63 minutes | Mar 22, 2021

74. The Beef Bar

Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! Lords: Avery might be on Spotify! https://averyburke.bandcamp.com/releases Stevie is at @hryx on Twitter, and hryx.net Topics: In my home town of San Jose, CA there is a Statue of the serpent god Quetzalcoatl. It looks like a large piece of perfectly formed dog poop. Everyone calls it "the poop snake." Let's talk about bad public art. Some paleontologists think that T-Rex used its tiny arms to help it get up after sleeping. I wish I had a pair of tiny arms to help me get up after sleeping. Doom 1.0's proto-VR mode John asks "Philosophical questions and concepts you independently discovered as a child regardless of how well-equipped you may or may not have been to explore them in depth." https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Convolution_reverb Microtopics: Putting your album on Spotify. Demanding your barista debate you and call him a coward. Reading about the philosopher who owns a coffee shop and debating them about ancient Roman tax codes for hours without buying anything. Going into a coffee shop just to prove a point. The hypothesis that the worse someone is at reading, the better they are at hearing and pronunciation. Inventing a time machine so you can be in the San Jose town square when the sculptor uncovers the obsidian poop snake. A statue of a ragdoll in a running pose with a realistic baby face superimposed on its stomach. A bust of Jesus made out of marshmallow Peeps. Trying to depict a half moon in 3D and ending up with a toenail clipping. The Pumpkin Fucker. A statue of a man being hit in the head with a bottle thrown by a babies flying biplanes. The statue at the border of Berkeley and Oakland they put there to remind everybody that Berkeley is us and Oakland is them. Being halfway through the Museum of Severed Body Parts when you decide you've had enough. The Dunning Kruger effect turning out to be fake. A strange way to find out that you have to stop being smug in this particular way. A T-rex curled up like a kitten. A T-rex sleeping hanging upside down like a bat. Dino Riders. Getting your wish for an extra pair of arms to help you get out of bed at night, but not being sure where to install them. The purpose of Grimace's second set of arms. Hiring a large unhappy looking purple guy to be your chain restaurant spokesperson. Hearing that the t-rex used his tiny arms to get up after sleeping and stealing t-rex arms from the local Natural History museum so you can use them to get out of bed. Deciding not move to the countryside and not heist any more after reading that paleontologists no longer think the t-rex uses its arms to get up from sleeping. The movie ending when the protagonists decide to cancel the movie's production. A topic you didn't write down. A reference to the lord because he's the lord. The Keck Cave. Some people paying thousands of dollars for a VR setup when these lab mice get it for free. Going to a mall in the early 90s and putting on a terrible VR headset that's guaranteed to make you throw up or your money back. The two independent promises of early 90s VR, one of which came to fruition decades ago. Connecting three monitors over an ipecac network. Accidentally saturating the network with packets so that nobody else can use it. A networked video game interpreting any incoming packets as a new game state regardless of their provenance. VR coming to prominence in the 90s after the Garbage Pail Kids made puking mainstream. The R-Zone. A VR setup that only shows images to one eye. The R-Zone chip tune rendition of the Daytona USA theme. Writing a program to convert MIDI music into a monophonic square wave and just accepting its output as the best possible result. Asking your parents for Marble Madness and they buy you the Tiger Electronics version of Marble Madness. A d-pad dressed up to look like a trackball, to fool your mom. Well-designed games that fit within the constraints of the medium. A Game and Watch game revealing its final boss by unlocking the hinge that lets you fold the LCD screen together like a Mad Fold-In. Barcode Battler. A slot to swipe cards. Trying to find the best barcode to swipe to create the swolest Barcode Battler. Doctoring barcodes with a sharpie by making the Beef Bar thicker. Learning to read barcodes by sight. Bleeping out a story with the R-Zone Daytona USA theme if it turns out you've already heard the story before. Convincing a barista to sign up for your Bitcoin wallet software so you can pay for your coffee in Bitcoin. Putting up QR codes of your coffee shop's menu all around the city so curious people can scan your QR code and be like "oh, luckily I was looking for a coffee shop, I wonder if this one is nearby." Tattooing a QR code of your coffee menu on your arm. Inventing the philosophical concept of the toothbrush and thinking "nah, that'd never work." Staring at the bathroom tiles while you invent the Pythagorean Theorem. Independently inventing the philosophical concept of Alf. Alf's real name in the Alf lore. Seeing Alf mourn the destruction of his home planet and realizing that one day everyone you know will die. A real rip-the-bandaid-off approach to introducing the concept of mortality. Alf Clausen, the composer of the ALF theme song. Support Topic Lords
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