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In the words of special guest Sean David this week's film is a white savior fantasy about a guy who can jump really high and punch really hard. Titular hero "John Carter" is a late 1800's gold prospector who while in search of riches is swept away to Mars. There he proceeds to slaughter 1000's of native martians with his newly discovered superpowers that he obtained simply from being a human on Mars. This film gets a lot right but might try to do too much in terms of story and genre. Some of what's here feels shoehorned regardless of how enjoyable it might be. Nevertheless so much of what is positive about this film is in the nuance which we predictably spoil so make sure you watch the film if you have any inkling to do so.

We just can't stop frolicking in the fertile field of cannon films as we examine the Chuck Norris meh..sterpiece "Invasion USA". While we're not sure you need any more context than "Angry Russian burn victim hates Chuck Norris and freedom" we'd be inclined to offer limited details about airboats, pet armadillos and rocket launchers with limitless capacity. This is a cannon film so you should expect it to be mindless, make very little sense and have relatively poor direction or cohesion. It's surprising that "Invasion USA" manages to be as enjoyable as it is but that's mostly due to the over the top violence and generally enjoyable cast of villains. This one might be a good one to watch first due to a couple memorable scenes that are spoiled fairly early in our discussion. 

The original "Miami Vice" television series is widely considered to be one of the most far reaching and influential pieces of media to have come out of the 1980's. The 2006 "Miami Vice" remake starring Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx is not widely considered to be anything other than a monument of failure and wasted potential. It is clearly the latter that we would suffer through in order to bring you the quality podcasting you've come to expect from "Streaming Pile of Flix". In this partially aborted cousin to the beloved television franchise (which doesn't take place in Miami and doesn't feature a suave likable duo of Vice cops) two newly christened FBI agents infiltrate a drug smuggling ring...for some reason I don't really remember. Someone died I think. If greasy and creepy could be packaged and sold Colin Farrell would literally have bought every last can on E-bay like an insane grandmother snatching up beenie babies. If mediocrity were a mid 90's pseudo energy drink made of slug excrement director Michael Mann catered the entire shoot with countless rows of fold out tables covered end to end with Surge. If spoilers are what you avoid maybe put a temporary cork in it to take a listen to this episode, it's a good one.

On the one hand, I'm shocked that any streaming service on earth paid the no doubt meager sum for rights to this week's film "Iron Eagle". On the other hand, the film could easily have been made in 2019 and posted to YouTube as a comedic homage to the awfulness of the 80's. The film centers around the exploits of a fresh high school graduate who in an ill explained and unbelievable fashion manages to convince a grown adult to hijack two fighter jets and attack an unnamed Middle Eastern country to save his father from being hung. Listen, the plot isn't important and most of the careers associated with this film went absolutely nowhere. The special effects consist of cardboard fighter jet models being dangled on the end of a string and lit on fire. This film is bad...irredeemably, never even remotely fun kind of bad. This episode of the podcast however...surprisingly good! In a rare turn of events I encourage you not to watch the film and just listen to this episode and enjoy!

It's been an incredibly long hiatus but we've returned this week...not with a bang but with a blistering off key trombone. Our film this week is "Velvet Buzzsaw" which is as puzzling a title for this film as it's categorization as a horror flick. What starts as a mildly interesting satirization of the art world quickly devolves into a film that struggles to shift genres midway through. The end result is a film that has a wonderful cast and a couple interesting ideas but never fully utilizes either. It's sad to see much potential wasted, despite having a couple vaguely enjoyable moments. Spoilers are kinda our thing so if you have any interest in this film I would advise holding off on downloading this episode until you've witnessed the cinematic Ambien substitute that is "Velvet Buzzsaw" for yourself.

We took a substantial amount of time off this last month and we had to come back to "Pet Sematary 2". While the original concept isn't a bad premise for a sequel, this film is not a worthy follow up in any way. "Pet Sematary 2" feels more like an animal snuff film than it does a story about the struggle of real, human characters. Nearly three quarters of the film is both implied and overt violence against animals while the last quarter is an attempt to recapture the horror element of the original. This approach to the end of the movie is not so terrifying as it is fun and campy in spots. This is where certain performances and death sequences stand out as redeeming elements. It isn't enough to make this a good film by any means, just a far more watchable one. If you've held out this long "Pet Sematary 2" falls distinctly into the "why bother" category of recommendation. We are obliged to mention that spoilers come early on this one...as does the first pubescent scream from Edward Furlong. 

We might be the only three people in our age group who never watched this week's film, "Jacob's Ladder". Jacob returns to New York City after serving in Vietnam only to be plagued by nightmarish visions and terrifying flashbacks. He soon finds out that he's not the only one as other members of his platoon begin to suffer similar hallucinations. It all culminates in a very M. Night Shyamalan style climax which for us presented more questions than answers (in a good way). Overwhelmingly, this was a very positive viewing experience for us and a journey that we all regret not having embarked on sooner. The spoilers on this one start right out of the gate so if you haven't seen this film please do so before listening to the episode.

Our film this week is an action classic featuring two of the most flamboyant over actors of our generation. "Face Off" pits John Travolta against Nicolas Cage, forces them to swap faces, then again pits John Travolta against Nicolas Cage in a contest of over embelished characterization. The end result is...pretty damn entertaining! The plot here is of little consequence as everything that happens just serves to reinforce the premise of two characters swapping faces and causing heaps of collateral damage trying to hunt each other down. It's dumb fun that runs a bit too long and tries to shoehorn an emotional tale of a father struggling to come to terms with the death of his son along with some fairly overt subtext indicating that "sometimes to be the good guy you have to be a little bad". All in all it's worth the time you'll invest so long as you're not expecting more than a bunch of explosions and a lot of heavy face petting. Also, just so we're sure you understand **coat opens, doves ascend into the foreground** full spoilers for the film follow.

This week's film, "Calibre" is a difficult one to synopsize...or to recommend to anyone that isn't a soulless, sociopath, narcissist monster. This was widely agreed to be the most uncomfortable film in the history of Streaming Pile of Flix. As a film and a cinematic experience, "Calibre" is astounding in so many ways. From the level of sickness you feel in your stomach, to the beauty of the Scottish countryside, to the phenomenal acting and direction. This film really carries the viewer through a genuine and devastating experience. Giving away too much of the film here is a travesty suffice to say this film is a crime drama of sorts which explores the consequences of relatively good natured, well meaning friends in a tragic and desperate situation. I cannot push the spoiler warning enough on this film. If you are intrigued by the things you've read and either don't have feelings or are in the mood to have your heart broken please watch this film before you listen to the podcast.

Our friend John Brown once again makes an appearance on today's episode as we discuss "Cargo". On the surface this may seem like another run of the mill zombie movie...but...this one has a baby in it **wanking gesture**. We don't take long to say "Who the fuck cares?" and move on to greener conversational pastures. That doesn't mean we hated the film necessarily but the very idea of another zombie movie is tiresome at this point. While we all agree the acting and directing was serviceable there is literally nothing else to help this film stand out from the thousands of other zombie films in existence. As a result this episode has a laundry list of spoilers for other films including "Avengers:Infinity War" and minor spoilers for "Solo". Oh, we also spoil "Cargo" but so will the seven minute short this full length picture is based on and if we're being honest, the short film is probably a better use of your time.

Our film this week is the semi-biographical tale of how one of the worst movies ever made came to be. "The Disaster Artist" follows Tommy Wiseau and Greg Sestero (James and Dave Franco respectively) as they set out to film "The Room". While it was entertaining to get a look into the making of this notoriously terrible film the movie itself does little to expand upon the characters of Greg and Tommy. The film left us wanting to know more about certain aspects of their lives and personalities while simultaneously feeling pointless and shallow. Since this film is basically just one big spoiler for "The Room" we are at a loss as to indicate which film it is that we're spoiling...suffice to say there are spoilers.

If you were to make a list of all the characteristics of a typical 80's movie you would find nearly all of them in this week's film "The Running Man". Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger? Based on a Stephen King novel? Full of cheesy effects and one-liners? As an added bonus co-starring Family Feud host Richard Dawson? This film is definitive 80's...to mixed effect. Throughout our separate viewings we couldn't help but think of what could have made this film a better experience. While certainly not a chore to watch it's clear Arnold was the only draw of this film 30 years ago and by now we've seen enough Arnold movies to know there are much better options out there. Still, we had a fun discussion about this film and it's hard to say we spoiled it completely. Still going to issue the warning...there are enough spoilers here to warrant a viewing first.

This episode quickly devolved into a Shia LaBeouf hate fest as we discussed "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull". The latest chapter of the Indiana Jones saga has us wondering how they're going to write off the character of "Mutt" Williams in future film iterations. What should have been a fun and exciting throwback to the movies that shaped our childhood just....wasn't that. Where this film tries to be fun it ends up feeling contrived, where it tries to play on the viewer's nostalgia it feels insulting and then yeah...the aliens. We were really hard pressed to find anything positive to say about this film and if nothing else additional viewings left us feeling like this may be a film franchise that's best left in the 80's. If you've managed to avoid spoiling your childhood by viewing this film just know that we are up to the task.

This week's film is the backwoods, redneck heist film you never asked for and boy did Steven Soderbergh deliver...something extraordinarily mediocre. "Logan Lucky" feels like a Coen brothers movie that's been stripped of it's soul and forced to parade around in a pair of "Ocean's Eleven" underwear. Two Brothers plan a heist at a North Carolina NASCAR event but before they can carry out their plan they need to assemble a cast of quirky, underdeveloped characters. Part of the issue we had with this film is the number of side characters and their varied levels of zaniness. For every interesting character that was denied additional screentime there was a character that didn't need to exist. The Winter Soldier as a hippy, vegan NASCAR driver? Seth McFarlane as a mouthy British NASCAR promoter? Both of these characters exist and detract from developing other characters who are genuine and interesting. This film falls firmly into the average category which makes it hard to recommend. If you had any desire to see it though this is your obligatory spoiler warning.

The first quarter of our film this week "Gerald's Game" is like walking in on your parents as they're about to engage in coitus but instead of covering up and quickly dismissing you they decide to stand there minimally clothed and talk to you about your Uncle's retirement party on Saturday. Jessie and Gerald Burlingame are attempting to reinvigorate their sex lives with a trip to their house on the lake and a little BDSM...as you do. Things get a little too heated for both parties (in completely different ways) when Gerald suffers a heart attack leaving his wife handcuffed to the bed without any means of escape at her disposal. The remainder of the film sees Jessie lose her mind (but oddly enough never piss herself) as apparitions of both her and her dead husband take jabs at each other and Lurch from the Adam's family stands in the corner. The film has some really interesting story arcs which never really get the attention they deserve but all around solid performances from two really great actors. It's an all around decent film that won't likely wow you but also won't likely be a waste of your time either. As with all things be mindful, three dudes talking BDSM are likely to spoil something.

This week's film was the one and only "Battlefield Earth". Notoriously regarded as one of the worst films ever made, we were surprised to learn how watchable it is. Don't get us wrong....this is not a recommendation. However, for a film that's been so publicly maligned...and has ruined the career of all but two of the actors associated with it, the film is bad in a way that's still somewhat enjoyable. The story's hero Johnny Goodboy (yes, that his real fucking name in this film) finds himself in the sub servitude of the alien conquering race the Psychlos (yes, this is the real fucking name of the alien race in this film). One alien sees the humans as a way to exact revenge on his bureaucratic superiors and takes to teaching them enough to lead a revolt against the aliens. This is the plot of a story written by the great messiah L. Ron Hubbard, the father of scientology. Long meant to be an homage to the great leader, this film is more like a night at his grave where you drank a bottle of absinthe, sodomized a gopher and woke up with a solid rodent shit covered hard on buried in the ground. It is an atrocity, a disappointment, a figurative castration of human potential in all regards...but still kind of funny in what an awful and tremendous failure it is. I'm expending minimal energy on a spoiler warning for this one. Spoilers.

"Crank 2" was the film this week and for once I'm kind of at a loss for words. It reminds me of a Kyle Kinane joke where he talks about getting a blowjob from a girl with brain damage...it feels good...but you feel really bad about yourself afterwards. This is truly dumb, misogynistic, unapologetically racist action to a degree I didn't think existed (at least not this overtly) within the last decade of Hollywood history. As much as I hate to say it the film can be forgiven a lot of these grievances as it's ultimately a parody of itself. It also happens to be the last film David Carradine and Corey Haim ever made. If that all makes you feel a little weird so will this film. Still, as shallow and crass as it is it's hard to say that it isn't enjoyable. What's better is it's one of the few films I can honestly say we can't really spoil for anyone. It's so random and bizarre that there really isn't a way to talk about everything. We're on the fence about whether or not you should watch it or listen to the episode first. You choose, enjoy either way.

This week we saw Luc Besson fail tremendously to recapture his space epic glory days as we watched "Valerian and the film with too many fucking words in the god damn title". Staring two actors who barely pass as post pubescent and are supposedly the most elite military officers in the entire galaxy; Valerian is the story of awkward dialogue between people with no chemistry. Occasionally much more talented and competent actors will appear to remind you that you haven't crossed over to an alternate timeline where you regressed to an ape like intelligence and that you're just screaming and throwing feces at the television because the movie you're watching is infuriatingly awful. In addition to psychotic breaks, fits of rage and a general sense of utter despair this film has also been known to cause a loss of faith in the kind of god that would ever allow such excrement to be viewed by human eyes. If you decide to watch Valerian despite our "glowing" episode description then you deserve to have it spoiled.

This episode we discuss the pseudo horror/thriller "Open Grave". The film begins with our film's protagonist Jonah waking upon a pile of dead bodies with no recollection of who he is or how he ended up atop a mountain of rotting corpses. Once he's tossed a rope by a mysterious mute Chinese woman the quest to discover who he is and what's going on truly begins...to meander. Between the opening and closing scenes of this film it's remarkable how little truly happens. Suffice to say it all reaches a lackluster climax that makes you wish any of the other plot possibilities which you undoubtedly considered between the scenes (spoiler) of people walking through fields had been a reality. For a film with such a strong premise, it quickly devolves into sub standard horror schlock with no reason to invest yourself. In the rare (and ill-advised) case that you really wanted to see this film we spoil it immediately...you have been warned (not to watch it...and of spoilers I suppose).

This week's film "The ritual" is basically a slightly better version of "The Blair Witch" remake or a considerably worse version of the film the "The Descent". The set up to the film is so painfully contrived you could probably write the next two sentences of the synopsis based off "Four friends go on a hiking trip through the Swedish wilderness". One of them sustains a substantial injury that forces them to take a short cut through a creepy forest...cryptic totems start appearing on the tree branches...they come across a creepy cabin...strange events begin to haunt the party. Does this all seem familiar? That's because it's basically the same film as literally a dozen others that you have no doubt seen or at least heard about in the last decade. What elevates this film slightly above the rest is the beautiful cinematography, serviceable acting and the fantastic monster reveal. This picture gets a somewhat reluctant thumbs up as the creature is one of the best in recent memory...the rest of the film however is only ever "okay". We spoil the film early on and spend the last half of this episode talking games...we had to fill it with something of substance.