Listen Now

In this episode, Lexie and Ron Lee talk about prepping kids for back to school. Can you believe it’s that time already? As time gets closer, it can be a good idea to start dialing back bedtime. A gradual reset can help that first morning to go more smoothly. Do you remember what the beginning of school was like for you? Did you worry about who you would be friend with or about bullies? What do your kids worry about? What do they hope will happen in this new year? This can be like New Year’s resolutions for adults. Talk with your kids about what they hope and fear for this new year. Even if there aren’t solutions, talking about our hopes and fears can lower anxiety. Finally, think about what systems you want set into place to help things run smoothly. I good system can run without much effort once it is implemented. We recommend a launch and landing system. What is the system for launching out the door in the morning? What is the system for landing? Where do you store backpacks? When do you pack lunches? Where and when is homework done? A little prep now can ease anxiety for all later. How do you prep for back to school? Tell us in the comments. We are always looking for ideas. The post Prep for School appeared first on The Married Counselors.

In this show, Ron and Lexie talk about their own stupid argument and deconstruct it for you. Ok.  We argue too and we don’t always do it “by the book.” Did we do it wrong?  There is not a right way to “argue.” What was right? 1. We talked about it once we calmed down. 2. During the argument we avoided name calling and we talked from our own feelings and experience. 3.  We let our child know that all was okay. 4. We kissed and hugged to make up. What are we working on? 1. Recognizing our own patterns of ineffective behavior 2. Not telling our partner what he/she is doing wrong 3. HALT acronym.  Hungary, Anxious, Lonely, Tired How do you argue? The post Stupid Argument appeared first on The Married Counselors.

In this episode Lexie and Ron Lee discuss working on a project together.  Have you and your partner had trouble working together and end up bickering?  We have 6 simple rules that can help this go smoother. 1. Understand the chore 2. Have a budget 3. Pick a leader 4. Read instructions/follow plan 5. Be Patient 6. Prepare your thoughts Listen as we discuss these further and detail our latest project.  Have you done any fun projects lately?  Tell us in the comments below. The post 6 Simple Rules for Projects with Your Partner appeared first on The Married Counselors.

In this episode, Lexie and Ron Lee talk about the importance of having set behaviors or practices in your life that are non-negotiable. They believe that putting such behaviors to practice within your life could manifest the feelings of joy and happiness. 1. Move your body daily 2. Prayer/spend time with God   3. Good nutrition   4. Focus on gratefulness   5.Plan the day   6. Recognize accomplishments What non-negotiable behaviors have you found are a requirement for your sense of joy?     The post Non-negotiable appeared first on The Married Counselors.

Come on get happy What couples expect – it’s not your spouse’s job to make you happy; happiness has to come from within. What does the Bible says about marriage and happiness? Marriage is supposed to make you holy; happiness is a byproduct The honeymoon is over-little irritants-Philippians 4:8 New International Version (NIV) Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. What makes life good  positive emotions being engrossed in something that you lose track of time a sense of meaning and purpose a sense of accomplishment positive relationships with others The post Come on Get Happy appeared first on The Married Counselors.

Episode 8 Controlling Emotions in the Moment Last episode The Married Counselors talked about How to Have a Better Reaction. This week we continue to discuss the idea of controlling your emotions with a focus on how to control emotions in the moment. 7 Steps to Controlling Emotions in the Moment Label emotion- Name it to tame it. When we are able to label how we feel, we take control of the emotion instead of the emotion controlling us. Recognize that although we don’t choose how we feel, the emotion comes from somewhere. It is triggered by some event or words that we hear. This is another way of saying that we have feelings for a reason. Identify the thoughts you are having (what’s in your mind). Are they positive versus negative? What is your intention? Write down evidence that supports or contradicts emotions felt. Include what is true about the thoughts you are thinking and what is not true. Can you look at it in a different way? Change your perspective if you can and even debate both sides of the argument. Consider your options in how to react. Do nothing Relax Do the opposite Leave (take a time out) Make a choice- Who do you want to be?  Once you know who you want to be when you control emotions, then you can take actions to begin acting like you are already there.  We call this “fake it til you make it.” Remember the Indian folktale about the two wolves and how the wolf that wins is the one you feed. The same could be said with how you control your emotions. What are you feeding? How do you control emotions in the moment? Tell us in the comments. The post 7 Ways to Control Emotions appeared first on The Married Counselors.

Do you feel like you and your spouse are always triggering each other? Are you realizing that if you make changes in yourself, the arguments can change? But you may be asking how to change your reaction. In today’s episode, Ron and Lexie Lee, The Married Counselors, discuss their own experience at automatic reactions and what they have learned can help change the look and feel of an argument. If you’ve listened to the episode, you’ve heard Lexie’s personal story of reacting in anger at Ron in a situation that did not warrant anger. Why? Because it is easier to be angry than to show hurt and fear. It is easier to be angry than to admit that we are hurt or afraid. We have these automatic reactions when something is said or done that reminds us of a time in the past when we had a similar emotional hurt. Why is this? Our brain is wired to remember past dangers. This is what prevents us from touching fire. We know from past experience that it hurts to touch it and we need to avoid the danger. Emotional pain operates in the same way. So what can we do? 4 Ways to a Better Outcome Cultivate calmfake it to make it (body language)BREATHE Expect a rational conversation Give time between event and discussion go for a walkschedule a time to discuss-don’t just leave Ask different questions Don’t ask “why” instead ask “what were you feeling”Help me understand from your point of view Avoid putting on the defensive Ask yourself are you feeding positive energy or negative energy   The post How to have a Better Reaction appeared first on The Married Counselors.

As parents, Ron and I struggle with the balance between giving our children freedom to become self-sufficient adults and keeping them safe from harm.  How much freedom should we give?  When does parenting go over into the “helicopter” range?  In today’s show we discuss the difference between “free range kids” and “helicopter parenting.”  Are there benefits to allowing our kids more freedom? Here are 6 Benefits 1.   It gives kids the opportunity to learn through exploration 2.  Kids have the opportunity to be more creative in play, expression, and problem solving. 3.  Kids learn more about themselves and how they relate to others when they have less supervised play. 4.  Independent activities require kids to use their problem solving skills and learn to how to adapt to changing circumstances 5.  Freedom and problem solving builds independence and an “I can” attitude. 6.  Improved self-esteem. With all these benefits why are more parents not doing this style of parenting? FEAR What if something goes wrong?  How will I feel if “it” happens to my child? If you want more information on real crime statistics, go here http://www.freerangekids.com/crime-statistics/ Another reason parents don’t feel comfortable with giving more freedom is because we don’t believe that our neighbors have a back.  There is a “gotcha” mentality where people want to find parents doing wrong and turn them into authorities.  What if instead we acted like we are a “village” raising our kids? Knowing our neighbors is key to supporting a free range parenting lifestyle.  How do we foster this? ·     We can invite a next-door neighbor over for dinner. ·     We can make a point of attending neighborhood events ·     We can make an effort to chat with other parents when we pick up our kids from daycare or school. ·     We can teach our children not to fear all strangers.  Teach them what safe people can look like. A woman with children is more likely to be safe. ·     We can ask a parent who’s juggling too much stuff: “Please let me carry that for you.” ·     We can accept offers of help. Remember that you are not going to just wake one day and decide to give all this freedom.  Freedom is earned and learned.  Take small steps to help your child to gradually learn how to be independent.  Know your child and start at their level of preparedness and gradually raise the bar of expectations for them. The post Free Range Kids Vs. Helicopter Parenting appeared first on The Married Counselors.

Blamestorming definition, a discussion or meeting for the purpose of assigning blame.  Blaming is one of those traps that couples can easily fall into that shuts down communication and is a frequent topic in marriage counseling. In todays show Ron and Lexie Lee, The Married Counselors, talk about why we blame, the consequences of blame and 10 Steps to having a better Conversation. So when it comes to blame… What do you get other than firing up negative emotion? Well, not much positive. When you stop the blame game you can get immediate and long-term benefits. In the short-term, you avoid those typical ugly tantrums, and prevent those nasty regrets.  In the long-term, you build a healthier relationship and improve self-responsibility.  Taking responsibility is a forward moving action that makes room for more creativity and solutions. So what is going on when we blame our partner? Blaming triggers your partner’s past hurts from childhood anxiety, anger, and shame. So, why wouldn’t he or she react like a child? It can be common to revert back to the developmental stage we were in when the initial hurt occurred. Blaming reflects your own unrealistic expectations. Be careful that you are not expecting your partner to just meet your standard. These types of standards in a relationship work better when both parties contribute to the expectation and both agree that it is an acceptable expectation. Blaming comes out of your own emotional immaturity. Work on being able to accept responsibility for your actions and your part of the problem in order to mature in this area. It is only human to react with negative emotions when we feel threatened.  In most cases, of course, interactions with spouses are best described as ego-threatening.  Key fact: Remember, your brain doesn’t know the difference between life-threatening and ego-threatening.  Threatening is life-threatening.  10 STEPS TO BETTER CONVERSATIONS Think before speaking. We respond in a knee-jerk fashion, mindlessly, and only later realize that maybe what we said wasn’t true and certainly wasn’t helpful. Keep conversation on adult/adult level. Avoid getting into a scenario where 1 partner is acting like a parent. Talk to your partner the same way that you would an adult friend. Focus on solving issues, not blaming. Remember     you’re on the same team—that is, you both would prefer it if both of you were happy rather than frustrated. Watch out for the tendency to just make a point. Scoring points against your partner means you are not acting like you are on the same team. Watch out for your own “Yes, but’s…” When you say, “Yes, but,” what you’re doing is ignoring the other person’s perspective and pushing your own. This is another way that we try to score points. Everyone wants to be heard and validated and when a “but” statement is included, your partner is less likely to feel validated. Separate the facts from the story in your head. Don’t build a case against your partner in your head. Watch that you are not trying to predict what is going to be said. Take a short time-out. If you do this, you need to follow 2 rules: 1.Communicate that you are taking a timeout. Don’t just leave. 2.Set time to come back to the discussion. Own Responsibility Your partner may be in the wrong, but you own the responsibility of your reaction to the wrong. Reflect on your patterns Become more self-aware and look for ways that you can grow in taking responsibility and fostering a solution-focused discussion. Have compassion. Recognize our common humanness and that we all make mistakes or fall short of expectations at times. Be open to feedback. Take any criticism to heart and evaluate whether you need to make changes. What have you found to help stop the blame game and have better conversations?  We’d love to see your comments below. The post 10 Steps to a Better Conversation appeared first on The Married Counselors.

Guilt…It seems to campout when we are working on work-life balance. But it doesn’t have to be that way. If we can be intentional about setting certain practices in place, we can take dominion and decrease the guilt. In today’s show, Ron and Lexie discuss how guilt has settled in to our lives and 7 ways to decrease the guilt and have more balance. Communicate and Set Boundaries with your employer. Most employers feel the same guilt and will respect your desire to give time to both your job and your family. Communication, negotiation, and discipline to stick to your boundaries are all important keys to developing balance.Do not be slaves to technology. Phones and email have made our lives easier and we encourage you to use it to your advantage. However, you can set boundaries around when to respond and allow interruptions. Waiting an hour to respond, in most cases, will not affect the outcome. The power of “No.” Do not say yes to some commitment out of guilt. You do not have to run every committee or attend every function. When someone asks, use the following formula to decline: Express gratitude for being askedDecline graciously Offer up an alternative (this can be either a name who might do the task or offer another task that you would be willing to do.) Fight the Guilt. You are not a super hero and therefore do not have to pretend that you are. When the guilt comes up, name it for what it is, take a deep breath, and recognize all that you are doing. “Clean” is a relative term. When you are able to tolerate a little messiness, then you are better able to focus on the things that bring joy. Be willing to pay someone to clean for you if you can find a way in the budget. Private time is critical and searching out small ways to appreciate things is good. This will fight off burnout and give you the energy to continue to pour into all the other areas in your life. Check your company’s policy on flextime and working from home. Companies are more willing to keep valued employees happy. How do you work on balancing work and family?       The post Guilt…It appeared first on The Married Counselors.