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Sex for Smart People*
19 minutes | 4 years ago
OOOOOOOOH BYE: THE LAST EPISODE?!?
Dear Listeners: SFSP, in this form, is ending. BUT! It will be evolving into a new podcast in about a year!! Rather than being about sex and love through a lens of our collective liberation as SFSP has been, the new podcast will be about our collective liberation at large (transformative justice! consent culture! dismantling white supremacy! systems shift + widespread cultural healing! queering everything!) without shying away from things having to do with sex + bodies + desire that so often get swept under the rug. We’d love love love to stay in conversation with you in the meanwhile and beyond! Please stay subscribed to our feed, and/or you can join our mailing list at sexforsmartpeople.com to make certain that you hear about what we are up to next. All the episodes will stay up and available, so feel free to keep sharing with loved ones, as well! If you want to stay in touch with Dave, follow him on Twitter @davidjmcgee. And Ryan would love to stay connected to you in all the ways, including through their new dating app for kinky people (trykinkedin.com) and through their coaching practice (sexandrelationshipscoaching.com). It’s been a huge joy and honor to make this thing with each other and in conversation our guests and with all of you. Thank you thank you thank you for tuning in!
75 minutes | 4 years ago
Episode 30: Authenticity and Intentionality and Tenderness, oh yes yes YES!
Rev. Alba Onofrio shares about their journey to embracing relationship and family beyond default scripts/labels and their work as spiritual director of Soulforce, holding authenticity and intentionality as paramount, fighting for the lives of queer and trans people everywhere! We collectively address listener questions including: How do I raise my son when I see the world as such a hostile and terrifying place, especially after the Pulse massacre? A bisexual cis woman in a relationship with a straight cis dude wonders: do I have a right to claim the term queer? We also jam about the connection of Christian Supremacy to rape culture, consent that goes far deeper than the tactical or “asking permission”, and queer identity as a rallying cry / call to action / politically based orientation to the world based in an experience of marginalization. Shout outs about the book “Revolutionary Mothering: Love On the Front Lines” to which Alba contributed, the movie “Captain Fantastic”, the Sexual Liberation Collective, and Soulforce’s healing take on the Sodom and Gomorrah story.
14 minutes | 5 years ago
A Collection of Queer Love Notes, post-Pulse
We found that our queer communities, friends, and families pulled together in some fucking beautiful ways to support one another in the moments and weeks after the massacre at Pulse. We wanted to create something that shows our intense sense of community, shows how we love at the same time as mourn and rage. So here is a collection of messages of love sent between and among queer folks in the weeks following June 12th. Thank you to everyone who contributed!
80 minutes | 5 years ago
Episode 29: Reflections on Orlando // Sexuality From a Place of Wholeness
We are honored to be joined by actress/activist/founder-of-TransTech Angelica Ross. Hear why she believes most people are in relationships for the wrong reasons and that relationships are best when thought of as prolonged period of discovery. We address the misunderstanding of the term sex positive as pressure to have more sex than you want to, queering as a force for good, learning what your body says “yes” to in life AND in sex, and how to full our honor the fucked up truth of now and also full out hold our responsibility to imagine alternatives. When you are dating or hooking up with a new person, at what point is it important to disclose you are trans? What do you do when you and your partner both want an open relationship but you feel overwhelmed by jealousy? How do you get to be more pleasure-oriented than orgasm-centric? Plus shout outs about the amazing webseries HerStory (by and for queer and trans women, featuring Angelica Ross!), taking a walk around your neighborhood, and the beauty and importance of queer and trans choirs.
41 minutes | 5 years ago
A Collection of Coming Out Stories!
The surprising stuff, the mundane stuff, the way folks felt like they were always out or felt like they never came out at all: A moving/many-splendored collection of coming out stories that break from the most traditional narratives. This is the first of what will be many more episodes that feature stories from YOU, dear listeners. May we all be more deeply invited into radical wonder and radical welcoming toward ourselves and others, and may we keep working toward a world in which everyone is free and safe to be open about all of who they are.
66 minutes | 5 years ago
Episode 28: We Need To Complicate What It Means…
Dylan Marron! It’s Dylan Marron! Writer/performer Dylan Marron joins us for a wildly multi-faceted conversation about various and sundry things including: In a longterm relationship, what do you do when you feel like you are not connecting at all anymore and that talking about things gets in the way of your already-too-infrequent sex life? When you are playing matchmaker for friends, how much do you need to disclose about them to the other? Also: sex as conversation, setting intentions in sex and conversation, where focus goes energy goes, naming how you are feeling in the moment, an interview collage about marriage from the Love Songs for the Rest of Us tour, ways of thinking about the default script of “bros before hos”, widening collective circles of care, treat your friends as lovers and your lovers as friends, cheers to the power of chosen family in all of its many forms, #gaymediasowhite, ice cream, “13 questions to ask before getting married”, The Affair, Dreamgirls, Michael R. Jackson, complex feelings about Transparent, the amazing new webseries: HerStory, and trans narratives in the media in general.
63 minutes | 5 years ago
CROSSBROADCAST: Shit and Shame with Shawn Shafner
Liberating conversations about sex and shit from the extremes of knee-jerk shame response and gratuitous grotesqueness is not easy. So we teamed up with our friend Shawn “The Puru” Shafner for this crossbroadcast with his podcast! We collectively address questions including: What if you are grossed out by anal sex but your partner is really into it? How to navigate safety concerns with scat play? And we jam out about various and sundry things like bearing the vulnerability of another and being able to bear one’s own vulnerability. Menstruation, runny noses, and other leaky fluids. Being seen and accepted in your entirety is the sexiest. Did we mention there’s a whale choir? Oh yeah. There’s a whale choir. And check out more episodes of Shawn’s podcast at:http://apple.co/1WQm6D4
74 minutes | 5 years ago
Episode 27: Get Rid of the Idea that Sex Can Be Easy
Healing from trauma, holding compassion and rage at the same time, transformative + restorative justice in response to sexual assault, the just world fallacy, the sexiness of holding nuance and complexity, noticing who we can communicate with based on our positionality, ways of holding safe space for a person who has experienced trauma, the beauty of leading with vulnerability, welcoming loved one’s whole selves (including their wounds), moving away from default scripts about bodies + gender + sex acts, listening each other into fullness, fuck the Valentine’s Day Industrial Complex, fuck the idea that love can or should be contained in any way, and fuck the idea that love is a finite resource. We are oh so honored and grateful that Andy Izenson (activist, attorney, consent + alternative justice models educator) joined us in this doozy of a conversation, full of much darkness and much love and much light.
17 minutes | 5 years ago
Briefs: Heroes, Monsters, and David Bowie
How do we hold rage about abuses of power AND ALSO allow space for honoring an inspiring queer icon? How might we sit in uncomfortable nuance in order to transcend the shouting match that followed Bowie’s death? Aida Manduley joins us to discuss how celebration and critique need not be mutually exclusive, through a lens of radical love and transformative justice. — Links and Resources! Time To Mourn or Call Out? by Aida Manduley transformative justice restorative justice related: a full PDF of The Revolution Starts at Home: Confronting Partner Abuse in Activist Communities edited by Ching-In Chen, Jai Dulani, and Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha
76 minutes | 5 years ago
Episode 26: Gender & Privilege, Heartbreak & Healing
We are honored and grateful to be joined by the multi-talented, many-splendored Shakina Nayfack, who shares about her most recent show, Post-Op, and her deep commitment to community and care in art-making. We collectively address conundrums from listeners, including: what do you do when you want to cultivate a more compassionate point of view toward trans people, but it feels challenging to you? And what about when the people you want to have sex with are not ever the same people you want to have a relationship with? Plus nods to Hamilton, Wordsworth, Richard Bock, #allofwhoyouare, various ways of thinking about virginity, the importance of simultaneously holding celebration AND critique, and the beauty of chosen family. — And here’s Shakina sharing what is most important to her to communicate about sex and relationships: And here’s a roundup of resources from the episode: PEOPLE AND PLACES Shakina Nayfack Musical Theatre Factory READABLES (BOOKS, PLAYS, POEMS, PERSONAL NARRATIVES) One Woman Show Transgender Today (New York Times series) I’m From Driftwood When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron Caroline, Or Change by Tony Kushner and Jeanine Tesori Dao De Jing: The Book of the Way by Laozi Jagged Little Pill by Alanis Morissette Vagina by Naomi Wolf Hamilton Lines Composed a Few Miles above Tintern Abbey, On Revisiting the Banks of the Wye during a Tour by William Wordsworth Jonathan Livingston Seagull by Richard Bach “When we allow our own light to shine, we unconsciously allow other people to do the same.” by Marianne Williamson
29 minutes | 5 years ago
Briefs: What We Talk About When We Talk About Gender
We sometimes stumble and/or feel overwhelmed (and maybe you do, too?) when trying to talk about gender and bodies in the most inclusive way, so we are reaching out for help! In this (brief!) Briefs episode, Stephanie shares about a time when she was wrong, and she examines the defenses that came up in her and ways of moving beyond them. And we are so glad that Jamie Beckenstein joins us to share his perspectives on this and to invite us into wise and compassionate ways of thinking about all this. Also! We share some great listener responses to past episodes (our listeners are the sexiest). — Here’s a bonus video from Jamie, in which he talks about what he most wants to communicate to the world about sex and relationships:
66 minutes | 5 years ago
Episode 25: Ethical Sluttiness and the Nuance of Openness
Dossie Easton (hero of ours, trailblazer in the realm of authenticity/communication/sexual freedom, author of several books including “The Ethical Slut”) joins us, and we are so freaking honored!! We discuss how to find out what your needs and desires are in the first place, the value of making time to explore about learn about sex, creating no fault exploration zones, unlearning shame, managing jealousy, the basics of rope bondage. And what to do when you are a woman in a monogamous marriage with a man, but you are realizing you have a strong attraction to women? Plus: shout outs about joy and wonderment, an interfaith symposium on sexuality, the many different ways of being in and out of the closet, info about Stephanie’s coaching practice, sneak preview tracks from the Love Songs for the Rest of Us album, and the mighty return of the crowd source question! Here’s a round up of resources from the episode: People! Dossie Easton Alex Morgan Deborah Anapol Kathy Labriola Cynthia Slater Books! The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy The New Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy Radical Ecstasy by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy Why God Won’t Go Away: Brain Science and the Biology of Belief by Andrew Newberg Opening Up by Tristan Taormino Straight: The Surprisingly Short History of Heterosexuality by Hanne Blank Faitheist: How an Atheist Found Common Ground with the Religious by Chris Stedman Articles! All tied up: Let’s do away with “no strings attached” sex by Reina Gattuso How to Talk to Little Girls by Lisa Bloom The Orthodox Sex Guru by Daniel Bergner Organizations! San Francisco Sex Information Resources! an example yes/no/maybe list exercise an example of writing about red/yellow/green as safe words poly munch OK Cupid Other! Christo and Jeanne-Claude’s The Gates Baby sees a cat for the first time video!!!!!
10 minutes | 6 years ago
Oh Hi! (a brief check-in episode)
We miss you! Where the hell have we been, you ask? Check out this mini episode to find out. Plus, we’ve got a short interview with Chelsea Downs of Amorous Revolt (a queer/kinky camping extravaganza happening in late July). We’ll be officially back in September, and until then, as always, you can let us know your thoughts/ideas/objections/questions at email@example.com. And remember: authenticity and communication are the sexiest!
99 minutes | 6 years ago
Episode 24: Fifty Shades of All the Cans of Worms!
BDSM guru, activist/performer/writer/woman of many talents: Mollena Williams shares about her renewed hope in love in a full-time master/slave relationship, and her journey with owning her power as a submissive. Boundaries and communication in consensual power play! The many grey areas of consent! The many many complexities of power play and race/class/gender/etc/etc/etc! We collectively address listener questions including: How do you break into BDSM culture? How can a new submissive be sure not to be taken advantage of? If your friend is in a new full-time master/slave relationship and asks you to cc their partner on every email and text (and you’d much rather not do that), does that make your friend a bad kinkster or does that mean that you are a bad friend? Plus, we dish on Fifty Shades of Grey, and Mollena gives a call to action about making new/better kink-focused art. As always, we’re glad and grateful to be in conversation with all of you! Email us at firstname.lastname@example.org to let us know your questions/objections/ideas anytime.
63 minutes | 6 years ago
Episode 23: Authenticity is the Sexiest
OKCupid’s Chief Product Officer, Jimena Almendares, is at the front lines of queering the OKCupid algorithm! And we were fortunate enough to get to talk to her in depth on this episode about how OKC has recently incorporated non-binary gender identities and sexual orientations beyond gay and straight! She also generously shares about her epic personal journey. We collectively address questions from listeners including: someone who asks for pep talk about how to make the most out of online dating, someone who is a gay male and married to a woman wondering if it is kinder to himself and his family to be fully out or not, and someone who is questioning when it is okay to be into people from your same race/class/education background and when your preferences might be harmfully reinforcing systemic oppression. Plus, a shout out about the awesomeness of being single even though our society is couples-obsessed.
76 minutes | 6 years ago
REBROADCAST: Episode 1: Dave and Stephanie’s Story + Launch Party Extravaganza!
Hey Smart People, if you are new to this podcast, we recommend that you start here. In this episode, recorded live in front of an (amazingly sexy) audience at the Bowery Poetry Club, we share our personal stories, our mission statement and why we are passionate about doing this podcast. We also address queries from the audience about things like: keeping consent talk sexy, starting the conversation about having an open relationship, and beginning to explore the sex party scene. Plus, music performances by Salty Brine, Ian Axness, and BONOBONOBONOBO, and learn what our audience thinks is the sexiest. Our love is what we make of it, yo. We’re so glad and grateful that you are in this conversation with us. Here’s a video of Stephanie sharing what she most passionately wants to communicate about sex and relationships: And here’s a roundup of resources and links from Episode One: Performers! Salty Brine ian axness BONOBONOBONOBO/Love Songs For The Rest Of Us Books! Mating In Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel Opening Up: A Guide To Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino Resources! An example yes/no/maybe list Info about getting tested Myth Party/ Amorous Revolt Words! Compersion a definition one experience of compersion complicating the idea Thank you so much for being in conversation with us!
76 minutes | 6 years ago
Episode 22: Ally is a Verb
Love is a verb. Queer is a verb. Ally is a verb. Super wise actvist/writer/poet Janani Balasubramanian is our guest of honor this time. Janani shares a bit about their journey, the importance of slow-hard-awkward conversations & quiet acts of solidarity, and how activism doesn’t feel like a choice for them. We grapple with the civil rights fires that are raging across the nation, the intersections between race/class/gender oppression, and we talk about on-ramps to getting engaged (or getting even more engaged) in working toward undoing that oppression. We collectively address listener questions about preferred pronouns, language around ethical non-monogamy, and how not to fetishize trans and gender non-conforming people if/when you are into them. We feature an amazing poem of Janani’s (find more at queerdarkenergy.com)! Plus, shout outs about the beauty and importance of chosen family, the Women of Color Sexual Health Network, Al Qaws (a queer community organizing platform in Palestine), and self-care as a radical act. Happy ALL of the holidays to everyone!
86 minutes | 6 years ago
Episode 21: Consent is Everything
On catcalling, Jian Ghomeshi, female orgasm, Gamergate, and more! In this *doozy* of an episode, we are honored to be joined by Miri Mogilevsky. We address listener questions including: Is there something wrong with me if I never have an orgasm without my my clit being stimulated? How do you navigate when you like being objectified and when it makes you feel gross? Do you really have to share everything (in a longterm relationship, is it ok to have anything that’s just yours)? We also throw down about the race dynamics of that catcalling video, consent in the context of consensual power play, the professor/student quagmire at Northwestern University, and California’s new affirmative consent legislation. Plus, shout outs about respecting preferred pronouns, translifeline.com, hope/action in the face of crisis, communication about sex as a juicy form of foreplay, and sex as something you DO – not something you HAVE.
74 minutes | 6 years ago
Episode 20: The Second Ever All Quickies Episode!
2 guests! So many juicy quickies! Badass writer/comedian Emma Tattenbaum-Fine and sex ed superstar Francisco Ramirez (he’s back!!) join us to throw down about various and sundry things including: sexuality is not a luxury, making decisions based on love (not fear), sex tips from porn star Stoya, taking time to prioritize sex, facts versus feelings, pubic hair, why there are so few women in the film industry, UTIs and yeast infections, puppy play, enjoying sex in a non-traditionally sexual way, “The Sessions” with Helen Hunt, and more. Then we have a longer conversation about when to call shit out versus when to create onramps for dialogue about patriarchy and rape culture – we want YOUR thoughts on this, too. Plus, a special bonus interview segment with Charlie Williams, the founder/developer of the new Cuddlr app!
79 minutes | 7 years ago
Episode 19: How I Feel About What You Think About How I Feel About You
Somatic sexuality educator Dr. Charlie Glickman of MakeSexEasy.com (and co-author of “The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure”) joins us to discuss his super wise insights on relationships and the nuances of relationships to relationships. He shares some moving stories about helping clients move past sexual shame through hands-on coaching. We collectively address listener questions including: How can I fully express my masculinity without being a dick? When part of the turn-on is not talking about things, how do you establish boundaries? And how do you have a causal hook-up and also be sure you’re not hurting someone? The wide range of possibilities of pleasure in anal sex and the wide range of feelings and fears about anal pleasure. Being bold versus being aggressive. Stephanie and Charlie recommend awesome books about non-violent communication and asexuality, and Dave shares about how he was asked to formally object to yet another wedding. Plus, our first round of happy healthy (and these particular ones are super extra gorgeous) break-up stories. Our listeners are the sexiest AND the most beautiful, yo.
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