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32 minutes | 3 months ago
Enjoy Discovering Common Ground
How can division (lots of that right now!) actually lead to caring for each other? What if we realized we don’t have to agree on everything to still appreciate each other? On the podcast Jeff and John offer action steps for all of us to grow together…Talking through issues to see another’s point of view, just listening, working to find what you agree on, letting go of “needing to win” the argument and filling empty emotional buckets. The post Enjoy Discovering Common Ground appeared first on Journey Coaching.
28 minutes | 4 months ago
Shaping Our 2021
In the podcast episode, “Shaping Our 2021”, Jon, Jeff and Don talk about what it will take to make 2021 a successful year. Growth, critical analysis and supporting neighbors and communities has never been more important in our daily lives. The post Shaping Our 2021 appeared first on Journey Coaching.
30 minutes | 4 months ago
Reconnecting Christ with Christmas
Christmas is a time for many things, like family, good food and presents. It’s also a time to reflect on the ending year, which is even more important with changes this year has brought to our lives. In this podcast episode, Jon, Jeff and Don discuss what it means to connect Christ with Christmas, and they remind us of our responsibility to care for others. The post Reconnecting Christ with Christmas appeared first on Journey Coaching.
31 minutes | 5 months ago
Masks; No One WANTS to Wear Them
In this episode of the Journey podcast, Masks; No One WANTS to Wear Them, Jon, Terry, Andie and Don discuss their thoughts on wearing masks while we fight this global pandemic together and work through the disagreements that arise from that topic. All while reminding us all of our common goal: the return of some normalcy and our responsibility to treat others with respect. The post Masks; No One WANTS to Wear Them appeared first on Journey Coaching.
17 minutes | 6 months ago
Problem with Porn
On this podcast episode, Jeff, Terry and Don answer questions from listeners about porn. From lying about pornography, to lack of connection because of porn, Jeff, Terry and Don offer encouragement to those struggling with porn inside their relationships. Answering your questions on porn: The main reason we are doing this is to share what Christ is doing in our lives and what he has placed on our hearts to talk about. Question 1: Why does someone use porn yet tell me I’m attractive? Answer 1: People use porn for a variety of reasons, but usually it has nothing to do with how attractive you are. In some cases, when only one person in a relationship uses porn, his/her use likely started long before your relationship began. Question 2: Why does porn hurt when it’s done in private. Question 2: Why does porn hurt when it’s done in private? Answer 2: People who complain about their partner’s porn use often say that they feel as if it is an affair with another person. For that person, the intimacy that they were looking for within the relationship feels threatened. Or they fear that their partner will be thinking about the porn images instead of them when being intimate. Question 3: Why is he lying to me about using pornogrpay? Answer 3: People lie to avoid getting into trouble or because they believe that others around them will be hurt and upset if they knew the truth. Ultimately, they lie so that they can continue using pornography in private. Question 4: Why does his use of porn make me feel like we can’t connect? Answer 4: Sexual activity is an emotional and physical bonding process. When your partner is using porn, it can feel like he/she is connecting with someone other than you. Don:I can tell anybody that’s listing, if you do piddle with porn, you’re addicted to porn, or you’ve ever been there, you’ve heard any of my earlier podcasts, it’s been well over a year that I’ve been sober. This the most hopeful, heartwarming thing I’ve ever felt is to be sober. But let me share with you all, to be porn-free is every bit just as rewarding as being sober and drug free.Jeff:Hey everybody, this is another Journey podcast, and today we are taking a deep dive. A deep dive.We’re going to be talking about pornography. We’re going to be talking about sex. We’re going to be talking about relationships. Now the key thing here is just a little disclaimer, you may hear some things on the podcast today that you have not heard in other areas and you may hear some things that are going to offend you and make you mad. That certainly is not our goal, but we’re not afraid of that either.We’re going to say some things that are on our hearts and we’re going to just have some good conversation. Jeff:I’ve got a couple of people here with me that I really respect around this topic. One of them is Terry. Terry is a licensed full-time counselor. We like to say that Terry swims in the deep end of the pool. So how is life in the deep end of the pool there? Terry:Good. Glub, glub, glub. Jeff:Lots of background. Another person we have in the room is Don Evans. Don is a good friend and we can talk about different topics all day and we can just theorize and we can have these educational conversations, or we could just talk to people that have really lived some of these topics. Don, you’velived this topic, haven’t you? Don:Yes, Jeff, I’ve had quite a bit of experience over the years. Just for the listeners, I’m a 61 year old man. But yes, I’ve had many encounters with that, and that’s why I’m here today to see if I can share some insights on the do’s and the don’ts of… I don’t condone it at all, but I just was blessed to be here with you folks today, and especially Terry and you, and I think Sarah’s even in the room today kind of listening and going to help us out a little bit. Jeff:Yeah. Right, right. Don:So we’ll see if, like you said, we’re not here to make anybody mad at all. Some of the things we say may offend people. I’ll be the big guy that says right up front, we apologize in advance and hope you forgive us, but we’re going to run at this as more of what Christ would expect of us and share a little side of that with you whether you’re Christian or not. It’s up to you. We’re not judging anybody. Certainly not. But I think if you listen to it from a Christian perspective and think about it a little bit before you get all fussed up out there and maybe just apply yourselves a little bit and take a good look in the mirror, you might enjoy our podcast today. So let’s get going, folks. Jeff:We’re going to get real. We’re going to get real. So yeah, and you mentioned Sarah. Sarah is here with us along with the Annie. So yeah, we’re just going to jump in here. Jeff:So let’s just dive in and answer a few questions, here. Okay, Terry and Don? Don:Yeah. Jeff:So first one. Why would he say he found me attractive but then need porn? Who wants to take that one? Terry:I think that’s a real common question. I’ve heard that before from other women. There’s a definite issue with a woman’s self esteem when the man is using porn. There’s this feeling that I’m not enough and where do I go with this? I think to realize that it’s probably not about you. You may be very, very attractive, I’m guessing. But it’s more about the fact that he is probably hooked on porn and porn is a fantasy relationship. Jeff:Well, and you talked about attractiveness, too. I mean beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so there is no perfect attractive person out there. So it really is going deeper and building that relationship deeper, right? Terry:Correct. Jeff:Yeah, yeah. Terry:In a lot of cases, the men have been using porn since age 12 or earlier, and so it’s pattern with them. Jeff:Just a habit. A bad habit. Terry:I talked to some people before in my counseling practice where they said, men specifically, who said, I started looking at porn when I was very young and that’s all. I basically did it until I was in high school or beyond. I tried to have a relationship, and every time I tried to have a relationship it fell flat because I had no idea how to be in a positive relationship with another human. Jeff:Right. Terry:Just to understand that, first of all, it’s not about you, it’s about them. You may be the most attractive person, you may be the best in bed, and ultimately they may still go for the porn because it’s just about them and it’s about the issues that they’re dealing with. Jeff:So let’s jump into the next question here. If my partner is watching porn in private, I’m told it shouldn’t hurt me, right? Because, hey, if it feels good, do it, right? But it does hurt me. What should someone like that do with those feelings? Because they’re real feelings, right? Terry:Oh, absolutely. Yeah. It makes perfect sense that you would feel that way. It does hurt. If you think about the core reason for marriage, marriage is about intimacy, and when somebody is doing something with another outside of the. Try this again. If somebody is using porn, it’s taking away from the intimacy of that relationship. You should be hurt. Don:Yeah. Jeff:It could be a deep, deep hurt, right? Don:Well, yeah. I was in a relationship that was like that and the comments were made that were repulsive to me. I always thought I was a pretty good fellow. You all talk about the women all the time. Well, she’s good looking and she’s pretty and why is he watching porn? Well, I’m going to have to throw one in for the guys. I was married to a woman that only talked about if there was other men in the room, wouldn’t that be exciting? Jeff:Wow. Don: Well, how do you think that made me feel? I’m a macho, big Henri kind of character. You think we’re all tough and bullet proof? Have your loving wife tell you that don’t you wish your friends were in here andcould see us doing this? That’ll tear a guy down too. Jeff:Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Don:So us guys are going to have one for the team too. Jeff:That’s right. That’s right. Jeff:So next question is why is he lying to me about using pornography? You may see that a lot in your practice, too. Terry:Absolutely. Jeff:Even as they come into your office, maybe dancing around the issue, I would guess. Terry:Yeah, yeah. It is because he knows it’s going to upset you. Jeff:Yeah. Terry:So he lies about it. Jeff:Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So simple. Don:It’s real easy to tell lies just to get what you need. You’re going to fill your own self satisfied needs, so you’re going to lie and tell her she’s great and she’s beautiful when you’ve been watching porn for 5 or 10 years. Hey sweetie, you look really hot. You start dating or whatever. I don’t want to give a long answer, but, yeah, it’s a game. It’s the kill, the hunt, we’re going after. Men typically go after women and they just look at them and they visualize. Don: I know, Terry, correct me if I’m wrong, but there’s science that men are visual, physical, women are emotional, is what fires their cylinders, you know? If we’re a motor, I see a shiny Peterbilt, I’m excited. A woman goes, eh, it just looks like a truck to me. But if I can cuddle with it, then it’ll make me happy. Terry:Exactly. Jeff:There’s Don cuddling with a Peterbilt truck. We don’t want to think about that. Don:Yeah, well, I never have, yeah. Terry:I’ve seen guys cuddle with trucks. It’s really not exciting. Don:It’s pretty cool. Jeff:Anyway, next question. Why is his use of porn making me feel like we really can’t connect? Is there something there that’s missing? Terry:Absolutely. If you think about it, he’s connecting with something else. He’s connecting with a computer, a phone, a tablet. He’s connecting with a picture. He’s connecting mostly with the fantasy in his own brain. Of course, there’s something missing. He’s not connecting with you. Don:Yeah, there’s no connection at all. I mean, if he’s thinking about porn, I don’t know, unplug the computer, turn his device off, because he’s focused on it anyway. I’ve been there and done it, so don’t be no haters out there. I’ve seen it. But you can’t be in a relationship with somebody if your mind issomewhere else. Jeff:Hey, and can we just get to Don’s a pretty bottom line guy, so we can talk about this. Again, it’s good to process through this, talk to a trained therapist, a counselor. Again, coaching, get into a relationship, a guy with another guy, a gal with another gal, and really have those good conversations. But you said something earlier, Don, and again, Don’s not going to stretch this out into 50 paragraphs, but you said something about a guy using porn, what’s the next step? I mean, it was pretty short and to the point. Don:Just quit watching it. It’s just like anything. If you’ve got an addiction with anything, you can go to Terry’s office, I can set an appointment with her, and she’s going to tell me and my doctor is going to tell me, Don, you just need to stop drinking. When I almost died a year ago October from drinking, we stopped drinking and I’m still sober. So I mean, there’s no easy way to do this. I think the world’s been misled by, well, just take it one step at a time and cut down. No, just quit it. You have to stop because you got toget rid of it. Terry:You can’t break the addiction to anything part time. It’s really important that- Jeff:Yeah, right. Exactly. Exactly. So yeah, just say no. Jeff:Next question, why can’t I do whatever I want with my own body? I mean, my partner’s just being silly or being a prude or just upset about my watching porn use. Why can’t I just do whatever I want if I’m the person using the porn? Don:You can do whatever you want, just don’t expect much from your partner or anybody else. If you think you can justifiably do whatever you want, then don’t expect your spouse, he or she, to love you and want you. Just come on, keep it real. It’s just a low expectation. I’m tired of it. Jeff:Don, say what you’re thinking, man. Don:I just did. Terry:I guess it comes down to the fact that you have a partner. Your partner isn’t being silly or being a prude to be upset about the porn use. She is or he is feeling the disconnection, feeling like they want to connect with you. Why is that a problem that they want to connect with you? I would look at it as acompliment. Jeff:Right, exactly. Next question here. Sometimes it appears that it’s an addiction. I’ve asked my partner to stop, but they just can’t seem to do that. So how do I help them realize that it’s hurting me? Don:You’ve just got to be honest and tell them. Jeff:Yeah. Don: I mean, I honestly would. I had to do that in a relationship, in a marriage, and said, I’m throwing all yourstuff out. It’s gone. I physically made her watch me carry it out and throw it in the burn pile. We’re not doing this. If I find any more of an in here, you’ll be the next to go. Jeff:Yeah. Terry:How did that work for you? Don:Not real well. She left a couple of years later, bless her pea picking heart. Jeff:Again, some times you have to, and Terry, your background is also as a nurse, sometimes you’ve got to clean out the wound and it’s uncomfortable and there’s some hurt before it gets better. So, again, some of this stuff isn’t always easy and simple, but like a wound, oftentimes things need to just be cleaned out, correct? Terry:Yeah. Yeah. But I’m looking at it from more of the addiction standpoint. I also have a certification in addiction counseling, and it does. Pornography use can actually cross off all of the same kind of criteria as for an addiction. Even though it’s not cocaine or alcohol or anything else, it still stimulates the same parts of the brain. You become addicted to the dopamine rush that comes from using porn. Don:Well, here again, isn’t it just like we’ve all heard before I even became a Christian? It’s a sin, but we all try to define sins. You just said it, Terry. Well, I’m not doing drugs and I’m not doing alcohol and I’m not doing this, but I’m watching the little porn. Okay, what’s the difference here, Willis? There’s no difference. It’s still a sin. Don:If you’re not a Christian, maybe I’ll waver a little bit on that. But I mean, come on people. If we’re professing to be Christians and you’re saying that you’re struggling with porn, you’re struggling with your relationship with your wife, what do you think Jesus thinks of you? He wants to love you. You’re a creation, his, but yet you cheat on your wife and watch porn and you don’t feel any conviction over that? I don’t know, maybe this cowboy’s missing something, but I think it’s messed up. Jeff:Well, going to that for a second, Don, I think when we use the word Christianity sometimes or the Bible or whatever, I think sometimes people look at that as a hammer. Hey, it’s designed for our own good. So these things, again, when we are in healthy relationships, it’s really better than a lot of these unhealthy things, but we just have to take the steps towards those healthy relationships. Don: Amen. Jeff:Another question here. I feel lonely when he uses porn. Why can’t he give that attention to me? So this is the person, again, not that’s involved in the pornography, but really is affected by it. Terry:I think the question itself answers something. The fact that he’s using porn and she’s feeling lonely, that the attention that should be going to the spouse is now going towards this device, typically. I mean, I think the question answers itself in a sense. Terry:Ultimately, it comes down to when I have a woman or a man or someone in my office who asks something like that, one of the things I try to remind them is, first of all, you can’t control anybody else. The only thing you can do is control how much you let that affect you. Tell him or her, I guess in this case it’s a him, tell him that you’re lonely, tell him that you want the attention that he’s diverting towards something else devoted towards you, and then decide, what am I going to do with that? If it doesn’t change, I have to decide do I set some more boundaries? Do I walk away? What am I going to do with this? But ultimately you can only control yourself. Jeff:Right, right. Well, I think we need to wrap it up for today. There’s lots more questions we can answer and we will down the road. Not only questions about a sex, pornography, there’s a lot of relationship kinds of topics out there that we can get into. Things about jobs, about anxiety, depression, there’s relationship things in terms of divorce that are going on. There’s a lot of things that are on people’s minds. Again, at Journey we just want to help you to move forward well, to have those healthy, emotional, physical, and spiritual factors in your life that build healthy relationships with the people in your life. Jeff:So next steps for those of you who are listening, the first one, if you are in deep weeds on these matters, check out a good therapist, a good Christian therapist, in your area. You can Google that under Christian therapists to just make those appointments and to find that person that you’re comfortable with. You can always go in, talk to someone, see how it goes, and just make sure the match and that relationship isgood for you. Jeff:The second thing you can do is just continue the conversation here at Journey Coaching. We would like to talk with you more and we would like to direct you to those individual one-on-one relationships, guys to guys, gals to gals, where you can start to really grow in a healthy way. Jeff:So again, thanks for listening and we’ll talk again soon. Speaker 4: Thank you for listening. Tune in next time and make sure you like and subscribe. Visit us at JourneyCoaching.org and check us out on Facebook and Instagram. Start your own journey at JourneyCoaching.org. The post Problem with Porn appeared first on Journey Coaching.
37 minutes | 6 months ago
Suicide is not a simple thing to understand, nor is it uncommon. It affects us all on varying levels and has become even more relevant in these times of necessary social distance due to the Covid-19 pandemic. We could tell you there is hope for yourself or loved ones that may be considering some form of escape from the pains of life, but we want to do more than that. In this episode of the Journey Podcast, we dive into the different forms that thoughts of not wanting to exist and feel take on. Skimming the top off the symptoms that lead individuals to suicide will not always work in preventing it, but digging to the root of emotions and understanding where the symptoms originated may be what someone needs to regain their perspective of self worth. Jon, Terry and Don talk about suicide from three different perspectives to seek understanding of loneliness, pain and worth. If you or someone you know is contemplating suicide on any level, please call the National Suicide Prevention Helpline at 1-800-273-8255. Transcription Jon: Hello, and welcome to Journey Coaching podcast. My name is John Y make sure to visit Journey Coaching website at JourneyCoaching.org that’s journey, coaching.org. Well today’s topic is, is always timely and always serious. As we talked today about suicide or that. The taking of one’s own life today with me here at journey studios or Terry Carlson, Terry is a registered nurse in a licensed mental health counselor is also one of the founders of journey coaching. So how are you, Terry? How are you? Terry: I’m good. Thank you. Jon: Well, we thank you for taking the time out of your day to, to be with us and also with us as Don Evans and Don you’ve heard on the podcast before, Donna’s a journey coach and he brings a wealth of life experience to our discussion. Today. You might say that Don has a PhD in life. Welcome Don. Good to see you. Don: Thanks, John. How are you today? Jon: I am. I am. Well, thank you. And this is a, a bit of a serious topic from, maybe what you would hear on our podcasts in general. It’s a little bit heavy and you might wonder, how that fits into our podcast, with regard to, guided personal coaching. but in many respects, there are many circumstances that could be linked to suicide and the lack of having so on and. You’re a coroner, throughout your life journey. And we’ll mention that again throughout today, but I want to make sure that we mentioned it right off the top. the national suicide prevention lifeline number. Is +1 800-273-8255. That’s +1 800-273-8255. If you’re contemplating taking your own life, as you listen to this podcast, we want you to stop listening right now. Call that number +1 800-273-8255. Okay, let’s start our discussion about how this topic percolated to the top and, and why we’re talking about it today. Don, I’m gonna start with you this, this day and ask you, what kind of led to, your request really, to, to do a podcast, about suicide? Don: Well, John is present just about roughly two weeks ago. Now a friend of mine from my life group that I’m involved with on Sundays at church, Meda. I guess a bad choice and took her own life. this is something I struggled with years ago, myself. And as you had mentioned earlier, other people have heard me on these podcasts. we did do a podcast. I think Terry, you and I did the one on loneliness. so it was something that I’d always contemplated maybe doing here at journey, but. We’re, you know, we’re trying to be life coaches and help people and, you know, lift them up and I’m like, wow, we really wouldn’t want to be doing my sad story because I dealt with that for a lot of years, not real long ago. So for what sparked me to do it was because of that loss, was very close to her and her husband and it just motivated me to cry. Reach out to journey coaching, speak with Terry and say, I think we should do this. Jon: So Don set the stage just a little bit for us here. your friend, obviously had a family committed, suicide, taking her own life. And yet that has a personal, experience in your own life as well, correct? Don: Yes. Jon: tell us a little bit about, about your story, real quick as, as regards to what your thoughts were, maybe what led you to, think about that kind of, ultimate decision and, and maybe a little bit about swayed you away from that? Don: Well, Okay. So with her, I think there’s an assumption out there that people sometimes think they can see, notice some things. And it’s true. I mean, Terry, you know, you could speak to this a lot more intelligently than me, but. In her case, John, nobody would have suspected this in a million years. She was very deep into the word, you know, notes, multiple Bibles. She was just a wealth of knowledge. We all committed her in my, at her every Sunday for the homework, that amount of time that she spent doing this. But yet I have to be honest. And I shared with the group that I’ve always. Glanced at her and didn’t see any happiness. I don’t feel guilty. There’s as the pastor that did the service at church said that. You know, just know that you’re all going to have a lot of what ifs. Well, what if I would have noticed it? And what if I could have, you know, should I have talked to her? Lisa don’t play that blame game with yourself. Cause you didn’t know. but I honestly have to say, I kind of thought there was something, a little odd there because of the, she was just kind of shut down. She was easily sharing the wealth of knowledge. Then was very quiet. but we’re all different now. Thank God. Everybody’s extroverted as I am. We joke about that all the time here. in my story, mine, part of it was in the loneliness podcasts that we did. Was this going through a lot of real hard struggles in life? another wife had left kid thing with the one with a kid of mine, her and I had, taking her away from me. tough economy, times money was tight. I w had been drinking regularly at the time when it was more than what you’d call a social drinker. So I spent a lot of time alone in my garage thinking about that and just basically just having a pity party for myself. And it started to get really way out of control. this went on for months and months and months. And then I, I won’t go into those details. If anybody wants to know, you know, reach out to us, we’ll be glad to share on a one-on-one basis. but I spent a lot of time planning how I was going to do it. and then I chose not to, and then I chose an alternative way. then I decided to try to drink myself to death. And fortunately that didn’t work either. So that’s, that’s just a real brief story of it. So that’s kinda why I wanted to do this as we were doing it today. I just really feel inclined to come and talk about this because I don’t, if there’s anything I can do. To not ever lose a friend or any of our listeners, if you’d, like you said, in the opening, if you’re thinking about it, get off of here now and call that number. But if, if one person, just one in the whole world stops today, Then us three spending time here, it’s more than worth it. Jon: You know, that’s very true, Don, and I appreciate you sharing that personal information. It’s not easy to share that. Terry, the story probably sounds familiar if you’ve, And have worked with, people who are contemplating suicide or having struggles in their lives where that might be, something they would think about. is this common? Is this something that is a common in thoughts of, humans, today? Terry: Absolutely. I think, if, if people are truly honest, most people. We’ll say that at some point in their life, they have thought about what it would be like to die. Right. that doesn’t mean they’re going to commit suicide, just thinking about it. Isn’t, you know, looking at it from a counselor’s perspective. I’ll have people sometimes come in and they’re afraid that if they tell me that they’re, they’re think they’ve thought about dying, that I’ll do something I’ll have them committed or whatever. And I try to explain that no, that’s, that is more common than anybody probably thinks about that. You know, I. It would be really unusual. I think, to find somebody who, who had never thought about what would it feel like to die and, and, you know, there most people, I think even who commit suicide or try to, it’s not so much that they want to die. I think it’s just that they, they want to stop hurting. They want to stop. Life is so painful that they want to stop living because living means hurting. And if they found a way out of the hurting, I don’t think that that. Taking their own life would be the option they would choose. Don: You just nailed it. I gotta jump in here because yeah, I would, I couldn’t take the mental pain anymore. I couldn’t, and I couldn’t take the physical pain anymore. It would just gotten so, so horrible. And I would listen to some certain country songs. I could probably tell you the four or five that I listened to, and it’s not about country music. I’ve heard Christians come at me years ago on this depressing stuff. Wasn’t too well. That’s your take on it. But unfortunately, those songs, most of them are true about a heartfelt pain that this person went through. You know, trace Atkins. I keep on trying he’s climbing and crawling cause he keeps trying, but he keeps on trying. He doesn’t give up. But the pain and we’ve joked about the sun podcast. I’m kind of a tough rowdy sort of fellow you’d think, well, God, nothing’s going to bother him. You know, it’s like cast iron, not, no, you can’t judge a book by its cover and you can’t judge a humans being feelings by the way they present themselves. You know, I’ll use my own word. I was a pretend to Holick for years. I contemplated suicide. As recently as 2018, that you don’t even know Terry. So in that little shed, all that drinking, I was just not running at it hard, but I honestly didn’t care if I don’t wake up. It’s okay. If I wasn’t setting out, there was no plan in place. It’s just that I drank every day. if I don’t make it, I don’t make it. But by the grace of God I did. And that’s why I’m still here. And that’s why I’m doing this today. Jon: Well, Don mentioned some excellent, maybe underlying criteria as to what people are looking at. Are there any commonalities, Terry? is it, is it depression? Is it, life circumstances, money. relationships, or could we just do that a multiple choice in, in check all of the boxes Terry: above? Jon: What do you see and what maybe what is, what are some of the research saying? Terry: Well, I’ve got to start with what I see. And then I think the research pretty much backs it up. I think depression is one of the biggest factors when people are so depressed that they get that feeling of hopelessness and depression. Often I tell my clients, depression is lying to you. It’s saying you will never get better. And that adds to that hopelessness that you feel. And so I think depression is, is one of the big factors, although. Well, I think that more people who commit suicide are depressed, the statistics actually only show about 5% of people who are depressed, actually commit suicide or try. I think, you know, even though depression is, is a big factor, it doesn’t mean just because somebody is depressed that they’re going to do that. but I think it has a lot to do with that helplessness that people get too. And it feels, I don’t know if you’ve ever been through depression before, but anybody who’s been through depression, it, it just begins to it’s. Yeah. I try to explain it this way. I’ve had people say, well, I’m not, I can’t be depressed because I’m not sad. And it’s not really about being sad. It’s about not having that joy, not having that, you know, not enjoying things in life that they normally do, whether it’s cooking or golfing or something like that. People will often come to me and they’ll say, why just don’t enjoy these things that I used to enjoy all the time. And that’s usually a first sign that maybe there’s some depression going on. Don: Well, a lot of time. And for me back in that time, now this would have been when this really got out of control. The first time would have been about 98, 99. But whereas you speak about, they’re not really sad, but they don’t have, they’re not happy. One of my pains and sadness was that I didn’t have my little girl anymore. I was very disappointed that I had lost another wife to another man again. And it just. You get to this point and then you don’t have family around you. there’s insights on that, that Terry knows that we won’t get off track here, but no contact with my children, my, even my adult children. And. I’m not blaming them. I’m just clarifying for people that are having thoughts that there’s a thought that will take you down. A deep dark hole real fast is when you don’t have any family. Terry: Isolation is one of the top warning Don: signs thing. Don’t. I think we closed out that day with me saying something effected don’t set alone, being alone is bad, and that’s why those numbers have spiked up because of what’s going on in our country. Right now, look at the isolation and the you’ve got the numbers. We discussed them before this podcast. It’s alarming when I found those last week. The, the, the rate is that much higher because of this isolation stuff. This is so hard on us. Terry: COVID has not held to a pan Jon: isolation. Yes. COVID. Hasn’t helped the head at all. No. what are some of the other, Terry? Terry: Well, I, I wanna, I want to focus a little bit on the isolation because I think that’s a key thing. Isolation does a couple of things. First of all, we get isolated because of something like COVID or family breakups, or, you know, different things like that. But then we start to feel bad or the person starts to feel really bad. And then they, they feel like they don’t want to be out around other people. And so they further isolate themselves. So it may start off as isolation that’s caused by something else. But then they start to get really kind of in that, in that zone of, I need I’m, I’m not worth anything and nobody needs to see me and Don: know. Terry: It becomes, it becomes a, yeah, it’s almost like a snowball kind of effect. but there are a lot of other factors, substance use and substance abuse alcoholism. if, if it’s not a problem to begin with, it can become a problem. A lot of times in this there’s more drinking now, more alcoholism that. Rate is going up now because of COVID, you know, people aren’t going out to the bars as much, but they’re, you know, getting a great deal of alcohol and bringing it home. And that’s how they’re trying to cope with stuff like this. We know that alcoholism and substance abuse can make it worse. There are a lot of people who commit suicide or make a suicide attempt under the influence. You know, maybe in, in a sober state state of mind, they would never do it. But then they get under the influence and alcoholism specifically is, well, both of them, think of addiction as an emotional disease. your emotions are heightened when you’re under the influence. And so when somebody is having some feelings like that to begin with, and then they drink too much or they take some pills or something like that, there are a lot of. Issues with that. Jon: And one of the things that, that comes to mind too, as we’re sitting here talking my mind is, is thinking of adults, who I would consider, you know, people over 18 years old, probably out of the house, maybe living on their own. Do we see this in children as well? Do we see a trend? even during these times, with, with the youth taking their own lives, Terry: very young children is it’s almost incredibly rare, you know, the, that. Zero to five, six, seven, eight, somewhere in there, the trend they’re starting to count at around 10 age 10. And of course the, the rate is very small and age tend to, I’m not sure I’ve got it. I looked at some statistics yesterday. it, it starts to climb kind of average after puberty and then it gets, it just continues to climb. I think the highest rate. And again, I’d have to look at my statistics again, but I think one of the highest rates is actually in middle-aged men. although there are, there are other statistics. I found that for instance, the, basically what they’re seeing is women will actually attempt suicide more than men, men succeed more than women. And so, and, and when women try it, they use a little bit less lethal mess that’s than men do. A lot of times men will use. Firearms or something like that. Don: that was at my peak. You nailed it. I was middle-aged in my forties and I, I, it just jogged my memory. I am still blown away by the question you asked me that morning when I called you on the phone. Do you remember what you asked me when I told you a brief snapshot of what I was doing shot? No pun intended. I had a gun stuck in my mouth night after night and never pulled the trigger. Do you remember what you asked me? Would you ask me that again? Just say it, like you said, why, why did I not pull? Terry: Right. What kept you from pulling the trigger? Don: I didn’t want to make a mess of the beautiful garage that I had built. And you said. Terry: You you valued your garage more than your own life? Don: Pathetic? No, no, but seriously, I want people to hear that I valued my garage more than I valued my own life and the damage that it would have done to friends and family. Even the ones that weren’t talking to me, just look what that would have done. But the number one thing that kept me from my toe, squeezing the trigger on the 12 gauge. Was, I didn’t want to mess up my nice pretty garage that I, yeah, that’s pretty cool. Jon: Speaks to speaks to putting our faith in things. sometimes rather than in Don: an interesting way. Well, we always talk about God. Doesn’t like people that hard and hang on to stuff, you know, Terry: but in this case it kept you alive. Jon: Yeah. Don: Yeah. Yeah. I valued my stuff. But he didn’t value my life and side note on that. I wasn’t connected to God or Jesus at that time in my life. I knew believed in God and Jesus, but I had no connection, no church background, no nothing. so, Jon: well, that’s a nice segue into the question, Terry of, you know, what are. What are some of those circumstances that maybe allow, an individual to make a different decision like Don did, and did not take his life, even though he was very close to that. I mean, it was his garage, possession. you know, you’ve probably talked to people who are like Don, who have not taken their lives, but thought about it and planned it. Terry: and I’m always looking for, what kept them from doing it. That’s the question. because then I can capitalize on that. If I find out that, well, you know, what’s kept you from doing this so far and they’ll say, well, because my daughter or my son or my, you know, my friends or my family, you know, then I will capitalize on that. And I will really kind of go into that and talk about that relationship because that’s a protective factor in their life. That’s keeping them from hurting themselves. And, you know, we, we talk about how important that that person is and how isn’t that great that this person’s in your life. And we really try to get to, to go with that. But there’s, there’s usually something that in that case that, that we can pull on, that’s a protective factor. Don: I will tell you one thing that most. And maybe you two won’t even believe, but I have to share it because it’s gospel truth. There were several times during that six month period, this became a night weekly game for me. but every once in a while I would hear this voice. And my grandma’s said these words when I was about seven years old, she goes, Dani, come here. I want to tell you something. You don’t know. Jesus. And I understand that. And you’re not going to understand what I tell you, but I know, I know that someday Jesus comes to use you in a real miraculous way. She goes, now you go along now. I mean, this was long time ago. I’m 62, one years old. I heard that voice a couple of nights. And put the gun down. I don’t know if there’s any validation, but I that’s the truth. I heard her speak to me. We’ll always talk about, well, I didn’t hear Jesus directly speak to me, but I just felt it was almost like I heard it. And it’s like, and that Terry: was an important voice in your life. Yeah, she was, she was an important person. Don: Lots of respect her grandpa. Good Christian people read out of her Bible every day. Right. You know, that was the only thing. Thing. I knew about being a Christian if I got to spend a weekend with them, but she always, she told all of her kids, my aunts and uncles, she goes, you know, if y’all can be a little more like Donnie, there you’d be better off. Well, look how I turned out. And it was a mess and a drunk and an alcoholic for years. But somehow those words rang loud at me Terry: when I love what she said, because she showed you love and she showed you value, even when you weren’t doing what she. Maybe would have thought, you know, she wasn’t holding that against you. Don: Right. And now you knowing me for almost two years now and knowing what I do not to give myself any accolades. I think she was right. Terry: I think you’re right. Jon: So, so let me, let me kind of turn this back just a little bit. So we, you know, Don talked about his faith, talked about his, a grandmother who, it poured even for a brief moment into your life like that and, and changed your life. although you, you couldn’t see that until you got to that point, right? Right. Yeah. What about our friend here that, that took her own life who, goes to church, studied the Bible was a believer. what do we say to those that might be listening out there, today? that might be saying kind of like I am in my brain right now. W why didn’t our friend hear that voice? how come she followed through knowing what she knows, About, the end of our lives and, and where we as Christians, purport to be, what happened there is, do we know, is there any way to know in, is there anything we could have done, to help now? This is a tough question and maybe there’s not a good answer to that. Terry: I don’t, I don’t think there is, there’s a lot of speculation, you know, some churches, some people would say, you know, if you take your life, you’re not going to heaven. and they’re picking a certain part of the Bible. I pick a different part of the Bible that says that there’s nothing that can keep us from God’s love even ourselves. And so, I look at, you know, maybe she was depressed. and depression can be, you know, it’s, it’s a mental illness. It’s, it’s something that, you know, I, I believe that we have a very loving God and, maybe it was her time. Maybe it was, you know, he let her come home because that was that it was her time to come home and, and stop being in pain. Don: Yeah. Pastor spoke about that at the Memorial service last Friday. That validates what you just said, your belief that, yeah, she went him and she knew Jesus real well. She, she really knew Jesus. So would lead one to go, well, she had that much faith and that much trust in God. Why would she do that? Unbeknownst to me in her situation, I have found out that they didn’t do a lot of interacting with a lot of other people. They were. Quite secluded all the time. So this is just the wild guests, as we were talking about the isolation stuff. You just wonder if she wasn’t extremely lonely, even though she was married and things of that nature. I can’t say too much. I don’t want to get in trouble here. her husband knows that I’m recording. This. So I did ask permission to record and talk about my story and just mentioned as a friend. but yeah, I think there was a lot of loneliness there that we didn’t even quite understand. Jon: Terry, you made a comment a little while ago when Don asked you what you said to him when he was telling you about having a gun in his mouth every night. And you S you said, why didn’t you do it? And, and for those of us who, you know, may be shy, Terry: actually, I think the question, the question I asked was what kept you? What kept you? Jon: Yes. Thank you. That’s a little better way. Terry: I didn’t want to make it sound like, well, why didn’t you do it? Don: I like why Jon: this is why the moderator should take better notes by the way. Don: A tow in for night. Jon: Do you know? That’s, that’s a pretty straight forward question. most of us, probably, outside of counseling would tiptoe around, a question like that. you said it in, he had to answer it and he did. And that led to, you know, better, better counsel that, or, you know, understanding, between both of you in a counseling situation. is there anything harmful. That we would say if we, if we love somebody, if I, if I knew a family member, if I knew a good friend who I knew was contemplating suicide, is there anything I should not say to them? Absolutely. Or something better than nothing? Well, Terry: I, I think what happens a lot of times is it surprises us so much as, you know, just as humans, human beings, that somebody else would be this desperate that somebody else would be in this much pain. And we don’t, I think there’s, there’s, there’s some panic. That goes on in the average person, when you hear about this, who hasn’t gone through, like who doesn’t have a master’s degree in counseling. and even for those of us, there’s still that tendency to panic. If we don’t, if we’re, you know, and I think in our panic, we want to help. And so, but, but we say some really stupid things. and I say stupid lightly. one of the things I would say is don’t minimize their pain. We tend to want to make them feel better. And so we say, Oh, it’s not that bad reality. Is it, is that bad for them? It is for them. It is. we also may want to say, we offer some platitudes sometimes, you know, every cloud has a silver lining or cheer up. we could also give them, we want to give them a pep talk. So we might say, Oh, I thought you were stronger than that. All of those things would do exactly the opposite. If somebody had said those things to you, Don, would you have felt warm fuzzies or would you have. Don: Oh, back then I’d have punched him no serious heart attack. If I would have just punched him, I was Henri. and w like, where you’re going with that too, even just through normal death, I’ve got, gotta be honest and say this. I I’ve heard people say this. So it’s been like a year since that person’s passed on. I’ve been blessed and humbled to get, to do several eulogies in the last. Seven or eight years. And it just blows my mind when people go, well, you know, role-play with me, John, John, you know, it’s been over a year since your wife passed away from cancer. You know, you, you really need to get over it. I tell those people, you need to shut up and help them get through it. Not over it. It’s okay. I Jon: don’t think you ever get over something. Don: And then the things that I read. Since this happened with this lady, I’ve watched some really neat people that have a lot of knowledge about this and you can’t do stuff like that to them. And, and then you have kids. I did a eulogy for a farmer, lost his wife to cancer. Eight months later, he remarried. A lady and the daughter walked away and handed him for the rest of his life. Well, mom’s lineman gone, you know, short time, what are you doing marrying this other room? Just condemned him. And he talked, he was honest with her. He said, honey, you don’t understand. He’s a construction worker and a farmer. I worked for this guy for years, OCD or than I am. And he said, honey, you don’t realize I haven’t never cooked a meal. I take a lunch box out with me to work every day and your mother packed them every, I don’t even know how to make a sandwich. He could build any worked for the air force and can build jets, but see, people don’t understand. They, they want to jump on something right away and make their own assessment of, well, that’s not right. That you go and marry somebody else right away. And then in his comment, back to her was, and they didn’t even go to church. Terry. He goes, well, shacking up. Ain’t the way to go. She going to be in the house, I’m going to marry her. You know, Jon: so I think I, what I hear you saying and what, what I think Terry has, pointed out as well as that we, you know, one of the things I think you could do is seek understanding, right? engage the conversation and, and, and try to find some understanding as to why they feel this way. In their Don: lives. And I used to mind, yeah, we need to show grace. Terry: Well, and if you say something like everything will be okay. I promise you’re shutting off that come first nation you’re you’re you shut off any opportunity to gain, understanding, Jon: right? Tell me more offer the open-ended question about, you know, you could be in shock and I think it’s okay to let people know that, but it’s like, okay, well tell me why you feel that way. And, It’s also a good point to remind us of the national suicide prevention lifeline. Number one more time. It’s (800) 273-8255. as we wrap up this podcast, success stories, certainly there’s been people that you’ve counseled Terry over the years that, have talked to you about this, that, that did what Don did and decided not to take their own lives. Is there hope for folks after, after depression, after, tragedies in your family, after all the things we’ve talked about in this last 25 minutes, about what could cause someone to, to consider taking their own lives? Terry: I think the hope in a success story is really that I have seen have come from when somebody comes alongside somebody and says, Hey, you look like you’re not feeling so good. How are you doing? And what can I do to help? And, you know, I know this counselor. I know this, this place that can help, you know, and they just open up, like you said, open up the conversation and try to understand what’s going on. it may be what you think it may not be, but, but you won’t know, unless you open up that conversation in a nonjudgmental sort of way and ask the question, you know, how are they feeling, validate their feelings. I get it. It must be so hard. What you’re going through. I’ve never been through this. Help me understand what that feels like for you. Don: This young man in California, that I’m coaching right now. He had asked me here a couple of weeks ago, this relates to connects right here. I just thought of this, when you’re feeling bad and you’ve got that loneliness going on and just all these things coming at you. You’re you’re sitting there defining yourself. He brought to my attention in this manner when he contacted us and got connected with me. I said, you’re going to college for this. You’ve already coaching people. I’m not qualified to coach you. He came right back at me. Guys and said, Don, can I suggest that you write this town? And I said, yes, sir. He said, start letting God define me. So my suggestion to our listeners is okay. I don’t care how bad you think you are, how worthless you think your life is that you’re convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt. It can’t possibly get any worse. I’m just going to take my life and I can’t do this anymore. Why don’t you give that to Jesus and let him define you. He defined me. You want a success story, John? That was your question. Well, I speak into this microphone. I’d say that’s a, as my prayer pastor says my head senior pastor at the church I go to says, and I stole his line. I love it. One more for Jesus today. That’s his goal on his personal level. I want one more for Jesus today. Every day when he gets up, he wants to try to get one more to Jesus. Well, there’s somebody in a store walking down the street. So there’s a success story because this old Cowboys still here, Jon: and we’re glad you are, any final words or thoughts? Terry. Terry: Yeah. If you’re a person who has someone that you love in. Kind of the darkness in there they’re struggling and stuff, you know, try not to panic, try to just understand them and, realize that people will usually not talk about suicide. There are a few people who will leave a note or something, but usually they don’t, you might hear some statement like, They might talk about how things are never going to get better or those kinds of statements, take those seriously and ask them what they mean by that. Don: you know, this better than me, Terri, if you even sense, somebody’s thinking about it, just sit down and get some people around and don’t leave them alone. I’m sure if you call that number, they’ll tell you that Don can’t be alone. Now, John, you know, called the number for me and said, this guy needs help and you can’t leave him alone. 60 seconds from now, they might pull the trigger. Right? Terry: Well that, and I think also just realizing that, you may have to do some other things. If somebody is truly talking about hurting themselves, you know, remove harmful items I had, I’ve been, I have learned to not be afraid to ask the specific question when somebody comes in and they’re very depressed. Have you. Then thinking, have you thought about hurting yourself and then when they say yes on the times that they say, yes, I’ll say, have you thought about how you’re going to do it? And if they say a certain method, then I make sure that that method is taken out of their house. you know, it it’s, it’s, don’t be afraid to ask the questions. You’re not going to talk them into doing it Jon: right. Right. They’ve already thought that through a fairly well, so, well, once again, a, a, a serious topic today. but a very important topic and I, I want to thank you both, Terry and Don for, spending the time, your thoughts, your expertise, just your background. and we hope that that’s helped someone out there today as you listen to this podcast. And again, if you are contemplating suicide right now, the national suicide prevention lifeline number is +1 800-273-8255 one 802 seven three. Eight two, five, five. You can also make sure you tell someone about our website journey, coaching.org, and you can click on the green, get in touch button. The bottom of the screen, you’ll find this and more podcasts on our site and the ability to start your journey and experience real connection. So relationship strengths and purpose. That is journey coaching. I’m John Y and we’ll talk again soon. Don: Thank you for listening tune in next time Jon: and make sure you like and subscribe. Visit firstname.lastname@example.org Don: and check us out on Facebook and Instagram. Jon: Start your own email@example.com The post Understanding Suicide appeared first on Journey Coaching.
36 minutes | 8 months ago
Coming Together Through Disaster
On August 10th 2020, a portion of the midwest (including Cedar Rapids, Iowa) was hit with 140 mph straight-line winds with little notice. The destruction that resulted from this derecho was significant. On today’s podcast, guest host Jon Weih interviews Don Evens and Sarah Banowetz about their individual experiences during this storm. Listen in as we discuss how relationships were key in the initial recovery period and how Iowans pulled together to take care of each other. Jon Weih: [00:00:00] There are people, that give and, that help, you know, sometimes it’s just a matter of, you know, you don’t think you’re going to have any help. And then all of a sudden it materializes, right. or God’s timing is great. And somebody shows up to, to service your trees in the whole area. when you didn’t think you were going to get ahold of anybody and that that happened because of a relationship journey starts now. Well, good day and welcome in my name is John Y welcome to journey and I am, really new to this podcast today. And I am joined by Don Evans and I’m doing by Sarah bandwidths. and you might be wondering why have we never heard John before? And, it’s because I haven’t been asked until now. but that’s not a bad thing. It’s, it’s good to be here. a little bit about myself as we head into our topic today. I’ve been in the education field for over 30 years and have held down a job in that field for a long time. I’ve worked with students for many, many years, love that. and introduce to people that have started this podcast many years ago, through it. A car transaction. And so, that’s how I made a friendship with this family and a relationship with, the Carlson family has been, it’s been wonderful. And so, my background, to be able to sit in front of a microphone is a little different. I did last in radio for just about a year and then decided that, I wanted a different career pathway. but my hobbies are still lie in the communications field. And so I still do a lot of camera work. I do a lot of microphone work, mostly, in track and field, which is a very obscure hobby to have. And so not many people, do that kind of thing around the country, but, I am a deeply involved in that, until this last six months, when they canceled everything. And so I was desperate for a microphone and this podcast came up and I said, Hey, There’s a microphone there let’s, let’s make it happen. And so I’m excited to be here. And so as a, as the people that are listening to this podcast, realize, if you live around this area, if you’re outside of the area, hopefully you’ve heard about it. But, we had a very nasty storm, roll through Iowa back on August 10th, just a few weeks ago. And I’m a lifelong Island. I grew up here. I’ve seen a lot of bad yeah. Storms over the years, but, nothing really compared to this. I mean, if we had to put it in terms of what it was like a, it was basically a ground category, two hurricane, that didn’t just blow through for a few minutes. It lasted for quite a while. I was in my building when it hit and, that watched the wind blow, for at least 45 minutes to an hour. And it was nothing like I’d ever seen before. In fact, they had a term for it, a duration show and, in my almost 57 years on this earth, I’ve never heard that term before. but it’s Spanish for straight. And so we’ve always called things straight line winds here. In this part of the country. And, it was a very nasty straight line when, so, both, all three of us, as a matter of fact were affected by this storm, in one way or another. but, Sarah and Don both have some unique stories about what they went through, when the duration moved through, causing. A lot of damage, 90 to 125 plus mile an hour winds on a very wide path, probably at least. 60 miles wide, it at some point where the bad damage was and then, moving all the way from Nebraska, almost all the way to Indiana and Ohio before it, it burned itself out. And so a lot of damage, not only to a property. but, if you’re a farmer in this area, in that path, you don’t have corn, that looks like corn should look like this time of the year. Now at this time of the year, we’re in the fall, it starts raping and getting ready to harvest. Now we’re looking at flat corn fields with no product at all. so I’m gonna, yeah. I want to start with you tonight, Sarah, and, and, and talk a little bit about what you went through, when the storm hit, that, August 10th. Sarah Banowetz: [00:04:00] It seems a little weird that we’re sitting here talking about this August 10th storm when, when it hit and the sirens went off, it was just another Iowa storm. In fact, my husband, cause he’s working from home, we’re both working from home because of COVID. He walks upstairs to tell me that we need to go downstairs and I was just like, ah, dragging my feet. And here we are three and a half weeks later, four weeks, five weeks by the time this airs and. It, wasn’t just a regular iOS store, Jon Weih: [00:04:29] I think forecast that morning called for showers and the possibility of storms. And, and I think like a lot of us, I looked at the rate, our weather radio, our weather alarms went off in Coralville where I worked just down the road here. it, about 11 o’clock and I looked out my window and I pulled up the radar on my phone and I thought, well, this thunderstorm is way out by Des Moines yet. And so we went to lunch and by 1230 it was blowing through and it was moving at about 75 miles an hour across the landscape. And so it came on as quickly. And I think as Iowans, a lot of times, I don’t know about you as an old farm boy, Don and I probably do the same thing. We. If we know there’s a storm coming, we don’t go to the basement. We go outside, Don Evens: [00:05:13] sit on the board, Jon Weih: [00:05:14] just sit on the porch and watch it come, which is probably not the smartest thing. Please fans at home don’t do that Sarah Banowetz: [00:05:19] well, and there were a lot of stories of people who have, did they do not go to basements and they went to the basement for this. Yeah. Jon Weih: [00:05:25] Yup. And they went to the basement because it was brutally, intense. Yeah. A is how I would put it and not like a tornado intense just along, sustained wind. exactly. Like you’d see in the, in a hurricane. Sarah Banowetz: [00:05:37] Well, and that’s the crazy thing is our daughter. We had just, I don’t know if it was a whole week earlier or that weekend. I think it might’ve been a whole week before we had sent our daughter had gone up. Yeah. Cause I think it was like August 3rd that we sent our daughter off to aims to Iowa state. And, she actually got on the phone with us and she. We had already been in the basement, but she said it was like a hurricane. And I called my son, one of my sons who was, out on cottage Grove road and going to stamina to go to lunch at Chick-fil-A. I called him and said, you need to turn around and get back to the building because he was at a sports meter meeting for Cedar Valley Christian school. And, He didn’t listen. He didn’t want to listen to me cause he’s a teenage boy, but he did, we didn’t argue about it, but he did turn around and I said, your sister says it’s like a, it was like a hurricane and he left and she was on speaker or he was on speakerphone with us. the other kids and my husband, I were in the basement and Nazi goes, what does Kochi know about a hurricane? And we all laughed. And literally 30 minutes later, None of us are laughing because we were protected in the basement. Not, I was still thankful cocaine, not too. So cocaine not DVR. We have legal guardianship of knotty and Cookie’s adopted and, They’ve been through some trauma in their lives. And I was so glad they were not at the house when this happened, because we were protected. I don’t really know how the storm went because we were in the basement with our four younger children. And, we could hear the wind blowing, but it wasn’t that bad because the house, we have a fairly large house because of the size of our family. There’s eight people in our family. so we were like, There was covers on over the conforming windows and they gotten frosted plastic covers because I didn’t want people peeking in all my kids down there. And we were looking up through the like ethic frosted covers and we’re like, Oh, we wish we could see what was going on up there. and, I said it was funny, cause I said to my sons, how did I get the frosted covered glass frosted cover? covers and I’m like, Oh yeah, it was so no one would peek at you. And then Joey and John looked at me and they just started laughing and they’re like, mom, if anyone wanted to peek at us, they could have just picked up the covers. I was like, Oh yeah, why didn’t I get the clear plastic covers? Cause we wanted to see what was going on up there because we were hearing stumps, Jon Weih: [00:07:57] not knowing those are branches. Sarah Banowetz: [00:07:59] They were giant Oak trees. So our property, which is in Marion, It had, I’d say probably 10 old, large Oak trees on it. And August 11th, we had already scheduled for a tree service to come out and take care of, to take down one of the Oak trees in the front yard. And we had joked. Now it’s going to fall down. Something’s going to come up and it’s going to fall down because of the storm that we had prior, like a month prior. It was like a month out, booking them and they were to take it down on August 11th. so the first thump, we actually did think it was that one. It was the dying Oak tree. So we did think it was that the second thump, we thought that an Oak tree fell on our sun room, or a big branch. We had no idea I had it there. These trees inspected by an arborist, before we bought the house four years ago. These were healthy trees and they came down and they came down on our house and, it was really traumatic. So the, but Don, you have you watched the star. So our family did not really watch the storm Nati did. He was still in his car. It hits so fast that by the time he got went, like three or four bucks blocks down the road had turned around, there was trees. Coming down and he finally made a run for it, for the building. So he has that experience, but what was your experience? Because we, other than that, I didn’t see the storm Jon Weih: [00:09:25] and Don you have a totally different, a different experience of housing that you were in and went through in this. Don Evens: [00:09:31] Amen. I’m live in a mobile home and to make that story even funnier, I’d only been living in the mobile home about two weeks. And it’s an old mobile home. And one of the things I picked up on that Sarah said is you didn’t have any idea which way it was coming. You mentioned earlier, John, and thank you for being here today. We appreciate your time. No, Sarah Banowetz: [00:09:49] it’s my pleasure. Don Evens: [00:09:50] My pleasure far, you’re a mid reference to you and me being farm. He’s very true. So farmboy Don knows directions real well. The majority, I watched this out, my living room windows stood there the whole time, watched the whole entire thing from start to finish thinking this is not a pretty picture in a mobile home. I was watching large tree limbs hurling through the air, past my three Bay windows in my mobile home. For the most part, it was coming out of the Southwest blowing at us. I swear, ham. To God at a particular moment, about 30 minutes, 25, 30 minutes into it, it switched and I watched stuff hurled straight from the North straight South, John. It did that flip during that most people probably didn’t read Sarah Banowetz: [00:10:38] it. Don Evens: [00:10:38] Yeah. I didn’t know that I stood there. And watch the whole entire thing. That’s the point where even hillbilly dime, like we joked earlier and I just sit outside and, you know, smoke a cigarette and watch it. It’ll be fine. I went, you know what? This is getting a little bit ugly. I’m not. Feeling very comfortable at this moment. You know, I don’t want to be like, you know, the show door, Dorothy’s not in Kansas anymore. I didn’t want to be not in Iowa anymore, but there was the last 15 minutes of that. I’m thinking this is pretty, pretty rough in reference to your porn out order John. And you’re 57 years. I’m fixing them turn 62. I’ve been through a lot of storms and a lot of. Horrible storms, drought, the whole us as a truck driver. I have never in my life seen anything. This vicious. Sarah Banowetz: [00:11:26] Yeah. The sky was clear that morning. Like people who knew that the storm that yeah. They’re seeing rains coming or whatever, Don Evens: [00:11:35] they didn’t get to see the black stuff. Sarah Banowetz: [00:11:37] No, no, but like at 10:00 AM, the sky was clear. Don Evens: [00:11:41] Yeah. I know. Jon Weih: [00:11:43] Fast across the state. I mean, I did a little, you know, digging just to see, you know, how many people were affected and, you know, in Iowa there were over 500,000 people without power. most of Cedar Rapids and Marian were both of you are from power for, well over a week. where I am in coral Belle, we were just out without power for 24 hours. But, you know, we are, we are not used to that. Sarah Banowetz: [00:12:06] And there’s some people that are still without power for three and a half weeks later. Jon Weih: [00:12:09] Some, some people sleeping in tents yet that are not back in their house. And, and, we, you know, Cedar Rapids is a beautiful city, a lot of trees, Mary in the same way. And I think, You know, I think the reports are they’ve lost well over 50% of their, their tree canopy. Absolutely. And so, you know, you think about longterm effects of that. I mean, we’re going to lose, energy, over the years with, this time of the year, your house is not shaded anymore. The streets are not shaded anymore. Things like that are just, and we’re going to have trees die over the next few years that were affected by this. And it’s just a, it’s just devastating. So, you know, I wanted to talk about that. Tonight and get both of your perspectives on that, because I think to some extent, you know, there, we complained here a little bit and were Hardy. I think as Iowans out here in the Midwest and in people tend to just take care of their own things when it happened, but it didn’t seem like we had much news coverage. You know, we just had hurricane Laura, down in Texas and Louisiana and, and that had news it’s coverage from the time it became a tropical storm all the way to when it hit landfall, this came through with really out a lot of warning. And a lot of people didn’t know about it. even a few days afterwards, there was not much news coverage on this devastation at caused, especially in Cedar Rapids. I think people are going to figure it out later on when the price of their, their food, goes way up because of the loss of corn and soybeans. but why I say that is, You know, we have, in life, a few events like this that we’ll remember forever. Don was you and I were talking about this a little bit. Okay. I’ll go about, you know, I can remember certain events, like when challenger. blew up in some of those I wasn’t alive when Kennedy was shot, but my parents talked about that. I actually was alive. It was a month old. So I don’t remember Don Evens: [00:13:55] I was home with the mumps the day of his funeral, Jon Weih: [00:13:57] but, but you’ll remember this, you’ll remember this day, remember everything you were doing with the family and the basement and, how you called your son. And you’ll remember watching trees, flag five past and remembering how, how brutal this was. And I think that’s one of these defining moments in our lives. And I think, you know, we’ve had a, a year of defining moments in our lives that we’ll remember. And, and, you know, it’s thinking back to something that my, my pastor, in our church has been going through, a series in Exodus. And they’re talking about. the Israelites and, you know, everything from leaving Egypt to, going into the promised land. And one of the interesting parts of that is all of the things that they go through. Right. And we, we tend to think that, you know, we have life very well here in the United States and in that we are safe and that, nothing bad. Terribly happens in our lives. And we read those old stories and we think, man, these guys, life just suck for them. I got glad we don’t have to go through that. And then all of a sudden we go through, a worldwide pandemic. we go through unrest on the streets in our country and then a bad, bad storm hits us. And so we’re at the point where we’re looking at that saying how much more can we take of this? and yet, you look back on, on, on some of those stories and what they endured and, and they made it. Yeah. some of them did, some of them didn’t make it to the promised land. They had to wander in the, you know, out in the wilderness for 40 years just to get all the nastiness out of them. But, you know, I, I wonder sometimes too for us, and I’d like to get your perspective on this. Just kind of the followup. To that now, you know, it’s been a few weeks since the storm hit. Sarah, you know, you’ve, you’re doing everything right now from how much is this going to cost? our family, in repair of our house, Don was lucky in that the trailer didn’t really sustain much damage. No. And, you know, what does, what does that doing now? How, how are you dealing with this? How are you coping with this? and, and to some extent, you know, what, what do you see as maybe some of the serendipities that may be coming out of this, if you have them? Sarah Banowetz: [00:16:08] Ah, yeah, so. I guess that to answer the question about how I’m enduring this, I would say I’m going to ball it in with COVID too. And just saying, how am I enduring 2020 and it’s with relationships. we go to Antioch church and we started a life group, a new well new woman’s a new, I started a new ladies life group in January. And I’m leaning on those ladies, all of us like, together, we, a lot of life groups pause for summer and we just knew we couldn’t. and I actually have a, you know, I have a photo on my Facebook wall of my life group, ladies coming over and they brought us dinner, shortly after the storm. The true, I think that. I see, I think the tree is finally, yeah, it was like right after it was like a week and a half. Yeah. After the storm and the trees off, but the house is still damaged. It’s not livable. And, we were at the house and they brought over a really nice meal with dessert and salad and. Sun ice tea that they made. And, even, and then we’ve had our kids over since then. And, our kids and their friends. We’ve had pizza in the kitchen, admit there’s no kitchen cabinets. just the Island in the middle and the whole house. Almost the whole house is down to two by fours. And I have this picture. we have a lofted living room next to a kitchen. And so you can see above the kitchen, the bedrooms, but. It’s just two by fours. So you can stand in the living room. And I took a picture where you can see the upper level and the kitchen where all the kids and their friends are standing around because we were showing him the house and having pizza and stuff. And I, and I post that on Facebook and just said, even broken this house is still providing hospitality to them family and their friends. And, relationships is how we’re getting to the there’s no way. The damage was so extensive to all of this area that it was really, like they say about putting the mask on, like in an airplane, you have to put the mask on yourself. Very few people can help each other because everyone. Yeah. I don’t know. I honestly, I don’t think a single Eastern Island was not impacted and. For the first few days, it was just putting our own masks on. It’s a miracle that we actually even had someone come out to take the trees off my father-in-law. Are you a tree service owner and called him right away? And he was out within hours and then did our whole like neighborhood. And that’s really what it’s come down to in those first few weeks. It was who you knew and that’s how you were able to get Don Evens: [00:18:44] what you needed. Isn’t it kind of like what John was saying earlier, you know, not a lot of people knew about it. Yeah. I know. We’ve talked about it at church and my groups and stuff that I run with, you know, about Sarah and one of the older fellows, dimensioned. Yeah. And the reason they didn’t is. Did you notice how well everybody came together and helped one another? We weren’t, we were fortunate. We were more than blessed. There was that loss of life. There was a few, I don’t know, the Sarah Banowetz: [00:19:11] total amazing that we did not have a lot more loss of life. And yeah, Don Evens: [00:19:15] I think that’s why we didn’t get any news coverage that you were referring to. And I’m not complaining that we didn’t, I’m simply stating that. We’re here at journey and all about relationships. You just reiterated to how your ladies can around you and your life group and things of that nature. So I, I feel like we didn’t get coverage and stuff because is it that people just assume we’re Iowa or the Midwest and we kind of just all kind of mingled together really well. I think we kind of got overlooked in that area, but again, not complaining, but we did fine. Sarah Banowetz: [00:19:49] No, I, I think so. And I think also it was just a blackout, I mean, a communication blackout. I could not, I could not, if you were not face, this is how bad the storm was. If you were not face to face with someone, you could not guarantee that you would be able to communicate with them, that the TV state, I mean, we’re talking no TV, no radio. I think I got out of town and took my kids to my parents’ house. but. Those first few days, I don’t even know if like the major radio stations were even running. If they, Jon Weih: [00:20:20] where WMT was off the tower of damage, Sarah Banowetz: [00:20:23] the Christian radio station. I did notice that one on 1.9 was on the air because they’re in Waterloo. So I was like, praise the Lord. People are going to be trying to, you know, so there was that, but we’re talking. No one could watch. If the TV stations were running, no one could watch them. How, radio stations down, that phone service wasn’t going through. my husband could only talk to me if he went to Walmart and Marianne, Marianne and stood in the parking lot. I Don Evens: [00:20:47] had no food, so Jon Weih: [00:20:49] we had barely any, Sarah Banowetz: [00:20:50] no internet. Yeah, no internet. So I don’t know how I felt that that first like three or four days, I thought people outside of Iowa are going to know more about what’s going on with what’s happening to us than I know. I don’t know what’s happening to me. I didn’t know the word deracho yet if I said it, right. Yeah. I don’t know what’s going on with us right now. I don’t know who’s out of power. I don’t know what is happening. I don’t know where we didn’t know how to get gas. Yes. Jon Weih: [00:21:18] Yeah. Sarah Banowetz: [00:21:19] We, we didn’t know what was going on. It was like, we, it was like, we were putting in a big blender and shaken up with no warning and no one, if there’s a hurricane coming, I think people prepare for that. You have a couple of days to prepare for that. Outside of that hurricane area, people are there to prepare and to get word out or whatever we had. I was really wishing I had a satellite phone. I bought walkie-talkies at Walmart so that if my sons, we didn’t know how are we going to get water? I mean, cause my parents are on, well, they didn’t have power, so you couldn’t get water. We were talking about going to McBride to pull out. Buckets of water to be able to flush the toilet or whatever. And I’m like, if they’re going to go to McBride, I want to be able to contact them. So I bought walkie talkies. So I think that’s part of the community problem is if we couldn’t even understand what was going on, how was that? I mean, Beth Malicky did an amazing job getting word out. To outside of Iowa. But I think that was part of the problem too, is just that there was a blackout in communication. So Jon Weih: [00:22:17] many people affected, as you said at one time, usually islands, you know, you think back to the floods and those kinds of, they were, there were people to come help, sandbag. There were people to come help in this case, everybody was affected in one way or another. You know, our neighbors came out and were helping to Saul down trees and clear debris and do those kinds of things. And I think we need to talk about relationships, you know, that’s. That’s that’s one way you built him, you know? now we’re all outside. Instead of being on our phones, which we couldn’t use, our TVs don’t work. there’s no computers. And so someone said Sarah Banowetz: [00:22:46] it was like a big camp out. Like we went, like we went to summer camp together, when people started getting a little bit of communication and could get like slow internet through and they started the deracho Facebook group and there’s, I dunno, 30,000 people in it now, or whatever. Yeah. I, it was like a big summer it to some extent to, okay, so you asked the, like the serendipity parts. We started working together again, and this, the, like this, the protest and stuff, over racism was going really bad. Well, number one of the stars in this whole thing has been. Billy Ray, Willie Billy queues. I’m saying it wrong, but their barbecue shack or whatever, he’s been giving free food to people. And he’s now considered like one of the heroes of the draw show and he’s still giving away free food and people have been donating to that and everything too. And he’s an African American guy. so you’re seeing one of, one of the very few people who have been like held up in this whole storm is someone who’s black and. And all of a sudden there’s no Democrat and Republican. It’s just, we’re Eastern Island and we’re helping each other. And, Oh, I loved how we were treating each other, friends we’re acting like family and strangers were acting like friends. That’s how I described it. I love that part of it Jon Weih: [00:24:07] had Donna, do you have some similar experiences? I would imagine in your park, there was some damage. Don Evens: [00:24:11] Yeah. Everybody was working together. There was pretty phenomenal. Just everybody chipping in and Hey, let me get that for you and pull that loom and you know, not in my place. I was blessed. I had no damage. I had two twigs in my yard. Sarah Banowetz: [00:24:24] Antenna thing come down. Don Evens: [00:24:25] Yeah, that’s just this little TV at Tennessee. It was a rusty old pipe. You know, it, that could have happened in a normal windy day Jon Weih: [00:24:32] and he’s on an Island, Don Evens: [00:24:34] a lot of wind man. But no, you S you saw it right away. I mean, within 15 minutes of the storm, over honest to gosh, in the trailer park, there were chainsaws running within 15 minutes. Everybody just jumped to Sarah Banowetz: [00:24:49] attention. Work ethic of Iowans is amazing. I had to go, I told Nazi to stay put at Cedar Valley, and then I made my way down there. Now we’re talking Marianne to Cedar Valley. So the Lindmar area to Cedar Valley cottage Grove road, it’s a 15 minute drive on a normal day. I think I was driving for three hours and I got close to Cedar, to cottage Grove road and could not pass. So finally we decided to be on Mount Vernon road, but I’m telling you, I was amazed. I took first Avenue was completely backed up. So I took all these back roads because I’ve been teaching my son how to drive on them. And so I knew there was all these houses. With right away, the streets were being cleared by neighbors and they were helping each other out. It was really, really amazing Don Evens: [00:25:31] Iowans in Cedar Rapids responded very quickly. Sarah Banowetz: [00:25:34] Yeah. But we needed a lot of help and I, we do have to give a shout out to all the linemen and all the other construction workers who like came out here. I. When we drove, when I drove to Solon, I thought there is no way. This is an entire city that was built over many, many, many, many years. And our entire power infrastructure power infrastructure has been knocked down. I mean, we’re talking power lines, just miles and miles. Don Evens: [00:25:59] Governor rentals, citizens, radio, Sarah. Yeah. If you don’t see service trucks working in the residential area, people, we lost five power grids. We can’t come to the residential areas till we get the grids backup. We don’t comprehend losing power grids. Jon Weih: [00:26:17] Devastated. Yeah. Sarah Banowetz: [00:26:18] I mean, if we only had to do, if it was only us rebuilding alone, only as islands. Even with our work ethic, it would have taken a year or two I could imagine. And what ended up happening was all of these line men came from outside from around the country. And here’s the word on the street via that deracho Facebook group is an other people. Iowa has been their favorite place that they’ve come, they’ve gone to all these disasters. They’ve been around the country and they were just blown away because there’s multiple person after person of blind men and constructions where construction workers are saying we’re used to getting yelled and screamed at because they’re so upset that they don’t have power and Iowa baking cookies. I’m Jon Weih: [00:27:01] out of there. Out of the things they don’t have, they’re finding and they’re giving. Yeah. I heard those stories too. And in fact, alignment from Kansas, I heard on the radio, interviewed and he said the same thing. He was in Mount Vernon, just down the road, which is also a devastated little community. And, he was talking about how, he was out working on this line and this person came out and fed him. Yeah. And not only FA didn’t feed them cookies and things that would, you know, you don’t want those things when you’re working hard because they, they blow out and then you’re you feel stuffed and like going on taking a nap, right? And these guys are already working 18 hour days and fed them a real meal and got them some food that they could sustain their energy and in work and thanked him very much for it. Don Evens: [00:27:44] No, I’m really good at farming in Iowa. We’re good at cooking too. Her daughter farm being a baby. Jon Weih: [00:27:48] I make nasty peach crisp. I should have brought one in today. But, I, you know, as we kinda wrap, wrap this, this section up today, you know, one of the things I think about is, is moving forward, where do we go next? What happens? And, you know, and I’ve heard a couple of themes, you know, relationships, working together and then also, you know, accepting that help from the outside. we can’t rebuild it alone. We needed some help. And, and, and we got that and it, you know, it brings my hope and. the United States and in the Midwest and, you know, back up again, because there are people that give and, that help, you know, sometimes it’s just a matter of, you know, you don’t think you’re going to have any help. And then all of a sudden it materializes, right. or God’s timing is great. And somebody shows up to, to serve as your trees in the whole area. when you didn’t think you were going to get a hold of anybody and that that happened because of a relationship. And we know there’s, there might be some folks listening tonight that, you know, you haven’t. Yeah, I haven’t cultivated those relationships. You don’t, it didn’t nobody came to help you. you might’ve been alone in those kinds of things. And I think, you know, one of the things that I think about is, you know, what does somebody do without faith? what does somebody do without that hope and how are we going to. How are you going to sustain yourself when that happens? And you know, we’re all believers here and we know where our hope and faith is placed, which, I hope if you’re listening to this, you might say, well, maybe I miss something through all this. If I did find myself alone, if I did find myself with nowhere to turn, You know, there is Christ in, you know, maybe, you want to check that out and take an opportunity to go and look and say, who is this man? Jesus, that I’ve heard so much about. Don Evens: [00:29:30] What do you got to lose? Jon Weih: [00:29:31] Well, absolutely nothing. Just your eternity. Sarah Banowetz: [00:29:35] Well, what do you have to, Jon Weih: [00:29:37] sometimes it’s hard to be a Christian, Don Evens: [00:29:40] you know, for sure, sir. You’ve heard me to say it in podcast before being a Christian. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my entire life. Yeah, Sarah Banowetz: [00:29:48] I think, I mean, even the apostle Paul was talking about how yeah. I mean, I wouldn’t want it any other way. I wouldn’t rather, I wouldn’t want it any other way. Cause I have peace and I know where I’m going, but sometimes the expectations. Don Evens: [00:30:01] Yeah. See what I didn’t have until two years ago. And you know, the backstory to this, I didn’t have trust in Jesus. I believed in him, but I didn’t trust him to control my life. And. Thank God. I’d conquered that mountain before the storm standing in the mobile home on the 10th of August, because this is going to sound condescending and smart algae. But I had no fear. I had no fear because I’m like, if you mean for this to blow away, God, and we grabbed up an extra pack of smokes and I’m out of here, you know, seriously, I had to trust. Sarah Banowetz: [00:30:34] Yeah. But what if so, so what would have happened? What would it, what would the situation have been like if you didn’t have that? Don Evens: [00:30:41] I think I would have for the first time in 61 years, been scared to death. Cause that was horrible. I had said earlier, as we were talking today, this evening, it was pretty scary, but still I wasn’t laughing at it, but I’m just looking up and talking out loud to him and going, like I said to you almost two years ago, coming October, I’m just trusting you to take care of the things that get tough that I can’t handle. Well, isn’t it quite obvious I can’t handle Duracio or whatever you want to call us, do better hurricanes. All it was, it was, but there was nothing I could do about it nor you. Yeah. You and your family took cover. I don’t have a place to recover. Nobody. All the other people in my park don’t have police recover. So there’s one, the test of trust, really kind of, then I really liked what you said. You know, if you’ve not visited. That part of your life. I think this might’ve woke some people up to the point where, you know, my one check one of these churches out someday and see what these three tonight are talking about. Jon Weih: [00:31:39] If you want to start, I looked up, you know, just was curious as to what the Bible says about storms, you know, and if you look in Luke eight, 23 through 25, you know, the, The disciples are out with, with Jesus in a boat and the storm whips up and it’s sinking the boat when he’s taking a nap. I mean, he’s exhausted. And, and he sleeps and quite amazingly doesn’t wake up at until they wake him up. Don Evens: [00:32:04] I think he did that on purpose, Jon Weih: [00:32:06] you know, I’m sure he did, but, you know, there’s, there’s a point where. He, he tells the water and the wind, to stop and they’re amazed, you know, and it’s basically their faith, that is at a, at, at work here. And Don Evens: [00:32:21] what did he say to them when, when they find out your mom, John, Jon Weih: [00:32:25] what did he rebuke to mrs. Where’s your face? Don Evens: [00:32:27] Yeah, he said ye of little faith. Yeah. You’re not trust me. Yup. I just said, I mean, I don’t, I didn’t trust Jesus until October of 2018. And I was put, it was put to the test real hard, August 10th, and Jesus won. Sarah Banowetz: [00:32:42] I think that one of the takeaways and I, and I haven’t been this from on a journey podcast yet. I think one of the takeaways I took from this is just the fact that Jesus is coming back again and it’s going to come without warning. and we, this came and hit us without warning and it. Knocked us off our feet. Don Evens: [00:33:03] He tells us in the Bible. When I come back, I will come like a thief in the night. Yes. You might even know I came. Jon Weih: [00:33:08] Yes. So be ready. Yup. Yeah. Don Evens: [00:33:12] That’s fair. We’re more prepared. Thanks to Draco. Jon Weih: [00:33:15] And that, I think that’s a great, yeah. Word to end on tonight is to be ready out there for the next, a great show in our lives. So, thank you both for taking the time. Don Evens: [00:33:26] Thank you. That we were approaching this. I know it’s your first time and he’s done really well. Very happy that you’re here. Look forward to doing more with you. When you carve out some time with your Jon Weih: [00:33:34] mellow, it’d be fun to be back. I’m not a rookie anymore now. Don Evens: [00:33:37] So we broke in and good today. Jon Weih: [00:33:38] Well, thank you very much for being gentle with me. So, Hey, we’ll see you next time here. Journey. Thank you for listening tune in next time and make sure you like and subscribe. Visit firstname.lastname@example.org and check us out on Facebook and Instagram. Start your own email@example.com The post Coming Together Through Disaster appeared first on Journey Coaching.
35 minutes | 9 months ago
How One International Student is Handling Stress
In this episode of the Journey Coaching Podcast, Beza, Sarah and Terry discuss what it took for Beza to handle the stress of not only being an international student, but also upending her life as she knew it and adjusting to an entirely new culture. A truly inspiring story of a young woman who bravely carried the weight of immense change, culture shock and racism along with all of life’s daily stressors and managed to find growth and love in the process. Beza: I think the one thing I didn’t do well, the first few months was like, I suppressed everything. I was feeling, even my brother’s friend would come and he was “like, you used to be so nice the first few months you were here”, I just pretended that I was just really happy. But I think it’s good to tell people how you’re feeling and express, yes I’m feeling a culture shock. I’m feeling like I don’t belong. Terry: Welcome back to the Journey Coaching podcast, where we care deeply about real and authentic relationships. This is Terry, your host, and I have sitting with me today, a couple of really important people in my life. I have, Beza, who is my adopted granddaughter and my own daughter, Sarah. Say hello, both of you I’m excited about this conversation. We wanted to kind of cover the topic of stress, and I wanted someone who was from a younger generation to kind of come in and talk about stress. Cause there’s different types of stress in the different types of generations. And I was really hoping, Beza, that you would talk a little bit about the stresses that you’ve dealt with in your life, especially in relationships. Because I know that relationships can be a source of stress as much as they can be a way to cope with stress in healthy relationships. What I’d like to do is I’d like to go back to maybe one of the big stressors that you had. You actually came over here from Ethiopia when you were 16. You and your younger brother got on the plane all by yourselves. I know that you also had to go to the embassy over there and get permission to come over and get your visas and all that stuff. And that was not an easy process. That was probably a huge source of stress. Beza: Definitely. Terry: Anything that you want to talk about specifically? What were some of the stressors you had in that whole process? Beza: Well, it started, so, okay. So you mentioned how we had to go to the embassy three times. That was one of the biggest ones I think is just the fact that there’s a person deciding your fate, and they have this power to say, yes, you can get an education Terry: abroad. That was one of your main reasons to come over here, is you really wanted to have an education here. Beza: Definitely. The education and also the living situation at home wasn’t that great either. So, um, Yeah. The biggest stress was trying to get my visa and my brother’s visa at the same time. Cause they kept telling us it was, seemed like an adoption. The third time we got it. Thank God. Terry: Yeah, because each time they would say no. They denied it. And then you’d have to go back and redo the paperwork and try to answer the problems that they didn’t think were solved. Beza: Yes. Yes. And it was really like stressful because you had to be dressed a certain way so they know that you’re serious about it. Cause if you wore the certain clothes, then you wouldn’t get accepted. It was just very overwhelming, but we passed through it. Another thing that really stressed me out was leaving my family behind, and my friends. Terry: Yeah. Beza: I remember, I was telling Sarah the other day, how I didn’t tell my best friend and I was going until the day I got my visa. Because her and I have like a really strong relationship, and I really did not want to leave her. And when we got denied so many times, I just didn’t want to tell her that I was coming and then. Terry: Did she know you were trying to go? Beza: She didn’t. Terry: So it was a total surprise to your best friend? Beza: Yes. Terry: Oh my gosh. Beza: She bawled when I told her. I feel bad, but it’s just, it was really hard for me because she was going through some things in her life at the time. And like she said that I was the only person she had. Saying that I’m leaving you at your worst time really was really hard for me. And I did not know how to tell her. Even the day I told her, I remember I was like crying. I was like, sorry. Terry: You came right after the visa, within a week or something? So she didn’t have a long time to get used to it. You didn’t have a long time to get used to the idea. Beza: No, and we didn’t even finish the whole summer together. I didn’t get to spend the whole summer with her because of the whole cultural thing, you know, that’s another topic. Sarah: Let me jump in here and explain, like, we’re talking about stress. Like the stress that this young lady has dealt with is the fact that when she, when Beza mentioned that these people have your future in their hands, they really, really do. She and Nathan did not know where they were going to be, what country and what family they were going to be in. Terry: They had met you. They had met you. Sarah: Yes, because of my travels to Ethiopia, they had met me and they had met Matt, my husband, but they didn’t know. And it was all up to whether the embassy said yes or no. And they said no. And then they said no, and we were going to try one more time. We really didn’t know if it was going to work or not. It was a matter of, school was getting ready to start. And they were coming here on student visas and, was it a yes? Was it a no? And if it was a yes, they had to pack up and leave because school was starting. They landed in Cedar Rapids in the middle of, your plane got delayed because of tornadoes. Beza: That was another thing, the tornado. Terry: Well the flight alone all by yourself. Sarah: They’d never flown before. Terry: And your brother is four years younger than you. So you were 16. He was 12. Beza: Yes. Sarah: And they just pack up, they get the yes at the embassy and within days they’re on a plane. Terry: Saying goodbye to all your family. Beza: And you know what’s funny, is we almost missed our flight. Oh no. I think it was like, God, because we met this guy and we were in line, there was this long line at the airport. And so my dad took us to this one point and then he couldn’t pass. So I’ve never been in the, at the airport ever. So it was just me and him. We had like our luggage and we were standing in line and this guy turns around and starts talking to us. And he’s like, where are you guys going? And we’re like, well, we’re going to the United States. And he was like, really? Is this your first time? And we’re like, yeah, we’ve never gone anywhere. Like you’ve never flew. Sarah: You guys were never even out of Addis Ababa. Beza: No! And he was like really? Wow. I didn’t know where the gate was. And I was like, do you know where this is? And he was like, well, it’s over there. You have to hurry. Cause you’re gonna miss it. And we just ran. Terry: That was fortunate, to have guy show you where to go. Beza: I don’t think we would’ve made it if he wasn’t. So like now that I think about it. Yeah. Sarah: And I do have to mention a couple things to people listening to this podcast are going to be super confused, because we introduced you as my adopted daughter, and then you’ve mentioned some other things. So just to clarify, Beza is my adopted daughter. What ended up happening is that, the United States government did make it possible that as an adult, she could legally be adopted. So we actually adopted her, even though she’s been in our home for four years. Has it been four years now? Beza: Yes. Sarah: Three and a half. Yeah. This summer, as an adult, she was able to be adopted. Which doesn’t affect her citizen status, but it does make it so that she’s legally our child. Terry: She’s been a part of your family for a long time. Well, and that’s another thing I wanted to, you know, you came over here and there’s a lot of stress and all of that. And you get plunked down in the middle of the Midwest, Iowa. You’ve got, you’ve got this whole new family, right? Not only did you come over to a new to new family to kind of be with, while you’re doing your student visa, but you now have four brothers and sisters you didn’t have before. What was that like, stress wise? Beza: Wow. Okay. The corn. That was just another, I was not expecting that. I had this picture of the United States in my head, you know, like the pictures they show in the movies. Like the city. I’ve never seen the countryside in the movies. Like, yeah. And then I was like, wait, where are we? Yeah, we came home. I remember the first place we went was Culver’s. It was nice. Everyone was really nice. Like I never felt out of place until like, okay, so a few weeks in. Sarah: Your stomach hurt? Beza: Yes. And I started just getting. Terry: Just getting used to different foods would affect your stomach. Beza: I think I was eating like Lays chips and grapes for like two months. That was the only thing. And Ginger Ale. Sarah: The girls and I are going to Ethiopia. My two biological daughters
33 minutes | a year ago
Trusting God Through Difficult Situations
Change can be a terrifying thing for numerous reasons. Whether it be the fear of the unknown or the work involved with change, change can be challenging. Today on the podcast, guest Cami shares her story of learning how to trust God in whatever happens. It’s in these moments that she realized God can be trusted and that He often provides in ways we don’t see. Transcript Cami: I can’t control it. Like I have no control over the situation. God has complete control. So whatever happens, I just have to trust whatever God brings with it. Announcer: Your life, your journey, starts now. Annie: Welcome to the journey podcast, where we care deeply about real and authentic relationships. Today we have with us Cami. We’re going to talk today a little bit about family stressors in the midst of this worldwide pandemic that we have going on. How we’re handling them, how we’re handling them as a family, how we’re navigating through them. We hope that it’s encouraging and uplifting to each one of our listeners. So I wanted to introduce who I have with me today. I have Cami with me, Terry and then myself, Annie. And so Cami, do you just want to tell us a little bit about yourself? Cami: Yeah. My name is Cami. I have three kids, 10, seven, and four. I am a stay at home mom and, yeah, that’s kind of our life. Annie: So what do you like to do for fun? Cami: Oh, for fun. We enjoy, we really enjoy warm weather, which is kind of hard with where we live. We love being outside when it’s warm. My kids love riding their bikes. We love taking bike rides together. We like even just going to the baseball fields and playing catch with each other and doing a little baseball games as a family. We love swimming. We love vacations together. Annie: It’s all around American family. So I wanted to ask you a little bit about your initial reaction to this global pandemic. Like what, how did you initially react and were there changes that you made or, different ways of thinking about it and how did you help your family during this time? Cami: When it first started coming up, I was very leery, of what actually was the truth behind all of it. Just cause it seemed kind of odd and strange and, like, I had some people on my Facebook feed saying, Oh, I’ve been seeing this coming for months and I’ve been prepared and we’ve been stocking up then, then others, it was kind of like a huge shock. So I was, I was kind of, I guess, in the middle of that and in between the two of those. That was kind of one of those things trying to like figure out like, okay, I don’t want to be silly and like, stock up like crazy, but if that’s what I’m supposed to do then I don’t want to be, you know, on the other side of not being wise and not having what my family needs as well. I definitely would say I played more on the side of, I didn’t really prepare like a huge, huge amount. I didn’t stock up on things immensely. I just kinda took it day by day as the news came out of what things were closing, what was happening. As far as school closures go again, just kind of took it day by day and see. Annie: Did you see an increase in your family’s stress level? Cami: Yeah, the first week when schools were canceled, I remember it was very stressful and it was just trying to get in that routine of like, okay, what does this look like? And the unknown, the fear of the unknown, I think was a lot for me. And trying to navigate that of, okay, like, if this is now our reality for the rest of the year, cause people are already talking about that at that time. What does that look like for a family? How do I do that with teaching the kids cause, I quickly realized I’m not a teacher for a reason. My kids really missed their teacher, as far as being at school, not so much. But they would joke that I wasn’t a very good teacher. So yeah, just trying to navigate all the time that we’re spending together. Making all the kids get along, and myself get along with everyone. My husband was still working his normal 60 plus hours a week, and so then he would come home and the kids were going crazy. So that made him go a little bit more crazy than normal. And I was like, no, no, no. It’s okay. Like they’re children, like it’s okay. They can be wild and crazy in the house for awhile because we’re all just trying to get through this. Annie: Was there any, I mean, you touched a little bit about having a good routine, but was there anything in particular you did to be, I guess, less stressed or more calmed or having a new normal, was there something that you remember thinking or doing? Cami: I remember one night. Cause we had like, I kind of tried to make a routine of like, okay, let’s still go to bed at a decent time and wake up and do school and do it this way. And that just didn’t really work for our family. I remember one night I posted a Facebook status or something about, or maybe it was on Instagram, I don’t remember that it was 11 o’clock and my four year old and seven year old were still awake, giggling like crazy with each other. That same morning, earlier, my seven-year-old didn’t wake up til 10 o’clock in the morning that day. And so I was like, you know what? Like for our family, with my husband’s schedule, cause like I said, he was still working normal hours. He doesn’t get home a lot of nights till 8:30pm at the earliest. And so for my kids, they still wanted to see him. Cause typically on school nights they don’t see him. And so I just decided, you know what, we’re just going to kind of make it more of a summer schedule for right now for what it is. And if they go to bed 10 o’clock or 11 o’clock, then that’s okay. And my kids sleep in, so that works for us. So we just definitely, I tried definitely to be more laid back about it. And if we, in a lot of times we didn’t start school, like “school”, if you want to call it that, until 10 or later every morning, and that’s what worked for us. So I just kind of tried to go with what worked for our family and not try to make such a strict schedule that it made everyone cranky with each other. Annie: So how did you figure out, like, what works for your family? Cami: The opposite. I would probably say the opposition that I would get from my kids, of trying to go to bed early and trying to have such a strict schedule and that it just made everyone irritable with each other. So I just decided to go with the flow, I guess, more. The flow of what my kids were needing and wanting during this time. And I kept seeing the, you know, I wanted my kids to remember this time as a funner time and not a stressful time. Annie: Have you always been like that? Where you’re a go with the flow kind of person. Where it’s like, You take on new challenges or new stressors and you figure out like, well, we’ll just figure out a flow. Cami: I would probably say so. I enjoy change. So I think maybe that goes with it, too. Like I’m okay with change. And so I kind of, in our family, has always kind of been. Because of my husband’s job, we’ve always kind of stayed up later. We’ve kind of just. He, we never know what time he’s getting off at night. And so we’ve kind of always, because we’ve always had to go with the flow. And if I don’t, if I have a very strict schedule and like, okay, we’re eating at this time and this is happening at this time, it’s just, it doesn’t work with our family because of his schedule. Annie: Can you remember a time in your life that was particularly super stressful to you? Cami: Yeah, early in our marriage there was a situation where my husband had not told me the truth about finances in our life. And so, I found out, and that was, yeah, I would say that was the most stressful thing. And in that time we had had our first son and he had like, huge eating issues as a baby. He wouldn’t eat, he wouldn’t gain weight. The doctors were constantly telling me he wasn’t thriving. So I literally thought as a first time, mom, I was only 22, I was killing my son because every time I took him to the doctor, they would tell me he wasn’t thriving, he wasn’t gaining weight. And then on top of that, then that’s when I found out about our financial situation. And so I just kind of took it head on, the financial situation. And I fixed it. I guess that’s just kind of how I do it. The same thing with my son. I tried thing after thing, we went to doctor after doctor, until we finally got an answer to the problem. Annie: So you were able to handle the situation, by when you say, “take it head on”, what do you mean? Cami: I didn’t, I did mope in it, but at the same time, I didn’t. I was like, you know what? This is what it is. This is what’s happening in my life right now. And I’m going to fix it. And I’m going to fix it, honestly, like I fixed it through the word, through being in the word. I mean, it’s not like it was all easy by doing that at all. There were so many times it was really hard. But I just constantly went back to the Bible and same thing with my son. And it doesn’t mean that like I always did it right. There were so many times I would call my husband, when I dealt with my son, I would call my husband at work and I’d just be bawling. And I was like, I’m not fit to be a stay at home mom. Like I need to go to work. This is so hard. Like I just want to get a job. I just want to se
27 minutes | a year ago
Everybody deserves to live life to the fullest. From the day you were born to the day you leave this earth, you were created with a purpose – a reason for living. Join us today on the podcast we sit down with Dr. David Clarke to discuss the reasons why growth is essential to our livelihood. Transcript Dave: Life’s not worth living if it’s just on the superficial crust of the earth. It’s just not. The benefits are awesome. Now, there are the most important are spiritual benefits. If you’re growing, you will automatically remove obstacles to your relationship with God. There are physical benefits because when you’re walking with the Lord, I think automatically there’s, stress is released. Emotional health is critically important. Every relationship you have, God, spouse, kids, neighbors, friends, is going to be improved dramatically. Terry: Welcome back to the journey coaching podcast where we care deeply about real and authentic relationships. This is Terry, your host, and I have sitting with me two really cool guys. I have David Clark. He is a Christian psychologist and author and speaker from Tampa, Florida. He’s written some pretty amazing books. His most recent one is called, I Destroyed my Marriage. So some, some really challenging things. Also with us today as Jeff Carlson, a business owner, and one of the founders of Journey Coaching, and he also happens to be my husband and Dave is one of our good friends. So we should have fun with this conversation. Our topic today is going to be about why grow. I’m going to let Jeff kind of kick this off and start with some of the first questions. Jeff: Well, I’m just super excited, Dave, that you are joining us with the zoom thing, you know, pretty cool. We’re all figuring out how to do zoom, but, uh, yeah, very cool. We’ve known each other for like, what, five, six, seven years? Dave: It seems like, yes, six or seven years. I think so. Jeff: Yeah, yeah. And when I, yeah, it’s been, and we’ve done some really cool things together. My wife and I attended a day of seminars, and I thought it was off the chart, the best marriage seminar I’d ever been to. And Dave, I think one of the reasons for that is just you are, not only do you bring very good content, very good, raw, honest, you don’t beat around the Bush, let’s put it that way. Right. Dave: I don’t, I write no frills. Right. To the point. Jeff: Right to the point. And that’s in your books which by the way, DavidEClarkphd.com I think is your website, correct? Dave: David E. Jeff: David E Clark. Dave: Yes. Jeff: Yes. Dave: That does it, yes. Jeff: And that he’s been on focus on the family, written lots of books, done lots of seminars. Really, really good. Really good content, and go ahead Terry. Terry: We will put a link to Dr.Clark’s website and all of his books and stuff on our website. Dave: Yeah, that’d be great. Yeah. Jeff: Yeah, yeah. No, and well worth it. Dave: This could be about me, too. I mean, it’s about Journey, and I love Journey, but it could be about me as well. Jeff: And it has to be, right? It’s just cause, I mean come on Dave, you know you, it’s all about Dave. Dave: That’s right. That’s what Sandy says every day. Jeff: Oh my gosh. So anyways. You know, very good content and really good at getting to the heart of people’s relationship issues they have. Journey has also been in development for many years. We’ve been, you know, five, six, seven years butting Journey together, have a great coaching process to help people one-on-one, go through individual coaching ,coupled a couple. But here’s the thing, and here’s why. I’m really excited to talk to Dave today because you’ve been doing this interaction with people and you can call it coaching, counseling, seminars, whatever you want to call it. They’re really helping people grow. You’ve been doing that for what, like 30 years? Dave: 33 years. There’ll be 34 this August. Jeff: Yeah. Wow. Wow. Wow. And as Terry mentioned, I’m a business guy, so I dabble in this part time. Terry is also a counselor, she is full time. You know, you guys dive into the deep end of the pool. And you do, each in your own ways, you do a great job. What I have found, you know, with my heart of trying to help people grow and develop, what we have developed through journey is really this one phrase keeps coming back to me. And again, it’s why I’m excited about talking to you today, Dave is, just people’s mindset of why should I even grow? You know. Why even bother? And let’s just really highlight that real quick. Terry and I were at a couple of seminars that Dave did down in Georgia here a few years ago, and one of the best evenings I ever have experienced in terms of the content of the material. In terms of he packages, everything in humor. And I think you have people… there could have been some serious pant wetting going on there. There was some serious laughing. I mean if you remember that night, people were just. Dave: They liked it! Jeff: They liked it! It was really good. But now I want to compare that for a second. So the last super bowl, I mean, like we’ve all, we may not have heard of Journey, we may not have heard of Dave Clark, but we’ve certainly heard of the Superbowl, right? We go, wow, it’s the super bowl. And last year, like 700,000 people attended like over a 100 million watched on TV. So, you know, as good as Journey is, as good as Dave’s books, seminars are, I think we’ve got to be honest, Dave, we reached less than a hundred million people this last year, right? Dave: Slightly less, yes. Jeff: Slightly less, but in terms of helpfulness and in terms of, you know, what are you going to get out of it? I will guarantee that engagement in growth, and you know, whether it’s, what David Park is doing, what Journey is doing or something someone else finds to do in terms of personal, spiritual, emotional, physical growth is going to be more helpful than watching the superbowl. Why do so many people watch the superbowl? You know, help unpack this just cause you’ve seen this, right? You have seen the challenges. You know that you can help people if they will just be open and listen. But it comes back to somebody sitting out there today and if they’ve even made it this far to hang onto the, you know, to listen to this part. Why grow? Why, why should I bother that the person sitting out there that the guy, the gal, the couple, why do I even need to bother to grow? Dave: That’s a great question. Our culture and even the church, we see it filtering into the churches, is really superficial and entertainment driven. We got into this mode, you really can’t offend anyone. I have spent my career offending people. That’s what I do. And as I recall from the Bible, that’s what Jesus did as well, by speaking the truth. And so we have this whole culture. We’re turning out narcissist after narcissist, now. The numbers are off the charts. We want superficial, we want easy. People don’t like change because change is hard. People don’t like, you know, to work on things because it’s going to cost them some pain and they don’t want to endure any pain. So we have all these distractions, why the Superbowl is incredibly successful. The marketers are geniuses, they’ve made this dumb game, which is actually meaningless, into an incredibly meaningful event. And they talk about it for hours and months leading up to, but it really, it means absolutely nothing. It’s fun, but it doesn’t mean anything. That’s the culture we’re living in. The church, I’m afraid in many cases, has adopted that. I’ve talked to pastors all the time, and they’re well meaning, they’re good people, but they don’t have anything like Journey. They have the things that they do, but they’re very sensitive to offending people, big donors. And here’s how we’ve done things. They do want people to come to Jesus, and they do want them to grow. That simply isn’t happening on any mass level in the United States or in the world. Jeff: Well, I think the focus, and sometimes, you know, there’s so many other peripheral things that we get focused on and even in the church, right? Because Jesus’ call to action is to go make disciples. So. Disciples. Dave: You don’t hear many sermons on that. That’s a command. That’s not a request. That’s a command. It’s why we’re here. It’s our number one reason for living. But in the Christian world, especially, there’s 10, 12, 40 things ahead of that now, and that’s sad. Jeff: So again, a neat opportunity to talk with you, Dave. And, because again, we can come up with all the great strategies. We can come up with all the good stuff out there, but people have to engage. I mean, they really do. And if they don’t, if they don’t make the decision, right, I mean, you can be, and you see that on your practice probably for the last three decades. If they’re not engaged in it, if they’re not saying, I am going to be a self feeder. And do something better with my life. You can meet with them as many times as you want and they can invest as much time and energy and it’s probably not going to do any good. Correct? Dave: Right, terrible. Unde
30 minutes | a year ago
Got a Story to Share?
Do you have a story to tell of your personal growth to inspire others? If so, you’re invited to apply to be one of our podcast guests by getting in contact with us at firstname.lastname@example.org. By sharing your story, you are bridging the gap from alone to connected. We believe everyone is meant for real and authentic connection. Reach out to be our podcast guest today at: https://journeycoaching.org/contact/ The post Got a Story to Share? appeared first on Journey Coaching.
42 minutes | a year ago
The Journey to Choosing Joy
Today on the podcast, we interview a special guest, Deveri. Deveri recounts her life story and how through it all, she was left with a choice. This choice led her to forgive. The post The Journey to Choosing Joy appeared first on Journey Coaching.
30 minutes | a year ago
Sarah’s Journey to Ethiopia Part II
Join us as we welcome back Sarah as she shares part II of her journey to Ethiopia. Sarah recounts the peace and the safety she felt in Ethiopia as the rest of the world was scrambling. A lot of this joy and peace was due to prioritizing relationships and viewing her time spent in Ethiopia as a gift. The post Sarah’s Journey to Ethiopia Part II appeared first on Journey Coaching.
43 minutes | a year ago
On the Way to Ethiopia in the Middle of a Worldwide Pandemic Part I
Today on the podcast, our special guest recounts her story of her International trip to Ethiopia when it was announced that the United States was going to be shutting down their borders. The story of how one family reacted and the decision making processes that took place. Transcript of Podcast Annie: Welcome to The Journey Podcast, at Journey Couching we care deeply about real and authentic relationships. Relationships that are natural, that fall into place when two people get together and are just able to talk about what’s on their hearts and what matters to them deeply. Today I have with me Jeff Carlton and Sarah Banowetz and the topic that we’re going to talk about today is, we’re just going to talk about their perspectives, about what’s going on in the world both as individual people and as business owners, so welcome Jeff and Sarah, how are you guys doing today? Sarah: Thank you Annie. Jeff: Good, good, this is our first shot at doing one of these Zoom things, I think I just made a funny face at the start so- Annie: I’ve got to remember not to pick my boogers or something. Jeff: Just, what you see is what you get, so hopefully the content is maybe better than the delivery from at least one third of us, being me. Annie: And that was cool, I just realized is that we have a couple of generations here, so the way generations think about what’s going on in the world, and the world will be different. Jeff: Yeah, Sarah always says I’m old school and she’s new school, she definitely defines that clearly to me, often, don’t you Sarah? Sarah: Yes. Annie: So I guess I’ll throw it to you first then, Jeff. Do you want to give just a little synopsis of what’s going on in your life right now as you’re dealing with this chaos in our world. Jeff: So much, so different. First of all, I wish I had bought Zoom stock a couple of months ago. Oh my gosh, that company is so well positioned for what’s going on, it’s amazing. On a more serious note, and just a glad note is, and then one reason I’m really excited to talk about with Sarah today is, she actually left, and get this for timing, the day that they announced that they were cutting off travel to Europe. Not just the day, an hour after the flight, with her three kids takes off from Chicago to go to Germany to go to Ethiopia, an hour after she’s in the air, and they announce that they’re cutting off travel to Europe. I’m like, “Woo, okay.” My daughter and three grandkids are on this plane going to Europe. Sarah: It was a hard call because we had made these reservations back in Thanksgiving Day of 2019, and just so that everybody listening to this realizes, the date that we’re recording this is we’re right in the middle of the whole COVID-19 crisis. So we had booked these tickets to Ethiopia on Thanksgiving Day and we were going to go over spring break and the few weeks before it was, do you go, do you not go? We were just leaving it up in the air, we didn’t know what we were going to do. We decided to go, my husband thought it would be a good idea for us to go because not that many people were flying, there wasn’t shut-downs at the time. The wisdom that we had gotten was that in about a week it would be really easy to make a decision because it was either definitely you could go, or definitely you can’t go. At that point when we were making the decision, they were saying this is a really tough call to make. So we made the tough call and we left. Annie: And I watched you make that decision and I don’t think that you took it carelessly, I saw you weight the options and go back and forth and at the time that you guys went, it was like that. It was like that information that we had to make decisions could go either way and you were just left to make your best guess based off of the information that we had, and that’s what I watched you do. I watched you weigh the odds back and forth. Sarah: Yeah. Jeff: Well, and just how well you and Matt, how well you guys worked together to navigate through all this too. What a team, I was like, “Pop”. Sarah: Even that morning, I had a hard time falling asleep because you know if you’re taking three of your kids. We have six kids, we have three girls and three boys, two of our children are from Ethiopia, one daughter and one son, and then two biological daughters and two biological sons. Our Ethiopian daughter was allowed to travel. Our Ethiopian son was trying for a new visa and he was not allowed to travel. We just got notification yesterday that he is now, because he got accepted for that new visa program, but three weeks ago he was not allowed to travel so what we had decided to do was, because we really wanted to get our daughter back to Ethiopia this year to her extended family. Her family out there, including her biological father. Sarah: It was a girls trip so that’s why we were split up here, to just give perspective to what was happening. I was taking our daughters to Ethiopia and my husband and our teenage sons were staying at home over spring break. That morning that we left, I’m getting ready to take our daughters over on an international trip, I’ve been over to Ethiopia four times, we have family and friends there, I felt confident about that, but I do struggle with anxiety and I will say that it was hard. On that morning I didn’t sleep very well the night before because I was packing and stuff. That morning I woke up, I’d only gotten probably three or four hours of sleep, and I’m the kind of person that needs a full night of sleep otherwise the anxiety gets really high. Sarah: So my anxiety was really high and I just asked my husband, “Can you stay home from work this morning, can you do the rest of the packing that we need to get done and I need to take a nap because I’m not going to make a wise decision here without taking a nap, because what I want to do right now, is I am scared out of my mind and I just want to quit.” My dad, Jeff, has taught me to not be a quitter. So I was, “Okay, I can still quit because they’re refunding tickets,” so it wasn’t a financial matter, it was just a matter of do we do this or not? I went and took a probably two or three hour nap. Sarah: We had to leave around noon and so I took a two or three hour nap while he finished packing, he had to go to Walmart and grab some stuff for us. Then when I woke up, I felt refreshed and felt better and the fear had gone away. It was then just logic, do we actually go or not? That’s when he looked at me and said, “Yeah, I think that this is the right decision for you to go. I think that less people will be flying, and you’ll have an easier time”. Sarah: Because I said do we go this summer instead? And he said, “I think it’s going to be safer for you guys to go now than it will be this summer, for you to go when everyone starts traveling again.” So I said okay. My brother came to pick us up to drop us off at the Chicago airport and that’s where the story takes off then. Annie: I know because I’ve heard, but I want to hear your story about when you guys were in the air and you had a little circumstance that happened while you were in the air and I want to know what you were thinking in that moment and what you felt, and what did you tell your daughters that are there with you, that are leaning on you for perspective. Jeff: Well, and she’s shared with me just the technology piece of this, because it was real time. We were in on this too [crosstalk 00:08:10]. Sarah: Everyone was in on this, it’s crazy the way technology is, and it’s such a blessing from God, I will say that was such a blessing from God. So we had gotten cheaper flights by driving to Chicago and leaving from Chicago. We were going from Chicago to Germany, and when I say Germany now, now that’s a hot topic here. So we were going from Chicago to Germany, Germany to Addis Ababa, Ethiopia, right? So, we had left Chicago, and I will say in hindsight, the scariest point of traveling to Ethiopia in terms of getting Corona virus, was the actual Chicago airport, O’Hare. Annie: Mm-hmm (affirmative). Sarah: It was the most crowded out of everything, that was the point where it was like, “Oh my gosh, this is real, be careful”. Again, there was this one hallway at the airport in Germany where everyone congregated together for about three minutes, and that was scary again, but otherwise I honestly felt very safe. The airport was very clear, the planes were very empty and we had spray. My mom’s a nurse so we had spray, rubbing alcohol. We had hand sanitizing wipes, hand sanitizer, we were washing our hands, and we had gloves so I felt very, very safe. Sarah: Here’s the point where it got a little hairy, and this doesn’t have to do necessarily with us getting sick, it was just the situation. We leave, we fly out of Chicago. We are about 45 minutes to an hour in the air, I went and looked at the map, we had not even hit the ocean yet. We were still over North America, we were over Canada and this man from Cedar Rapids. I ran into him on the plane and he was across the hall, he heard me talking to my daughter. Oh, he asked if I was the leader of a school trip because I’m telling the girls to sanitize everything and so I had finally got them all settled and he leans over the hallway, the aisle and he was, “Are you running a school trip, or what’s going on?” Because obviously it’s me and then two white children and then my Ethiopian daughter. Sarah: He didn’t know who these people were. I was, “No, these are my daughters” so he starts talking to me and we’re talking pretty close and at one point him talking, spit hit my arm. Annie: Oh no. Jeff: No. Sarah: I didn’t tell you this, Dad. I didn’t want to be rude, but I’m also thinking, “Yeah, we’re doing this thing, but I also want to be wise about it” so what I- Jeff: Keep your spit to yourself, buddy. Sarah: I know, so I’m trying to back up but he keeps getting closer to me, obviously we’re in an airplane, right? So I’m trying to back up a little bit but I’m trying not to be rude but he said he was from Cedar Rapids and at this point we had no cases in Cedar Rapids, so I’m like, “He’s from Cedar Rapids, it’s okay”. I’m talking to him and we’re just talking about, I don’t know, just how you talk. While we’re standing there in this aisle talking, this young woman walks by us, sobbing. It must have been about an hour into the trip because it was late, our flight left around 8pm or something, so I had started getting them ready for bed, and I got them set up with movies and stuff and the plane had turned its lights down and stuff. Sarah: She walks by sobbing and I look at her and I said, “Are you okay?” She said to me, “No, they shut down the borders and I haven’t seen my husband in five months”. Annie: Whoa. Sarah: Yeah. Annie: So what did you think at that point? Did you feel fear rising? Sarah: So much has changed since that, that was only, how long ago was that? Three weeks ago? Annie: Three weeks, yeah. Sarah: So much has changed in three weeks. I froze for a second and I started to not really understand what she was saying, but I knew that there was a possibility that this could happen because I had even… You know Annie and I work together, right? Annie’s my account manager for my company, she helps run my marketing clients, our marketing clients and so you know how burnt out I was and how I really needed this vacation, this break? Sarah: I wasn’t going to bring any of my work with me. When I left, I had given everybody directions for any emergency situation not even realizing that this necessarily could be the emergency situation, but I had left Annie in charge of running my company and I was going to bring nothing with me except for my cellphone with my work contact information on it. I wasn’t going to bring my laptop. Sarah: Because of Corona virus I decided to bring my laptop because I knew that it was a possibility that we could get to Ethiopia and then they could go close the borders. I did not expect at all, because if I thought that this could have happened that quickly, we wouldn’t have left. Annie: Mm-hmm (affirmative). Sarah: I did not expect that we would be an hour into our first flight still over North America and they closed the borders. That shook me because that was fast and I still had a whole international flight, flights in front of me with my daughters who have never… My youngest daughters, my biological daughters have never flown internationally and it was, oh my gosh, the weight of that. I didn’t react right away because I wanted to know if she was accurate. I did not realize that we had internet on this flight and so we said our goodbyes, the three of us and then stopped talking and then I went to try to figure out if what she had said was true. Sarah: I couldn’t figure out how to get on the internet, I’ve got on the internet a lot on flights, this flight I couldn’t figure it out, I was also under stress. I went back to the flight attendants and I asked if they had heard anything because they were on their phones so I knew that they had internet access, in fact when I walked to the back of the plane, one of the attendants was on her Gmail account, so I said, “Can you look this up because I can’t.” Annie: Mm-hmm (affirmative). Sarah: At first they blew me off and I was like, “No, this lady just walked by crying”. This male flight attendant looked it up and was, “Yep, it’s true. He just announced it.” Once I knew that it was true, my next step was to actually get on the internet. So the flight attendant helped me get on the internet, because it was an international flight we had to do some other things to the thing or whatever. I got on the internet and I started texting, Facebook Messenger my family. At this point it was 11pm, midnight Dad? When I got a hold of you guys? Jeff: Yes, about 10 I want to say- Annie: What was your reaction? Jeff: … or maybe nine o’clock. Yeah, I think it was close to nine actually. Annie: So when Sarah contacted you Jeff, did you already know this information or was she just telling you for the first time. Jeff: Yeah, I think I did and I just thought wow, this is… Because I knew already and so that hit me but then when I talked to her, when we were talking on the text messenger, it was just like, “Wow this is so cool”. I’m no tech guy, I’m amazed that I can sit with my little headset on and actually get [inaudible 00:16:35]. Actually the computer wasn’t working because I had a little piece of the original plastic on it so the camera was all cloudy, so that’s my level of tech is real low and I’m not a tech fan, but oh my gosh, I was just so thankful that in real time we could be talking with her and especially that her husband Matt could be speaking into this. Sarah: My sister had to get in touch with him because I think he had already gone to bed. Jeff: Something, yeah. Sarah: Amy called him and then said you need to get on Viber so that you can talk to Sarah. Annie: What mode did you guys go into? I know from my perspective, my mode would be a planning mode of one way, but everybody has a different way that they react. Sarah: It was definitely a planning mode because that guy, he asked me what I found out by the attendants, the guy that I was talking to, and I said that yes it’s true. Then we started talking about what we were going to do and I joked that I wish they could just turn around the plane because we were only an hour outside of Chicago. Annie: Did your girls know anything at this time or were they just watching TV? Sarah: They didn’t know anything. Annie: Okay. Sarah: They had their earbuds in. Cokey, my Ethiopian daughter had gone to bed so she had already laid down, we knew this was going to two seven hour flights and I had already told them I wanted them to get a full sleep cycle in, so four hours on this flight and then four hours on the next flight. I think I had already sent them off to sleep. I know that Cokey was asleep because I went to say something to her and she had her ithing on and her- Jeff: You said the plane was fairly empty so that was fortunate because you guys could actually lay down- Sarah: Yeah. Jeff: … through the seating areas which was pretty cool. It was obviously a first class flight, you weren’t in first class but you had so much room, you could spread out. Sarah: Everyone was laying down flat because we had so much room, there wasn’t that many people on the flight. Especially the next flight because a lot changed. Annie: I want to know your planning mode because our listeners don’t know that you didn’t come back right away. Sarah: I didn’t come back right away. We got into planning mode and I talked to my husband, my sister woke him up and then he got on Viber and was talking to me and my thought at this point, as much as I love Ethiopia and want to get to Ethiopia, my thought was I did want to turn around in Germany and come back home. I had- Jeff: I would have voted for that one. I like that idea. Sarah: Well, part of it being that my Ethiopian daughter is on a green card, and so she’s a permanent resident, so when he said that US citizens could still come back, there was a moment when we were trying to figure out what about Cokey. What about my daughter, which by the way, she’s on another podcast, her actual name is Basa, her nickname is Cokey, so if ever I say Basa, Cokey is the same person. That’s what I wanted, my husband got on and he started working to try to get us to get a new flight from Germany back to Chicago right away after we landed. That was my first goal and so I rested, at this point I go into self-care with my anxiety, I’m on an international trip with my three daughters, granted my oldest one is 20, Basa is 20, Cokey, but my other ones are 13 years old and 11. Sarah: I go into self-preservation mode where I’m like, “Okay Sarah, they’re taking care of this, your family back home is taking care of this, you need to rest.” Annie: How can you do that? Sarah: It was a matter of knowing that if I didn’t rest, I would not be able to take care of my daughters very well later on. I’m 37 years old now and I’ve gone through life well enough to know that if I wanted to do what I needed to do, I had to rest. Annie: Mm-hmm (affirmative). Sarah: Also, this is not my first rodeo with doing scary things. I’ve had a doctor look over me and tell me that if I didn’t stop having children because of my C-sections, that I would die. He stood over my bed and said, actual words, “Sarah, if you want to live to see the four children you already have, you need to stop having children,” and walking through that. I’ve already been on four international trips at this point, this is my fifth. I think the things that God puts in front of you that are hard, they help prepare you for those moments when you need to be prepared for them. So I did, I rested. Jeff: Right, and let me just interject one thing here too that’s so cool, Sarah’s not a natural flyer. Some people just love to fly, right? They’re just totally at ease and it’s just fun, she used to hate it, she’s gotten a lot better, but again I think some of the take-aways here is, we all have stress, we all have anxiety but Sarah’s and mine too, I’m just not a natural flyer, so when you’re dealing with that and then trying to navigate past that, “This isn’t natural to be up in this big thing up in the sky” and now adding all these other things, it’s one of those things, maybe like faith lamaze for the gals who’ve done lamaze before if they go, “Whoosh”. At some point you just need to let go and go okay well, It’s so much out of my control now. Annie: I think it’s amazing that she could sleep though, because when I think of myself, if I’m overwhelmed or stressed- Jeff: Right, yeah. Annie: … the last thing I can do is sleep. Jeff: Yes. Sarah: Honestly I don’t know if I actually fell asleep or not though. I will say that I made the decision to put my eye things on because I even told you guys that didn’t I? Didn’t I say I’m going to rest now? Jeff: Even resting, right, is good. Even if it’s not sleep, it’s resting, right? Sarah: I didn’t stress about if I would actually fall asleep or not but I put my eye things on, I put my neck pillow on, I lay down because actually we could lay down, and I made the conscious decision to at least get into a sleeping position. Annie: That’s good, I like that. Sarah: Whether I fell asleep or not, I don’t remember at this point, so much has changed. I rested and then I did get up to check to see what Matt had figured out and so around midnight I think then it was, midnight or one o’clock in the morning, Matt, I checked to see where he was at with things and found out that the… My goal was that he would be able to book a flight before everyone woke up in Germany to find out this because then all of the US citizens would be flocking out of Germany. Annie: Mm-hmm (affirmative). Sarah: So that was my goal and he was on the phone for I think three hours and trying the website and stuff. So what he said is, “Sarah, I just think you guys need to go on to Ethiopia. Just follow your original flight plan, we’ll figure it out when you get to Ethiopia”. He was concerned that even if we did get a flight out of Germany, it was going to be packed full of people and he knew that these planes were not packed going out to Africa, and so he would rather that we safely flew on to Ethiopia, instead of catching Corona virus on the way back to America through Germany. Sarah: I said okay. To some extent I wanted to get home but then I wanted to get to Ethiopia too and I was just, “I like Iowa, I like Ethiopia. I’m fine with either one”. Annie: But then you went on to enjoy your time, to love your time there. Sarah: Oh, we had such an amazing time. Jeff: Hey, before we go to that, real quick though. I think it’s so key, and as it related to Journey and the importance of healthy one-on-one or couple to couple relationships, going back to that relationship you and Matt have, isn’t it neat that you could toss that in his lap and say, “Matt, I need your help here. I need your perspective because I’m right in the middle of this battle. I’m flying off here”. Sarah: I didn’t have fast enough internet, I wasn’t going to take my energy to try to solve the problem myself. I knew that he was at home and he could do it and if he needed to take the day off the next day, he could have done that. Jeff: Right. His perspective and just… So that’s where I felt good is, I’ve seen these guys navigate through tough things before. If it had just have been me I would have been, “What can I do to get her back?” I just thought that it was such a cool thing that they worked together, and as we were just getting into, they went and had a really good trip and counter intuitively, Africa has a really… Because you would think Africa has all kinds of… It’s really just broken out like crazy over there. Well it hasn’t. Ethiopia has one of the lowest rates of infection all over the world right now. Sarah: And that is very interesting, I think our listeners would like to hear about what it was like to be in Ethiopia. Annie: I do, yeah. Sarah: I do want to mention because I don’t want anyone to feel bad or to look at their own life and say, “Oh my husband and I don’t have a relationship like that.” I’m going to say Matt and I have been married for almost 19 years, we got married young, and we do have a really good relationship, but it has also been very, very, very hard and I will say that we’ve doing counseling, my mom’s a counselor and she recommended this specific marriage counseling which I don’t know what its called but Kelly- Annie: EFT. Sarah: EFT. If anyone is listening to this and they… I thought marriage counseling would be like, “Oh, tell me what I need to do, and if I do all these checklists, then I’ll have a happy marriage,” and I wasn’t interested in that and so EFT is so different and I won’t explain it right now, but if anyone’s listening and they… Because right now, we’re all close together with our families and stuff too and these counselors are doing counseling appointments via Zoom, and so if you have any need for a specific kind of counseling, even this marriage counseling type of thing that they do, it’s been really helpful for Matt and I. I think that this is part of it, we were able to handle a crisis situation because we had shored ourselves up prior to this happening. Jeff: Right, and whether even your husband or a friend, just how important it is- Sarah: It could have been someone else. Jeff: … just have somebody along beside of you, even if they’re not in the room. Sarah: To that end, which we’ll get into in a little bit, but to the end of a friend, the thing is while Matt was helping me personally with our family. Annie here was the person who was helping run the company. While Matt and I are making decisions about our family and stuff, Annie is making decisions with the rest of the team about Banowetz Marketing and no, Annie and I are not married, but yes, similar relationship. Like you said, a friend. Someone that you can trust who you can lean on for support in those times when you need them, and Annie, Melody and Jen and June and the rest of the team, those were the people that were helping back with the company while I was gone too. Jeff: I’m wonder too, because as we’re talking here and I’m looking at the clock, we’ve probably spent an half an hour here and I think we could go for hours. Sarah: We could. Jeff: I’m wondering if we maybe don’t wrap it up with that idea of just encouraging people, which again is what Journey is about, right? Is that intentional relationship building. Might be a good idea to jump into that now with the situation where people do have some time, where they are close together, and start to build that because it’s something that is tougher to do when there’s a lot of distractions going on. There was football games, basketball games, different things happen, movies, plays we can go to. It’s distraction, right? It’s great stuff, but it’s distraction whereas now, we can actually intentionally help each other to grow and that’s what Journey is about, Journey Coaching is about. Annie: I agree with you. I just think the listeners are going to want to ask Sarah to come back at some time because they want to hear the good [crosstalk 00:29:40]. Jeff: This could be a multi-stage podcast, right? Let me just share one other thing real quick here, so I was in the grocery store the day after she left and I’m walking around and so many people are tossing toilet paper into their shopping carts. These big things of toilet paper and I wanted to go up to them and say, “Guys, relax. There’ll be enough toilet paper, my daughter just left for Ethiopia, they’re in a worldwide pandemic.” Annie: Perspective, yeah. Sarah: When you say it like that, to me, so many people were worried and going crazy about this and to me honestly, we live in the Cedar Rapids area, to me it was like going to Iowa City. [crosstalk 00:30:32]- Jeff: Yeah that was- Sarah: … snowstorm and I’m yeah, we had to be wise about it, but I’ve been to Ethiopia so much, I have Ethiopian children, I have Ethiopian friends that I was like Ethiopia is my second home, so to me every time people said that kind of stuff to me is what I hear is, “Relax, my daughter is in Iowa City right now.” Jeff: “How we’re going to get her back from Iowa City? That’s 30 miles, up interstate, oh my gosh.” Oh golly. Sarah: We should at least say what I was leading to with what it was like, right Annie? What it was like. Annie: In the midst of chaos people are looking for good and they want to cling onto other people’s experiences that are good and joyous and happy. Sarah: Yeah. Annie: They want to share in that time. I know that I do. Sarah: It was a very sweet time and the United States from the outside, I saw all the live presidential announcements they were playing on the TV’s in Ethiopia in restaurants and hotels and stuff and people’s houses and everything. From the outside looking in, it looked like the United States absolutely went crazy and I was sitting in Ethiopia just… Do I even want to go home? [crosstalk 00:32:01]. Annie: I don’t know if it was a breakfast but you had this, looks like amazing coffee and I was, “I want that Ethiopian coffee and food.” It looks actually relaxing, I want that food. Sarah: It was very relaxing. It had been four and a half years since I went and I really feel like God really blessed me with this trip, blessed my daughters and I with this trip, to have this time of connection, it really did shore us up to come back to the United States and I feel like we had a break that most people did not have. Quite frankly, the entire world has stopped moving and we were one of the very few people that kept moving, and I realized that there was danger in that and I understand that and I know. I’ve already done a lot of push back about that, we made the best decisions that we could make at the time and then while we were making them, we did the very best things that we could. At this moment, it’s been a little over a week since we got back to the United States and we are still quarantined. Sarah: My three daughters, the four of us are quarantined upstairs on the top level of our house, self quarantined. The boys are in the main level and in the basement. I have not hugged my husband in three weeks since that day that I hugged him when I left, I haven’t hugged my husband, I haven’t touched my sons. I haven’t given them hugs or patted their hand. Sarah: When we go downstairs, we have face masks on if we need to walk through the house. We’re cooking food upstairs so we’re making these conscious decisions to be safe. That said, while we were in Ethiopia, and our Ethiopian family and friends they realized what was happening. I was scared to be around them and they came up to me and gave me big hugs. Jeff: Wow. Sarah: There was a point on St. Patrick’s Day, that’s when things changed a lot and it did change in Ethiopia too. They started having hand washing stations outside. Usually when I’m in Ethiopia they’re very, very, very friendly, strangers, but it wasn’t necessarily that way. People were scared of us when they saw that we had white skin, they would put their face masks on and I don’t blame them for that at all. That was definitely odd but it was very safe. I got sunburned going to Unity Park. We still did social distancing in Ethiopia, not to the extent that we’re doing here, but we were with our small groups of people and when we went to Unity Park, we made sure that… I said I didn’t want to go unless there was very few people there, we used hand sanitizer a lot and we were pretty much really just with our very close friends and our family in Ethiopia. Sarah: It was a very nice, relaxing break and when I got back here, I feel like I’ve been more shored up to handle the decisions that I need to make in my business with the people in my life. What do you think from your perspective Annie? You’ve seen me come back, do you- Annie: I’ve seen you come back refreshed to me it looks like and at ease. Sarah: Yes. Annie: You’ve led in a way that was… Relaxed probably isn’t the best word but you weren’t hyper, you weren’t nervous, you weren’t pushing or running it was we’re just taking one step at a time. I’m going to lead with the information that I have, I’m going to be calm and collected, I’m going to make the decisions based off the information that I have and we’re going to be okay. Sarah: You’d even mentioned last week when we did a sales call together, afterwards you were, “Wow, you’re so relaxed with that.” That really impacted me because I didn’t really think one way or the other until you said it, but I think it did help, I think that- Annie: I love that about you though. Sarah: Well it’s not my natural personality though, my dad knows that’s not my natural personality and we did lose, we lost a client through all of this but then we got two more this week. Annie: Mm-hmm (affirmative). Sarah: It’s just like you said, just analyzing and taking it one step at a time. Annie: Mm-hmm (affirmative). Jeff: Well I think something too Sarah, that you do that is so helpful is, you look beyond the current reality and I think sometimes people, and it’s so natural as humans, we look at what’s happening right in front of us and we go, “Ha, oh my goodness, this is scary but how can we look beyond what’s right there, look beyond the scary and look for the possibilities of hope?” It sounds a bit trite maybe at this point but if we really intentionally try to do that, some really good things can happen and you eluded to it. You had texted me earlier that you got two new clients and I called you up and kidded with you, I said, “Sarah, didn’t you get the memo, you’re not supposed to be getting clients in this environment, what’s going on here?” Sarah: I don’t think it’s trite. Annie: I’ve heard the saying, if you look for the good, you’ll find it but if you look for the bad you’ll find it as well. Jeff: Right. The other thing real quick before we go here and this is a podcast for another day, Sarah has just always had a heart for Ethiopia and she’s always said she’d love to live in Ethiopia, have coffee and tell people about Jesus. I think one of the things about Ethiopia, because it’s always the other way, we’re always like, “What can we give to Africa, what can we give to Ethiopia?” It seems like Ethiopia can give a lot to us in terms of those relationships, how to sit down with people, have coffee, just have whatever you have in terms of a relaxed, “Hey, we’re just going to sit and talk and get to know each other.” Because they’ll do that for hours, right Sarah? Aren’t there two hour coffee ceremonies or something? Sarah: No, two hours is short. What I was doing in Ethiopia was spending five to six hours sitting around having coffee and injera and that’s the way I spent my days in Ethiopia. Jeff: You loved that, right? Sarah: Oh I adore it and it doesn’t happen here. Jeff: Right, well here’s the thing. Might you be able to impart some of that because maybe we don’t go to five or six hour coffees here, but could we go to instead of 15 or 20 minute rushed interactions, maybe to 30 minute, and hour relaxed coffees where maybe there’s some things we can learn that you can help teach us all. Sarah: You’re right on the right track and it’s not even about the relationship too, that’s a huge part of it, but we have so much to learn from Africa and I had these conversations when I was there too that I brought up. Not only can we learn about relationships from Africa, but I think business people are going to have to learn some things too. I think we as a community are going to have to learn some things too because America survives on commercialism and right now everything’s shut down. Jeff: Right. Sarah: Africa really thrives on sharing and community and I think if there’s a benefit that’s going to come out of this, is the fact that we do need to learn from Africa how community works and how people survive and how they move forward in life in that community. Jeff: Right. We were talking about that in theory quite a lot, community matters. In church worlds we talk about community matters, in other setting we talk about getting together in a group or go bowling together, whatever. It’s not on as deep of a level as it is in Africa because over the years, you go to the history of Africa, people had to do that to survive, right? They’ve had to rely on each other. Sarah: Yeah, exactly, yeah. There’s one more thing that I have to add to this part of the story. I have to add this because I think without this, if you’re listening to this story and you don’t understand this part of the puzzle, it doesn’t fit. I was calm because I know where I’m going. I was calm because I know where my daughters are going. The four of us have given our lives to Jesus Christ. I knew that he is good, and he is fighting for us and that whatever happened, we were going to be okay and without that, I don’t know how you’re calm. You get what I’m saying? That’s ultimately the end result, it did not matter, or does matter, but that’s what I knew is that if anything happens, we are ultimately okay. Annie: Mm-hmm (affirmative). I like that because- Sarah: And that’s the foundation of this whole thing. Jeff: Amen darling, preach it, preach it. Annie: All right, I think it’s time for us to wrap this one up today- Jeff: That was fun. Sarah: Thank you Annie. Annie: Thoroughly enjoyed hearing your story, hearing both perspectives and I just want to say that at Journey we’re all about relationships, about getting people into authentic relationships where they can grow. They can learn their world view, they can learn their strengths and their areas of improvement and I just want to mention that if you’re interested or you’re looking to get in a relationship where you can grow, there are coaches that are available that can walk alongside a seven week process with you to focus on your strengths and to learn how to address your areas of weakness from a strength perspective. You can visit us at journeycoaching.org or on one of our podcast apps. Recorded Voice: Thank you for listening, tune in next time and make sure you like and subscribe. Visit us at journeycoaching.org and check us out on Facebook and Instagram. Start your own journey at journeycoaching.org. The post On the Way to Ethiopia in the Middle of a Worldwide Pandemic Part I appeared first on Journey Coaching.
22 minutes | a year ago
Physically Distant with a Strong Connection
Jeff and Don explore what it means to deeply connect, even if you are physically apart. From being intentional about what you talk about (strengths, areas of improvement and worldview) to taking the conversation deeper to discuss the matters that are closest to your heart. Transcription of the Podcast Don: But I also want to make it clear that I know there’s single dads, single moms out there, even married couples that are kind of, “Oh, the kids are all here. What are we going to do?” Well, we’ve got to adapt. We’ve got to adjust. Jeff: So welcome back to The Journey Podcast, where we really do care deeply about real and authentic relationships. This is Jeff and I’m sitting here today with Don. Don: Good morning, Jeff. Jeff: Good morning, Don. And we’re going to talk a little bit about connecting, about those relationships that really matter in life. And it’s a topic that is really important with all that is going on in the world, and we think it matters now as much as it ever has. So yeah, jump in and grab a cup of coffee wherever you’re at, and sit back and relax for a few minutes and we’ll chat. So a little background, and this just happened yesterday, in fact. I was at the grocery store. I probably spent 10, 15, 20 minutes at the grocery store, and I had three people just come up to me and start either talking or asking questions, and it was really cool. It was really neat because I mean how often have you gone down to a grocery store and have people come up to you and just start talking? Don: Well I can see why it would have been extremely rare to you because you’re always kind of about you don’t have a lot of friends. So when a lot of people started talking to you, you’re were happy. Jeff: I was like oh, a person. Don: I scare everybody, and they run away from me. A lady at the chiropractor’s office yesterday came around the corner, and she looked back at the secretary and said, “I don’t want to sit in there. I want to be further away from that guy.” And I’m like geez. I’m not that crepey looking. So yeah, I can really dig on how you’d like other people to start connecting with you because now you’ve got more friends, dude. But do you think maybe it’s because everybody’s in a little panic mode? There’s lot of stuff going on in the world right now. Jeff: Yeah, a lot of stuff going on. Don: A lot of scare, a lot of fear. Jeff: Yeah. Don: I even felt lost this weekend. I couldn’t go to church. Everything’s different there because of this thing, so I felt lost and lonely for a few days there, trying to figure out how to reconnect with the world. Jeff: Well we’re back here today, right. And it’s you and I. Don: Yeah, chatting it up. Jeff: Yeah. Now you’re not going to hear these girls on the podcast, but Jen is here sort of running all the equipment here. You can even say hi Jen, from a distance. Say hi. Jen: Hello. Jeff: See she’s there. And Annie is joining us by this thing that I think is called Zoom. Oh. So she’s nodding her head up and down. Yep, I’m there. But what’s cool, Annie has a little sniffle, a cold and she’s actually in another city about a hundred miles away, but she can join us by Zoom. And we’ve had a good conversation this morning for about gosh, 20, 30 minutes. And so three of us are in the room and another one of us is a hundred miles away on the computer. But hey, got to love technology, right. Don: Yeah, and it works. I mean you would think a country hillbilly like me wouldn’t know about Zoom, but I’m on them a couple times a week with some home based businesses that I do. And I think this is going to be a way for people to possibly connect, especially on this church side of thing. We just got a letter in an email yesterday that we will be live streaming until further notice because of the state laws and stuff. And I know I was watching some videos last night, some farmer friends of mine that’s all the way out in Ohio, from the Illinois [inaudible 00:00:03:45]. We all know that. Don: So yeah, I think this is going to be another way to also … I’m going to encourage people that do listens to us on Journey to share with their friends to come and connect with us on Journey and listen to what we’ve got to offer the next three or four weeks. We hope the contents going to be good. And you’re not going to be able to get it with your normal social groups, so come hang out with us for a while. We’re pretty funny. Jeff: So today we’re going to talk about how to do that, how to connect and how to keep those relationships going, and actually maybe to even build some new relationships that are even deeper than relationships that you’ve had in the past. So yeah. So we’ll just kind of jump in a little bit. I think let’s go back a little bit, and I just love hearing your story, Don, and just how you’ve gone from disconnection to connection over the last year or so. And for instance, we were talking to your brother here a few weeks ago, and just really cool there, how that’s gone deeper. But it seems like every time we talk about … when we’re just talking, you are giving me another story of just how you’ve just sat down with somebody, how maybe you’ve had a family meeting and you guys have gotten closer. And then what you were saying just here a few minutes ago of just how distant it seems right now, right. I mean we’re seeing firsthand just how, because of what’s going on, there’s just a lot of distance. Don: Well, there is, like I said, with the emails just put out that we are no longer going to be there. I’ve only been actively back involved in church for a little over a year and a half. And prior to that I sat in my little home/shed for two and a half years drunk every day. We’ve done other podcasts. I have severe history of alcoholism. So to walk out of that, get better, connect God, and get right with the coaches from Journey, that was one of the biggest blessings to me is to connect with two fellows that want to come up alongside you. Yeah, I’m a guy, I’m going to go ahead and say it. They loved on me, dude. They cared about me, and they want to help. So for a year and a half now, everything’s been rolling pretty smooth. Jeff: And we’ve talked about that before too. The whole idea of more than just that conversation about your favorite football team, right. More than that conversation about, “Hey, what’s that basketball team doing?” Or what kinds of things are going on at work? Don: All we talked about was the Cubbies. I’m like I’m sick of all this. I lived in Illinois for years, and Gary would laugh, and he just rubbed me with it every week about the Cubbies. So we had fun, like buddies. It wasn’t just a coaching thing. We became, still to this day, friends. But when you spin off of that, like we were talking earlier, so I’m a single guy, so I ask myself when I hear the news about not being able to attend my local church anymore, been on a really good groove here for a year and a half, okay. I’m a big strong boy. I can handle things emotionally, but maybe not so much. I see a counselor. I have anger issues. I have a tendency to fall back on alcoholism. So if I wanted to let my life spin out of control right now, and I think there’s so many people out there, guys, I really do that are going, “What do we do? What do we do?” Well, and I’m not saying this that people would feel sorry for me, but how do you suppose I feel? Don: Went from drunk for two and a half solid years, reconnect to the world, plug into a large church that I had known in the past briefly, get actively involved, and now, based on the chaos, or whatever you want to call it, going on in America and all over the world, I’m forcefully being shut off from the things that I like to do. So what am I going to do? Whether you’re Christian or not, matters not to me, but I’m going to hone in on reading my Bible, and I’m going to work extra hard at staying connected with Jesus because I don’t have places to go now. And here’s a little catch 29. What if I were to just be discontent and full of fear again? That could lead right back to drinking again. Don: So I’m doing double time here for myself, but I also want to make it clear that I know there’s single dads, single moms out there, even married couples that are kind of, “Oh, the kids are all here. What are we going to do?” Well we’ve got to adapt. We’ve got to adjust. And we have here, at Journey Coaching, we’re going to try to bring you good content every week, please listen and see if you can pick up some little rabbit runs to follow along with us so that we can help encourage you in these stressful times. I mean they are stressful for the average person. Jeff: Yep. And the times are typically … There’s stress anyway, right. I mean it’s just we have more things to sort of cushion us. We’ve got that next basketball game, that next tournament series, we’ve got that thing that sort of can distract us. So let’s face it, we’ve just got less distractions right now, and so what can we do? And so it’s more than the podcast. So here’s the thing. What can people do? Well, we can all have those intentional growing healthy relationships. Well, how do we do that? At Journey, we’ve invested the last … It’s over five years of really developing some good cor
24 minutes | a year ago
Hope In The Midst
In the midst of chaos and confusion, it is essential to cling to hope. Today on the podcast, join Jeff, Don and Jerrad as they discuss the importance of choosing the emotions we dwell on as well as finding the good from the challenges we face. Transcription of Podcast Jerrad: You know, for me, I’m recharged when I walk out of there on Sunday after service. So I think that this is going to be a huge test of faith for a lot of people, but I think people are eventually going to… We have to turn to faith right now anyway because it’s the only way we’re going to make it through this. Speaker 2: Your life, your journey starts now. Jeff: Well, welcome back to another Journey Coaching podcast, where we care deeply about real and authentic relationships. This is Jeff. I’m your host today. I’m sitting with an old friend, Jerrad. I don’t know how old though. Not that old. Jerrad: Not that old. Jeff: But kind of. Jerrad: I’m getting to that age where I’m starting to feel a little bit older. I feel like I might be growing up a little bit. Jeff: That’s right. But we have worked together for probably about five or 10 years. Has it been 10? Jerrad: Eight. Jeff: Eight? Jerrad: Eight, yeah. Jeff: I have a business, and Jerrad works at another business that is a key vendor of ours, and has provided us great service, really good service. Yeah, we can even give them a little plug, I think. Albert Auto Service is a great mechanic. You’ll see Jerrad at one of their locations if you walk in. Can we do that? Can we give it a little plug? Jerrad: Yeah, absolutely. Jeff: There you go. Then Don. Don: Good morning, Jeff. Jeff: Don’s a new friend. I have known Don for coming up on a year, and that’s always great to have you in the room and be talking about things that matter, so thanks for doing that. Don: Fun to be here. Jeff: So anyway, well let’s jump in. There’s a lot going on in the world today, and we’re going to try to address those things just head on and just be honest and real. I mean, just yeah, different times. Do you want to jump into that a little, Jerrad? What are you thinking? What are you feeling, man? What’s going on here and how do we take what you’re feeling then move to something different or better? Yeah, what’s going on? Jerrad: It’s crazy. That’s the best word I can come up with to describe any of it. I called my dad the night before last and we were talking a little bit. He’s going to be 78 this year, and he said the same thing. “In all my years never have we seen anything like this.” Jeff: Yeah, yeah. Give us a little insight, because we know there’s a lot going on. We know that. We know all the things. But just again, guy-to-guy, let’s just be honest guys here sitting around the table. How are you feeling? Just sitting back there going, “Oh, just another day at the office. Everything’s rosy.” Maybe not that. How are you and your wife feeling about this? Jerrad: It’s been like that for quite a while. We’ve all known for six weeks, a month, whatever that this is on the way. It’s coming. Jeff: Yeah. Jerrad: To finally, within the last two days, it’s just been straight on top of you. Jeff: Yeah. Jerrad: My wife has been struggling with it, just this impending doom feeling and not even wanting to get up and go to work type thing. She makes herself do it. I think some of that has to do with the fact that none of our kids are at home right now. It’s spring break, they had stuff planned. Jeff: Well, tell us about that a little bit, because you’ve got three kids, right? Jerrad: Yup. Jeff: They’re not sitting all in your living room, which again, with schools closed and stuff, having kids all sitting in the living room is another dynamic, for another day, another audience, but you guys have some kiddos and they’re not sitting in your living room right now, so talk about that a little bit, how that feels. Jerrad: Yeah, with our oldest, we’ve kind of gotten to that point where we’ve put faith and trust in her because she has moved out of state and we don’t see her on a super regular basis. We just pray that she’s making the right decisions while she’s there. With the younger ones, like I said it’s spring break, we were expecting them to be gone for a week and then back, now they’re talking about maybe extending their visit out there a little bit longer. Jerrad: It’s tough because at the same time we want them home so we feel like we have some kind of control over what’s going on. Jeff: Yeah, exactly. Jerrad: But at the same time, if we’re going to be cooped up for a month together, maybe putting that off another week is not such a bad idea. Jeff: Right. Right, right, right. Don: A little peace and quiet for mom and dad, right? Jeff: Yeah. Don: Kind of give you guys an opportunity to catch up on life and just have a little one-on-one conversations. Jerrad: Yeah, yeah. We’ve only got two years before we’re going to be empty nesters again, or not again, be empty nesters for the first time. Maybe this next month will be a good taste of what’s coming. Jeff: Right. Well when you say that, we were talking on an earlier podcast about picking our emotions. It’s so important any time, but especially now because it is that glass is sort of half empty, half full on steroids right now, right, because you can look at the glass is half empty with all the news and all the… Turn on any station, but it’s also just emails that keep coming through. It’s like, “Oh, my gosh. Okay, we get it. Yeah, we get there’s something going on here that is really different that we need to address.” Jeff: Yeah, it’s just one of those things where we can look at that and go, “Oh…” Or we can sort of pick that emotion and let’s use the whole idea of joy, peace and joy, but joy. Actually maybe we need to get to peace before we get to joy, right, a little bit? Jerrad: Yeah. Jeff: So some peace and joy, and to pick that emotion is just, sometimes it’s easier to do that when it’s rainbows and sunshine and chirping birds and everything. You sort of have those pictures in your mind versus some of the things that again, they’re just different. Don: Nobody ever promised us it was going to be easy, and neither does the Lord promise it’s going to be easy. He warns us that we’ll go through storms and whatnot, which has made me think as far as you were concerned, Jerrad, I know when I met you at your church last year, I think you’re now a leader of a church, so what kind of feedback are you getting? Kind of two-sided question, are you getting pushback from people that are upset because church, I know they know it’s been done by the state of Iowa, you guys have to. I go to a large church also. We’re done. Don: What kind of things are going on with you guys at your particular church? What are your parishioners and people thinking? What are the comments you’re hearing at the church? Jerrad: It’s tough because even, you ask my wife or any of my kids, I’m kind of the eternal optimist. Don: Mm-hmm (affirmative). Jerrad: I usually have a pretty sunshiny outlook on most things, but that’s kind of really taken a beaten over the last few days. As far as from the church standpoint, I’m not an active member of the board anymore, but once an elder, always an elder. Don: Mm-hmm (affirmative). Jeff: Good thing or bad thing, right? Jerrad: Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I do head up the safety portion of the church as well, and I’m part of our emergency response team and stuff there. I’ve actually been pretty active in getting in touch with the church via email and stuff like that over the last week saying, “Hey, what’s our plan?” Don: Right. Jerrad: We’ve been having Wednesday night Lenten meals and stuff like that, and pretty big turnouts. As soon as we heard the whole 50 people or less in a gathering, I put another email out, “What are we planning on doing? Are we canceling this? What are we going to do for services?” Finally have heard that from here on out the meals have been suspended, and we are going to be doing live stream of our services on Sunday and stuff like that. Jeff: It’s a change of paradigm, right? I mean, it’s a whole mindset. The whole mindset just changes. Jerrad: It is. Because everybody likes that feeling of community and being together, if it is only once a week, but at the same time I’m hoping that we see some good out of it. For five or six years we’ve been talking about ways to reach people that we’re not reaching that aren’t sitting in the seats, and I’m hoping that by doing some streams and stuff like this that we might reach some people that are a little bit nervous about coming and putting their butts in one of the seats. Jeff: Yeah. Don: Amen. Jeff: And it’s like today, so we’re sitting here today, there are four of us in a room. I introduced Don and Jerrad. Jen is here with us too running some audio, and then Annie is actually joining us virtually by Zoom. So you know, we’re all here whether we’re… Jen’s not chatting a whole lot. She’s just smiling over here. Don: She’s running all the buttons. Jeff: Yeah, hitting all the buttons. Don:
30 minutes | a year ago
Quality friendships are relationships that are safe, not easily overwhelmed and encouraging. Join Terry and Travis as they encourage listeners on how to have those relationships in their lives. From loving, listening and talking without judgement to helping others find their source of pain, we hope you will be uplifted and encouraged by this podcast. Transcription of the Podcast Travis: They’re not just showing me the ugly side of their life. They’re also showing me some… If I just kind of root around in there, there’s a treasure in there that’s waiting to be found and every time I find it that person comes alive and is better than he ever was before. Speaker 2: (singing) Terry: Hi. Welcome back to the Journey Coaching Podcast where we care deeply about real and authentic relationships. This is Terry and I have sitting with me today, Travis Coulter. Travis, welcome. Travis: Hey, thank you. Glad to be here. Terry: Good. Glad to have you here. I was going to try to introduce you and say what you do, but I know you wear so many different hats. How about if you just kind of explain to the listeners what’s going on? Travis: Yeah, sure. So first off, I work at a local credit union here in the area and I am a commercial loan officer there as well as kind of part-time. I do construction management for that side of things. So in addition to that, I have a wife, five biological children and adopted daughter who just had a baby. So technically I’m a grandpa. Terry: Wow. Travis: And I also serve a network of house churches that we helped start here in the area. And I’m on several boards. So there’s a lot going on at any given point. Terry: You do wear a lot of hats. Travis: Yeah. I’m trying to get rid of a few of them. None of the kids or the wife or anything like that. Terry: I was going to say, now, wait a minute. You might want to be specific. Travis: Right. Yeah, absolutely. Terry: Well, one of the reasons that you… We talked about you coming in today and talking with our listeners, I think that the topic that we talked about doing today was coming alongside someone who’s hurting and has had tough circumstances. I guess you’ve had some experience with that. Travis: Yeah, a little bit. There used to be a joke when we were in college that I had a sign that was hanging around my neck that would say, hi, my name is Travis. Please tell me about the traumatic events that happened in your life. Terry: Oh my. Travis: Because I literally be going to school at Kirkwood and I’d sit down and talk with somebody. And sooner or later they be telling me about something that was going on in their life that was not very good. And I’d be getting involved way deeper than I ever planned on being. And I used to not like that because you can get into some pretty deep conversations with people pretty quickly, but over time it’s kind of become a thing where apparently people tell me that I’m good at walking alongside people who have difficult things going on in their life and just kind of helping them through that. And so I just thought maybe we’d talk a little bit about what that looks like and how to do that. And you know, one of the things just to kind of jump in, I have a good friend of mine who is fantastic. I mean he is what you would look for in a leader in any given situation. But when I first met him, he really had no place to live. He ended up living up in my attic when we first moved into our house and was living with me and just had a lot of different parts of his life that were just not quite as put together as maybe some of the rest of us would expect. And it was really cool over a season of years, just being his friend, talking through different things with him. How much growth kind of came in that relationship in his heart and even in mind to be quite honest with you, just by loving somebody who has things going on in their lives. I think that sometimes when we talk about coming alongside people with difficult paths or difficult histories, one of the things that we think that we need to have some sort of like really in depth education, be trained for it. And I work at a credit union. I’m not trained in any sort of like counseling or therapy or anything. And I’m certainly not qualified to be a therapist, but I’ve seen a lot of growth in people just by loving people where they’re at, so. Terry: Sure. How did that come to be? I know you said that when you were in school, people would come up to you. Is that where it started or what’s the history of that? Travis: I think so. I think that when we were… There was a season in my life where I lived in Kansas City and that’s really how I also became involved in starting house churches, which is how our house church network kind of came to be. But we were involved with a group of people who spent a lot of time… Actually, I’ll tell you a funny story. Probably one of the most quality relationships I have in my life is a guy that I met before I moved down to Kansas City who lived in Kansas City. His name was John. And John has a lot of cool qualities to him. But one of the things that he would do when we moved down to Kansas City, he actually lived there. We met him before we moved down there and then got his contact information. We moved down there and he lived across the street from me. And so we would go over to his house and every single time I would go over to his house, he would have this, I used to drink a lot of soda back in the day and he would have this glass of Coke poured for me. And I would come down and I would sit in his living room and I would tell him just about whatever was going on in my life. And there was nothing that you could tell John that wouldn’t shock him. There was no question that you could ask. There was literally, there was no rules, there was no boundaries. You could tell him whatever and he would just love you and talk to you about whatever it was you were going through. And so that was a really transformative thing, and in the midst of that I fell in with this group of people who were starting churches, kind of like what we do now and they really emphasize this one-on-one relationship, getting to know people. And so I got a lot of experience in the process, just kind of having people do it to me, right? There’s this old saying that I learned from an… I’ve been in Africa a couple of times and the first time I was there, this old man in a village one time said to me, “You can’t,” how did he put it? “You can’t give away what you don’t have.” Right? Terry: Right. Travis: And so I think a lot of it started with just different people who came along and invested in my life and would listen and just love me in all the places where I was messed up and didn’t have my life together and needed some encouragement or some advice or whatever. And they would just kind of sit there, listen, help me through things that I would normally panic through. And when I realized that it wasn’t so bad to talk to them, it just kind of became easier to do that with other people. Terry: Sure. You know, you use the term quality relationship. Travis: Yeah. Terry: For anybody who might be sitting out there on their couch listening to this, who doesn’t understand what that means, how do you define a quality relationship? Travis: Oh wow. So number one, you want to make sure that the relationship is safe, right? You want to make sure that the people that you’re pouring your heart out to can hold a secret and keep it. And I think it’s kind of become a running joke. So now I tell everybody. Everybody, whenever they first start to tell me something, they’re like, “You can’t tell everybody this.” I’m like, “I’m going to take a lot of secrets to my grave. It’s okay.” Terry: So safe in the sense, I mean obviously physically, but also emotional. Travis: Yeah. And that it’s somebody that, especially if you don’t want that whatever it is that you’re going to be talking about to get out, that you can tell that person, you know it’s not going to get out to everybody that you know. Terry: They’re going to hold your confidence. Travis: Absolutely. Absolutely. I also, I will… That’s really the safety part is the main one that I’m looking for. And you only find that out by developing a track record with people. Right? And so you’re only going to know if you have a safe person by kind of giving them little bits of information and seeing how safe they’re going to be with it. And then as you kind of figure that out, then you can know whether you can trust them with a little bit more, a little bit more. Terry: Right So looking at it from the perspective of the person who wants to help someone else, then that’s one of the first things they need to do is to consider how safe am I as a person? Can I keep confidences? Can I hear something that’s maybe tough and not share it with everybody? Travis: Yep. Yep. Absolutely. Now one of the other skills that you’re looking for and you just got to look for is can I tell this person something and it’s not going to overwhelm them or shock them? You know what I mean? I wouldn’t want, if you’ve got somebody that struggles with a particular things similar to you or you’ve got somebody that, oh, I don’t know, that just would… You wouldn’t want to talk about your kleptomania where you’re stealing things from people with somebody who is horribly shocked that you could ever steal something and wouldn’t want to talk with you again. Ri
20 minutes | a year ago
Relationship Workshop: Disagreements
On this episode of the podcast, Jeff and Terry host a mini relationship workshop focusing on disagreements within our relationships. In this workshop, you will learn that you get to choose your response to a disagreement. They also offer insight on how to choose a response when all you want to do is react. Transcription of the Podcast Jeff: Again, I’m looking out here at a beautiful blue sky. Now I can look at that blue sky and I can say a couple of things. I can say, “It is gorgeous out there, it’s a bright sunny day.” Or I can look at this flag waving in the background going, “Oh, I can tell by the direction that flag is waving, there is a cold north wind out there,” and I can pick, right? I can go, “Wow! I’m going to go outside and I’m going to freeze because it’s really cold out,” or I can go outside and go, “Wow! It’s a bright sunny day.” Jeff: (singing) Jeff: Hey, welcome back to another Journey Podcast and we are excited to talk about relationships today. In fact, we’re going to do a little relationship workshop because relationships are important. My name is Jeff. I’ve got Terry here. Terry is a licensed full-time counselor- Terry: Hi. Jeff: And deals with… Tell us a little bit about the sort of what you do during… What is your day job? You’re dealing with a lot of people walking in and they have some really deep weeds, relational stuff going on, right? Terry: Oh, yeah. I would say 90% of the time it’s a relationship workshop in my office. Jeff: Right. Terry: We’re working on different kinds of relationship issues that show up. We may have other things we’re talking about like addictions and affairs and things like that, but ultimately, it’s about relationships. It’s about that sticky icky kind of stuff that happens between two or more people. Jeff: Well, and the thing is for you and other counselors, the thing that I always sort of find interesting sitting back on the sidelines is that, and tell me if I’m off base on this, but a lot of people really wait and really get into a lot of hurt and a lot of struggle and it’s like, “Oh, what is the very last thing I can do on the planet to do… Oh, okay, I’ll go to a counselor.” Right? Terry: I had a couple come in one time years ago and one of them said… I asked what brought them here and they said, “Well, we sat down with a phone book,” how long has it been since we had phone books, right? Jeff: Yeah. Terry: They sat down with a phone book and they had one page open to counselors and they had one page open to divorce lawyers and they were trying to decide which page to look at. Jeff: Wow! Wow! Terry: It had gotten that far in their relationship. And so I think you’re right. I think in a lot of cases it gets to that point where we have tried everything we can possibly think of, nothing’s working, we either have to reach out for somebody or we have to break it off. Jeff: Right. Right. So the hope is here with the Journey, and there’s a lot of hopes that we have around Journey, but one of the hopes is that people will engage with these podcasts and that they can actually get some good counsel, although this isn’t counseling, this is coaching. But if we have people like you on the podcast, we can actually get some very good tips and some help to navigate some of these relational issues. Jeff: So yeah, let’s dive in here. And like I say, just sort of have this as a little mini relationship workshop here and talk to folks that hopefully aren’t in the deep weeds yet. So why don’t we start out, Terry, why really would we even want to address our relationships? Why would we want to be kind, gracious, to one another? After all, if I’m here and you’re there, why don’t we just go at each other and the last one standing wins? Terry: Well, yeah, you could try that. How’s that working for you? Jeff: Not real good, right. So… Terry: No, I think that’s the approach a lot of people have is they’re at such loggerheads by the time they walk in that there’s so much anger and there’s so much negativity and there’s so much… there’s just a lot of hurt underneath the anger. I tell people, I see anger as a secondary response, the secondary emotion. We don’t get angry usually unless we’re hurt and we feel somebody is responsible and those are the components that make us really, really angry. Terry: And then anger is a defense mechanism. It’s something we try to do to regain some of the power we feel like we’ve lost by being hurt. And so we get angry and it’s kind of like… One example I’ve used a lot of times, it’s just using anger, especially in a marriage or in a tight relationship, a good relationship, or a relationship you’re trying to make healthy, it’s kind of like using a hammer as the only tool in your toolbox. Jeff: Ouch! Terry: If you had to replace a light switch, would you grab the hammer? Jeff: Right, no. Terry: Well, no. You [crosstalk 00:04:45]- Jeff: Well, that’s right. Because I’m so terrible with tools I wouldn’t even know what to do with… But, yeah, right. You want to start- Terry: You want to start with a screwdriver- Jeff: Right, the right tool for that. Terry: You want to find another tool. A lot of times by the time people come into counseling they don’t have any other tools, the only tool they have in their toolbox is hammer. And that’s just not working. Jeff: Right. Right. And so healthy relationships, and let me just underline this here. We could just land on this and then just hit the pause button. But really healthy relationships are so important. If you’re not in one now, if you can think back to when you were and just the joy that comes from that and the energy that’s gathered versus the bucket draining-ness of unhealthy relationships, this is really important. Terry: Right. Jeff: Really important stuff. Terry: Well, and I think what happens a lot of times when two people, whether it’s a man and wife or whether it’s a brother and sister, it’s a parent and a child, when two people come in to talk about their relationship, a lot of times what I see is a lot of finger pointing. If he would just change, if she would just do something different, if he would just stop doing something, then this would be okay. And a lot of times I feel like one person is dragging another one in and they’re saying, “Here, change her, change him.” Terry: The reality is it takes two people to make this relationship work or not work. And it’s not just one thing or another, it really gets down to kind of what we’ve talked about is how do you talk to each other? Do you use that hammer of anger? Are you feeling justified in just being angry all the time? And how is that working for you? How’s that affecting the other person and how are you feeling? When you spend a lot of time being angry, I’ll just ask you back, “When you spend a lot of time angry, how do you feel? Energized or worn out?” Jeff: Right. Exactly. Well, and I think as you’re talking, it’s really easy and it always has been easy to avoid healthy relationships, right? It’s really, really easy to just be mad and move on kind of thing. And especially with social media, it’s made it a lot easier to just sort of get that jab out there. Terry: Right. Jeff: And so it seems like, and this is just what I found in my own life, is I’ve got to really put that relational piece as a priority and say, “Yeah, it really is worth the energy that it’s going to take to do this, but it is going to take some energy and it’s going to take some time.” Terry: Right. Well, you have to answer for yourself that question of, why do I even want to do that? Why not be angry? Why not be compassionate? At least I gain respect. If I’m angry, it feels like people are respecting me. But the reality is they’re not, they’re just avoiding you because you’re angry. Jeff: So what can you do if you’re angry, if someone’s angry consistently, but they don’t know how to change. That’s just their mindset, that’s just their life, right? They’re just an angry person. What are some tips there? Terry: Well, I think it depends a lot. If somebody comes into my office and that’s the situation, I have to do a lot of assessments. So the counselor in me just kind of do a little alarm thing that says, “Hey, we’re not going to be able to solve that here.” If somebody is as angry as you’re talking about, I really suggest that they find somebody to meet with, find a licensed counselor, a therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, whoever you want, but really sit down and say, “Hey, I am angry all the time and I don’t know what to do about it.” Jeff: So really it’s that conversation before the conversation that you’ve talked about in the past, right? To really kind of come to a point where you can sit down with somebody else and to start having some healthy conversations. Terry: Right. If somebody is just feeling angry a lot and it hasn’t gotten to that point, I guess my encouragement would be, do something about it now because it will get to that point. It becomes a habit and it becomes a way. Our brain has pathways to it and the more we do something, it’s like a muscl
21 minutes | a year ago
Negative Political Climate
The idea of 2 parties wrestling through politics isn’t a hard image to visualize. What is going on in the political sphere is creating this dichotomy of unrest in our nation with both parties seeing their own way as the only solution to the problems our nation is facing. In the face of a gloomy political climate, Jeff and Terry offer encouragement to those who are bombarded by the negatives. Transcription of the Podcast Jeff: If we’ve got an issue going on, if I’ve got a business issue and I have got a situation where there’s something I’ve got to solve, I bring people around the table and we sit down and we come up with solutions for that. Welcome to another Journey Podcast. Today we are going to take a deep dive into politics but in a way that’s maybe a little different because we all know that there is a huge, huge negative vibe out there. And what we want to do with this podcast in the midst of all this political unrest feuding, is really offer some encouragement to family and friends that may be on opposing sides to maybe offer encouragement to people that are just bombarded by the negatives that are going on. Jeff: So yeah, we’re going to do that today. We’ve actually got Terry Carlson here and Terry is a licensed full time counselor and we thought maybe that would be a good perspective to have because really we can draw some parallels between the whole political climate and sometimes in marriage where you have couples that are fighting. So we thought we try to draw some parallels there and- Terry: Oh yeah, definitely. Jeff: … some things. So welcome Terry. Terry: Hi. Well, and I think you’ve got a really good point there. It’s really difficult when family and friends are on opposing sides. I remember growing up my mom and dad would go voting and they always talked about canceling each other’s votes out because one would vote for one party and one would vote for the other, but they’d still go do it and they smile and laugh as they did that. But I think you’re right, I think there’s just a lot of negativity out there now. Jeff: Right, right. Well, and I think years ago we could almost smile and laugh about some of those things and I think it seems to have gotten to a level now where the tone is just so deeply negative that the hope is here that today we can offer a little bit of constructive and positive solutions and ideas for addressing some of these things. So yeah, why don’t we dive in? I think one of the things that we have to say is that oftentimes… And you tell me if this is on target off target or somewhere in the middle, but oftentimes we look at differences, but don’t we really need to look at what we have in common, whether you’re dealing with couples or whether we are trying to solve problems from a political standpoint. Terry: Absolutely. I think sometimes if you can get down to what do we have in common and what do we really want at core? I think a lot of times what happens is we fight over, we come up with a solution to the problems that we think are out there and we fight over or we argue over those solutions. This is the right solution, that’s the right solution. Jeff: Our individual solution. Right? Terry: Our individual solutions. Instead of coming together and trying to solve problems as a team and saying, “Hey, how do we identify the question, what’s the problem and can we agree on the nature of the problem first before we start talking about what possible solutions are out?” Jeff: And here’s what’s crazy, just as an example that I noticed during the last State of The Union Address, the call went out that lower drug prices… We need to get lower drug prices and half of the chamber was like, “Oh yeah, great.” They’re standing and cheering. The other half of the chamber was like, “Oh yeah, there’s sombering.” So I think it’s gone down to a level that we’re missing the underlying mission where in this case it was lower drug prices. So we all not get excited about who lower drug prices. That’s the thing that we have in common that we would all like. Well, I guess 99.9% except I guess if you’re on the receiving end of the drug company, but the vast majority, right? We want lower drug prices. So, is that sort of it trying to find that common point that we can look at, tune out all the noise and then go, “Oh, let’s get after this. Let’s get all about this solution to this problem.” Terry: Right. I think… But again, as I said before, I think it’s important to identify what’s the real issue, what’s the real problem underlying all of it. It may be like you said, lower drug prices. It may be something totally different and that may be the reasons why the other side didn’t really clap and cheer and all that stuff because they’re seeing the problem from a different lens. And I think just getting to that place where we talk about what’s the lens I’m seeing the problem through? How do I define the problem? When I’ve worked with couples in my office, a lot of times I’ll ask them, can you both agree on the problem, name the problem and make sure that you’re both agreeing on that first. The next step I have them do is brainstorm. I say, before you come up with a solution, I want you to brainstorm all the possible solutions out there. Don’t, don’t pick out one and say, this is my favorite solution. Just what are all the possible solutions? Terry: Sit down with a notepad and say, “Okay, well we could do this or we could do that or we could do this or somebody else could do this.” And list out all the different ones, even if they sound stupid when you say them. Don’t even go through trying to problem solve until you’ve listed all the different possible solutions. Once you’ve thought of the solutions, then start talking about each one of them and the pros and cons of each possible solution. Once you’ve done that, you can kind get to a place where you can vote on your favorite solutions. And a lot of times your number one, two and three are going to look different than my number one, two and three. But we may both agree on the two. “Hey, maybe we’ve got an actual solution that would work there to both of our satisfaction. Jeff: All right, right. How do you know when to… And now we’re talking about more of, again in family situations and so forth. How do you know when to speak up and when to keep your mouth shut? Terry: That’s a great question. When in doubt keep your mouth shut. Jeff: Oh, okay. Terry: I tell some of my couples too, God gave us two ears and one mouth and I think that means we’re supposed to listen twice as much as we speak. Jeff: Right? Right. Well, and to hear what the other person is saying. So for instance, when I’m talking with somebody, I try to seek their view and really get their heart on it. Where are they coming from? Terry: That’s a really good idea. Jeff: Because maybe their solution isn’t necessarily the solution I would have at first pass, but… And I’m thinking about somebody in particular when they’re talking about the whole healthcare thing. It’s like, “Well, he has a great heart for people. He really wants to help people.” So again, what can we find in common and how can we get to that common ground? Something also to point out here is sort of the… I guess it’s a perspective thing maybe. Terry: Sure. Jeff: Everybody’s vote matters. It really does, right? We live in a democracy and it’s really great that we can go out and we can cast a vote, but I think the perspective of matters here to that our votes are one out of millions and that matters, but what really matters, is your life and your one-on-one interactions with people. And so maybe we can dive into that a little bit here because there is a lot of armchair quarterback and if you compare it to sports, we all have our teams, right? Let’s go Iowa, go Cyclones, go Hawks. But at the end of the day, we’re not playing in that game. We’re just cheering them on. And so like the political arena, we can cheer on our favorite politician, but we kind of step back from armchair quarterbacking and look ourselves in the mirror and say, “What can I do? What can I do?” For instance, talk about human rights things or homelessness or whatever. Jeff: “What can I do for instance, in terms of homelessness? Where can I get involved?” And I think that’s something that perspective thing, there’s just… And let me just toss this out and see if you agree or disagree Terry. But I just see a lot of lost human potential armchair quarterbacking where we could take that energy and oftentimes very deep energy and really go out and do something with that. So, another question that comes up here is, what do you do when you feel strongly that how someone else votes can negatively affect the direction of the country? You’re passionate about this issue and you’re talking to someone and you’re like, “Oh, why are they…” They’re not getting it. They’re just not getting it. Terry: Right. No. I think the question you just asked, it really gets to the heart of why the political climate is such a terrible thing for most people. A lot of people are… You’re sweating this, this is huge. There’s this really, really strong feeling that if you vote the wrong direction and if enough of you’s out there vote the wrong direction, then my country
30 minutes | a year ago
Encouragement for the Business Owner Who Want to Share Their Faith at Work
Have you stopped to think about the legacy you are creating? Part of the legacy that we are leaving is how we talk about God in the environments that we are in the most. Today on the podcast, Jeff, Don, Doug and Sarah offer encouragement to business leaders who want to share their faith at work but aren’t sure where to start. Transcription of the Podcast Doug: It’s not about that. And that’s the sad thing is that getting people to have this grand understanding that it’s not about what we have here today. It’s not about what we have five years from now. It’s about the legacy that you’re creating and where you are going to be when all of this is over with. Speaker 2: Your life, your journey starts now. Doug: My name’s Doug Wagner, your guest host for this edition of the podcast, sitting with Jeff Carlson. Jeff, good afternoon. Jeff: Good afternoon. Doug: Thanks for allowing me to take this chair. Jeff: Thank you for just jumping into that chair. Doug: This is a wonderful idea. Don Evans along with us as well. One of the most fabulous voices I’ve ever heard. Don. Don: How you’re doing today, Doug? Doug: Wonderful. Don: Glad to be here, which I hope to learn some stuff. Doug: Could you say the alphabet to me? Don: A, B, C, D, E, F, G. Doug: And that’s the show, right there. That’s all it is. And Sarah Banowetz, whose studios we’re in, Banowetz Marketing and Communications. Thanks for freeing up your studios. Sarah: Thanks for being here. Doug: Well, okay, it’s something, especially this time of year when we get toward the big game, you have national championship games. March Madness is right around the corner. You have lots of athletes. You’re going out there and these athletes at the end of the game, they say, “Well, first of all, I want to thank my Lord and savior, Jesus Christ for helping me become the person that I am today.” And you get a lot of people kind of look funny at them. They used to look more funny at them until Tim Tebow came along. Don: Amen. Doug: Saw somebody who is really kind of the real deal. The question that we’re dealing with in this podcast today is, what if you took that same passion for Christ and you transferred it into a boardroom or into a business setting? Now, we were talking before about being at a conference where you had a number of people up on stage talking about what makes their company special or different, things like that. And the one thing that didn’t come up, Jeff, was… Jeff: The whole spiritual part, because I was really looking forward to this. This was a conference. It was about a very short compressed like hour and a half. Doug: Right, right. Jeff: It had all these- Doug: Panel talk. Jeff: Yeah, panel talk. All of these successful business people and I’m like, “Oh, this’ll be great.” We get to the end and there’s like zero mention of anyone’s faith or their spiritual walk or anything like that. And I’m like, “Well, somebody’s got to have something there.” Doug: Do you think it’s absent from what their life is or do you think it’s just something they may be scared of saying? Jeff: My sense is, it is something that people are just scared of. We don’t all have the spiritual gift of evangelism, like Sarah, so. But even beyond that, I think sometimes, there’s just so much noise out there on social media and people get attacked. And so, I think some of us, we just maybe get scared. Doug: Right. Don: Could be some men kind of feel inferior over it and just don’t want to… It’s been rough for me being a roughneck to lean into that based on all the people that I grew up with and around. They’re like, “What do you mean, Don’s going all this Jesus thing now.” And I get that a lot and I’m like, “Yeah, well, it’s pretty cool. You ought to try it.” Sarah: Wait, what do you mean by inferior though? Doug: Yeah, that’s what I was going to ask you. Explain what you mean. Don: Confidence. Doug: They feel that you’re inferior? Don: No. I think we do. I think we are afraid. When I first started being very public about my Christianity, even as forward as I am, I struggled with it, Doug. I mean, I just like, yeah, I don’t want to tell everybody. I mean, it’s just going to shock the whole world. But once you do it for a little bit, it’s like anything. It’d be like we talked about this morning. Now, it’s just become a habit. So now, I’m codependent on Jesus. I think that’s pretty cool. Doug: That’s not a bad spot to be. Don: Yeah, I think we’re good with that, right? Doug: Exactly. Sarah, what are the two things that we’re taught not to talk about in polite company? Sarah: Politics and religion. Doug: Okay. You think that might be part of it and it’s just being, that’s polite company at that point? Or is there, I mean, is there a place in the corporate environment for maybe evangelism or sharing one’s belief in Christ? Sarah: I think people might, business owners might be concerned that they will get sued too, in our day and age. I don’t think anyone really knows what the rules are. There is that talk about the separation of church and government, and we use that in schools. And how does that translate into the working world? I mean… Doug: Yeah. Sarah: Yeah. Doug: Legally, I mean, that’s a completely different proposition. It’s that whole concept of the first amendment as freedom of religion, not freedom from religion. I think so many people have interpreted it as it’s freedom from religion. So, they think everywhere they go, they could be free from somebody pushing it on them. But in a corporate environment, have you been around people who have said, “Hey, let’s take the opportunity to have a moment in prayer?” Or even something as benign as, “A moment of reflection so we can open up our minds and our hearts to what we’re doing today.” Have you ever been in a situation like that, Sarah? Sarah: I have done that at Banowetz Marketing. Doug: Okay. Sarah: I also know that… I’m part of EntreLeadership, which is Dave Ramsey’s business leadership program. And I know that at- Doug: Never heard of him. Sarah: I know that- Jeff: He’s on your station, man. Sarah: I know that Dave Ramsey does that with his company. Doug: Oh, that guy, he’s going places. Jeff: Yeah, right. Sarah: But otherwise, I don’t really have experience with that. Doug: For you, Jeff, what about you? You can maybe… And I know where you stand personally, but have you been in environments where it’s available, it’s an opening? Jeff: Other than my own business that I’ve… This’ll be our 28th year. We’ve certainly incorporated, very intentionally, being open to God’s leading with the people that work there, and even some outreach things. In fact, a few years ago, I don’t know if you’re familiar with Andy Stanley, but he’s got some very good teaching. And we actually invited people in to listen to some of his little teaching segments, so. But no, other than the company I own and run, no, I haven’t. Sarah: Well, have you? I mean… Doug: Yes. Sarah: Okay. Doug: Oh, yes, definitely. There’s a couple of different areas, in fact. As a leader of a nonprofit housing agency, I was… One of the things we did is, we had that act of prayer. But in addition to that, go into places where people had moved out or people were going to move in, pray for the people who left, pray for the people who came in, and this was something that was very reflective. Don, wanted to come back to you real quick because this is something where I worked with what you called yourself. I worked with roughnecks when I worked at an affordable housing agency. It took a while of seeing that, but what your experience was in corporate farming, was that a place where it was welcome at all or- Don: No. Doug: It was not something- Don: When I was in corporate America, in the agriculture business, all through the ’80s, ’90s and even the 2. The last go around with that was in 2012. There was nothing involved with any prayer of any kind there, just excessive amounts of drinking after work. It was horrible. If you even mentioned the word Jesus around there, you got the deer in the headlights look. Doug: Exactly. Well, the only way somebody would is that, “Oh, Jesus, I’ve got a headache.” And that’s when they came, from the hangover the next day. So, how do we do something about them? Is it something that we should be doing something about, is finding a way to bring spirituality into the boardroom, into the business environment? Or is it just a matter, Jeff, of saying, “I’m going to be an example for what Jesus can do in my life and by living that example, people can see it.” Jeff: Oh, yeah, that’s a great question. So, one of the things that I have drawn a line on is, we do not want to use Jesus to sell cars. I’m in the car business. Because I think too oftentimes then, in these kind of settings, we sort of put our faith out there and we wear it on our sleeve. And it’s like, “Well, gee, I am a good person. I’m a Christian. See? I’ve got my Jesus fish on the wall. Buy from me.” And I thi
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