64 minutes | Apr 19, 2021

78. Uvula Hadouken

Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! Lords: Laura https://twitter.com/lmichet Brendon https://twitter.com/BlendoGames April https://twitter.com/aprilsaur Topics: If you were locked in a Home Depot overnight with 19 other people and you wouldn’t be let out until only one person survived, and also all the lights were turned off, what would you do? What's up with teeth. They seem designed to be tedious to brush and floss and maintain. Is this really the best version of mandible? Help me workshop this joke: Eve/eave Chickens turn into crocodiles https://youtu.be/vTic1y37ueY https://youtu.be/zQOkwoUPNgQ If you make an IRL Westworld theme park, how do you prevent having two dozen people on the same quest to have a showdown duel with the bad guy. Do you just have 24 people draw their gun and shoot the bad guy at the same time? Or is this even a problem in the first place? New skills learned during the pandemic--what skills have you learned? Was it worth it? Microtopics: The Skin Deep Beacon. The voice of maintenance. Reviewing the bucket. Confronting the darkness within yourself at Home Depot. Murdering your competitors on a soft pile of dog beds. A chainsaw's efficacy as a murder weapon. Tying a chainsaw to the top of your head to foil air assassinations. Hot dog beds. The bow rack at Home Depot that holds three bows with four arrows each so you can fire twelve arrows at once. Trying to opt out of the Battle Royale. Using night vision binoculars to observe the burglar from across your bedroom. Buying a varmint-proof AT-AT in the hunting aisle of Home Depot. Pushing the shelves over like dominos and killing all your Home Depot Battle Royale competitors at once. A very specific thing that happens in shonen. Being spirited away to this Home Depot with no warning. Not having night vision googled so you superglue these night vision binoculars to your face. The people horrible enough to survive the Home Depot murder game. A Chippendale dancer removing their tearaway pants revealing their pants gun and killing everyone in the room. Hitman always introducing himself using the same pseudonym, xXx_69_KillerMan. The necessity of inventing pulling teeth. Instead of having teeth, having a single non-sectional chomper that grows continuously like a goat horn. A human's astounding ability to only occasionally bite their own cheeks and tongue. Instead of having to chew, your uvula throws a hadouken, incinerating the food. Instead of chewing, simply increasing the pressure in your mouth until the food becomes a diamond. How Neanderthals all had perfectly straight teeth like a pop star. Humans evolving smaller heads so they could fit through the neck of a t-shirt. The first humans in history to regularly eat refined sugars. The advantages of rotating your jaw 90 degrees. Finding a partner whose nose is oriented opposite yours, so instead of tilting your face to kiss, you just breathe back and forth forever. How humans would eat soup and sandwiches if their mouth orientation changed. Why eaves exist. Lowering energy bills using your cat. A very sharp quadruped. Figuring out how to make fun of a cat. Misspelling your cat's name as "Eave" when the census taker comes around and your property taxes go up by millions of dollars. Four chickens covered in colored vinyl. Chickens walking into a jello mold. An algorithmically created video for children. Every permutation of every animal walking through every liquid and turning into every other animal. The fashion trajectory of the designer of Super Monkey Ball. Walking through the fountain portal and losing one of your beards. Coolest video I ever seen: Adult. Spanish Cat in the Sky. More of the same, but this time there's a cat saying it. The black hat cowboy wearing an additional bulletproof vest for every member of your assassination party. Making sure there's only one serial killer at a time in your theme park. Teaming up to hug this enormous mechanical cowboy. The MMO version of David Fincher's The Game where twenty people show up on the rooftop at once so they have to take turns accidentally shooting their brother, having an emotional breakdown, and jumping off the roof to find their personal banquet. Going to a series of weird interactive theater events after you move to LA. Being diverted into a room where you swing in a wicker basket hanging from the ceiling. Paying $30 for a bunch of weird people to wave their fingers at you and draw on you with a sharpie and lock you in a freight elevator. Employing both kinds of maze construction materials: bedsheets and garbage bags. Sleep No More. Wanting to get into a hobby but not being sure how to learn to love the actual process of performing the hobby. Access to a wider variety of flavors in your life. Making Ants on a Log with Thai peanut sauce. Getting children to eat celery by making it unhealthy. Getting the quick dopamine hit of the early stages of learning a hobby, then quitting. Taking screenshots of a web site and reading the screenshots so the web site can't pop up any more ads. Just who is responsible for the state of web media. Scrolling past twelve life stories to figure out how to make dinner. Writing an angry letter to a corporation and getting a response from a minimum wage employee whose entire job is doing emotional labor to assuage angry customers. Not knowing how to advance in an adventure game and writing to the developers to tell them their game is broken. Goading game developers into revealing their puzzle solutions rather than calling the hint line. Support Topic Lords
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