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42 minutes | May 21, 2022
Episode 242: I Have an Oven Mitt, I Have a Spatula
It’s mid-May movie talk! Mary brings a list of movies she likes and the variety is astounding. Rant and Rave: Spicy food strikes again. Kelley has some walking around stories. Mary was impressed by a guy’s purchase at Goodwill. Greenhouse prank or earthquake? We steal another Colbert Question: What happens when you die. Mary would hate Coffin Flop, even though it’s so good (everyone watch I Think You Should Leave on Netflix!) Is not having a toaster like not having a purse? Kelley’s Hint List! Redo your awnings with awning paint. Use a seltzer bottle for a fire extinguisher. Steaming a velvet coat. Umpire Pants Out!
53 minutes | May 14, 2022
Episode 241: Big Dog Big Problems
Happy Mother’s Day to all who celebrate. It’s been cold, but spring is springing. Kelley was in Canada recently, enjoying their legal weed, and eating lots of dessert. Mary got a free room at a Casino and doesn’t understand how other people are spending so much gambling. Is astrology being more popular a bad omen? Kelley tried to pay for some tiny peppers recently and it was a whole thing. Purse thefts. Mary rates her cats and they’re not making the honor roll. We steal the Colbert Questions again. We get an air fryer update. Kelley’s Hint List! Set your thermostat to 70, not 75. Umpire Pants Hard Out!
46 minutes | May 6, 2022
Episode 240: There’s always the Lure of Dick’s
We’re back with Bill on the phone. Have you heard the limited edition episode, No. 238? Listen before we take it down. We talk about squirrels and raccoons and Kelley has to bring up an upsetting baby rabbit antidote for some reason. Bill tries to explain a vaporizer to Mary. We tell some stories of asshole geese. Mary went to the Smith Tower bar and recommends it but the elevator might be dicey. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Mariners Baseball and Claws the TV show. Shit List of the Week: Annoying Baseball Fans. Mary got a jury summons but it seem nothing came of it. Kelley’s Hint List! Adjusting the water heater temperature. Sharpen scissors by cutting sandpaper with them. Mending a wire screen. Umpire Ass Out!
61 minutes | Apr 29, 2022
Episode 139.1: Rerun Episode 192: We’ll Have to Destroy This Episode, so Nobody Finds Out Our Plan
Sorry for the re-run, folks! We'll be back soon with fresh new episodes, but enjoy this one from a year ago this week!
67 minutes | Apr 22, 2022
Episode 239: Mom Had to Go to the Doctor She Had the Willies So Bad
Was it a good idea to record at 11:30pm in a hotel room in Gresham, Oregon? No! Did we redeem ourselves by recording at 10:00am the next day? Not really! We’re recording on Easter, and generally have good holidays in our family. Shout out to our youngest listener, and a quick chat about kids books. We discuss our food choices over the weekend. Please visit WOOD VILLAGE BURRITO SHOP if you’re ever in the Troutdale area of Oregon. We have some new weed accessories. We have some GET OUT SPOILERS so skip ahead if you’re years behind like us. Ira Levin books and movies. What horror movies do we like? Vegetarian burgers and hot vegetarian food. Mary has beef with The Doughboys podcast, because the Veggie Grill mac and cheese is spicy. The insane housing market. What the hell - Mary buys water now? Umpire Pants Out! And Umpire Pants back in, baby! Stay tuned for the last 20 minutes where we get super sloppy. Another review of Get Out? Should Mary and Bill start a movie podcast? We do one hint from Kelley’s Hint List then end this shit-show. Umpire Pants Out!
50 minutes | Apr 15, 2022
Episode 238: It’s Exciting Times in Toaster Town
We’re not sure what the DJ truck is all about, but it’s back and we love it. Bill’s an old man yelling at guys in parking lots. Rock tumbling update. Kelley’s bad a domestic stuff, but she found some sunglasses that can stand up to her funny business. You can watch full Letterman eps on Youtube. Mary claims she invented roasted asparagus. We have a bit of PeeWee Herman talk. We’re right on time talking about The Slap. Mary watched Cruella for the costumes after the Oscars. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Summer of Soul and Top of the Lake. We answer some of the Colbert questions, and shockingly, Bill and Mary pick the same favorite sandwich. Mary made paper with seeds in it! Bill has a parking cone and he’s prepared to use it. Everyone read about the Sankebetsu Brown Bear Incident. Mary describes a Trailer Park Boys episode, but you should just watch it. Kelley’s Hint List! Tin utensil tips. Don’t shake your toaster too much. Get cream out of clothes with the usual methods. Mary recounts a childhood memory of breaking into a found briefcase with neighborhood kids. Umpire Pants Out!
46 minutes | Apr 12, 2022
Episode 237: Bingo Bilbo
We’re in person again! But Bill is grumpy because there was no parking in Seattle. We explain what a bell-end is to our mom, using hand drawn pictures. Mary has a foot injury and a dubious home remedy. Mary is furious at another server. Bill’s gout corner. Nextdoor update and unfounded fear. Kelley had an offseason Seafair Pirate sighting. We contemplate the 24 Hours of Lemons race. Kelley steals Mary’s segment: Reviews of Cooking Recipes! Kelley’s Hint List Tips for oiling your piano. Nail paper to your window screens before storing them for winter. Use old net curtains to make scrubbing clothes for dishwashing. We have a DJ Truck Sighting during our recording! Why can’t Bill open coffee bags? Umpire Pants Out!
45 minutes | Apr 1, 2022
Episode 236: I Don’t Let Furnace Guys Touch my Furnace
Episode 236: I Don’t Let Furnace Guys Touch my Furnace by Umpire Pants
41 minutes | Mar 25, 2022
Episode 235: Kelley’s Gonna Use the Hotdog Method on ‘Em
Bill’s calling in from the Podcast Shed, but he’s fresh of a Sparks show and feeling good. Kelley and Mary are about to go to Jackie Kashian at the Crocodile. The podcast gets interrupted by a mouse, so Kelley disappears for a minute, but what an opportunity to tell some mouse stories! Rant and Rave – Can we guess the one Mary wrote? As always, yes we can. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Tulips! Rest in Peace to local Seattle sports broadcasting great John Clayton. The Seattle Aquarium is The Bomb, according to Mary. Should we got to the Maldives? What about Malta? We do three more questions from a Reader’s Digest quiz. Kelley’s Hint List! The first one was about boilers or something. Use alum to mend broken dishes. Umpire Pants Out!
34 minutes | Mar 19, 2022
Episdoe 234: Douglas the Squirrel is Being Bad Boy?
We’re off to a great start, with no sound check, but we’re all together! Mary and Bill went to Nate Bargatze at the Moore, and it was great, but the crowd was a bit belligerent. Mary has a dead mouse situation. Bill has a theory that no one is very smart. We have a roundabout conversation about Cheaper by the Dozen and do a Reader’s Digest quiz. Kelley’s Hint List! Eliminate colored bulbs for energy savings. Hang pants by the cuffs to remove wrinkles. Choose proper material for draperies. Umpire Pants Out!
31 minutes | Mar 12, 2022
Epidose 233: Does It Sound like a Human Did This?
Kelley and Mary are on a girl’s trip, and we have Bill on the phone! We reminisce about Mary breaking her collarbone last time she visited Orcas Island. Mary wants recordings of her favorite farts, or something? Bill is a little further into the Avengers, and he can’t even commit to finishing, unless they change the animation style to “Roger Rabbit.” The trend of dark movies and shows. Does Mary ever get sick? We don’t know, but she does get stuck in an elevator! Kelley’s Hint List! Use traction tricks to get your car unstuck. Prevent battery corrosion with Vaseline. Wax your table and chair legs when you do your floors. Umpire Pants Out!
28 minutes | Mar 7, 2022
Episode 232: Who's on First Special!
Sorry for the super late release, this week, folks! But we have a super special show for you, the long awaited Who's on First episode! Bill and Kelley try reading the bit made famous by Abbott and Costello. Then Kelley and Mary give it a go, and pull an amazing mid-script switcharoo! Enjoy! Umpire Pants Out!
43 minutes | Feb 26, 2022
Episode 231: Who Does Bubo Belong?
We’re live in person, and using Bill’s creaky table! We recap our Super Bowl party. Has the Random Restaurant bot Twitter account make you want to visit anywhere? What do Recycle Bitch and Sugar Tits have in common? Bill watched Bullitt. Max gets antsy so we take an early break. The French Connection also has a car chase scene. Mary’s mad at a podcast she hasn’t even listened to you yet. Are we going to have to spend the night in a haunted house? We’re doing Who’s on First next week. Clash of the Titans. Kelley’s Hint List. Close the blinds to control temps. Make a duvet for your blankets. Keeps brakes adjusted to preserve tires. How did Mary hurt her ankles making jewelry? Umpire Pants Out!
48 minutes | Feb 18, 2022
Episode 230: Nobody Likes Magic or Everybody Likes Magic
We recorded this before the Superbowl, but Bill’s prediction that Kelley didn’t understand was dead on. Update on Douglas, the Squirrel. What do the movies Never Cry Wolf and Doc Hollywood have in common? Who remembers Dudley Moore? Mary has a controversial Rant and Rave printed in the paper. Mary’s Red Robin penny scheme. Finding lost objects. Should our family invent a birthday song? Kelley’s Hint List! Smush your old gross soap together! We discuss why we were all so impacted by the Irish Spring commercial. Mad Magazine. Kettle hints. Umpire Pants Out!
59 minutes | Feb 10, 2022
229.1: RERUN ALERT - Episode 179: I Got to Go for A Ride, Like a Dog
YOU GUYS, WE ARE STILL DOING THE PODCAST, WE'RE JUST STRUGGLING THROUGH FEBRUARY. WE'LL SEE YOU SOON BECAUSE WE LOVE OUR NUTBALLS!!! XOXO KELLEY AND THE GANG The rock tumbler update you’ve all been waiting for! Cutting our own hair during the pandemic. Bill had the ultimate bad start to the day. We brag about our state’s legal weed, again, and try to get a sponsorship going. Making an everyday activity your hobby. We get an impressive stair update! Guess what celebrities has Mary been compared to? Motivational speakers and cults. Kelley remembers a poor solution to a 6th grade problem. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Rock Auto and their helpful website & The Bob Newhart Show. We return to the topic of Mary cutting sandwiches, and then talk ban mi (Pho 25 on 3rd Ave in Seattle is the place with good Vietnamese tofu sandwiches). Recipes from First Graders! Umpire Pants Out!
34 minutes | Feb 4, 2022
Episode 229: Okay, Nutballs are Acceptable
Bill is gone, Mary is hungry and hung-over, and I’m not going to lie, this one is a shit show. Felix is here, though! Mary went out howling last night, even though she’s doing dry January. We get back on track with Rant and Raves. There is playoff football on, so Mary is distracted. School update from Felix. Ramen talk. Mary has a message just for Christy! Listen up! Kelley’s Hint List! How to revive a velvet gown. Use an old blanket to protect linoleum from your appliances. Don’t use oil over wax on your floors. How to care for your mattress (take it outside once a week!). We do a Reviews of Cooking Recipes out of order, Mug Cake edition. Umpire Pants Out!
31 minutes | Jan 28, 2022
Episode 228: Latex Balloons, No Shit
It’s a Mary and Kelley Ep, because Bill has COVID-19. Sorry about that, but we’ll be back on track someday. Not next week, though, Bill is out again then, but seriously, someday! The delight of a sunny day in the middle of a rainy January. Mary is taking a new jewelry class, and, not to brag, she hasn’t even glued her fingers together yet! We try to talk about Meatloaf, the singer, but we don’t have a lot to say, since we’re not fans. We remember Louis Anderson. Mary has a rubber balloon update. We get indignant about Poutine for a minute, but it’s because of Mary’s Recipe Review! Kelley has a manager’s response to a review. Mary complains about check writer. Kelley’s Hint List! Don’t yank on your sheets too much. Remove soot from baffles. Umpire Pants Out! (RIP Louis Anderson, clip from 2016 AOL Build Interview)
31 minutes | Jan 21, 2022
Episode 228: Murdered by the Ice and Snow
I explain why this is being released late (but not why it’s still a day late, give me a break). Pandemic isn’t going great, folks, and Covid-19 has finally hit our family. Weather report: bong breaking cold. We wonder why you’d do yoga outside this time of year. We share dumb things we wrote down this week, brighter lights, jack in the boxes, and connecting the dots on detective shows. Cool dudes standing up for cancelled men. The High and Mighty podcast gave Kelley a good dumpling idea. Kelley’s Hint List! Have your glazier cut your broken mirror up. Don’t skid your tires excessively. Using cheese cloth to remove stains. Umpire Pants Out!
36 minutes | Jan 11, 2022
Episode 227: You’re Confusing Your Dumbshit Kids
***I found the SD card! Yes, me, Kelley, not my husband at all, it was me! Enjoy this now outdated episode, everyone.*** It’s episode 227 and we’re hoping you fondly remember the TV show, and it rubs off on our podcast. Bill is making fondue for New Year’s, but he’s resisting the idea of adding baked beans for some reason. Mary assumes we know what a corm is, and boy is she wrong. Mary loves to make wrapping paper, and to get mad at us for not appreciating it. Rest in peace to Betty White. (We put a clip from Lake Street Dive’s cover of the Golden Girl’s Theme song in this ep, check out the whole song, and their other stuff! @lakestreetdive on twitter). Kelley’s Hint List! Using urea for plants, and drying your brushes. Umpire Pants Out!
62 minutes | Jan 5, 2022
Episode 226.1 Rerun AlerT (Episode 174: I’m With Bugs)
HEY SO I LOST THE SD CARD THIS WEEK'S EP IS SAVED ON. I'M CONVINCED IT'S IN MY APARTMENT STILL, BUT I'M ALREADY A DAY LATE POSTING, SO ENJOY THIS RETRO EPISODE FROM ABOUT A YEAR AGO. XOXO - KELLEY The first day of winter was a doozy in the Seattle area. We remember a weird antique store with a creepy doll room. Getting lost driving. Mary is going to try Dry January. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: The John Carpenter Movie They Live. Mary is setting up a hummingbird fight club, and thinks cats will burn to death if you don’t prevent it. King of the Dudes! Mary got a Rant and Rave published in the Seattle Times! Improperly fitted masks in the NFL. Which side is your appendix on, Bill?! What about your gizzard? Recipes from First Graders. Macaroons, Banana Split. Mary’s parking ticket saga. Kelley’s Hint List! Turn off lights to save money. Wax your car’s chassis. Turn on faucets before buying a house. Umpire Pants Out!
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