TDL 017 - A Look at Positive Parenting
In which Jennifer says "duh" twice, even though she is 31 and it is 2015...
Our story contemplating whether postive parenting is the same as permissive parenting, or if it's a legitimate option - and what it might mean for your family.
Permissive parenting raises entitled kids who push boundaries as a way of habit - and still aren't happy, because they don't have boundaries.
Positive parenting seeks to change the motivation for good behavior to something within the child, versus the choice to do what is right because of fear or guilt. It focuses on the positive things happening in a situation rather than always the negative. The more we call out the good in others - kids and adults - the more they will want to continue doing those things.
*Insert conversation about spanking children here, that needs the entire context to be fair. Gotta listen to the show for that one ;) *
WHY?
Provides a hedge around the lines we never want to cross when disciplining in anger
It seems to work. People on both sides of every mommy war are beginning to agree on this one thing.
Discipline comes from the same word as "disciple", which means "to teach". If our goal is to teach a child the best choice in a given situation as opposed to simply stopping the behavior temporarily, the the focus should be on teaching instead of punishment.
"I've come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element. It's my daily mood that makes the weather. As a parent or teacher, I possess a tremendous power to make a child's life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration. I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis will be escalated or de-escalated and a child humanized or de-humanized." Dr. Haim Ginott
"Ultimately, love is the only leverage we have with our children. Even if they worked, fear and "Because I said so!" only last for as long as they can be physically enforced. Every parent knows how fast children grow; fear works for a very short time if it works at all. Love, on the other hand, becomes a more effective motivator over time; it raises kids who want to behave." Dr. Laura Markham
As much as it breaks our heart, our job is to prepare our children to leave us and become their own people.
Some of our "first steps" on this journey, that have produced positive results:
Start discipline with an affirmation of feelings. People need to know they are heard and understood.
Remember that your children will see themselves how they think you see them.
Time "ins" are a great alternative to Time Outs. Use them as constructive tools - both to the behavior at hand and to your relationship.
Invest in one-on-one time.
Consider "family contributions" in place of (or in addition to) a chore/reward system.
Help your kids talk through problems instead of just solving them quickly.
Our "Anger Rules":
I am allowed to be angry, but in my anger I may not:
Hurt myself,
hurt others, or
hurt someone's things.
RESOURCES AND MENTIONS
National Center for Biblical Parenting takes a "heart-based" approach to parenting, which is essentially positive parenting with scriptural context. Also includes practical tools and conversations around personal responsibility, character training, anger, communication, etc.
TDL 008: Temperament and Parenting (and Leading) with Grace
CDC site with tips by age
Why Positive Parenting? by Laura Markham (If it's too long, skip down to where the cute little boy is grumpy about something.... start there :))4 Simple Steps to Stop the Yelling by Amy McCready (Also a calendar of upcoming free webinars. These come highly recommended by someone I respect)10 Tips for Better Behavior by Amy McCready (A great place to start!)
BOOK RECOMMENDATIONS FROM THE CENTER FOR BIBLICAL PARENTINGThe Christian Parenting Handbook: 50 Heart-Based Strategies for All the Stages of Your Child's LifeBubbles, Balloons, & Chocolate (Family Time Activities)Seeing is Believing (Family Time Activities)
Wiggles, Giggles & Popcorn (Family Time Activities)Playing for Keeps (Family Time Activities)Motivate Your Child: A Christian Parent's Guide to Raising Kids who do what they Need to Do Without Being Told