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Not Actually Film Critics
63 minutes | Jul 27, 2021
Playtime - Tell Them the Vampire Sent You
Oh how sweet it is to be reunited. Gibbs and Zea are back and tell of their Southern vacation tales, including a memorable trip to a New Orleans vampire bar. We then round out the theme of Madness with Mox's pick, the French 1967 film Playtime. Dizzying choreography and visual gags mark this 2-hour loonfest, and comes recommended from Dunkey himself.
37 minutes | Jul 20, 2021
[Bonus Episode] The Evil Timeline...
Just Mox and Izzy again. Netflix's Kingdom America: The Motion Picture Izzy's 3D printer Trash talk about Gibbs and Zea The Batman circle jerk Thoughts on theatrical releases during covid Upcoming movies The Tomorrow War is having a sequel?! What are movies that need to be on the big screen?
110 minutes | Jul 13, 2021
[Bonus Episode] Better Than Nothing... a Tomorrow War review
Zea and Gibbs are out this week! Izzy and Mox go bonkers and records a 2 hour rant on everything they've been doing recently. Mox goes deep into exploring all the current issues with the anime industry. A Quiet Place 2 Othercide It Takes Two Rick and Morty Season 5 The Tomorrow War Rurouni Kenshin live action movies The Conjuring 3 Vivy: Fluorite Eye's Song Wonder Egg Priority I give up... there's way too much to keep count...
64 minutes | Jul 6, 2021
Misery - Bigfootjob
Izzy makes his triumphant return as an educator of Mexican food. Zea inevitably initiates some kink talk and we get to the sexiest myth out there, Bigfoot. Gibbs finally picks a film people want to watch with Stephen King's Misery (1990), a horror masterpiece and our highest-rated movie as reviewed by the gang.
69 minutes | Jun 24, 2021
Images - Welcome to Poop
It's the episode where Izzy is gone, so you know that means: 1) Dinosaur talk. 2) Crosswalk talk. 3) Video game immersion. 4) Our sponsors Movie Review Timestamp: 33:00
73 minutes | Jun 16, 2021
Persona - Benjamin Belly Button
Have you heard about the curious case of Benjamin Belly Button? Gather round the podcast as the gang reminisces on his age-defying exploits. Izzy knows the secret to baby powder, and it's not pretty. Also not pretty: Gibbs having Timmy removed at the "baby factory". Zea tries to understand the mythos of Santa and cryptocurrency, while Izzy tries to understand why he dreams of being a sleeping Abe Lincoln's chair. It's a weird episode and movie, Persona, which is a 1966 Swedish film made by Ingmar Bergman. If you like artsy movies, this is your lingonberry jam; otherwise it's a Swedish snoozer. Watch the movie with us by downloading the synctrack here. Movie Review Timestamp: 21:35
8 minutes | Jun 10, 2021
(Bonus Episode) Behind the Scenes - SyncTracks
Just some behind the scenes on how we get our SyncTracks started. We hope you all appreciate the time and effort we spend on making these for you! Also, police brutality is not funny guys.
61 minutes | Jun 10, 2021
Dracula 3000 - Vampire... in SPACE!!!
Watch out, it's another boomer rant as we reflect on the Internet was ruined by boomers. Gibbs has an idea to take advantage of the touring Summer Olympics... or maybe he doesn't. In true empathetic fashion, we mourn the loss of children in British Columbia, Canada, allowing Zea to reflect on her previous vampire origins. This somehow leads perfectly into our last "space" film, the 2004 made for TV film Dracula 3000, a real stinker of a film which makes for some stupid fun. Movie Review Timestamp: 29:24 And don't forget, you can always watch the movie with us - just follow along with this SyncTrack.
61 minutes | Jun 2, 2021
Space Sweepers - Bebop Wars
It's never a bad time for toilet talk! Gibbs has found a secret bathroom at work, and he's excited to share with everyone, or not. The gang recounts their nice bathroom experiences and decides it's time for someone to make a map of the best bathrooms. Zea learns about squatty potties and is floored. Then we jump into the recent Korean science fiction thriller Space Sweepers (available on Netflix). Though the characters can be corny at times, we all agree it's a fun watch.
65 minutes | May 26, 2021
The Man Who Fell To Earth - I Want to Bowiebe
The gang is back from a vaccination break spacier than ever. We explore the Trader Joe's mask experiment that Zea and Gibbs are running and ponder if vaccination badges need to be a thing. Gibbs has a Pokemon trade of deep regret that he needs to get off of his chest, while Izzy needs to unload about his superiority complex for his Sam's Club shopping. We wonder if everyone else has also gained pandemic pounds (...or COVID kilo's) since Izzy is starting his intermittent fasting, and speaking of dropping things, what's the deal with Captcha? Will we forever be doomed to prove our humanity by choosing pictures of sidewalks? And don't forget the most burning of questions - how fast can a Segway really go? The crew then talks about the 1976 film The Man Who Fell To Earth, where David Bowie "acts" as an alien (we know the truth). You're going to love this film if you are a Bowieber and you may hate this film if you are Izzy. Monty Noooo! (Video Here) Movie Review Timestamp: 20:09
64 minutes | May 12, 2021
Sputnik - Cosmonot Human
What's the deal with... all the rampage Mario makes and the mess left behind? And with Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order (which Zea reviews)? And with the lack of good video games in the Star Trek universe? And with Gibbs' apparent slurping? And with Zea thinking Asians eat loudly? And with Zea not finishing.................. her sentences? So many deals to get through this week. Mox then kicks off his chosen theme of Space with the 2020 Russian film, Sputnik, a science fiction-space horror story about a cosmonaut who brings back some extra baggage from space. For having a $2 million budget, this is a low-key good film with some surprisingly good effects and an unsurprisingly Russian take on emotions. Movie Review Timestamp: 29:05
62 minutes | May 5, 2021
Color Out of Space - HP Cagecraft
It's a ball-tingling episode as we get straight to discussing cock-and-ball torture and remembering the day we learned about testicular torsion. If that isn't sexy enough for you, Zea shares her first encounter with a bikini barista, and we wonder how other jobs can be sexified. Then it's on to the last of the Nicolas Cage films, 2019's Color Out of Space, where Daddy Cage meets Lovecraftian cosmic horror in a delightfully dark story. Ol' Saint Nic is back to his old tricks of putting weird stuff in his mouth, pineal gland stimulation, and of course, MomSon - when family really comes together.
60 minutes | Apr 28, 2021
Vampire's Kiss - Uncage the Cage
Surprise, it's another saus fest as Zea sits out what is frankly an exceptionally testosterone-riddled episode. We discuss the misnumbering of musketeers, if unfattening can look good over time, and we're keeping track of all the famous people who are dropping elbees. Then, we watch LIVE with an attached SyncTrack for the 1989 film Vampire's Kiss. It's settled that Cage is best as Cage in this movie, and it's 👍.
7 minutes | Apr 21, 2021
(Bonus Episode) Legend of Zelda Discussion
Since Gibbs wouldn't stop talking after the episode we got into an interesting discussion about the Zelda series.
59 minutes | Apr 21, 2021
Mom and Dad
You like anime ya nerds? Do ya? I bet you do. Well, we talk about quirks and Narotu, as well as the hottest new game, Amongus. Oh yeah, and memba jukeboxes? And the 80s? They were great. We then talk about the 2017 film Mom and Dad, and Cage is a crazy mudafuga. Def recommend.
61 minutes | Apr 13, 2021
Left Behind (2014) - Come At Me Leprechauns
The crew opens up the dictionary to understand bukkake and even add a new related word. Then they talk about bonobos, AKA the sickest fucks of primates, which leads Gibbs to discuss his latest idea of animal sex toys. Nicolas Cage "stars" in 2014's Left Behind, though it's mostly a planwreck of a film. Unless you're Christian.
64 minutes | Apr 7, 2021
THX 1138 - Numbers Are the Future
The gang get straight to it with some hot dick talk, including what it's like to have a double dick and the amazing side effects of vaccination. It's a Millennial Power Hour as we lick our lips thinking back on floppie dicks and the early Internet days. We then review George Lucas' 1971 film THX 1138, which has us amazed at its wondrous futuristic effects... until we find out they were done in 2004. Still, everyone still enjoys Lucas' world building and vision even if the baldies' rebellion is a slow burn.
51 minutes | Mar 24, 2021
I Care A Lot - Rererevenge
Mox turns in an astounding performance on only 5 hours of sleep as we review his 2020 pick, I Care A Lot. Before that, we discuss the pressing question of moan vs. groan: can you use them interchangeably? You decide as we do our best impressions. Izzy explains his misgivings about artificial food coloring. Peter Dinklage makes funny faces and Rosamund Pike is a stonecold "guardian". We... don't care a lot for this film, but it's aite. Movie Review Timestamp: 12:35
73 minutes | Mar 10, 2021
White God - Heartless Hungarians
Disclaimer: WE ARE NOT SPONSORED BY BOSS BABY 2 (...yet) This week we watch the Hungarian White Fang-inspired film "White God" (2014) as we begin our theme of rebel. Zea can't make it this week because of the potentially traumatizing (implied) animal abuse in the film , so the guys mansplain their way through... what Disney has done recently, including Mox's review of "Raya and the Last Dragon" and the shockingly low ratings for "Artemis Fowl" trigger warnings getting vaccines We talk about this movie, a lot, which is funny because we ended up thinking it was mediocre. Our overview: A Disney plot with evil dog catchers and breeders brings down one of the best animal performances we have seen in a while. If you want to feel bad about animals or were once in a Sarah McLachlan commercial, this is for you. Movie Review Timestamp: 23:02
74 minutes | Mar 3, 2021
Possessor - Remote Control Assassin
The gang goes really dark and talks about... Getting high with your parents Euthanasia designer drugs Bath salts Capital punishment Then we get into the excellent Possessor (2020) and rave about Cronenberg Jr's mental horror film. For once, the gang all agrees on something as a solid movie! Movie Review Timestamp: 20:12
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