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The Grimm Truth
90 minutes | May 21, 2020
#25 – Hit or Mischief
Pied Piper of Hamelin - So, you were just going to "hang out" with all those kids? You "swear" you "didn't know" Charli D'Amelio was "only 16?" A "friend" "gave" you that bag of buttplugs but you "didn't know" what was in it? Yeah, why don't you have a seat right over there, Piper. Death's Messengers - A vigorous man takes the challenge of a lifetime when he signs 40 pages of waivers he didn't bother to read, allowing death to torture him for a chance at winning a cash prize. Unfortunately, unlike your wife's boyfriend, death doesn't abide by the safeword rule, so when the man tries to tap out, death doesn't listen and takes him anyway. (Not actually, but close enough.) Frick millers' daughters, get BeanCoins Intro/Outro Music: From Russia With Love - Huma-Huma This podcast is powered by Pinecast.
102 minutes | May 7, 2020
#24 – Split Hares, Don't Care
The Hare and the Hedgehog - An extremely based retelling of the tortoise and the hare but instead of all that dumb meaning and substance, there's a bunch of woman-hating and violence and maybe racism?? Grimm Truth after dark mode: engaged. No babies allowed. Rumpelstiltskin - King's daughter: "NOOOOOO! YOU CAN'T TAKE EVERYTHING I OWN AND MARRY ME AND GET ME PREGNANT! YOU CAN'T JUST SPIN STRAW AND MAKE ME GUESS WHAT YOUR NAME IS FOR ALL ETERNITY! YOU ARE GOING TO END UP SPLITTING YOURSELF IN HALF NOOOOOOOO" Rumpelstiltskin: "haha spinning wheel go whirrrrr" I-it's not like we want you to visit our Facebook or anything, b-baka! Intro/Outro Music: From Russia With Love - Huma-Huma This podcast is powered by Pinecast.
88 minutes | May 1, 2020
#23 – The Sack of the Siward (2020)
The Turnip - Turn up for what, am I right? ..Tough crowd. So it's been a minute but we're back at it again! We got a brotherly feud that could put the Bluths to shame in this extremely anticlimactic tale of a turnip farmer, his brother, a king (without a hot daughter), and a scholar. There's some bad decisions and shenanigans and eventually the two brothers manage to get the scholar in the sack. ..Not in a gay way, though. I definitely wouldn't be into that haha I told you already I'm not into that please stop calling me gay. ..Anyway, story sucks so have fun with that one. The Peasant's Wise Daughter - "Wow that last story was terrible! Bet this next one makes up for it though, right? Right??" NOPE, GRIMM TRUTH AUDIENCE TOTALLY BTFO YOU GET TWO TERRIBLE STORIES LMAO. In this tale that was almost definitely written by a woman (or by a simp, FOR a woman), we get STRONG and INDEPENDENT and show these BOYS how it's DONE. Mansplaining? REKT. HIS-TORY? GONE. huMANkind?? ERADICATED. SEXISM? ELIMINATED. PRIVILEGE? CHECKED. VAGINA? YES. #IMWITHHER. Just kidding this story is trash lol sorry we're not like other girls! Winky kissing emoji Socialize with fellow humans at a socially acceptable distance that is approved by our benevolent overlords at the U.S. government Intro/Outro Music: From Russia With Love - Huma-Huma This podcast is powered by Pinecast.
140 minutes | Dec 16, 2019
#22 – Love Potion Thumber Nein (Rebooted & Reloaded)
The Young Giant - Remember the Thumb-Thumbs from Spy Kids? This is them now. Feel old yet?? Okay, we're a little rusty on the descriptions, BEAR WITH ME. Finally, after all this waiting, we've finally gotten to a story that is AS BAD as the Shuttering one?? (NOT CLICKBAIT) So here's the deal, we got a tiny thumb guy who gets stolen by a giant and raised to be a giant, except it's weird because literally every part of the story is oozing with homoerotic imagery so it's pretty distracting, I mean not for me because I'm totally straight haha no seriously though I wasn't thinking about it at all. ANYWAYS, the thumb giant proceeds to wreak havoc by taking jobs but not doing them and being super lazy and then punching people into the stratosphere for confronting him about it. Sounds pretty based when it's summarized but I promise you it's actually pretty garbage and it gets a hella unprecedented rating from the #GrimmGang. #ThumbLivesMatter The Good Bargain - HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO TEACH YOU THIS LESSON, OLD MAN?! Once again we've got some anti-semitism going on and the #GrimmGang is the only force in the known universe that can stop it! A stupid idiot accidentally supplies an army of Nazi animals with all of his money and food, so he goes to complain to the king about it and gets offered, you guessed it, the king's daughter. The king is offended when the guy doesn't take his offer, money is exchanged, dudes get blown, and it's a pretty good time overall. Then, a Jew comes along and tries to get in on the deal, but his jacket gets stolen and he also gets blown, or something. In hindsight, this story was actually pretty stupid. I was high on the dopamine rush of Sarah being super mad and just wanted to meme with an 8. RETRACTION INCOMING, DAVID, DO NOT PUT THIS IN THE SPREADSHEET. Apologies in advance for scuffed audio. FLOOP IS A MADMAN HELP US SAVE US Intro/Outro Music: From Russia With Love - Huma-Huma This podcast is powered by Pinecast.
100 minutes | Aug 21, 2019
#21 – The Devil is in the Deux Tales
The Devil's Sooty Brother - Simple Hans hangs out with the devil in hell and cooks up some of his former superiors into soups (basically hot human water). All is well and good until somebody decides do something bad to him, then he doesn't like it and he cries like a dumb baby and runs back to the devil to tell him what happened. Then a king with a hot daughter gets forced into it for literally no reason and it's kind of a mess. Godfather Death (II) - OOPSIE WOOPSIE! UwU we made a fricky wicky and reused a tale! The dwarves at Nut Mountain are working VEWY HAWD to fix this! ..Just kidding, this is not our fault. The two versions of this story are so different that we couldn't even tell them apart, kind of like Split and X-Men, you know? Where it's literally the same movie with the same actors and plot but pretends not to be associated at all? Anyway, we went ahead and made a new rule called "we're allowed to do this and you have to shut up and enjoy it." STARTING NOW. You know the plot of this one already, but I'll give you a little refresh: Doctor man is rude to God and the devil and gets BTFO by death for being a dumb idiot. Bind Your Will to Paimon Intro/Outro Music: From Russia With Love - Huma-Huma This podcast is powered by Pinecast.
106 minutes | Jul 17, 2019
#20 – Loch, Livestock, and a King's Peril
The Little Peasant - "You brought me myrrh? Thank you." "..Myrrh-DER!" "JUDAS! :O" A bunch of dumb townspeople sign a petition to storm a lake to steal as many sheep as possible because "they can't catch all of us." Big surprise, they get murdered. A little sheep wants to become mayor, but, and you won't believe this, he gets murdered. A cow is magically willed into existence, only to be, you guessed it, MURDERED. A raven is wrapped in the aforementioned cow's corpse and gets his head pinched repeatedly AND, you know what, he actually doesn't get murdered. Unfortunately, despite the big payoff at the end of this one, it ends up being more Signs than Shutter Island. Faithful John - This one is a doozy. We got talking ravens. We got pirate ships. We got a kingdom of gold. We got kidnapping. We got loyal friends. We got curses. 360 no-scoping FLYING HORSES. CHILD MURDER. CHILD RESURRECTION? TURNING TO STONE? SECRET ROOMS WITH EROTIC PAINTINGS? GOING TO SECOND BASE WITH YOUR FRIEND'S WIFE TO SAVE HER LIFE!? GETTING TURNED TO STONE TO SAVE YOUR FRIEND AND HIS WIFE AND WATCH THEM BANG FOR ETERNITY????? BUT GETTING RESURRECTED AFTER HE MURDERED HIS KIDS BUT THEN BRINGING THE KIDS BACK TO LIFE WOW THIS HAS TO BE THE BEST STORY YET RIGHT????? Not quite. There's a surprise retraction that you may have almost definitely forgotten about that will steal this story's thunder harder than that time when Rachel stole Monica's thunder by getting back together with Ross on Monica and Chandler's engagement night. ..I can pass for 19, right? Literally Add Our Shadow Profiles Intro/Outro Music: From Russia With Love - Huma-Huma This podcast is powered by Pinecast.
123 minutes | Jun 24, 2019
#19 – Look at Banter, Justin! (not feat. Justin)
Little Red Cap - Spoiler alert, it's Little Red Riding Hood, so not a lot to see here. Scuffed descriptions for a scuffed podcast. Get over it. The Nixie in the Well - I want a water spirit that go to church... ~AND READ HER BIBLEEEEEE~ Become Friend of the Podcast Intro/Outro Music: From Russia With Love - Huma-Huma This podcast is powered by Pinecast.
95 minutes | Jun 10, 2019
#18 – Minor Thread (Cut & Censored)
The Queen Bee - The virgin simpleton vs. the chad brothers: Tiny creatures have a big day when a much less clever Tyrion Lannister teams up with an army of ants and some very questionable bees to do some dumb puzzles and win a wife. The bee queen sits on the faces of a bunch of young girls (not kidding) and makes out with them while they're drugged and unconscious in order to decide which one is the youngest/hottest (still not kidding). Then, the idiot's ALPHA brothers (who have been doing coke and partying this whole time, by the way) burst onto the scene and take the girl's hot sisters for themselves. It's a win for everyone, but an L for respecting women. Perfectly balanced, as all things should be. The Hare's Bride - Why don't you have seat right over here for me? I'm Chris Hansen with Dateline NBC and I want to ask you some questions. "Oh, no" what? Please keep the carrots right where I can see them. What were you planning on doing with those? Persuading an underage girl to run away and get married to you? Inviting a bunch of other animals to it? What were you planning on doing with them? Well, we have the transcripts. Sir? Come here for one second. Why don't you come back over here, sir? The Rose - A boy gets a flower from a ghost and he gives it to his mom and it blooms and the kid dies. HELLO, EPIC DEPARTMENT?? I'D LIKE TO FILE A CLAIM. The Seven Ravens - A wholesome tale about love, sacrifice, and redemption. A father's love for his daughter (not in a bad way) and a sister's love for her brothers (again, not in a bad way) are the focus of this adventure that takes us on a journey we never could have imagined. The earth is flat, the sun is evil, stars are zooted off that good good, and the glass mountain dwarves are LIT. ..Just talking about this story makes me regret my shamefully low rating, actually. I really regret that now. What was I thinking? This story had everything. BRACE YOURSELVES, A RETRACTION IS COMING. Leave us a 5 star review on Facebook Intro/Outro Music: From Russia With Love - Huma-Huma This podcast is powered by Pinecast.
103 minutes | Jun 3, 2019
#17 – Musical Beasts and Where Not to Hide Them
The Wolf and the Seven Little Goats - While mother is away, the kids will play... Until a hungry wolf enters the fray. "My, oh my, what great hiding spots you've chosen today," the wolf exclaimed in a condescending way. "No one wants to be tickled today? I promise it's fun and totally not gay." "No way, that sounds pretty gay" the goats brayed." If you want our little souls, a troll toll you must pay!" Will the poor little goats be taken away? Or will mom come back to save the day? The Bremen Town Musicians - A bunch of animals with goofy nicknames team up to create the greatest supergroup in fairy tale history. But things get a bit complicated and they end up staging a very elaborate home invasion and decide to just hang out instead of doing the whole music thing. I'm not supposed to give my opinion, but this is one of the best Grimm tales EVER. Ashputtel - If you or a loved one was diagnosed with low IQ, you may be entitled to financial compensation. Low IQ is a rare condition that directly affects the brain, and is linked to anyone who is on or has listened to The Grimm Truth podcast. Symptoms of low IQ include the following: Thinking it would be "like, super easy" to pick lentils out of an ash pile, taking one marshmallow right now instead of waiting for two later because "it's like social security, dude," and having a foot fetish. Please don't wait, poke The Grimm Truth on Facebook for a free legal consultation and financial information packet. Send Us Vines Intro/Outro Music: From Russia With Love - Huma-Huma This podcast is powered by Pinecast.
86 minutes | May 22, 2019
#16 – Mother Needs More Goose
Mother Trudy - Yo dawg, we heard you like to be inquisitive so we're giving you a story with an inquisitive little girl so you can be inquisitive while we do the meme. Octavia Spencer plays Mother Trudy in this very short and dull tale about an old lady who is very racist against minorities and sends a little girl camping... Or to hell, we're not really sure. Or maybe Mother Trudy is the demon? Or maybe the minorities are actually demons? Or maybe WE ARE ALL THE DEMONS AND IT'S REPRESENTATIVE OF THE WHITE DEVIL AND RACISM IN AMERICA??? MAYBE IF YOU'RE INQUISITIVE ENOUGH, YOU'LL FIND OUT! The Glass Coffin - A gooseless tailor goes on a quest to discover the origin of Krampus. After a brief stint at a pervy old man's house, the tailor finds a room full of snowglobes that are filled with towns and people, which is pretty alright, but then he finds a naked lady in a glass box and that's obviously like a million times cooler, so he breaks her out and she bores him to death with a L O N G life story (women, am I right?). The story is only really interesting when she talks about having the hots for her brother and says that he is actually a big stag. After the tailor and the chick kiss a bit, they fall in love and end up together forever and the brother just gets super cucked LOL. The Evil Mother-in-Law - A wicked old lady eats her grandchildren and that's literally all that happens because the story ends abruptly. To be honest, though, that's good enough for us. Sometimes, it's better to just leave a good thing be and, rather than try to finish it and botch it super hard, just let it die with dignity. Gee, I wonder if there's an extremely popular and previously enjoyable show that ended a few days ago that would have benefited from that treatment... Send us Vines Intro/Outro Music: From Russia With Love - Huma-Huma This podcast is powered by Pinecast.
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