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We Will Never Be Happy.
65 minutes | Aug 14, 2020
Episode 13: Crotch Grab
Ben pays his two cents and rides a freaky all access comment thread tour of YouTube's dark underbelly and walks in the tight-fitting bathroom slippers of an unsung rogue historian journalist: Politically radical Henry dreams of someday sharing an ice cream cone on the San Diego boardwalk with Charley Marshmallow, while listening to the same Hüsker Dü song on shared AirPods, if all these goddamn fruit SKU number stickers don't kill him first: Toothless, forgetful, chowder-brained Magoo Biden selected Kamala Harris to plug the holes in his campaign and popularity; she also agreed to sneak Fig Newtons into his pockets and microwave the soon-to-president's evening Yankee Bean Soup: Plus, Disney Marvel's Unhinged is back, and it's #1 in the UK box office!
70 minutes | Aug 4, 2020
Episode 12: We Know Exactly How You Feel;)
Right wing anti-protesters aimed pistols at our brains and wasp killing poison in our eyes at a peaceful civil rights action outside the federal courthouse in downtown Eugene: Ben viciously attacks neighborhood Peter Jackson clone, who was totally asking for it: Also, which children's org is more deplorable -- homophobic, suburban pedophile ring the Boy Scouts of America, or is it the Raytheon-partner the Girl Scouts, who guilt-push palm seed oil Tagalongs on you?
79 minutes | Jul 21, 2020
Episode 11: I'm Aroused... but Everyone's Bloody
Eating candy corn with children: Ben's still not a fucking cop, c'mon you guys: Hank and Ben savor the dry, flavorless and unpleasant P3 experience, the official neverending protein atrocity of The UFC: Plus, 10 bonus minutes of the same beeping that's grating Hank's mind to dust.
56 minutes | Jul 14, 2020
Episode 10: Everything Beeps
Eugene civil rights leaders Black Unity endorse woke AF translucent Seattle ginger Macklemore and his up-its-own-ass rap treatise on himself and his own crucial 1980s hipster B-boy place in to the BLM movement in 2016's "White Privilege II": And Henry is seriously losing his fucking mind over the constant beeps and chirps of modern household appliances and the nearby ringing sound of fire-alarms: Henry also manages to forget Ben's prized P3s at home, postponing for one week the opportunity for listeners to bathe in the succulence of We Will Never Be Happy reviewing the spontaneous virgin P3 experience -- P3, the official triple protein facial of The UFC (Portable Protien Packs, "The more interesting way to get your protein. With a tasty and savory variety of meat, cheese, nuts, and fruit!"), endorsed by brain damaged lightweight gatekeeper Donald "Cowboy" Cerrone: Plus, governments local, state and federal are failing all the time and on every front!
62 minutes | Jul 7, 2020
Episode 9: I'm Not a Cop
Henry chooses Sunday afternoon pizza dough over showing up for racial justice, leaves Children's Protest an hour early and misses the moment an aggravated driver runs down Eugene Black Unity leader Isiah Wagoner: Spoiler Alert! Neckbeard fatboy losers who play video games are unhappy seeing two strong, complex female leads in one miserable post-apocalyptic anti-art vengeance opera The Last of Us 2, by Naughty Dog; which Henry played through and loved, by the way: Plus, failed actor Zac Efron, along with wellness expert Daren Olien, locate sex tourism tax dodge loophole in grifty new Netflix eco-travel docu-series Down to Earth.
42 minutes | Jun 30, 2020
Episode 8: Go Long!
The view from coward, do-nothing, phony Mayor Vinis' house: Ben deploys ancient deprogramming methods against imaginary Nascar cultist Republi-tards on a wild, boys only, three-day turkey joyride from Eugene to Pensacola: Trash parenting and toddlers who love leather daddies: Always presoak the business end of your (TM) Fleshlight for at least 20 minutes in warm petroleum jelly before a wild, boys-only, three-day turkey joyride: Plus, a little something extra for the Boomers.
51 minutes | Jun 23, 2020
Episode 7: Rock Diesel
Inbred, lowland, morlocks wageslaving at appalling corporate grocery house Albertsons have never even heard of candied ginger: Fumunculus billionaire JK Rowling repelos muggeltums with yet another unprovoked transphobia petronum: And happy days are here again, after funny girl Barbra Streisand (worth $400 million) makes murder victim George Floyd's grieving 6-year-old Gianna a Disney shareholder.
42 minutes | Jun 16, 2020
Episode 6: Resting Confused Face
Henry defends potentially racist filmmaker S. Craig Zahler amid unsurprising allegations his multi-millionaire Dallas-based enabler Adam Donaghey is infact a criminal movie industry pervert: Springfield, the best and brightest American city, certainly brings a lot of murder weapons to a civil rights march: How to binge watch your way through the latest "golden age" of Internet Entertainment Disorders: Plus, at a time when leadership in this country is lacking to a painful and embarrassing degree, The Rock produces his own stunning presidential moment.
49 minutes | Jun 9, 2020
Episode 5: Guessing Games
EPD threatens violence after curfew, outside the restricted zone. Plus, the weight of unhappiness is killing Gerard Butler, who disappoints again in Den of Thieves, Christian Gudegast's soft reboot sequel to Michael Mann's Heat, featuring Satellite Award-winning Val Kilmer (best supporting actor), who ruins everything he touches. Disappointment makes us people.
39 minutes | Jun 5, 2020
Episode 4: Pulled Pork
As Minneapolis police precincts burn to the ground, Hank revives American culture with the launch of Memorable But Not Honorable, a specialized music label that promotes lesser-known punk bands from around the world, presenting their glorious work on his second favorite format: the motherfucking cassette tape.
49 minutes | Jun 2, 2020
Episode 3: Oreo La Croix
AA baseball great Michael Jordan is uniquely positioned to coerce Nike founder "Uncle" Phil Knight to improve working conditions in hundreds of sweatshops around the world, where tiny fingers stitch and glue overpriced Air Jordan sneakers around the clock. And yet the retired sports superstar never utters a peep. Worth $2.1 billion, Chicago Bulls shooting guard #23 is an enemy to humankind.
48 minutes | May 26, 2020
Episode 2: Feeling Unhinged?
Feeling unhinged? You're not alone. That's why corporate ad executive vampires have begun weaponizing America's collective nervous breakdown against us. They hope you'll risk grandma's life July 1 in order to see hefty Russell Crowe in Unhinged on the big screen. Academy Award winner Crowe sweats impotent silverback rage from every pore as he terrorizes Oscar Pistorius's sister Caren for beeping her horn impolitely at his raised pick-up. We're all in this together.
46 minutes | May 20, 2020
Episode 1: Combing The Mustache
Episode 1, in which Nick Offerman and John Krasinski comb the mustache. The mustache combs Hugh Jackman. And Robert Downey Jr. both combs the mustache and instructs the mustache how to comb him.
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