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It has been six years since this journey began. Here are some final thoughts on the journey. Episode 20/20

What brought the whole journey together for me was two things: To understand my life as a pilgrimage, and not something I attained or owned. And to have a daily consecration prayer that brought it all together and called me into wonder. It helps remember the journey, and to embrace a life of recapturing wonder. Episode 19/20

One of the other things that stopped me trusting the Trinity to call me into flourishing was their justice. I felt they were unjust, especially that good and bad people flourished. I wanted the good to flourish and the bad people to receive justice, which here meant punishment. What I failed to understand was that I was sometimes the bad guy. And, more importantly, I had no wonder for how their justice held mercy, love and forgiveness. When I began to have wonder for this, I realised how their justice called me into life, released me into life, freed from all the mess that got in my way. What I found was that having been released into this, and holding wonder for all that the Trinity is, I began to be described as foolishly courageous, and I was pleased to be called it. episode 18/20

For so long I have believed lies about myself and about the Trinity. What I discovered was that the Trinity says to me, "I am enough. I am loved. I am cherished." What causes me to struggle to believe these statements is one word: not. It is inserted into them by Satan. The Trinity says, "I am loved." Satan says, "I am not loved." and with that one word so much of my world is brought undone. This is especially the case when I find myself in the darkness of life, in suffering or hardship. What I found was that holding wonder for how the Trinity's heart is always for me, especially in the dark, changes everything. Episode 17/20

For so long I have believed lies about myself and about the Trinity. What I discovered was that the Trinity says to me, "I am enough. I am loved. I am cherished." What causes me to struggle to believe these statements is one word: not. It is inserted into them by Satan. The Trinity says, "I am loved." Satan says, "I am not loved." and with that one word so much of my world is brought undone. This is especially the case when I find myself in the darkness of life, in suffering or hardship. What I found was that holding wonder for how the Trinity's heart is always for me, especially in the dark, changes everything. Episode 17/20

I was developing trust that God's heart was for me, that Jesus heart was for me, that the Holy Spirit's heart was for me, and that the Trinity was present and active in my life, but what I lacked was trust that they could call me into flourishing. I wanted control over flourishing, even after all I had been through. And I didn't know how to gain that trust. Episode 16/20

As I started to live with the Trinity actually present and active, I saw a similarity with dancing. How I needed to join the dance, and now watch from the side. How the Trinity call me on, help me to dance, and ask me to lead. I also began to practice active waiting. Not passive waiting where I didn't expect anything, or victim waiting or giving up. Active waiting, where I held vulnerable expectation of them and what they could do. That I needed them. Episode 15/20

In order for me to trust the Trinity in my now, I need a way to see them present and active in my now. I didn't want to look back and see how they had done something, or to hope they might do something in the future, I needed to see how they are present and active now. I found both. That they are always present and here and near and intimately available. And that they are always active and vital and committed and generating the new. What followed was some of the most heartbreaking moments of my life, where my wonder was broken and repaired, and where I saw the Trinity powerfully present and active in my life and the lives around me. NOTE: I had so much trouble reading this out. At times I sound emotionless, and other times my voice is breaking. Sorry. Episode 14/20

After finding the first three guideposts I felt so blessed. Then I tried to find a way to hold onto it, which developed fears that I couldn't, and I quickly lost sight of the Trinity. It happened fast. What I found, again, was that the Trinity found me, again. And what I needed to learn was that life is always in the now: not the past or the future, but right now, and I needed to find ways to live with them in my now. Episode 13/20

The last thing I found at this guidepost was to give away blessing and empowerment. To trust that the Trinity give out of abundance. This was a challenge, because I hoard blessings and empowerment. I fear God's heart my be against me today, Jesus might be absent, and the Holy Spirit might stop blessing and empowering me. When I understood they are always coming to me, it changed. Now, I try to be more aware of what the Holy Spirit is doing for me, in me and around me. Episode 12/20

This was one of the hardest parts of my track to walk. I have such a hard time receiving blessing and empowerment. I know I want it and need it, but it is built into me to earn it. Even if I get it I fear losing it. What I needed to learn was how to receive a blessing. Sounds simple, but it was so hard. What I also needed to learn was how to be empowered, rather than do it in my own strength. When I comprehended this, and began to let it happen, it change so much for me. Episode 11/20

Having found wonder and God's wild heart and Jesus the Shepherd/Poet, I saw the 3rd guidepost for the Holy Spirit quickly. What I didn't count on was how much garbage was in my way to this guidepost. How much I wanted to control the Holy Spirit, and how much I wanted to limit his blessing and empowerment. When I understood all that was possible, and how I gained control by giving up control, even more wonder opened up to me! Episode 10/20

What I gained at this guide post was more than just seeing and hearing Jesus again. I began to see all of him again. In particular, I began to see how he was active in my wilderness, leading me to safety, contentment, strength and rest, right in the middle of the wilderness I found myself in. Episode 9/20

The metaphor that complemented the shepherd, the one that helped me hear his voice and listen with wonder, was the poet. The rebellious poet, who was both God and Human, full of wisdom and revelation and grace. The place where the shepherd and poet came together for me was when I understood that Jesus was pleased to identify as me and saw me as a saint. Not a forgiven sinner, which leaves me stuck in the past, but a restored saint, that is both sacred and loved by him. Episode 8/20

It was weird to me that the first guidepost I found was about God. At the time, God wasn't a big issue for me- I assumed he hated me. What was a big issue was that I could no longer see or hear Jesus. The first question I had was about Jesus, and it was this, "Where are you, Jesus?" However, after finding that God's heart was for me, I saw Jesus again when I saw him standing next to God. They share a wild heart. This changed everything again. The first metaphor I found that helped me see all of Jesus, was the Shepherd. It helped my hold wonder for all of Jesus's life, and not just the transaction of forgiveness. Episode 7/20

When I was honest with myself, I knew I had some serious trust issues with God. What happened when I did the wrong thing and got lost out in the wilderness? Was God just waiting to punish me? What I learned was that God's heart is always for me. Even before I acknowledge that I do bad things or ask for forgiveness! It is who he is. What I gained at this guidepost was the courage to trust his heart, and it was one of the bravest things I have ever done. I also found three new sacred utterances that I now call over my life: "Thank you, God, for loving me with all your heart.""I will wrestle with the mess, but fight for joy.""God, help me to have the courage to trust your heart, and live with expectation that you are for me." Episode 6/20

What God helped me see, post May 2014, was how little trust I had for him, and some of the things that stopped me trusting him. This included simple things like the metaphors and names I used to limit God, rather than allowing God to actually be infinitely beyond my experience, knowledge and imagination. And it included seeing some of the world as sacred and some as profane, rather than acknowledging that I, and everything in our universe, is sacred to him. What I came to understand is that we are not connected to God, we are entwined in God. Where I go, God is in a loving relationship with me. Episode 5/20

Guidepost 1: God’s heart is wild. In May, 2014, I lost my trust in God. My faith in God and attempts to control him and the limit to only accept the reasonable about him killed off my wonder for him and relationship with him and my trust that his heart was for me. I was done. What I found next was his wild heart. Episode 4/20 I am also beginning to share some art works with you, so you can partner with me in creating this podcast. The art will complement the podcast, and they will be in limited number. The first one is a small prophetic art work about carrying wonder with you in your wilderness. Check it out on Instagram, Twitter and purchase through my website. Episode 4/20

The call to follow wonder can be challenging. I am so thankful for the explorers and guides who helped me find my way. How they helped me notice wonder, resist limiting it, step into it, and find a wonder-full life. Episode 3/20

I used to define wonder as marvelling at a flower or a sunset. This is very limited. What I found on my journey was a different definition, and it is this: to expect that in every moment of my life there is something new to experience, know and imagine. Episode 2/20