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58 minutes | Jul 28, 2021
SETTLE DOWN, GISELA
Dan is out on the road, not in a hot car. Maureen is up in the cool mountains of Massachusetts. Did politics happen this week? Probably. Dan and Maureen do not want to know. For a blissful moment, they are Somewhere Else doing Something Else. Both have chosen good times to be somewhere else, because things are going great, and nothing is happening with COVID. Or everything is! No one knows. This is the time for hot, maskless gatherings in Nebraska parking lots and anti-tax teachers to head into schools. In short, nothing can go wrong now.Then Maureen starts speaking German. Jetzt wir hatten eine gute Zeit!
54 minutes | Jul 21, 2021
Some Light Summer Reading
SaysWhovia! Dan is on the road, which in this case is literal: he's recording from the back of his car again. But it's OK! He's under a tree, what could go wrong. Meanwhile, Maureen and Dan have been reading the new Trump tell-alls that have been coming out. Today, let Maureen and Dan tell you about them so you don't have to read them!Maureen started "Frankly, We Did Win This Election: The Inside Story of How Trump Lost" by Michael C. Bender but ended up being deeply invested in the menu of a New Hampshire diner that serves some remarkable food.Dan read "Landslide" by Michael Wolff and learned that his imitation of Rudy is lacking in flatulence. Curl up with a good book—even a bad one will be better than these—it's the new Says Who!
58 minutes | Jul 14, 2021
PLAY CLOWN GAMES, WIN CLOWN PRIZES
It's really summer now SaysWhovia, but Dan and Maureen are gearing up for... leaving? Is that still a thing? That is if covid variants and government bureaucracy let them go.But before they leave town, how about discussing the various Trump legal clowns who have been playing clown games this week. Sure, of course there's Rudy because there's always Rudy, but there's enough clownage to go 'round this time.Put on your giant shoes and your rubber nose, SaysWhovia, because it's clown time.
62 minutes | Jul 8, 2021
THE 200TH TIME IS THE CHARM
It’s the 200th episode! Yes, the little podcast that was a coping strategy that was never supposed to exist like this celebrates its 200th episode! To mark the big 200, Dan and Maureen answer your questions! Learn about Maureen’s very flexible policies in terms of where she will go. Find out what young Dan did for fun. Why are they still doing this? Do they like it? Can they ever stop? What is going on?All of these questions and more will be answered. Now, blow out these candles! The curtains are on fire!
55 minutes | Jul 1, 2021
A HARD POUNDING
It’s the Says Who, One Day Late Edition! Maureen has had a wild couple of days, which threw the S.S. Says Who off course by 24 hours. Everyone in her house has been barfing, either literally or metaphorically.But she isn’t the only one sailing rough seas. The Good Ship Rudy has been rolling to and for on the waves. Poor Rudy! He must be so seasick! Luckily, his son and first mate, Andrew, is here to defend him! By shouting! So much shouting!Meanwhile, a small speedboat containing the Trump legal team has been spotted headed out to sea, dumping safes of documents all along the way! Not really! We were just trying to keep this boat thing up. But, you know, Trump legal problems! Because of the crimes!Everyone is taking a hard pounding this week. Such a hard pounding.Get your life preserver, SaysWhovia. This water is deep.
58 minutes | Jun 23, 2021
Really really sorry.
59 minutes | Jun 17, 2021
I GOT NOTHING
It’s pub day for Maureen! Her new book is out! She seems . . . tired. Maybe a little confused. But Dan is here to perk her up by telling her about other new books. This does not work as well as he plans.Meanwhile, the ranging debate about which Trump child is least loved rages on. Then Maureen and Dan reminisce about their old jobs.Dan I can’t even remember what we talked about.
20 minutes | Jun 11, 2021
Says Who Special: The Box in the Woods
July 6th, 1978. Four teenagers went into the woods one night. They did not return alive. What happened in Barlow Corners? Who put the counselors in the Box in the Woods?Want to know what happened? You can find out by reading The Box in the Woods. Visit maureenjohnson.com for more information.
58 minutes | Jun 9, 2021
FIVE MINUTES WITH STEPHEN KING
It’s under a week now until Maureen’s book is out, and Dan wants her to talk about it. Maureen is not so sure. Dan helps her by telling her tales of his own book experiences. Dan has a story to tell.Meanwhile, slash-desk is no more. RIP slash-desk, we barely knew ye. Where does a guy go when he doesn’t even have his slash-desk anymore? On the road! And apparently, to New Jersey! If a Trump goes to a New Jersey and no one cares, did he even go? Also, Don Jr. does Cameo now. So that’s a thing!But seriously, Dan has a story to tell.
57 minutes | Jun 2, 2021
COUP STORY, BRO
It’s summertime in SaysWhovia! The lawn chairs are out. The pool floats have been inflated. And Trump is back on his bullshit!Wait, what?Oh right. Time is a flat circle. Yes, he’s back! Ranting and raving in a way that is not at all concerning! By that, we mean… kind of concerning! It’s possible that the Trumpets are planning a little light treason. Nothing to worry about. Besides, Dan has big news! The first reports of what President Biden eats are in… and there is big news in this department. BIG news.Also, Maureen’s Siri keeps farting, and her dad has 900 Alexas and a bunch of restaurant chairs. She may be losing what little grip she has on reality.Get your shorts on, SaysWhovia! We’re going to the boardwalk!
63 minutes | May 26, 2021
THE TRAGIC KINGDOM with Akilah Hughes
Our friend Akilah has been back to Disneyland now that it's reopened after 14 months, and what a magical day she had. Come, Sayswhovians, take a break from the unrelenting pace of news and just... enjoy yourself at the happiest place on earth.
54 minutes | May 19, 2021
THE SOUP IN THE WOODS
We all developed new hobbies during lockdown. Maureen collected bins and drop-crotch jumpsuits. Dan made masks and relentlessly trolled Maureen about the state of New York politics. This is still his favorite! He does it ALL THE TIME. This was the biggest week yet for Dan’s new pastime. Andrew Guillani has entered the ring and Dan simply could not be more delighted. Maureen tries to deflect. There are horny peacocks to talk about. And horny donkeys. And roller-skates. And soup.None of it will work. Dan is on a mission. No amount of soup talk will distract or dissuade him. In fact, he has learned something so terrible that he refuses to say it out loud on the podcast, but he tells Maureen because this is the kind of friend he is.Maureen is very ill-treated.Come to the woods, SaysWhovia. The animals are weird and the soup is plenty.Content: Some very horny animals, soup. Don't Google that one thing.
56 minutes | May 12, 2021
It’s a big week, SaysWhovia. Maureen has a guest. In her house. Someone is STAYING OVER. Because life is finding a way.Because he doesn’t want her to get too excited about the experience, Dan decides to tell Maureen all about the state of the mayoral race in New York City—a race in which no one seems to know anything except Andrew Yang. He’s going to be the winner! Dan is sure of it. Maureen is less happy. Dan’s job is done.But the big story this week is that nothing stays buried forever. The zombies have risen. Trump is back, and he’s Brough the My Pillow guy with him, and together they’re saving America and free speech through the technology of… blogs? Videos? Twitter handles? Dan and Maureen are as confused as they are. It’s an old, familiar feeling. Welcome back to the weird, ranty world of Trump—now with fewer followers!
59 minutes | May 5, 2021
Spring has come to SaysWhovia and the world is reopening! Maureen has gotten a hairdo! She went to a place! With a person! Dan also went to a place with a person, but for a different reason. Dan had a little accident. His foot is not 100% what it should be at the moment. Luckily, we know someone who is good with feet.Meanwhile, two prominent dirtbags have been caught dirtbagging—because these dummies kept writing it all down. These aren’t bright guys, and things got out of hand. Yes, both Matt Gaetz and Rudy Giuliani are in hot water. How hot? How much water? We don’t know yet, but what we do know is hilarious.Also, Dan and Maureen talk about plants for a while. Why not?Put on your dancing shoes, SaysWhovia! It’s time to get out there!Content info: This episode includes a mention of Matt Gaetz’s crimes, which involve sex with underage persons. No details—we simply mention that this is what he is in trouble for.
59 minutes | Apr 28, 2021
It’s happening, SaysWhovia. Dan and Maureen have had both of their shots. They got a little sleepy, but now they are thinking about reentering the world. No, really this time. It’s a whole new era! One filled with grocery stores, maybe not wearing a mask outside, perhaps sitting on a bench…that kind of thing!Sure, there will be a transition period. Dan has an inflatable couch for that. And Maureen has all these beans and plastic bins. And an Excelsior pass!What’s an Excelsior pass? You’re about to find out.Strap in, SaysWhovia! We’re going for a ride!
54 minutes | Apr 21, 2021
Today’s episode is a little different. Dan and Maureen were about to record when the verdict came in, so they stopped until it was read. What follows is the immediate reaction to the verdict and a discussion of the strange, in-between times we live in.Also, Dan has been trolling Maureen, and eventually there is a discussion about celery.Content info: This episode, obviously, deals with the results of the Derek Chauvin trial and the legacy of black death at the hands of the police. Also, a rat catches on fire near the end.
60 minutes | Apr 14, 2021
SMOKE: IT'S WHAT'S FOR BREAKFAST
Could it be, SaysWhovia, that soon it will be time to rejoin the world? To dance and sing? Or, get dental care? Get gravy? Look out the window? Maureen and Dan are ready! Well, they will be! Maybe! Give it time. Soon. Soon they will be. Just not yet. So instead of traveling out, they travel back in time too when everyone smoked everywhere and things stank. Want to hear stories about eight year olds buying cartons of cigarettes for elderly relatives? You are in luck!Maureen has been doing a lot of talking about her book this week as well. But even thought she has been busy, she has had time to look at Facebook. She should not look at Facebook, but she cannot be stopped. This takes us to a long trip to Maureen’s Facebook Corner, which leads Dan and Maureen to the topic of gun violence. Because, America. But there is hope, and it comes in the form of all those cigarettes.Content info: the second half of this episode features a discussion of gun violence and gun policy, with references to police violence, domestic violence, and a one-sentence mention of suicide.
60 minutes | Apr 8, 2021
WHEN THE GOING GAETZ TOUGH
What a week it has been, SaysWhovia. Dan and Maureen are a day later than norm, because Maureen had a book come out on Tuesday. She had to do 19 interviews, which means she had to talk a lot. Blah blah blah, all day long. She is behind on the news.Luckily, Dan has been paying attention! He has a story to tell her—a story about a man named Matt who did some very bad things. You may think you know all the bad things, but you don’t. Dan will tell you about them in tremendous detail. The story is weirder than you think. It involves a boy named Nestor, some photographs, a Florida lawyer, and spies!Put your helmet on, SaysWhovia. Dan is going to take you on a ride.
63 minutes | Mar 31, 2021
SHOW ME THE MONKEY
It’s a big week here in SaysWhovia! Dan and Maureen have both received their first shot. Dan was slightly overwhelmed by the experience. It has been a long time since he has been out. Meanwhile, the sideways boat has been freed, which reminds Maureen of a time she was on a boat. A lot happened on this boat. She will tell you all about it. Neither of them are ready for prime time.Down in Florida, local man Donald Trump is giving weird speeches at weddings, and also he will come to your party now, if you want him to. Do you want him to?Put your lifejacket on, SaysWhovia. It’s time to get back into the water.
57 minutes | Mar 24, 2021
DAN GETS A STICK
Toot toot! It’s Says Who time, and there’s big news! Dan is going to be vaccinated! He’s excitedly preparing to go to Walgreens. Maureen is not up for her stick yet, but she has been to Walgreens, so who is the real winner here.America gets back to normal, ever so slowly, and that means a return to mass shootings. Which is tragic. Also, Roger Stone returns to the wild and Donald Trump has a big idea.Nature is... well, if not healing, then it’s showing its strange, wild ass.Hop in, Says Whovia. We’re going to drive past Walgreens.Sent from my iPhone. I could be anywhere! Anywhere!
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