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How to Talk to [Mamí & Papí] about Anything

41 Episodes

21 minutes | 2 days ago
Under Pressure from Mom to Finish, But Questioning If College Is for Her
Shelsea is a college student undecided about her future, and wondering whether she wants to be in school at all. But she feels pressured by her Haitian mom to finish her degree. Then, a seasoned college counselor shares strategies for figuring out your own path and engaging your loved ones in the process.Our expert this week is Sharon Williams, college counselor at the University of Chicago Laboratory High School. Sharon recommends the following community organizations and resources to support students along their educational journey:PosseQuestbridgeJack Kent Cooke FoundationAnd for students in the Chicago area:High Jump Link UnlimitedChicago ScholarsIf you loved this episode, be sure to listen to She Had to Choose Her Career Over Her Parents, and She Loves Her Work, Her Parents Don't Get It
17 minutes | 9 days ago
Telling Mom About Using Cannabis and Being a Budtender
Bianca is passionate about cannabis. She even has a podcast about it! When she started working in the cannabis industry, she finally opened up to her mom about all of it. And, a cannabis entrepreneur and investor helps us demystify the plant, the history, the science and the myths for our loved ones.Our expert this week is Khadijah Adams, an entrepreneur, investor and business empowerment coach who works in the cannabis industry. You can visit her website here.  You can find Bianca's podcast here. If you loved this episode, be sure to listen to My Divorce, My Parents, And Me, and Telling Them I'm Moving In With Boyfriend.We’d love to hear your stories of triumph and frustration so send us a detailed voice memo to hello@talktomamipapi.com. You might be on a future episode! Let’s connect on Twitter and Instagram at @TalkToMamiPapi and email us at hello@talktomamipapi.com. And subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Spotify and anywhere you listen to your favorite podcasts.
17 minutes | 16 days ago
When Talking to Mamí About Sex Is Hard
Stephanie would like to talk more openly abut sex, intimacy and sexuality with her mom. The two are really close, but they've never been comfortable discussing any of this. And, a sex educator offers strategies (and a cool acronym) to help us get started talking about sex with our parents.Our expert this week is Dulce Rodriguez, a clinical social worker, and a sex educator-in-training based in Albuquerque, NM. If you loved this episode, be sure to listen to Coming Out to My Family, and My Divorce, My Parents, And Me.We’d love to hear your stories of triumph and frustration so send us a detailed voice memo to hello@talktomamipapi.com. You might be on a future episode! Let’s connect on Twitter and Instagram at @TalkToMamiPapi and email us at hello@talktomamipapi.com. And subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Spotify and anywhere you listen to your favorite podcasts. 
27 minutes | 23 days ago
Our Creator and Host on How This Show Came to Be
A few weeks ago, Juleyka was invited as a guest on 3 Clips, where podcasters talk about making their shows. We turned part of that interview into a special episode to give you a behind-the-scenes look at how we make the show.If you loved this show, listen to our first episode ever, Mom Drove into NYC Amid the COVID-19 Crisis. You can hear Juleyka's interview in 3 Clips with Jay Acunzo here. And, visit the 3 Clips website for more meta interviews about podcasts.We’d love to hear your stories of triumph and frustration so send us a detailed voice memo to hello@talktomamipapi.com. You might be on a future episode! Let’s connect on Twitter and Instagram at @TalkToMamiPapi and email us at hello@talktomamipapi.com. And subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Spotify and anywhere you listen to your favorite podcasts.
18 minutes | a month ago
Facing Intimate Partner Violence, and Mamí Can’t Help
When Gloria experienced intimate partner violence in her relationship, she had a very difficult time turning to her family for help. It was particularly hard to open up to her mom, who had her own history of trauma. And, the founder of an organization that works with survivors offers strategies for breaking the cycle.Our expert this week is Susan Rubio Rivera, funder of M.U.J.E.R.  If you or a loved one need help, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233. Visit her organization here. If you loved this episode, be sure to listen to When's the Time to Write a Will? and Dad's Mental Illness On His Own Terms.We’d love to hear your stories of triumph and frustration so send us a detailed voice memo to hello@talktomamipapi.com. You might be on a future episode! Let’s connect on Twitter and Instagram at @TalkToMamiPapi and email us at hello@talktomamipapi.com. And subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Spotify and anywhere you listen to your favorite podcasts. 
20 minutes | a month ago
When Papí Gets a Fatal Diagnosis
Carmen’s dad learned he had pancreatic cancer earlier this year. His reaction took her by surprise, and the family dealt with the possibility of his death in different ways. Then, an occupational therapist who works with the elderly talks to Juleyka about how to care for our aging loved ones.Our expert this week is Mariella Zuñiga, an occupational therapist and consultant with expertise in Aging in Place, engagement in successful aging and innovation in longevity. If you loved this episode, be sure to listen to When's the Time to Write a Will? and Dad's Mental Illness On His Own Terms.We’d love to hear your stories of triumph and frustration so send us a detailed voice memo to hello@talktomamipapi.com. You might be on a future episode! Let’s connect on Twitter and Instagram at @TalkToMamiPapi and email us at hello@talktomamipapi.com. And subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Spotify and anywhere you listen to your favorite podcasts. 
21 minutes | a month ago
She’s Fighting Inherited Gender Roles
Monica was raised as an independent woman by her very independent Mexican mother. But she’s realizing both of them easily fall back on outmoded gender roles. And, a family therapist returns to the show to give all of us tools to self correct.Our expert this week is Claudia Cuevas, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Mission Viejo, CA. She focuses on Latinas, men and the families who love them.You can visit her website here. If you loved this episode, be sure to check out Papí and I Don't Talk, We Argue, and When Helping Leaves You Feeling Bad After.We’d love to hear your stories of triumph and frustration so send us a detailed voice memo to hello@talktomamipapi.com. You might be on a future episode! Let’s connect on Twitter and Instagram at @TalkToMamiPapi and email us at hello@talktomamipapi.com. And subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Spotify and anywhere you listen to your favorite podcasts. 
22 minutes | 2 months ago
Mom Has to Teach Grandparents to Accept Her Son's Difference
Daniella and her husband have a young son they think might be on the autism spectrum or have developmental delays. Her parents have a hard time overcoming outdated stigmas about cognitive differences. And a pediatrician who studies healthcare in Latino communities speaks with Juleyka about how to support loved ones who are different.Our expert this week is Dr. Katharine Zuckerman, a primary care pediatrician and an associate professor at Doernbecher Children’s Hospital and Oregon Health & Science University in Portland, Oregon. She recommends the CDC's Milestone Tracker and the Autism Self Advocacy Network as resources for parents. If you loved this episode, be sure to listen to Dad's Mental Illness, On His Terms, and When They Want a Wedding and Grandchildren But You Are Not Ready.We’d love to hear your stories of triumph and frustration so send us a detailed voice memo to hello@talktomamipapi.com. You might be on a future episode! Let’s connect on Twitter and Instagram at @TalkToMamiPapi and email us at hello@talktomamipapi.com. And subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Spotify and anywhere you listen to your favorite podcasts.
18 minutes | 2 months ago
Still Yearning for His Father's Love
Growing up, Jeo was never very close to his dad. As an adult, he wants to know him better, to learn about his past and have a real relationship with him. But it’s hard to get him to open up. And, an expert in adolescent development in immigrant communities helps explain the disconnect.Our expert this week is William Perez, professor in the School of Education at Loyola Marymount University. Learn more about his work here. If you loved this episode, be sure to listen to At Home, Being an Adult is Testing Parental Limits, and When Helping Leaves You Feeling Bad After.We’d love to hear your stories of triumph and frustration so send us a detailed voice memo to hello@talktomamipapi.com. You might be on a future episode! Let’s connect on Twitter and Instagram at @TalkToMamiPapi and email us at hello@talktomamipapi.com. And subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Spotify and anywhere you listen to your favorite podcasts
16 minutes | 2 months ago
When Mamí Doesn't 'See' Economic Inequality
Carlos is hyper-aware of wealth inequality and issues of access in the U.S., and is puzzled by his immigrant mother's conservative views, especially since she had to sacrifice so much for her family––and for him. And, a political science professor provides some needed context.Our expert this week is Eduardo Gamarra, Professor of Politcal Science at Florida International University. Learn more about his work here. If you loved this episode, be sure to listen to Dad Denies Systemic Racism, and A Historical Wound He's Trying to Understand.We’d love to hear your stories of triumph and frustration so send us a detailed voice memo to hello@talktomamipapi.com. You might be on a future episode! Let’s connect on Twitter and Instagram at @TalkToMamiPapi and email us at hello@talktomamipapi.com. And subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Spotify and anywhere you listen to your favorite podcasts
18 minutes | 2 months ago
When They Want a Wedding and Grandchildren, But You’re Not Ready
Nathalie’s mother and grandmother want her to be happy. But their idea of happiness for her includes getting married and having kids—not at all what she wants for herself. But they bring it up all the time. And a writer dispels the myths around being single, and shares her advice for handling this particular type of family pressure.Our expert this week is writer, speaker and creative professional Acamea Deadwiler. Learn more about her work here. If you loved this episode, be sure to listen to My Divorce, My Parents, And Me, and Telling Them I'm Moving In With Boyfriend.We’d love to hear your stories of triumph and frustration so send us a detailed voice memo to hello@talktomamipapi.com. You might be on a future episode! Let’s connect on Twitter and Instagram at @TalkToMamiPapi and email us at hello@talktomamipapi.com. And subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Spotify and anywhere you listen to your favorite podcasts 
20 minutes | 3 months ago
When Familism Hurts
Ody's grandmother lived with her family when she was growing up. The expectation of always putting family first created a toxic environment due to emotional abuse from her grandmother, whom she suspects may have had a mental illness. An expert on Latino cultural values breaks down the concept of familism and how it shapes the dynamics at home.Our expert this week is Gabriela Levis Stein, Associate Professor of Psychology at University of North Carolina in Greensboro. Learn more about her lab here. If you loved this episode, be sure to listen to When Mamí and Papí Fight, and Papí and I Don't Talk, We Argue.We’d love to hear your stories of triumph and frustration so send us a detailed voice memo to hello@talktomamipapi.com. You might be on a future episode! Let’s connect on Twitter and Instagram at @TalkToMamiPapi and email us at hello@talktomamipapi.com. And subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Spotify and anywhere you listen to your favorite podcasts
22 minutes | 3 months ago
Coming Out to My Family
Rafe grew up feeling very loved, but also feeling very different. In his teen years, he began to understand he was gay, but it took a while to open up, and to talk about a traumatic experience. A licensed clinical social worker who specializes in supporting QTBIPOC clients speaks with Juleyka about how we can all show up for our loved ones. This episode discusses troubling details, involving violence. Some listeners may find it disturbing.  Our expert this week is Alina Maria Tello-Cordon, a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker in the state of Washington, currently working on a PhD in Clinical Sexology with concentrations in Transgender Health and Kink Conscious Therapy from the International Institute of Clinical Sexology. Learn more about her practice here. Below is a list of resources Alina recommends:RAINN is the nation's largest anti-sexual violence organization.National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 Trans Lifeline is a trans-led organization connecting trans people to community, support, and resources.Hotline: 1-877-565-8860  Hotline The Trevor Project is the leading national organization providing crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to LGBTQ young people under 25.It Gets Better Project is a nonprofit organization with a mission to uplift, empower, and connect LGBTQ youth around the globe.The National Queer and Trans Therapists of Color NetworkThis is a great resource for identifying mental health resources for Queer and Trans people of Color.Covenant House is an LGBTQIA+ affirming youth shelter that has locations across the U.S.The National Runaway Safeline provides advice and assistance to runaways, including resources, shelter, transportation, assistance in finding counseling, and transitioning back to home life. 1800-RUNAWAY (800-786-2929)The True Colors Fund is working to end homelessness among LGBTQ youth, creating a world in which all young people can be their true selves. They run a database of service providers.Trans Student Educational Resources is a youth-led organization dedicated to transforming the educational environment for trans and gender nonconforming students through advocacy and empowerment.PFLAG provides support, information, and resources for LGBTQ+ people, their parents and families, and allies.If you loved this episode, be sure to listen to She's Stuck in a Family Triangle and When Mamí Grieves Different Than You. If you loved this episode, be sure to listen to When Mamí and Papí Fight and My Divorce, My Parents, and Me.We’d love to hear your stories of triumph and frustration so send us a detailed voice memo to hello@talktomamipapi.com. You might be on a future episode! Let’s connect on Twitter and Instagram at @TalkToMamiPapi and email us at hello@talktomamipapi.com. And subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Spotify and anywhere you listen to your favorite podcasts.
19 minutes | 3 months ago
My Divorce, My Parents, and Me
Gaby grew up with parents whose marriage was almost a fairytale: they fell in love young, got married, and stayed together happily ever after. So when her own marriage ended, she felt shame and found it really hard to talk to her parents about it. And, a marriage and family therapist offers strategies for discussing changing relationships with relatives. Our expert this week is Genesis Games, a bilingual (English & Spanish) Cuban-American psychotherapist based in Miami helping clients in all of Florida and New Jersey. Genesis helps young adults adjust to life transitions, navigate the dating world, manage relationship issues, set boundaries with family, and develop adult friendships. She  is passionate about helping individuals heal and thrive after heartbreak. Learn more about her practice here. If you loved this episode, be sure to listen to  She's Stuck in a Family Triangle and When Mamí Grieves Different Than You.
20 minutes | 3 months ago
Telling Them I'm Moving in with My Boyfriend
Juleyka Lantigua-Williams:Hi, everybody. Welcome back to How to Talk to [Mamí and Papí] About Anything. I’m Juleyka Lantigua-Williams. Hi, new listeners. Today I’m speaking with author Cris Ramos Greene. She just published a memoir called Embrace That Girl about navigating adulthood, searching for meaning, and coming to terms with her identity as a second generation Cuban American. Spot on for our show. Cris grew up in a tight knit Cuban household in Miami, but she had difficulty asserting herself and her independence in important areas of her life, like dating and moving in with her boyfriend. Oh boy. Let’s get into it. Cris: Hi, my name is Cris, and I’m the author of Embrace That Girl, and in my family we grew up calling my parents mom and dad. I grew up in Miami, Florida. Both my parents were born in Cuba. My mom was raised in Spain and immigrated when she was about 14. My dad immigrated when he was a toddler. So, we definitely grew up speaking Spanglish. I’m the older sister, I have a younger sister, and it was just us four, and both of my parents are actually only children, so we were like cuatro gatos. So, when I started dating and specifically in my teenage years, me and my dad would butt heads, like we would get into screaming matches over 15-minute increments on my curfew. He was extremely overprotective. It was really hard, especially because we were so tight knit, because it’s just us four. Being a family to my parents meant that everyone had sort of like a vote in everyone’s decisions, so being a family meant sharing these things and having basically… I don’t know. Everything was just very enmeshed. Not a lot of boundaries. And when my dad and I got into these fights over me wanting to be independent, my comeback was, “I’m 18. I’m an adult now.” He would be like, “eso es una americanada.” Like, “No. You’re not.” So, telling my dad that I had made this grownup decision to move in with my boyfriend, I was so nervous. I basically avoided it, like I told my mom, and she wasn’t happy, and in our family the dynamic, which I think is just very Latin, is that my dad blew up at me. He wouldn’t talk to me. My mom wanted to keep the peace, but she definitely, lo soltó, in conversations, and it was really tough. It was not an easy situation to navigate. I did not try to persuade them because I felt like I had struggled from my teenage years, my early twenties, to assert my independence, and everything felt like it was a negotiation or an enrollment, so by 25, I had already been living in my own apartment. I was financially independent. I felt that this was more of an information, but I didn’t want to be callous about it, because I care about my parents and I really wanted them to love my boyfriend, because I knew he would be eventually my forever partner, so I was really careful in how I informed them that it was definitely a debrief. Not a, “We’re at the table and you have a vote,” which definitely didn’t work out well, because in my family the dynamic is we share in the decision making. We all have a vote. We all consult each other before we pull the trigger. And so that, I think in and of itself, besides the fact that it was very sensitive because they’re traditional and I wasn’t married, felt like a betrayal, I think, which I really hated. It was hard. Shortly after I bought an apartment with my husband, we still weren’t married at the time or engaged, and we… I shared with my parents like, “Oh, I put an offer on this amazing place.” And at that point they weren’t mad and enraged like I think they were originally, because they understood, “Oh, there’s a shift in the dynamic.” But I can tell they were hurt because they were like, “Wait, but why didn’t you show it to me?” And I didn’t even think of showing it to them, you know? I was like, “Well, because you’re not gonna live here.” And I think after that, they didn’t get angry with me the same way. They were just more hurt that, “Wow, like this really means she’s in her own family or her own situation now. We don’t get consulted. We’re not the cuatro gatos anymore.” My sister is definitely, as a younger sibling, didn’t have to fight for the same things. Grew up, basically saw me fight for my independence. My parents were definitely like, “Okay, fine,” when it came to her. Like my sister now lives with her fiancé, almost husband, and my parents helped them move in. It wasn’t even… I know, it’s so unfair! Yeah, it really is. Although they’ve come a long way in respecting my boundaries, and I’ve come a long way too in communicating with them and learning to let them in and share in a way that still makes it clear that this is sharing, but it still creeps up from time to time. I just kind of lovingly… I accept that they’re my parents. They’re always gonna want the best for me, like I know it doesn’t come from a place of judgment. It’s just they don’t know how to say it in a different way and the approach is always to come from a space of love, and compassion, and understanding of this is what family means to them and be gentle in your approach. Ad: How to Talk to [Mamí and Papí] About Anything is brought to you by First Republic Bank. As your focus turns to what matters most to you and your community, First Republic remains committed to offering personalized financial solutions that fit your needs. From day one, a dedicated banker will be there to listen to you and understand your unique values and goals. Because now more than ever, what matters to you matters most. Learn more at FirstRepublic.com. Member FDIC. Equal Housing Lender. Lantigua-Williams:I can relate to Cris’s story in so many ways. I also had to tell my mom that I was moving in with my boyfriend in my mid-twenties. I’m also the oldest daughter. I also have younger sisters. And like her, I’ve also been the first to make big changes happen in our family. First to go away to college, first to live abroad, lots and lots of firsts. Like Cris, I also had to figure out how to communicate those important decisions in my life while keeping the peace and safeguarding the environment for my siblings, my sisters, and my brother, who would eventually also face big, life-affirming decisions. But with my mom, even when we were not talking about taboo subjects like dating, it still got messy. And so, it got me thinking about Cris’s scenario and my scenario and so many of our scenarios in which these big, big, big, big, big life decisions can sometimes feel like dropping a bomb on the dinner table. So, I called in an expert. Sara Stanizai: My name is Sara Stanizai. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist and I’m the owner of Prospect Therapy here in Long Beach, California. We are a queer and trans affirming therapy practice with a special focus on mental health in first generation American and other bicultural communities. Lantigua-Williams:So, you’re my expert today, Sara. You heard Cris’s story. What do you hear?Stanizai: I love hearing Cris’s story. I hear stories like this often and I’m gonna be very on brand and as a marriage and family therapist, one of the things I heard was she talked about in her family, everyone plays a role and that’s what we look at when we look at a family system or any sort of relationship system, is what role does everyone play, and it may seem obvious to us now looking back on it, but people don’t realize that we often reenact those roles in our new families, and in the relationships that we create as adults. Lantigua-Williams:So, Cris was very aware of how exactly she changed the dynamic when she informed them that she was gonna move in with her boyfriend, so she says that they were shocked because this was not a, “Let’s have a vote. Let’s have a family discussion.” This was, “Here’s what my plan is, you have now been informed.” So, walk me through what happens in the family when a key player like the oldest daughter decides to drastically change the dynamic about such a major decision. Stanizai: Yes. I love the oldest daughter who changes the dynamic. I may have some personal experience with that. I’m teasing, but it could be anyone. What happens is that system I just described gets disrupted. We don’t live in a vacuum, and so when something comes from outside like a new partner, or a new job, or a goal that doesn’t align with “how we’ve always done things,” that person has the role of disrupting that system, and that doesn’t have to necessarily be a bad thing. I think one thing I tell my clients a lot is you can cloak informing them in a way that sounds like you’re asking them or getting their buy in, and people sometimes have a hard time with that. They say, “Well, I should just… I need to stand up for myself. Enough is enough. It’s not fair. They need to know how I feel.” Which is true, but when you are trying to essentially disrupt a pattern that has been there for a long time, you’re gonna make it harder for yourself the harder you stand up against them. And I often tell clients it’s probably safer and easier to sound like you’re asking them and have them think it’s their idea and you can then more safely disrupt that pattern. You can meet your goal. For example, for Cris, she can move out. And then there’s plenty of time afterwards to practice informing them and separate yourself little by little over time, rather than feeling like it has to be this big battle and you have to prove something. Lantigua-Williams:Besides cloaking, is there another strategy or a couple of other strategies that people can utilize to reduce the potential harm and the potential blowup while still achieving the goal that they want to achieve? Stanizai: Yeah. So, there’s a couple ways. One is to relate it back to your values and your beliefs that you probably do share a lot with your family if you dig deep enough. Sometimes, these manifest in different ways, and they might feel controlling, or stifling, but if you go deep enough, the values are, “I just want you to be safe. I want you to be happy.” If you remind them, “Well, if you want me to be safe, this is how I’m gonna meet that need. You raised me right. I love you. I’m smart. I can figure this out. Maybe it’s not what you intended, but trust me, I’m not doing this just to rebel. I’m not doing this to get away from the values that you taught me. This is just the way that I’m meeting them.” But the other way that I tell people is you can still involve them in the process, and I imagined the rest of Cris’s story, which was she informed her parents that she’s moving out and then I imagined it’s okay, they can still be involved. Maybe the parents want to help decorate the new place, or maybe you want to invite them over for a meal so they can see it’s not a terrible situation. If the parents want to help with the purchase or negotiation, they probably have skills in that area, so they can still be involved and still feel like the collective unit is still taking part in this decision, so that Cris feels more supported and the parents don’t feel so betrayed. Lantigua-Williams:So, Cris did not escape the guilt. She says that making those big decisions independently of her family sometimes felt like a betrayal. How can we manage that guilt, even when we are making absolutely the best decisions for us? Stanizai: Yeah. That’s something that’s very, very common in first gens, where it feels like a betrayal because this is how we’ve always made decisions and here I am changing sort of what we agreed on. One thing I say a lot about immigrant communities, a lot of us come from much more collectivist cultures, and that’s this idea that in America, it’s very focused on the individual and the greatest virtue you can have is you do your best. And in a lot of other cultures, especially where people are immigrating from, it’s a much more collectivist culture, meaning we put the needs of the family, or the group, or the unit at the priority. What I love about these collectivist cultures is it reminds me that immigrants and children of immigrants, we do this better than anyone else, and I think sometimes people who don’t come from those cultures don’t understand it and frankly, they’re missing out. We know that collectivism can be a little bit frustrating and annoying, because it feels like everyone’s in your business and I can’t make any decisions by myself ever. There has to be a vote on what I have for breakfast. But if we can leverage this, because we do this better than anyone else, we know what it’s like to have a whole group of people who are loyal to us, and who will protect us, and who will back us up, and if we can simply shift that so that they’re supporting us rather than making it feel like they’re holding us down, or holding us back, and if we can reframe it in that way, usually by getting more in touch with our values or really just saying these are the lessons my family taught me. This is what I’m grateful for. This is what I appreciate. That’s sort of an advantage to us. That’s something that we do that other people can’t do. Lantigua-Williams:So, this is a perfect place to talk about something that I also experienced as a hard wall, which was traditionally, Americans declare their independence at 18 and it is culturally understood in the United States that you’re an adult. And that’s not so much the case in immigrant households. 18 doesn’t mean squat. How does someone, and I think Cris navigated it well, but how does someone who’s 18, or 28, navigate that really stark line between the culture that we’re coming from and the American culture that we’re growing into? Stanizai: I think every family, and larger than that, every culture has these markers of which box do you check and does that mean you’re successful? Does that mean you’re happy? Does that even mean that you are an adult and can make decisions independently? So, maybe in our family, it’s not turning 18. Maybe it is getting married. Maybe it’s having a child. Maybe it’s completing your education, or once you are financially able to provide for yourself, that counts as adulthood and that can happen at any age. So, focusing on those rather than being fixated just on the date on the calendar. Lantigua-Williams:So, my last question, one of the things that I really related to with Cris as the oldest sister is that she’s also paving the way for her younger sister much in the way that I did. You know, like I went away to college four and a half hours a way, and that enabled my other siblings to do the same, and I think that this is also an important role that the first gen kid plays in the household. What is your advice in general when we are doing these sort of barrier-breaking things in our families? In terms of thinking about how they impact our siblings who are coming up behind us. Stanizai: Yeah. I have a younger sister too, so this part of the story really warmed my heart, and the oldest sibling in many ways plays the role of the American parent, so we know a little bit more about how to navigate that. And I think any younger sibling would say just because you did that didn’t make it easier for me. Lantigua-Williams:Yep. Stanizai: But I think the distinction is they may not be fighting for the same things. For example, if the older sibling is the first to marry someone outside of the culture, or the first to move away for school, the younger sibling may know that that is okay to do, but then they have their own issues of what they’re fighting for, which is usually some version of, “I just want to be taken seriously. I don’t want to be the baby anymore.” I feel like I’m putting my sister on blast. It’s cool. But I think if the oldest sibling can be mindful that they do, whether they want to or not, end up playing that sort of parental role, and to have a little bit more empathy and learn to tolerate that frustration, that can not only pave the way for the younger sibling, but honestly, I think it strengthens the siblings’ relationship, too. Lantigua-Williams:Sara, thank you so much. So good to have you back on the show. Stanizai: Thank you. Thanks for having me. This was really fun. Lantigua-Williams:All right, let’s recap what we learned from Sara. Skip the confrontation entirely. Cloak your language with friendly and conciliatory words instead of grandstanding with declarations of independence. Keep them involved. Your parents don’t have to be part of the decision-making process. Letting them be part of the aftermath can go a long way in honoring your relationship and maintaining boundaries. And remember, use the collective framing to show them that what they’ve taught you in terms of values is still very much reflected in the decisions that you’re making. It’s not about asserting your independence and it’s not about separating. It is really about exercising the same values in your own way, in your own life. Lantigua-Williams: Thank you for listening. Thank you for sharing us. Thank you for following us. Thank you for tweeting at us. All the thank yous. How to Talk to [Mamí and Papí] About Anything is an original production of Lantigua Williams & Co. Virginia Lora produced this episode. Michael Castañeda mixed it. Production help from Kat Hernandez. Micaela Rodríguez is our founding producer and social media editor. Cedric Wilson is our lead producer. I’m the show’s creator, Juleyka Lantigua-Williams. On Twitter and Instagram, we’re @TalktoMamiPapi. Please subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Amazon Music, Spotify, or anywhere you listen to your favorite podcasts. Bye, everybody. Same place next week. CITATION: Lantigua-Williams, Juleyka, host. “Telling Them I'm Moving in with Boyfriend.” How to Talk to [Mamí & Papí] About Anything, Lantigua Williams & Co., October 11, 2020. TalkToMamiPapi.com.
19 minutes | 4 months ago
When Mamí and Papí Fight
As a child, Rose witnessed an instance of domestic violence between her parents that has stayed with her over the years. And a certified traumatologist and psychotherapist who works with immigrant women talks to Juleyka about how those of us in similar circumstances can move forward and heal. Our expert this week is Martha Vallejo, certified traumatologist and psychotherapist based in Miami, Florida. She recommends this talk as a resource to understand the longterm impact of childhood adversity in adults. If you loved this episode, be sure to check out Dad's Mental Illness, On His Terms and Struggling to Become More than a Dutiful Daughter.We’d love to hear your stories of triumph and frustration so send us a detailed voice memo to hello@talktomamipapi.com. You might be on a future episode! Let’s connect on Twitter and Instagram at @TalkToMamiPapi and email us at hello@talktomamipapi.com. And subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Spotify and anywhere you listen to your favorite podcasts.
1 minutes | 4 months ago
Welcome to the Family BIRTHFUL!
We have beautiful news! Doula and childbirth educator Adriana Lozada just brought her show Birthful  to Lantigua Williams & Co. And we're so happy!!!Alternating between interviews with perinatal professionals and birth stories with new parents, Birthful is here to inform your intuition, no matter what pregnancy, birth or postpartum throw at you. New episodes every Wednesday!+Subscribe to Birthful on Apple Podcast.+Visit  Birthful.com to learn more about Adriana's classes and the Birthful community.
20 minutes | 4 months ago
What If You Don't Cheer for the Same Team as Your Family?
Rita, like the rest of her family, has always been a die-hard football fan. She hid her love for a different team for years, afraid they would be upset. A professor of sports management breaks down BIRGing and CORFing in avid sports fans and what they have to do with family relationship dynamics.Our expert this week is Michelle Harrolle , Director of the Vinik Sport & Entertainment Management Program at the University of Sout Florida. If you loved this episode, be sure to check out Papí and I Don't Talk, We Argue, and When Mamí Grieves Differently Than You.We’d love to hear your stories of triumph and frustration so send us a detailed voice memo to hello@talktomamipapi.com. You might be on a future episode! Let’s connect on Twitter and Instagram at @TalkToMamiPapi and email us at hello@talktomamipapi.com. And subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Spotify and anywhere you listen to your favorite podcasts.
21 minutes | 4 months ago
The Mixed Privilege of Being a White Immigrant
Vanessa’s mother moved from Germany to the U.S. as an adult. Vanessa, who was born in the U.S., immigrated to Canada and finds herself comparing their experiences in their adopted countries as she watches her home country from The North. Then, Juleyka speaks with a sociologist who puts citizenship and belonging into a larger context. Our expert this week is Irene Bloemraad , Professor of Sociology at the University of California, Berkeley. Learn more about her work on interdisciplinary migration here. If you loved this episode, be sure to check out Dad Denies Systemic Racism and A Historical Wound He's Trying to Understand. We’d love to hear your stories of triumph and frustration so send us a detailed voice memo to hello@talktomamipapi.com. You might be on a future episode! Let’s connect on Twitter and Instagram at @TalkToMamiPapi and email us at hello@talktomamipapi.com. And subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Spotify and anywhere you listen to your favorite podcasts.
20 minutes | 4 months ago
She Had to Choose Her Career Over Her Parents
As a kid, Olga loved writing and developed a passion for journalism. But her parents, immigrants from the former U.S.S.R., strongly opposed her choices, fearing the financial prospects were slim. Long-standing arguments created a rift in their relationship that grew worse over time—leading her to choose between her calling and her family.  In this episode, Juleyka also speaks with a career coach about how feminist women can negotiate and find common ground with our parents. Our expert this week is Cynthia Pong, a feminist career coach for women of color. You can visit her website here and learn about her book here. If you loved this episode, be sure to check out She Loves Her Work, Her Parents Don't Get It and Struggling to Become More than a Dutiful Daughter.We’d love to hear your stories of triumph and frustration so send us a detailed voice memo to hello@talktomamipapi.com. You might be on a future episode! Let’s connect on Twitter and Instagram at @TalkToMamiPapi and email us at hello@talktomamipapi.com. And subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Spotify and anywhere you listen to your favorite podcasts.
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