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Life After Losing Mom

24 Episodes

4 minutes | Jan 10, 2020
Closing Episode
Follow my new Instagram and facebook @realkatbonner and keep checking for updates on the new podcast coming soon
39 minutes | Sep 4, 2019
Coping With Living More Years Without Your Mom Than With Your Mom With Elizabeth Snell
Kat's Facebook Group Kat on Instagram @katgriefcoach How is a woman's life after losing her mom? Is it always going to be a struggle? Will it ever be joyful again? Kat Bonner, Grief Coach shares her experiences and the stories of other Motherless Daughters to describe a "Life After Losing Mom." Need someone to talk to about your grief journey? Schedule a complimentary connection call at KatBonner.com
60 minutes | Aug 28, 2019
Coping With Abandonment After Losing Your Mom With Kathy McDermott
Kat's Facebook Group Kat on Instagram @katgriefcoach How is a woman's life after losing her mom? Is it always going to be a struggle? Will it ever be joyful again? Kat Bonner, Grief Coach shares her experiences and the stories of other Motherless Daughters to describe a "Life After Losing Mom." Need someone to talk to about your grief journey? Schedule a complimentary connection call at KatBonner.com
54 minutes | Aug 21, 2019
Coping With Anxiety After Losing Your Mom With Stephanie Ragar
Welcome to Life After Losing Mom With Kat Bonner. In this episode, we’re joined by Stephanie Ragar. Stephanie shares how fighting her anxiety has changed her life. What To Listen For Stephanie’s mom’s sudden cancer diagnosis. How keeping it together is actually Stephanie’s biggest downfall. Anxiety’s role in Stephanie’s grief process. How sometimes it can be challenging to talk with someone who doesn’t quite understand what you’re going through. What to look for in a therapist. The life-changing power of Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR.) How your body can know exactly what to do to get you through the grief process. “Grief Triggers” and what to do about them. There’s no right way or wrong way to grieve. How grief can take its toll on your physical health. Discussion about company grief policies. The importance of sharing your grief story. Stephanie is not alone in grieving the loss of her mom, but openness and sharing of her story helps give other women going through the same thing comfort and hope. Stephanie opens up about the hard reality of processing grief while dealing with anxiety, getting help, and the importance of sharing your story as a method of processing. Resources From This Episode: Stephanie on Facebook Stephanie on Instagram Follow Kat: Visit The Website Subscribe to the Podcast Join The Life After Losing Mom Facebook Community Like On Facebook Follow On Instagram
30 minutes | Aug 14, 2019
How To Become More Confident After Losing Your Mom With Diane Langness
Welcome to Life After Losing Mom With Kat Bonner. In this episode, we’re joined by, Diane Langness. On this episode, Diane shares how joining the military gave her confidence and how you can have more confidence in your life. What To Listen For Diane story of piecing together the facts about how her mother died in an accident. How Diane and her sister were left to basically raise themselves. The impact that seeing a woman in uniform had on Diane’s life. How getting involved with other women who have lost their mom enabled Diane to realize she’s not alone. How losing her mother at a young age played into Diane’s self-esteem growing up. The idea that being kind to yourself is key to managing your grief. Strategies for increasing your confidence. How Diane remembers that her mom is always with her in spirit. Resources From This Episode: Diane On Facebook Follow Kat: Visit The Website Subscribe to the Podcast Join The Life After Losing Mom Facebook Community Like On Facebook Follow On Instagram
48 minutes | Aug 7, 2019
Understanding How Your Mom's Past Led To Her Demise With Deborah Morbeto
Welcome to Life After Losing Mom With Kat Bonner. In this episode, we’re joined by artist and mother, Deborah Morbeto. What To Listen For How Deborah’s mother passed suddenly. How the element of surprise makes processing a traumatic event even more difficult. Deborah’s mom’s fear of death and its role in her life. How unhealthy relationships can take a toll on your health even when you’re physically healthy. The oxygen mask metaphor for relationships and how that’s crucial in your relationships. How Jada’s relationship with her mom evolved from tumultuous teenage years into a best friendship The mixed messages that we receive in today’s culture. How to be a woman in modern times. Why it’s important for women to own property and a secure financial plan in place. How hard it can be to watch someone spending money they don’t have to buy things that won’t bring them what they actually need. The sense of loneliness and isolation you feel when you lose your only parent. How losing your mom can feel like losing a limb. How to process emotions through creativity and art. Deborah lost her mom suddenly when she seemed to be in good physical health. But her mom wasn’t healthy emotionally and ultimately led to her demise. Deborah uses art and creativity to process her emotions and teaches others to do the same. How you process is up to you but it’s important to try and find an outlet or activity that works for you. Resources From This Episode: Deborah’s Facebook Page Deborah’s Website Follow Kat: Visit The Website Subscribe to the Podcast Join The Life After Losing Mom Facebook Community Like On Facebook Follow On Instagram
55 minutes | Jul 31, 2019
Becoming At Peace With Losing Your Mom Feat. Priscilla Cope
Welcome to Life After Losing Mom With Kat Bonner. In this episode, we’re joined by Priscilla Cope. She is a student, dispatcher, wife, chihuahua mom, and paranormal investigator. She’s staying busy as she moves through life without her best friend. What To Listen For The story of Priscilla’s mother's sudden diagnosis of bladder cancer. Priscilla’s experience with having a deaf mother and how Priscilla’s first language was actually sign language. How hard it can be losing your mom at a crucial age, such as during the teenage years. How Priscilla’s mom had to just stop treatment to be with her family in her final days. How Priscilla’s grief caused her to block out much of her memories from high school. Priscilla’s experience needing to care for her 8-year-old brother and how that caused her to avoid processing her grief. The link between depression and grief. How Priscilla began to self-mutilate as a cry for help. Dealing with a parent that’s alive and doesn’t want anything to do with you - and how that’s so much worse than a parent being gone that loved you. Priscilla’s experience of doing everything herself. The story of Priscilla’s significant other kicking her out. Priscilla’s story of being put on suicide watch and then making a huge life change and moving from Philly to Florida. How to use arts and nature as an outlet for expression and a way of keeping yourself busy. Realizing that grief can cause you to stop playing music and doing the things you love and that keep you healthy. How to take it day by day and remember that your mother’s spirit is here with you. Priscilla’s journey to being a funeral director. Priscilla’s advice is to be patient with yourself. Try taking each day one step at a time and experiment with ways to stay healthy. It could be exercise, nature or the arts. The key is finding whatever works for you. Resources From This Episode: Priscilla’s Instagram Priscilla’s Facebook Follow Kat: Visit The Website Subscribe to the Podcast Join The Life After Losing Mom Facebook Community Like On Facebook Follow On Instagram
61 minutes | Jul 23, 2019
Coping With Perinatal Depression After Losing Your Mom With Amanda Ingram
Welcome to Life After Losing Mom With Kat Bonner. In this episode, we’re joined by Amanda Ingram. Amanda is the admin for The Motherless Mothers of New England and shares her grief journey and specifically how she’s managed her battle with postpartum depression without her mom. What To Listen For Amanda’s recollection of losing her mom to a staph infection at the age of 12. Amanda’s feelings of anxiety surrounding her mom’s premenopausal diagnoses and how this might be something in Amanda’s future. How Amanda views her mom as a “big fighter” (she fought cancer for three and a half years) and the light in the room. How Amanda dealt with the fact that her Dad didn’t take responsibility for her after her mom passed. Amanda’s experience of moving in with her grandmother and then losing her only three years after her mom. “Essentially I've lost two mothers.” Amanda’s struggle with perinatal depression. How motherless women have a significantly higher risk of developing mental health problems when starting a family. How to process the trauma that happened in the past. How motherless women tend to fall on a spectrum of wanting children or not wanting children depending on how they process their grief. Amanda’s experience with perinatal depression and how it made her feel like she was having an “out of body experience.” How Amanda got help from postpartum.net Grief’s cyclicality and how unprocessed grief can show back up in your life ...even when you’re pregnant. Amanda’s recommendation to read Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman. Tips for managing misdirected anger as a result of losing your mom. How one must talk about their grief in order to process it. Info on Amanda’s group Motherless Daughters of New England. Amanda is very open about her struggles with perinatal depression and coping with losing her mother and her grandmother at a very young age. Through the connection with others and opening up, she is managing her grief the best she can and hopes others can do the same. She wants to impart the message that you are not alone and that connecting with others is key to managing grief. Resources From This Episode: Postpartum.net Motherless Mothers of New England Facebook Group Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman Follow Kat: Visit The Website Subscribe to the Podcast Join The Life After Losing Mom Facebook Community Like On Facebook Follow On Instagram
48 minutes | Jul 17, 2019
Coping With Not Having Your Mom As Part Of Your Life With Sharnelle Gervais
Welcome to Life After Losing Mom With Kat Bonner. In this episode, we’re joined by Sharnelle Gervais. She lost her mom in a tragic accident when she was only 15 years old. What To Listen For How Sharnelle wishes she could’ve said goodbye to her mom for closure because it still doesn’t seem real. How Sharnelle had to immediately step into a caretaker role for her siblings when her mom passed. Kat’s observations on how age affects the way you process grief. Sharnelle’s struggle watching her father move on and begin a new relationship. Kat’s tips for “feeling what you’re feeling” in order to process grief. How PTSD can affect memory. What to do when you realize all the ways your mom won’t be apart of your life in the future. The role of anger in the grief process and how to deal with it. How Sharnelle began to experience other teenagers taking their parents for granted. Sharnelle’s experience of living in a small town and it’s effect on her social life. How losing your mom makes it hard to let any other mother figures into your life. Sharnelle’s realization that she was going to have to figure out how to take care of herself because no one else would. That comparing yourself to others can steal joy from your life. Setting up constructive boundaries in relationships. How to confide in a significant other. Sharnelle is not alone in losing her mom at such an early age, but her raw honesty about losing her mom helps give other women going through the same thing comfort and hope. Without sugar-coating her feelings, Sharnelle opens up about the hard reality of processing grief while supporting others and learning to let new people into her life. Resources From This Episode: Sharnelle on Facebook Sharnelle on Instagram Follow Kat: Visit The Website Subscribe to the Podcast Join The Life After Losing Mom Facebook Community Like On Facebook Follow On Instagram Transcript Voiceover: 00:00 In 2013 Kat Bonner lost her mom in a tragic car accident. She figured out how to manage her grief and is helping other women do the same. On this podcast, you'll hear from other women who have lost their moms and discover the exact coping strategies you need to get through the day and be in the best place you've ever been. Don't miss another episode. Subscribe today. More information can be found Katbonner.com/podcast and if you'd like to join a group of likeminded women had to Facebook and search for the life after losing mom community. Lastly, if you're looking for help managing your grief book a complimentary connection call Katbonner.com Kat: 00:48 so before we get started with the episode, I just want to share something with you. I'm sure you've heard multiple times that grief is an individual process. Well, the people you heard this from aren't wrong because it very much so is you're probably wondering how can someone help me when they grieve differently than I do? That's why I'm so passionate about one on one coaching that is totally customized to you and your pain points. I let you guide me two ways. I can help you. I can only take on three clients at a time. So the spots are limited. I'd love for you to tell me how I can help you in your grief journey. Speaker 2: 01:34 [inaudible] Sharnelle: 01:36 I was 15 when my mom passed away. She was in aquatic accident. So we lived in our little small village, about a half an hour away from, uh, a larger city. And uh, our or her parents lived on an acreage just outside of that village. And we'd always just ride our quads up to the acreage and then ride them home while we were all at school one day. And my mom was going about her regular day and she, um, was riding her quad home from my grandparents house and she lost control of the quad and ran into a power pole. And then by the time emergency services arrived, she was in stable condition, but, um, she ended up going into cardiac arrest on the way to the hospital. Um, so she didn't end up making it. They couldn't revive her. So I remember it like it was yesterday. I was in school in the town half an hour away and I got a text from my uncle saying that he was going to pick me up and I thought it was really weird, um, because I always just would ride the bus home. Sharnelle: 02:45 So I was like, okay. So he picked me up and my brother was there and I think my sister was there too. I can't really remember. But, uh, he said that my mom was in an accident and that we had to go to the hospital. So I was like, oh no, like this isn't good. Is She okay? And he didn't really answer. So my dad was actually about three hours or so late working at the time, so he ended up having a police escort to the town to meet us at the hospital. So we were waiting at the hospital was my grandma and my uncle. And, um, my dad arrived and then they told us that she didn't make it, that she had gotten to quoting accident and that she had died. Um, so at this point I was 15, my brother was 10, I think, and my sister was 19, I believe, 19 or 20. Sharnelle: 03:44 And um, we were asked if we wanted to see her and say goodbye. And at the time I was 15 so I was like, no, I don't want to see my dead mom. So I opted out, which now looking back on it being almost 11 years this year, I really should have said yes because I feel like that would have provided a little bit more closure cause it's still just kinda doesn't seem like it's real. Like it's like she is just going to, you know, walk in and be like, Hey, sorry, I missed the past 10 years, but it really doesn't. And it was definitely the hardest thing I've ever gone through. Um, especially for being 15. I remember waking up the next morning because my mom wasn't there and I made everybody breakfast. And from then on I just kinda had to take care of them, my brothers specially. And I, cause my sister was so old, she wasn't even at home. So it was my dad and it was me and my little brother. And it was, I, I don't, I don't even know how to explain it. It was so unexpected and I, I don't, I honestly never really grieved I guess. Cause now like 10 coming on 11 years later, I still know that I just suppressed it. I didn't do anything about it. Kat: 05:17 Yeah, it's, I noticed that a lot. Sorry, this is just my first thought. So this is just coming to my head and then I'll get back to your story a little bit, but I feel like just people who lose their mom when they're younger, I mean, I guess to some people, 15 might be old. Um, but I consider that younger, so, and they're really like pivotal years that they like really repressed their grief and bottle it up. And then they really started to grieve years and years later. And that might not even be intentional, which is crazy because you're like, oh my God, how did I actually put this off for so long? And then there's another thing, degree of on top of actually grieving the loss and you're like, yeah, go like this makes no sense. So how, for starters, I want to say I'm so sorry for your loss. Kat: 06:14 I know that everybody literally probably always tells you that, but sometimes I just feel like I'm compelled to say it. Yeah. And sorry. Thanks. Interesting to me though that you kind of took over the motherly role when, I mean, I can understand like for your brother, but your dad was there. So can you tell me a little bit more about the dynamic? Like were y'all not close, you know, was he really like struggling in his grief? Like what made you feel like, or did you, you know, feel like you had to be more of a caretaker even though he was there? Sharnelle: 06:50 Um, yeah. So my, it was only for a little while because, and I, I have to be careful what I say just because I don't want to hurt my father's feelings cause I know he's going to want to listen to this. But he, yeah. Um, I, he definitely, it was really hard. He lost his wife and the mother of his children, so he was definitely going through a really hard time. He ended up losing his job because of it. And He, um, I just felt like I should help with some of this stuff because he never really was alone. He was with my mother's since he was like 19. And, um, it's just, it was, I don't know, I guess I'll just felt like I should help my brother and my dad deal with that. Um, it wasn't for very long. It was only about a month or two. Sharnelle: 07:45 And then his, my dad rekindled a relationship with his ex who he had a kid with just before he got together with my mom and she ended up moving in with her son because of their personal issues with her ex husband. Um, and that really kind of affected me. I just kind of from there just shut down I guess and kind of close everybody out and just kind of started moving on with my own life. Um, because it was so sudden like, and I know that he needed to move on and whatever, and I don't blame him, but I know that it was really hard for us as kids to have our mom passed away and then just a few months later have some other woman move in and try to take care of us, I guess. Kat: 08:52 Oh, bless your heart. Yeah. I, there's always so many feelings that, you know, come along with grief and I think that one of the hardest things to process, it's like how can you feel so many things at one time? And it really just goes to show that like you just have to like literally allow yourself to feel how you're feeling because that's the only way that you're going to get through those feelings and the only way that you're going to be able to process them. But I am curious, do you, maybe, and I hear this a lot from women just because I think it's because they're a woman, but do you think that you maybe took on the motherly role because like you're a female? Speaker 5: 09:46 Um, Sharnelle: 09:46 I guess it's mostly just because I am such an empath myself. Speaker 5: 09:52 I, um, Sharnelle: 09:55 just knew how they felt and I wanted to try to make them feel better, I guess. And I guess that could be because I'm a woman. I'm, Kat: 10:04 you probably never really thought about it
44 minutes | Jul 10, 2019
Finding Your Value After Losing Your Mom With Bella Norton
Welcome to Life After Losing Mom With Kat Bonner. In this episode, we’re joined by Bella Norton. Bella lost her mom to what she thought was an accidental drug overdose when she was 16 years old, but it wasn’t until six months later when she came to grips with the fact that it was actually a suicide, that her grieving process truly began. Bella opens up about her struggle to find value after her mom passed away and how she’s learned to manage those feelings and find ways to move forward in her life. What To Listen For Bella’s experience with coming to grips with the fact that her mom meant to overdose. How Bella struggled with anger towards her mom for taking her own life. Bella’s realization that even though it’s been nine years since her mother passed away, she still needs help managing her grief. How Bella is overcoming the feeling of not thinking she’s strong enough. How grief can make it hard to connect with other women and what to do about it. Bella’s experience of finding a best friend that has similar experiences as her. How having a best friend can increase the value you place on yourself. Dealing with having a real depressive episode after the loss of your mom. Bella’s realization that therapy is a powerful tool for coping with loss and that it shouldn’t be put off. How Bella has learned to put herself first and value herself. Bella and Kat’s thoughts on mental illness and it’s role in their mother’s deaths. The importance of joining support groups of like-minded women. How other’s actions impact our lives. How to deal with feeling ashamed of other’s addictions. How friends can let you down in your time of really needing support. Bella shares her story that everyone deserves to feel valued and loved and that grieving doesn’t need to equate to feeling less than. She’s found that connecting with real friends and support groups is key to managing her grief. Bella’s belief is that you are worth everything in this world. Your mom would not want you to look at yourself as a burden. Your mom would not want you to look at yourself like you're unworthy because you are. She brought you into this world and she loved you. Resources From This Episode: This is where you put the list of the guest links and links to any other resources (books, websites, etc.) mentioned on the show. They need to be in this exact formatting *note that there is no space between the ] and the ( Follow Bella Here Facebook Instagram Follow Kat: Visit The Website Subscribe to the Podcast Join The Life After Losing Mom Facebook Community Like On Facebook Follow On Instagram Transcript In 2013 Kat Bonner lost her mom in a tragic car accident. She figured out how to manage her grief and is helping other women do the same. On this podcast, you'll hear from other women who have lost their moms and discover the exact coping strategies you need to get through the day and be in the best place you've ever been. Don't miss another episode. Subscribe today. More information can be found KatBonner.com/podcast and if you'd like to join a group of like-minded women head to Facebook and search for the Life After Losing Mom community. Lastly, if you're looking for help managing your grief book a complimentary connection call at KatBonner.com. So before we get started with the episode, I just want to share something with you. I'm sure you've heard multiple times that grief is an individual process. Well, the people you heard this from aren't wrong because it very much so is you're probably wondering how can someone help me when they grieve differently than I do? That's why I'm so passionate about one on one coaching that is totally customized to you and your pain points. I let you guide me two ways. I can help you. I can, I'll, I take on three clients at a time. So the spots are limited. I'd love for you to tell me how I can help you in your grief journey. [inaudible] welcome to the show, Bella. Thank you. I'm excited to be here. Um, so I just like to start off every episode with each woman sharing what they want to about the loss of their mom. Okay. Um, so, um, well I'll start a little bit before the loss of my mom because it kind of all builds up, uh, to losing her. Um, so I basically knew that a, a pretty young age that, you know, my mom had issues, um, you know, some, some mental illnesses and um, she also struggled with an alcohol addiction off and on and opiate addiction off and on. Um, so from the age of probably, you know, five or six, I, I was kind of treated as an adult. Um, and knowing everything that was going on with her. Um, I remember going to, you know, the hospital multiple times, a young age, seeing her on holidays, you know, and she had attempted suicide at that point. Um, so, you know, all of my life I was, you know, Kinda treated as a parent of my own parents. Um, so leading up to it, you know, I, uh, she could be completely normal at times. She could be, you know, my best friend at times we'd have fun together. We sang, we danced, we did a lot of things together. Um, she really in me, um, and, and basically, you know, gave me my sense of self worth. Um, so even knowing all the issues she had, I still believed her. You know, when she told me like, you're, you're worth it. You know, you're smart, you're talented, you're pretty. Um, but you know, when I was 16 years old, things kind of started really going downhill with her. Um, I would come home from school some days and she would just be locked in her bedroom. Other days I'd come home and, you know, she'd be outside grilling hotdogs on the grill, wanting to hang out and have fun. Um, but it was about a week after spring break. Um, I came home, uh, I was getting ready to go hang out with my boyfriend at the time. Um, and I was getting ready, not care in the world. You know, I was 16 years old. I was, I was going to go have some fun. Um, and my younger brother, who is 13, about to be 14, um, at the time, uh, came to me while I was getting ready and said, I think something's wrong with mom. Um, so I went in and I checked on her, um, and she was laying on her bed, completely incapacitated. Um, and at this point I was like, well, she took too many pills. She'll be fine. I, you know, I'd seen it happen before and I didn't really think anything of it. Um, so I, I told my brother, it would be fine, just, just give a little bit of time. So maybe 15, 20 minutes later he comes back in, he's super upset. Um, and he says to me, there's something really wrong. Um, so I went back to her brain and at this point, um, it was, it was pretty evident that something was very wrong. Um, you know, so I called nine one one, they got on the phone, they were like, can anybody do CPR? And at the time I was, I was freaking out. Um, and so my brother did it. Um, it, it, it did not work. Um, they, they got her out, they got a pulse back in the ambulance. Um, and, uh, the next morning I didn't get to the hospital because I, you know, I, I, I really didn't want to see you that way. Um, then I stayed with some relatives in a hotel that night that it came out from my dad's side of the family. Um, and in the morning I called my Nana. That was my mom's mom. Um, and I asked what was going on and they said they had taken her off life support at about one 30 that morning, um, and thought it wouldn't be long. So, uh, I asked my Nana if she could put the phone up to my mom so I could tell her goodbye. Um, and I said, I love you mom. And then about 10 seconds later I heard it flat line. Um, so part of me was like, you know, she waited for me to say goodbye and the other part of me was just completely destroyed. Um, and so for about six months, everyone told me that it was an accidental overdose. Um, we'll come to find out. One day I was with my Nana and she said, you know, do you think your mom meant to do that? And I was like, in my heart, I know she did. Um, and she said, well, you're right and you have a letter. Um, say, you know, I got my letter from my Stepdad at the time. And, um, it, it was like starting the grieving process all over again because I had convinced myself she didn't mean to do it. Um, but she did. Um, and in her letter she made that very clear. Um, so that's, you know, a little bit about, you know, what happened and how it happened. Uh, yeah. It's, uh, it's been tough. Bless your heart. Well, thank you for sharing. Um, yeah, it's so funny that you mentioned not like funny, but like ha ha, ironic, funny. Yeah. Ah, yeah. You're actually the first guest that I've had on the show whose mom died of like an overdose. Like it's been like, you know, just natural causes or like cancer, something that, which those still suck. Um, yeah, but it's interesting cause I think society in general just does not take addiction seriously and they don't think that it is a disease. And it very much so is, uh, my mom was an alcoholic, so I mean, essentially addiction led to, you know, our mom's demise. Um, but it's so interesting too, and it's hard. At least it was for me in my ad. I'm assuming, you know, it would be for you too. It's like, you know, you can't blame them for getting addicted, but it's like their actions and their decisions led to their addiction. So it's like, okay, you're caught between a rock and a hard place. Am I just speaking out loud or different the same way? Oh, I definitely feel the same way in too. You know, my mom's dad committed suicide when she was seven years old. So for me it was like, you knew how this would affect me or might affect me and my brother and you know, you still took those steps to do the same thing. Um, which has been very hard for me to get over because it's, you know, it's something that I'd like to say now, you know, I don't have kids, but if I did that, I would never do that to them. And there's been a lot of anger, you know, but I at the same time, it's like I understand as I get older and her struggles, her addiction, you know, her mental
57 minutes | Jul 3, 2019
How To Manage Guilt After Losing Your Mom With Laura Duck
Welcome to Life After Losing Mom With Kat Bonner. In this episode, we’re joined by blogger Laura Duck. Laura lost her mom to a battle with cancer when she as 17 years old, but it wasn’t until four years later that her grief truly kicked in. Laura opens up about her struggle with guilt after her mom passed away and how she’s learned to manage those feelings and find ways to move forward in her life. What To Listen For Laura’s experience with delayed grieving that hit her four years after her mom passed away How Laura struggled with grief for years without being aware of it Laura’s belief that you can only be strong for so long and how things changed for her when her grief kicked in The things that Laura feels guilty about and what she regrets most about not doing with her mom when she was alive Her role today in holding her family members together and how her relationship with her dad has impacted her healing process How therapy brought her feelings of guilt to the surface and how she learned to move past them How grieving as an adult is different from grieving as a teenager Laura’s guilt triggers and what she does to work through them Laura’s realization that her grief process is a testament to how her mom raised her How her mom is still present, but in a different way, and how Laura has learned to find those moments How Laura processes feelings of guilt on good days vs. bad days The importance of telling others what you need to help with grieving Laura’s views on grief as a choice and how she makes a conscious choice to move forward How Laura’s obsession with positivity has impacted her experience with loss Why blogging makes an ideal outlet for Laura’s grief and guilt Laura shares her belief that everyone deserves to be happy and that grieving doesn’t need to equate to feeling guilty. She believes that everyone’s feelings are valid and explores this theme through connecting with other people, whether it’s her family or people she meets online through blogging and social media. For Laura, grief doesn’t rule every moment of her life, and she shares her experience in how she arrived at this positive place despite losing her mom and struggling with guilt. Resources From This Episode: Instagram Follow Kat: Visit The Website Subscribe to the Podcast Join The Life After Losing Mom Facebook Community Like On Facebook Follow On Instagram Transcript Laura Duck: 00:00 I'm like, well, you kind of like fake it until you make it. Like you kind of just keep like thinking right yet. No, it's going to be fine. It's going to be fine. And then one day you wake up and it is fine. Voiceover: 00:10 In 2013, Kat Bonner lost her mom in a tragic car accident. She figured out how to manage her grief and is helping other women do the same. On this podcast, you'll hear from other women who have lost their moms and discover the exact coping strategies you need to get through the day and be in the best place you've ever been. Don't miss another episode. Subscribe today. More information can be found at KatBonner.com/podcast and if you'd like to join a group of likeminded women had to Facebook and search for the Life After Losing Mom Community. Lastly, if you're looking for help managing your grief book a complimentary connection call at KatBonner.com. Laura Duck: 00:58 So I guess I'll be eight years in October. Um, so come up quite a while now. Um, to be fast. I feel like a lot of the people I meet through that, the kind of community on Instagram is all very new and role. Um, and it's hard to kind of find the middle ground, but yes. So it's nearly eight years ago. Um, and she died from a brain tumor on, it was the second time around. Um, so I think a kind of battle with cons, a lost and maybe like four years in total. Um, so quite a long time. Um, with, like I said, she got the Oakland. Um, and then I think it was unlike Hassad, um, scan off to that. We'd seen that it came back. So yeah, that's um, that's kind of the basics of it. Kat: 01:53 Gotcha. Well, yeah, thank you. Laura Duck: 01:56 Straight in with it. Kat: 01:58 Exactly. Thank you for sharing. Um, how would you say, so let me see. So it was a brain tumor and he said her battle with cancer was about four years. Um, was she in remission or was it just like a straight for your battle? Laura Duck: 02:14 No, it's about, yeah, exactly that. So what actually happened was she was diagnosed with epilepsy to begin with. Um, so she was treated with after that skull for epilepsy for maybe the first year and a bit. Um, and then we're actually just going on a family holiday in the UK so that it wasn't a broad, we're going on holiday and we got to the destination, which is about, I'd say three hours from home and she received a phone call from, uh, the hospital basically saying human error, misplaced her scan results. Um, and yeah, she needed to come in for a gym, um, operation on her brain basically. Um, yeah, so that was the first time. So it was removed the fast time and just had loads, chemotherapy and radio therapy went into remission and then, yeah, it was on the, for a checkup after. So I think she had gotten every three months, I want to say. Laura Duck: 03:09 Um, and then, yeah, I'm on the side one day, found that it returned, but the position of it where in the brain, uh, meant that they couldn't operate. Um, so she had kind of the rest of her dose of radiotherapy, um, and she couldn't have any more. So then she tried to chemo, um, in the march of 2011. Um, yes, she was told that there's nothing more they could do and she could kind of decide whether to keep having chemo and, and see what happens, but the chances are I wasn't going to help. Um, and she decided to stop taking medicine. Kat: 03:44 Interesting. I love how you mentioned Laura Duck: 03:48 yeah. Kat: 03:49 That she was diagnosed with epilepsy first because I feel like those cases are just becoming more and more common, I guess has medicine progress's almost, which is kind of funny to me because I'm like, yeah, okay, it's human error. But in my mind, you know, if medicine is, you know, only getting better, why are these that, you know, misdiagnoses happening. So how, I'm curious, what were your feelings about that? Laura Duck: 04:19 I must've been, so I'm 17 when she died, so I must have been like 14, 13, 14 at the time. Um, so everybody remember feeling anything and it was all kept quite harsh, harsh at the start. So when she received the call and we are on holiday, the rest of our family just stayed on holiday with us and she went home. It was like, it's really bizarre and it's all kind of blurry. I don't remember at the time worrying, I just thought, well, I'll go sort of thing. Kat: 04:53 Interesting. Yeah. I feel like, you know, 17 is an age where you can process the loss. Mm. Um, but Laura Duck: 05:06 yeah, Kat: 05:07 you know, 13 how old you are, you know, when your mom got sick. I feel like that's a very difficult age. The process, you know, the diagnoses. So can you walk me through like, you know, what you thought, I guess when you know your mom was diagnosed, like what, what's going on in your 13 year old brain? Laura Duck: 05:25 Yeah, I guess 13 year old me just kept low. Just like most people think their parents are invincible. You don't really realize the extent of it all. Um, even like four years and I'd say even the month before she died and she's in badge most of the time. It never ever crossed my mind that she's going to die because she got better the first time. So she's going to just get better again and it's just shit at the moment. But it's going to get better and it will be fine. I never, I never remember sitting right Speaker 4: 05:57 thinking Laura Duck: 05:59 she's going to die. Yep. Kat: 06:02 Yeah. I just so late maybe as to it. Yeah, I totally agree with you there. Every, even if like, you know, we know our mom is sick or whatever. Like what person I guess in their right mind thinks that their parents are going to die. I mean that's why I always say it doesn't matter. You know if the loss is expected or unexpected because it doesn't matter if you know the truth. Like it's just, I mean I'm miracles happen and then like tragedy strikes and that sort of thing. Like literally anything can happen. So yeah. That's interesting. So, okay. Where did you notice, like Laura Duck: 06:40 your Kat: 06:42 like real struggle, I guess dealing with, you know, the loss? Was it immediate or did it take a little while maybe as you know, we're out of high school. Laura Duck: 06:52 Yes. So I, I'd say I probably struggled from the star but I wasn't aware of it. Um, I say that my grief and started four years later. So when I, from basically the day that she dies on them before, but the day that she died I was very still, I'm like okay with it. I don't know, it was, it's really weird to say because I think my dad died. I'd be beside myself, but I've been through it with my mum and that wasn't the case. But yeah, I was just very much like next like I think it was the next day pretty much. Um, and that wasn't the next day and a week later. Sorry, cause it was hard to time. So we had a break from school and when I was going back to school, I had um, work experience. I have two weeks' work experience. And I remember going in on the Monday meeting where the stocks and everything meeting the lady who was like my manager at the time for the two weeks. Laura Duck: 07:51 And I was like, oh, by the way, um, my mom died last week. So like if I'm upset or I need to go home or if I'm just feeling a bit weird, like why? And she's like, oh, okay, um, you shouldn't be here. And I was like, yeah, yeah, no, it's great. It's fine. Loving it. And she's like, okay. So everyone didn't know how to take me because I was just so like, yeah, my mom died, you know, shit happens. Like it's just one of those things. So literally for years I was like that. Um, and then it hit like a ton of bricks. Kat: 08:24 Yeah. Th
53 minutes | Jun 26, 2019
How To Cope With Hopelessness After Losing Your Mom With Kimmy Meyer
Welcome to Life After Losing Mom With Kat Bonner. In this episode, we’re joined by writer Kimmy Meyer. Kimmy lost her mom only 15 months after her brother passed away. Losing two loved ones in such a short period understandably sent Kimmy into a state of darkness and despair. Here, she shares her journey of dealing with that feeling of hopelessness and how she learned to find laughter and joy again. What To Listen For Kimmy’s story of losing her brother in a tragic accident followed by her mom passing away in her sleep just over a year later How drinking became Kimmy’s outlet for numbing her pain after losing her mom Her dad’s response to her endless heartbreak and grief Kimmy’s darkest moments when she couldn’t handle living in a world without her mom Her impossible wish to bring her mom back that left her isolated and alone The inspiration her mom’s legacy gave her to stop drinking, turn her life around, and learn to rebuild her life How Kimmy learned the difference between hopelessness and helplessness The importance of connection in Kimmy’s healing process Her views on the dangers of social media for someone who is grieving How Kimmy reacts to other people complaining about their parents or siblings Her most effective forms of therapy and what worked for her in learning to move on How getting out of her comfort zone impacted Kimmy’s healing process Wanting to connect to other people through books and writing her own story with the hope of someone else benefitting from her experience The strategies that led her to learn to laugh, smile, and live again The importance of finding your tribe in working through the grieving process For Kimmy, healing was all about connection, whether to people in a support group, through the written word, or even in finding ways to stay close to her mom and honor her memory after she was gone. Kimmy’s double loss of her brother and mom made living seem impossible but finding the types of therapy that resonated with her brought her back from hopelessness and wanting to join them in death. While alcohol temporarily numbed the pain, today Kimmy has healthy outlets for processing grief that have allowed her to find joy, love, and happiness again. Resources From This Episode: Instagram Follow Kat: Visit The Website Subscribe to the Podcast Join The Life After Losing Mom Facebook Community Like On Facebook Follow On Instagram Transcript Kimmy: 00:00 You feel so isolated alone and it's like, oh no, no. You don't have to be like where, where here? Unfortunately as like the club that nobody wants to join, but we're here to hold your hand and we're here to support you. Voiceover: 00:11 In 2013, Kat Bonner lost her mom in a tragic car accident. She figured out how to manage her grief and is helping other women do the same. On this podcast, you'll hear from other women who have lost their moms and discover the exact coping strategies you need to get through the day and be in the best place you've ever been. Don't miss another episode. Subscribe today. More information can be found at KatBonner.com/podcast and if you'd like to join a group of likeminded women head to Facebook and search for the life after losing mom community. Lastly, if you're looking for help managing your grief book a complimentary connection call at KatBonner.com Kimmy: 00:59 well, I would say ever since I learned about death when I was a very, I want to say it was about six or seven years old when I first understood death. Has a concept. Um, and I remember, I don't remember, I think it might've been around the context of losing my grandfather. Um, and, you know, kind of really trying to understand that and wrapped my brain around what that meant for him to be dead. And then making that leap immediately to being like, oh, that means Sunday mom's gonna die. And I remembered just being very, like, anxious about that for a large part of my childhood. And I'm trying not to focus on it too much because like, you know, there wasn't really gonna do too good, but, um, monopoly remembering, like, not idea, like, and it was always, it was my, my sole thing was on my mom. I mean, I love my brother, I love my father. Um, but it never occurred to me that, well, first of all, it never occurred to me that I lose my brother. And as you know, I, I lost him first. Um, um, and it never really occurred to me that I lose my dad. And I mean, for me it was always focused on my mom because I was such a mommy's girl from the start. Kat: 02:23 Yeah, absolutely. Thank you for sharing. Um, awesome. Yeah, it's hard when you know, you're confronted with this and you know what it is, but that still doesn't, you know, make anything easier because no matter what, you still can't prepare yourself for like the death of your mom, even though, you know, eventually like, hey, this is probably going to happen while I'm alive and Kimmy: 02:50 right. Kat: 02:52 Yeah. So that's just interesting. Um, so let's say you were a mama's girl. Um, where was your brother? Sorry. Um, close to your mom as well, or just tell me a little bit more about the dynamic of your relationship with her. Kimmy: 03:10 Sure. Um, well, a little bit of a back story or, because I'm adopted, so was my brother, um, as far as we know, we were never like, you know, related, but we're both adopted from Bogota, Columbia, um, and my parents, um, my mom really always wanted to be a mother. Like ever since she was a young girl, she's like, I want to be a mother someday. Um, and she and my dad, um, we're trying to get pregnant for a while. Um, had to go through fertility treatments and all that. Um, they finally did get pregnant. And then, um, my mom went into premature labor and lost, uh, lost the baby. He lives for day. I'm at six months. He was shooting only pregnant for six months. Um, excuse me. And he was, and then he was born and lived for a day and died. And then the doctors had told them at the time that it really wouldn't be a good idea for my mom's body or the baby that she was going to try to carry to do, to get pregnant again. Kimmy: 04:17 Um, so at that point the doctor was like, you know, if you really want to be parents Sunday, you should probably look into another method like adoption. So my parents, my mom was like, well, that's it. Well, if we're, I need to be a mother, so we, this is how we're going to do, this is how we're going to become parents. Um, so my brother was adopted first. Um, and then, um, and I think secretly other than it was never outright said, but I think secretly my mom really wanted to have a daughter, which I understand. Um, Kat: 04:50 so Kimmy: 04:51 she, um, she did after she, after my brother was about three and a half years old, they adopted me and it was all over at that point. Like again, it was never stated like, Oh, you know, Kimmy are my favorite, like, but I think especially standing, uh, as an adult and sent him like at from a different perspective and looking back on my childhood, I can kind of see like out of that, I was my favorite from my mom. Um, although she loved my brother and, but they had a very, um, clashing dynamic because they were both very stubborn and both very hot headed, um, and wouldn't back down from each other. So they were constantly clashing and I always wanted to be the people pleaser, especially wanting to be like the people, the people pleaser for my mom. Um, especially as I saw her like getting into these types of my brother and everything. Kimmy: 05:50 So I wanted it to be like, oh, okay. Like being mad at him, but there'll be mad at me. I'll follow the roles and the directions and yeah, like being quote unquote perfect daughter for her. Um, because I never wanted her to be mad with me and I always wanted her approval with everything I did. And so, and because of that, I think we became very close because mmm. Cause I was always more last time we saw her in her directions and doing what she told me to do with within reason. Um, so, uh, so we were really close. I mean, she, we bonded over, um, the love of reading and, um, and theater and traveling places. Even at a young age, she would bring me places and he just always had, um, I really, really close connection. Um, more so than I think, you know, I think my brother and her dad achieved some sort of connection, um, after he got through his teenage years. But it was never, I don't think as close as my mom and I, Kat: 06:53 oh my gosh, that is so funny. Um, yeah, I love hearing about that dynamic. Just like your mom's relationship. You're actually, well, sorry, you're in your mom's relationship. I'm sure you're the first person that I've had on this show that's adopted, so like, wow, like they're quite, yeah, I'm like, they're closer to their mom and um, and I'm like, shoot, like, I mean everybody that like I've had on the show, it was like decently close to their mom. I'm sorry. But I was just like, okay. Like, wow, this is great. You have a great relationship. Um, but I mean it just goes to show that obviously blood doesn't make family. That's my purse, your Damian. But obviously no one really asked me about that. Um, so, uh, when I guess, did you realize like, because I know that your son was born after your mom passed, um, and you know, when you lost your brother before your mom, but do you think like the struggle and like your lack of Ho came from like losing your brother first and then your mom? Or was it just like you lost your mom and your, it was like, oh my God, my world is like tumbling down. Does that make sense? Kimmy: 08:15 Yeah. Well, Liz, he, my brother was fighting expected and um, he was, um, riding home on his bicycle and Brooklyn, um, tried to go over a curb and miss judged it, hit his head on the curb, um, not knocked him unconscious. Um, and then he unfortunately was ran over by a, by a truck or are they never caught the person that ultimately tells him. Um, and that was completely blindsided. All of us. I mean, cause it was
35 minutes | Jun 19, 2019
How To Cope With Feeling Lonely After Losing Your Mom With Stella Mpisi
Welcome to Life After Losing Mom With Kat Bonner. We’re joined by writer and grief coach, Stella Mpisi. Stella tragically lost both of her parents in a car accident when she was only 10 years old and it had a profound impact on her childhood, which was troubled and tumultuous. Today, Stella has turned her experiences into a platform for supporting and encouraging others who have lost loved ones. Let’s learn how she was able to rise from the darkness and turn it into light. What To Listen For Stella’s description of her relationship with her parents and siblings before they passed away as near perfection How she became her younger sister’s go-to person, yet she didn’t have that same person for herself after her mom was gone How she discovered a sense of release in not bottling her feelings up The habit she started at age 13 that let her connect with her mom in a way that she never had before Stella’s beliefs on the grief process and holding onto memories How she was able to push past the pain and find joy in her memories instead of sadness Stella’s biggest coping mechanism – writing – and how her husband’s encouragement showed her that she could help other people by telling her story Stella’s feelings on whether people were reading her blog and her main motivation for blogging How she’s come to feel good on Mother’s Day, rather than sad or lonely When her desire to blog and write is the strongest and which emotions trigger her inspiration What her daughter has taught her about finding inspiration to document and share her journey Dealing her missing her mom and getting advice from her around pregnancy and becoming a mother herself Stella’s biggest piece of advice for anyone who is grieving How Stella finds ways to see the beauty in remembering her mother’s love and how she turns it into something positive Stella’s writing became a catalyst for helping other people and, ultimately, for saving herself from loneliness and heartbreak. Stella encourages anyone who has lost a loved one to find an outlet, whatever that looks like for each person. With a way to express emotions, Stella shares how anyone can find hope and beauty in the memories you shared, even though grieving never stops. Resources From This Episode: Website: Instagram: Facebook: Follow Kat: Visit The Website Subscribe to the Podcast Join The Life After Losing Mom Facebook Community Like On Facebook Follow On Instagram Transcript Stella: 00:00 When you realized that I can't keep this all in, just think about that love. We left them the level one to see you sad or um, or lonely or that the person you love wants to see you happy. So when you think about this, you started talking, looking for ways to, to offload and to live your life. Kat: 00:20 You're listening to life after losing mom with me. Cap Honor. On this podcast, you'll hear from other women who have lost their mom and discovered the exact coping strategies you need to get through the day and be in the best place you've ever been. Don't miss another episode of life after losing mom subscribed today. We're information can be found at [inaudible] dot com forward slash podcast and if you'd like to join a group of likeminded women had to Facebook and search for the life after losing mom community. Stella: 00:48 So, um, I lost my mother when I was 10 years old, so it's been 16 years now and she and my father died in the car accidents on the same day. So, um, yeah, I think that was when my life actually started. Um, when, when things went left and really lift, cause I mean, you can imagine your lifts all in though. Um, and uh, yeah, it's been, it's been, it's been tough. So though I'm in a great place right now, but I'm losing my mother and my father was probably the hardest thing that, um, I, if it went through and it's sort of make me the person that I am today. Kat: 01:34 Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I've asked my mom and I know how hard that was, but I can't even imagine. Bless her heart. I am so sorry for your loss, your mom and your dad on the same day as a 10 year old, like, yeah. Dang. I thought 18 was young, but that probably just rocked your world for sure. Um, thank you for sharing. So let's see. Um, were you an only child? Like what you know, happened? Like I guess I immediately in the aftermath, like who'd you live with, that sort of thing? Well, um, I have two Stella: 02:10 sisters. I'm the middle child and I'm like right after my parents died, um, I, there was an uncle, so my mother's younger brother who came to live with us, um, in our home. And um, that was for about two years. They were cousins, older cousins who came in and out sort of like take care of us because my younger sister was really young. She was six years old. Um, but you also two years it was my uncle and a few cousins suitcase in and out of our lives. Um, but then when I was 12 years old, that's when things went from bad to worse cause, um, my parents were from some of the Congo and rear seats back there. We'll just, me and my younger sister, my oldest sister had a whole nother struggle of her own. So we mentioned this in Congo was my, um, my extended family and that's, we were beaten, we were abused, he was starved. I started working from the age of Swab results just to put us through school. Um, I remember going days without anything to eat and not because my family was tool or anything, but this was some other reason they didn't, they didn't love us, I guess. Um, imagine living in a, in a really big house where there's a shift, there's, um, there, there, there, there's a shift. There's a driver, there are vehicles there. There's everything, which you're not allowed to have any food, any water. And it was really terrible. Um, Stella: 03:42 yeah, it's such a long story. But when I was 18, I took my youngest sister. I literally walked up the join live and look back. Um, and okay. Stella: 03:53 A whole new struggle started. We will homeless for awhile again with nothing to eat. It was just, it was terrible. I can't begin to explain how terrible my childhood was, but, um, yes. So that's a small town I grew up in a nutshell. Kat: 04:12 Wow. Bless your heart. I, yeah. Well I am glad the person that's coming to my mind is, I'm glad that you're not an only child because that is literally just unfathomable. Um, but yeah. So how was it like, were you close to your parents? Like, how was like your family dynamic growing up, even with, you know, your siblings? Stella: 04:38 Oh my goodness. I think we will if various health, sadly. Um, everything I remember was just, which just perfection. I know nothing's perfect, but it was just, there was never a dull moment. My parents was so involved, so lovey, um, just as a parent now, cause I have a daughter now, a little baby. And um, I, I just called, I think about the way my parents left me and I tried to imitate that because it was just so old. Like there wasn't a single moment that I felt unsafe that I fall allowed. Um, they would, they will probably the best parents. And I had a little biased of course. But, um, it was all, some of my sisters, everything was really great. So using them was in extreme, extremely dramatic. Um, you easiest for us was we used to that one family unit. People that love, you know, spinning long evenings together. I remember watching cartoons with my father. I remember, um, reading books with my mother. Um, she was a, she was, she loved reading and I got my last read it from reading from her. And I remember my mother teaching me, I don't know, clay, like things, I don't know. She was really, she's really dancy and she would dress us in like all the same. Like we, we would use a part, but like she enjoyed, she enjoyed having her daughters and um, so yeah, losing her I think was probably the biggest shock because uh, yeah, she was on everything. She was literally out everything. Kat: 06:13 Yeah. I'm glad that you mentioned that. Like, I'm not very familiar with, you know, the culture and that part of the world, but if it's anything like I'm thinking it's very much so, you know, the woman is, you know, a lot like the caretaker. Um, and I mean I'm sure it was different for you losing your dad than it was losing your mom. Yeah. But especially in a mother daughter relationship where the mother is the caretaker and you know, regardless if she has a job or not, I think that's what makes it so like impactful. Yeah. As like a daughter or a child. And like, I know it sounds Cliche, but like, like you were in your mother's womb, like, you know, like, it's like actually like, and I'm not saying you can have more than one dad, that's going to sound terrible, but like you literally only have one mob. Yeah. Yeah. You know, and I guess that's just the way that I look at it. Um, so where did, like, how did your siblings like react? Did they, you know, they were, you said you're the middle, so, um, was one like predominantly older then you or, you know, like, did y'all support each other after your parents passed? Like how was that dynamic specifically? Stella: 07:43 Um, it was, it was odd. I mean, Dick's can do things to you. Um, my, uh, the first born, she's five years older than me, and, um, she went through a period of anger and solitude, so she was really reserved. Um, I think losing, using our parents just, it, it, it clicked something in her mind and she was stressed really. Um, she just didn't want any interaction with anybody and intruding and her sisters. But we actually enough for, my youngest sister was five years who's five years younger than me. It became sort of like a mother daughter relationship. Um, I remember at my parents' funeral, um, so I don't know if they do this on your, in your side of the world, but, um, when, when someone dies you have to use it. He was, no, there's no getting around that you have to view the corpse, you know, so I'm as young as we will. We had to do that and I remember staring, dotted my parents bodi
58 minutes | Jun 12, 2019
Coping With Not Being Able To Talk To Your Mom When You Need Her With Jada Johnson-Dutfield
Welcome to Life After Losing Mom With Kat Bonner. In this episode, we’re joined by fellow podcast host, Jada Johnson-Dutfield. Her podcast, The Club No One Wants To Be A Member Of, is all about her journey toward finding ways to move on after losing her mom. What To Listen For Jada’s recollection of her mom’s whirlwind, tragic death and how it broke her whole world Jada’s feelings about being in her mom’s house and the sensations that came in being in her mom’s familiar environment How Jada approaches conflict when she doesn’t have the strength to argue *How she coped with wanting to carry out her mom’s last wishes in a way that differed from her other family members’ opinions and how she said goodbye in her own way *Jada’s feeling that she needed to be strong for her siblings and how she was unable to fall apart the way she felt like doing inside How Jada’s relationship with her mom evolved from tumultuous teenage years into a best friendship Jada’s favorite bonding memories about talking to her mom while she cooked, and how she finds that connection now What to do now that she can’t turn to her mom for advice How Jada feels about trying to talk to other people instead, and the resentment she feels when no one can live up to her feelings that she had for her mom *Jada’s desire to hide from other people who want to connect – because they aren’t her mom How Jada has learned to acknowledge what she misses Jada’s belief that grief doesn’t stop, even on the good days Finding a form of release in talking to other people who are also in a dark place and being able to help each other Realizing that life is beautiful because of the connections she can make with others Finding joys that keep you going, like being a mother to her son How Jada feels about the cycle and stages of grief Jada is not alone when she says she lost her best friend, but her raw honesty about losing her mom helps give other women going through the same thing comfort and hope. Without sugar-coating her feelings, Jada opens up about the hard reality of not being able to talk to your mom when you need her and how she sees connection and communication now that she can’t lean on her best friend in the moments when she needs her the most. Resources From This Episode: Jada's Podcast on Spotify Jada's Podcast on iTunes Jada's Podcast on Anchor Jada's Instagram Follow Kat: Visit The Website Subscribe to the Podcast Join The Life After Losing Mom Facebook Community Like On Facebook Follow On Instagram Transcript Jada: 00:00 I think the biggest thing that I've found is, um, connecting and just making connections and not being scared to reach out to people. Kat: 00:10 Hey friend, I hope you enjoyed this episode. Before you go, I have three favors to ask you. First, I wanted to let you know the, I host a group for women where we share our day to day stories, challenges and victories. If you want to come along for the ride, had to Facebook and search for life after losing mom community. Second, if you don't mind leaving me a review and telling me how I've helped you in your grief journey, I would greatly appreciate it. Finally had to cap on our.com forward slash podcast to access previous episodes and subscribe for episodes in the future Jada: 00:43 with my mom. It was very unexpected. So, um, she knew she wasn't feeling well. Um, but that was it. Just we thought it was, she lives in Nigeria at the time and we thought maybe it was malaria, maybe it was this. And she just talked about not feeling quite herself. And then literally one day she was my little brother up and um, said she could hardly move and they took him into the hospital there, her into hospital there, and then she, um, died by the next day, 20, within 24 hours. Um, I had a lot of shock. I'm still in shock now, seven months on. And um, I think a lot of anger as well because to me it's something that could have been prevented if the doctors had done their job. And so it's been very strange experience losing my mom because I felt so conflicted. Jada: 01:36 Everyone always said they're in a better place. Um, but to me she shouldn't have been value yet. And it happened too soon, but I think it happens to see important of us when we have already. Today's, I'm on one would have been a right time. No time. Really. So, yeah. So since then I um, started a little port costs and an Instagram account that I kept secret from friends and family because I just wanted a place to be able to go and vent and talk and meet others that didn't mind me going on. And on about my mom. I think, um, I just felt that when this will happen that people one interested, well at first they were, and then they didn't and they just felt that I was becoming a bit of a bowl or a bit depressing. So I always felt uncomfortable sharing how I was feeling about her. So it was just nice to be in a place like now, like today where I can talk about her and I don't feel that anyone is sitting there thinking, when is she going to get happy about it or be vulnerable. Understand that, you know, life goes on and I do understand these things, but I've lost my mom and I'm still grieving. I think we identity you have to stop. Kat: 02:46 Yeah, you're absolutely right. You do never slub grief unfortunately is a never ending process. Um, and that is very important Jada: 02:56 for Kat: 02:57 people to realize because I think they get idea in their head. They're like, oh, like I've had a good day. I'm not grieving. I'm like, that's false. I'm so great that you've had a good day. But this is a very like, I'm so sorry that you think this is what grief is because it's 100% not. Um, yeah. Wow. Wow. Jada: 03:17 I agree with that as well. Is the fact that um, I think people think that when you're having a good day that suddenly you're better. It's like if you're someone who suffers from depression or anxiety when you dig where they're like, oh you better now, but it's not a question of I can have a great day. I can be happy. You can see me on Facebook and Instagram loving life and yeah, and it's true. I'm not faking it, but then it can hit me a second later and I, I almost feel there's a sense of guilt around people that seem to feel that, oh someone said you're better now then I'm glad to see you're feeling a lot better. And I felt I was mortified. I thought what they think I'm not, I'm not grieving my mother anymore because I'm smiling because I'm doing things cause I'm having a lie. Strange. Kat: 04:04 It is. I'm like, yeah, I'm happy. Like I'm happy. I'm happy today. Like, is that a crime? But yeah, that's a whole other conversation. Um, yeah. Well I'm sorry for your loss. I can't imagine being in, I mean, nobody can ever prepare yourself for, you know, the death of your mom regardless if it's expected, regardless if it is expected or unexpected. Excuse me. Um, but yeah, I mean you, you live in the UK? I believe so. Wow. Your mom being in Nigeria. Um, so were you able to get there in time or not? Jada: 04:40 Wow. Wow. Festival. It wasn't even a question of getting there in time because when I told you in is possible, my little brother, she coordinates it off. They're just making, being melodramatic moms young do the weather. She's, she's fatigued. She needs to rest that putting some fluids in her. They said she'll be fine. And that is literally how it felt until my little sister, um, called me that night. She goes, I don't think there's something wrong. I don't think something's right. I think she's really bad. And I called my aunt at two in the more I said, something's not right. You don't worry, she'll be fine. But she was worrying too. And then I went to work like normal the next morning and I um, text my little brother, how is she? I got it. Didn't you didn't pick up. And I went into work and it was a beautiful day and I sat at my desk and I did my work and then I suddenly saw about 11 o'clock, uh, coal coming from my aunt. Jada: 05:27 I ignored it. Call came in from my brother. I ignored it and I, I know now I ignored him purpose cause I didn't, I had, I had this sinking feeling that something was really bad and I wanted to live in a world where my mum was still okay. So I sat at my desk and worked for another hour before I left and called them and I called my brother cause I decided if I'm going to hear anything I want it to be from him. So it wasn't even a question of I would never have been time to get there in time. Even if she'd been living in the UK, she have, she wouldn't have been living in Bristol where I live. She would have been an appropriate hour away and I wouldn't have gone because to me she went into hospital because she was feeling a little bit weak and she'll be out the next day, don't worry. Jada: 06:08 Um, so that's why it was all the shock, but no, I didn't. So she died and then literally it was a whirlwind within one week. Um, we'd got our ticket to go. Um, and it was very expensive to go. So family sorted out. Got I say that there might my aunt and myself and we were at like salmon people who, my mom did some amazing things. She worked with, um, orphanages. She worked with you. Scott was her passion, but she had her own company as well and people loved her and the outpouring of grief was immense. There was radio shows on and she'd love Jazz, that jazz nights. Um, that was, um, that were, um, made in her honor. And we got that. And we went to literally several different evenings just for my mum, memorial evenings at other companies that you've worked with or touch done. Jada: 07:03 Um, the orphanages wanted to put on something. So we were literally thrown into this whirlwind of everyone grieving my mom and all I felt like saying was this was our mum. You think you're sad? This is our mum. You know, it was a weird situation. It was beautiful to see what people thought about her. But at the same time it felt like nothing was for us and everything was ever gonna have just like a funeral.
62 minutes | Jun 5, 2019
How To Cope With Losing Your Mom In The Midst Of An Argument With Shelby Forsythia
Welcome to Life After Losing Mom With Kat Bonner. We’re joined by Intuitive Grief Guide and fellow podcast host, Shelby Forsythia, who shares her story of losing her mom to cancer while they were going through a rough patch in their relationship. With things left unresolved, grief has not been an easy process for Shelby, but she’s here to share her journey with us. What To Listen For The argument that changed Shelby’s life forever What Shelby calls her “four years of hell” The story of Shelby’s mom’s battle with breast cancer and how it went into remission, only to tragically return Shelby’s self-identification as gender non-conforming nonbinary and how it affected her relationship with her mom Shelby’s bitterness over how her own grieving process differed from the rest of her family How she deals with the big conversations that she’ll never get to have with her mom How Shelby receives her mom’s energy through dreams and communicates with her through life’s experiences, and how she learned to put the work in to be able to recognize these moments What her grief triggers are and how she copes with them What Shelby calls “lightning bolt moments” and how they’ve changed her life Her analogy of grief being like an angry wolf caged in a dark basement and how she works with it How to manifest love for yourself when you lose someone who used to provide love for you How a phone call with God allowed her to surrender to her grief How her family members honor her mom’s memory on a regular basis Shelby’s realization that death doesn’t stop the relationship How her podcast and Grief Growers Garden Facebook group has given her a voice on a bigger platform where she can communicate with others to gain insight into loss. Shelby’s story is unique in how the events unfolded around her mom’s death and their argument before she died. No matter the circumstances, she’s learned that losing your mom is heartbreaking for everyone, but with things left unsaid and issues left unresolved, it can get even messier. Her work as a grief coach and podcast host gives her the ability to connect with others on a broader level and to honor her mom’s memories in ways she had never anticipated when she was first blindsided by her loss. As Shelby says, “because even through grief we are growing,” and her personal story shows us how to realize our own growth in the face of our own loss. Resources From This Episode: This is where you put the list of the guest links and links to any other resources (books, websites, etc.) mentioned on the show. They need to be in this exact formatting: Follow Shelby: ShelbyForsythia.com Grief Growers Garden Facebook Group Follow Kat: Visit The Website Subscribe to the Podcast Join The Life After Losing Mom Facebook Community Like On Facebook Follow On Instagram Transcript Shelby: 00:00:00 I wish someone would've told me while I was grieving is like, hey, even if you don't recognize it, you're growing Kat: 00:00:08 Welcome to life after losing mom with me, Kat Bonner on this podcast, you'll hear from other women who have lost their mom and discovered the exact coping strategies that you need to get through the day and being the best place you've ever been. Don't miss another episode of life after losing mom. Subscribe today. More information can be found at katbonner.com/podcast. And if you'd like to join a group of likeminded women had to Facebook and search for the life after losing mom community. I just want to apologize in advance for the choppiness of this episode. I have had my fair share of technical difficulties, so yeah, I apologize. And thankfully my podcast manager is the best and hopefully thrown episode together and it sound somewhat decent. Ladies, we have a very special yes on the show today. A fellow at Greif-caster, and she is also from North Carolina. I would like to welcome a Shelby Forsythia, Shelby: 00:01:17 Dah, Dah, Dah. I'm like, do my own intro music. Yes. Uh, born and raised in North Carolina. Everyone appear in Chicago asks me why I don't have an accent. And I always throw in some joke about how coming from the south and now living in the Midwest, they kind of just even each other out. So I don't have an accent only when I'm on the phone. Every now and then we'll I dip into, hi, this is Shelby and you can really tell like where I'm from. Um, which is amazing. I'm so excited to have you here, especially because, uh, I've had you cat over on my show coming back, conversations on life after loss and I just love spreading out in the podcast sphere and seeing more people talking about grief in the form of podcasts because there's so much more approachable to grieving people, I think, than books because books you have to like sit down and focus and concentrate on. Whereas a podcast can just be on in the background and if you tune in, great, you might hear somebody's story, you might hear a tool or something that resonates with you, um, or a a book. Where's the book? You kind of have to be paying attention or you miss the content. Uh, so I'm excited to be here and on this format with you today. Kat: 00:02:29 Shelby, if you don't mind starting the show off with a little bit about the story of how you lost your mom. Shelby: 00:02:38 Yeah, that's perfect. Um, my last story kind of begins pre actual loss. Um, I always like to tell people I had this really idyllic childhood. I didn't have a lot of exposure to death or dying. My, you know, childhood was not dramatic. My parents were not divorced, like no major upheaval really happened. It was kind of, um, like a typical white suburban piano lessons, you know, buy the uniforms for marching band kind of household. Like that's just the format. A family of four, like how, how I was raised and then church on the weekends. Um, and then when, when crap hits the fan, it like really hit the fan. So the last story that I tell is about what I have affectionately referred to as the four years of hell. And this is when I went off to college. And what kind of kickstarted this instability or season of lost in my life was, uh, first my dad lost his job of 19 years and this is, um, in 2010 when a lot of layoffs and things were still happening from the great recession. Shelby: 00:03:55 And so it was kind of a bit of a shock to our family, but an upheaval and stability, something I had never seen before. So all of a sudden kind of we stopped eating out, we talked about money more, there was more stress in the household, there are a lot more, um, kind of like whispered conversations or things behind closed doors and there's kind of this sense that we were generally unstable. Um, and then pretty shortly after that, my sister and I witnessed my dad having like a low grade seizure. I'm not sure if this is the medical term for it. Um, but we had finished watching a movie in the living room and like making popcorn and stuff and we were all getting ready to go to bed and he was looking into one of those like, um, plastic tumblers that you can put like ice strengths are like iced tea or something and, and carry it in your car. Shelby: 00:04:40 And he was talking about seeing my great grandfather, his grandfather, and like some relatives that he had farmed cotton with in Tennessee is a boy. And my sister and I were looking at him, we thought he was joking at first, but he was really insistent in looking into this plastic cup. He's like, why don't you see them? They're standing right there. And so that was this hallucinatory s like low grade seizures, some kind of like brain slippage activity that was happening. And it scared us. And I was, uh, I believe I was 18 or 19 at the time and my sister's about two years younger and we both went upstairs and I walked over to her bedroom and I was like, that was kind of weird, wasn't it? And she said, yeah. And so we went back downstairs and we told my mom what had happened in my dad was like, oh, I'm just tired. Shelby: 00:05:26 I've been having headaches for awhile. Um, kind of these other excuses came up. Uh, but then a few months later while I was in school and he experienced, I believe he experienced a full blown seizure. Something else happened that got him admitted to the hospital. And I just remember getting a phone call at the women's center where I volunteered in college go app state, um, where I got a phone call and they said, we scanned your dad's head. And he has two brain aneurysms and they're symmetrical one on either side of his brain. And when they put them through the machine, I don't know if it was a CT scanner and Mri, something, an imaging test. Um, they were like some of the biggest recorded aneurysms. They're like, we don't know why you're alive right now. Duke University, it was like, we don't know why you're alive and do, is a pretty reputable hospital in the south. Shelby: 00:06:17 And, and that was absolutely terrifying. So not only was this like instability of job loss happening, it was like your dad might be dying and there was this suspense kind of all of a sudden hanging in the air of this could happen at any moment because of an aneurysm ruptures, like more or less, it's game over. And so I was living with this perpetual anxiety while I was in school. While I was doing my first semester while I was taking classes and every single time the phone rang and it was a member of my family, I was like, oh my God, he's dead. And this was my very first exposure from my shelter, childhood to living with anxiety and like mortality awareness swirling around. And within the next two years or so, he had surgeries for both of his aneurysms. They did one and then waited for it to heal and then flipped him over to the other side and did the other one, waited for that to heal. Shelby: 00:07:05 And I watched my father become a different person. It, um, he became, so, I mean, they're digging around in your brain, so how could you not be? But he became somebody who could no longe
58 minutes | May 28, 2019
How To Find Your Identity After Losing Your Mom
On this episode of Life After Losing Mom With Kat Bonner, our guest is Tashina Fritz, the founder of FIT4MOM Lanier. A mother to three girls, Tashina lost her mother three years ago, and talks to us about the past 3 years of discovering who she is, how she handles the grieving process, and the effort - and sometimes joy - of keeping moving. Topics Discussed: The challenges of being a mother to young girls while coping with your own bereavement How do you keep the memories of your loved one alive without them overwhelming you? What happens when your mom has an identical twin? The relief of finding a community of people who have experienced a similar loss How to regain your sense of purpose and meaning when things feel bleak and hopeless How a community of moms can help you find support and help The process of grief and how you can use it to honor the memory of your loved person by not fighting it We know that grief is a personal and specific experience with its own steps and its own processes. There is a huge community of women who are experiencing similar feelings of loss and uncertainty - and this is the place where you can find support and help. Not only is it important for you to practice self-care and healing for yourself, but to allow you to be present for your family, and part of this world. Surviving carries its own burdens, and grief is never easy, but thriving is the perfect way to keep the memory of your mother alive. Links Mentioned: Follow Tashina: Website Tashina on Instagram Fit4Mom On Instagram Tashina on Facebook FIT4MOM Lanier on Facebook Follow Kat: Visit The Website Subscribe to the Podcast Join The Life After Losing Mom Facebook Community Like On Facebook Follow On Instagram Transcript Tashina Fritz: 00:00 It was, it was, it was trying to gain that identity that hey, you are still worth pursuing. You are still worth being a mom to your kids. You are still have value with what you have to say to others. Even within the depth of that grief, Kat Bonner: 00:20 you're listening to life after losing mom with me. Kat Bonner. On this podcast, you'll hear from other women who have lost their mom and discovered the exact coping strategies you need to get through the day and being the best place you've ever been. Don't miss another episode of life after losing mom. Subscribe today. More information can be found at katbonner.com/podcast and if you'd like to join a group of likeminded women had to Facebook and search for the life after losing mom community. New Speaker: 00:48 Hello. Tashina. How are you going? Well good, thank you. Well, I know briefly a little bit about, um, what you do. Um, but we will get to that at the end of the show. So I just wanted to thank you for being here, Tashina Fritz: 01:11 right. Well, thank you for having me. I'm excited to talk a little bit about my journey with, you know, having to deal with the loss of my mother. Um, at an age I was 30 when she passed and how, and I have three kids and I, my youngest was eight weeks old when she passed and, and how to come to terms that, hey, she won't be there for my kids. She won't be grandma any warships be a distant memory as well as how to navigate grief for myself and my girls. That was a, a big challenge. And so I just, three years, fast forward, it will be three years, June 24th. So I'm coming up on that anniversary in a couple of weeks and it's been a long road. It's been a lot of tears, but also a lot of joy and having to navigate through grief counseling and what I do with fit from them, the near and being able to pour into other moms. I'll talk about that later. But um, it's been, it's been an okay road and I'm surviving. I take it one day at a time and we just see how it goes. Kat Bonner: 02:34 Wonderful. Thank you for sharing. I love how you're saying take it one day at a time because that's so important in grief and well just life in general, but especially with grief and wow. Yeah, eight weeks when your youngest one was eight weeks. So it was, it was a little emotional. It's just, yeah, that's, so you have three girls too? Tashina Fritz: 02:57 Do I have three girls there? Kat Bonner: 02:58 Oh Wow. So it's like a Speaker 3: 03:00 double whammy. It's like, okay, like you're a girl who like lost her mom and I mean, I hate to think that that's different than like men, but three girls. It's like you have that relationship with them that you had with your mom, so you're like, oh crud. Not having it. It's, it's, it's challenging because you know too, you see on Facebook are our biggest demise. But we see, you know, other girls with their moms and you know, grandma time and talking about generations and you're like, oh, this is tough because my kids won't have that. My, my oldest was four when my mom passed and my middle was too. And they, my oldest, of course, she had a really good relationship with my mom and so she remembers her in my, my middle does a bit as well. Um, she, she kind of has a really good memory surprisingly in that, so she's got some great memories of grandma. Speaker 3: 04:00 Um, my youngest though, she has no idea. And one thing that was cool about my mom, my mom was an identical twin. And so my aunt lives very close by to us and she looks exactly like grandma. Um, and so my girls have been blessed with having a backup grandma to say the least. Um, but my youngest, she's like, she doesn't understand. They're like, oh, I'll have pictures of my mom and my aunt. And she's just like, well that's, that's aunt die. And you're like, well, no, that's grandma and aunt die. She's just like, no, it's not. And so trying to, trying to explain to her and keep my mom's memory alive. I know she'll, she's only three and she'll understand it eventually. But, um, trying to, to talk about grandma with her. She's just like, no, mom, I don't, this is aunt grandma. This is aunt die, but my older girls are like, no, Evelyn, this is grandma. So we have it. We have a lot of those conversations in our house, which you brings, brings a lot of laughter with it cause it is just like kind of a silly situation to have. Um, but a very unique situation as well. Kat Bonner: 05:16 I love that. That's, I'm sure you know as you're younger one gets older, she'll understand more, but like having them close by. I can't imagine. I mean I get confused anyways when there's two of them, saint and clean bus side by side. So, oh my gosh. I, I wonder if there are anything alike. Speaker 3: 05:33 Yeah, they're my, my mom and my aunt. They're very much alive. Kat Bonner: 05:40 Oh well I also say, how do you feel about that? Is that weird? Speaker 3: 05:44 Yeah, it's, it's kind of a mixed bag of emotions and just like kind of how grief is like, yeah, my mom died of breast cancer and so I always tell people about it, you know, they're like, don't you wish she was here? And you're like, well of course I would need her Tashina Fritz: 05:58 here pre breast cancer. Like, I do not want her back the way that she was just cause cancer is awful, awful cancer thing. And um, it's the same with mine. Speaker 3: 06:09 Yeah. Like I am so thankful that I have her because I get a glimpse of my mom with her and as well as to like, I can still at least ask her questions like, do you remember this when I was little, you know, cause those memories start to fade. Like Tashina Fritz: 06:23 what? You know, what happened? My mom was a child, especially with my girls asking these wars, mommy, did you do that as a kid? And you're like, mmm, Speaker 3: 06:30 maybe I did. And so I do have that with my aunt to be able to talk about it. But then I also have a person that's walking around that looks exactly, Tashina Fritz: 06:39 we like my mom and she's not. And that also makes it difficult as well because you, it's all, it's a reminder that you don't have your mom. And so it's, you know, the same way that grief is where it's just that mix bag of, um, I'm very thankful for it, but it's also tough at the same time. Kat Bonner: 07:00 Yeah, absolutely. I don't know how I would feel if somebody was walking around that look like my mom that was not my mom. I feel like, yeah, you would probably never get Speaker 3: 07:10 used to that. It's definitely weird. I'll have to send you a picture because they, I mean, they do look a lot of likely a lot of pictures from when they were little girls. My mom and my aunt, like we can't even tell where, like, I don't even know who was, who say look so much alike. So it is definitely, it's, it's different. Kat Bonner: 07:32 I mean, that's funny. I guess like identical quint, I'd, uh, identical twins Tashina Fritz: 07:37 are Kat Bonner: 07:38 identical, but you don't really think about this thing until you're in the situation. You're like, oh my goodness, what in the world? Speaker 3: 07:47 I know. I remember I was, I'm on a motherless daughters site, um, on Facebook, which is super helpful because, you know, I always encourage people when I, oh, I talked to other people that have gone through loss with their mom and I'm like, you need to get on something because it's like that strange comfort that you get from hearing other people with the same loss. Like it's just, I don't know if it's like a misery loves company or in, but you know, you just get a lot of comfort from the fact that other people have lost their moms too. And, and, and seeing that, hey, they're actually making it and they're, they're surviving. So I can too. And, um, I remember that one day I just posted and I was like, has anybody, you know, have their mom as a twin and in these sites? I mean, th
51 minutes | May 22, 2019
How To Manage Milestones After Losing Your Mom
How To Manage Big Milestones After Losing Your Mom – with Guest Christie Fiori Welcome to this episode of Life After Losing Mom With Kat Bonner. We’re joined by blogger Christie Fiori, of the blog Healing Through Grief with Christie Lynn, who shares her story of losing her mom and how she’s coping with her loss. If you’re a daughter who has lost your mom, or you know someone else who is going through it, this episode shines light onto a dark topic and opens the lines of communication for those who are dealing with grieving their mom. What We’re Talking About This episode is full of Christie’s wisdom that she’s found after going through her own healing process. Listen along as we touch on these topics: Stages of Grief For Christie, her sense of loss kicked in while her mom was still alive and battling cancer. She saw her dad go through a very different process and she shares her own journey in realizing that everyone has their own way of dealing with the stages of grief. Dealing With Milestones Weddings, babies, graduation, even starting a new job are all situations that bring grief flooding back. Christie tells us about her experience of getting through life's big moments without her mom. Accepting Reality There’s no way around it – life goes on without mom, whether you want it to be that way or not. Christie’s advice shows us how we can accept the new normal – life without mom. Self-Expression For Christie, blogging about her grief was therapeutic and gave her a chance to share her story with others. The reaction from the online community was not at all what she expected. Listen along for Christie’s moving story and advice for anyone who is dealing with the tragic experience of losing your mom. You can also follow her on Facebook and Instagram in the links below, and as always, follow the podcast’s Facebook and Instagram, and click to subscribe. https://m.facebook.com/christielynnnnn/
https://www.instagram.com/healingthroughgrief/ https://www.facebook.com/katgriefcoach https://www.facebook.com/groups/lifeafterlosingmom
 https://www.instagram.com/katgriefcoach/ Transcription: Speaker 1: 00:00 And I think until you accept it, you're not able to even start healing. Speaker 2: 00:04 You're listening to life after losing mom with me, Kat Bonner. On this podcast, you'll hear from other women who have lost their mom and discover the exact coping strategies that you need to get through the day and be in the best place you've ever been. Don't miss another episode of life after losing mom. Subscribe today. More information can be found at katbonner.com/podcast and if you'd like to join a group of like-minded women, head to Facebook and search for the life after losing mom community. Speaker 1: 00:31 All right. Um, so when I was in college or freshman in college, my mom got diagnosed with cancer. It was super, super set in. Um, one day she came downstairs and the whole right side of her body was numb. Um, they sent her to the hospital and it turns out she had metastatic melanoma and it had already spread everywhere. So basically one day my life was completely normal. The next, um, it was changed completely. Um, she got pretty sick pretty fast. She had a few months that we're okay. Um, but I mean cancer is cancer and she really wasn't doing all that great any of the time. I'm in about seven months. Exactly. From the time that she was diagnosed, she died. Speaker 2: 01:15 Wow. Okay. Sorry. I want to make sure you were done. I was thinking, Speaker 1: 01:18 thinking about if I wanted to add more Speaker 2: 01:22 it's okay. Yeah, there's, I mean all there really is to that. Um, I know that you are pretty open on your blog about, you know, how your mom pass and that sort of thing, like the type of cancer and if I remember correctly it was melanoma. So was your mom like attaining bed user? If you don't mind me asking, like did she get out in the sun a lot? Yeah. Speaker 1: 01:46 So my mom was actually like the picture of melanoma, um, before she got sick. Like it actually would be a joke. Like I would say like melanoma must not exist because if it did you would have it. And that sounds so stupid now thinking back, but like we had a tanning bed in our house. Like, my mom was a Tan Aholic. Um, in the summer she was outside all of the time. She loved being Tan. Like people used to joke like, oh my God, you and your mom must not even be the same race. Cause like she was like a dark brown all the time. Like she loved being Tan. She thought she liked being burnt. She'd lay outside until she was burned because she knew it would turn to tan in the winter. She'd be in the tanning bed all the time. Um, she actually had melanoma removed from her arm years and years prior that my parents just never even told me about, cause I was young and it wasn't supposed to be anything serious. She was supposed to get it removed and that was it. But apparently it wasn't it in that whole time, it may have been continuing to spread elsewhere and that's when she got diagnosed two years later. Speaker 2: 02:49 Wow. Yeah. I mean, it's so funny because I think too, like you live up north and I don't, I hear about, you know, that seasonal affective disorder thing and you know, I don't know if your mom had that, but it's just crazy to think how, you know, something that seems so small as melanoma can really not be small. You know? I mean it just goes to show to take everything really seriously. So I guess, you know, you kind of like sort of joked about it per se as you were younger, but was that thought ever in the back of your mind? Like, seriously that your mom might get skin cancer? Speaker 1: 03:34 I mean, I guess like you just never think something like that's gonna happen to you. And I never really knew. Like people always, like we'll say, had said to me when my mom was sick, like, oh, it's just skin cancer, but like it's not. And to me that's always what I thought. Like, yeah, even if she did get skin cancer, skin cancer, so we'll get it removed and she'd be fine. So nothing serious really ever crossed my mind because until my mom got sick, I didn't even know metastatic melanoma was a thing. I didn't even know people were dying. There was a version of skin cancer or dying from like, that was all completely new to me. Like me and my dad were doing research online after she got diagnosed and we had had no clue that that was even a thing. Speaker 2: 04:12 Wow. Yeah. I mean, I guess it definitely, like I, you know, you pointed out where you never really think that it's going to happen to you, but I guess it just goes to show how, I don't know if serious anything can be. So how do, I mean, I'm assuming now you probably hae all tanning beds, um, has your view on that really changed because you're the, I think you're pretty fair skin too, if I Speaker 1: 04:40 yeah. Yeah. So actually before all of this, like I was a Tanner too. Um, I, my mom would drive me to the tanning salon. Um, I tanned in the winter all the time. I hated being pale too. In the summer I would obviously burned pretty easily because I'm very light skinned. Um, now like people know to not even mention the word chanting better around me. Like it makes me so angry. I can't even fathom why people would do it after, especially after hearing my mom's story and like what we went through. But then I guess part of me has to understand that I never thought it would happen to me, so why should anybody else think it's going to happen to them? Um, but it does make me really mad. Speaker 2: 05:21 Yeah. I personally despise tanning beds. I think they're like just, I mean I'm all for, you know, loving the skin you're in. I know it sounds really cliche and stupid, but especially knowing if you're like already susceptible to, you know, getting some type of skin cancer or skin ailment or I don't know anything crazy like that. I'm not doctor, but I'm like, okay, I'm really not. I already know I'm like super white so I'm definitely not going to do this. Um, right. So would you say you like, what's the court word? Cod and like had any anticipatory grief when your mom got sick or was it all just kind of too fast? Too furious. Speaker 3: 06:07 Okay. Speaker 1: 06:07 Oh yeah. So it's interesting because I think me and my dad handles it really different and I think that I was grieving my mom while she was sick. Um, I think I saw it a lot. I'm definitely like a glass half empty kind of person. Like I always prepare for the worst, whereas my dad's super optimistic and always is thinking like the best case scenario of everything. And I spent a lot of time, my mom being sick, like reading up, like what, what it's like when someone starts to die or like the symptoms that somebody is dying or all the statistics of how long people live with metastatic melanoma. Whereas I think when my mom died, my dad was like, oh my God, like this is it, it's done. Whereas I had been getting to that point and really going through [inaudible] grief for a long time. Speaker 1: 06:53 Um, because in my head somewhere it was, I had already lost my mom. Like so much was changing about her that even though like of course I would have loved for her to be the miracle, it's hard. I don't really think that way. I kind of more of a, I don't wanna say a rational thinker, but I just, in my head I knew that this was going to be the outcome whether I want it to be or not. So I think that that actually helped me in my grief process more so because I was already months ahead of the game when my mom died. Speaker 2: 07:23 Yeah. I, I mean I like how you mentioned that it's as hard because in a way, man, you know, you can never really prepare yo
68 minutes | May 15, 2019
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