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Part 1 can be found on The A to Z of Sex.   Welcome to Sex Spoken Here. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones.   Intimacy is defined as a close familiarity, deeply knowing another person.  Emotional intimacy is built by getting to know someone deeply – sharing confidences.  Physical intimacy includes many forms of sexual contact.   Joining me today is Georgia Rose, found of G’s Spot – her digital platrom that is devoted to female sexual pleasure and sensuality.  She says she has ‘launched this digital platform because it has profoundly affected me that beneath the projection of a progressive, educated and liberated society there lies the murky reality that female sexuality is still largely misunderstood, mystified and miscommunicated and I want to do something to change that.’  She has carried out her own survey on female sexual pleasure and over 500 people have completed it.  She is using her data and her platform to open up conversations about female sexuality that place the female body and experience at the core.   www.gs/spot.co.uk @georgias_spot   Thanks for joining me for the Sex Spoken Here this week. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com , follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.  Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  For a free 30-minute discovery session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/ and head to my contact page to click on my calendar and schedule directly.  Look out for my new radio show in January. If you enjoy the show, please leave me a review on iTunes and Stitcher.

Please enjoy again:   Sex Spoken Here: Sex Love Stories:  R   Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.  Today we will be talking about bisexuality and BDSM. Joining me is Rudo Mashongomende.  She is 33 years old, bisexual and she works in fashion. She has always been drawn to the world of BDSM but always felt, or was made to feel that it was a sordid world, so clearly she was perverted. She realises now that even as a teen she didn’t mind that, but finding like minded people, just to discuss it was the problem. She found Scarlet Ladies this year, and she was proudly part of their #italksex campaign. Turning 30 was very positive for her because she finally felt like she was in her prime, so she is allowing herself to do things she’s always been curious about. She went to her first Torture Garden last month, and she will now go to fetish events regularly, say once a every month or two. She has two subs whom she has just acquired, so she’s enjoying building dynamics with each of them. Being dominant feels so wonderfully natural, and is an effective outlet for the stresses of everyday life!   I asked Rudo to tell me about her background and culture.   Rudo is Black British and is proud of this identification.   She was raised Catholic and by choice attended church until she was 18.   I asked about her first sexual awareness and she told me that she first found she had an interest in some of the catalogue models in the men’s underwear section when she was about 11.  She spoke of noticing ‘the bulges’ and having a physical response and even cutting out one picture to keep.  She spoke about losing her virginity at 17 to a boyfriend and that this was a really positive experience.  We spoke about how lucky she was to have a positive first sexual experience and she says that she still remembers it well.    Rudo talked about being heterosexual through university.   She told me she went to school in Brighton and that she went to a few gay bars and was aware of an attraction to women but didn’t want to act on it or even fully acknowledge this.  She spoke about moving back to London and living with a partner for 5 years and during that relationship telling him that she realised she was attracted to women and wanted to have a threesome to explore this attraction.   In the end, this didn’t happen and it wasn’t until after the relationship ended that she began to explore.   Rudo talked about finding a group through Meetup and making friends with bisexual women and that meeting people to experiment with flowed from here.    From there, we spoke about her interest in BDSM.  She spoke about enjoying power exchange and enjoying being dominant.  She spoke about finding partners through the Whiplr app and we talked a bit about the use of apps to find partners.   Finally we talked about Scarlet Ladies and the #italksex campaign and 23 Paul Street.  Rudo spoke of her belief in gender equality especially when it comes to sex and desire.  She spoke of the importance of speaking out in public so that change happens.  We spoke about the joys of Scarlet Ladies and the wonders of 23 Paul Street.   You can find Rudo at: https://www.scarletladiestalk.com/italksex-because-they-cant-we-can-and-we-should/ https://twitter.com/stylist_face https://instagram.com/stylist_face   23 Paul Street is the Gentleman’s Club we discussed. You can find out more about Scarlet Ladies

Please enjoy again: BDSM and Power Exchange Part 4   Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here.  Thanks for joining me for part 4 of this series on BDSM and Power Exchange.  Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones. In parts 1-3 of this series we examined BDSM and power exchange from a number of angles.  This week, I look at the practicalities for getting started if BDSM and power exchange turn you on. I will start with things everyone needs to consider whether partnered or un-partnered.  Then I will give specifics for singles.  I will follow this with specifics for couples.  Where to start?  You might want to grab something to write with and some paper now.  Some people believe they need to work out every detail before actually leaving the house.  Not only isn’t this a good idea but it isn’t possible.  You won’t know exactly what you will enjoy until you have begun to experiment.  I advise not to think in terms of NEVER or ALWAYS.  Even some hard limits may shift after some time.    However, it is a good idea to have an idea of your current limits, interests and desires.    Start with the shape of your relationship.  If you are single, decide if you are looking for one person or people to experiment with, or if you are looking for one relationship that will include BDSM as part of the relationship or more than one relationship (and if only one or more than one will include BDSM).  If you are partnered, are you going to involve anyone else in your exploration of BDSM and power exchange? Next consider whether you are going to explore in public venues or in private on your own or both.  Many people enjoy going to public venues (like Torture Garden in London, UK) or private parties (which are still public as you are playing in the presence of other people) or at public events (like Weekend Reunion in New Jersey in the US every August or Master slave Conference which happens annually in the Washington DC area usually Labor Day weekend).  Some people prefer to experiment on their own at home and not to attend any events.   There are pros and cons to both. Pros to going to events where there are other people present: You can meet people who you might want to play with. Events are a good place to connect with others who may share your interests and desires.  Meeting people in person is still the best way to figure out if you are compatible and also to get a sense of trustworthiness.  Most of us get gut feelings when we meet people and if we feel uncomfortable can walk away from any potential relationship right then.    Meeting people online can be useful but until you make contact face to face, you won’t truly know if there is any chance of things progressing.  Some events have only a few attendees and others have thousands. You can meet people who you might wish to learn from. Experienced people often attend public events and that gives newer people the opportunity to watch them and also to learn from them.  Sometimes you can get actual instruction and other times the opportunity to arrange a time to learn from them.    It is a good idea to get some hands on instruction to learn things like flogging, using a single tail whip or bullwhip, suspension bondage, needle play or any kind of edge play.  There are many other things where you can benefit from instruction.  You can enjoy watching others play. Watching others play is really hot.  It gives you the opportunity to see a variety of activities which will help you to decide if that is something you might want to try.  Sometimes watching helps people to eliminate activities as well. You can enjoy being watched by others. Some people get really turned on

Please enjoy again: Sex Spoken Here: BDSM and Power Exchange   Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   Last week I explored the practicalities for beginning to explore BDSM and Power Exchange.  This week I explore basic rules for events and resources for BDSM online and in the community.    If you haven’t heard the first four of the BDSM and Power Exchange Series, I suggest you download them.  The first two include interviews with Dr Kevin Boileau and cover some of the theory and emotional issues, the third in the series includes an interview with Pharoah Khaf Ra and Empress Nahara who are a lifestyle dominant couple and last week I started with practicalities like figuring out if you are dominant or submissive. I have talked about getting ready to step out and explore BDSM and power exchange whether you are doing it in private or in public.    But many people have no idea where to begin to look to meet people, for events or for clothing and accessories.  First I want to highlight that you don’t need to spend lots of money on special clothing and toys.    Most events have a dress code but most of them also will accept scant clothing (as close to nakedness as is legal in that jurisdiction) or being dressed all in black.   The dress code is supposed to encourage people to make an effort to get involved, look and feel sexy and to discourage those people who come along to gawk.  Gawking is different from watching when you are a proper voyeur.  Gawking is when someone comes to watch all the strange people and has no intention of getting involved in any way and when someone doesn’t observe basic courtesy either.  Basic courtesy includes: Don’t interfere in someone else’s scene.  If they are doing something you find interesting, watch from an appropriate distance.  That means don’t watch from 2 inches away.  I was once involved in a scene with a woman where I was performing oral sex on her and a man came and sat so close too watch that his face was almost between my mouth and her pussy.  He was told very firmly to move away.  When people are using floggers, whips and canes if you get within the circle of the stroke you will get injured and really annoy the person who is doing the beating.  Also, when people are in a scene, it creates a bubble and they are likely to be unaware of the outside world.  When someone blunders in, they break the bubble and the distraction can ruin the entire scene because it interrupts the energy flow.  Energy builds in a scene to a peak just like it does in sex when it builds to orgasm. No means no. Just because someone is at a public event does not mean they are there to play with everyone.  If someone says no, please respect it. Observe protocols.  Even if you find it strange to have to ask someone’s Master or Mistress to talk with them, please follow their protocols.  It is a means of demonstrating respect.  You can ask about reasons or the origins of the protocol but ultimately following it is the best way to show respect. Don’t spend time talking or asking questions in active areas of play.  This disrupts the energy and disrupts the scene.  There are usually conversation areas and people are usually happy to answer questions after the scene.  Remember that after care is part of the scene. Don’t make assumptions about role, gender, sexuality, sexual orientation.  Ask instead of assuming. Where to meet people online: There are lots of resources to meet people online.  Fetlife.com  is a social media site for people who like fetishes including BDSM and power exchange.  There are lots of different groups once you...

Susan Wright founded the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom in 1997, and currently serves as Chairperson and Director of Incident Reporting & Response. Susan also serves on the advocacy committees for AASECT, the Kink Clinician Guidelines, the Kink Knowledgeable Program, and the Diverse Sexualities Research Education Institute. Susan has conducted six surveys on discrimination and violence against BDSM practitioners; consent practices and attitudes; and the mental and physical health of BDSM and non-monogamy practitioners that have been published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, Journal of Sexual Medicine, Journal of Behavioral Health Services & Research, International Journal of Social Psychiatry, Journal of Trauma and Dissociation and Journal of Homosexuality.   In this two part talk, we started by speaking about the reasons for founding the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom and the projects they have been involved in.  Susan talked about the research that NCSF has done on BDSM, relationship styles, polyamory and consent and that these have been the largest surveys done so far.  The research has demonstrated the psychological health of people involved in these alternative relationships and alternative sexual practices and was part of the evidence that caused the APA to modify the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders –V so that the vast majority of people practicing BDSM and/or polyamory no longer qualify for a diagnosis of paraphilia in relationship to their sexual and relationship choices.    We spent a lot of time talking about consent incidents and how we as a community identify these, manage these and apply sanctions.  Susan spoke about the groups that they work with.  The NCSF has developed a framework and a lot of resources for community groups and businesses around defining and dealing with consent incidents.    We spoke about the NCSF’s role in educating law enforcement, psychologists and other mental health professionals.  NCSF hosts the Kink Aware Professionals list which is an international list of  mental health professionals, medical doctors, lawyers and other professionals who are kink aware.  The NCSF regularly educates professionals about BDSM and other alternative lifestyles and sexual practices.   We spoke about how important it is for individuals to be educated about consent and that some of the research that NCSF has done has found that 75% of consent violations happen with people who are in their first 3 years of being involved with BDSM.    We spoke about how individuals and groups handle consent incidents and the differences between someone making an error and someone being a repeat offender.  We spoke about needing to get information first hand if you are to make a judgement on a situation and that one of the problems is that often people don’t have first hand information and are being asked to make a judgement.  We spoke about liability for people organising events and conferences and how important education is to limit liability and that decisions around excluding someone from an event are often taken because of liability issues.   NCSF has also educated people in the hospitality industry and made it possible for events and conferences to be held at these venues.    We finished up recognising that we had not managed to cover all the topics we set out to cover and will be doing another show on custody and divorce soon.   Susan Wright can be found at www.ncsfreedom.org Twitter @ncsf Facebook: http:www.facebook.com/NCSFreedom   This week we talked about:  Consent violations,   consent definitions, education and the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF).  If any topics that we brought up caused you concern or triggered you, please write to me at

    Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.      This week I am interviewing Mason deRou.  Master Mason deRou is a primal Master who began his walk into the public kink scene in 2009.  He has dominion over Miss Kimi deRou and together they form La Maison deRou.  Mason is also the commander of La Meute de Rougaroux (the Rougarou Pack).  He is a uniform fetishist, pony trainer, erotic photographer and also loves the littles.  Mason leverages his relative y9outh to build bridges among several kinky tribes and subcultures, allowing the voices of both past and current generations of kinksters to be heard.  Mason has presented at BESS, Black Rose, CLUE, Weekend Reunion and several MaST chapters.  Mason is the president of the Master-Dominant Consortium and is one of the founding members of the Leather Houses of Color Coalition.  He is a member of MAsT DC Pan and MAsT Washington and is also an alumnus of the MTTA Academy (Master Training XX).  Mason resides in southern Maryland.       Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook. Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/and click the button that says click here! on the contact page. Please leave a review on iTunes and stitcher if you enjoy the show. I look forward to seeing you next week.

I'm sorry for the mix up, here is Mama Vi part 1:       Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.      I had the privilege of interviewing Mama Vi Johnson when I was at Master slave Conference in August 2018.  Viola Johnson is a leather woman, vampire and author who has been active in the leather BDSM scene for over three decades. A mentor and confidante to many in the fetish world, she has a special fondness for the ‘boys’ of our community, and those who choose to serve as slaves and sub missives. Viola is the wife of Jill Carter, International Ms Leather 1996. Viola had the distinction of winning the “Lifetime Achievement Award” from Pantheon of Leather and The National Leather Association, making her the only person to receive both awards in the same year. In August of 2007 she was honored with the first Lifetime Achievement Award given by Black Beat. Viola is also the recipient of the Pantheon of Leather “Woman of the Year” award, The Jack Stice Award and the Slave Heart Award. In January 2012, Viola received within 8 days of the Master Steve’s Golden Paintbrush Awards at Southwest Leather Conference in Arizona and the Leather Leadership Award at the Creating Change Conference in Baltimore sponsored by the Gay & Lesbian Task Force. Viola is the author of two books, Dhampir and To Love, To Obey, To Serve. Currently, she is working on her third book, a follow up To Love, To Obey, To Serve Mama Vi and her wife Jill Carter started and hosted the Carter Johnson Leather library.  It has a home in Indiana and a variety of outposts.  Sections of the library are taken to many events so that the public can learn from the original source material about our leather and sexual history.   I started by asking Mama Vi about her fears for the future.  She began by talking from an historian’s perspective about what it means when people cannot read cursive and when books are scanned and the paper versions are being destroyed.    We spoke about the fact that recordings can be altered.  So that facts can be changed, nuance lost, meanings lost.  She points out that if a child can’t read cursive they must accept as fact what is shown to them.    We moved on to talk about the fact that often people feel desires and attractions often before they have words to explain them.  So they feel odd and outcast and strange and if you don’t have the words – and give them the words – the negative impact is incredible.  Low self-esteem, outcast, separate, others.  Mama Vi talks about being filled with the family stories as she was growing up which helped her to know who she was and because she knew who she was, she had pride and she had the foundation that has lasted until this day.    We spoke about the fact that we are not teaching our next generation who they are so they can have this foundation.  She points out that why are not giving our children the armour that they need.    There are retorts to all of the taunts (faggot, lesbian, pervert) but we are not teaching our children and so not giving them that armour and the world is getting tougher.   The passion that is the reasoning behind the library – is to give them the armour – ‘You don’t get to burn my kids history because ultimately that will mean you burn my kids.’   We ended part 1 starting to talk about sex education and the fact that in many places it has gone backwards.  Children are being taught that all they need to know is abstinence.  For part 2 of this interview, listen to the A to Z of Sex Ò B is for Book Burning. Part 3 is on Sex Spoken Here as an audio podcast only. Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   Politics trigger warning:  In this episode, we talk about politics – a lot.   I had the privilege of interviewing Mama Vi Johnson when I was at Master slave Conference in August 2018.  Viola Johnson is a leather woman, vampire and author who has been active in the leather BDSM scene for over three decades. A mentor and confidante to many in the fetish world, she has a special fondness for the ‘boys’ of our community, and those who choose to serve as slaves and sub missives. Viola is the wife of Jill Carter, International Ms Leather 1996. Viola had the distinction of winning the “Lifetime Achievement Award” from Pantheon of Leather and The National Leather Association, making her the only person to receive both awards in the same year. In August of 2007 she was honored with the first Lifetime Achievement Award given by Black Beat. Viola is also the recipient of the Pantheon of Leather “Woman of the Year” award, The Jack Stice Award and the Slave Heart Award. In January 2012, Viola received within 8 days of the Master Steve’s Golden Paintbrush Awards at Southwest Leather Conference in Arizona and the Leather Leadership Award at the Creating Change Conference in Baltimore sponsored by the Gay & Lesbian Task Force. Viola is the author of two books, Dhampir and To Love, To Obey, To Serve. Currently, she is working on her third book, a follow up To Love, To Obey, To Serve Mama Vi and her wife Jill Carter started and host the Carter Johnson Leather library.  It has a home in Indiana and a variety of outposts.  Sections of the library are taken to many events so that the public can learn from the original source material about our leather and sexual history.   This is part 3 and the final part of my interview.  Part one can be found on last week’s Sex Spoken Here episode – vlog on YouTube and podcast only where ever you get your podcasts.  Part 2 podcast can be found on the A to Z of Sex Ò where ever you get your podcasts or on my websites (links on the notes).   We started by talking about how the political situation has moved to where we are now.  Mama Vi points out ‘Evil manifests where good loves to hide’.  We talk about being at an event where people come to learn and that over the years they have learned to feel safe and take the safety back into the world because they have pride in who they are.  We have to stand up and be counted, be seen, do what is necessary and speak out to protect our communities, our lives, our history as if we don’t do this we won’t have a future.    We spoke about whether people can follow through.  Mama Vi said she looks at the little triumphs – like someone grabbing a transgender boy and saying, come on, I’ll take you into the bathroom. … It’s easy to give a dime to a beggar – far more difficult to help them take the steps that will help them get themselves together.’   We spoke about the fact that the more of us who are speaking our truth, the harder it is to erase us.   Viola went on to talk about Texas Bill Number 6 – which was the right to nullify any agreement between legal strangers.  This has impact because if you are not married, you are a legal stranger.  We moved on to how inaction/laziness/arrogance by not voting led to Brexit.   We finished with concerns about the future of democracy in America because of the lack of trust in the system of elections.  And this brought us full circle – with Maryland wanting to go back to paper ballot so that there is a back up check. The original source material being so important.   Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at

Master Black Zeus Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this Vlog deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones. This is part 2 of my interview with Master Black Zeus.  Part one can be found on the A to Z of Sex podcast, Z is for Black Zeus. I had the opportunity interview Master Black Zeus during Master Slave Conference 2018.  He is a community elder who entered the leather community in 1986 when he was mentored and introduced into the community by a gay leatherman who he rode motorcycles with.  Like many who engage in BDSM and/or are part of the leather community, he began his journey anonymously so as not to cause problems in his daily life.  He entered the public scene in 1997 by joining Black Rose and attending a number of classes and events.   He developed a website and began to host regular online educational events.  He is a member of MAsT Las Vegas and hosts the ISA Network video conferences.   We continued our conversation by talking about the differences between D/s and M/s relationships.   He talks about teaching power exchange (PE) versus total power exchange (TPE) and also talks about erotic power exchange which is solely for the erotic potential of the exchange.   We spoke about the models coming into BDSM, kink and leather.  We spoke about the fact that lots of things get eroticised because of the authority transfer.    So that some service activities become erotic because they are part of the service.     Master Black Zeus says that it is important to talk about more than kink when talking BDSM and that we are talking about relationship building.  He talked about the fact that there was a big thing made in his local community when they found out that he played with men.   He went on to say that being a dominant and a sadist, he can enjoy playing with people of all genders.   I point out that often times sexual orientation doesn’t enter into this because it is all about the dominance and submission, about the sadism and masochism and that means you can play with someone who is not of your usual preferred orientation or gender.   The conversation turned round to respect, relationships, consent and HIV.  We talked about sexual health and the importance of knowing about your sexual health status.  We spoke about the illusion that PREP means there is no epidemic anymore.  We spoke about all the other diseases that are around and how important regular sexual health screening is.    We finished by talking about what is important if you are going to engage in a BDSM lifestyle.   We talked about the fact that we all make mistakes and apologising and learning from mistakes is essential.  No one is perfect.    Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter and instagram @drbisbey. For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com and head to the contact page and click the button that says Schedule Now! I look forward to seeing you next week  

Sex Spoken Here Pam Costa   Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this Vlog deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   Today I am on location, in NJ, in my childhood bedroom, and we are talking about what happens when you discover that you and your partner have mismatched levels of desire.  It is often not easy to spot this at the beginning of a relationship because of the excitement and energy that new relationships bring.  Once you are in a long term relationship, the mismatch becomes apparent and that is when the difficulties begin.       Joining me to discuss this topic is Pam Costa founder of Down to There. After a decade-and-a-half at Apple and Facebook, Pam left her career in high tech to found Down To There to share her real-life stories of challenges and successes around sexuality in her marriage. Through her writing, speaking and coaching, she hopes to inspire individuals and couples to find ways to renew and deepen desire and intimacy in their own relationships.   Pam is also passionate about raising awareness within the medical and mental health communities about the positive impact of peer support on female sexual health, recently presenting her research on this topic at the 2018 International Society for the Study of Women’s Sexual Health conference and TEDx Palo Alto.   We talked about how important your history can be, the messages you received in childhood about sex, to determining your current adult view about sex. We talked about how many people have issues with sexual desire and that often there is nothing physically wrong.  Pam talked of being someone who often couldn’t tell if she wanted to have sex until she was already involved.  There are many people whose libido is response driven.  It means that more conversations have to occur.  We talked about being disconnected from your body and she said she asks her clients if they feel like ‘floating heads’.    We spoke about the importance of good judgmenet free sex education for all and the importance of peer support as well as coaching and therapy.    We talked of using multiple mediums to learn and for support. We spoke about how men’s genitals are obvious and so there is an additional cue to having sexual desire and feelings and women having the clitoris hidden can find it more difficult to connect to their bodies.  We spoke about masturbation and learning about desire.   To find Pam, head to downtothere.com.  Check out these links as well: Blog: Why I started a blog about sex Circles: Free content for women to talk to their friends about sex TEDx Talk: Reclaiming Female Sexual Desire   Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter and instagram @drbisbey.  For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com and head to the contact page and click the button that says Schedule Now!  I look forward to seeing you next week  

Sex Spoken Here Pam Costa   Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this Vlog deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   Today I am on location, in NJ, in my childhood bedroom, and we are talking about what happens when you discover that you and your partner have mismatched levels of desire.  It is often not easy to spot this at the beginning of a relationship because of the excitement and energy that new relationships bring.  Once you are in a long term relationship, the mismatch becomes apparent and that is when the difficulties begin.       Joining me to discuss this topic is Pam Costa founder of Down to There. After a decade-and-a-half at Apple and Facebook, Pam left her career in high tech to found Down To There to share her real-life stories of challenges and successes around sexuality in her marriage. Through her writing, speaking and coaching, she hopes to inspire individuals and couples to find ways to renew and deepen desire and intimacy in their own relationships.   Pam is also passionate about raising awareness within the medical and mental health communities about the positive impact of peer support on female sexual health, recently presenting her research on this topic at the 2018 International Society for the Study of Women’s Sexual Health conference and TEDx Palo Alto.   We talked about how important your history can be, the messages you received in childhood about sex, to determining your current adult view about sex. We talked about how many people have issues with sexual desire and that often there is nothing physically wrong.  Pam talked of being someone who often couldn’t tell if she wanted to have sex until she was already involved.  There are many people whose libido is response driven.  It means that more conversations have to occur.  We talked about being disconnected from your body and she said she asks her clients if they feel like ‘floating heads’.    We spoke about the importance of good judgmenet free sex education for all and the importance of peer support as well as coaching and therapy.    We talked of using multiple mediums to learn and for support. We spoke about how men’s genitals are obvious and so there is an additional cue to having sexual desire and feelings and women having the clitoris hidden can find it more difficult to connect to their bodies.  We spoke about masturbation and learning about desire.   To find Pam, head to downtothere.com.  Check out these links as well: Blog: Why I started a blog about sex Circles: Free content for women to talk to their friends about sex TEDx Talk: Reclaiming Female Sexual Desire   Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter and instagram @drbisbey.  For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com and head to the contact page and click the button that says Schedule Now!  I look forward to seeing you next week  

Sex Spoken Here Pam Costa   Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this Vlog deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   Today I am on location, in NJ, in my childhood bedroom, and we are talking about what happens when you discover that you and your partner have mismatched levels of desire.  It is often not easy to spot this at the beginning of a relationship because of the excitement and energy that new relationships bring.  Once you are in a long term relationship, the mismatch becomes apparent and that is when the difficulties begin.       Joining me to discuss this topic is Pam Costa founder of Down to There. After a decade-and-a-half at Apple and Facebook, Pam left her career in high tech to found Down To There to share her real-life stories of challenges and successes around sexuality in her marriage. Through her writing, speaking and coaching, she hopes to inspire individuals and couples to find ways to renew and deepen desire and intimacy in their own relationships.   Pam is also passionate about raising awareness within the medical and mental health communities about the positive impact of peer support on female sexual health, recently presenting her research on this topic at the 2018 International Society for the Study of Women’s Sexual Health conference and TEDx Palo Alto.   We talked about how important your history can be, the messages you received in childhood about sex, to determining your current adult view about sex. We talked about how many people have issues with sexual desire and that often there is nothing physically wrong.  Pam talked of being someone who often couldn’t tell if she wanted to have sex until she was already involved.  There are many people whose libido is response driven.  It means that more conversations have to occur.  We talked about being disconnected from your body and she said she asks her clients if they feel like ‘floating heads’.    We spoke about the importance of good judgmenet free sex education for all and the importance of peer support as well as coaching and therapy.    We talked of using multiple mediums to learn and for support. We spoke about how men’s genitals are obvious and so there is an additional cue to having sexual desire and feelings and women having the clitoris hidden can find it more difficult to connect to their bodies.  We spoke about masturbation and learning about desire.   To find Pam, head to downtothere.com.  Check out these links as well: Blog: Why I started a blog about sex Circles: Free content for women to talk to their friends about sex TEDx Talk: Reclaiming Female Sexual Desire   Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter and instagram @drbisbey. For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com and head to the contact page and click the button that says Schedule Now!  I look forward to seeing you next week

Sex Spoken Here Is Polyamory for You   Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this Vlog deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones. polyamory and non-monogamy have become incredibly trendy in the last few years.  One of the main reasons people give for non-monogamy is how hard it is for one person to meet all of your needs.     People who are monogamous and have strong friendship networks as well know this as well.  They look to their friendship networks and their families to meet needs that their partners do not meet.  However, the myth that your partner should be your everything still persists.  Many people end up in relationship therapy or ending their relationships because their partner does not meet all their needs.    The idea that I am responsible for my own needs is one that is only just really gaining popularity.  It is hard to take responsibility for your own needs.  It requires the ability to first to distinguish between needs and wants.   Then it requires the ability to acknowledge your needs and accept them.   Finally it requires the person to take responsibility for getting their needs met – with the understanding that prioritising can become very difficult when trying to balance needs.    In non-monogamous relationships, multiple partners, friends and families meet needs.  Having more people who are committed to you available to help meet your needs is a big bonus.  And it adds lots of complication as there are more people whose needs must be met and balanced, juggled and prioritised.   How do you know if polyamory is for you?   Do you love emotionally intimate relationships?  Do you find yourself falling in love with more than one person at a time?  If so, then polyamory might well be a good fit for you.    Have you had difficulty remaining faithful in monogamous relationships? This can be an indication that non-monogamy would be a better choice for you.  However, this depends on why you had difficulty remaining faithful.   Affairs are possible in polyamorous relationships.  Whenever someone is dishonest and secretive about other relationships it is a problem.  If you break the rules of your non-monogamous relationship, that is an affair.  If your difficulty in remaining faithful is because you fall in love often or feel you have more love to share, then non-monogamy may well work.  If it is because you find it hard to commit or you tend to be impulsive or you find honest communication difficult, then it is not going to work any better than non-monogamy and in fact may even be worse for you.   Do you like to share your life with more than one person?  If so, non-monogamy may well be ideal.   Are you an expert communicator (or willing to learn), happy to negotiate to get your needs met? Good communication is essential to all relationships.  Great communication is vital to polyamorous relationships.  All non-monogamy takes far more communication than monogamous relationships.  This probably seems obvious  - more people = more communication.    Metacommunication is necessary as well.  As I have said previously, metacommunication is when we talk about how we communicate and what we communicate, how often we communicate.  It creates the structure around the rest of our communication, the rules for communication.    Are you possessive? If so, polyamory may be problematic for you.  Possessiveness makes polyamory very hard.  Some people still manage to be polyamorous and possessive.  These people tend to form closed group relationships or engage in authority transfer based relationships where they are the owners and the others they are in relationship with are the property.  If you don’t gravitate towards that type of...

Sex Spoken Here Vlog Rewards and Punishments   Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this Vlog deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   Today I am talking about rewards and punishments.  This may seem an unusual topic for sex and relationships.  However, I was talking about authority transfer based relationships recently with a friend about rewards and punishments and when I thought more about it, the topic applies to other relationships as well.   Rewards are the things that feel good to us.  Punishments are the things that don’t feel good to us.  If you want to shape behaviour, using both can work extremely well.  One thing I have noticed working with people over the years is that often others make assumptions about what their partner or child will find rewarding or punishing.  If you get this wrong, you will not get the effect you are looking for.   Often parents send children to their room as a punishment.  However, usually, in a child’s room is all their favourite things – laptop, tablet, phone, toys, stuffed toys, etc.  So being sent to their room is actually a reward as they are being given time to go play on their own.   I advise couples to discuss what they find rewarding and punishing.  For example, one partner might find time and undivided attention to be the best way of showing them how much they are loved.  Another might want lots of presents.      I also advise couples to look at their expectations at the same time.  Making agreements about expectations, rewards and punishments can strengthen a relationship.   In authority transfer based relationships, spelling out rewards and punishments is common.  Again it is important to make sure that a punishment is truly a punishment and a reward truly a reward.   It is useful too look at what type of system works best for your person.  Some people modify behaviour best as a result of being rewarded when they do well.  Others work best when they are punished for doing wrong.    It is important to remember that we can only truly control ourselves so truly to modify someone else’s behaviour does not have guaranteed results.  It is also essential to have consent from the person whose behaviour you are seeking to modify.   If you are interested in the history of behaviour modification, have a look at Pavlov’s work and BF Skinner’s work. Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter and instagram @drbisbey. For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com and head to the contact page and click the button that says Schedule Now! I look forward to seeing you next week.

Sex Spoken Here Vlog Intro   Hi everyone.  This week begins the first Sex Spoken Here Vlog. From now on, a video will be published on YouTube here, the audio will remain available as a podcast through Apple podcast, Stitcher, Libsyn etc and published on my website.    Podcast notes will be on my website and Libsyn etc.    I will be on my own some, joined by some amazing guests and sometimes out and about. Please subscribe to my YouTube channel to keep up to date!   Thanks for listening to Sex Spoken Here and I look forward to presenting things for you to watch and seeing you soon.

Please enjoy again: Care and Feeding of the Penis Part 2 Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   Today I finish my series about the care and feeding of the penis.  Joining me today is Dr Pat Williams. Dr. Pat has been a psychologist and Life coach for over three decades and focuses on people living on purpose, mentally, emotionally, and physically and spiritually.   Patrick Williams, Ed.D., MCC, is founder of The Institute for Life Coach Training, the first-of-its-kind training institute that specializes in training psychotherapists, psychologists, counsellors and helping professionals in building a successful coaching practice. He was licensed as a psychologist in 1980 and began executive coaching in 1990 with Hewlett Packard, IBM and Kodak. He was an International Coach Federation founding member and one of the first Master Certified Coaches. Dr Pat is a past ICF board member and past president of ACTO, (Association of Coach Training Organizations) and honorary VP of the International Society for Coaching Psychology Pat’s graduate education is in Humanistic and Transpersonal Psychology.   He co-authored Therapist as Life Coach: Transforming Your Practice and Total Life Coaching: 50+ Life Lessons, Skills, and Techniques to Enhance your Practice and Your life.  His best-selling book (with Diane Menendez), is Becoming a Professional Life Coach: Lessons from the Institute for Life Coach Training.    Pat also co-edited Law and Ethics of Coaching used at many academic institutions and training schools. His newest book,  Getting Naked: On Emotional Transparency at the Right Time, the Right Place and with the Right Person is available on Amazon and audiobooks.   We spent most of our time talking about how important it is to be authentic with a partner and to show up authentically.  Dr Pat spoke about the importance of being able to be naked emotionally with a partner before, during and after sex and we talked about how hard it is for men to be emotionally naked.    Dr Pat suggested that the millennials find sharing emotions easier and I agreed but said that we have not yet made as much progress as I had hoped.  Dr Pat suggested that there should be a broadway show ‘The Penis Monologues’ to compliment the Vagina Monologues and I agreed that this would be a brilliant idea.    We both agreed that men and women still find it hard to create that safe space where they can explore their emotions, work through difficult issues and bring their full selves – warts and all.   Dr Pat spoke about how many couples would have longer lasting relationships if they learned to express their full selves and how to work with the ups and downs in relationships.  We spoke about how men are not often taught how to deal with the different issues that arise at different stages of life.  I briefly mentioned the changes men go through physically and emotionally as they get older.  We then talked about how important touch is for all human beings.  Dr Pat highlighted that people are meant to be in relationship to each other.  I agreed and pointed out that people need to learn themselves first and he highlighted that people also learn themselves in relationships.   You can find Dr Pat at: Website: http://drpatwilliams.com Free gift for listeners: www.drpatwilliams.com/winner Facebook: http://facebook.com/doccoach Linked In: https://www.linkedin.com/in/drpatwilliams/ Twitter: @drpatcoach He is also an expert on Yourtango.com and has a channel on the BonBonNetwork. Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken...

Please enjoy again:   Sex Spoken Here: Let’s Talk about Gender part 3   Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   Today I am continuing my series about gender.   Joining me today to continue the discussion is Dr Meg-John Barker. They are a writer, therapist, and activist-academic specialising in sex, gender and relationships. Meg-John is a senior lecturer in psychology at the Open University and a UKCP accredited psychotherapist, and has over a decade of experience researching and publishing on these topics including the popular books Rewriting the Rules, The Secrets of Enduring Love and Queer: A Graphic History.   We started by talking about language and definitions.  Meg-John highlighted that non-binary is the overarching term used now for anyone who doesn’t identify as male or female.  We spoke about how many other terms there are that fall under non-binary including but not limited to: gender queer, gender fluid, demi (boy, girl), trans.  We spoke about how hard it is for people to understand the gender journey and how important it is for everyone to look at this journey as even folks who are happy with the gender assigned at birth go through gender changes throughout the life span.  Meg-John used the example of a woman going on the pill which is taking hormones and a woman who has had breast cancer and her breasts removed as a result having to look at how she expresses her female gender.  They also mentioned men who have larger boobs and choose to do breast reduction or men who take steroids to do body building.   Gender does not stay static through the life span.   We spoke about how hard people find ambivalence and uncertainty and how badly people want to categorise and box people, places and things.  We talked about how much pressure there can be for trans people to make the decision to transition and then do it quickly and that this is unhelpful.  We both feel this comes from the difficulty people have with uncertainty and ambivalence in part.   We talked about how gender is not just socially influenced but that it is biologically influenced as well and that sex is not just biological but can and is socially influenced.    We spoke about Meg-John’s book coming out in the autumn which is about how to figure out issues around your gender.  We noted that having a gender identification outside of male or female seems to upset people more than issues around sexuality, kink and polyamory versus monogamy.   You can find Dr Meg-John Barker at: Website: www.rewriting-the-rules.com. Twitter: @megjohnbarker. All of their books are available on the website.  Check out their podcast: Meg-John and Justin Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook..  Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!  I look forward to seeing you next week.      

Please enjoy again: Sex Spoken Here:  Choosing the Right Sex Toy     Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   This week I am talking about choosing the right sex toy.   Joining me today, is Katy, the public relations director and resident sexologist at Adam and Eve.   Katy is a native of Tennessee (Go Vols!) and a graduate of the University of Tennessee, Knoxville, with a B.S. in Journalism and Public Relations. After working for Maytag and in publishing in New York, she started working at Adam & Eve in November of 1993 as a catalog copywriter (remember catalogs?!). In 1997, Katy was promoted to Adam & Eve Director of Public Relations. She received her certification in Clinical Sexology in 2017 and holds an Associate in Sex Education from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. She is currently working towards her AASECT certification as a Sex Educator. Personal: Divorced mother of two teen girls. Lives a block from ex and we still have weekly family dinners and even vacation together. Pescaterian (Mostly vegetarian but occasionally eats fish). Loves dogs, monkeys, travel and red wine.   We spoke about choosing a sex toy. We started by talking about the different types of toys available for women from clitoral stimulators to vibrators.  We talked about the toys available to men from masturbators to prostate stimulators and those for couples as well.  Cutting edge toys include Bluetooth controlled toys and prostate vibrators.  Katy said they have experienced an upsurge in sales for prostate stimulators and we both agreed that now there are a number of these toys marketed for heterosexual men.  We spoke about the increase in heterosexual men willing to consider prostate stimulation.   We spoke about how toys might develop and what virtual reality toys are coming.  All of the current ones are meant for one person to be having sex with a virtual character.  I asked about the possibility of ones where people could have sex with each other in the virtual sphere.  Katy raised the ethical issues that might come as a result of that including issues around cheating and underage use.  I suggested that raising ethical issues is a good idea as it gets people to think through their sexual and relationship choices.   We spoke about how sex toys have helped many women to reach orgasm who had not been able to without a toy and how they can help around menopause and after so that people can continue a healthy sexual life into their mature years.    I asked for a recommendation of a first toy and Katy said for women she would recommend a bullet vibrator or a pocket rocket.  For men, a masturbator.  She recommended that people try some less expensive toys out to figure out what works best for them.    Katy has graciously offered us a code ‘SPOKEN’ to use to get 50% off any one item at https://www.adamandeve.com.  So go and grab that must have toy now!   Check these links: Https://www.adameve.com Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/adamandeve   Twitter https://twitter.com/adamandeve Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook. Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to

Sex Spoken Here: What is the Difference Between BDSM and Abuse   Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   This week I am talking about the difference between BDSM and Abuse.   The difference between BDSM and an abuse or an abusive relationship in a word: CONSENT.  Everything done in a BDSM relationship is done with the consent of all parties.    The consent must be clear and unambiguous and not be as the result of pressure.  The parties need to be able to give consent.    If these conditions are met, then there is nothing abusive about even the most extreme BDSM relationships.   Abuse can be the result of coercion.   It can also be straight forward.  The dividing line is consent.    What does consent look like?  Consent comes as the result of a discussion that talks about hard limits (things you absolutely won’t do) and soft limits (things you don’t think you are interested in or you don’t think you will do but this may change) and things you would like to do.    Agreements are made about limits: activities that are on the ‘yes’ list, activities that are on the ‘maybe’ list, activities on the ‘hell no’ list.  Agreements are made about how we will communicate in the middle of rough sex or a BDSM scene or even an ordinary situation in the world that something is a problem, or ‘stop right now’, or ‘I am enjoying myself.’  For ‘Stop right now’ we often have safe words or gestures.  These are things that cannot be misinterpreted and that will tell the person who is the active partner/top/dominant that a hard limit is being approached or has been reached.    Ethical dominants know that negotiating to push a limit in the middle of a scene is not appropriate as a person cannot give consent in the middle of a scene (because of the power imbalance, because of their mental state – high on the scene).    Even in relationships in which there is a 24/7 authority transfer, there are discussions about limits and consent and importantly how to withdraw consent.  There is a lot of erotica out there that talks about ‘no limits’ relationships and ones in which withdrawal of consent is not allowed.  The premise is that once someone becomes a slave, they no longer have the authority to leave the relationship.    In real life, breakdown of the relationship and how to exit is something that is discussed as part of an extended negotiation when someone is considering a 24/7 authority transfer relationship.    Some people have a ritual involved (the slave has to beg for release) others do not.  In non-abusive relationships, the parameters of the relationship including limits and exiting the relationship are discussed before relationship properly begins and often a written document is made detailing rules, responsibilities and agreements as well as what happens in the event of a break up.   In some ethical 24/7 relationships, the slave or submissive is not allowed to say no to any particular activities however they are given space to say why they would wish to say no and their feelings and reasons are considered by their Master, Ma’am, Sir or Dominant.    If there is no space to express an opinion ever, it is likely the relationship is abusive.   There may be an acceptable format for expressing an opinion or a ritual for expressing an opinion.   As long as it is possible for the parties to raise their feelings, views and concerns, the relationship is likely to be non-abusive.     Many people are misled by abusive people telling them that ‘true slaves’ or ‘true submissives’ don’t have limits.   These abusive people pressure their desired prey to give up all control before they know much about the person they are giving control up to.  Many groom online...

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones. Today I am continuing my series on sex toys. So far in this series, I looked at vibrators and vibrating toys, dildos and butt plugs, and talked with Chrystal Bougon of Curvy Girl and Bliss.  If you haven’t had the opportunity to listen to the first three episodes in the series, I encourage you to do so.  Today, I am talking about pervertables and other interesting toys.  A pervertable is an ordinary item that can be turned to sexual or perverted purposes.    Later in the show I will talk about electro-stimulation toys.  The first question I usually get about pervertables is why bother?  There are a few reasons: The first is if you are not sure if you will enjoy certain types of sensation or activities, you probably don’t want to invest money in the toys or items.  For example, you want to try a toy that will produce a thud type sensation, and see if you enjoy that type of pain mixed pleasure.  You could go out and buy different paddles or you could go into the kitchen and get a wooden spoon or use the back of a heavy hair brush. The second reason is that you don’t have lots of money to spend.  This is the most common reason someone decides to explore pervertables and creating their own toys. The third is the associations we form with items that we will see every day can add some excitement and on-going turn on.  For example, if you have children or live with parents or roommates, you won’t keep that gorgeous flogger out and so you won’t get the thrill of seeing it regularly.    But, if your lover uses a belt instead, every time you see the belt, every time they wear the belt, you will get an intense thrill.  It can be like being hot-wired: You are doing something ordinary and you see the belt and suddenly you are soaked or rock hard or both. Pervertables for sensory play and sensory deprivation play: Sensory deprivation can increase the sensation for the senses that are still available.    It also adds the extra thrill of surprise.  The mildest form of sensory deprivation (and the most common) is blindfolding.  Blindfolds can be made from ties, towels, shirts, belts, strips of fabric.  One of the most arousing scenes I ever took part in, my lover tore off my t-shirt and cut it into strips, using one to blindfold me and the others to tie my hands to the bed posts. Your underwear can be used as a gag.    Sensory play involves using all our senses and different types of sensation to increase excitement.  Sometimes sight is removed (as many of us rely on sight as a primary sense).    Alternate textures can be used to stimulate and enflame.  There are tons of pervertables in the home that are ideal for this type of play. You can use sandpaper, the edge of tweezers, a feather, a fan, the tines of a fork, leather gloves, silk gloves or fabric, a safety pin, a rubber band.  Using smells is also enlightening.  In this case, I recommend pleasant smells and smells that whet the appetite like vanilla, cinnamon, chocolate, musk, civet, labdanum, leather, tuberose, amber, or gardenia.  Taste is also a lot of fun to play with.  I recommend using fresh fruit, chocolate, olives, lemon or lime, fresh ginger and for the truly adventurous various chilli peppers.  Ginger can be used for figging which is when it is peeled and inserted in either the vagina or anus.  It will cause an intense burning sensation.  It shouldn’t be left in for too long.  Some people also use chilli for this but I don’t recommend it because it is too hard to remove.  Please make sure you aren’t allergic to anything you are going to put on or in your body. What about pervertables for dildos?  There are loads of things you can use that are insertable pervertables.  Please use...