Actress Gabrielle Stone is a Californian born to actors Dee Wallace and Christopher Stone. You may have seen her in "Speak No Evil" or "It Happened Again Last Night." But her latest release is her memoir, "Eat, Pray, #FML," which written during a time which she says was worse than finding out her husband of two years was in the midst of a sex-month affair with a 19-year-old.Stone doesn't disappoint in this conversation as she shares not only her wisdom and wit, but is completely vulnerable where others might not.__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________1:53 For me, I found the most nurturing and fulfilling relationships come when you're unfiltered and authentic. And I think that translated into my writing. I remember when my mom read my first draft, which was like the vomit draft of the book. She said, “Oh, God, Gabrielle, are you sure you don't want to, you know, change your name? Or maybe take out one of the people that you slept with? Like, tone it down a little bit?” And I was like, “No, you know, if I'm gonna put this piece of my life out into the world, it needs to be raw and in your face and how it happened and not tone down." Because I think that's what people will resonate with. And I think that it's proven to be 4:53 So, the thought onion is my kind of technique that allows you to look at your thoughts and your reactions that you're having, and really break them down, to understand where they're coming from, and what hurt place inside of you needs to be looked at in order to have different thoughts or different reactions in the future. So you look at it like an onion. And the first level is the superficial thought. And that's kind of the first initial knee jerk reaction that you have when something happens in your life, though, you know, before the words can even like be processed, they're escaping your mouth and you're like, Oh, I wish I wouldn't have maybe reacted that way. And then you take a step back and underneath that is the authentic thought. And that's the layer where the emotion that caused that initial reactive thought is coming from like, what place in me is being ignited to cause that first reaction. And then you take a step back from that and underneath that is the subconscious layer, which is where the real goal nuggets are. And that's usually a deep rooted subconscious belief or a trauma that happened to you when you were younger or something that really you've been holding on to for a very long time. And when you can get to that layer of it, that is really what's driving the reaction in the first place, then you can say, Okay, this is what I need to address and heal and work on if I'm going to make shifts with myself in the future.8:31 I am a firm believer that your trauma is not an excuse to treat other people badly. It is your responsibility to go and heal that trauma before you bring others into your orbit in a in a big way. And it really for me was a big learning lesson that I'm not the person that supposed to take care of someone in that way. You know, it wasn't my responsibility to protect to take care of him. And while I showed him an immense amount of compassion, I think, where I faltered, was not taking what was happening in his world at face value and waiting for something more to come of it.10:19 It's always been me and my mom, like if he had if she has someone come in if I have someone come in, it's like you're welcome and welcome to the family. But also it's don't mess with our bond. And I think a lot of it had to do with going through that grief together, even though I was so young, you know, she had to keep going for me. And she's been the one constant in my life. She's always been the, the person who didn't abandon me that I didn't ever have to question was going to be there. And I've never had that before with any other person. You know, in my life, either. They had chosen to abandon me or they had died. And so it she's really more than my mom. She's my best friend as well. I mean, don't get me wrong, we still, you know, have our bickering moments and we're still mother daughter. Um, but yeah, especially now that I'm older and past my angsty teenagers. Were very much so each other's confidence.11:58 There's a big misconception of, “Oh, she's so strong”. You know, “Nothing can hurt her.” Everything can hurt her. It's just she's gonna get through it. You know, the divorce didn't kill me. Javier didn't kill me. All the things I've been through in my life, all the death. None of that broke me. But does that mean any of it was easy to get through? Absolutely not. Did I feel strong going through any of that stuff? No, there were times, especially with the Javier saga, as I call it, um, where I was felt so broken. And you know, it, it was probably one of the lowest points of my life when I came back from Europe because I was on this amazing trip. And, you know, not that all of it was fun and partying, there was a lot of obviously reflecting and healing and processing. But everything was moving. So, it was constantly like, I'm going here, and now we're flying here, and I'm meeting these people, and I was never still. And then I came home. And that all stopped. And I had to then realize that I was divorced, living at my mother's house, heartbroken. And be like, what, where do I go from here, you know, especially as an actress, when you're only working when you book a job, and you're working. So, it was like, I really felt like I had nothing and I sunk into one of the biggest depressions I've ever experienced. And that's actually where the self-love cocktail was born. Which is why I don't write about it any pre FML until the epilogue, because I really didn't realize it and have it fully click until I had to pull myself out of the dark pits of depression. 14:33 For me that whole trip I was like searching for how do you love yourself because every person was saying, Well, you can't love another person until you love yourself for loving yourself as the most important thing and I was sitting there going okay, guys, I'm ready to do that. Can anybody tell me how please, like, just give me instructions to follow and nobody could. So, I was searching for this mythical feeling that everybody constantly talks about. And when I came home, the way that it was born was that I was so depressed I was in my bed and I was in that type of depression where you just want to sit in it which is scary and Didn't want to get up didn't want to do anything want to do like eat and binge watch TV shows, which oddly sounds like my, like my quarantine. And, and so what I did was like, Okay, I'm gonna write a list of all the things that used to make me happy and used to make me feel better. And for me that was going to the gym and eating well and dancing, creating, writing. And I put that list on my mirror and was like, okay, as long as you give yourself two of these things you've earned getting back in bed and watching TV or doing whatever you want to do. So consistently, for a couple of weeks, I was doing that. And then I would add in another one and another one until I was doing three to four to five things a day that really made me feel better, and made my soul happy. And that really is as simple as it is. That's loving yourself. Because when we're in relationships, any relationship dynamic, a significant other a mother, daughter, brother, sister, when we want that person to feel love, we give them and show them things that make them experience love. So when we want to give love to ourself and experience self-love, why would we not do the same thing?16:49 I don't think that you can't fix yourself and have a healthy relationship while you're working on self-love. I don't think it's one or the other, I don't think you have to break up with your current partner to go figure out how to love yourself, and then you can have a healthy relationship. I think it's a mixture of everything. And I think everybody's different. I know for myself personally, that I need to be consistently filling my own cup up and making sure I am happy and not letting that be dependent on another person. So, I but you know, I the person that I'm with now in my relationship, there were times we were together when I was still figuring out how to love myself there were times where I was not doing great. And it's you know, it's just about the people coming together to the table both willing to work and the other person recognizing like, okay, “She needs to go on this type of journey right now or she needs to you know, still be doing some work and vice versa.” I think it's a constant thing there's you know, I can talk about self-love and how I'm healed and everything's so peachy and great and it is but like in a week I'll be like oh my god I can't do it anymore guys. And so, it's it's constant it ebbs and flows. That's life. You know, 19:01 So many times and not always in relationships, even with goals that people set, they'll be like, “Oh, you know, I'll, I'll go after this dream I have but after I do a B and C.” Or, “Oh, you know, I'll eventually complete this task but maybe I should really do this, this in this first.” And in the timings never right. You're never ready. Um, my current relationship came into my life at the worst possible time and was wrapped all frickin wrong for me. And I fought it every step of the way. So it really is a matter of just… I'm a big proponent of saying, “yes.” And you know, after my divorce was probably the biggest time where I should have put a wall up and protected my heart. And instead, weeks later, I fell blind fully in into the arms of Javier. And if I would have cautioned myself and said, “No,” or “Let's take it slow,” or “I'm not booking my trip to Europe,” where the hell would I be right now? I mean, I can't even imagine. So I'm always a big advocate of just saying, “Yes.” Obviously, don't ignore the blatant red flags that are flying in front of your face. But you know, say yes, jump if the universe is putting it in front of you. Even if you get your heart broken, it's gonna lead you somewhere where you need to be.20:35 Yeah, that trip absolutely changed my life. The reflecting that I did, on that trip changed my life, the experiences that I had the people that I met it, it really, if you look at my life as a blueprint, you can see how every single decision and step and bad thing that happened led me to being right here. And I would take that path over and over again to get here.21:39 I’m a walking example of everything happens for a reason. I mean, normally, or sometimes you can't see it until you're on the other side, looking back at it. But even when I found out I was going on this trip by myself as heartbroken as I was, I still was like, oh, okay, well, my biggest fear since I was a little girl is fear of abandonment. And this is the universe's way of making me go face that shit head on.22:46 I've always pushed through somehow, or walked through the fear. And I think that's when really big change happens, and really big rewards happen. But I do believe as silly as this may sound, I do believe that my big life purpose, at least thus far at you know, 32 was to go on this journey and find all this out and write this book to help other people heal. And it's, it's definitely been worth it every step of the way.23:42 I'm always going to tell you to book a flight and go solo travel, and not go with friends. Solo travel, there's something about it that forces you out of your comfort zone and forces you to really look at who you are and what you want, in a really beautiful way. So I think everybody should do it at least once in their lifetime. But I think that's in part for me why I started FML talk, which is my podcast, because there's so many questions that I get from my readers about, well, you know, this happened to me, how do I heal if I can't, you know, go across to Europe. And so I do different episodes on like Grief and Healing and cheating and divorce and forgiveness and all the things and, you know, it's really healing is not linear, and it's it's a very personal journey. So I can tell you specific formulas and things that have worked for me, but they might not work for other people. It's really about at the core, I think is deciding what you want to heal from and what you want to change and really committing to figuring out how to do that. That's where it all starts.25:47 I think it would have been really easy for most people to sit there and vilify an ex. For me, that's not what this book has ever been about. Even with my ex-husband, I mean, I didn't, at first I wasn't going to write the chapters, about the half finding out about the affair and the divorce, I was just going to kind of preface it with like, “I got cheated on and divorced. And here's the real story,” because that's really not what it's about. Um, and my girlfriend's were like, “No, Gabrielle, you have to go back and write that that was like an episode of CSI how you found out.” Um, so I did. But even in writing those my intent was never to vilify him. I mean, they were just facts. And actually, I left out some of the things that I had found, because it was just adding to him looking bad. And that wasn't my goal, either. My goal was to tell the experience of what I went through, and be truthful about it. And as far as Javier, I wrote that book on my trip, so I started at the day, I landed in London, and I wrote three fourths of it on my Europe trip. And even finishing it, when I came back, I was still very much in love with him. So, I was writing it from a place of love, and, you know, still being like, “this is what he did to me, and it sucks, and I'm heartbroken.” But I was never going to vilify him because I was still so in love with him at the time when I wrote it. And I think even with the second book, people will see that there's times where I still will protect him and things that happen. And there's times where I will call, call the bullshit. And I definitely being on this side of it now, two years after the fact. It, it really, I see a lot more clearly because I don't have those love goggles on anymore. But I wouldn't have done it any different way. You know, I wouldn't have wanted to write, “Eat, Pray, #FML” in a place coming from spite because it's at the end of the day, the two men in that book serves a huge purpose in my life, whether or not that was a positive or negative or it hurt me. Base served a huge purpose in my life. And for that I will forever be grateful. And there now characters in my story. 30:24 Well, I think when she first read the first draft, it was kind of like shock for her. You know, it's not every day that you're reading about your daughter's sexcapades. So I understand that, um, but she read the sec, for the second time she read it when it was fully, you know, done and published, where I had made some changes and worked on it with my editor. Not that a ton of it changed. But there was some parts that that shifted, and so she had had some time to process it then. And I will never forget, she called me when she was done. And she was in tears. And she said, “Gabrielle,” you know, she's obviously besides an actress, she's a world healer, and does healing work with clients all over the world every day. And she said, “I had just had a private the other day with my client. And they were saying, ‘I get that I have to love myself, you keep saying that. But like, I don't know how to do that.’” And my mom said, “and I couldn't get through to her in a simplified way of what she needed to do. And then I turned to the last page, and there it was in my daughter's book.” And I think ultimately now she's just very proud. Because she's seen firsthand how many lives it's touching people its affected.31:14 It's fairly new, I guess fairly new. We started about six months ago, I was kind of forced into doing it. People have asked me to do it since the book came out. And I think I had been a guest on so many that I was like, What am I going to talk about, everybody has a podcast, like I don't know. And then quarantine happened. And my one of my good friends was like, “Look, I'll produce it for you. Let's just do it.” 33:41 It's dependent on the situation and the person. But first and foremost, you have to feel it, you have to allow yourself to grieve it, you have to cry, you have to recognize and validate all of the feelings that you're experiencing. And then no matter how long that takes, you have to eventually decide that it is not going to define you, and you have to decide that you're going to move forward. And when you can make that decision, and utilize tools like the self-love cocktail and be like, “Okay, I'm really sad. This really sucks. But I am going to get better and move forward. So I'm going to give myself two things that make me happy every day,” and really commit to doing that it's an act of practice and when we're in that devastating pit of just sadness, that's the best thing that can start to pull you out is giving yourself things that your soul loves, that makes you happy and makes you feel good. That doesn't involve anybody else. It's a personal thing. You know, the stuff on your self-love cocktail list can't be like, things that are received from other people like, oh, it really like makes me happy when my boyfriend does this, or when my friends give me this, it has to be things that you can give yourself that you don't need any outside influences to do. And be patient with yourself. You know, like, it's not always going to be a quick fix, which is the hardest thing for me to wrap my head around. Because if there's ever a problem in my life, I'm like, “let's fix it, what's the answer?” Um, so to be patient with yourself, and you know, know that it's, it's a journey, and you're gonna learn something from it. And for me, what has always kept me going in dark times is knowing that everything happens for a reason. It's always happening for a reason, even if you can't see it now, and knowing that there's a light at the end of the tunnel, and that light is more beautiful than you can imagine.37:49 It, it was insane. I mean, my friends would call me and say, “What's going on this week in the Netflix episode that has become your life?” And so, this second book has a lot of characters reappear, where and it's always so funny to call them characters because they're real people. Javier is is in the second book. And we meet new characters, one of which is the, my, my relationship that I am in now, which people will see all over my social media. It's not not a spoiler, but um, what it took for us to get to where we are is his book worthy. And a couple of the fun characters that I met on my Europe trip do, do pop up everybody, you know, the first question they always have is, “Do you still talk to Javier? And did Chris come to LA?” So all of those questions get answered. And it's, it's kind of, it's been harder to write this second one than the first one. I feel like the first one kind of just channeled out of me, and I was writing it as it was happening. And the second one, I've had to go back over two years and dredge up things that I'm not necessarily proud of that I know, it's going to hurt some people to read, not super comfortable situations to look back on. And it's been a challenge, and I am ready to, to birth this second one out to the world. And then kind of close that that chapter. For what whatever that's worth and move on to the next phase.41:49 I used to feel like I had to dim my light and minimize, whether it was projects I was doing or my story, and I feel now that I can go all the way and it’s kind of limitless. And I feel a lot more stable in sharing my truth and being big – you know? Not having to feel like I have to tiptoe around and make sure everyone feels comfortable with my energy. I can just allow myself to expand and be comfortable in that.
