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Relationships and Relationshits
8 minutes | Dec 16, 2020
Can Your Attachment Style Change?
In today's episode I go over if attachment styles also known as attachment theory can change. The quick answer is yes. It doesn't matter if you are an avoidant, anxious, or secure attachment style it can change for better or worse. And the relationships you are in help with that. So who you date can decide your fate. https://relationshipsandrelationshits.com/resources/ http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl
18 minutes | Dec 7, 2020
Attachments Styles and Dating
Dating is hard enough. Knowing attachment styles or attachment theory can help minimize that pain. In this episode we will go through some tips and questions to help identify the secure attachment style, the anxious attachment style, the avoidant attachment style and the fearful avoidant attachment style. Attachment test: http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl Resources: https://relationshipsandrelationshits.com/resources/
12 minutes | Nov 30, 2020
Attachment Styles and Sex
I am talking about sex and attachment styles, also known as attachment theory. I discuss secure, avoidant, and anxious attachment styles and how they view and act in the bedroom with sex. Attachment theory is very beneficial to finding a great partner, keeping a partner, working through issues with a partner, and raising your children for success when they become adults. http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl https://relationshipsandrelationshits.com/resources/
11 minutes | Nov 18, 2020
Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style
In this episode we break down the dismissive avoidant attachment style. In previous episodes we have talked about the avoidant attachment style, but not specifically the dismissive avoidant. Attachment theory has three insecure attachments which are the dismissive avoidant, the fearful avoidant, and the disorganized attachment. http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl https://relationshipsandrelationshits.com/resources/
0 minutes | Nov 4, 2020
Attachment Theory Strange Situation Test
The Strange Situation Test was the first way Attachment Style or Attachment Theory categorized people. The first test identified three distinct groups, the dismissive avoidant, the preoccupied anxious, and the secure attachment style. This was done by observing common reactions to many events. At a later time the fearful avoidant, also known as disorganized attachment was categorized. Attachment Styles help in current and future relationships. https://relationshipsandrelationshits.com/resources/ http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl
9 minutes | Oct 28, 2020
Attachment Theory Couple Combinations
In this episode I explain the combination of attachment theory couples. For example how does an avoidant attachment style and an anxious attachment style function in a relationship. I discuss all the possible combinations with fearful avoidant/disorganized, dismissive avoidant, preoccupied anxious, and secure attachment. http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl https://relationshipsandrelationshits.com/resources/
0 minutes | Oct 21, 2020
Attachment Styles Anxious Avoidant Trap
The anxious avoidant trap for attachment styles or attachment theory is is the second longest type of relationship next to two secure attachments. But it is also dysfunctional. In this episode I go over the attachment needs of the anxious and avoidant and why this relationship is so challenging. In the dating world this combination of couples are very common. https://relationshipsandrelationshits.com/resources/ http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl
7 minutes | Oct 14, 2020
Anxious Attachment Style Protest Behaviors
In this episode we are discussing protest behaviors which are common for the anxious attachment style. Avoidant attachment and secure attachment style can do these protest behaviors also, but will less frequency. Learning these protest behaviors will help with your relationships and in dating. https://relationshipsandrelationshits.com/resources/ http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl
0 minutes | Oct 7, 2020
Attachment Styles Anxious Activating Strategies
https://relationshipsandrelationshits.com/resources/ http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl In today's episode we are talking about the anxious activating strategies used by an anxious attachment style. Now of course we can all do this even if you are an avoidant attachment style or a secure attachment style. However this tends be done more by people with an anxious attachment style. This is one of many episodes dedicated to attachment theory.
0 minutes | Sep 30, 2020
Avoidant Attachment Styles Deactivating Strategies
In this episode we are discussing deactivating strategies which are used by the avoidant attachment style. These deactivating strategies are subconsciously used against a partner to squelch intimacy. Know these can help with dating. And also help with relationship issues. https://relationshipsandrelationshits.com/resources/ http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl
10 minutes | Sep 25, 2020
Attachment Styles: Disorganized Attachment & Fearful Avoidant
In this episode we are discussing the attachment style called disorganized attachment. It is also known as fearful avoidant or anxious avoidant. We will discuss the possible causes of this attachment style and how a disorganized attachment person will respond in relationships. This knowledge can help you understand yourself and help you in the dating world.
9 minutes | Sep 14, 2020
Secure Attachment Style
In this episode I discuss the secure attachment style. This is also known as the boring attachment because this attachment does more right than wrong. They are not as complex as the avoidant and anxious attachment. https://relationshipsandrelationshits.com/resources/
9 minutes | Aug 26, 2020
What is an Anxious Attachment Style?
http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl https://relationshipsandrelationshits.com/ Hello everyone. Today we are going to talk about the anxious attachment style. I will go over in detail the traits and characteristics of an anxious attachment style. We will also discuss why you may attract the avoidant attachment style. Knowledge of the attachment styles is beneficial for those raising kids, in a relationship, or trying to find a healthy relationship.
15 minutes | Aug 8, 2020
Avoidant Attachment Style
In today's episode we are discussing the avoidant attachment style. This is one of the more challenging attachment styles for relationships. And a lot of times the anxious attachment style is attracted to the avoidant and vice versa making it a difficult on again off again relationship. In this episode I will discuss some of the common traits of an avoidant and why they are that way. My website and Dr. Chris Fraley’s Attachment Test. https://relationshipsandrelationshits.com/resources/ http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl Audible Link for a free audiobook: https://amzn.to/3i8g3YY
7 minutes | Jul 29, 2020
Basic understanding of Relationship Attachment Styles
Hi everyone and welcome to Relationships and Relationshits. In the last two episodes I’ve told you my background and the background of how Attachment Styles came to be. Today I”m going to tell you what Attachment Styles is. You’ve waited patiently and I appreciate that. Now let’s get into Attachment Styles. So what is Attachment Styles? It is basically how your relationship with your caretakers as a child has an affect on your romantic relationships. And even though it’s about romantic relationships it’s more about security than romance. There are four different kinds of Attachment Styles. We have the three major ones: Secure, Anxious, and Avoidant. And a fourth smaller one called Disorganized. These four Attachment Styles are divided by two categories. There is the Secure category which has only Secure Attachment Style in that category. And there is the Insecure category which has Anxious, Avoidant, and Disorganized. People are put into these categories by the way they perceive and respond to intimacy with their romantic partner. These Attachment Styles differ in many ways such as their view of intimacy and togetherness, the way they deal with conflict, their attitude towards sex, their ability to communicate their wishes and needs, and their expectations from their partner and the relationship. The first thing I would like to point out is that you are not just Secure or Anxious or Avoidant. It’s a spectrum. So for example I am about 50% Secure, 40% Anxious, and 10% Avoidant as of right now. So I’m not just Secure. But since Secure is my strongest I have more Secure traits than Anxious or Avoidant traits. And this isn’t for the rest of my life. If I date an Avoidant for a long period my Secure will decrease and my Anxious will increase. If I date a very Anxious person my Avoidant will go up some. So your Attachment Styles can change over time based on life experiences. You may always be Anxious, but you may be less Anxious as you get older or marry a Secure person. Studies show that about 50% of the world is Secure, around 20% are Anxious, 25% are Avoidant, and less than 5% are Disorganized. In future episodes I will go over in more detail what each Attachment Style is all about so you can see where you fit in. And I’ll share a link in the show notes so you can figure out your Attachment Style if you haven’t already. For Secure people, they feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving. For the Anxious person, they usually crave intimacy and are often preoccupied with their relationships. For the Avoidant person, they usually equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness. Now you might be thinking ok so I learned I’m Anxious now what? Or why are Attachment Styles important? So understanding Attachment Styles is an easy and reliable way to understand and predict people’s behavior in romantic situations. For example let’s say you are Anxious and you would like to be less Anxious. Well having this knowledge can help you identify an Avoidant quicker. Avoidants will make your anxiety go up. With Attachment Styles knowledge you can see the Avoidant use distancing strategies against you causing your anxiety to rise in response. Wouldn’t it be nice to just figure out someone is not right for you quicker and move on. Or if you are already in a relationship, this information can help you improve your chances for success. It can help you understand your partner better. Maybe your partner didn’t have great parents like you. It’s not their fault their parents developed their brain a certain way making it more challenging for them to be successful in relationships. With this knowledge you can work together for a better future. This knowledge is also great for the parents. I think we all want our kids to be better than us. This knowledge can help you so you can hopefully keep your negative traits from affecting your kids. The infant is already sensing and can recognize their mother’s voice in the third trimester. Our children are already noticing and sensing things before they are even born, which is kind of scary. Once I got this knowledge, thanks to a therapist I had gone to see, I was able to understand past relationships way better. I was able to see when I was with a strong Anxious person how I sometimes became irritated by them and would not be as affectionate. I was able to see when I was with a very Avoidant person my mind and body turned into a ball of anxiety and I was acting in ways I’ve never acted before. And with the Avoidant person I was the one wanting to cuddle and have affection. I was like two different people in some aspects depending on who I was with. Thanks to this knowledge I can also see how my friends and families are in relationships. I can spot trouble pretty quick now for those in new relationships. And most importantly I can see what my ex-wife and I did wrong and right for our four kids as they start to get in relationships. So knowing your Attachment Style at a minimum can help greatly. Knowing all the types will help even more so you spot what doesn’t work for you or what you both need to work on. Also if you go the therapy route you can better explain to your therapist. The majority of them have at least a basic understanding of Attachment Styles. I would say the only negative to having this knowledge is not giving people a chance. I use this for me now in dating. Sometimes you can rely too much on it before giving someone a chance. So at least try not to use it too until a few dates in. Because the reality is we all have red flags. But we also have green flags. You just hope that they have more green flags or that the red flags are big issues like commitment. I also can’t help using it when I’m watching bad reality tv. But I feel like 90% of the reason they are on reality tv is because they have issues or desire to be important. So now you know why most of the relationships on the Bachelor fail. Haha. So hopefully this episode gave you a basic understanding of what Attachment Styles is? What is it about? And why is it important? Life is short and it would be way better if we had less issues in our brain and less effort to find our partner. My goal is to help you achieve that. In the next several episodes we will get deeper into Attachment Styles. And as I said earlier knowing your Attachment Style now will help when you listen to future episodes. I will leave a link in the show notes. If you want to google it then google Dr. Chris Fraley’s Attachment Test. That’s one of the more detailed tests I’ve come across. My book recommendation is Attached for getting some knowledge about Attachments Styles and that book also has a test in it to figure out your Attachment Style. I will also link these two on my website relationshipsandrelationshits.com. Have a great day and see you next time.
8 minutes | Jul 29, 2020
What are Relationship Attachment Styles?
Alright this is the first official episode of the Relationships and Relationshits podcast. I mean there is a trailer talking about my background but now we are really getting into it. So first thank you for listening. Now if you haven’t listened to the trailer I highly recommend it so you can know how I ended up teaching about Attachment Styles and what led me to starting this podcast. And also like I said in the trailer, the first several episodes will dive deep into Attachment Styles. Once we get through that we will figure out the next step. Maybe I’ll start bringing on some mental health experts at that point. There are definitely a few counselors, therapists and psychologists from TikTok that I’d love to have on this podcast. Alright let’s get into today’s episode so you can learn Attachment Styles which is a great start to understanding yourself, your partner, or future partner to give you a better chance at success. On today’s episode we are going to talk about the history of Attachment Styles. I feel like it’s always a good thing to know where the knowledge came from or developed. Especially if you are skeptical that your life experiences in the first several years of life can have a lifelong effect on you in your relationships. Trust me they can. I see comments daily on my TikTok account about this. So let’s get started on the history of Attachment Styles. Psychiatrist John Bowlby is the man who started Attachment Styles. Back then it was called Attachment Theory. In the 1930’s he worked at a child guidance clinic in London. He treated many emotionally challenged children there. These experiences shaped his belief that the longer a child was with their mother the better they were in the categories of social, emotional, and cognitive development. And basically they would have a better adult life the longer they were with their mother as children. Over the years Bowlby observed and studied his Attachment Theory. He believed that the child would form only one primary attachment and that would be the child’s security. He also said the first 5 years were very critical for their development of an attachment. Another psychiatrist named Harry Harlow did several experiments from the late 1950’s to 60’s. His studies involved monkeys and a warning it is sad. The first experiment he took newborn monkeys from their mothers immediately and isolated them for 3-12 months. He then put them back with other monkeys but not their mother. The monkeys reacted by clutching their own bodies and rocking back and forth, they became aggressive towards the other monkeys, they had trouble communicating and socializing, they got bullied, they self-mutilated by scratching and tearing their own hair out. Basically Harlow screwed up these monkeys while showing the importance of having a mother. One of Harlow’s other studies took eight newborn monkeys from their mother and then replaced mom with two surrogate mothers. One was made of cloth and one was made of wire. Four of the monkeys could get milk from the wire mother and four of them from the cloth mother. The monkeys were studied for 165 days. Both groups of monkeys spent more time with the cloth surrogate even if she had no milk. The monkeys would only go to the wire surrogate for milk. Then return to the cloth surrogate. If a frightening object was placed in their cages they sought security with the cloth surrogate. The monkeys would also explore more when the cloth surrogate was there. Harlow then compared these monkeys with monkeys that grew up with their mother. The monkeys without their mother were more timid, they didn’t know how to act around other monkeys, they were easily bullied, they had difficulty with mating, and the females were inadequate mothers. These monkeys were the monkeys left with the surrogate for more than 90 days. The monkeys that had surrogates for less than 90 days were able to reverse most of this trauma when put back in a normal environment. So Harlow’s experiments were cruel but did show the effects of not having your caretaker at a young age. Or a non-responsive caretaker. Alright let’s get back to humans and less terrifying tests. Bowlby had another psychologist that worked with him by the name of Mary Ainsworth. Ainsworth took Bowlby’s studies and took it a step further. Ainsworth devised a study called the Strange Situation Classification. Also known as the Strange Situation Test. This test was based after Ainsworth’s work in Uganda and Baltimore. In the 1970’s she took 12-18 month old infants, their mothers, and the experimenter into a room. Several things happened in about three minute intervals. The experimenter left the room. Then a stranger joins mother and the infant. Then the mother leaves the baby alone with the stranger. Then the mother returns and the stranger leaves. Then the mother leaves, leaving the child all alone. Then the stranger returns. And finally the mother returns and the stranger leaves. Ainsworth and her team then put these infants into three groups based on several factors but mainly their reactions to each event. In another episode I’ll go into more detail but for now I’ll keep it simple. If an infant cried when the mother left but was easily comforted when the mother returned then this was a Secure infant. If the infant did not soothe easily when the mother returned and almost punished the mother for leaving this was a Preoccupied Anxious infant. If the infant appeared to not care when the mother left or returned this was an Avoidant Infant. And that was the beginning of the three major classifications. About a decade later a fourth was added called Disorganized thanks to psychologist Mary Main, who worked for Ainsworth at one point. Disorganized infants seemed scared when the mother returned. Disorganized is a small population that is usually made up of physical and/or sexual abuse and possibly adopted children. In the mid-80’s Main and her colleagues developed the Adult Attachment Interview (AAI) which uses adults’ memories of their experiences with their parents as children to categorize them into one of four attachment styles. She found that adults that were securely attached had securely attached children. And parents that had were insecurely attached, had insecurely attached children. In another study, pregnant women were given the AAI. Their children were tested for their attachment style at 12 months. The study demonstrated that the children had the same attachment as their mothers. And from that point on tons of studies have been done. I will say that some studies show a connection from childhood to adulthood and some say there is a weak link. One study showed that you had a 70% chance of being the Attachment Style that you were as a kid. I know from my experience talking to friends, family and those on social media that you can usually tell if someone is secure or insecure once you learn about their caretakers. But nothing is ever 100%. One other thing to point out is that it is a spectrum. You are not 100% one thing. You could be mostly Secure with some Anxiety and a little Avoidant. We will go through that in more detail in the next several episodes. So this is just the basic history in a shortened version. I won’t go through everything because it would take hours. I just wanted to share with you how Attachment Styles came to be before we dive into Attachment Styles. In the next episode we are going to get into more detail of the Attachment Styles and help you figure out yours, your partner, or anyone you want to figure out.
11 minutes | Jul 26, 2020
My story with Relationship Attachment Styles
Welcome to the first episode of Relationships & Relationshits. I know some of you are like finally, he’s been promising this on TikTok for a while now. Well I finally got my shit together and I am ready to dive deeper than I can on TikTok. A lot of you have been asking for more in depth information, especially about Attachment Styles. But before we get into the relationship stuff let me introduce myself for those not familiar with my TikTok life. And I know some of you are thinking “why is this 45 year old man on TikTok.” And it’s because I saw the power of it to educate people. And luckily I was right. The kids are always first on the app and then us adults pop up and ruin it for them. By the time you listen to this TikTok might be the next MySpace. But that’s okay because I was able to help thousands of people out during the TikTok craziness. So my name is Jason Green and I thought I would tell you a little about myself in the first episode and what I hope to accomplish with this podcast. Why the name Relationships & Relationshits? First I want you to know what this podcast is about, which is relationships. The second part, Relationshits is because relationships are hard, they take work, and there’s a lot of shit that happens in all relationships, good and bad. I never thought I would be doing a podcast about relationships, but here I am. So here’s a little bit about me and my relationships so you know where I’m coming from. So my first serious long-term relationship was straight out of high school, that one lasted 15 years. But like a lot of marriages it ended after many ups and downs. But no regrets because I got four good kids out of it. Then I dated off and on for several years here and there. At one point I found a woman who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I tried to learn from my mistakes from the 15 year marriage, so that I could make this relationship be better. But after a few years the relationship failed. It seemed like the harder I tried the worse the relationship got. It made no sense to me. I felt like a total failure. I finally had found the woman I wanted to grow old with and she fit most of the things I was looking for. But I could not make the relationship work. I was so frustrated that I even talked to her best friend a handful of times for any kind of help or advice. I don’t recommend that by the way, even though she was helpful. I put the best friend in an awkward situation. She wanted the relationship to last too but she could only help so much without violating the trust of her best friend. I loved the ex so much but I couldn’t make the relationship work. Near the end of the relationship we discussed therapy to fix the relationship. We both decided to do individual therapy and then come together for couples therapy. It seemed a little weird to me that we wouldn’t just do couples therapy but I went along with it because I wanted to make the relationship work. So we both scheduled our therapy sessions. Hers was a week before mine. The week leading up to her appointment it seemed like she was avoiding me but I gave her the space she wanted. Two hours after her first therapy session she called me up and broke up with me. I haven’t seen her since. My therapy session was scheduled a week later. I decided to still go, to at least help me get over the relationship ending. And until that session I wasn’t really big on therapy. I’m so glad I went. In that first session I described the relationship from my point of view. Halfway through the first session he told me, it sounds like she is a dismissive avoidant. He said that is most likely her attachment style based on what I had told him. We were near the end of the session so he gave me a quick explanation of what Attachment Styles are. So after that session I wrote down dismissive avoidant and attachment styles and I looked it up once I went home. I will explain what Attachment Styles are in the next several episodes. Just know that Attachment Styles says that your relationship with your caretakers/parents as a child has some effect on your romantic relationships as an adult. And the three major ones are called Secure, Preoccupied Anxious, and Avoidant. Secure being the best, then Anxious, then Avoidant in my opinion. So I googled dismissive avoidant attachment style. I went through several websites and thought how does this person know so much about my ex-girlfriend. I spent the next several hours reading up on the avoidant attachment style because I could not believe how accurate it was. I felt like whoever provided all this information on the internet was watching our failed relationship. That night I bought two books about Attachment Styles. Now I hate reading, but once I got my books I read them in the next 48 hours because it was so interesting to me and therapeutic. And then I kept re-reading them. Since the breakup was still fresh I decided to write down all the situations from the relationship to see how her and my Attachment Style reacted to each other. I stopped writing after about 50 situations and over time added some here and there as memories popped into my head. And most, if not all fit with what I learned about Attachment Styles. All of a sudden 90-95% of our issues made sense. Now I do want to throw a disclaimer out. It takes two for a relationship to fail. I definitely accepted my part in the breakup. But sometimes one partner is putting more effort into making it work. And I have no problem saying I put in more effort to make it work. She may disagree and that’s okay. We are all humans and we all have our own perspectives. Now it didn’t solve the problems but it did let me know why things went certain directions. As I learned this I started thinking about previous relationships, especially the longer one’s and I could see the patterns. The next week I went back to therapy. I told my therapist all I learned and then he taught me some more. Then we discussed my Attachment Style. Since I am human, I of course was looking at her faults and not paying much attention to my own faults. Now with Attachment Styles you are not just one thing, it’s a spectrum but you will most times be stronger in one category. I learned that I was a middle of the road Secure and a middle of the road Anxious and very little Avoidant. I was just a little more Secure than Anxious at that point in my life. I also learned from my therapist how your partner directly affects this. For example as a Secure person dating an Avoidant I became more Anxious. And if I dated an Anxious person, some Avoidant would come out of me. And I also learned there are levels. So if I dated an extreme Avoidant my Anxious would go through the roof. It all made sense. And of course I can have those effects on my partner too depending on my Attachment Style spectrum. Now even though the relationship was over I now understood why things went the way they did. For a short period it actually made me love my ex-girlfriend even more because I felt like I finally understood her. I now can replay moments that happened or things she said and I now realize the deep levels of some of those situations. I finally was cracking the code on her but she wasn’t around anymore. I wanted badly to tell her what I learned but I knew she wouldn’t listen to me. I realized she had been done with me for several months, she just had trouble letting me go because she had her own internal struggle of what to do, because she did love me. It didn’t matter that I would do anything possible to make her happy. It didn’t matter that no matter what I would have stood by her to work out our issues. It didn’t matter that no matter her past, I would’ve totally accepted her because we all have baggage. But I knew it was too late in her eyes. So I didn’t chase after her even though I knew with this knowledge there was a much better chance of making the relationship work. So even though it killed me, I asked anyone connected to her by social media from my family and friends to not tell me what’s going on in her life. I knew that would just make me feel worse and after what I learned about Attachment Styles, I knew her next several steps anyways with this knowledge. I knew how long she would grieve, I knew how long until I would be replaced, and I knew how long that next relationship would probably last. All of a sudden I turned into a fortune teller because of this Attachment Style knowledge. So instead of wondering what my ex was up to, I dived deep into learning about Attachment Styles. It helped me heal my hurt. And during this time of learning I thought, why don’t more people know about Attachment Styles. It helped me out so much. At one point I reached out to my friend Whitney Lauritsen on the “This Might Get Uncomfortable” podcast and recommended the book “Attached” for her co-host Jason Wrobel after hearing him talk about his father in several episodes. She asked me to come on and talk about it. I did the podcast and thought that was it. I did my part to spread the message. I kind of cringe now listening to it because it was my first time on someone else’s podcast. And I was nervous, and tired from the plane, bus, and uber to get their L.A. location. On that podcast I was able to help Jason recognize his Attachment Style. We even talked after the podcast as he drove me to downtown LA for another event I was attending. I enjoyed helping him become more aware of why he did certain things in relationships. A few months later I decided to share this knowledge on TikTok to spread the message a little more and it took off like crazy. As of writing this I
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