hell to discuss things like: Before he was giving Blade a hard time as Deacon Frost, Stephen Dorff was an adorable kid cutting his teeth in movies like this. We always assumed he was just born as an early 20’s vampire Even if you refuse to watch this quality movie, please search Youtube for a short clip of the minions. We cannot stress enough how absolutely jaw dropping their design and effects are Benny loves dogs more than he loves his own kids. If you’re like Benny, you’re going to have a hard time with this movie. The family has a dog, and the dog definitely doesn’t experience a smooth ride to put it very mildly Forget Stranger Things; The Gate NAILS the 80’s look, from wardrobe to makeup and everything in between We know that vinyl is a thing again, but this movie really takes us back to when record albums were works of art, complete with exclusive photos and themed write-ups Whoever was responsible for casting deserves a shout out, at the very least. Dorff and his sister have some genuinely warm moments that give you pause and make you think that they are actually family First, Leviathan made us dry heave by putting a toothy mouth onto a hand. Now The Gate doubles down with an incredibly articulated eyeball in Dorff’s palm. Forget jump scares and decapitations - this is REAL horror The Gerry character is surprisingly deep and nuanced. His life is a mess, and is crushed under his circumstances in a way that makes the viewer sympathize for him as much as they do the main characters SERIOUSLY: LOOK UP A VIDEO OF THE MINIONS. We still can’t believe how incredible they look, and how spectacular they integrate into the movie
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