63 minutes | Sep 4, 2017
#44 - The Birthday Gift, Etc. Episode
CJ whines about treatment on an ailing hockey shoulder as men's beer league summer playoffs arrive; a review of CJ and Helen's birthday gifts to one another, and the marital tradition of birthday romance; the transition from friendships to relationships and vice-versa; a spirited debate over the Mayweather / McGregor championship fight and the memory of the Burger King Man in Mayweather's entourage; trying a new grocery pickup service ends in unmitigated disaster and an invitation to take a customer survey; the computerization of society is making service people obsolete; social media "breaks" and "revenge abs"; another discussion of passive - aggressive female fighting via Facebook; a visit to Pier One is second-guessed; Helen goes on a Game of Thrones rant which ends with a very painful discussion of the dangers of swimming in the Amazon; The News of the Week, and the Birthday Edition of Can You Translate CJ's Greek?
78 minutes | Aug 24, 2017
#43 - The Dentist & Tatoo Artist Episode
CJ & Helen dread their upcoming birthdays; CJ's week starts with an ordeal at the dentist's office, and ends with an eye-opening visit to a Tatoo Parlor; other peoples' kids invade the tranquility of CJ's home life; the glory of back-to-school time; CJ & Helen compare first kiss stories; CJ admits to liking 90 Day Fiance' on TLC, and CJ and Helen run down the show's cast members; CJ can't box and play hockey on consecutive days anymore; Helen stands on the precipice of 40; the Miscellaneous items List includes Powerball, marital property, Helen's fear of the HVAC controls, birthday gift anxiety, and filling out school forms; CJ's fascination with straight razors; buying fish at a diner; The Weird News of the Week includes road pizza, million dollar bills, the Eclipse, and a fried rat; Listener Emails.
64 minutes | Aug 6, 2017
#42 - The Summer Barbecue Episode
CJ and Helen do a de-brief of the weekend barbecue they hosted; CJ's parents love Helen a little too much, CJ thinks; CJ's iPod song list is exposed during a workout on the heavy bag; the Greek equation of love and food; CJ rants about HVAC and freezer issues in the wake of big storms; the need for air conditioning in Oregon is debated; a birthday gift embargo is proposed by CJ and voted down by Helen; Helen breaks down inappropriate guest behavior at social gatherings; Helen hates how CJ can't relax on weekends; interior design is an overpriced racket; CJ sends an extremely uncomfortable auto-corrected text to a contractor; The Argument of the Week again takes aim at Helen's Facebook posting habits; The PACP News including a gun-toting bride; and listener emails.
68 minutes | Aug 2, 2017
#41 - The Oversharing On Facebook Episode
The dog days of Summer have arrived; Helen reprimands a tardy teen; CJ and Helen talk about the hot weather like elderly people; a squirrel update; CJ dreads hosting an upcoming Summer barbecue; 5 Things You Didn't Know About CJ and Helen; CJ's Weekend To Do List system is examined; CJ's sleep trouble continues; The Argument of the Week - Oversharing on Facebook; CJ complains about Helen and her bread-baking spree; the news this week includes naked bank robbers, snakes biting faces, and burning Ferraris; CJ takes some men's league hockey penalty minutes; and listener emails include ex boyfriends, drunk wedding goers, and Speedos.
73 minutes | Jul 24, 2017
#40 - The CJ Considers Hockey Retirement Episode
CJ and Helen come back from dinner and CJ seeks sympathy for a lumberjacking mishap; CJ ponders retiring from men's league hockey; Helen's green thumb gets on CJ's nerves, and she threatens elder abuse in return; CJ tries to befriend a backyard squirrel; the runaround from doctors and drug stores while trying to fill a prescription; CJ recounts a terrifying hot air balloon ride with Captain Don; Helen takes a page from CJ's book to list things that piss her off which morphs into a list of how CJ pisses her off; more Craig's List Personals and Missed Connections; Bizarre News of the Week; and Listener Emails.
64 minutes | Jul 17, 2017
#39 - The CJ Visits Mom & Dad Episode
Travel with CJ and Helen to CJ's boyhood home to spend some time with his mom and dad; an update on the new house, and the PACP podcast studios; the mystery of Western U.S. Crop Circles is solved; this season of Game of Thrones is previewed by Helen, and ridiculed by CJ, and Helen takes a Game of Thrones Quick Quiz; Helen tackles the pitfalls, annoyances, and affronts encountered in online dating, and confirms that most men are pigs; CJ & Helen recount their first phone call and CJ's panic at the suggestion face-timing; family fights in the news this week; and Fake Listener Emails including notes from Helen's old boyfriends, Greece, and a review of the utility of chopsticks.
57 minutes | Jul 11, 2017
#38 - The CJ Fights Ice Maker Episode
Helen and CJ sit down late this week, and review an epic altercation between CJ and the kitchen ice maker; CJ hangs a heavy bag in the garage and is emasculated by a Home Depot dude; Comet the Dog hates fireworks to the point of Prozac; CJ went to a Van Halen concert in college -- Helen was 4; CJ tells Millenials that exercise and most of life is, in fact, not super fun and not immediately gratifying; a plea for fewer Summer bathing suit selfies; CJ's insomnia is examined; some strange news about fireworks, alarm clocks in walls, monkeys, deer poop, and an 11 year old driver; July's Can You Translate CJ's Greek?; and Fake Listener Emails.
58 minutes | Jul 2, 2017
#37 - The Fourth of July Episode
Helen & CJ recount last year's Fourth of July horror; a debate about whether or not fireworks suck; summer barbecue season and all that is wrong with it; this week's new house update includes lots and lots of estimates and invoices; swimming pool dreams; a vigorous debate on the merits of housewarming events; CJ thanks the new neighbors for leaving him alone; CJ's root canal ordeal and a thousand dollar bill; Helen's after-dinner Greek Grandpa toothpick routine; an article on how to "re-set" a sad wife is contemplated; CJ waits at home while Helen's on call; this week's gripe list includes cotton candy and forced self-checkout; Helen reads more Missed Connections from Craig's List; and a couple of bizarre news stories.
62 minutes | Jun 25, 2017
#36 - The Just Moved In To The New House Episode
CJ & Helen inaugurate the new PACP studios; how the move into the new house is going; Helen celebrates the Penguins' second consecutive Stanley Cup; the new house gives CJ opportunities to practice the manly arts including shelf-building, splitting firewood, and curing bed-divots; owning a home is for suckers; stuff CJ's dad says; Bill Cosby & Tiger Woods; Helen's brother visits from Arizona; should CJ buy a chainsaw? The kids remain stationary despite the move; changing light bulbs thirty feet in the air; a trip with CJ outside the studio to play golf and take Helen about town; oddities including violent landscaping, courthouse urine; and a $100 million water bill.
68 minutes | May 29, 2017
#35 - The Moving Day Gets Closer Episode
Moving day draws near for CJ & Helen; Memorial Day, calendars, and the space-time continuum; disarray, moving - related stress, and Helen's Tupperware explosion; more complaints about Millenials, books are heavy; the Zen of moving; telephone customer service rep quizzes; the challenge of tourism in India; CJ's futile attempts to jinx the Penguins; the insane amount of paperwork required to get a mortgage; CJ sucks at shopping for appliances; another fabulous bathroom story; a hug from a retiring doctor sends CJ into exploration of his battle with intimacy; an assault on Wedding Receptions and the Electric Slide; some bizarre news stories; studenthood vs. parenthood; Greek superstitions; and another edition of Can You Translate CJ's Greek?
59 minutes | May 21, 2017
#34 - The Vacation Cruise Episode
CJ and Helen return from vacation in the Caribbean to the sobering reality of moving; an argument on the meaning of "a lot of drinking" on vacation; walking 20 miles of Caribbean islands in 5 days, and CJ's pleas for mercy; a review of swimming pool etiquette, including making out, sharkskin thongs, and back hair; Pena Coladas and pedicures; formal nights, kilts and fake medals, taking a "Trumpcation"; more air travel horror stories including airplane bathrooms and airport attire; ruining a 3 year old with a trip to Disney World; CJ works in a Greek goat joke (again); this year's running of the Preakness Stakes evokes a memory of Helen ruining last year's race; a Stanley Cup playoff bracket update; CJ tries to jinx the Penguins on the air; Quiz Time: Real or Fake; and a dude sues a girl over a bad date.
61 minutes | May 2, 2017
#33 - The First Anniversary Show
CJ and Helen celebrate their first wedding anniversary; Helen misfires a "love you" text; CJ gives Helen an anniversary gift on the air; the extortional prices of greeting cards in America; a behind-the-scenes look at PACP show production and Helen's potty-mouth; the keys to marital success examined; CJ and Helen buy a roofless house; CJ's less pompous office chair; Easter trips; CJ asks whether dogs miss owners when they are hanging at the kennel; Helen's toothache dream; The PACP News Brief; a Richard Simmons update; Presidential Tweets of the Week; an update on CJ vs. Helen and their Stanley Cup Playoff brackets; CJ imitates Helen on the phone to Greece; and Helen's soon to be famous Craig's List Missed Connections.
58 minutes | Apr 15, 2017
The Happy Easter, Passover & Stanley Cup Preview Episode
CJ wishes everyone a Happy Easter and Happy Passover, and begrudgingly tells his Mom he's coming to visit; Helen and CJ discuss airline savagery, Domino's Pizzas, and the bygone era of luxury air travel; Helen cooks way too much for Easter; the fear and trembling caused by only eight guys showing up at the rink to play pickup hockey; The Annual PACP Stanley Cup Playoff Preview; The PACP News Brief; Helen gives CJ a telescope for their first anniversary; double-barreled Seinfeld goodness; and the PACP Presidential Tweet of the Week.
75 minutes | Apr 8, 2017
#31 - The Spring Has Sprung Episode
CJ and Helen celebrate Spring and the sale of their house; Helen talks into the correct side of the mic; CJ asks if Greece has electricity and wonders if he can travel there safely; the search for a Stanley Cup Playoff team to root for; the Easter Bunny is creepy; Helen talks baseball and the Stanley Cup Playoffs; hockey goalies explained; English Premiere League Soccer and the best soccer names; CJ's fear of first floor master bedrooms, and hatred for open concept floor plans; CJ lets Vicious and Malicious out for a walk in the studio; the case against anniversary gifts; Mark Cuban on Donald Trump; Helen joins CJ on their ketogenic diet adventure; food fantasies; Helen needlepoints a Sugar Skull; daughters and stepmothers examined; RIP Don Rickles; The PACP News Brief; Helen's mega-zit; April Fools Pranks gone awry.
56 minutes | Apr 1, 2017
#30 - The Recuperation, Aging & Screaming Episode
Helen returns from surgery and follows up The Hospital Episode; CJ fears he is beset with a host of illnesses and injuries, skates for the first time in six weeks, and tries to avoid re-injury and younger, faster skaters; Helen breaks out the needlepoint gear and freaks CJ out; the first wedding anniversary approaches; CJ has a Trump addiction; Helen wanders through the Trump Administration and tries to find Sean Spicer a ficticious date; a look at aging as CJ admits to watching chairlift commercials; Kids' segment including Brynn objecting to taxation, staying out too late, and Alex missing the bus, a lot; Helen exposes the torture of parental homework portals, the madness and multitudinal nature of computer passwords; The PACP News Brief; Can You Translate CJ's Greek? and Helen's sleep-screaming.
60 minutes | Mar 26, 2017
#29 - The Hospital Episode
Helen recovers from surgery; CJ wishes Brynn a happy 21st birthday and fantasizes about using grandchildren as tools of turnabout against his own children; CJ rants about Harrison Ford's pilot's license, Donald Trump and The Hindenburg, Helen's hospital stay, spouses of surgical patients, nurse humor, modern hospital design, surgical waiting rooms, old ladies and their flip phones, medical technology, Helen in the recovery room, Helen's tumble after coming home; The PACP News Brief; and Brynn and Helen dig trenches on the family lawn.
60 minutes | Mar 18, 2017
#28 - The March Madness & Apathy Episode
Helen finally returns from the nail salon; CJ and Helen admit lack of interest in NCAA basketball tournament brackets, and CJ lectures on the mathematics of inevitable bracket failure, an empirical analysis of apathy, chatty UPS men, owners' manuals for sneakers, dogs wreaking havoc in the studio, winter storm Stella and Mother Nature, ketogenic diet rage, a St. Patrick's Day history lesson and robust Lenten debate, another Trump segment, Helen's absence from PACP production meetings, The PACP News Brief, and another relationship quiz.
58 minutes | Mar 11, 2017
#27 - The Relationship Expert Episode
CJ and Helen discuss podcast volume disputes, daylight savings time, text message dictation mishaps, obesity, sex and junk food in the headlines, CJ's ketogenic diet and accompanying malaise; relationship expert Dr. Jake Thiessen jumps in to discuss marriage, men, women, kissing, and other cool stuff; The PACP News Brief, the mystery of Greek yodeling is solved, and Can You Translate CJ's Greek?
49 minutes | Mar 4, 2017
#26 - The Dentists, Dogs, and To Do Lists Episode
CJ wants to moan and groan about his ankle, but Helen does not; this week's topics and takes include a special hello to listeners in Qatar, old bones as a barometer and the march toward non-existence, a curious trip to the dentist, auto mechanics and consumer ignorance, physical brushes with dental hygienists and nurses, CJ's cocktail-sausage fingers playing guitar, high-drama relationships, a profile of one of the family dogs, cell phone distraction, parents as landlords, Vice-President Biden's family affairs, The PACP News Brief, CJ's immature behavior during sex scenes on television, weekend To Do lists, and the annoying ritual of hello and goodbye kissing.
55 minutes | Feb 28, 2017
#25 - The Late, Late Episode
CJ gets this one out late, and continues whining about his ankle injury, rants about Tiger Woods, a fat, pie-eating English soccer Goalie, his own ability to be funny; Helen drops in to discuss shampoo and conditioner, exercise, mourning the death of a ten year old treadmill; CJ and Helen unsuccessfully avoid talking about President Trump, again, and discuss cartoon characters who would make great U.S. Presidents, Oscar Award highlights, NASCAR and the Daytona 500, Helen's TV habits, CJ's attempts to cure insomnia with bizarre audio and a magic sleep hat, the dangers of dreaming big, CJ's ability to intensely feel only the suffering of human and animal alike, the PACP News Brief, a surprise call to CJ's mom, and a brief but painful review of Stadium Series hockey between the Pens and Flyers.