30 minutes | Mar 18, 2020

Quality Relationships

Quality friendships are relationships that are safe, not easily overwhelmed and encouraging. Join Terry and Travis as they encourage listeners on how to have those relationships in their lives. From loving, listening and talking without judgement to helping others find their source of pain, we hope you will be uplifted and encouraged by this podcast. Transcription of the Podcast Travis: They’re not just showing me the ugly side of their life. They’re also showing me some… If I just kind of root around in there, there’s a treasure in there that’s waiting to be found and every time I find it that person comes alive and is better than he ever was before. Speaker 2: (singing) Terry: Hi. Welcome back to the Journey Coaching Podcast where we care deeply about real and authentic relationships. This is Terry and I have sitting with me today, Travis Coulter. Travis, welcome. Travis: Hey, thank you. Glad to be here. Terry: Good. Glad to have you here. I was going to try to introduce you and say what you do, but I know you wear so many different hats. How about if you just kind of explain to the listeners what’s going on? Travis: Yeah, sure. So first off, I work at a local credit union here in the area and I am a commercial loan officer there as well as kind of part-time. I do construction management for that side of things. So in addition to that, I have a wife, five biological children and adopted daughter who just had a baby. So technically I’m a grandpa. Terry: Wow. Travis: And I also serve a network of house churches that we helped start here in the area. And I’m on several boards. So there’s a lot going on at any given point. Terry: You do wear a lot of hats. Travis: Yeah. I’m trying to get rid of a few of them. None of the kids or the wife or anything like that. Terry: I was going to say, now, wait a minute. You might want to be specific. Travis: Right. Yeah, absolutely. Terry: Well, one of the reasons that you… We talked about you coming in today and talking with our listeners, I think that the topic that we talked about doing today was coming alongside someone who’s hurting and has had tough circumstances. I guess you’ve had some experience with that. Travis: Yeah, a little bit. There used to be a joke when we were in college that I had a sign that was hanging around my neck that would say, hi, my name is Travis. Please tell me about the traumatic events that happened in your life. Terry: Oh my. Travis: Because I literally be going to school at Kirkwood and I’d sit down and talk with somebody. And sooner or later they be telling me about something that was going on in their life that was not very good. And I’d be getting involved way deeper than I ever planned on being. And I used to not like that because you can get into some pretty deep conversations with people pretty quickly, but over time it’s kind of become a thing where apparently people tell me that I’m good at walking alongside people who have difficult things going on in their life and just kind of helping them through that. And so I just thought maybe we’d talk a little bit about what that looks like and how to do that. And you know, one of the things just to kind of jump in, I have a good friend of mine who is fantastic. I mean he is what you would look for in a leader in any given situation. But when I first met him, he really had no place to live. He ended up living up in my attic when we first moved into our house and was living with me and just had a lot of different parts of his life that were just not quite as put together as maybe some of the rest of us would expect. And it was really cool over a season of years, just being his friend, talking through different things with him. How much growth kind of came in that relationship in his heart and even in mind to be quite honest with you, just by loving somebody who has things going on in their lives. I think that sometimes when we talk about coming alongside people with difficult paths or difficult histories, one of the things that we think that we need to have some sort of like really in depth education, be trained for it. And I work at a credit union. I’m not trained in any sort of like counseling or therapy or anything. And I’m certainly not qualified to be a therapist, but I’ve seen a lot of growth in people just by loving people where they’re at, so. Terry: Sure. How did that come to be? I know you said that when you were in school, people would come up to you. Is that where it started or what’s the history of that? Travis: I think so. I think that when we were… There was a season in my life where I lived in Kansas City and that’s really how I also became involved in starting house churches, which is how our house church network kind of came to be. But we were involved with a group of people who spent a lot of time… Actually, I’ll tell you a funny story. Probably one of the most quality relationships I have in my life is a guy that I met before I moved down to Kansas City who lived in Kansas City. His name was John. And John has a lot of cool qualities to him. But one of the things that he would do when we moved down to Kansas City, he actually lived there. We met him before we moved down there and then got his contact information. We moved down there and he lived across the street from me. And so we would go over to his house and every single time I would go over to his house, he would have this, I used to drink a lot of soda back in the day and he would have this glass of Coke poured for me. And I would come down and I would sit in his living room and I would tell him just about whatever was going on in my life. And there was nothing that you could tell John that wouldn’t shock him. There was no question that you could ask. There was literally, there was no rules, there was no boundaries. You could tell him whatever and he would just love you and talk to you about whatever it was you were going through. And so that was a really transformative thing, and in the midst of that I fell in with this group of people who were starting churches, kind of like what we do now and they really emphasize this one-on-one relationship, getting to know people. And so I got a lot of experience in the process, just kind of having people do it to me, right? There’s this old saying that I learned from an… I’ve been in Africa a couple of times and the first time I was there, this old man in a village one time said to me, “You can’t,” how did he put it? “You can’t give away what you don’t have.” Right? Terry: Right. Travis: And so I think a lot of it started with just different people who came along and invested in my life and would listen and just love me in all the places where I was messed up and didn’t have my life together and needed some encouragement or some advice or whatever. And they would just kind of sit there, listen, help me through things that I would normally panic through. And when I realized that it wasn’t so bad to talk to them, it just kind of became easier to do that with other people. Terry: Sure. You know, you use the term quality relationship. Travis: Yeah. Terry: For anybody who might be sitting out there on their couch listening to this, who doesn’t understand what that means, how do you define a quality relationship? Travis: Oh wow. So number one, you want to make sure that the relationship is safe, right? You want to make sure that the people that you’re pouring your heart out to can hold a secret and keep it. And I think it’s kind of become a running joke. So now I tell everybody. Everybody, whenever they first start to tell me something, they’re like, “You can’t tell everybody this.” I’m like, “I’m going to take a lot of secrets to my grave. It’s okay.” Terry: So safe in the sense, I mean obviously physically, but also emotional. Travis: Yeah. And that it’s somebody that, especially if you don’t want that whatever it is that you’re going to be talking about to get out, that you can tell that person, you know it’s not going to get out to everybody that you know. Terry: They’re going to hold your confidence. Travis: Absolutely. Absolutely. I also, I will… That’s really the safety part is the main one that I’m looking for. And you only find that out by developing a track record with people. Right? And so you’re only going to know if you have a safe person by kind of giving them little bits of information and seeing how safe they’re going to be with it. And then as you kind of figure that out, then you can know whether you can trust them with a little bit more, a little bit more. Terry: Right So looking at it from the perspective of the person who wants to help someone else, then that’s one of the first things they need to do is to consider how safe am I as a person? Can I keep confidences? Can I hear something that’s maybe tough and not share it with everybody? Travis: Yep. Yep. Absolutely. Now one of the other skills that you’re looking for and you just got to look for is can I tell this person something and it’s not going to overwhelm them or shock them? You know what I mean? I wouldn’t want, if you’ve got somebody that struggles with a particular things similar to you or you’ve got somebody that, oh, I don’t know, that just would… You wouldn’t want to talk about your kleptomania where you’re stealing things from people with somebody who is horribly shocked that you could ever steal something and wouldn’t want to talk with you again. Ri
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