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16 minutes | Apr 14, 2020
Get Your Sh*t Together!
When people leave us, and break our hearts, or when we force ourselves to leave those we cared about, our minds become over confluent with anger and confusion. All we can focus on is how much we hate our exes, and how much we just want to get as far away from them as possible and move on. So, we try, and we do, with the most common way being “finding a rebound”, latching onto said rebound, and deceiving ourselves into believing that we are actually in love with said rebound, when, more likely than not, we are only confusing love with the strong desire to forget. Some of us tell ourselves that we can completely separate anger from love. Some of us can even convince our rebounds that we are not confused. When people leave serious long-term relationships, where they had so much love and care for their exes, and immediately tries to jump back into the dating market without even waiting a week, they are looking for a distraction. When people swear on their lives that they are completely over their exes and rushes to start something new with strangers, they are looking for a way out. When people say “I love you” within a month of dating, they are looking for a replacement. How long can we live in denial before we realize that we forgot to slow down and work on our pain before jumping into new potential pain? How long before it takes us to realize that we no longer “love” the people we are with because we never loved them in the first place? How long before we stop distracting who we are and what we want from ourselves with what we want from others? How long before we can reach the stage where we no longer rely on people to make us happy?
26 minutes | Mar 23, 2020
We are Selfish in Relationships
We are people who have been told to behave in certain ways, so many times, that it has become instinctive. We have become so used to falling in “love” before falling in “like”, that we have trained ourselves to rush into relationships before thinking. We not only begin to manipulate and brainwash others, but we also begin to brainwash ourselves. The core of this problem is: the need for validation. When someone has feelings for us, but we do not necessarily feel the same way, we become addicted to the attention and the validation that this person gives us. We become obsessed with someone worshipping us that we do not even care who the person we are with is. We live in an age where we no longer fall in love with people themselves; we fall in love with what people are willing to give us and whether we believe that is enough. When we fall in love with materialism and love selfishly, we set ourselves and others up for “infidelity without remorse”. We lose our empathy for how someone else feels and act based on what we want, and ONLY WHAT WE WANT. We open doors to seek out other partners when the ones we have fail to give us everything we want. When two people love each other, what they can and cannot offer each other is irrelevant. They love each other as the persons that they are, despite the goods and services that they can provide. Love does not get torn apart when one person refuses to become the “slave” of the other. It is only out of selfish love, do we seek out other potential “slaves” that can continue the work of previous “slaves”. When people are in relationships where they report feeling unhappy and used, it is because they are.
11 minutes | Mar 13, 2020
The expression of jealousy itself is not a sign of mistrust. When jealousy is not accepted well by the other party, it turns into mistrust on both sides. The person to whom the jealousy is being expressed, feels accused, despite having a reason or not, and becomes defensive. The person who is expressing the jealousy feels as if the other person has something to hide by becoming defensive rather than being open and becomes paranoid and neurotic that his/her feelings are being ignored and avoided. When this occurs, trust cannot be resolved. Both parties can try, but there will always be this lingering feeling of whether the other person is still faithful or not, and hence, will eventually cause more and more accusations. When jealousy is not properly accepted, it can also act as a trigger for impending acts of infidelity. When people are being accused of doing something that they are not doing, their minds instinctively go to the rebellion and the “I’ll show you” mode. They begin to have the mindset that, if someone is already accusing them of doing something, and therefore, somewhat believes that it is already happening, they might as well just do the act they are being accused of because there is essentially nothing left to lose. When jealousy is not well accepted, people become consumed with jealousy until they eventually tear relationships apart with neediness and mistrust or with anger and pain. Relationships can never work when jealousy meets aloof. Jealousy is inevitable in relationships, but relationships can be saved from it with understanding, and that is what everyone in any kind of relationship should strive for, whether romantic, familial, or social, because all “negative” emotions can be resolved when both parties understand the situation and are willing to work though the negativity.
10 minutes | Mar 9, 2020
Prisoners of Our Emotions
Feelings are the strongest when we are most vulnerable, so we engage in behaviors that would be insane to us otherwise. We are all intelligent people who know that our feelings do not define us, yet when we are broken, that logic no longer exists. But what if these “feelings” did not exist? What if, instead of becoming emotional over heartbreaks or other tragic incidents, we become fully logical? What if we experience a painful breakup, and instead of breaking down in tears and anger, we simply acknowledge it and move on. Before we go into the consequences of what happens when we lose or turn off our feelings, people actively choose to become indifferent, apathetic, and unemotional after breakups. There are classes, clubs, organizations, and self-help books and videos on how to remove emotional pain IMMEDIATELY post-breakup. They challenge people to numb themselves, prepare for the worse at the very START of the relationship, expect everything to go wrong until proven otherwise, and if, and when, the relationship falters, they would have already been prepared, well equipped to deal with and cease any pain that comes with heartbreak. But is this what we want? Pain is painful, yes, it is in the word, but with pain, also comes a soul, a person, and a unique life. We think we want to forget and become numb to avoid feeling pain. We think forgetting and not caring will make us able to move on quicker and skip the five stages of breakups that almost all people go through. But what do the five stages of grieving after a breakup mean? Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance are all critical stages in learning and building ourselves whole again after being torn down. Most people look at these stages, dread the first four, and quickly want to move onto acceptance. But moving onto acceptance right away takes away our chances to learn from our mistakes, to learn the types of people that we can and cannot get along with so we can avoid making the same mistakes, to learn more about what we want in a person as opposed to our physical impulses and external attractions. So, what are the consequences of turning off our feelings rather than just letting them flow through us? When we turn off emotions and how we feel towards situations, we experience a lack of emotional and physical pain that can prove deadly to our bodies. Normally, when we experience mental pain, such as heartbreak, our minds and bodies take in this information and learn from it: 1) The types of triggers that cause us to react emotionally, 2) How quickly or slowly our bodies react to different situations and, and 3) How our bodies recover and the time it takes to do so.
18 minutes | Mar 2, 2020
I once knew an actor for a week: very responsive, great personality, and what seemed like a great connection. The first date ended well, made plans, went our separate ways, and ended the night with promising conversation. Then it all fell apart. No answer, no responses, no more of the daily conversations we used to exchange back and forth. So, naturally, I thought: “What the fuck is going on?” “How can someone who seemed to like us just ignore us with the blink of an eye?” “Did he die?” “Did I say something wrong?” “Was there something in my teeth?” I then proceed to ask him: “Hey, haven’t heard back from you.” “Did I do something wrong?” “Did I scare you away?” “Do you not want to talk anymore?” “Are you ghosting me?” “If you do not like me, can you at least tell me?” While this all seem like normal conversational behaviors for the victims of ghosting, they apparently appear as a crazy act of obsession for the other side. No answer. For SEVEN days. Then, a response. “Not ghosting you. I’m overwhelmed by the texting. You can still text me, but if I don’t respond IMMEDIATELY, don’t FREAK out.”
12 minutes | Feb 21, 2020
We are Plagued by our Emotions
The world around us becomes our enemy. We become bitter and angry when we see others in love. We slap on fake smiles to hide our miseries. We are dying from the inside out. Heartbreak destroys lives and perceptions become clouded. We begin to hate when we used to love. We become selfish and angry when we used to be sweet and kind. We become crazy and obsessive when we used to be independent and strong. Our entire world flips and we no longer recognize who we are. Whether we are male or female, whether we fit society’s standards of attraction and intelligence, whether we are the dumper or the dumped, whether the relationship was long or short, and whether we were in love or just pretending, heartbreak cripples all of us equally. We all experience the same devastating shatter in our hearts when a lost occurs. It pains us when the people we used to call our lights now become our enemies. It pains us when we no longer have the support system we had for years. It pains us when the people we used to love now see us as strangers. How do we deal with this pain? How do we breathe when our minds cannot fathom reality? How do we wake up every morning when the depression weighs us down? How do we “get over it and move on”?
23 minutes | Feb 16, 2020
Love Cannot Be Forced
Chasing after someone who does not want us is one of the most crushing experiences we deal with because we lose all value in both our eyes and theirs. We end up destroying our own lives for someone who is still going to move on and live happily, regardless of how miserable we are. It does not matter how great the relationship was, perfect or flawed, successful or failing. If someone’s mind is already made up about leaving, it is going to happen, and anything we try and do to prevent that, will only catalyze the process. As much as I still care for the people who have walked in and out of my life, I have learned, the hard way, that even if you care a lot about some people, they are not worth pursuing if you sacrifice your own mental well-being in the process. If people truly cared for us, they would be preventing, not instigating, our sufferings. They would be making it a priority to NOT hurt and leave us (and none of that crap where they come back after being away for six months and we suddenly believe that they love us again). Exes usually only come back because they have tried to find someone else and failed, or because they crave the chase and attention we shower them with. They say all the right things and make us feel like the most special people in the world so we will take them back. They call us every night (for a few weeks) and tell us how they cannot wait to spend their futures with us, making us fall in love again. Then, they take it all away and pretend like we are nonexistent again.
12 minutes | Feb 11, 2020
What's Wrong With Us?
We need to stop lying to ourselves that we are not in pain. We need to stop trying to quickly heal ourselves from losing the ones we love by having mindless sex or serially dating other people. We need to stop covering out true pain with fake smiles, so others think we are okay. We need to stop pretending that we are okay when we are not. Even more so, we need to stop obsessing over the ones we have lost and bombarding them with every thought that pops in our heads. That may have been alright to do at one point IN THE RELATIONSHIP, but when someone wants out of a relationship, for any reason, valid or invalid, stupid or not, we need to learn to accept that, and let that person go. I am not innocent or logical when it comes to breakups, and my impulsivity can turn me from a sweet and caring girlfriend to a crazy psychotic bitch who does not know how to accept rejection and move on. I go back and forth with hating my exes. Loving them. Apologizing for actions I have not committed. Begging for forgiveness and second chances. Accepting responsibility for all faults of the relationships since day one. Telling myself that I am better off without them. Denying the reality of the situations. Attempting to move on by dating the next person I run into. Becoming angry and hostile when pleads to my exes do not work. Becoming depressed and borderline. Sitting in my apartment for months, drinking, binging, and hating the world. Completely losing myself. Being desperate and heartbroken makes us ignore what is going on. We become addicted to reaching out to our exes and the idea of our exes, rather than wanting to be with them. Our addictions blind us from what we want and keep us focused on one goal: TO GET THEM BACK. Read more on this podcast and other excerpts in my new book "Crazy & Obsessed: Addicted to Relationships" now available in ebook and paperback format at Amazon and Barnes & Noble!
12 minutes | Feb 6, 2020
Unrequited love allows us to blame others, aka the people who won’t love us back, rather than ourselves for not being in a relationship. We use it as an excuse to avoid facing failure when our love lives go awry, or when we are too scared to open ourselves up to others. We use it as a crutch for our loneliness and our antisocialism, reasoning that no one else can replace the love we feel for this “other person”. Unrequited love is an act, a created scheme, a constructed diversion to escape from our fears when it comes to finding love and being in love. We fear the unknown and we are terrified of relinquishing control to someone else and not being able to control our own fates. But that fear is only in our minds. We can only be as afraid as we let it. Rather than searching for love and having it eventually backfire, we choose to seek out the people we know we cannot have to make ourselves feel better. We intentionally become self-destructive because we are afraid of feeling powerless. Fear is not something that can be eradicated for us. Fear is something we need to channel the power to overcome ourselves. Unfortunately, there is no quick fix or easy solution to overcoming unrequited love. It is something we choose to possess and it is something we need to choose to remove. However, think about it this way. Would you rather spend your life living in heartache of unreturned love and a life of loneliness, never experiencing sorrow and pain, but also never experiencing passion and intimacy, or would you rather take a chance at finding passion and intimacy, fully knowing that one day, that passion and happiness can be taken away, but at least you would have had the chance to at least experience it? The choice is completely in your own hands.
13 minutes | Feb 1, 2020
Debunking No Contact Rule
What is the no contact rule? Essentially what most people believe is that the no contact rule is a short period of time, usually between 30-90 days, where we have absolutely no contact with our exes, not through phone, text, social media, or email. If we break the rule at any point, despite how late in the game we are, we have to start over from day 1. This is supposed to help our exes calm down and forget about our flaws that made them break up with us and only remember the positive things about us, the things that made them fall in love with us in the first place, making them want us back, making them miss us, and making them reach out to us, which in most cases, they do, but not in the way we expect. I want to talk about why the no contact rule doesn’t work. First off, the idea of this rule, despite whether it does or doesn’t work, is extremely manipulative and does not represent love. We’re pretty much using it as a way to trick people into thinking that they love us just because they miss us. When you go from spending all your time with someone to not even speaking to them, you are going to eventually miss that person, even if you don’t want to be with them. Even if we do get our exes back, this deceit will only make it temporary because all the problems that caused the breakup are still there. Second, this rule gives us false hope that if we stay silent long enough, then we will magically get our exes to love us again. When does that ever happen except for in movies!? We hold onto this false belief that by that 30 day or 90 day mark, we will automatically be back with our exes. But what happens when that day comes and we still don’t hear from them? We’re crushed, right?! We spend all that time getting our hopes up just to get shot down again, leaving us even more miserable than we were before. There is never a guarantee that staying silent will make them come back. we can’t force someone to talk to us if they don’t want to. Third, even if our exes do contact us during or after the no contact period, it doesn’t necessarily mean they want us back, or if they do, it doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship will work out. Our exes may text us and say they miss us, causing us to break the rule, thinking that it worked and they want us back, but sometimes saying “I miss you” does not equate to "I want you". And just like that, one “hi” or one “I miss you” pushes us back to square one of the no contact rule. This creates a constant mind game for us. We battle with ourselves on whether we should answer their texts, and we battle with ourselves when we keep cycling back to the start, falsely assuming that receiving that text means the relationship is repaired. This also creates a gateway for off and on relationships. By answering our ex’s text, this lets them know that they can crush our hearts and destroy us, and we will still want them whenever they choose to come back. This tells them that it’s okay for them to come and go as they please because despite what they do, we will always be waiting. Finally, the no contact rule is SUPPOSED to help US heal, not help us win our exes back. Most people falsely believe that this is a game rather than a healing mechanism. The concept of the rule is that by not interacting with our exes long enough, we eventually push them out of our minds, allowing us to heal because we’re no longer thinking about them. This is why the rule is so difficult to do. We are literally forced to walk through our pain day by day until we can wake up feeling okay again. People always ask if there is a fast track or a shortcut to the no contact rule. Some articles even suggest how it’s okay to cut the no contact rule down to 2 weeks. but from most people’s experience, that never works. We go back and forth between waiting and contacting, just to get hurt over and over again, never allowing ourselves to heal.
5 minutes | Feb 1, 2020
Introduction: My Obsession
Breakups suck!! Am I right!? One minute we feel like we’re truly in love and ready to spend the rest of our lives with someone, and the next, our partners are crushing our souls and trampling over our hearts. We feel like we have been kicked in the face and our trusts have been tossed into the river, leaving us completely betrayed. Let me share with you a little bit about my experience with romance. I had my first relationship when I was 19 with someone I thought I was truly in love with. However, after about a year, he texted me out of the blue and BROKE UP WITH ME. YES, I SAID IT. THROUGH TEXT! What the hell, right?! I proceeded to call him after I received that text, with high hopes that we could talk so I could at least figure out what the hell happened. We had gone from not having any problems for an entire year to breaking up. And of course, like most cowards who break up with someone via text, he refused to pick up the phone. So I tried again. And again. And again. And again. And if you’ve experienced this, you can probably guess what happened next. That’s right! The more he ignored me, the more obsessed I became. I needed answers. I craved closure! It was killing me to not know why he was leaving me, and that there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. So I continued calling. I continued texting. I even showed up at his front door and refused to leave until he gave me answers. But all he did was ignore me. He refused to acknowledge me and that just fueled me even more. Soon, I became crazy. I became obsessive. I began stalking his every move and social media presence. I tried to manipulate his emotions by lying, anyway I could, to get his attention. Eventually I did, but only after I had moved on. The moral of my personal experience is that we never truly know what we want or don't want until it is either taken away from us or we lose interest in the chase. The "love" we believe in when we are in relationships only truly occur when we think the other person is "ungettable". We feel as if we are not loved until someone chases us, and we ignore the chase because it only fuels them more. Just because we engage in obsessive actions such as chasing or stalking, does not make us obsessed as these behaviors only last temporarily. Just because popular belief tells us that stalking someone makes us "insane" doesn't mean we should define ourselves as that because we can very well go from stalking someone one day to climbing a mountain the next. Obsessive and crazy behaviors do not mean we are also obsessive and crazy.
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