S1E27 My Twenty-second JOURNAL ENTRY - We IM each other
This episode is a bit different, because instead of a journal entry it is a conversation that Guy and I had via Instant Message.
I apologize in advance because I know it got a bit convoluted and hard to keep track of who said what.
So I am adding the writer text of the conversation on here.
GUY (1:26:00PM): I got your email
Me (1:26:07PM): okay
Me (1:26:19PM): do you know what your plans are ?
GUY(1:26:22PM): and I was planning on getting him this evening and keeping him until after work
Me (1:26:32PM): okay what time?
GUY(1:26:39PM): what is good for you?
Me (1:27:12PM): Hmmmm not really sure yet, maybe 6 or 7
GUY(1:27:20PM): I wanted to tell you a couple of things... after we figure this out
GUY(1:27:31PM): 6 would be good cause I was going to take him to Perkins
Me (1:27:42PM): okay well lets do 6 then
GUY(1:28:02PM): ok.... also, if I could get the laptop so that he can have something to "work" on
Me (1:28:13PM): okay
GUY(1:28:38PM): I wanted to tell you that I was sorry for not saying anything and being kinda 'short' with you the other dayI was still upset about you sending your mom over here to get our boy and it just hurt because I didn't have him ready, and your mom didn't wanna come in, and I'm already VERY uncomfortable with your mom.. and that just made everything very bad... I had to rush with him, and he felt it.. he was getting upset...and I didn't have time to sit with him and give him my 'speech' which usually makes him feel better so, it upset me
Me (1:31:28PM): well, I did tell you 7pm and I was right on time. I am sorry that it made you feel rushed, but I was not ready to see you. And I do need to think about my self a-lot more than I have.
GUY(1:31:35PM): anyway, I'm just explaining the 'why' of that particular situation, I understand that... but if you were sending her, I would have liked to know. I would have made certain if I knew that. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that... and tell you that I would like to wait until after my trip and then have a big talk with you... I just need to get away for a couple days first
Me (1:34:29PM): I must also say that I was very unhappy with your reaction. You can not imagine How many time lately I have felt like calling you and screaming my head off at you. But i have held off doing it. And you had to see my mom, and you left my a very rude message (which i did not feel like responding too) you even used the words "unfair" and how "up-set" you were and I was i must say shocked that you would tell me that things are unfair for you.
GUY(1:34:45PM): there is more I would like to say, but I feel like it is more 'face to face' stuff... about some feelings that I have... and I would rather wait until we can do that
GUY(1:35:58PM): I'm sorry that the message was rude... I do apologize... I just felt spited and honestly, I had some things I wanted to talk to you about when you came over and when I was surprised by your mom, it just put me immediately on edge and I had to hurry, and the boy almost started crying when I was trying to tell him bye while putting his shoes on. And I had to rush the 'speech' so it just didn't come out sincere like I mean it, and the way I usually tell him
GUY(1:38:39PM): I was just upset, because i love my son as much as you... and I don't like telling him bye anymore than I'm sure you do... believe it or not
Me (1:39:00PM): I do not doubt that
GUY(1:39:28PM): and when I'm telling him bye and I don't have time to comfort him and make him feel better.... it just really hurt me
Me (1:39:48PM): I did not mean to put you in a spot again I came ontime and so did not think i would be rushing anything
GUY(1:40:24PM): well, I guess I just thought that if it was YOU at the door, you would be fine waiting or going to see “C” (which you said you were going to do) and stuff believe me, if I had known that your mom was coming, I would have had him ready and prepared to go. I just hated having her outside in the heat, and I had to rush so much
Me (1:41:37PM): I hear you, and I from now on i guess it would be better for you to pick up and drop off so that it does not happen again
GUY(1:41:47PM): ok
GUY(1:42:13PM): I am very sorry for my reaction. I just wanted you to understand where I was coming from, if nothing else
Me (1:42:54PM): well i do get what you meant
GUY(1:43:06PM): and just for the record, I still wanted that 2nd date, but you got upset before that could happen....and I felt like that we were on at least some sort of path after the 1st one and that 'dating' might have been the best way to go for a while
Me (1:44:00PM): well, I just started to feel that it was time to give myself more respect, I did not want to keep chasing you.
GUY(1:44:27PM): well, I don't want you to feel like you are chasing me... that why _I_ asked for the next date
Me (1:44:40PM): And honestly that is what i felt i was doing, you told me you did not love me anymore and i kept throwing myself at you. I was starting to feel really stupid
GUY(1:45:13PM): well don't 'throw yourself' at me... and just take MY invitation for another date... maybe in time
GUY(1:45:33PM): _I_ was the one that asked YOU... that's not you chasing me
Me (1:46:21PM): you asked me but i was the one that brought it up. I was the one that said maybe we should try it.
GUY(1:46:34PM): I don't remember that, honestly but just so YOU know, I was already thinking that before anyone mentioned it
Me (1:48:09PM): Has anything changed for you in these last few months?
GUY(1:48:55PM): sure, some things have changed IN ME... you know that.. but in regards to our relationship, I don't know... I felt like after that date that we had a chance for the first time in weeksI don't wanna upset you worse right now... so, I don't wanna get emotional... but yes, there have been times where I miss you a-lot..... I just CAN'T have us go through this again, so I try to keep my mouth shut on those things
Me (1:51:27PM): well i do not think keeping you mouth shut will help I think we need to be very honest and up-front
GUY(1:51:29PM): that's why I thought that the dating thing would be good for us.... cause we could 'just see' what would happen,and there would be no pressure. and we could talk a-lot and make a decision in time.
Me (1:52:17PM): I have learned in these past few months about me and US and i do not think that dating by its self is the only way to give us a chance. I know it will help but we also need to confront some other issues, and the therapy would be very beneficial in that
GUY(1:53:58PM): I know that...
GUY(1:54:27PM): anyway, I'm not trying to bring up things and make you upset or anything like that... I realize that I have done enough of that. I promise that I will not be harsh like I was the other day and try to make things as easy as possible.
Me (1:55:57PM): The thing is that some things you say upset me but i need to hear them just like i need to say things to you. But
Me (1:57:51PM): ...but, well I just need to know from you if YOU REALLY TRUELY want to try. I am not saying it would work I fully understand that, but I need to know that you are willing to try 100% And then what ever happens will happen and we both know we did all we could. I just have felt like you have done things ( like the date and other stuff ...just cause you do not want to hurt me more...not cause you really want to see if this all can maybe work
GUY(1:58:25PM): well, I will be honest and say this... the first date, I did because i felt like after all this time, you deserve to get that chance.... but asking for the 2nd one was totally different. it was because I HONESTLY, TRULY had a good time with you... and wanted another date.
Me (1:59:41PM): do you want a divorce?
GUY(1:59:50PM): I don't know that right now, what I can promise is that after this trip, we will sit down and talk like adults and figure all of that out
Me (2:01:53PM): well i think we really need to do that, cause I feel like I am dragging around a dead relationship, and I
GUY(2:02:15PM): I do hear ya... I really do... and I'm making a solid promise to you now that we will
Me (2:05:39PM): I need you to really think about what you want. I want our talk to be a good mature talk but I want to come out of it, with a clear plan for what I need to do next. If working on things is what you want to do, then know that to me that will mean going to therapy along with going on dates and other things we may come up with. I do not think that we can save us any other way.
GUY(2:06:09PM): I appreciate you hearing me out on this stuff
GUY(2:06:24PM): I will think about all of that, and we will have that conversation
Me (2:07:36PM): And if you feel that it needs to be over than i NEED you to be strong enough to tell me so. Do not do things to spare me pain cause I need to know the 100% truth no matter what that will be the only way i can move on and I really want to start moving forward one way or the other.
GUY(2:08:09PM): ok, I promise
GUY(2:14:13PM): I had one last request....
Me (2:14:18PM): ok
GUY(2:14:42PM): can you watch Our son Friday night and me get him on Saturday morning? I would still like to keep him again during the week, btw
Me (2:15:17PM): what is going on on Friday?
GUY(2:15:39PM): some friends from Salsa class were going to go dancing and I was invited, that's all, nothing that important... if you have plans, it is ok
If you want to move forward the journal starts at 2:48
And my reflection starts: 12:04
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