Welcome to Life After Losing Mom With Kat Bonner. In this episode, we’re joined by writer Kimmy Meyer. Kimmy lost her mom only 15 months after her brother passed away. Losing two loved ones in such a short period understandably sent Kimmy into a state of darkness and despair. Here, she shares her journey of dealing with that feeling of hopelessness and how she learned to find laughter and joy again.
What To Listen For
Kimmy’s story of losing her brother in a tragic accident followed by her mom passing away in her sleep just over a year later
How drinking became Kimmy’s outlet for numbing her pain after losing her mom
Her dad’s response to her endless heartbreak and grief
Kimmy’s darkest moments when she couldn’t handle living in a world without her mom
Her impossible wish to bring her mom back that left her isolated and alone
The inspiration her mom’s legacy gave her to stop drinking, turn her life around, and learn to rebuild her life
How Kimmy learned the difference between hopelessness and helplessness
The importance of connection in Kimmy’s healing process
Her views on the dangers of social media for someone who is grieving
How Kimmy reacts to other people complaining about their parents or siblings
Her most effective forms of therapy and what worked for her in learning to move on
How getting out of her comfort zone impacted Kimmy’s healing process
Wanting to connect to other people through books and writing her own story with the hope of someone else benefitting from her experience
The strategies that led her to learn to laugh, smile, and live again
The importance of finding your tribe in working through the grieving process
For Kimmy, healing was all about connection, whether to people in a support group, through the written word, or even in finding ways to stay close to her mom and honor her memory after she was gone. Kimmy’s double loss of her brother and mom made living seem impossible but finding the types of therapy that resonated with her brought her back from hopelessness and wanting to join them in death. While alcohol temporarily numbed the pain, today Kimmy has healthy outlets for processing grief that have allowed her to find joy, love, and happiness again.
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Transcript
Kimmy: 00:00 You feel so isolated alone and it's like, oh no, no. You don't have to be like where, where here? Unfortunately as like the club that nobody wants to join, but we're here to hold your hand and we're here to support you.
Voiceover: 00:11 In 2013, Kat Bonner lost her mom in a tragic car accident. She figured out how to manage her grief and is helping other women do the same. On this podcast, you'll hear from other women who have lost their moms and discover the exact coping strategies you need to get through the day and be in the best place you've ever been. Don't miss another episode. Subscribe today. More information can be found at KatBonner.com/podcast and if you'd like to join a group of likeminded women head to Facebook and search for the life after losing mom community. Lastly, if you're looking for help managing your grief book a complimentary connection call at KatBonner.com
Kimmy: 00:59 well, I would say ever since I learned about death when I was a very, I want to say it was about six or seven years old when I first understood death. Has a concept. Um, and I remember, I don't remember, I think it might've been around the context of losing my grandfather. Um, and, you know, kind of really trying to understand that and wrapped my brain around what that meant for him to be dead. And then making that leap immediately to being like, oh, that means Sunday mom's gonna die. And I remembered just being very, like, anxious about that for a large part of my childhood. And I'm trying not to focus on it too much because like, you know, there wasn't really gonna do too good, but, um, monopoly remembering, like, not idea, like, and it was always, it was my, my sole thing was on my mom. I mean, I love my brother, I love my father. Um, but it never occurred to me that, well, first of all, it never occurred to me that I lose my brother. And as you know, I, I lost him first. Um, um, and it never really occurred to me that I lose my dad. And I mean, for me it was always focused on my mom because I was such a mommy's girl from the start.
Kat: 02:23 Yeah, absolutely. Thank you for sharing. Um, awesome. Yeah, it's hard when you know, you're confronted with this and you know what it is, but that still doesn't, you know, make anything easier because no matter what, you still can't prepare yourself for like the death of your mom, even though, you know, eventually like, hey, this is probably going to happen while I'm alive and
Kimmy: 02:50 right.
Kat: 02:52 Yeah. So that's just interesting. Um, so let's say you were a mama's girl. Um, where was your brother? Sorry. Um, close to your mom as well, or just tell me a little bit more about the dynamic of your relationship with her.
Kimmy: 03:10 Sure. Um, well, a little bit of a back story or, because I'm adopted, so was my brother, um, as far as we know, we were never like, you know, related, but we're both adopted from Bogota, Columbia, um, and my parents, um, my mom really always wanted to be a mother. Like ever since she was a young girl, she's like, I want to be a mother someday. Um, and she and my dad, um, we're trying to get pregnant for a while. Um, had to go through fertility treatments and all that. Um, they finally did get pregnant. And then, um, my mom went into premature labor and lost, uh, lost the baby. He lives for day. I'm at six months. He was shooting only pregnant for six months. Um, excuse me. And he was, and then he was born and lived for a day and died. And then the doctors had told them at the time that it really wouldn't be a good idea for my mom's body or the baby that she was going to try to carry to do, to get pregnant again.
Kimmy: 04:17 Um, so at that point the doctor was like, you know, if you really want to be parents Sunday, you should probably look into another method like adoption. So my parents, my mom was like, well, that's it. Well, if we're, I need to be a mother, so we, this is how we're going to do, this is how we're going to become parents. Um, so my brother was adopted first. Um, and then, um, and I think secretly other than it was never outright said, but I think secretly my mom really wanted to have a daughter, which I understand. Um,
Kat: 04:50 so
Kimmy: 04:51 she, um, she did after she, after my brother was about three and a half years old, they adopted me and it was all over at that point. Like again, it was never stated like, Oh, you know, Kimmy are my favorite, like, but I think especially standing, uh, as an adult and sent him like at from a different perspective and looking back on my childhood, I can kind of see like out of that, I was my favorite from my mom. Um, although she loved my brother and, but they had a very, um, clashing dynamic because they were both very stubborn and both very hot headed, um, and wouldn't back down from each other. So they were constantly clashing and I always wanted to be the people pleaser, especially wanting to be like the people, the people pleaser for my mom. Um, especially as I saw her like getting into these types of my brother and everything.
Kimmy: 05:50 So I wanted it to be like, oh, okay. Like being mad at him, but there'll be mad at me. I'll follow the roles and the directions and yeah, like being quote unquote perfect daughter for her. Um, because I never wanted her to be mad with me and I always wanted her approval with everything I did. And so, and because of that, I think we became very close because mmm. Cause I was always more last time we saw her in her directions and doing what she told me to do with within reason. Um, so, uh, so we were really close. I mean, she, we bonded over, um, the love of reading and, um, and theater and traveling places. Even at a young age, she would bring me places and he just always had, um, I really, really close connection. Um, more so than I think, you know, I think my brother and her dad achieved some sort of connection, um, after he got through his teenage years. But it was never, I don't think as close as my mom and I,
Kat: 06:53 oh my gosh, that is so funny. Um, yeah, I love hearing about that dynamic. Just like your mom's relationship. You're actually, well, sorry, you're in your mom's relationship. I'm sure you're the first person that I've had on this show that's adopted, so like, wow, like they're quite, yeah, I'm like, they're closer to their mom and um, and I'm like, shoot, like, I mean everybody that like I've had on the show, it was like decently close to their mom. I'm sorry. But I was just like, okay. Like, wow, this is great. You have a great relationship. Um, but I mean it just goes to show that obviously blood doesn't make family. That's my purse, your Damian. But obviously no one really asked me about that. Um, so, uh, when I guess, did you realize like, because I know that your son was born after your mom passed, um, and you know, when you lost your brother before your mom, but do you think like the struggle and like your lack of Ho came from like losing your brother first and then your mom? Or was it just like you lost your mom and your, it was like, oh my God, my world is like tumbling down. Does that make sense?
Kimmy: 08:15 Yeah. Well, Liz, he, my brother was fighting expected and um, he was, um, riding home on his bicycle and Brooklyn, um, tried to go over a curb and miss judged it, hit his head on the curb, um, not knocked him unconscious. Um, and then he unfortunately was ran over by a, by a truck or are they never caught the person that ultimately tells him. Um, and that was completely blindsided. All of us. I mean, cause it was