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What can we do to help make the world we live in a more consensual place? How can we reduce the immense damage suffered by humans daily? Sar Surmick, the marriage and family counsellor who was the director of the Consent Academy for quite a while and still teaches with them joins us today to chat about ideas. Let’s try to pick one thing that sounds doable to us and try to practice it in our lives together. --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/intimate-interactions/message

Tillie is back to talk about working from home as a chronically ill person during a pandemic. The more stuff changes, the more it stays the same. Content warning for chatting about no longer feeling suicidal. For all my chronically ill fam out there, we love; keep going. For all you folks working from home like me, two things: we’re a lucky bunch to be able to support ourselves while the economy is so messed up, and many of us living without space for an office are struggling to come up with original solutions. I currently work out of a curtain surround in my dining room. It’s functional. Stay mentally well out there as best you can. We’re stronger together. I hope the session is helpful. --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/intimate-interactions/message

Last session with Matt Sinkovitz, we talked about his story and I gave some examples from literature about my position around pornography abstinence. Since I did my degree in molecular genetics and not sex research, I first looked up journal impact factors which is how you can tell how important a given scientific publication is. The average journal is below 1, a good journal is anything over 3 but it depends on the discipline, how popular it is, how many journals there are, etcetera. And the gold standard for excellence is anything over 10. As a brief recap, I cited the Archive of Sexual Behaviour (JIF 3.458) where Zimmer and Imhoff in 2020 wrote this article, Abstinence from Masturbation and Hypersexuality. It states a “lack of evidence for negative health effects of masturbation” stemming from “perceived problems with pornography” and “from a psychological and behavioural addiction” where addiction is in quotation marks. It stresses that “higher abstinence motivation was related to a higher perceived impact of masturbation, conservatism, and religiosity, and to lower trust in science.” I also looked up relationship quality and pornography use. Here’s what I found. According to the paper “Is the Link Between Pornography Use and Relational Happiness Really More About Masturbation? Results From Two National Surveys” https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/00224499.2018.1556772 (2019) They say quote “Numerous studies have observed a persistent and most often negative association between pornography use and romantic relationship quality.” It goes on to say quote “Controls are included for sex frequency and satisfaction, depressive symptoms, and other relevant correlates. Results from both the 2012 New Family Structures Study (NFSS; N = 1,977) and the 2014 Relationships in America survey (RIA; Ng = 10,106) show that masturbation is negatively associated with relational happiness for men and women, while pornography use is either unassociated or becomes unassociated with relational happiness once masturbation is included. Indeed, evidence points to a slight positive association between pornography use and relational happiness once masturbation and gender differences are accounted for…” Further, pornography use definitely doesn’t seem to be a problem in women according to “Effects of Pornography Use and Demographic Parameters on Sexual Response during Masturbation and Partnered Sex in Women” published in the International Journal of Environment Research and Public Health (impact factor 3.39) https://www.mdpi.com/1660-4601/17/9/3130 So just because someone has a psychological compulsion to drink water or to exercise too much doesn’t mean we shouldn’t do those things. In fact people have literally died drinking too much water - something called water intoxication. Tragic link in the show notes. https://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/world/drank-too-much-water-woman-dies/article1069137/ However if you were a person who had a compulsion to drink water, you’d probably want a support group for that, and that’s what Matt Sinkovitz does - not water intoxication but pornography compulsion and pornography abstinence. Quick sidebar again: I didn’t want to throw him off as this was the second session that we recorded during our first ever chat. As a result, I didn’t correct him when he used he/him pronouns for me and it was weird but not bad. He was great afterwards when I mentioned it to him, and for the record he seems super nice. In fact I left in the conversation at the end of the episode because it felt wholesome and I thought you’d appreciate it. --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/intimate-interactions/message

If we know what consent is and how to do it, why is it so hard for so many? Does what I think consent is match what you think consent is? If not, why not? How does this impact how we negotiate our agreements, and how can we get a little better? Marriage and family counsellor Sar Surmick joins us today to chat about how his time leading the Consent Academy and now teaching for them impacts those questions. Let’s see what answers Sar has for us here on Intimate Interactions. --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/intimate-interactions/message

Matt Sinkovitz overcame a 20+ year long compulsive relationship with porn, and helps similar men do the same through his online Facebook support community, ‘Porn to Purpose’, and the ‘90-Day Liberation Boot Camp’, as well as the ‘7-Day Porn Abstinence Challenge’. First, Matt’s a really nice guy. I enjoyed our talks even though I’m strictly evidence based and Matt is far more experiential in how he approaches helping. According to a paper published in the Archive of Sexual Behaviour (JIF 3.458) by Zimmer and Imhoff published in 2020 called Abstinence from Masturbation and Hypersexuality, there is a “lack of evidence for negative health effects of masturbation” end quote where they suggest these stem from “perceived problems with pornography” end quote as well as notion these perceived problems “[stem] from a psychological and behavioral addiction” end quote where the word addiction is used in quotation marks in the paper. Here’s the crux: the same paper goes on to say “higher abstinence motivation was related to a higher perceived impact of masturbation, conservatism, and religiosity, and to lower trust in science.” end quote Again, that was Abstinence from Masturbation and Hypersexuality published by Zimmer and Imhoff in the Archive of Sexual Behaviour in 2020. Link to the article in the show notes. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7145784/ That basically summarises my perspective on it. Addiction in quotations where higher abstinence motivation is related to higher perceived impact of masturbation, related to conservatism, related to religiosity, and related to lower trust in science. The biggest argument they seem to struggle with is whether or not abstinence in men is healthy. This depends on a lot including the length of abstinence, and I’m not a doctor. However I did look up a paper. In “Sexual factors and prostate cancer” by Giles et al. published in the British Journal of Urology (JIF 5.588), men under 70 at diagnosis with prostate cancer as well as aged matched control subjects who did not have prostate cancer were asked about their masturbation habits each decade of their life. “There was no association of prostate cancer with the number of sexual partners or with the maximum number of ejaculations in 24 hours. There was a negative trend (P < 0.01) for the association between risk and number of ejaculations in the third decade, independent of those in the fourth and fifth. Men who averaged five or more ejaculations weekly in their 20s had an odds ratio (95% confidence interval) of 0.66 (0.49-0.87) compared to those who ejaculated less often.” https://bjui-journals.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1046/j.1464-410X.2003.04319.x Those types of studies provide moderately strong evidence that if you get off at least five times a week in your 20s already, you may be the kind of person who is less likely to get prostate cancer than those who got off less than that during their 20s. It makes no claims about masturbation in one’s 30s or 40s. All it all it seems prudent to ejaculate regularly if you have a penis and are in your 20s. --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/intimate-interactions/message

Today, Robin Beach from sexwithrobin.com talks metamours. She’s a sex educator, radio host, former stripper, former dominatrix, and current mom. How do you relate to the partners of your partners? Is it like sibling rivalry? What does it mean if love is unlimited but time isn’t? --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/intimate-interactions/message

As I do more research on psychedelic substances and wait for the winter to end to progress off my SSRIs before I experiment further with them, I thought it would be fun to interview people on their experiences of psychedelics. Alex Owens is back today to share some stories of their experiences of psychedelia. Again, neither of us are experts or doctors. This is not medical advice. Please do your own research. My nonchalant opinions of serotonin syndrome and my risk to it should not be your default position. Serotonin syndrome can be life threatening in the worst cases. There can be drug interactions between SSRIs and psilocybin. I encourage you to ask your doctor and/or reach out to responsible psychedelic use organizations online. Also, for expectation setting, the ego death experience on mushrooms Alex discusses involved a tab of acid as well. Here’s a link to Mind Foundation: https://mind-foundation.org/psychedelic-antidepressant-interactions/ Here’s a link to Alex Owens’ VIP OnlyFans https://onlyfans.com/heyalexowensvip/media --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/intimate-interactions/message

As a twice diagnosed ADHD person, I adopt the social model of disability where rather than see a person as disabled for having a different human experience, I view the centering of certain types of people in society and the construction of society around that supposedly ideal person to be the thing that is disabling. ADHD can cause horrific executive dysfunction and can absolutely be a detriment, especially when you consider Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, a deeply upsetting experience similar to social anxiety. This is to say nothing of the actual social stigma. So there’s the social piece: there’s social stigma around having ADHD. According to WebMD, children with ADHD receive about 20,000 additional negative messages about themselves, something sure to impact self esteem. It’s no surprise then that embarrassment and rejection sensitive dysphoria happen. Today we’ll be talking with someone who does not have ADHD as I figured it would be a better introduction on the topic than two people with ADHD though that episode is surely coming. Thanks for seeing me and being with me along for my journey of self discovery here on Intimate Interactions. --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/intimate-interactions/message

When you’re not talking about sex, how do you negotiate consent? Why is talking about how we make agreements a useful thing to do? Former director of the Consent Academy in Seattle and current marriage and family counsellor Sar Surmick joins us today to chat about this and more. If consent is important to you, let’s talk about it. If it isn’t important to you, it might be worth reflecting on why. Do you feel like you’ve mastered consent for your purposes? You totally might have the skills you need to get by or even thrive. I would encourage you to ask what a deeper understanding might gift you or your relationships. Content warning for brief mention of the damage nonconsent can do. --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/intimate-interactions/message

Alex Owens and I talk about psychedelics this episode. Content warning: neither of us are experts. This is not medical advice. Please do your own research. Alex shares a story of ego death while on mushrooms and acid. We talk about why Alex started into psychedelics and why Alex stopped. I discuss my experiences with mushrooms while on escitalopram, an SSRI. Please note some of the risks we’ve taken like mixing psychedelics with possible bipolar disorder or mixing psychedelics with antidepressants may be relatively high risk behaviours. We don’t advise you doing as we’ve done. We’re just here to talk about our experiences. Here’s a love letter about taking care of yourself because you’re special. Yes, you. Let’s talk about risk profiles. We all want to get our needs met. Maybe that’s falling in love or fucking or holding someone’s hand and sharing a shy, flirty glance. Often getting our needs met comes with some amount of risk. Take falling in love with someone. There’s big risk. Rejection or maybe acceptance first followed by rejection. A great poet once described this experience as a “sick obsession” where she got “strung out.” What seems like a very high cost for a fleeting high may be outside of your risk profile. But biomedical ethics tells us we can’t make decisions for other people or presume to understand their human experience. So when this poet says “the rush is worth the price I pay,” we have to believe her. For those of you who got the trolly, dated reference, I’m truly sorry. So only you can decide what your profile is of risks you’re willing to take for the experiences you crave. And remember that there are often lots of things you can do to get the same high at a much lower risk price, so no need to be reckless. There are safer behaviours. Be with people who help you feel safe. Be in an environment that is safe. Google and research. Find community. Remember there’s almost always another chance to get higher later where you can up your dose. No need to worry it’s not working after fifty minutes and take more. Give it hours. Also please note that the ego death experience Alex talks about on mushrooms actually involved a tab of acid alongside the mushrooms. Worst case, you don’t feel anything and try again after. Chances are you will feel something. You are precious. Be well, friends. Now let’s listen to the session with Alex Owens here on Intimate Interactions. --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/intimate-interactions/message

Reinventing oneself is no simple process. Ragehell has done it a few times. Today we chat about self deprecation and self sabotage but also self reassurance, cuddling, group massage, and the supports that often help with reinvention. Ragehell also was highly motivated to reinvent herself each time, and finding a deep sense of why you’re doing it can help a lot. While there are episodes coming up about psychedelics and the use of them to encourage reinvention, I wanted to record some drug free episodes to talk about doing it manually, a very possible and in my experience very rewarding way to go about it. Let’s let Ragehell tell us herself here on Intimate Interactions. --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/intimate-interactions/message

Have you ever wanted to build an online brand or been curious how successful people do it? Well, Alex Owens is here to talk to us about how they started their OnlyFans and how they built their brand, following, and offerings. https://onlyfans.com/heyalexowensvip --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/intimate-interactions/message

Rage Hell is here to talk to us about facing fears, living your life, practicing comfort with discomfort, embracing awkwardness, supporting each other, and playing roller derby. Lots about roller derby. I’ve been peripherally familiar with roller derby as I have a friend on a national team, but do my best to let Ragehell tell the story here on Intimate Interactions. --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/intimate-interactions/message

Disciplining a Catholic girl for having erotic thoughts or writing an erotica might be about as cliché as you can get but it’s because it really happens. So what does it look like to try to repair not having your boundaries or sexuality respected? Soul-searching feels fitting to me but I’m not sure it’s the term Alex would use. Still, let’s hear from them what it was like to quit a super challenging dance school and start life anew discovering who you are again. https://onlyfans.com/heyalexowensvip --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/intimate-interactions/message

Emotional labour and blindness are two important topics when discussing how men find themselves after lifetimes of being subjected to toxic masculinity. Whether we owe our fathers, mothers, or societies isn’t really the point. Given how high suicide rates are among men, the need for more of a nurturance culture for men and breaking the silence around mental illness is great. Today I chat with my cishet friend William who discusses emotional labour and how it is gendered in heterosexual relationships. We talk about shame, defensiveness, and cultivating a language of emotions. We talk about gratitude and the debt we owe to women who have done emotional labour for us in our lives. Content warning for parental abuse, especially fearing a parent, and people socialized as women putting up with people socialized as men as we slowly learn basic lessons we probably should have learned in childhood. If you’ve ever dated a person socialized as a man and that person felt like you were more of a parent than an equal… well I can’t apologize for anyone other than myself, but to the folks I dated from 17 through…maybe 34? Through the rest of my life as I continue to recover? To the folks I’ve dated who have done disproportionate emotional labour for me, I will do better. I’m sorry. And thank you so much. --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/intimate-interactions/message

Alex Owens was a Catholic school girl. Now they have an OnlyFans and strip. While they are an awesome and complex person, that’s all I’m giving you for an intro. Roll session. https://onlyfans.com/heyalexowensvip --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/intimate-interactions/message

William chats today about sleep-walking through life. We discuss his separation from his wife, the need of purpose or meaning in life, confronting fear, how we spend the time of our lives, mindfulness, and ptsd. Content warning for near death experiences, and if relevant to you, two assigned-male-at-birth people talking about toxic masculinity. --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/intimate-interactions/message

What does health and wellness look like if you’re trying to just get your body moving again after a long period of being sedentary? Many of us post COVID-19 vaccination are grappling with the cost of life-saving inactivity? Well, we’re fortunate to have Lisa Tamati back, our Maori ultramarathoner extraordinaire. You don’t have to run the equivalent of the circumference of the Earth more than once through over 140 ultramarathons like she has to understand that human fight between wanting to give up and practicing a small victory of resilience. Today Lisa discusses protecting your mindset while recounting a mountain pass marathon that awed me. If you haven’t checked out her book Relentless yet, you can find it on her website at lisatamati.com. She also has a great podcast out, Pushing The Limits, where you can listen to experts discuss tips and strategies from elite performers to you. Remember to resource yourself for this conversation. Pandemics, depression, and sedentary lifestyles are intermingled for a lot of us right now. It may seem insurmountable to start back into caring for your body, but I promise you it’s very possible. Little victories, friends. I feel like a long time ago, Lisa made the world decide to either get on board with her vision of herself or to get out of her way; but that kind of victory doesn’t happen overnight. I encourage you to frame it more as “if Lisa can make it through that mountain pass, I can get 5000 steps today,” even if it feels impossible. No matter how you use the content, I’m proud to present Lisa Tamati, here on Intimate Interactions. --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/intimate-interactions/message

Today, I continue my conversation with William. If you recall, he’s the cishet man who had a near death experience forcing him to confront addiction and other dysfunctional coping. We chat about intellectualizing feelings as a form of avoiding feeling them, inner child therapy, reconciling with parents, our stories we tell ourselves about our lives, reframing, and the role family plays for us now. --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/intimate-interactions/message

Lisa Tamati, our Maori ultramarathoner friend who has competed in somewhere around 140 marathons, is back to chat with us about doing the impossible. A mistress of mindset, Lisa chats with us about belief - belief ourselves, but also in people who believe in us. With the feats of stamina and endurance she’s achieved in her life, I can think of few better qualified to speak on the topic. Also plenty of companies and elite athletes pay her for coaching so she probably knows what she’s talking about. Lisa’s book Relentless goes into more detail if one session leaves you wanting more. You can pick it up on her website at lisatamati.com. You can also get her podcast for free, Pushing The Limits, everywhere podcasts are found. Have a listen! She’s quite good! Wait - let me channel my inner LeVar Burton: but don’t take my word for it - decide for yourself here on Intimate Interactions. Pushing The Limits (Podcast) https://lisatamati.com (“Relentless” book) --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/intimate-interactions/message