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When you are triggered, you usually have to set a boundary. Setting a boundary is typically done in one of two ways. One is by withdrawal, and the other is through anger. Both are reactive, not proactive.  Setting a boundary when you are triggered is a reaction. Learning how to set boundaries healthily is knowing what you want and why. having a clear understanding of your needs and wants and presenting them in a non-shaming proactive, not a reactive way.  - Website: https://joeryan.com  -  Instagram: https://instagram.com/joeryan   - Support This Podcast: https://joeryan.com/support --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/joeryan/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/joeryan/support

We internalized happiness and success based on what society tells us it should be, not based on our internal moral compass. Our sole purpose has become to portray the image of an illusion that does not exist. Conform and be accepted or be authentic and be shammed.  - 2020 Trauma Sumit,  December 27 - 30, 2020  - Website: https://joeryan.com  -  Instagram: https://instagram.com/joeryan   - Support This Podcast: https://joeryan.com/support --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/joeryan/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/joeryan/support

Today I Answer Your Questions. We Cover Fitting In Vs. Belonging To Self, Sitting With The Feelings Vs. Feeling Sorry For Yourself, And How Do I Reveal My Trauma In New Relationships. - 2020 Trauma Sumit,  December 27 - 30, 2020  - Website: https://joeryan.com  -  Instagram: https://instagram.com/joeryan   - Support This Podcast: https://joeryan.com/support --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/joeryan/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/joeryan/support

Emotional Separation Involves Unbonding and Grieving, Where the Process of Growth and Transformation Meet Loss. The Disengaging of Patterns and Roles That Have Held You Emotionally Captive to Beliefs That Were Never Your Own We were never taught healthy separation or how to separate at all. You grow up in an enmeshed family system, and there is no leaving. There is no separating, it's conformity. We all must conform to the system's rules, or else you will be shamed and abused into line.  You must become what the system deems acceptable. There is no individuality; you do not stand alone; you do not have your self-identity or self-worth. Your value, your worth, everything you are is based on how the system views you, not on how you view yourself. Separating from that system is going against everything you've ever known, everything you've ever been taught.  Separation from your role and the role within the system is leaving home emotionally. Finding value within yourself and feeling the freedom to live a life based on how you feel, not how others need you to be. - 2020 Trauma Sumit,  December 27 - 30, 2020  - Website: https://joeryan.com  -  Instagram: https://instagram.com/joeryan   - Support This Podcast: https://joeryan.com/support --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/joeryan/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/joeryan/support

Don't waste any more energy maintaining an image that isn't real. Make peace with your loneliness; make peace with your sadness. stop running and own your reality It is incredibly lonely removing everything that moved you away from your pain. Not heal your pain, but moving you further away from it. That leaves you alone with yourself, and when you hate yourself, you're the last person you want to be alone with. Uncover your blind spots, see what your motivations are and why. Look at yourself from a realistic point of view. Stop using false impressions as a way of avoiding your loneliness; use that energy to find the real you. You are the only one that is going to heal you. Nothing outside yourself will take away your pain. External validation is a temporary fix. You have the capability, the power, and the strength to heal yourself.  - Website: https://joeryan.com  -  Instagram: https://instagram.com/joeryan   - Support This Podcast: https://joeryan.com/support --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/joeryan/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/joeryan/support

Blind Spots Cause Unknown, Uncontrollable Reactions, And Behaviors We Are Are Unable To Recognize As A Way Of Protecting Us Subconsciously From The Feelings Of Pain The blind spot is in place to sidestep doing the original pain work by avoiding the feelings that were too overwhelming for us to experience when the traumatic events happened. We discover blind spots by peeling away layers of defense implanted by our subconscious to protect us from parts of us that have been cut off and have not entirely been experienced and felt yet. We must feel these feelings at the core, fully absorb, and process them to eliminate the blind spots so we can respond in the present and not react from the past.  - Website: https://joeryan.com  -  Instagram: https://instagram.com/joeryan   - Support This Podcast: https://joeryan.com/support --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/joeryan/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/joeryan/support

When two people fall in love, it's equivalent to an emotional child born; the relationship has infancy needs. The connection needs to be cared for and nurtured as you would a child. It needs love, attention, affection, and nurturing. As with all children, there is a separation that needs to take place. We come together as one for the relationship. Then we communicate about separation and individuality, so we can still grow individually while staying connected as we grow together. We want to meet the needs of the individuals and the needs of the relationship as a whole. Not having trust in the separation process creates fear that will manifest itself in codependency. Here starts the intimacy dance as two people try to hold on to their individually, keep a sense of themselves while maintaining the intimacy growing between them. We do this through Vulnerability  - Website: https://joeryan.com  -  Instagram: https://instagram.com/joeryan   - Support This Podcast: https://joeryan.com/support --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/joeryan/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/joeryan/support

Living without pain can feel more frightening than living with it. The struggle became a part of our identity, and we don't know who we are without it. We are uncomfortable feeling comfortable and run to fill that space with something familiar, welcome back self-sabotage. Put life on pause, and sit within the space. It does not need to be filled; fight the urge to fill it. Teach your body and mind that you are okay with being free of fear. It takes time to get comfortable without something that has been such a big part of our life, even if that 'something' is painful. When we know that we are no longer controlled by fear, we realize we are free to choose the life we want.  - Website: https://joeryan.com  -  Instagram: https://instagram.com/joeryan   - Support This Podcast: https://joeryan.com/support --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/joeryan/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/joeryan/support

Today I answered a couple of questions I receive often. "Where do I start" and "are we ever fully recovered." We start by getting quiet within ourselves and paying attention to what feelings arise. We do not attach to them; we pay attention to the dialog between our thoughts and emotions, and where they lead. Its the equivalent to watching two people argue as opposed to getting involved in the argument. When we don't attach to the thoughts and feelings, we have more clarity to see what the dialog is telling us. Do we ever fully recover, no. The depth of the human soul is limitless; we never fully arrive. Growth is always possible. It's not just about growing through the pain; its also about entering into joy.  - Website: https://joeryan.com  -  Instagram: https://instagram.com/joeryan   - Support This Podcast: https://joeryan.com/support --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/joeryan/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/joeryan/support

There are so many different layers to this work. As we learn how to peel away layers of defensiveness, layers of protection, layers of hiding, and layers of fear. As we peel away the layers, the closer to the shame we get. The pain gets stored away inside of us, and we adapt. We don't learn how to adjust our psyche does it for us, so we never experience that pain again, it just happens. The further we go down, the more difficult it becomes because we're getting closer to the original pain, closer to the place where it all started the birthplace of the layers and the defensiveness. It was so painful, humiliating, degrading, and shameful that we couldn't handle the feelings and emotions. Now we slowly have to go back to that place and uncover the unconscious defenses that were put in place to protect us. We are not those helpless children anymore; we don't need those defenses that keep us from living the life we were born to live.  - Website: https://joeryan.com  -  Instagram: https://instagram.com/joeryan   - Support This Podcast: https://joeryan.com/support --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/joeryan/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/joeryan/support

Joe Ryan dives into the family system today on It’s Not You; It’s Your Trauma, and specifically the circle you are born into--where everyone in the family shares their emotions. Sounds simple...but it’s not. In a dysfunctional family dynamic, the shame is off the charts. Most members of the family will battle with feeling shameful, but the one who feels shameless controls the emotions the rest of the family feels.  You’ve heard of the scapegoat. In a shame-filled unit, the scapegoat doesn’t feel free to feel. They struggle with shame in everything they do and every way they feel. They don’t get to feel justified in their anger, sadness, depression, and even feelings of sexuality, because everything is covered in shame. In Joe’s case, that led to addiction, and eventual separation from the circle so he could be the person he needed to be without being a people pleaser. Takeaways from It’s Not You; It’s Your Trauma: 1 - Joe explains why the shame cycle and dynamic exists and how to get free of it.   2 - He talks about the prospect of separating from your circle and when it might be time to make a break.  3 - You’ll learn how to recognize if you are giving yourself shame-filled messages. You can’t think your way out of shame. You can’t outfox it. You can’t deny it. You have to address it and figure out the best solution for you. It’s exhausting being denied emotions--being allowed only a certain level of happiness based on the person controlling the rest of the people in the circle. It’s damaging, feeling like you have to fight to be heard. And it’s so unhealthy. Are you in the place where you can leave judgment behind once and for all? Well, here’s a bright spot. If you leave your family, it doesn’t mean it’s forever. It might be just long enough to find yourself, and stand on your own, so you are strong enough to reject the usual dynamics that want to tear you down.  Leaving for Joe, meant he got himself back. He could feel again and no one was going to tell him what he should or shouldn’t care about.  You’re ready to feel all the feelings. It’s what you’ve wanted. This episode of It’s Not You; It’s Your Trauma puts you on the right track to finally healing those genetic elements you haven’t known how to handle. Is this your first step to reclaiming your life? It just might be. Tune in every week to the It’s Not You; It’s Your Trauma: A Trauma, PTSD, Abuse, Anxiety & Recovery podcast. Listen in wherever podcasts are available and make sure to follow Joe on Instagram @joeryan. He’d dig it if you’d leave him a review on iTunes, too. We’ll see you next week to face your feelings and move from surviving to thriving and into the ultimate goal: teaching. Thanks for listening. And remember if you’re struggling, It’s Not You; It’s Your Trauma.   - Website: https://joeryan.com  -  Instagram: https://instagram.com/joeryan   - Support This Podcast: https://joeryan.com/support --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/joeryan/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/joeryan/support

It is not a child's responsibility to fill a parent's needs. When parents bring a child into this world, it is the parents' responsibility to fill the child up with its basic narcissistic needs. To give the child a foundation of self-love to build upon. The child needs to feel that the parent is there for them and not the other way around.  You should have been giving their blessing to go out in the world and find out who you are, where you belong, and who you were born to be. That's not the message we received. The message we received was, don't leave me, you're responsible for my feelings, my happiness, please keep a shiny, glossy, perfect facade for the world to see so that I don't feel my shame. When your basic narcissistic needs weren't met in infancy, your worth and value would be determined by how you feel others perceive you. Self-parenting yourself how you needed to be parented will tap the source of your self-worth.  - Website: https://joeryan.com  -  Instagram: https://instagram.com/joeryan   - Support This Podcast: https://joeryan.com/support --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/joeryan/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/joeryan/support

We have a massive amount of stigmas in this world based on wealth, status, and looks. We spend our precious energy, creating a facade, an appearance that looks impeccable to the world, a false self.  A big part of recovery is overcoming stigmas and eliminating our negative dialog, accepting ourselves based on how we feel about ourselves, not on how we perceive the world is seeing us.  We don't value heart, soul, integrity, truth, and honesty, which makes it is so hard for people to come out of hiding. To show, love, and accept the parts of themselves that they feel are unacceptable due to the stigmas of their family and society systems.  People bury those parts of themselves, deep, and go so far in the other direction so that nobody ever looks at them,  nobody can ever see them, and nobody can know that there.   - Website: https://joeryan.com   Instagram: https://instagram.com/joeryan   Support This Podcast: https://joeryan.com/support --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/joeryan/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/joeryan/support

The judgment that we had felt, the pressure and the demands to become what somebody else needed us to be so that they didn't feel anything uncomfortable, they didn't feel judgment any ridicule any self-doubt. Becoming what they needed us to be so that they felt adored and loved. We ended putting those same demands on ourselves, we take that narcissistic power that we've experienced, and we point that power against ourselves. We are still trying to become what they wanted us to be; that was the only way we were lovable. Anything short of that perfection others were seeking, and we feel like we have failed ourselves. Enter self-hate and self-doubt.  There are tapes of negativity, judgment, and shame that we have adopted that run in our subconscious on an endless look telling us that we are not good enough and not worthy of love and acceptance for who we are. These tapes become our identity, and most of us don't even know that they are there. We see ourselves through the words, sights, beliefs, and feelings or another; we believe that it is our vision of ourselves when it's the narcissist within us  - Website: https://joeryan.com   Instagram: https://instagram.com/joeryan   Support This Podcast: https://joeryan.com/support --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/joeryan/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/joeryan/support

We deal with many sigmas, and suicide is very close to the top of the list. There are few open discussions about it, which makes those who have the thoughts feel more alone and ashamed for having them. This episode deals with suicide, suicidal thoughts, and suicidal feelings. If you are not in a place to hear about this topic, are having suicidal thoughts, don’t listen and call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline  1-800-273-8255 https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org  - Website: https://joeryan.com   Instagram: https://instagram.com/joeryan   Support This Podcast: https://joeryan.com/support --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/joeryan/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/joeryan/support

What is the payoff in doing all this original pain work, going into your pain, trauma, and darkness? Is there a payoff? Yeah, there is. We do this work in layers. We take what's disturbing the peace within us and start to look at that first. We slowly process the pain and fear. We learn to accept and own it by feeling it. Once processed and released, we are emotionally lighter now that we have reclaimed space within us where pain once resided.  Within this space is where we create our life our way. You can now choose to fill this space with creativity, productivity, competency, and joy. Then it's on to the next layer, and the process repeats. Walk into your fear, feel it absorb it, process it, and be done with it. Then get out there and start living your life your way. Website: https://joeryan.com  Instagram: https://instagram.com/joeryan  Support This Podcast: https://joeryan.com/support --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/joeryan/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/joeryan/support

We don't have the energy or desire to pretend anymore, but who are we, if we're not acting and being in roles to cover up where we feel inadequate. We will find this out as we let go of who we need to be and start being who we were born to be. How do we accomplish this? First, we must acknowledge and identify that we are playing a role, a role that was necessary for survival. That we no longer need to play this part, as it no longer serves us, that we can not only survive but will thrive as we shed it. We will have to self validate as when we stop playing these roles; we will enter into the fear that we have been avoiding. The fear of disappointment, anger, embarrassment, and abandonment. You will feel the resistance of others around you as they depend on you to be that mirror of reflection that they need. It's no longer about what they needed you to be, it's now time for you to be who you know you are deep down below the role, below, the hurt, below the embarrassment, below the fear. Its time to start serving yourself, your recovery is not about anyone else but you. You are now there for yourself first. Then and only then can you be there for someone else. The difference is that now it will be your choice who you choose to be there for and how. Website: https://joeryan.com  Instagram: https://instagram.com/joeryan  Support This Podcast: https://joeryan.com/support --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/joeryan/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/joeryan/support

Original pain work is the most challenging work you're ever going to do. You can read as many books as you want. You can listen to as many audiobooks, you can listen to as many podcasts, over and over on an endless loop, it is comforting, it does feel good when you hear somebody that speaks words that you needed to hear, you feel understood, somebody finally gets you. And there's a comfort in reading those words and hearing that voice say them, but it's never going to remove unwanted feelings altogether.  Sitting with painful feelings and re-experiencing them, teaching ourselves that we can handle them is the way out of your pain and the path to joy. Website: https://joeryan.com  Instagram: https://instagram.com/joeryan  Support This Podcast: https://joeryan.com/support --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/joeryan/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/joeryan/support

Anger can set boundaries and set limits. Anger is your protection. Emotions are energy in motion, and anger has powerful energy behind it. When you fear other people's anger and you fear experiencing your anger, you have no self-protection. Not only do we not have our protection, but we also take that unexpressed anger, all that hate, and all that rage, and we turn it upon ourselves. We end up hating ourselves. It was a survival instinct; at that age, no child can survive on their own. It was an unconscious choice, better to self abandon, then to have been abandoned by our source caretakers by expressing unwanted emotions. If you want to stop self-hating, you will need to get in touch with your anger and learn how to experience and express it in a healthy way. Website: https://joeryan.com  Instagram: https://instagram.com/joeryan  Support This Podcast: https://joeryan.com/support --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/joeryan/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/joeryan/support

We Stay stuck by numbing out. We have found ways to live our life where we avoid any resistance or bad feelings. We are stuck in limbo complaining about others. All that energy and time wasted could be better well spent owing up to who you are and how you feel about yourself. It's time to own up to the things we don't like about ourselves. Its extremely difficult to be vulnerable, to experience the traits and feelings you don't like and or accept within yourself, to explore the darkness within you. You can't genuinely allow another in until you let yourself in first. Getting to know who you are, walking through those fears, embracing the parts of you that you hide, that you don't like, that you despise, that wasn't accepted, that's where freedom is. These are the places you need to go. You can go there, and you can become comfortable with the parts of you that weren't loved, the parts of you that you hate within yourself. You don't have to hide from them anymore. You don't have to protect them from the world.  By owing and incorporating the parts of you that you cut off, bringing the light and darkness together to live as one within you, peace will find you. Website: https://joeryan.com  Instagram: https://instagram.com/joeryan  Support This Podcast: https://joeryan.com/support --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/joeryan/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/joeryan/support