Uncompromising Intimacy with Alexandra Stockwell
On this episode of Monetize the Mic, Jess was thrilled to speak with Interview Connections client Alexandra Stockwell about uncompromising intimacy. Alexandra Stockwell, MD is a Luxury Love and Intimacy Mentor, known as “The Intimacy Doctor.” She specializes in showing couples how to build beautiful, long-lasting, passionate relationships. She is the bestselling author of Uncompromising Intimacy and host of the highly acclaimed The Marriage Podcast. A wife of 25 years and mother of 4, Alexandra believes the key to passion and fulfillment, intimacy, and success, isn’t compromise--it’s being unwilling to compromise--because when both people feel free to be themselves, and know-how to love and be loved for exactly who they are, the relationship is juicy, nourishing, and deeply satisfying. Jess first asks, “How did you go from being a medical doctor to a relationship coach?” Alexandra explains that whenever we make important transitions or evolutions, we can tell different stories about it and they’re all true. Alexandra has a few different perspectives on her own story. When she was in her mid-30s she owned a small holistic medical practice. Alexandra worked really hard to get where she was in life. All her ambitions that had propelled her forward had all come true. She was married, she had three kids, she had paid off medical school loans, and yet she didn’t have the feeling of having arrived. Alexandra wasn’t satisfied; she didn’t feel enthusiastic to live that same way for another three or four decades. People ask her, “Were you burnt out?” Alexandra feels that she wasn't experiencing burnout, but she just knew that she would end up burnt out. She was able to take a sabbatical and gave herself room to do things for no good reason. Alexandra did things because they felt good, not to achieve a particular goal. This experience was radical for her. Alexandra was still running her household with 3 children, so it wasn’t as if she was sitting around doing nothing. But she was still able to do things like taking a dance class and just sitting by the creek. She didn’t need a reason to do things! This made space for other aspects of her soul to emerge which eventually led her down the path of becoming a relationship and intimacy expert. That’s one story about Alexandra’s journey. Another story about her journey is that her daughter had just turned nine. She saw that her daughter was so vibrant, so full of joy, and so happy. On the one hand, Alexandra had felt so grateful to have mothered her in a way where she could just feel so wonderful. On the other hand, on the inside, Alexandra was freaking out. When she was that age, Alexandra’s parents were getting divorced. Looking at her nine-year-old, Alexandra saw that she had disconnected from her own joy. She had disconnected from an aspect of herself that she really wanted to reconnect with. She also felt a motivation to change because if Alexandra didn't figure this out for herself, her daughter would also dial down her own vibrancy to match Alexandra’s. She had a personal wake-up call and a professional wake-up call that she needed more. This took her down a path to where she is now! Jess sees a lot of service providers and coaches come to their businesses after having a personal breakthrough. Jess asks Alexandra, “How did you start finding your clients?” Alexandra knows that in the entrepreneurial world and in the world of coaching, mindset is really important. She explains that her unconscious mindset really helped her get clients. Alexandra ended up in a training on sensuality and sexuality, and she enrolled because she wanted to have more gratifying sex and intimacy in her marriage. She was motivated by her own growth. However, this training also doubled as a coach training. Alexandra didn’t know what the coaching aspect was all about but she had a student’s mindset. She thought, “Well let me just go to the teaching lab and see what they’re covering. And what is a coach anyway?” She went to this lab and absolutely loved it. Alexandra felt like she had come home. So much of what she loved about medicine would be possible for her as a sex, intimacy, and relationship coach. She started to meet classmates and people just organically started asking her to coach them. These people didn’t know any of the details of her life; they didn’t know her expertise. People responded to who she was without having tangible information about her. There wasn’t any push or any effort at all. People asked her, and she coached them. There was so much ease in the whole process. When Alexandra started coaching, it felt fun and engaging. She didn’t have any specific financial goals at the time. Her joy was in expanding her skills, finding out what people needed, and doing her best to be able to give it to them. Alexandra built her coaching to low multiple 6 figures before she even had a website! By illustrating her care and skill, she built her business solely on word-of-mouth referrals. If her expertise were in website design and you met her at a party, and you connected, you wouldn't have any idea what her website design skills are. But in Alexandra’s niche and area of expertise, it’s about connecting and building trust. Her expertise is relevant in that initial conversation she has with people. If people like that initial conversation they have a lot more information about what Alexandra does. She has a skill that is so apparent during conversation, which makes Alexandra an amazing person to utilize the podcast guesting strategy! Jess asks, “How does your medical training come up when you’re doing intimacy coaching?” Alexandra answers that her medical experience is both a benefit and a hindrance. The benefit is that she is used to having intimate conversations with people. No client of Alexandra’s will ever say something that shocks her to a level of discomfort where she can’t be there with them. As a doctor, she has such a wide spectrum of experience and an authority that comes from years of clinical practice. On the other hand, as a physician, when she listens to someone speaking, Alexandra is, in a way, discarding everything that doesn’t feel relevant. She is focusing on what she needs to, in order to make a diagnosis and have a plan for treatment. When she started relationship coaching and focusing on intimacy she felt a real limitation and restriction at first. Her sessions with clients were focused on an incredibly emotional area. Initially, Alexandra would be too directive and too mentally engaged. She really needed to learn to be present and a lot less controlling in the conversation. For Alexandra, this was both very challenging and also very healing. You can connect with Alexandra at her website, alexandrastockwell.com, and download a free chapter from Uncompromising Intimacy!