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A young debutante frets that no one will become intimate with her face, Lauren happily betrays her country to a sexy Russian operative, and Dan tries his hand at writing lesbian erotica. Also, Miss Piggy has an abortion. The fun never stops! It Could Happen To You: https://tinyurl.com/yb6ulmrm

Like an Austrian bodybuilder turned movie star turned mediocre politician, we're back! In this episode, we discuss whether there's an underlying sexual component to all cereal mascots, cruise ship hypnotist The Great Cambroni faces his greatest challenge yet, and Dan purchases a new office chair. (Probably should have led with that.) See Lauren and Dan LIVE this week only in ESCAPE FROM THE LOST MOON! Tickets: lostmoonradio.com

Washington-area eccentric and presidential impersonator Donald Trump stops by as his last remaining synapses disintegrate, Lauren goes door to door to confess a terrible (and adorable) secret, and Dan is concerned that Pierro might have become a "proud boy." Help fund "Butch Pal for the Straight Gal" at www.butchpal.com

Anne Hathaway volunteers to rescue those Thai children trapped in a cave, Dan attempts to find an actress that Lauren feels neutral about, and The Almighty has sort of an off day.

Barack Obama stops by to offer his advice on how to tough it out until the November midterms, the world's worst superhero, Cinderella Man, foils a bank robbery, and Justice Anthony Kennedy makes love to a pile of garbage.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders sends back her cheese plate, Larry the Cable Guy tries some other lines of work, and Melania Trump visits the border wearing that sandwich board from Die Hard with a Vengeance. Also in this episode: a VERY hungover Lauren. Donate to RAICES Texas and help reunite immigrant families: https://www.raicestexas.org/#donate

Dan is threatened by Lauren's new podcast "Coming Out with Lauren & Nicole." We also discuss the wiping of Chris Hardwick from the historical record, briefly become a Bachelorette podcast, and at some point, learn the deeply underwhelming origins of Professor X and Magneto's rivalry. Subscribe to "Coming Out with Lauren & Nicole": https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/coming-out-with-lauren-nicole/id1397585538?mt=2

It's Pride Month! We figure out which Batman characters are gay and which are merely bi; Rosie the robot maid from The Jetsons goes on a lesbian date; and Lauren drags her tired ass into the voting booth because it's election day in California and we have a limited amount of time to unfuck the world. VOTE OR YOU ARE DEAD TO US. :)

Lauren gets in an elevator with Milla Jovovich; we have some wacky fun with the repeal of the Irish abortion ban; and our special guest, the grim shadow of Death, stops by to do a little improv with us.

Meghan Markle gets a call from her manager, Liam Neeson deals with a difficult coworker, and we learn that Vera Farmiga is an anagram for "firm vagina." Also in this episode: God. Angels are Real: https://tinyurl.com/yd54ah3f

The rotary club grapples with a nasty Thanos infestation, an old-timey senator suggests we all do a Purge, and Barack Obama helps solve the mystery of Lauren's dog's farts. Sinister Squad: https://youtu.be/C_QcAHiLS24

Darth Vader grills Lauren on her basic Star Wars knowledge, two mice in a laboratory update their social media, and we learn the amazing story behind the title of the James Bond film Octopussy.

Kanye uncharacteristically says something super dumb, Dan gives tips on how to piss without getting it all over yourself, and Rachel Weisz spits in Rachel McAdams' mouth. Back to our regular Tuesday upload schedule starting next week!

We're back after a week hiatus! In this episode, an off-brand Middle Earth wizard protects a Trader Joe's, Detective Cobretti can't read facial expressions, and Lauren spends most of the podcast trying to tell her E. coli story. Very Important Links Make America Rock Again w/ Billy Freehold: https://tinyurl.com/yd6tz6qy Cobra Eats Pizza: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5SxN_U2H0Xc

The Russians hatch a sinister plot to destroy our podcast, Lauren's accountant delves into her pathetic financial situation, we take a shopping trip to Nebbishy Miser Outfitters, and Obama stops by to take your questions! (Okay, question.) Very Important Links Fruity Pebbles: https://youtu.be/MadGwgiRgAM Sit 'n Sleep: https://youtu.be/yCrNrNG8N74

G.I. Joe does a brief roll call, Roseanne creates a human-sized nest, and in a show filled with 80s references, Dan still somehow manages to rag on Ready Player One.

Two elderly Jewish ladies become trapped in a Jerry's Famous Deli for eternity, Barack Obama takes actual questions from listeners, and a 13 year-old Dan carelessly masturbates with Icy Hot. You're A Virgin from Lost Moon Radio: https://youtu.be/-1szvGYEsQ8 Fellas (feat. Gabriel Byrne): https://youtu.be/eh7W0U65gh8

The title pretty much says it all. We're not proud of it, but it happened. Also, Lauren is strong-armed into a gym membership and Dan doubts asexual people are being oppressed because he's worse than Hitler. Tweet us your Obama Cares problems: @arewefunny #ObamaCares Leon's Getting Larger: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PzZ4i8aWs_s

Jeff Dunham gives his ventriloquist girlfriend some unwanted advice, the protagonists of gay cinema team up to face a cosmic threat, and Martin Shkreli gets hit by a car in prison.

Our post-Oscars extravaganza in which we're visited by the wise and tolerant floating heads of Planet Woke, Cyndi Lauper commandeers a time-traveling DeLorean, and Dan and Lauren take a stab at presenting an Academy Award. It does not go well.