48 minutes | Mar 10th 2021

The 80/80 Marriage

“Marriage should be 50/50,” many a well-intentioned couple told me before they got married.  I knew they were in trouble.  And for all of the best of intentions!  They wanted to be equals.  Equal responsibility and equal coverage. Which is exactly what was heading them straight toward the trouble. Yes, they had the best of intentions.  And yes, it is a great ideal to want to equally contribute in the relationship. And yes, that headed them straight for trouble. Why? Because they had already signed on to judge each other on fairness.  If it was 50-50, both people would surely be watching to make sure their 50% was matched by their spouse’s 50%. And interestingly, the likelihood of both making the same estimate of 50% was 0%. This is exactly the situation that my guests, Kaley and Nate Klemp, found themselves in.  And it started early in their marriage… highlighted by an argument over shoes at the door!  But that same struggle threatened their marriage… highlighted by an argument over who should pick up their child from daycare!  (These are the same level of arguments that often show the fault lines for many other couples… not big ones, but tiny chips from their foundation that add up to an unstable base.) But Kaley and Nate decided to do something about it.  They decided to do some research. (While this is not a likely response for many couples, the good news is, Nate and Kaley not only interviewed lots of people, they wrote a book about it!)  What they discovered is there are three models of marital involvement.  One is fairly outdated, and the second is often infected by the first.  It is also the pattern that appears fair, 50/50.  That one fails for most couples. And that led to Nate and Kaley presenting a third model.  In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I sit down to discuss the models with both Nate and Kaley.  They tell me about their own struggles, the different models, and how to shift toward a better model. Their approach has many similarities to my own work, but brings some important facets out for listeners to consider.  Learn about the 3 models, and how to make a shift (even with a reluctant spouse) in this episode. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: Nate and Kaley’s Website (for newsletter and book) Marriage is NOT 50/50 Episode Your Spouse is NOT Your Enemy Episode Save The Marriage System
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