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How To Talk To Kids About Anything
52 minutes | Jul 27, 2021
How to Talk to Teens about Topics that Matter with Michelle Icard
How to Talk to Teens about Topics that Matter This podcast episode focuses on talking to tweens about topics that range from sexuality and technology to the changing parent-child relationship. How do you approach tweens so that both people feel heard? Michelle Icard suggests the BRIEF method that stands for: Begin peacefully, Relate to your child, Interview to collect information, Echo what you’re hearing and give Feedback. Special Guest: Michelle Icard On this podcast- we talk about talking to kids every week—and we’ve been doing it for years. So I guess I’m preaching to the choir when I say how important it is to do it—even when it’s challenging. One extra challenging time to try to engage children in important discussions is in during the tween years—I know this both professionally and personally- given that my children are now 12 and almost 11 years old. A double whammy tween spectacular! Yes; trying to convince a middle schooler to listen to you can be exasperating at times. So it’s not surprising that some parents simply feel that the best option is not to talk! But keeping kids safe, informed and prepared makes conversations necessary. Before we get to my next fabulous guest who will be talking to us about a host of wonderful and sometimes cringe-worthy topics, I wanted to announce 2 things. First, thank you to all of you who have been listening over the years as we are at about 950K downloads and on our way to a million. And I just am so appreciative of your amazing reviews on iTunes- so heartfelt and kind- and of your listenership. You are amazing. Second, my book, currently entitled How to Talk to Kids about Anything, is coming along and will be published in 2022 by Sourcebooks. I’ve already written the chapters on talking to kids about mistakes and failure, talking to kids about sex, talking to kids about death and right now- I’m working on talking to kids about big feelings and coping. With your loyalty and support, I’m putting my head down and writing. So thank you all once again. I’ll keep you posted about what’s going on with the book from week to week, since many of you have been so amazing to ask. I just adore you all. For today, we will be focusing on talks with tweens—what to do, what definitely NOT to do, and how to use the BRIEF B-R-I-E-F model to Begin peacefully, Relate to your child, Interview to collect information, Echo what you’re hearing and give Feedback from my friend and colleague, Michelle Icard- who has been with us once before when we discussed a different aspect of helping middle schoolers thrive. Begin peacefully, Relate to your child, Interview to collect information, Echo what you’re hearing give Feedback Bio Michelle Icard is a member of the Today show parenting team and NBC News Learn. The author of Middle School Makeover, her work has been featured in the Washington Post, Chicago Tribune, The Christian Science Monitor, Redbook, Time, and People. Her leadership curriculum for middle schoolers, Athena’s Path and Hero’s Pursuit, have been implemented at schools across the U.S., and her summer camp curriculum is offered at more than 20 camps each summer. She has written a new book called Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen where she explored some essential conversations that we need to have with our tweens before high school starts—which we will be discussing today. She also has an online companion course that goes with the book at MichelleIcard.com She lives with her family in Charlotte, North Carolina. Important Messages: Successful conversations: Botox brow- important tip! Nothing to do with what you say and everything with how you look while doing it. Brains are rewiring in tween years. While that’s happening, their ability to read facial expressions is compromised. The prefrontal cortex is under construction. They are relying on the amygdala. Studies looking at MRIs- how are they feeling? Scrunched up forward- assumes that the parent is angry. Pretend you have been overly botoxed! Neutral expression can invite conversation. Scrunched forehead stops conversation. Tell your child that you aren’t angry. Assistant manager. Paradigm shift. Used to make all decisions regarding identity up to that point. (i.e. decide friendships, style- you made the play dates, you bought the clothes). Remember the worst manager you ever had: What were the ways you’d describe them? Bad communicator, micro-manager, intrusive on time, etc. Flip that around. Now you have the job description of how to be the assistant manager rather than the micromanager. So if you feel like a manager was overly controlling- how can you make sure you are stepping back? How can you let your tween take the lead role? How can you take the supporting role? How can I support you in this? Do y ou need help figuring this out? We have wisdom and experience- but tweens need to practice to gain the experience. Don’t try to fix. Be curious. They need internal barometer. Changing parent-child relationships. Storm of change. Body, social world, brain. Explain to them- what these changes look like, how you can be supportive. Even our relationship is going to change a bit- more things on own, I’m here on own. Feeling shut out? You and everyone else is going through this. Around age 11- individuation. When this happens- job of language to tie groups of people together and it’s the job of tweens and teens to break ties apart. That’s what they need to do to grow up. Bridge- open up conversation. BRIEF model. Kids are beginning process of pulling away, suspicious of motives. Don’t want to jump to feedback before doing the rest. They give advice. They need you to reestablish rapport. Kids cocoon. “I like that you are focusing on your homework and the backseat works for you and it’s comfy (compliments) also I want to spend time with you. If it’s not the car, what can it be? Walk? Lunch? Happy to keep back seat- but what’s in it for us too? Conversation crashers- that end a conversation. Raise awareness. None of us are perfect. More aware- maybe correct some of the time. BRIEF: Begin peacefully- schedule a time to talk! Recognize that they love their room and friends and ask when would be a good time to chat. Rapport- I used to love my room too! We are on the same team, not here to bust you. I- Interview. Ask questions. What do you love to do? What is your favorite part? E- Echo. Repeat. Like “oh, I see you love this about your room, it’s a drag you have the same color as when you were a baby…” F- Feedback. This is your chance. Don’t lean in. I’m glad you get to spend time in here. Is there a compromise we can come to? I see you love your room and get why- also you are an important part of this family and we value you- we want time together too. Independence and valued. Compromise. Tween friendship: “who your kid is friends with is their choice, not yours.” Parents get highly emotional about this. Our pain stays raw. If we see our children being treated badly- our minds go crazy and we think of what used to be a problem for us. Wheel is falling off the cart in middle school. Real concerns. Academic. Social. Trial and error (and error and error and error). It will be okay! In friendships, you will see that your child is with someone who doesn’t seem to care about them at all—and your child will be that person is someone else’s life too! Learning about how to handle it when someone texts about you (gossips) or doesn’t want to celebrate your wins and is only there when things are going badly. The idea is to help your kid come up with how to deal with these problems. Not for you to diagnose it and come up with the prescription. Instead of: I notice that your friend treats you badly and you can’t hang out with them any more. You need to learn now to hang out with those people. Say: How do you feel when you are together? Texting? Anything you love about this friendship? Is there anything about this friendship that you would fix if you had a magic wand?” Our approach of fixing things sends our kids under ground and behind our backs. They need to learn how to manage these situations on their own. Kids this age make a ton of mistakes and some of them are fashion related. Nothing to do about how another kid presents. Probing: How do people react to the way they dress? (You may come off as being judgmental and then the child may not come to you about meatier things). Avoid: anything to do with looks, appearance, dress. Involved: Risky behavior. If knew someone was drinking. Step in. Safety issue/. They can hang out here at our home- but that’s where it will remain right now until I am sure about your safety and wellbeing. What do you want to do about this situation? ***Big feelings. Explosive or dormant and seep out in covert ways. Things to do when they feel cruddy. How feel bring up the conversation? “Try this first” list. What are things that you like to do- that are enjoyable- calm. She came up with 10 things. “I like to watch puppy videos” Or bake. Shoot basketballs. Don’t have to be profound. Poster- hung behind clothes in closet. Wants mom to fix the feeling. Let’s talk about how you are feeling. Let’s do the try this first- do the thing for 15 minutes. Provided such a distraction- self soothing. Productive conversation after that. Janine Halloran- coping mechanisms. Physical, distracting, calming, sensory. Distracting- gives distance. Provides perspective. Also might make them feel better! What works for you might not work for me! Technology- like a scissor or hammer- it’s a tool- has benefits and drawbacks. Parents have to do some pre-work before opening the tough tech conversation. What are your biggest concerns? Drill those down. Can’t be so broad. Can’t be everything. What are your concerns? Then, address those. For example, my kid wants IG. I’m worried that (1) They won’t pay enough attention to their real world friends. (2) Their grades will suffer because they will always be online. (3) They might talk to a stranger. (4) They might compare themselves to others and feel bad about themselves and their bodies- develop an eating disorder. Write the list, go down the list, talk about these concerns. Rather than just saying “you aren’t old enough.” They deserve some explanation. What’s dangerous? What works well? What skills do they need in order to be able to use that tool responsibly? Imagine the tool isn’t IG but a stove. You may not let your 7 year old cook dinner while you are outside talking to your neighbor. But you might let your 13 year old do that. What skills do they have? Sexuality: Accepting labels. When our child tells us they are bisexual or pansexual- or a friend has told them this- how not to respond. “You’re too young to know.” “Don’t label yourself.” That sends a message to your child that they can’t talk to you about this because you are being dismissive. It sounds like “keep it a secret.” Ask instead; “what’s got you thinking about this?” “Thank you for tell me.” “What can I do to be supportive?” Make sure they are using the right terms. Doesn’t need to be a huge conversation. Careful of the landmine- that this is not appropriate to talk about it at their age. Can have major consequences. What about flags or décor around the room that shows their sexuality: Kids are flexible. Kids like to put labels on things. Everything changing. Tumultuous time of life. Labels are a way of making life feel organized. Décor in the room is a way of telegraphic to the world- this is who I am. I’ve made these choices. Might have a pride flag at one point- then replace it with something else at a different time of life. Top tip: These conversations are about building rapport over a long period of time. They are not about knowing the perfect thing to say and having the perfect conversation. That will never have. You can have great conversations with your kids if you just keep it up. Notable Quotables: “Kids really need to be able to take some ownership over their decisions regarding who they are, how they present to the world and what they think and believe.” “It’s the job of language to tie groups of people together and it’s the job of tweens and teens to break ties apart. That’s why one of the first things that is sacrificed is communication. They stop listening to you. They stop telling you things. “This is a time of error and error and error.” “When your kid is dealing with a social issue, ask questions. The idea is to get your kid to learn how to connect the dots not for you to diagnosis it and come up with the prescription.” “If we just vilify tech, tweens will just tune us out. It’s important to remember that tech can be fun, useful, of service and it can be entertainment. Recognizing that as you begin any conversation is a real good way to keep the door open.” “You are the authority on your body. You’re the authority on your feelings. And I’m just here to be your best support team member.” “This time of life is so tumultuous. Everything is changing- up in the air all the time and labels are a real neat way to make things feel organized when it’s naturally very chaotic and disorganized.” “These conversations are about building rapport over a long period of time. They are not about knowing the perfect thing to say and having the perfect conversation.” Kids really need to be able to take some ownership over their decisions regarding who they are, how they present to the world and what they think and believe says @MichelleIcard on #talktokids podcastClick To Tweet Want the secret for how to talk to tweens about topics that really matter? We discuss them this week on #talktokids podcast with guest, @MichelleIcardClick To Tweet Resources: IG: @MichelleIcard MichelleIcard.com If you LOVED this episode, please check out these… Lynn Kenney: How to Talk to Kids about Big Feelings & Calming Down Techniques Wendy Young: How to Talk to Kids about Anger & Big Feelings. Margie Warrell: How to Talk to Kids about Being Brave Jessica Lahey: How to Talk to Kids about the Gift of Failure Michele Borba: How to Talk to Kids about Empathy & Entitlement The post How to Talk to Teens about Topics that Matter with Michelle Icard appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
56 minutes | Jul 20, 2021
How to Talk to Kids About Media Literacy and Deconstructing Advertising with Dina Alexander – ReRelease
How to Talk to Kids About Media Literacy and Deconstructing Advertising The podcast provides tips and scripts around media literacy and deconstructing advertisements. Podcast guest, Dina Alexander, discusses questions to pose, exercises to use and guidelines to construct in order to make a habit out of questioning and deconstructing the messages we receive through media. Special Guest: Dina Alexander Dina Alexander is the founder and president of Educate and Empower Kids (educateempowerkids.org), an organization determined to strengthen families by teaching digital citizenship, media literacy, and healthy sexuality education—including education about the dangers of online porn. She is the creator of Noah’s New Phone: A Story About Using Technology for Good, Messages About Me, A Journey to Healthy Body Image, How to Talk to Your Kids About Pornography and the 30 Days of Sex Talks and 30 Days to a Stronger Child programs. Her new book, which we will be discussing today is entitled Petra’s Power to See: A Media Literacy Adventure, Dina received her master’s degree in recreation therapy from the University of Utah and her bachelors from Brigham Young University. She is an amazing mom and loves spending time with her husband and three kids. Together, they live in Texas. We are surrounded my media messaging everyday. The TV we watch, the billboards we see, the radio we listen to and the social media we read and share just to name a few. A great deal of our media is good- fine- interesting and even helpful—but there is a lot of media mixed in there that is useless or even harmful. Our children really need to know the difference. This is one of my favorite topics- I present on this topic and personally, it lights my fire as media is so powerful and has the ability to shape and break people. So how do we talk to kids about media and how to deconstruct, understand and critique it? Our old friend, Dina Alexander, who was already on How to Talk to Kids about Anything to discuss the topic of talking about sex and making babies—she is back to help us talk to kids about media literacy. The podcast provides: Tips: What we can do to help our kids understand the impact of media. Tips: How we can teach our children to deconstruct media. Questions our kids can ask themselves when viewing advertising. Aspects to illuminate when viewing beauty and fitness ads. Scripts: How to discuss what to do when they see a post or when they are positing themselves. Tips: How to dissect fake news. Scripts: How do we begin talking about pornography, why it’s important to avoid and how to avoid seeing it. Guidelines: What rules or guidelines we should create so that our kids and family know our media policy in the home. Steps: How to talk to kids about what we don’t want them to see. Important Messages: Start early! Talk to kids when they are young so that you can make the tougher conversations for teens easier. You lay the foundation when you talk to kids in elementary school. Start here: Media is the way we send messages. Talk about the difference between reality and fantasy. What is the message here? Count the number of messages you drive passed or walk passed in the mall. Every advertisement is selling us something. There are questions we can ask ourselves and ask our kids. We are not typically taught how to deconstruct media. We need to get kids breaking down media so that it doesn’t take hold of us. What is it saying and what is it doing to you? Our brains try to make media illusions true- so ask- what do the advertisers want us to feel and know? Do a comparison between airbrushed and non-airbrushed images. These are accessible on the internet. Ask your kids; what are the pressures that are put on girls and boys in these advertisements? What characters are woman allowed to play? Show your children photos from instagram or facebook and ask: what am I selling? Teach kids that we are powerful- social media can be used to impact hundreds, thousands or millions people. Do you want to use them to show you what you are wearing on a Friday night or do you want to use it to change the world? It can be a grand message or a small message- but it can make positive ripples. Kids are used to believing what they are told. We need to teach them how to figure out if they are seeing a fake product or a fake news story. Show kids food styling and behind-the-scenes to show media illusions. Talk to your kids about media you don’t want them to see before they see it. This means violence and pornography. Be specific about what you don’t want them to see and what you mean by violence or pornography. Let them know what they should do if they see this kind of media. Take inventory of how much media your family is using. Come up with a policy regarding where media must be placed at night. Kids have impressionable brains. Family meetings are not just about what the adults want- it’s a coming together to discuss what’s good for the family. Notable Quotables: “Media is the wallpaper of our lives. We don’t always take the time to understand it, we walk passed it, but our children are taking these messages in in much stronger ways than we usually acknowledge.” “Teach your children; every advertisement is selling us something. What is it trying to sell us?” “We are in an image-based culture. We need to be able to look at an ad and break it down before we start thinking; ‘I need that product!’” “When we see beauty ad, our brains are trying so hard to make it true even though we know it’s a computerized, airbrushed image. We are still comparing ourselves to her!” “The advertisers don’t care that an ad makes us feel bad. What they care about is if we purchase what they’re selling.” Exchange: Dina: “Women are not allowed to wrinkles and pores in many advertisements. Dr. Robyn: “Well, they don’t have pores or wrinkles and we should aspire to that.” Dina: “Right. They’re magical! Like unicorns!” “Our kids can not be what they don’t see.” “Whether we admit it or not, we are all trying to sell a message on social media. We are all selling a message.” “I show photos to children of my instagram and ask; what am I selling? The truth is, I’m selling ‘good mommy.’” “What is amazing about social media is that we can use it to teach our kids that we have the power to create media. We can sell ourselves, we can show ourselves in a bikini or we can use it to literally change the world.” “The power is within us. We live at a time, for the first time in the history of the world, that I can impact, if I choose to, hundreds, thousands, millions of people.” “The advertisers are hunting us. They are hunting our kids. They want our money.” “What are the messages in these advertisements?” “Don’t wait until your child sees something you don’t want them to see. Talk first.” “Take inventory of how much screen-time your kids are getting. Our kids have underdeveloped brains and they are far more susceptible to addiction that are adults. It’s like giving a beer to a 50 year old vs a 5 year old—there are very different things it’s going to do to our brains. It can affect us and we can get addicted so imagine what it can do to our children!” “I don’t watch something that I don’t want my kids watching.” “It’s not just the parents’ media guidelines but rather the family’s media guidelines. We are in this together. We are going to help each other out by having rules and standards we are going to keep to as a family.” “Help kids build the habit of deconstructing media.” “Plant the seeds and help them start the habit.” Help kids build the habit of deconstructing media says @empowereddina on this week's #talktokids #podcast-- find out how to teach your kids to be media literate right here.Click To Tweet The advertisers are hunting us. They are hunting our kids. They want our money says @EmpoweredDina-- so find out how to #talktokids about media literacy and outsmart the advertisers on this week's #podcast!Click To Tweet Resources: Petra’s Power to See Educateempowerkids.org The post How to Talk to Kids About Media Literacy and Deconstructing Advertising with Dina Alexander – ReRelease appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
52 minutes | Jul 6, 2021
How to Talk to Kids about Suicide Risk and Prevention with Jonathan B. Singer, Ph.D., LCSW
How to Talk to Kids about Suicide Risk and Prevention This podcast provides tips and scripts for talking to kids about suicide. What are the risk factors? What are the protective factors? And what should we say if a child seems that they are hopeless, helpless or have said that they are thinking about ending their life. This is an uncomfortable topic- but one that we should and need to discuss. Special Guest: Jonathan B. Singer, Phd, LCSW Preliminary estimates suggest that suicide deaths declined during the Covid epidemic- the US had 2,677 fewer suicide deaths in 2020 than in 2019, translating to a 5.6% decline, according to an analysis of provisional government data recently published in the medical journal JAMA. Although these numbers may be obscuring the full story- either way, accurate or not, experts are saying “let’s not be complacent!” This past year has been unusual- with more people being at home and keeping a watchful eye on those who were suffering from mental health issues and distress- where there may have been a “we’re all in this together” feeling—where young people faced less bullying, fewer sexual assaults and avoided school shootings and the threat of them. But with the aftermath of this pandemic comes more uncertainty- job loss, homelessness and PTSD. Our next guest also worries that Kids returning to in-person schooling, particularly those who have excelled at online learning, may also face “re-entry shock,” no longer surrounded by family but by staff and peers- many whom they haven’t seen in over a year. With all these changes and risk, it’s important that we discuss suicide, suicide risk and suicide prevention in our young people today. (Article: https://www.marketwatch.com/story/we-shouldnt-be-complacent-suicide-deaths-fell-during-the-2020-pandemic-but-why-11617887838) If you or someone you know is having thoughts of suicide, call the free, confidential National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255). Additional resources include the Crisis Text Line (text HOME to 741741), the Veterans Crisis Line (press 1 after dialing the national Lifeline), the Trevor Project for LGBTQ youth (1-866-488-7386), the Trans Lifeline (877-565-8860) and the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration’s Disaster Distress Helpline (call 1-800-985-5990 or text TalkWithUs to 66746). Bio Jonathan B. Singer, Ph.D., LCSW is Associate Professor of Social Work at Loyola University Chicago, President of the American Association of Suicidology and coauthor of the 2015 Routledge text, Suicide in Schools: A Practitioner’s Guide. He is the author of over 70 publications and his research has been featured in national and international media outlets like NPR, BBC, Fox, Time Magazine, and The Guardian. Dr. Singer is the founder and host of the award-winning Social Work Podcast (www.socialworkpodcast.com), the first podcast by and for social workers. He lives in Evanston, IL with his wife and three children Important Messages: We need to acknowledge the pain, fear and suffering that kids and their families are going through. But it’s also about hope. Finding the reasons for living. Build worlds that they want to live in. Finding that little piece of hope and helping it to blossom in a kid. Risk factors vs warning signs (these are different for suicide just as they are different for a heart attack). Risk factors: Age, gender assigned at birth, access to fire arms (older they are, more likely to die by suicide). Females 3X more likely to attempt suicide, Males 3X more likely to die by suicide. Firearms in house: 32X more likely to die by suicide. Having a parent die by suicide- risk factor. Warning signs: Indication that something is about to happen (just like heart attack). Someone who is talking about suicide or death. “Nobody would care if I lived or died.” “You guys have fun because I won’t be around next weekend.” “I’m thinking about killing myself.” Expressing hopelessness about future. Overwhelming emotional pain. Developmentally normative for teens to be emotional. But when you have a kid who is talking about wanting to die, and they’re in pain and they are expressing hopelessness about the future and then they withdraw from social situations (deactivate social media), irritable, agitated, not just with one person but with many people (yelling at grandma) or not sleeping. These are indicators that the child is likely thinking about killing themselves- and thinking about how they will do it. This is the time to jump in and act. What do we do? (1) Acknowledge & label. “I don’t think anyone would care if I lived or died.” “That sounds like a really sad and scary place. I’m so glad you told me that you were thinking that.” “Nobody should have to go through this much pain.” This doesn’t happen out of context. If you’re the parent, you know what’s happening inside the house. If you are the coach, you see the kids in practice. If you’re the teacher, you see the kids at school. You want to get to (2) Appreciation: “I really appreciate that you trusted me with this.” (2) Let’s get you some help. Let’s get you someone you can talk to about this.” What’s the context? 38,000 kids lost their parent to Covid this past year. “You’ve been through so much this year. Nobody should have to go through so much- go through what you’ve been through, losing a parent. Please know that there are people out there who can help. I know it doesn’t see like it’s possible, but it is.” Personalize it. Knowing that the kid feels heard and validated, is, in an of itself, protective against suicide.” *Personalize—don’t sound like a generic greeting card. Avoid saying: “I understand what you are going through.” Adolescents don’t feel that we understand. Even if you suffered heartache and pain, you didn’t go through their situation (i.e., no phone in room). Suggests we understand how deep their pain is or how brood their suffering is across multiple different systems, multiple relationships. And we don’t! We can’t understand what they are going through in a way that’s going to be helpful in a couple of sentences. How do you show you get them? To sit with them. To listen to them. To nod. “Tell me more.” Open up space for them to be heard. And only then could you begin to understand what’s going on. “I want to understand what you are going through. I would love to know more. You deserve to have people who will listen to you and help you. I would love to hear more so we can find the right folks for you.” *App- “My Three”- “Not Ok”- a way to have an app on your phone that alert people right away when you are not okay- have them at the ready. By the way, designed by teens! Press an icon and it sends a message to your key people that you are not ok- and you decide in advance- gps coordinates, message- what do you want to send out? Set up in advance- to know who those folks are- for kids who are struggling. Avoid saying things like “think of other people.” If you think about a team that just lost the championships, you wouldn’t tell them to think of the other people who won and how this impacts them. Just step outside of yourselves. You are relaying: “I want to hang, I want to be with you because you just went through something crappy.” Protective factors: Only qualifies as a protective factor if there is a risk that it’s protecting a child from. Family, religion—these can be. A functional family- supports the kid to be themselves but also have a loving community when they feel scared or hurt or unprotected. A family of a trans youth who misgenders is not a protective factor! You want to feel safe and free to be yourself. If you want a world where people feel that their life is worth living, we can’t have a society that says that some lives are worth more than others. We can’t have a school that says some students are worth more than others. We can’t have a neighborhood that says “you’re not as good as these other kids.” This is a broader issue when we talk about building worlds where people wasn’t to live- where life is worth living. The idea that you can recognize the kid who is suicidal just by looking at them is a myth. Can’t be that the kid is listening to heavy metal or playing D&D, therefore they are suicidal. Ask directly: Have you had thoughts of killing yourself? Have you had thoughts of ending your life? Ask about suicide- not self harm. Stat- 1 in 7 kids before college have engaged in non-suicidal self injury. Don’t say, do you want to hurt yourself? Because they may be thinking- no, I don’t want to hurt myself, I want to end the hurt. Schools- you need to do screening. Could be anyone. Folks a re terrified- if I ask the question, won’t I put the thought in someone’s head? No. Research study. Maddie Gould. Level of distress. The kids that reported thoughts of suicide had decreased levels of stress when someone asked them about suicide. The kids who did not have thoughts of suicide, the levels of distress did not change. Two days later: showed no risk in answering the question- no increased in distress. Might actually been benefit- reduce distress. Another myth- If a child or teen really wants to die by suicide, there’s nothing I can do to stop them. Another myth- If a child or teen is thinking about suicide all the time, they might not really be suicidal and I don’t really need to take these statements seriously. Dangerous myth- be clear about what they are saying- you must talk to the kid! There is a difference between being sad or scared or angry- and wanting to die. Pandemic- increase depression, anxiety, eating disorder. No stats right now that say there is an increase in suicidal ideation. Kids can be distraught and not suicidal. Difference: If you are sad, mad, scared, lonely and you want to have connection, please tell me that- because I can help you to find that. I can connect you to those resources. But if you tell me that you are suicidal when you are not, you’ll need to talk to a psychiatrist and you may be hospitalized. And at no point will they care how happy you are- they will only care about that you haven’t attempted to end your life. If you are suicidal, tell me that, of course. Want to address. There’s a difference. Did the child learn that no body will pay attention to me? Don’t have to go to 11- you can just tell me that you are sad. Powerful. If we think there’s nothing we can do about it- then we are not doing anything to help. We want to do everything up to the very last second to ensure that these kids stick around. We don’t want to send kids to school knowing that some school staff might be thinking- there are going to be kids who do bad things to themselves and there is nothing I can do. That is not the attitude we want people to have! We want them to think; “I can do something about this and I should do something about this.” I have a responsibility to do something about this. If a suicide has happened: How do we help those who have been left behind? Acknowledge that everyone can share the same loss but have a totally different experience of it. When grieving- very different ways. Intense, delayed, complicated grief. Post-vention. Intervening address grief and loss and to prevent suicide dealths result from the death. Intervention as prevention. Contagion. Only in youth. When one dies by suicide, those who are at high risk will also die by suicide in quick succession. Should think about how to address a suicide death before it happens. The way we grieve more culturally bound than anything else in our lives. Acknowledge that there was a death. If they are open to calling it a suicide death. Don’t mention method or where or notes. “This is a really sad time for us because we’ve lost a friend. And we are going to spend some time talking about it.” In a school be flexible enough to address the grief for those who are grieving. Also talk to family and community- how they can support their kids. After a suicide death, make sure kid is sleeping, that they are available to talk to that child, that the parent models seeing a therapist if they are having trouble. Hard to say “see someone and talk to someone” if you aren’t seeing someone for help and you are having a hard time. Not that you want your kid to “be the best” but that you want the best for your kid. Top tip- come away with a sense of hope. This is something I can address. Know that the most important thing is to be there for the kid. And listen. Genuinely be there. Suicide hot line, Trevor project for LGBTQ. Trans life line. Resources. Basic thing- it’s a good thing for me to be involved in this- and to know others are involved in this- for me to talk about it. This is a team sport here. Got to be part of the team. Resource of the week: American Association for Suicidology. Google his name! Also on Twitter. Notable Quotables: “Having a kid feel heard and validated, is, in and of itself, protective against suicide.” “The way that you can really help a kid to feel you ‘get them,’ is to sit with them. To listen to them. To open up space for them to be heard. Only then can you begin to understand what’s going on.” “If you want a world where people feel that their life is worth living, we can’t have a society that says that some lives are worth more than others.” “This idea that we have to make things accessible and culturally relevant and meaningful to folks is one of the things that, quite likely, could make the difference for kids who are thinking about ending their lives or kids who are thinking about living.” “The idea that you can recognize the kid who is suicidal just by looking at them is a myth.” “Kids can be distraught and not suicidal.” “One death by suicide is one death too many.” “Everyone can share the same loss but have a totally different experience of it.” Having a kid feel heard and validated, is, in and of itself, protective against suicide, says Dr. Jonathan Singer of @socworkpodcast. Listen in on how to talk to kids about suicide on the latest #talktokids podcastClick To Tweet One death by suicide is too many. @DrRobyn interviewed the fabulous Dr. Jonathan Singer about how to talk to kids about suicide-- the risks, the hope and what we can do and say to help our kids thrive. @socworkpodcastClick To Tweet Resources: @Socworkpodcast (Twitter) American Association for Suicidology: https://suicidology.org/ The Trevor Project: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/ https://translifeline.org/ If you LOVED this episode, please check out these… Lynn Kenney: How to Talk to Kids about Big Feelings & Calming Down Techniques Wendy Young: How to Talk to Kids about Anger & Big Feelings. Margie Warrell: How to Talk to Kids about Being Brave Jessica Lahey: How to Talk to Kids about the Gift of Failure Michele Borba: How to Talk to Kids about Empathy & Entitlement The post How to Talk to Kids about Suicide Risk and Prevention with Jonathan B. Singer, Ph.D., LCSW appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
61 minutes | Jun 29, 2021
How to Parent with Awareness with Dr. Dan Siegel – ReRelease
How to Parent with Awareness This podcast delves deep into the concept of awareness and how we can become more present in parenting, teaching and coaching when working with children. Using the Wheel of Awareness by Dr. Dan Siegel, we can get more centered and focus on what really matters. Becoming aware can be beneficial to our relationships, our mental health and our physical health! Parenting these days can be very reactionary. We have lots of pressure and little time and often many feelings of not being enough, constantly striving, competing with others and overall disconnection. We have big reactions or, perhaps we might say, our big reactions have us. But what if we practiced more aware parenting? What if we become more in touch with our own senses, our mental state, our bodies and our relationship to ourselves and to others and how our awareness could affect our parenting and our lives? When we become aware and reflective of our reactions and what is indeed feeding these reactions, we can become more receptive, calm, balanced, compassionate and positive in the way we parent our kids and more balanced in our own wellbeing. And imagine what we can teach our kids—by showing awareness and practicing awareness, we can then teach them to the do the same in their own lives. Is there a way to cultivate this awareness? Is there a way to teach our kids to practice awareness as children and teenagers? For these questions and more, we turn to our guest today, Dr. Dan Siegel. Dr. Siegel is a clinical professor of psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine and the founding co-director of the Mindful Awareness Research Center at UCLA. He is also the Executive Director of the Mind-sight Institute which focuses on the development of mind-sight, which teaches insight, empathy, and integration in individuals, families and communities. Dr. Siegel has published extensively for both the professional and lay audiences. His four New York Times bestsellers are: Mind: A Journey to the Heart of Being Human, Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain, and two books with Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D: The Whole-Brain Child and No-Drama Discipline. His other books include: The Developing Mind (2nd Ed.), The Pocket Guide to Interpersonal Neurobiology, Mind-sight, The Mindful Brain, The Mindful Therapist, The Yes Brain (also with Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D), and his book Aware, coming out this month. Dr. Siegel also serves as the Founding Editor for the Norton Professional Series on Interpersonal Neurobiology which contains over sixty textbooks. The podcast provides: Tips: How to parent with awareness and how awareness can impact all different parts of parenting and relationships How trauma or past “baggage” can affect parenting and how being aware of this “baggage” can help this problem. A discussion of the wheel of awareness and how this tool can be used by parents and kids. Scripts: How to Talk to Kids through the wheel of awareness Important Messages: Awareness helps us out doing old habits. When you are aware, you can make a choice that is different than being on automatic pilot. You can make your container of consciousness larger which helps you to make better choices. Being aware of your feelings—and you are in a threat stage- you are in fight, flight, flee or faint. These are primitive reactions to threat- awareness can help you think through the impulse. You are looking for the pause. We can change the size of our container of consciousness—the “salt” is like the challenge of life. Is the container huge or tiny? You can use the picture of a wheel of awareness for kids. For parents or other adults, you can move through the different segments of the wheel from senses, to body awareness, etc. It distinguishes what you can be aware of as opposed to what you are currently aware of. The single point on the rim of the wheel of awareness doesn’t need to be the totality of reality. Your awareness, once expanded, dwarfs that one challenge so that it doesn’t overwhelm or take over—and you can make better choices. You put a buffer or a pause between the impulse and action. You are also cultivating a direct path to additional choices. Presence changes our relationships. It helps you to see things as close to the way they are as you can. When you are aware in parenting—if you are a child with a parent who is truly present, if you express something, the parent will do three things—(1) receive the signal, (2) make sense of the signal in an open way and (3) respond to what the child expresses in a timely and effective fashion. This is called contingent communication. Then the child is seen for who s/he authentically is. We LEARN who we are through the responses of our caregiver. When the caregiver is present, you learn who you are in an authentic way (secure attachment). When a parent doesn’t have presence, it can be impaired in all sorts of ways. This is insecure attachment. You don’t get to see yourself clearly in the words, face and eyes (and responses) of your caregiver. What you are given is a non-present connection. So what you see is more a product of the parent’s or caregiver’s judgment, expectations, pre-existing views of who you should be, who they wish you were, their disappointment in you. This is hidden behind the seen- all you can do as a little kid is soak all that in as if it’s the truth even when it’s not. (It’s one person’s perception, or exhaustion, or lack of skill or frustration—but Not the truth in it’s entirety.) You get a distorted or non-authetic perception view of who you are. This makes it challenging for the child to have presence. You can be fragmented or confused. As busy adults, overwhelmed parents, or overworked teachers- it’s hard not to filter life through our baggage. But once we differentiate our filters—the things that happened to us, our biases, our experiences, our judgments, from the truth and what’s really happening, we can be more present and become better parents, teachers and educators. When you feel yourself becoming reactionary, you can turn to your hub, the truth, what’s really happening, and it can become a source of serenity, tranquility, peace. Then the kids can start acting differently. You can carry this place within yourself and it can always be there for you. Everyone has a source of strength inside them that doesn’t require a switch on an object to turn it on. It’s something inside all of us and we can cultivate it. Parents can access this – when you feel like you can flip your lid- or feel overwhelmed—you can go to this hub and then a parent can be a reliable source of presence for his/her kids and ultimately for the self. Practice- focus attention- senses, internal sensations of the body, open awareness. Bring it on! Don’t control what you are focusing on- just let it all come. No matter how uncomfortable, you get some clarity. You gain a sense of openness. Connection. Joy. Even if it’s stressful, you have presence. COAL state of mind. Attention, awareness, Intention. Cultivate these three things. This brings on positive changes. Three pillars in one practice. (Available to stream on Dan’s website, link below). Third brain- gut. What you say to yourself can have a great impact. There is too much separation of self. But when you light other people’s candle, you don’t lose anything yourself—but you make the world a better place. We are “mwe.” Don’t get rid of the wax- the me- but also we are a we- we are the light that can light other people’s candle. The self is a “me plus a we.” Who you are is way more than your body. Help kids tune into what’s inside them (reflective) and the importance of relationships (relationships) and resilience- they are coming from a grounded place. Build this into growth mindset (Dweck) and grit (Angela Duckworth) you are really getting somewhere. When you pursue your passion and you find your purpose- it means you get pleasure from it and have proclivity for it AND it is of service to others then you get persistence (grit!). You get a yes approach to life (Siegel- Yes brain- presence). Then “mwe” can cultivate a brighter world. You can develop presence and go from reactivity to receptivity. Notable Quotables: We can use our minds and our relationships to change our lives, the structure of our brains and even improve the health of our bodies by using awareness.” “When you are conscious of something you actually have the ability to change what you are doing and to make a choice.” “When you are aware, you can make a choice that is different than the one you might make when you are on automatic pilot.” “This wheel of awareness is really exciting because whether you are 5 or 55, you can use it to change your life.” “You can have an impulse and then a space between the impulse and the action that makes all the difference in developing what we call emotional intelligence and social intelligence.” “Presence is a receptive, open state of awareness that is not being restricted, constrained or filtered by a bunch of preconceived ideas, judgments or altered perception.” “We learn who we are through the responses of our caregiver. When the caregiver is present, you learn who you are in an authentic way. When a parent doesn’t have presence, it can be impaired in all sorts of ways. This is insecure attachment. “Everyone has a source of strength inside them that doesn’t require a switch on an object to turn it on. It’s something inside all of us and we can cultivate it. Then we learn to be present for others and ultimately, present for ourselves.” “If I say, ‘I hate myself,’ I actually activate circuitry of hatred in my brain towards me! If I say; ‘you’re doing fine,’ I actually activate kind regard towards myself. When you do this for other people, you don’t just activate empathy of compassion but also empathic joy as in ‘I really wish joy and success for other people.’” “It’s as if the culture wants a child to think of himself as a candle and who they are is the wax of the candle. They should have the shiniest wax to distinguish themselves and in middle school or high school or college they will be assessed on the shininess of their wax. Ultimately, you are trying to gain entry to the most elite graveyard. It’s a race to nowhere. And if you see another candle next to you, you want to blow out the flame so you are the only flame left. Then when you apply to a college, they’ll pick you. This gets in the way.” “Think about another way of living where you are not just the wax of the candle but also the light. And your job is to lean over and light other people’s wick. What did it take away from my flame to light someone else’s candle? Nothing. But it made the world a brighter place.” “It’s a ‘me plus a we.’ You are not a solo self. You are an inter-self and intra-self. We can make these changes in the world.” “You want to be competitive? Be competitive with the world’s problems. Let’s harness the capacity for collaboration and connection. There’s a lot of work for us to do!” “You can cultivate presence from the inside out.” How can we become more aware as parenting and teachers? You can cultivate presence from the inside out, says @DrDanSiegel. Find out how on #talktokids #podcastClick To Tweet Resources: www.DrDanSiegel.com Aware: The Science and Practice of Presence–The Groundbreaking Meditation Practice The Yes Brain: How to Cultivate Courage, Curiosity, and Resilience in Your Child Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain book The Whole-Brain Child Workbook: Practical Exercises, Worksheets and Activities to Nurture Developing Minds No-Drama Discipline Workbook: Exercises, Activities, and Practical Strategies to Calm The Chaos and Nurture Developing Minds The post How to Parent with Awareness with Dr. Dan Siegel – ReRelease appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
49 minutes | Jun 22, 2021
How to Talk to Kids about What Mentally Strong Kids Do with Amy Morin, LCSW
How to Talk to Kids about being Mentally Strong This podcast episode focuses on 13 things mentally strong kids can do to help themselves think big, feel good and act brave. Dr. Robyn Silverman interviews Amy Morin, LCSW, about tools and strategies they can use to ensure they don’t get stuck in a negative thought cycle or in negative feelings that don’t serve them. How can our kids take actions that bring them closer to what they want in life? This podcast episode on How to Talk to Kids about Anything provides the answers. Special Guest: Amy Morin, LCSW Do your tweens worry that they don’t fit in sometimes? Feel insecure? Wish that their lives looked as person as everyone else’s on social media? Being a tween can be tough in today’s world- especially during the past year of ups, downs, changes and question marks. Your tween is balancing a lot on their shoulders- homework, extracurricular activities, chores, friendship drama, family and all that growth and development—all while trying to the impression that they have it all together and they know what they are doing! Sometimes while they attempt to look perfect on the outside, they feel rotten on the inside- and today’s podcast episode is all about strengthening that inner person- becoming a better and stronger person takes some brain training and brain training takes tools so that they can develop healthy habits, build mental strength and take actions towards becoming their best selves. This week’s guest is someone who has been on the How to Talk to Kids about Anything podcast 3 times already- so this is her fourth- and that’s because she’s one of my favorites and definite a fan favorite as well. I am finding as I write my book, How to Talk to Kids about Anything, and write my chapters on talking to kids about mistakes and failure and dealing with big feelings, responsibility and self-reliance and coping with anxiety- the conversations that I’ve had with Amy Morin have come up again and again. So you will absolutely see Amy quoted in my book once it’s released- and she even wrote a very supportive comment about my forthcoming book in my proposal, for which I am extremely grateful. Bio Amy Morin is a psychotherapist and the editor-in-chief of Verywell Mind, the biggest mental health website in the world. Her TEDx talk, The Secret of Becoming Mentally Strong, is one of the most viewed talks of all time with more than 16 million views. She’s also an international bestselling author whose books on mental strength, including 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do, have been translated into more than 40 languages. Her new book is entitled 13 Things Strong Kids Do: Think Big, Feel Good, Act Brave. The podcast provides: How to help kids drop negative habits and adopt positive habits that allow them to exercise their mental strength How to regulate emotions that allow kids to feel good How to manage thoughts so they can think big and go after goals How to take positive actions and act brave so they can move forward How to think differently and challenge thoughts to realistic thoughts (not inflated thoughts or negative thoughts). Important Messages: Tweens need to know: Your brain lies to you sometimes. Just because your brain tells you that you are the worst soccer player on the field, doesn’t make that statement true. Emotions: It’s ok to feel whatever you are feeling. It’s okay to feel angry, sad or embarrassed but you don’t have to stay stuck in those emotions. Sometimes your feelings are a friend and sometimes your feelings are an enemy. We can change how we feel if they are being an enemy! Pick a mood buster when feelings are being an enemy! What makes you happy (i.e. pet your dog, draw, bake cookies, etc) Thoughts- how can you fake it until you make it? Act: You can either solve a problem or solve how you feel about a problem. If kids struggle with depression- studies show that they lack problem-solving skills. When kids are sad, frustrated, make a mistake—we want to teach them that they can DO something about it. They can feel empowered. What can they DO? Forgot math book at school they can call a friend, ask for extension, go back to the school to pick it up, etc. VS “I’m going to fail. There’s nothing I can do about it.” Sad thoughts vs self-pity thoughts. Self-pity- when you exaggerate the severity and the specificity and you underestimate your ability to cope. Sad- “Ugh- I didn’t do well on my science test. My friends did better. I’m really bummed- now I need to get extra help and that’s not fun.” Vs “I’m so stupid, I’m going to fail, I always do awful, I can’t go to school, I’ll never get a job, I won’t pass 6th grade, there’s nothing I can do about it.” Become helpless and hopeless. Throwing a pity party. Look for excuses so that you don’t have to do anything about it. “It’s not fair, It’s not my fault, there’s nothing I can do about it.” Someone who is in self-pity can’t even hear suggestions from a friend- they shoot them down. They might blame others. PITY: Self-pity- looking for why it’s not fair, why it’s not my fault and why I don’t have to take any responsibility or action or do anything about it. FRIENDSHIP: Drama of friendships. Changes. People have changed and yet you are still hanging out with them because you started hanging out with them in kindergarten! LANGUAGE: “My friend “makes me feel…” Actually, your friend doesn’t force you to feel bad about yourself. Or angry. You have choices. You have choices of how you respond. Skill- think before you feel. Take a moment. “How am I feeling right now?” Take a minute- you are in control with how you behave. What are the words that should come out of my mouth? You can empower yourself. You can sometimes speak up- but you don’t have to do that either. You can confront. You can “not talk” to them for a few days. You can make new friends. Middle school- friendship issues. Disruptive. Friends are their world. When someone doesn’t like them- someone is not talking to them. Give skills. Empower to ask for what they want. Empower them to make choices and not just settle. STEPS: Problem solving steps- When I’m uncomfortable with something, I can use these steps. S: State the problem, T- Think about possible solutions. (Talk to a parent, ask questions, 5 potential solutions), E- Evaluate- what’s good and what’s bad about each scenario, P- Pick one. S- See if it works! If it doesn’t work- try a different one! Empowered to take action. Feel better when you can plan or create change. RUMINATING VS GAINING CONTROL: Focus on things they have control over. For the worrying child- shift them out of ruminating cycle. What if it rains and I can’t have my outdoor party? What can you control? Can’t control other people. Can’t control the weather. What can you control? Your attitude, your effort, your own behavior. If your child replays stuck thoughts. Change the channel. Play game. Point out when you were sitting on couch, your thoughts were _______ but when you were playing a game, you changed the channel and thought _______. It can’t just be “just don’t think about…” That’s not helpful. Create a list of 5 things that change the channel. Do something. Go towards something instead of running away. Keep list handy. When perseverating- write name with non-dominant hand, go outside an pick 3 yellow flowers… RISKS Taking healthy risks. Don’t shy away of healthy risks. Don’t take unhealthy risks! Same kid might do crazy risks on skateboard but too scared to join the soccer team! Need to learn how to calculate risks. Anxiety alarms- we all have false alarms. Heart beats fast. Palms sweaty. For example, when about to give a speech. We think we can’t do it. But we can drive to work going 60 miles an hour but not think it’s scary. Meeting new people. Trying new things. Sometimes anxiety alarm should kick in “jump off this roof” but doesn’t—and sometimes anxiety alarm kids in when it shouldn’t “go to fabulous new camp, meet like-minded people.” Sometimes ring a little too loudly. Standing in front of class to give report is not life or death but alarm bells say it is. Ask; is it a safe situation? Body is reacting as if it’s life or death. Calculate risk. Even though it feels scary, doesn’t mean it’s actually risky. ARGUING THE OPPOSITE: Sometimes kids become reliant on us- when they say things like “I’m going to embarrass myself in front of other people at my dance recital” and we say “oh no, honey, you’ll be great!”. When alarms go off, we don’t want them to come to us to regulate. Instead, teach them to argue the opposite. What might be the opposite? “I’m going to do great at my recital.” Brain was dwelling on the worst case scenario. What are the other options? Friend didn’t answer text back- might go straight to “she doesn’t like me anymore” when it could be many things. Phone died, phone taken away, out of range, etc. When we provide the argument- they can fight against it. When it comes out of their own mouths, it feels much more like the truth! We want the “other voice” come from them. How do I talk back to this voice myself? They need these skills, tools and strategies to use when you aren’t there to calm them down. Research- “say your name” along with encouragement, can stick more. Takes emotion out of it- triggers brains- cheers ourselves on. Lebron James- “Lebron needs to do what’s best for Lebron.” Grabs attention. As if someone else is cheering you on. Pep talk. Comes from within. COMPARING SELVES: Body image, friendship quantity, how good at sport, academically inclined, artistic. How do we talk to kids about these comparisons? Social media- so easy to compare. Fake so often. Buying it. Educate them. Not necessarily real or true or accurate. Look at people as opinion-holders rather than competitors. If someone did well, doesn’t mean you can’t- doesn’t mean they are better than you- maybe you can learn from them! You can do better the next time. You can be happy for others and celebrate their success. “I want to be confident”- doesn’t just happen by sitting on the couch. You have to act confident first! Shake someone’s hand. Look them in the eye. Say “it’s nice to see you!” Feelings often follow. Who do you want to be? How do you want to be your best self? Keep eyes on own lane. Thinking when someone has it all together- but they been falling apart in other ways. That person has struggles too. Celebrities with problems. Mental health. Tween celebrity who has gotten a divorce. Look at IG together. Based on what you are seeing here- would you ever know that this person has struggles? Behind the social media, there are issues. Many kids have the same struggles. Talk about it! Often kids think they are the only one! Ask questions: Do you think X has never felt secure? What would happen if they were happy all the time? Have to be sad to be grateful to be happy. Think kids might feel the same as you? Unrealistic to think others are happy all the time. We know all our feelings but not everyone else’s! Shoebox idea: Put in the shoebox how they see themselves. Put on the outside how they show themselves to the outside world. Magazines. Photos. Words. Draw. Poems. Would your classmates be surprised by what they see in the shoebox? Differences between the inside and outside. Who wouldn’t be surprised about what they see on the inside? What if OTHER people had a shoebox- do you think you’d be surprised by what others have in “their shoebox?” Polled parents- kids struggling the most with persistence. Worse since pandemic. So important. Hard living in an Amazon world where everything comes in 24 hours- but if we want to become better in math or better in soccer- that doesn’t happen unless we do it for a longer period of time. Kids need to learn how to work hard- they should always be doing something that’s kind of hard and takes a while to do. Quitting is okay when they’ve gotten some perspective, tried it for an agreed amount of time, and then want to move on to something else. It’s hard to put in the work to get good. If it were easy- then we’d all do it. Have the conversation- “it’s hard to keep working on something when it’s tough. Lots of emotions. Normal to feel XYZ.” Exercise: Write yourself a kind letter. “Life is tough, you can do this.” Have it come from their words. Pull out their letter. When it comes from their words- they know they can motivate themselves. When it’s in their own words, it’s the truth! Treat mental strength like physical strength. It’s an exercise. You’ve got to keep practicing. Try new exercises each month. Kids will build their own tool box. Tools they can rely on. Go through ages. “I can think differently. I can feel differently and I have the power to take positive action no matter what life throws at me.” Notable Quotables: “It’s ok to feel whatever you are feeling. It’s okay to be angry, it’s okay to be sad, it’s okay to be embarrassed but you don’t have to stay stuck in those emotions when they aren’t serving you well.” “Kids have the ability to solve a problem or solve how they feel about a problem.” “When we have a self-pity party, we look for more evidence of why it’s not fair, why it’s not your fault and why you don’t have to do anything about it.” “You want to teach kids- ‘what can you control?’ Your attitude. Your effort. Your own behavior.” “We need to teach kids at a young age that just because something might feel scary, doesn’t actually mean that it’s actually risky.” “We want that ‘other’ voice to come from the kids themselves so they can learn; ‘how can I reframe my own negative thoughts?’ ‘how do I talk back to this voice myself?’ so that they have those skills, tools and strategies so that later on in life, when you’re not there to calm them down or to tell them ‘no, honey, you’ll be fine’ you want them to know; ‘how do I tell that to myself?’ or “what are some other things I can come up with?’” “Look at other people as opinion-holders rather than competitors.” “Treat mental strength like physical strength. It takes exercise! We have to keep practicing at it and we have to keep improving.” “Kids need to know that they can be empowered. They can say to themselves; “I can think differently. I can feel differently and I have the power to take positive action no matter what life throws my way.” WISE WORDS! Kids have the ability to solve a problem or solve how they feel about a problem, says @AmyMorinLCSW on #talktokids podcast. Let's give them the skills and tools.Click To Tweet We need to teach kids what they CAN control, says @AmyMorinLCSW on #talktokids podcast. That is, their attitude, their effort and their behavior. Listen in on how to raise mentally strong kids.Click To Tweet Resources: AmyMorinLCSW.com The original Forbes article, read by millions, that became the foundation of Amy Morin’s book: Book: 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do. Book: 13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do Book: 13 Things Strong Kids Do: Think Big, Feel Good, Act Brave. Amy’s Ted Talk Exercises to Increase Mental Strength Article How to Become Mentally Strong — The Interview If you LOVED this episode, please check out these… Lynn Kenney: How to Talk to Kids about Big Feelings & Calming Down Techniques Wendy Young: How to Talk to Kids about Anger & Big Feelings. Margie Warrell: How to Talk to Kids about Being Brave Jessica Lahey: How to Talk to Kids about the Gift of Failure Michele Borba: How to Talk to Kids about Empathy & Entitlement The post How to Talk to Kids about What Mentally Strong Kids Do with Amy Morin, LCSW appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
52 minutes | Jun 15, 2021
How to Talk to Kids about Tech Milestones & Digital Readiness with Devorah Heitner ReRelease
How to Talk to Kids about Tech Milestones & Digital Readiness This podcast provides specific tips and scripts to help parents and key adults assess whether their children are ready for various technology and to help ensure that kids are being responsible “digital natives.” Guest, Devorah Heitner discusses how we can be great models for our children, how to set limits collaboratively and how to stay curious about the way kids are using technology as they may be using it differently than the adults in their lives. Scripts and steps to success are provided. Special Guest: Devorah Heitner, PhD Devorah Heitner, PhD is the author of Screenwise: Helping Kids Thrive (and Survive) in Their Digital World and the founder of Raising Digital Natives. She passionately believes in the power of mentoring kids in creating a positive tech culture and she is delighted to be raising her own digital native. According to a Pew Research Center survey, 24 percent of teenagers are online “almost constantly,” so it’s essential that they know how to handle themselves there. While many parents and educators worry that kids can easily become addicted, detached, or distracted because of the way their digital devices have become a key component of their lives, we have now heard from several experts including innovation expert, George Couros, leadership & digital learning expert, Eric Sheninger, and others that technology can be a wonderful tool if used wisely. We know that we have recently been cautioned by Sue Scheff, author of ShameNation, about the need for education about online shaming and we have gained insight from Common Sense Media’s Caroline Knorr about the need to help our kids become media savvy in a media-saturated world. So, how do we raise our children, using our social wisdom in a world fueled by technology? Perhaps you feel like technology has invaded your home and isn’t always a welcomed guest? Our children haven’t known anything different- they are digital natives and our next guest believes that our kids need our guidance more than ever to supplement their digital use and understanding. The podcast provides: Guidelines for how you know your child is ready for a phone or tablet How adults can set a positive example for digital use Key issues to discuss as your child grows up during the digital age Warning signs that your child needs to unplug Tips: How to keep your child safe and ensure they are being respectful/respected online. Rules children impose on themselves when posting online. How to cope with differences in tech rules when at different people’s homes Scripts: For when your child is using technology too much and is detached. Script 2: Dealing with distraction of tech. Steps: Specific steps we can take to help ensure that we are more likely to be successful in setting limits and knowing what’s best to do (and the best time to do it). Important Messages: Technology has been transformative but it is also anxiety-provoking for parents. Nurture independent-decision making and thinking skills with your child before giving them the ability to text and get on social media. Talk to kids about how there are other people on the other end of the phone or social media. How might people feel? Talk to your kids about how some topics are too important or too heavy to talk about on tech or social media. Discuss balance and how kids (and you) can enforce balance around tech. Careful! If you are texting while driving, your children are observing this and they will learn that it’s ok. Mentor, don’t simply monitor. Parents can be so focused on prevention but our kids will make mistakes- and we need to be prepared to cope when a mistake is made. Sometimes it’s not about taking the tech away or getting rid of the app but rather making it less accessible. Kids often have good ideas about how to better cope with technology- ask them about it! Kids have some “rules” that they impose on themselves and others online. You can talk to your children about how you feel about the rules or lack of rules at someone else’s house. What limits are really important to you? “Tech-shaming” is when people look down on others depending on how they use tech. Discuss what your children can use as “brain breaks” from tech (i.e. yoga, bouncing a ball). Stay curious about your children’s tech use- they may be using it differently than you! Notable Quotables: “It’s really important to show kids that human-beings can’t be 24/7 assessable because we need to sleep and eat and spend face-to-face time with people and that’s something we can easily model for our children. It’s okay to NOT be reachable.” “Talk with kids about remembering that there is another human being on the other end of these digital communications. Think about your tone, how a comment on social media might be perceived or read, or how a picture we share might be experienced by someone who wasn’t or was there. Make choices while always recollecting that these are other human beings we are communicating with on the other end.” “I would encourage parents to not just give kids a hard limit on their tech devices but also talk to their kids about balance and why we want to do other things. Ask the kids what they think a good balance would be.” “As much as possible, we want to be collaborating and cocreating the solutions and approaches we are going to take regarding tech with our kids.” “We are giving kids and social media at one of the low points of judgment of all time which, for most kids, is middle school.” “It’s inevitable that kids will make mistakes and the good thing is if they have an open and trusting relationship with you, you can help them by helping them not by getting in the middle of it but to think about, ‘What are my options here? How can we move forward?’” “You can’t continue to go back to places that make you feel bad. I think it’s okay to let kids know that they don’t need to be part of everything and if something is making you feel retched, stand up for yourself. That might mean getting out of the conversation or confronting the person, depending on that person’s relative importance to them. Our kids need to know that they don’t have to just take it.” “When we techno-shame within communities and judge other people, we’re shutting down conversation. Instead, have a conversation about an issue we can address as opposed to ‘let me tell you why you are a bad person.’ We are all going to have different philosophies and once we start judging, it shuts people down.” “For all of us, our superpowers are enhanced by technology in some ways.” “If you can have a TV show or some kind of media that gives you a nice shared context with your kid, I think that’s really helpful.” “Stay really curious about what the app, the piece of the technology or the game really means to your kids. Don’t assume that they are using tech in the same way that you do. Ask, what are you really excited about? That will help you to understand why it’s so compelling for your kid and it will also help you to understand what some of the risks and challenges can be.” How do we #talktokids about Tech Milestones and Digital Readiness? @DevorahHeitner gives us the tips & scripts we need. #edtech #parentingClick To Tweet Love this “For all of us, our superpowers are enhanced by technology in some ways.” @DevorahHeitner gives us tips & scripts to help us all raise informed, responsible digital natives! #TalktoKids #podcastClick To Tweet Resources: www.RaisingDigitalNatives.com Screenwise: Helping Kids Thrive & Survive in Their Digital World TV program mentioned: The Fosters https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_The_Fosters_episodes The post How to Talk to Kids about Tech Milestones & Digital Readiness with Devorah Heitner ReRelease appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
46 minutes | Jun 8, 2021
How to Answer Kids’ Toughest Questions about Sex with Logan Levkoff, PhD
How to Answer Kids’ Toughest Questions about Sex This podcast focuses on answering some of kids’ toughest questions about sex and changing bodies. From puberty to erections, masturbation and what sex is, we’re going in! Dr. Robyn Silverman interviews sexuality educator and author, Dr. Logan Levkoff on the latest episode of How to Talk to Kids about Anything. Special Guest: Dias Logan Levkoff, PhD Parents, much to their surprise, have a great influence on their kids’ attitudes and values around sex, body exploration and relationships. While kids might tell you that they absolutely, positively do not want to talk to their parents (of all people) about sex or dating, the studies reveal something completely different. Perhaps you remember when we had Richard Weissbourd of Harvard University on the show and he told us that his research continually shows that kids want to have these conversations with their parents—and not just once- they want to have lots of conversations about this information over time. They want the knowledge and they want the guidance. Now I know we’ve talked about the topic of sex before on this show—we’ve talked to Dina Alexander, Richard Weissbourd, Peggy Orenstein, Cara Natterson, and Bonnie J Rough about how to get at this difficult topic- we’ve also talked to Gail Dines about pornography and how that fits into this discussion too. But you know what? I think we are still uncomfortable about this topic. Would you agree? And as I’m currently writing the chapter of my book, How to Talk to Kids about Anything, on talking to kids about sex and synthesizing the research, all the hours of interviews we’ve done on this show about this topic, and telling you my own tips, scripts, stories and steps- I thought, let’s bring someone on who can get at some of our toughest questions. Questions that make us squeamish and yet, we still need to answer them for the health and wellbeing of our children. So are you ready? I am too. Let’s do it together. Bio Logan Levkoff is an internationally recognized expert on sexuality and relationships, Dr. Logan Levkoff encourages honest conversation about sexuality and the role it plays in our culture. Logan makes it clear that sex and sexuality are not “dirty” words; she works to create an environment where people feel comfortable asking (and getting answers to) their most personal questions. Logan empowers children, adolescents, and adults to embrace their sexuality and challenge the impractical, and often unhealthy, messages that they are exposed to. Logan frequently appears on television including Good Morning America, The Today Show, The Rachael Ray Show, The CBS Early Show, Oprah, Fox News Channel, and CNN. She was the host of CafeMom’s show, Mom Ed: In the Bedroom, the sexuality expert for the first three seasons of the breakout hit for A&E/FYI, Married at First Sight, and is the host of Shape Magazine’s video series, “The Sexpert.” Logan is the author of several books including Got Teens? The Doctor Moms’ Guide to Sexuality, Social Media, and Other Adolescent Realities with Dr. Jennifer Wider. She lives in New York City with her husband, son, and daughter. Important Messages: Don’t just give information- impart skills! Health care, STI testing, relationship skills, negotiation skills, how to use condoms and other forms of contraception. Even shopping skills- shopping for tampons, deodorant, bras, condoms. Critically important skills- we tend to focus on the information and not on the actionable skills. This becomes the parent’s wheelhouse. Some schools provide time for sexologists to give talks about contraception and demonstrate how to use it- but some don’t. The best sex-ed programs partner with the community at large. Parents need to ask questions about what their kids are learning. Sex educators are supplementing not taking the lead on info the kids need to learn about sex. Go shopping! See the products that are out there. They’ve changed a great deal over the years. Innovations- condoms and sexual health products. 5 Things impact everyone-puberty. The majority of things that happen during puberty happen to everyone! Fosters a sense of respect and empathy- no need to go to “the boys’ side” and “the girls’ side.” Most of what happens in puberty to kids is the same. The parts that are different are for the same reason- to activate reproductive system to give choices in the future. All bodies have the innate capacity for pleasure. Disservice to girls when we only focus male bodies and the pleasure that comes with erections and ejaculation. Puberty is a complicated time where you are navigating physical changes, emotional changes and social changes but there are a lot of positives- a sense of independence, understanding ourselves before sharing ourselves with the world around us, a need for privacy. “You are about to embark on a transitional time that is not an overnight change. Lots of kids think it only takes about 1 year! Nope! It’s 5-7 years. There’s a lot going on- not always visible to the eye. It’s a long process. Your body and your feelings- you are going to embark on this time that takes a lot of years but you are going to change into a more mature person. You are still my child- my teen- I’m not throwing you to the wolves. It’s a journey- and it’s a journey where you’ll have a lot of questions- I’m going to be here to navigate that time, and if I don’t have an answer to your questions, I am committed to getting them for you.” Most of what kids need to know about puberty is the same. The few parts that are different happen for the same reason! They happen to activate the reproductive system so you have choices in the future. You don’t have to use your body in that way- but that’s what puberty is for- to give you options. We do a disservice to girls when we talk so much about erections and ejaculations as pleasure and only talk about reproduction for girls. The clitoris is made out of the same erectile tissue as the penis. In utero the erectile tissue becomes either the penis or the clitoris. Don’t see it in same way- but it’s still there and still for the same reason. If you have a vulva and vagina, you have erectile tissue too! Each parent, regardless of body parts, has an important perspective. They can model respect for others, respect for bodies, consent, relationships. Think about your upbringing. What were the messages you got about sex and sexuality and your body growing up? How might your life or your experience be different if the information you received about sex, sexuality and your body was different? This is the mantra you need to think about. Push yourself through the discomfort because we know what’s at stake. Sex: Defining sex. What is sex? We have the assumption that when someone mentions sex, we are talking about penis in vagina intercourse. That’s one type of sex. Sex is: A range of behaviors in which people share their bodies with one another.” That can be genital-genital, genital-oral, genital-anal. The idea is that sex describes something that is deeply personal and intimate during which comes the capacity for pleasure and also comes with big responsibilities. There’s no hierarchy that some things “count” more than others- don’t want to be hetero-normative and suggest that the only people capable of having sex are heterosexual people. For all of these ways we share our bodies are deeply personal and intimate. They should be pleasurable. And we should think of them in terms of “how do we manage outcomes?” “How do we make smart decisions?” “How do we negotiate behaviors?” When you think about it- the only thing that is different is pregnancy! Most of the potential outcomes—and let’s say outcomes instead of consequences because some of them are positive- are really the same. Ask your child; “what do you think sex is?” The likelihood is that they’ve been exposed to information or messages that are aligned with your values—and maybe they are not. Find out what they know and think they know. Gives them time to prep answer and also tells you what gaps you need to fill in for them. You can give facts and values at the same time! We don’t need to be perfect and comfortable. “I want to talk to you about this and I think you are ready to have these conversations. I want you to know that I didn’t have these conversations and some of this is new to me but I know how important it is so I’m going to push through the discomfort because I know you deserve the information.” (Then you can really say anything after that!) Fact, Fiction and Phraseology (Masturbation) Some people may have heard that kids who masturbate are possessed, have been sexually abused, are dirty, will go blind if they do it too much and lack a moral compass. Is there any facts, is this all complete fiction, and what should we say to our children about people who masturbate? (Complete fiction! Scientific information: There are images of fetal masturbation! Let’s not use the word “dirty” as it creates a binary of cleanliness and dirtiness, good and bad- shouldn’t be used to describe people’s sexuality.) Being curious about your body is basically one of the tenants of being a human being. We all have these parts- and all have the capacity for pleasure. None of us have to be dependent on another person to give us pleasure. We don’t have to seek it out from someone else- we don’t have to get it from unhealthy or unequal partnerships because we know what our bodies are capable of. There’s no magical age that you are deemed a ‘sexual being’ and someone else flips that switch in you. That is not true and doesn’t work. Regardless how comfortable you are with masturbation, it’s a very typical part of human development at all stages of life and has some great benefits. You understand what your body is capable of, you understand what the norm is for your body, what it looks like, how it feels, how you experience things. From a medical/health perspective, it’s important to know when things are off or unusual for your body- and we aren’t able to know that when we don’t know the norm for our bodies. We tend to forget that. “If there hasn’t been a time already, there may come a time when you are incredibly curious about your body, what it feels like, what it can do. Please know that it is your right, in a space that is personal and private to you, where you feel comfortable to you to explore that body. It’s completely normal if you do, and completely normal if you don’t.” Toddlers might put their hands down their pants at the dinner table- you can tell them to stop a million times and it make no difference! As we approach puberty- we are all entitled to some privacy. And it’s a good time to set some rules around knocking on doors for your child and the adult. We can set up this conversation as “you have the right to privacy, you can have the freedom to explore your body in ways that feel right to you and there’s nothing wrong with being curious about your genitals and how they work.” Many people have expressed that young children should not touch their bodies, explore their bodies or masturbate. It’s often thought of as too sexual for a young child to be doing something like that. Fact, fiction and how do we talk about this with our children? (Fiction!) We have parts that feel good- from head to toe. At any time during the day, you might rub your hand, and there are nerve-endings that make that touch feel good. This is not to be deliberately sexual. We are all sexual beings from birth to death. We express that sexuality differently throughout our lives. People typically have a hard time thinking of children as sexual beings because in our heads we conflate that with being deliberately, actively sexual. Masturbation as a teen or adult might be deliberately sexual- but for young children, it’s soothing, it’s exploration, it’s not the same as we see it as an adult. Some religions posit that masturbation is simply wrong so body exploration and masturbation should make someone feel guilty and shameful. Fact, fiction, and how should we talk about this with our kids? Can’t answer as fact/fiction- lots of religious, spiritual, cultural values around masturbation and sex. Not going to tell anyone they are not entitled to their own opinion and belief system. There’s a difference between giving young people your family’s values and lying to them. You can say; “we don’t believe in these things or we don’t support them because our religious values are XYZ,” but don’t say; “you are going to go blind, you’ll grow hair on your palms, not successful in life because they explore their bodies.” Facts are important and they’ll figure it out. If the find out that you’ve been lying to them either deliberately or inadvertently- we really use lose future conversations and that would be a shame for everyone involved.” Erections: The likelihood that boys (or those with a male body) know that their penis has the ability to get hard and will stick out. “Do you know why changes happen to the penis? During the next few years, there will be times when you can control what your penis does and it gets hard- and there will be times when you can’t control what your penis does and it gets hard. And the reason for it is that it’s made of this spongy tissue and blood rushes to it- and if you think of a sponge, a sponge will absorb water and expand, the penis will absorb the blood and expand and this causes it to get hard. It’s going to happen at a time when it’s totally convenient for you and it’s going to happen at a time when it’s totally inconvenient for you. Let’s think about strategies- what if you get your period at school for the first time and you’re not prepared? What if you get an erection in school and your not prepared? What can you do? Wait a few minutes. Put a notebook in front of you. Strategies in case they happen- so they can feel more comfortable. They happen! Teach empathy- there may be a time that it happens to someone else- don’t make them feel badly about it- it’s not their fault!” Focus on this idea that sexuality is a pleasurable and empowering part of our lives. It’s pleasurable emotionally and physically- and this happens when we have the tools to understand our bodies. It’s hard to feel pleasure when there is guilt, shame and lack of knowledge! Be positive and empowering. It’s confusing. Some isn’t great- like pimples! But there is some good here- choices of the future! Often asked. What if young people don’t want to talk to me? “Well, that’s too bad for them.” Guardians need to be able to say- “I know you don’t want to have this conversation with me. I get it. You know a lot. You’ve gotten this information from your friends and a whole host of sources but I really want to have these conversations with you- less for you and more for me. Because when I signed up to become a parent, I made certain promises- one of which was that I was going to help create a generation of young people who felt empowered by their sexuality. Who knew how to make good decisions—so that’s on me. I have not done my job if I am not sending you into the world with the right tools.” Put some of the onus on you. Give tools. Resources. Want us to have a conversation about some of these things. Not every adult has wonderful, consensual, equitable sexual experiences growing up and can’t have these conversations with their young people. You can use a proxy! Other adults in our lives who we adore and who we trust (and who are kids adore and trust) who can have these conversations with our young people. Nobody does it perfectly. We all make mistakes. The learning and growth comes from admitting that we make mistakes and have made mistakes but we are still trying! Notable Quotables: “When we talk about providing information to our young people, it’s not just information and values that we impart, we have to impart skills as well.” “As sexuality educators we are merely supplementing what parents are doing at home all of the time. Often times, parents flip it and believe that the sexuality educators are the ones who are solely responsible but we get limited time with young people! Most of it falls on the parents.” “The majority of things that happen during puberty happen to everyone regardless of your assigned sex and regardless of how you identify your gender.” “The purpose of puberty is to activate the reproductive system to give you options in the future.” “When we focus on the similarities and shared experiences, we develop a great deal of respect for each other.” “Our words and our experiences still matter, even if they aren’t identical [to our children’s].” “How might your life- your experience- been different if the information you received was different? This is the mantra for parents and caregivers to always think about because that’s the motivation for doing things a bit differently if we didn’t get the best information. To push ourselves through the discomfort because what’s at stake.” “We are all sexual beings from birth to death. We express that sexuality differently throughout our lives. People typically have a hard time thinking of children as sexual beings because in our heads we conflate that with being deliberately, actively sexual.” “Facts are important…If the find out that you’ve been lying to them either deliberately or inadvertently- we really use lose future conversations and that would be a shame for everyone involved.” If you stumble, you actually move forward, says this week's guest on How to Talk to Kids about Anything podcast. Listen in to @DrJaniceJ discuss how to raise optimistic, change-making girls.Click To Tweet Resources: LoganLevkoff.com Social Media: @LoganLevkoff Got Teens? The Doctor Moms’ Guide to Sexuality, Social Media, and Other Adolescent Realities (with Dr. Jennifer Wider) Mentioned on podcast: Amaze.org (age-appropriate videos on body or sex-related topics) The post How to Answer Kids’ Toughest Questions about Sex with Logan Levkoff, PhD appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
52 minutes | Jun 2, 2021
How to Help Behaviorally-Challenging Kids Gain Skills & Solve Problems with Dr. Ross Greene – ReRelease
How to Help Behaviorally-Challenging Kids Gain Skills & Solve Problems This podcast will focus on how to help all kids— and especially behaviorally-challenging children, to gain lagging skills and solve problems to that they can thrive. Dr. Ross Greene gives us both the strategies and the scripting to work through lagging skills and problem solve, one at a time, so that tantrums and blowouts occur less frequently and life goes more smoothly for everyone. When I was newly married and still in graduate school for my PhD, I read a book called “The Explosive Child,” and still remember the opening scene talking about a child who had planned to have a waffle in the morning and upon finding out that that waffle was already eaten by a sibling, reacted extremely and explosively. Without children myself at the time, I, of course thought that I wouldn’t possibly have children who would ever tantrum be inflexible— and then, you find yourself in the kitchen years later listening to your child fall apart because his sibling took the broken piece of plastic that was clearly his and you realize “oh. Right. Here we are.” Because we all see it happen— as parents, educators, coaches. We may not always talk about it— but all kids have moments, from time to time, when they struggle to handle life’s expectations, stick to the routine, follow the plan and do what they are asked— but what about the children with significant behavioral challenges who seem to have more of those moments— moments that can be marked with crying, whining and withdrawing or more extreme behaviors like hitting, kicking, swearing or spitting? How can we help behaviorally challenging children who may be chronically inflexible or easily frustrated to problem solve and thrive at home, in school and in our communities? For this, we will be turning to best selling author and psychologist, Dr. Ross Greene. Dr. Ross Greene served on the faculty at Harvard Medical School for over 20 years, and is now adjunct Associate Professor in the Department of Psychology at Virginia Tech and adjunct Professor in the Faculty of Science at the University of Technology Sydney in Australia. He is the author of the influential, well-known best-selling books The Explosive Child and Lost at School as well as Raising Human Beings, Lost and Found and Lost in School and has helped to bring about an upcoming documentary called “The Kids We Lose.” He is a fierce and articulate advocate for the compassionate understanding and treatment of behaviorally challenging kids and their caregivers. Drawing upon vast clinical and consultation experience and research in the neurosciences, his innovative, research-based Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (CPS) approach – which posits that challenging behavior is the result of lagging skills (rather than lagging motivation) and emphasizes solving problems collaboratively (rather than use of motivational procedures) – has been implemented in countless families and hundreds of schools, inpatient units, and residential and juvenile detention facilities. The Collaborative & Proactive Solutions model helps parents, teachers, and kids work together to solve problems in a way that respects our kids while supporting them in improving their behavior. Dr. Greene is also the founder of Lives in the Balance, which aims to provide resources and programs to caregivers of behaviorally challenging kids, address the issues that cause many of these kids to slip through the cracks; and to promote practices that foster the better side of human nature in all children. The podcast provides: Why kids exhibit challenging behaviors Why clear consequences isn’t the final answer How to stop doing “Plan A” and start doing “Plan B” Why Dr. Greene says “Kids do well when they can.” What to do when your child is in the midst of a tantrum or blowout Scripting: How to problem solve with your child Why just providing the expectations isn’t enough Important Messages: There are a lot of kids who are being mistreated and counterproductive tools being used. The poor behavior is signaling that the child is having trouble meeting expectations. Research has shown us- the kids who are behaviorally challenging to the extreme are lacking skills NOT motivation. Adult imposed consequences do affect behavior- the problem is those interventions are entirely focused on the kid’s behavior. But if behavior is just the signal of lagging skills, then all we are really focused on when we are doing the sticker chart, the time-out, or worse, a spanking, is the signal. But we aren’t solving any of the problems that are causing those signals. Plan A (rewards and punishments- adult will- which causes poor behavior), Plan B (problem solving and working on lagging skills- collaboratively as a teammate), Plan C (removing expectations due to prioritizing other important lagging skills and problems for now- if you remove the expectation, you won’t have the behavior). Top priority- safety issues. Next, frequency or gravity (greatest negative impact). Pick two or three. Prioritize. Set aside the others until you solve the key, prioritized problems. Stay out of the heat of the moment— if you are in it, defuse, de-escalate, keep everybody safe. Figure out what the key unsolved problems and lagging skills and the child becomes a highly predictable kid and you will almost never find yourself in the heat of the moment again. Plan B (3 steps): (1) Empathy (what’s making it hard?), (2) Define adult concern step (What are the adult’s concerns?), (3) Invitation to problem solve- realistic (both parties can do their part) and mutually satisfactory (the solution addresses the concerns both parties). Plan A has been our definition of authority for so long. It is really tragic. You are much more an authority figure when you are working wit the kid to solve problems than when you are imposing your will, becoming the enemy and making it adversarial. This has been unnecessary for so long. If adults have concerns, plan B is going to get them addressed far more durably and farm more reliably than plan A. Adults must try the empathy step— and then they are doing this collaboratively rather than going it alone. Problem solving must be done as a team. When they don’t know why it’s hard for them: “I’m not mad at you, buddy. I really want to understand why this is hard for you.” Reassure. Be quiet so we leave room for the child to talk (we adults like to talk- come in with theories). Five fingers: Five= very true, 4= pretty true, 3= sorta true, 2= not very true, 1= not true at all. (Make statements) Sometimes it’s not the kids who aren’t clear about the expectations— it’s the parents who are unclear. Then we need to work on them! Most kids— even behaviorally challenging kids- are meeting expectations— what we have to do is identify the ones that they aren’t meeting reliably. And then do Plan B. Counterproductive- remind, remind, remind, lower the boom. But what is getting in the kid’s way? Great way to end communication, great way to mess up your relationship with this kid, great way for the kid not to feel heard. If “cleaning up their mess” is not a top priority, then we aren’t going to expect him to clean up his mess. If it is a top priority, then it’s Plan B. Not going to solve it in the heat of the moment. If you’ve already come up with solutions and it’s not working, you address it as “remember our solution? Is this a sign that it’s not working- and that we need to revisit?” Otherwise, it hasn’t been identified yet as an unsolved problem. Notable Quotables: “Kids do well when they can.” “If we solve the problems that are causing our children’s challenging behavior, instead of modifying the behavior, the problems get solved, the behavior improves and best of all the skills the kid is lacking get taught.” Adult imposed consequences do affect behavior- the problem is those interventions are entirely focused on the kid’s behavior. But if behavior is just the signal of lagging skills, then all we are really focused on when we are doing the sticker chart, the time-out, or worse, a spanking, is the signal. But we aren’t solving any of the problems that are causing those signals. “Time-outs don’t solve problems and time-outs don’t teach skills. Detentions don’t. Suspensions don’t. Expulsions don’t. Hitting a kid doesn’t. So all of these things we’ve been doing to modify behavior have a pretty decent track record of modifying the behaviors but a terrible track record for solving the problems that are causing those behaviors or teaching kids the skills that they are lacking to change those behaviors.” “Here’s the good news: If you solve the problems, the behaviors subside.” “We could go after the behaviors and solve and teaching nothing. Or we can solve the problems, teach the skills and improve the behaviors. For me, it’s a three for one sale. A no brainer!” “If a kid could do well he would do well.” “One of the most important things we can do for a kid, as an adult, is find out why he is having trouble meeting those expectations.” “Every kid has an expectation that they are having difficult reliably meeting. It’s just that the behaviorally challenging kids often have many unsolved problems— often 40, 50, 60 unsolved problems.” “Caregivers find it more difficult to talk about certain unsolved problems than others but I don’t rank unsolved problems.” Adult: “I’ve noticed you’ve had trouble taking the trash out on Tuesday mornings. What’s up?” Child: “I forget.” Drilling strategies (reflect back): “You forget, can you tell me more about that?” Child explains. “Got it. So you want to take the trash out, but you forget that it’s Tuesday and by the time you hear the trash truck, it’s too late. Do I have that right?” Next drilling strategy: Summarize & Ask for more. “Is there anything else making it hard to take out the trash on Tuesday mooring?” (Child explains). Reflect. “Ahh, the trash is stinky- is that what you’re saying?” (child agrees). “And that makes it hard to take the trash out?” (Child agrees). Summarize. “So there are two reasons you have trouble taking the trash out on Tuesdays: you forget and it’s stinky.” Ask for more. “Are there any other reasons you have trouble taking the trash out on Tuesdays?” (Child says no.) Prioritize. “Which of those two would you say is more important? The forgetting or the stinky.” (The forgetting). “Good to know. Let me tell you what my concern is about the difficulty taking out the trash out (Define the adult concern). “If you forget to take the trash out on Tuesday morning, one of two things is going to happen. Either I’ll have to do it or since I think you’re going to do it, the trash just piles up…” Invitation. “I wonder if there’s a way (recap the concerns of both parties) for us to to do something there’s something we can do to make sure you don’t forget to take the trash out on Tuesday mornings and also make sure we don’t have this big pile of trash accumulating outside of our house.” (Give kid first crack- show interested) “Any ideas?” (Child: Is there a way we can remind me?”) “We can remind you. But in the past when I’ve reminded you it hasn’t gone over too well. Is there a way to remind you that wouldn’t annoy you?” (Child: I can put it in my iphone). Repeat. “You could put a reminder in your calendar in your iPhone to take the trash out on Tuesday mornings?” (Yeah, then you wouldn’t have to remind me with that nasty tone of yours). “Let’s think of that is realistic. Can you put it in your phone to take the trash out Tuesday mornings?” (yes.). “Let’s think if it’s mutually satisfactory. Would it address your concern of remembering to take the trash out on Tuesday mornings?” (Yes). “It would certainly address my concern of not having the trash pile up outside our house. Should we run with that solution and see how that goes? And if it doesn’t work we’ll get back together and talk about it and come up with one that works better. Thanks for talking to me, buddy!” “The reason why adults lose their minds is because they are flying solo. The reason adults- teachers- parents- lose their minds and blow their gaskets is that they haven’t been partnering with the kid on solving the problem- they don’t really know what’s getting tin their kid’s way because they haven’t asked. They’ve been coming up with it all on their own! They have been applying their own solutions— they think they know!” “It’s really sad. We have kids who feel like there is no point in talking because nobody’s listening!” “There is no harm in reminding a child of an expectation. There is tremendous harm in immediately thinking of a consequence on an expectation a kid is having difficulty meeting, when that consequence is going to give you no information whatsoever about what is making it hard to meet that expectation.” “The number one complaint I get from kids? They won’t listen to me. The number one complaint I get from adults? They won’t talk to me. I wonder why.” “People are at their worst in the heat of the moment.” Here’s the good news: If you solve the problems, the behaviors subside, says Dr. Ross Greene, author of The Explosive Child, on #talktokids #podcast. Get the tips & scripts right here.Click To Tweet Resources: The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children by Dr. Ross Greene Lives in the Balance (Dr. Greene’s website) Lost at School: Why Our Kids With Behavioral Challenges are Falling Through the Cracks and How We Can Help Them by Dr. Ross Greene Raising Human Beings: Creating a Collaborative Partnership with Your Child by Dr. Ross Greene Lost and Found: Helping Behaviorally Challenge Students (and While You’re At It, All the Others) by Dr. Ross Greene The Kids We Lose (upcoming documentary) Assessment of Lagging Skills and Unsolved Problems (ALSUP): https://www.livesinthebalance.org/paperwork The post How to Help Behaviorally-Challenging Kids Gain Skills & Solve Problems with Dr. Ross Greene – ReRelease appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
47 minutes | May 25, 2021
How to Attune, Set Limits and Problem-Solve with Children in Difficult Moments with Heather Turgeon & Julie Wright ReRelease
How to Attune, Set Limits and Problem-Solve with Children in Difficult Moments This podcast will focus on the ALP system, developed by Heather Turgeon and Julie Wright. We will discuss how to “Attune” so our children know we understand what the frustration is, “Limit-Set” so our children understand what they can and can’t do and “Problem-Solve” so they know the options of what is appropriate and can take action in a positive way. The three-step-system allows parents to rely on a helpful tool in frustrating situations when we may otherwise fall into a habit of reacting harshly or giving-in to our children’s behavior just to get through the day. Perhaps you’ve made the mistake of cutting your child’s sandwich into triangles instead of squares. Or you’ve dealt with siblings that won’t stop fighting, a child who refuses to get out of bed or cries when you try to leave the house. And perhaps your child’s struggles, tantrums, refusals, frustrations have gotten a little bit under your skin and made you hot under the collar— and while you tell yourself to be patient and loving, you start yelling, threatening, bribing or caving under the pressure. We get it. SO many parents feel helpless, desperate and frustrated when their kids just won’t cooperate or seem so unreasonable and you are just trying to get out of the house, get them to bed or get dinner on the table. My guests today will give us what to do and say in these moments using their ALP system that they’ve taught thousands of parents in their clinical practice over the years. Heather Turgeon MFT and Julie Wright MFT are the authors of the new book Now Say This: The right words to solve every parenting dilemma (Penguin RandomHouse), as well as the popular sleep book, The Happy Sleeper. Based in NYC and Los Angeles, they frequently speak and offer consultations to families on communication, setting limits with empathy, sleep, and more. Follow them on Instagram and Facebook @TheHappySleeper The podcast provides: What the ALP system is and how it works Signs that feelings are being obscured or pushed down Automatic vs attuned responses Examples of how to use the ALP system in specific situations How to attune with your kids Why we need limits and how to empty them How to involve your children in problem-solving Favorite tools to calm the household Important Messages: During typical frustrating issues, many people will harshly react or they will cave. ALP helps. ALP stands for Attune, Limit set and Problem Solve In the heat of the moment, we need to know what to say. Three steps help us to be warm, set a limit and problem solve. The tip of the iceberg— acting out behaviors- they are acting out their feelings in ways that are not appropriate. Temper tantrums, bad moods, not cooperative. But what are they happening? Once you attune, you’ll need to move to the limit-setting. Limits are important for safety, politeness, kindness. Limits give kids more time to learn, do and play. It must be consistent- if not, kids waste a lot of time trying to find out where the limit is. If we don’t take time to attune to our child and notice them— especially when they are trying to get our attention or approval, they will keep doing the behavior until you acknowledge it— they want you to see it! In the limit step, we say the limit and then we briefly say why. For example, “in our family, we don’t hit because hitting hurts people.” That way it doesn’t seem like just dictating rules. We’ve relied on rewards and punishments for so long. This doesn’t really work. Punishments can make kids hide their real feelings, lie and really angry. They aren’t really learning. We want our kids to be creative problem-solvers- not follow rules just because we say so. Think outside box. Supported by studies. Problem-solving is the most fun step. Creative. Solve dilemma and fulfill intention in a way that’s appropriate. You told them you understand what they want or don’t want, you told them what they can or can not do and now you’re going to help them get what they want in a way that’s appropriate. How much do you help them problem solve? Depends on age and ability- but the goal is to take yourself out of the picture because they will be adults one day. Scaffolding. Even when they are younger they can feel helpful. Problem-solving can be out of the box thinking. The problem solving can show that you understand, that you are going to hold the limit— but you can use a little humor, creativity. Attuning- show a joining and commiserating. Problem-solving. It’s hard to do transitions. Something that makes them want to do it. Snacks? Be close to parents? Different to help them realize that “when you do this, we’ll be able to do that” from “if you do this, you’ll get that.” Subtle but different. Getting work done and then you can do what you’d like. Related. PrepStep- work you do before ALP. Checking in- what’s best before the situation. Sportscaster tool- narrate what you see in front of you. Describe what’s going on but don’t take sides. “I hear that you are having a feeling- what’s going on?” Limit- we don’t kick.” Problem-solving. Do you need to take a moment with me to sit away in another room?” Child who wants a snack right before dinner: “It’s okay to be hungry. Food tastes so much better when you’re hungry! And we are leaving space in our bellies for dinner.” The good waiter: repeats and makes sure you heard them. Part of the attune step. You can get down at their level so they can really see your face and you can let them know you understand. Sportscaster- tool adopted by the kids. “I hear Mary saying _____, so can you repeat that back to her so she knows you hear her and understand?” Listening skill. Practice with kids when young. Notable Quotables: “The magic sauce of ALP is that it encompasses everything. You start by attuning, you lead into limit-setting and you end with problem-solving.” ~Heather Turgeon “We need to look beneath the surface of the iceberg to see what’s really going on.” ~Julie Wright “The ultimate goal is to have our children tell us how they feel and not act it out.” ~JW “When we attune, we need to pause and really take our children in- you are joining with how they are really feeling in that moment. Kneel down. Take a good look. It’s a connecting moment and they feel felt in that moment.” ~JW “Limit-setting does just that, it limits the world in a way that children feel that they can handle it and makes them less anxious. The world is too vast to be too open-ended and for them to have free reign. They know where the limit it is— it’s not unkind, it’s kind because the children feel safe.” ~JW If we are not consistent with limits, children spend a lot of time trying to find out where the limits are. And that’s a waste of time. ~JW “Take 10 seconds to attune to your child and your limit-setting will be so much more successful.” ~HT “When you set a limit, briefly say why. When you do that, children start to operate from a place of principle than just following a rule.” ~JW “If you are just paying attention to what’s visible- the tip of the iceberg- and you’re rewarding or punishing behaviors that are outwardly obvious, you’re missing 90% of your child because all of the real stuff is under the surface.” ~HT “Punishments and rewards shut down creativity and we really want creative problem-solving in our homes.” ~HT “When dealing with frustrating situations, remember, time is your friend. Take a moment, take a deep breath. Always give yourself a moment to center yourself before you hav a knee-jerk reaction. Come up with a reaction that’s chosen rather than automatic.” ~JW Take 10 seconds to attune to your child and your limit-setting will be so much more successful, says @thehappysleeper on #talktokids #podcast. Learn exactly what to do in frustrating parenting situations right here!Click To Tweet Resources: TheHappySleeper.com Now Say This : The Right Words to Solve Every Parenting Dilemma (book) Social Media for Dr. Robyn: facebook.com/DrRobynSilverman twitter.com/DrRobyn instagram.com/DrRobynSilverman facebook.com/HowToTalkToKidsaboutAnything Social Media for our podcast guests: facebook.com/TheHappySleeper twitter.com/TheHappySleeper instagram.com/TheHappySleeper The post How to Attune, Set Limits and Problem-Solve with Children in Difficult Moments with Heather Turgeon & Julie Wright ReRelease appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
63 minutes | May 18, 2021
How to Raise Joyful, Change-Making, Socially-Aware Girls with Dr. Janice Johnson Dias
How to Raise Joyful, Change-Making, Socially-Aware Girls This podcast focuses on how we can find joy even during this “super-sucky time” and how we can help our girls become socially-aware, passionate volunteers who can make important changes in our society. Dr. Robyn Silverman interviews Dr. Janice Johnson Dias, author of Parent Like it Matters: How to Raise Joyful, Change-Making Girls on this week’s episode of How to Talk to Kids about Anything. Special Guest: Dr. Janice Johnson Dias Can we teach our daughters to change the world for the better? Through conscious parenting choices, we can give our girls the resources to not only take hold of their own futures but also assist other girls, pulling them upwards and forwards so that change becomes a chain reaction and a powerful one at that. It may seem counter-intuitive, in a world that often tells parents to put their children first by dwarfing their own passions—taking a back seat in their own lives so that their children can move ahead- our next guest posits that by finding our own joy, we can inspire our girls to discover and live by theirs. By laying down the burdens of our past, turning our challenges into adventures, and our failures into lessons we can teach our girls many important lessons. But just as important, we can help our girls to identify her heroes and mentors, her own strengths and allow her to teach us a thing or two each week about who she is and how she sees the world. BIO Dr. Janice Johnson Dias holds a Ph.D. in Sociology from Temple University with a specialization in urban and political sociology. Her funded research focuses on mothers and children has appeared in the top-ranking policy and social science journals. She is a tenured associate professor of sociology at John Jay College of Criminal Justice, and president of the GrassROOTS Community Foundation, a New Jersey-based training institution with a focus on public health and social action that she co-founded in 2011. Dr. Johnson Dias currently lives in West Orange, New Jersey, with her husband, Scott Dias, their daughter Marley and dog Philly. She has just published her first book with Ballantine Books/Random House, Parent Like It Matters: How to Raise Joyful-Changemaking Girls. It summarizes her life experiences and offers practical tips of how caregivers can raise children who are devoted to social justice. Important Messages: Let’s not focus on the performance (the smile, how you look or don’t look happy) but the quiet sustained feeling of joy. You can be completely mad today- but inside is a foundational contentment that lasts and sustains. Joy sustains, happiness is temporary. Don’t give up hope- and don’t surrender now. If we try to do something in this moment that enhances us and contributes to making this moment better- the action part- you won’t feel like surrendering. It can almost replicate this feeling of hope. It’s not just about doing stuff for others- it’s also about what you are getting from doing stuff for others. Just like when you are tired and the doctor says to exercise- you don’t want to do it- but it actually works! Take a half of a step in a positive direction! Instead of standing in one place. You should matter more to you than your kids. The best road map for your kids is you. Are you joyful, Mom and Dad? Are you doing the things that fill your bucket? Why are you demanding more of me than you are yourself? Questions: What brings ME joy? What am I passionate about? Do that! No matter what you say, they will model what you do rather than what you say. Model, coach. Be truthful to what you want from them. You are their best guide. The solution that I give you is not going to erase reality. Don’t starve yourself as if some big meal is coming! Do a little something. You like the stage? This is not a stage moment. But what can you extract from that? This is about connecting. How else can. You get that? Don’t just starve. Take some step. You can side step to move forward- it might not be a straight line forward but you are still getting there. You have to enrich you- and engage others. Pivot- stumble. Moves you out of inertia. You have the power to create joy and enhance good. Take mini steps. It doesn’t have to be a huge leap. We can’t always feed the outside. We must feed the inside. Help students to be exposed to all sorts of other people. Don’t erase others. Don’t erase the issue or the problem. For example- white kids mesmerized by black hair. Want to touch it. Instead of burying it under the rug- who is in our neighborhood, what’s America- need to be able to be friends with others. Kids confused. Kids are being asked to explain race and history of touching black hair. Learn- google it- history of touching black hair. Educate yourself. Before scolding a child for sending a negative note- why did you write that note? What was that about? Would you want that note written about you? Delivered to you? How would that feel? Kids are not being walked through issues. Candy- give it to them, they are just kids after all. Issues of social justice- well, they are just kids after all. “They’ll just outgrow it.” Nobody walked them through the actions they did. And the consequences. We have to invite the kids to be learners and to apologize. And offer strategies for how to make the situation better. We don’t have to have the answers- we have to have the questions and then search out the answers to the questions together. Social justice and lessons about racism have to be weaved into the fabric of the everyday- not a separate tangent. A girl pushes the chair over of the boy…talk about it. Don’t wait until the kids are in 5th or 6th grade to talk about these important concepts. Integrate- not adding another thing. Joy, change-making plus social justice. Sexualization and gender. Weave it in. How do teachers talk about their students? “You are giving it all away with that outfit!” By the time our girls are outside of our house, they need to be made aware of their experience of gender in the house- and outside of the house. Gendering. Why did the teacher think that the I needed to pull down my shirt when I did that cartwheel but she didn’t say it to the boys? They might not be aware. Need to be aware that the gender construction in our society is wrong. There is a notion that those who present as men are more powerful, capable, and better than those who work and present as girls. And it’s wrong. Need to be upfront. Girls need to be aware of this so that they don’t blame themselves when they are being gendered. Clothes/haircut: You have to realize why you feel the way you do about the haircut/clothes- while you may have strong views about what you do or don’t want your child to wear or what you want them to look like, you have to realize “it’s not you” to your daughter. “My daughter should be able to walk down the street naked and nobody touch her.” The context that she lives in make it relevant- but they should not, in and of themselves, relevant. Vulnerable populations “When we have to demean ourselves to the police, we know this is grossly bad but we do it for our survival. But we must always bare in mind that it’s the structure that is the problem, not us.” So think of the short haircut. You want to cut your hair- but the structure says that they are going to call you bad names, they are going to call you a lesbian in a mean and demeaning way. Or with clothes- call you a slut. Why do you want your hair shorter? Why do you want to wear those clothes? If they answer- then you have to suck that up. You have to help make the world safer for your child- it can’t always be that your child accommodates. Dress codes exist to monitor girls bodies. What is the PTA doing to make sure people are not being derogatory and mean? If you think the rules are sexist- then you need to work with your friends to get them changed—not show up to school in this outfit. It’s then when you can wear anything you want. Volunteer. If you want your child to volunteer- then you need to volunteer. If you are just marching into your child’s room and taking their old stuff and giving it away- that’s not helping with volunteerism. When you think about the world, and all the things that are wrong, and when you think about what you enjoy and where you can put your joy, what can you do to lend your gifts to the world? Do that. Model- what giving looks like. Invite them to participate in yours- and then help them to uncover their passion for what kind of volunteering they love. QUESTIONS: Volunteerism. There are different things happening all year- talk to kids about what’s going on each month. How do we feel about doing a walk for breast cancer, for example? Minority health month. What do you find frustrating in your universe? School, community? What would you change? Before asking your kids about it- you think about it. Adopt the idea- most of the problems in our world are human made- we can remake them! We own ourselves- if there are things we don’t enjoy about ourselves- we can change them. We can make the world a better place. We can start with our kids. Notable Quotables: “We are in a super sucky moment right now—it’s hard to smile- but what we can hold close is the optimism. We can hold close that if we invest in ourselves and invest in others, that that will sustain us beyond the super-sucky moment. That’s what I call joy.” “You can be mad today- you can be completely irritated tomorrow- but inside of you is a foundational contentment that lasts and sustains. Joy is sustaining, happiness is temporary. “If we try to do something in this moment that enhances us and contributes to making this moment better- the action part- you won’t feel like surrendering. It can almost replicate this feeling of hope.” “Many people feel like there is nothing that they can do- there’s all this racism, there’s all this homophobia, that feeling is too heavy. I’m suggesting that we take a very small piece and chip away at it. The very act of chipping away at it is going to invite optimism in. It’s when you do nothing that you can overwhelmed by that feeling of hopelessness.” “For your kids to see what’s possible—the best road map is you.” “You have to be truthful to what you want from your kids. You are their best guide.” “We can’t do it all right now- so what can you extract that still feeds you? You don’t want to starve yourself in hopes that some great meal is coming! You’re going to wither away! So what are you going to feed yourself in this moment? Take what is doable, practical and enriching and do that.” “If you stumble, you actually move forward.” Strategies of social justice are things we have to have in our toolbox.” “Issues of race, gender, class, sexuality, are not tangential to why some kids succeed in school and why others are failing. “Vulnerable populations know this: When we have to demean ourselves to the police, we know this is grossly bad but we do it for our survival. But we must always bear in mind that it’s the structure that is the problem, not us.” “Talk to your girl and tell her; these are the rules as they are. It’s important that you follow the rules while working to break the rules.” “If you want your child to volunteer- then you need to volunteer.” The most important skill you can teach your kids about money is that they have choice, says @SmartMoneyMamas on #talktokids podcast. Listen in to get strategies you can use now to teach your kids smart money habits todayClick To Tweet Resources: GrassrootsCommunityFoundation.org https://thedrjanice.com/ IG: @DrJaniceJohnson Book: Parent Like it Matters: How to Raise Joyful, Change-Making Girls The post How to Raise Joyful, Change-Making, Socially-Aware Girls with Dr. Janice Johnson Dias appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
60 minutes | May 11, 2021
How to Prepare Kids to Lead & Succeed in a Changing World with Dr. Tim Elmore ReRelease
Dr. Tim Elmore is a best-selling author and CEO of Growing Leaders, a global non-profit organization created to empower students with real-life leadership skills. Tim’s expertise on the emerging generation has led to media coverage in The Huffington Post, The Wall Street Journal, Forbes.com, USA Today and The Washington Post. He has also appeared on CNN’s Headline News and Fox and Friends to discuss how to lead Millennials and Generation Z. Tim’s latest books include Marching Off the Map: Inspire Students to Navigate a Brand New World and 12 Huge Mistakes Parents Can Avoid. The post How to Prepare Kids to Lead & Succeed in a Changing World with Dr. Tim Elmore ReRelease appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
57 minutes | May 4, 2021
How to Talk to Kids about Money Values, Spending & Giving with Chelsea Brennan
Special Guest: Chelsea Brennan Many parents believe that money is another taboo topic that we just don’t discuss. After all, there is a lot of emotion, status, privilege and judgment tied up with money that make it a topic that can be triggering to many. But when you think about it- where are kids learning about money these days? Many only see the swipe of a credit card & the magic of online shopping- where we press some buttons and we walk out with stuff—or better yet, it appears at our door or in our mailbox! We know this isn’t how it works- and it’s important to teach our kids about money- what we value, what we might be saving for, what we choose to spend money on, which charities we may give money to and what seems frivolous, unnecessary or even counter-productive. But how do we talk to our kids about our family money values, goals and choices- and how can we help set them up with the knowledge, skills and understanding so that they know how to handle money when they need to make important financial decisions later in life? Today we’ll talk to Chelsea Brennan for some answers. The post How to Talk to Kids about Money Values, Spending & Giving with Chelsea Brennan appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
52 minutes | Apr 27, 2021
How to Talk to Kids about Dignity with Dr. Donna Hicks – ReRelease
As we discuss conversations on this podcast— key conversations we must have with our children about tough topics— sex, death, divorce, porn, failure, ADHD, bullying— discussions where emotions can run high, agendas can cloud openness and listening and true presence— fear can make us shy away from saying what truly needs to be said, or heard or understood. What if there was a step that we needed to take before we had these all important conversations— a step that acknowledged the importance of dignity for each person— to hold another person’s dignity as precious and valuable while also knowing that our own would be kept in tact as well. How might that affect these key conversations we have with our partners, with our children, with teachers, instructors, coaches— people who touch our lives and help to shape how they evolve. And what if we focused on dignity as a fundamental part of raising our children to become leaders— showing and discussing how we can lead with dignity and create a culture that brings out the best in people? For these questions and more, we turn to our distinguished guest, Dr. Donna Hicks. The post How to Talk to Kids about Dignity with Dr. Donna Hicks – ReRelease appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
47 minutes | Apr 20, 2021
How to Talk to Kids about Coping Skills with Janine Halloran, M.A., LMHC
Special Guest: Janine Halloran, M.A., LMHC All children and teens get stressed, anxious and angry sometimes. This is normal. Being able to positively deal with stress, anxiety and anger are important skills to learn so they can be employed at home, in school or other learning environments, and when in frustrating situations with friends and peers. But not all kids learn these strategies naturally. They need a trusted adult to help them learn how to self soothe, calm down, balance their energy and emotions, and process challenging feelings. How can we help our children and teens learn these coping strategies? For that, we turn to Janine Halloran. The post How to Talk to Kids about Coping Skills with Janine Halloran, M.A., LMHC appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
59 minutes | Apr 13, 2021
How to Raise a Confident, Capable, Resilient Adult with Julie Lythcott-Haims – ReRelease
How to Raise a Confident, Capable, Resilient Adult This podcast will focus on the downfalls of overparenting and how to step back to allow children the room to step up and become confident, capable, resilient adults. A troubling trend has taken over which has created parents who micromanage, overprotect and over-direct children’s childhoods. Children are floundering from the messages that they need mom or dad’s help or input every step of the way and grow up to expect rescuing rather than relying on their own abilities to get through tough situations. This podcast sets us all straight so that we raise our kids to believe in themselves and become truly competent so that they can stand on their own two feet as they progress from childhood into young adulthood. In her 2016 Ted Talk, Julie Lythcott-Haims started off by saying, “there’s a certain style of parenting these days that is kind of messing up kids, impeding their chances to develop into themselves. There’s a certain style of parenting these days that’s getting in the way. I guess what I’m saying is, we spend a lot of time being very concerned about parents who aren’t involved enough in the lives of their kids and their education or their upbringing, and rightly so. But at the other end of the spectrum, there’s a lot of harm going on there as well, where parenting feel a kid can’t be successful unless the parent is protecting and preventing at every turn and hovering over every happening and micromanaging every moment, and steering their kid towards some small subset of colleges and careers….our kids end up leading a kind of check-listed childhood, she goes on to say, such that, she warns that once they end up at the end of high school they are breathless—of course—they have spent so much time having been obsessed with grades and activities—becoming what they are supposed to be rather than exploring who they may want to become. What interests them. And knowing, with their own brains and experimenting with their own grit and their own skills—to develop into a self-sufficient, resilient adult. So it begs the question—what can we do to break free from the overparenting trap that says we must be on our children every minute prodding and directing, being our child’s concierge, as Julie Lythcott-Haims labels, and instead, preparing our children to become successful adults who can stand on their own two feet. Julie Lythcott-Haims roots for humans. Humans need agency in order to make their way forward; Julie is deeply interested in what impedes us. She is the New York Times bestselling author of How to Raise an Adult, an anti-helicopter parenting manifesto which gave rise to one of the top TED Talks of 2016, and now has over 3 million views. Her second book is the critically-acclaimed prose poetry memoir Real American, which illustrates her experience with racism and her journey toward self-acceptance. A third book on how to be an adult, for young adults, is forthcoming. She is a former corporate lawyer and Stanford dean, and she holds a BA from Stanford, a JD from Harvard, and an MFA in Writing from California College of the Arts. She lives in the San Francisco Bay Area with her partner of thirty years, their teenagers, and her mother. The podcast provides: What compromises our kids’ ability to become a confident, capable, resilient adult. What it means to have a “checklisted childhood.” What kids should be able to do by the time they are 18. Skills kids need to acquire during childhood through chores. What to say to your child when s/he comes home from school. What we lose by overparenting. How to step back so our kids can step up. Important Messages: Many parents feel that they have to play a role in the management of life for their college student. What is wrong here? This age group used to be much more self-sufficient. Why are parents having trouble trusting their young adults? Today, students seem to be grateful that their parents are taking over—rather than embarrassed or surprised. Kids don’t seem to be individuating like they did. Need a hunger to want to be in charge of yourself. What will happen if you keep waiting to take control of your life? Overparenting falls into 3 categories: Overprotective (world is unsafe, not preparing child, not giving skills, tracked children), fiercely directed (you will do as I say because I know best, conditional love), concierge (everything is handled and scheduled). These all work in the short term. You prevent the problems. Always there to catch them. When we are always rescuing, our children can’t learn the lessons to apply them to the next time the situations happen. Checklisted childhood- it’s the parent’s own ego- the right classes, the right preschool, the right grades, the right colleges. Unethical behavior. Tutoring. Work to make the child’s outcomes better. Prepping for tests. Activities they have to do. Community service. The right awards. The right sports. No more time in the day. They become brittle and breathless and fragile at the end of childhood. Is your child interested in doing these activities or are YOU interested in your child doing this? Focus on what your child wants to do instead of trying to keep up with the Joneses. Your relationship with your kid will improve, sanity will return. You are saying, ‘I’m choosing to see you for who you are rather than trying to turn you into something I might have wished you would be or everyone else thinks you should be.’ Stand up to the overparenting crowd- they are unhappy and wish they could have some more sanity too! Parents need to fill our lives with their OWN stuff. Read books, go to the theater, hang out with friends! We can’t just show up on the sidelines of our children’s activities. Parents- get your own life! Remember- there are other colleges besides this tiny list of big brand-name colleges that deny 90-95% of applicants. Too stressful! If our kids can’t fend for themselves, then we’ve failed. We’ve failed them and we’ve failed at parenting. Our kids don’t need to be perfect. How do you learn to stack the dishwasher but by stacking the dishwasher? They learn that things aren’t getting clean or you want to fit more stuff and then you try something else! Stacy Ashland: How do you teach your kids skills? 4 steps. (1) Do it for them. (2) Do it with them. (3) Watch them do it (4) They do it for themselves. Whether it’s one day or weeks or year- these are the steps. Transition from you doing it all to them doing it all with the 2 steps in between as it transfers. The longest longitudinal study ever done showed that those people who were most successful in life used to do chores (or had a part time job in high school). It builds work ethic. You need to contribute. You do your part to benefit of the whole. But checklisted childhood deprives them of chores. Even young kids can participate in chores. Dusting, place plastic silverware, unload dishwasher, etc. Must teach children to be responsible. Don’t rescue. Learned early- will serve them! Left backpack? Don’t get it! Ask- what can you do? What are your options? Think through. Teaching them “this is your life.” You don’t build competency in a day- it takes a long time. Eventually, if they keep doing it, they build mastery. Too much time is focused on grades and academic outcomes. Then love seems like it’s conditional. How about “I know that I keep asking about grades and that might make you feel like I think you don’t care. But I know you do and I’m sorry. So for one week I’m going to practice not asking at all.” Careful of the parent portal that makes it so you can keep checking grades. When we take an interest in us instead of our grades, improves relationship. 4-3-2-1 tip. Stop saying “we” when talking about what your child is doing. Stop arguing with the authority figures in our children’s lives. Teach your kid to advocate for himself. Stop doing your child’s homework (unethical and your child learns to believe that s/he can’t do it him or herself). Notable Quotables: “We don’t want 18-22-year-olds who can’t make a decision, solve a problem or cope with a minor setback that life throws you. We need to raise them so that they have the skills and the mindset and the wherewithal to fend for themselves.” “Many young adults between the ages of 18 and 22 haven’t gone through the natural developmental stage where you separate from your parent—when you are no longer a child being kept and cared for, you separate from them and develop your own sense of self, confidence and skills. And it made me wonder; ‘kid, when are you going to hunger to be in charge of yourself and what’s to become of you if you don’t? If you delay that to 25 or 30, what’s to happen to you and how much harder will it be to seize control of your life? “What will happen to all of us if this generation doesn’t know how to #adult? Who’s going to lead us? Who’s going to be in charge?” Who’s going to have the wherewithal and the confidence and the know how to move an institution, government, family or organization forward?” “If a parent overly helps an outcome to happen or does a lot of protecting for that outcome to happen or directs that outcome from the get-go, the kid’s psyche knows s/he didn’t do it him or herself. This is what leads to higher rates of anxiety and depression. The short-term gain comes with long term pain. It’s harming kids and we have to stop.” “The learning only comes when we experience the consequence. When we are always rescuing our child, the brain never experiences the “ouch.” The parent’s rescuing denies that child’s brain from learning the lesson which would allow him to remember it for the next time.” “The ‘checklisted’ parents need to make sure their children are in the right classes, the right sports, the right classes with the right grades. There’s tutoring and test prep, leadership and community service. And all of these activities are stuffed into the 7 days a week that childhood affords. Childhood hasn’t gotten any longer. There are no more hours in a day but now-a-days, it has become normal to fill a child’s life from waking up to going to sleep with structured activities, academic or athletic enrichment because we’ve been duped into thinking that this is what it takes to get them to the right future. The trouble is that a childhood lived like this compromises sleep, free time, downtime and our kids get to the end of childhood and they are brittle and breathless and fragile.” “If a kid loves a sport, then more power to them. But if YOU are dragging your kid to something because you are trying to keep up with the Joneses, don’t do it! Turn back around and say; ‘how about we focus on what YOU want instead of what everyone else seems to be doing?’ Your kid’s outlook will improve, your relationship will improve, because what you are saying is; ‘I’m choosing to see you for who you are rather than trying to turn you into something I might have wished you would be or everyone else thinks you should be.’ It takes guts to stand up to this overparenting crowd.” “The checklisted childhood is not only taking a toll on children, it’s taking a toll on parents!” “Nowadays, it feels like neglect when we don’t show up to every practice. We’ve done that. It’s time for those of us who know this is BS to stand up and say; ‘I can’t come to practice today. I’ve got other things to do.’ We have to fill our lives with adult activities! We have filled our lives with sitting on the sidelines of our kids’ activities and driving them everywhere. We have become anxious, fragile and feeling empty because our lives lack a richness that we would have if we had a little more downtime and balance. A more relaxed life would be healthier for everyone.” “If our offspring can’t fend for themselves in the most basic of ways—then we’ve failed.” “You don’t help kids in life by doing it all for them. Those children need to learn how to crawl, how to walk and ultimately, walk away from you and be okay when they are no longer with you.” “Don’t rescue. We need to teach our kids; ‘this is your life’ and ‘you’re responsible.’ It sounds cruel but it’s not. It’s this loving lesson which, learned early, will give them so many more skills and tools than so many others their age who are used to being micromanaged and handled and looked after. These young people will have their act together and will delight in being responsible for themselves.” When kids haven’t developed the competence, muscle memory or confidence to do something with us, they wind up standing at this future we’ve delivered to them and they don’t know what to do.” “How was your day? “(Fine) “Tell me one thing that was fine or better than fine today.” “Let’s step up for our kids by stepping back. That is how we will raise them to become successful, thriving adults.” Let’s step back so our kids can step up, says @DeanJulie on #talktokids podcast. Want to know how we can raise our children to become successful, thriving adults? Wise words from this best-selling author here.Click To Tweet Resources: How to Raise an Adult (book) Ted Talk https://www.julielythcotthaims.com/ Social Media for Dr. Robyn: facebook.com/DrRobynSilverman twitter.com/DrRobyn instagram.com/DrRobynSilverman facebook.com/HowToTalkToKidsaboutAnything The post How to Raise a Confident, Capable, Resilient Adult with Julie Lythcott-Haims – ReRelease appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
55 minutes | Apr 6, 2021
How to Talk to Kids about Drugs, Alcohol and Addiction Inoculation with Jessica Lahey
How to Talk to Kids about Drugs, Alcohol and Addiction Inoculation This podcast focuses on the conversations that need to occur around drugs and alcohol, substance abuse and addiction inoculation. How can we raise healthy kids in a culture of dependence? Dr. Robyn Silverman speaks with educator, Jess Lahey, about what makes the difference- and how we can make a difference. Special Guest: Jessica Lahey All children, regardless of their genetics, are at some risk for substance abuse. According to the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse, teen drug addiction is the nation’s largest preventable and costly health problem. Despite the existence of proven preventive strategies, nine out of ten adults with substance use disorder report they began drinking and taking drugs before age eighteen. Some room to grow that particularly refer to us, in relation to this podcast; According to Columbia University’s Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse (CASA), between 75-87% of parents talk at least a little about nicotine, alcohol, and marijuana, but just 50-60% talk about other drugs such as heroin, amphetamines and abuse of prescription medications—so we can make a difference with bringing this topic to the forefront. What do we say? What can we do to help create a supportive, open environment where substance abuse and the stressors surrounding it are not hidden in a closet where drinking and drug use can be triggered and take hold? For this conversation, we have Jessica Lahey on, who has been with us before when talking about failure—and this time, on addiction and addiction inoculation. Jessica Lahey is a teacher, writer, and mom. She writes about education, parenting, and child welfare for The Washington Post, the New York Times, and The Atlantic and is the author of the New York Times bestselling book, The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed. She is a member of the Amazon Studios Thought Leader Board and wrote the curriculum for the Emmy-nominated Amazon Kids’ The Stinky and Dirty Show. She lives in Vermont with her husband, two sons, three dogs and two cats. Her new book is entitled The Addiction Inoculation: Raising Healthy Kids in a Culture of Dependence. Important Messages: Rehabilitation for kids when it comes to alcohol and drug addiction is different than it is for adults- tools are the same but applied differently. Understanding what substance abuse looks like in adolescence and what we have to do to inoculate our kids as much as possible, and there are two prongs here, from getting started (because there are issues around substance use and the adolescent brain) and preventing substance abuse in their lifetime. The brains of children and adolescents function differently than those of adults and the younger kids are when they start using drugs and alcohol, the more damage they can do to their brains, the more likely they are to develop substance use disorders as adults. Risk-factors: Genetics (50-60% contributor), adoption, trauma, stress, toxic stress, little t trauma, big T trauma, adverse childhood experiences as outlined by the CDC and Keiser Permanente (ACEs quiz). Also see book: The Deepest Well- expands on list. Affect emotional state- and also epigenetics. How our genes express themselves. Genetics, Trauma, trauma, adoption, aggression towards other children, social ostracism, early academic failure. The earlier we intervene on these things, the better. Intertwined. Substance use in adults- very different than for kids- kids brains still developing, connecting, so substances make a big difference in kids. (see Pollack and psychedelic use). There are risks to drugs and alcohol for adults but nothing like what they are for kids. Risk vs Prevention. The heavier the risk side, the heavier the prevention side will need to be. Can’t be ashamed about it- that won’t help you be proactive. Careful not to gaslight your children- and tell them what they are seeing and feeling in their own home is not what they should be feeling- that’s a real problem. Being told that what you are perceiving is not what you are perceiving- is really damaging. Emotionally damaging. Trouble dealing with trust. Do your parents ever talk to you about drug and alcohol abuse? It’s like the sex conversation- it’s not just one conversation. Start early. Go with the developmental flow. Normalize. The easier it becomes. “Not my kid.” Barrier to conversation. Sobering statistics: Addiction exists in all ethnicities, socioeconomic groups…and kids consume over 10% of alcohol sold in this country. In any given month, 8% (8th gradres) and 33% (12th graders) of American middle and high school students drink some alcohol, 10% take some illegal drug, 18% drink enough to count as a binge, 8 percent drive after drinking, and 1 in 5 have ridden with another person who has been drinking. Research reveals a steady increase in the numbers of kids who become addicted between the ages of 12 and 18 and their first use? Typically happens in 7th or 8th grade. How can we “tip the scales” and amplify protective factors that can help put our kids on the healthy side of these statistics. Reframing: The truth about the data. Kids perception- if you ask kids, the kids around them, “everyone does it,” but only 24% of kids have had a sip of alcohol by the end of 8th grade, the answer to that statement is an emphatic “no.” Only a quarter of kids are doing it! Real information- giving honest, true info- how to refuse it, who’s doing it, that helps with inoculation against other high risk behaviors as well. So if you give information on who is drinking, drug abuse and how to refuse it, you can protect against early sex, throwing yourself off of a garage into a pool, etc. Generalizable. Refusal skills- inoculation theory- not only does it increase their feelings of self-efficacy about their ability to refuse these things- they are also, in the end, more likely to use these refusal skills, and the more likely they are to talk to their parents about the fact that they use these refusal skills. It opens up communication, it increases the chances that they will refuse, and it helps them to feel in control of their ability to refuse. Always need an exit strategy at a party. Help kids. Scripts- what can you say to refuse. “I can’t, I’m taking an antibiotic,” “I’m Asian, and I have this genetic predisposition to…” “My mom is an alcoholic and so alcohol is not my thing.” Over-estimate the amount of drinking in their own minds- how much do you think your friends drink? How upset their college roommate would be if they were invited to a party with no alcohol. *If you’re a boy- you are more likely to increase your alcohol use to adhere to the erroneous perceived norm. If you are a girl, you are more likely to withdraw socially if you don’t want to be a part of it. Colleges are not offering alcohol-free events- because they overestimate the importance of alcohol and underestimate who would come. Continue to propagate this myth. There is hope- real information. What alcohol does do in adolescent and adult brain, substance abuse and their brain- give them control so it’s their’s. They can have increased self-efficacy. Just delay to age 18- substance abuse is only at 10%. Early 20s even better as this is when the brain is done with most of its development. Middle school- 50%, 10th grade- 17%, 18 years- 10%. The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse (CASA) reveals that the more dinners per week that kids have with their families, the less likely they are to drink. Specifically, 33% of kids who eat 0-2 times per week with their family use alcohol, but for those who eat dinner 5-7 times per week with family, that statistic is cut in half. Family time together very important (doesn’t have to be dinner). Dinner emblematic of time together. Start early- social emotional programs with health components. What do we put in our bodies? What don’t we put in our bodies? Why do we spit out the toothpaste and don’t swallow? Why don’t we eat the tide pods? The soap? Why does this prescription bottle have mommy’s name on it and not daddy’s? Why can’t daddy just take mommy’s pills? Different bodies. Different amounts needed. Weights are different. These conversations can morph, later, into other discussions- like what’s in the medicine cabinet, what you can use in the medicine cabinet and what you can’t use. Not prescribed to you. Vast number of parents know that if kids are going to use opioids, they are going to get their first from their own medicine cabinet or the medicine cabinet of friends. Having these conversations early on can make it easier to have higher- stakes conversations as time goes on. What’s on the radio? What’s on TV? So many exposures. Adolescents- don’t enjoy being manipulated. What are they really selling here? Beer? Or the model friends in bikinis on a yacht? Sports advertising- worst offenders. FIFA- alcohol and sports marketing. Cartoons How portrayed? Elevates a happy time? Or something someone needs at the end of the day to cope with their lives? Depending on how kids drinks- might become a problem. Not necessarily a situational thing. Risk factor- friends if using. Productive conversation- what did you get out of this friendship? Instinct is to tell him to run. But get a lot out of these friendships. See story of Brian. What get from this relationship? What he offered to this relationship? It turns out that this relationship was a huge protective factor for Jess’ kid. Plus helped Brian- to stay in recovery and get help. Find openings. TV, advertising, Uncle Jerry needs a smoke- take these as natural places to talk. How can we help encourage healthy peer groups and what do we do or say when we get wind of the knowledge that one of our children’s friends is involved with drugs, under-age drinking, partying and other risky-behavior: Instinct is say to run- a heightened risk-taker- this can also increase the risks others take around this kind of person. Instinct shut this down. Forecasting at age 7. Illogical- if they walk the same circles, a great way to push your child towards something is to forbid it. Helps to have the conversations and use these conversations without being obsessive about it. Evolving conversation. Script: What do you get from this relationship? Using drugs/alcohol, less fun to be around, more stressful to be around, deep into the use/abuse, being friends/spouse—hard. What get out of relationship? “When you come home from being with this kid, you don’t seem as happy.” Model: What healthy relationships look like. Has YOUR best interests in mind. For example- friend- call ahead to make sure that there are non-alcoholic drinks available. Shows love. “What if your friend wants you to use drugs/alcohol too?” Many peers want their friends to participate in drugs and alcohol too in order to keep them company and so that they don’t feel as bad about their own use. Easier to drink if people around you are drinking. Close eye on relationship if a peer is a major risk-taker and if the friend is possibly using. Question- What do you hope you get of a friendship? Rules and expectations in households. Research clear- house rules- parents who give a consistent message- not until legal for you to drink- most of these kids don’t go on to have a substance abuse problem in their lifetime. The problem with permissive messaging around substance use are not doing their children any good favors. Party at your house? Illegal and poor message. A message- of a little of their own wine, a sip here or there, European kind of drinking—but can’t do this. Europe actually has the highest level of alcoholism in the world! France re-evaluating weekly guideline- how many drinks per week healthy? Are you buying in big to the European myth? More likely to use and abuse substances in their lifetime. Massive reconstructive situation in the brain- equal in comparison only to what’s happening in gestation and the first two years of life. Health experts say- no safe amount to drink while pregnant, or to give a toddler, and same amount of brain plasticity in teens- shouldn’t have it either! Lower parts of brain hooking up to the higher parts of the brain. Prefrontal cortex. A lot going on here! Fatalistic “Teens are going to drink.” The adolescent brain is equal to that level of brain plasticity- to vulnerability to things in the environment. So if we wouldn’t drink while we were pregnant and we wouldn’t give kids ages 0-2 alcohol, we also should be thinking about how normalized we have come to view drinking during adolescence. Uniquely vulnerable- this is what we need to bring up to our kids. Why are they so vulnerable when it comes to drinking? This is your ammunition. Three pieces of info that we should be able to pull out of our back pocket? (1) Your brain is developing. And while there are things you can drink and consume when you are older that might not harm your brain- it does during adolescence. You process alcohol differently in your body when you are an adolescent. You are less likely to feel the negative effects or be able to discern how drunk you are. Less likely negative consequences- scary possible indicator of later problems. Marijuana- not that risky- but in adolescence- receptors are in hippocampus where memories are formed- ability to retain info- if you have goals around a test or becoming architect- doing damage to that part of brain they need. Kids who smoke marijuana have much smaller hippocampi than those who don’t. Real consequences during adolescence. (2) Human nature- through pluralistic ignorance- to overestimate how much drugs and alcohol use matter to other people. Think other people care a lot. Probably overestimating. (3) I’m not telling you that you shouldn’t use drugs and alcohol because I’m some uptight -because I said so parent- I want you to feel like you are enough. (the drink Jess misses the most is the one that she drank before the social situation). Chris Heran. The first drink rather than the worst day. “I want you to know you are enough in your sober mind so you don’t need to resort to taking something so you can feel that you are enough.” Kids want to feel that they are enough- for their parents, for their friends. They deserve to be out there in the world as a presence. If we want to raise healthy kids in a culture of dependence we MUST help them have a voice, help them feel good enough and give them a sense of self efficacy. Solutions come from family- but also starts with the family. Clear eye of family use and abuse. Whether we use and how we use. Give kids impression that drugs and alcohol are used for self-medication, that’s a problem. Bring it all out of the shadows. Notable Quotables: “Substance abuse is a preventable disease or disorder.” “We need to understand what substance abuse looks like in adolescence and what we have to do to inoculate our kids as much as possible, and there are two prongs here, from getting started (because there are issues around substance use and the adolescent brain) and preventing substance abuse in their lifetime.” “Understanding the risks of drugs and alcohol on your kids is a good thing- it’s what you need to know about your children.” “Genetics are the bullets you load into the gun and trauma is the trigger.” “Viewing the risks can be empowering. You can’t be ashamed of it. You can’t feel guilty about it. If I just sit here and wallow about the fact that I gave our kids this horrible hand around their genetics, I’m not going to be proactive at all in terms of dealing with this stuff. Banish shame from this conversation. Banish guilt from this conversation. I want us to pick up from where we are, acknowledge what’s going on with our family, substance abuse in our family, our own drinking habits, and move forward from a place of empowerment.” “[The drug and alcohol conversation] is like the sex conversation. It’s not just one conversation. And the more often we have them, the easier they become.” The cool thing about having real information is #1, giving kids honest, true information about how many people are doing it and how they can refuse it (inoculation theory is a powerful tool!), it turns out that when we protect kids against one high risk behavior, we protect kids against other high risk behaviors.” “Having these refusal skills not only does it increase their feelings of self-efficacy about their ability to refuse these things- they are also, in the end, more likely to use these refusal skills, and the more likely they are to talk to their parents about the fact that they use these refusal skills. It opens up communication, it increases the chances that they will refuse, and it helps them to feel in control of their ability to refuse.” “What we want is to raise kids for whom alcohol is no big deal. They can take it or leave it. We want kids who know how to drink moderately. The problem is we can’t teach moderate drinking in the way we think we can. Not only does permissive parenting and allowing your children to take sips of alcohol actually raise the chance of your child having a substance abuse disorder in their lifetime, the European myth is just that- a myth. Europe has the highest level of alcoholism in the world.” “Brain reconstruction and cognitive development is massive during adolescence equaled only to what’s going on in the brain during gestation and the first two years of life. Just as the health experts say there is no safe amount of alcohol during pregnancy, there is also no safe amount of alcohol in a toddler. However, what we are talking about in the adolescent brain is equal to that level of brain plasticity- to vulnerability to things in the environment. So if we wouldn’t drink while we were pregnant and we wouldn’t give kids ages 0-2 alcohol, we also should be thinking about how normalized we have come to view drinking during adolescence.” Kids want to feel that they are enough- for their parents & for their friends- that they deserve to be out there in the world as a presence. “If we want to raise healthy kids in a culture of dependence we MUST help them have a voice, help them feel good enough and give them a sense of self efficacy so that they feel that they have earned their place in the world and they feel they can go out and do things and be effective.” If we want to raise healthy kids in a culture of dependence we MUST help them have a voice, help them feel good enough and give them a sense of self efficacy, says @JessLahey, author of Addiction Inoculation, on #talktokids podcastClick To Tweet Resources: Gift of Failure: How to Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed www.jessicalahey.com Don’t parent for the moment; parent for the long haul. #AmWriting podcast Mentioned: Wired to Create https://www.amazon.com/Wired-Create-Unraveling-Mysteries-Creative/dp/0399174109 The post How to Talk to Kids about Drugs, Alcohol and Addiction Inoculation with Jessica Lahey appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
48 minutes | Mar 30, 2021
How to Help Young Kids Cope with Tempers and Tantrums with Dr. Lynne Kenney – ReRelease
How to Help Young Kids Cope with Tempers and Tantrums This podcast focuses on young children and what to do when they experience “feelings overload,” won’t listen or are having a physical tantrum. Dr. Lynne Kenney discusses how to deal with the “I won’ts” and “I can’ts” so that everyone stays more calm and connected even when emotions run hot. Parenting young children can be tough! They can get overloaded, stuck, frustrated and as we’ve talked about before, they need our help when their limbic brains are on meltdown. So what can you SAY, THINK and DO, to help your children manage their BIG feelings and learn to do as you ask? Today, we are talking a second time with pediatric Psychologist, Dr. Lynne Kenney, about how to handle the tantrums, the “I won’ts” and “I can’ts”, to help you parent with more collaboration, peace, and calm in your family. Pediatric Psychologist, Dr. Lynne Kenney, Psy.D., is an international educator and author of five books on improving Executive Functions and Social-Emotional Learning in children ages 3-12. Currently, Dr. Kenney is preparing for a 20 city international tour to bring 2-3 minute classroom cognitive-physical activities that engage attention, memory, cognitive flexibility and self-regulation worldwide. Learn more about #TheKineticClassroom at www.lynnekenney.com. The podcast provides: What “feelings overload” means to a child How “feelings overload” can lead to tantrums Why children resist doing simple things their parents tell them to do Why children say they can’t do something when they can What to do when your young child won’t do what you’ve asked them to do What to do when your child won’t listen and you are running out of time What to do with the other children when one of throwing a tantrum Important Messages: If you are faced with a task that exceeded your skill set in that moment, that puts us into stress response—feelings overload. Many kids don’t have the skills to deal with a task we are asking them to do at the time and a tantrum ensues. They don’t have the cognitive skills to cope. As adults, we see tasks as simple- get in the car, brush our teeth, put on our shoes—but to a young child, they may not be. And they don’t have the language ability to negotiate. Even though getting in the car seems simple, if they want to eat the last piece of French toast or get my blanky, they may not have the language to negotiate and talk about it. Standard response is we prepare them for the transition—but this isn’t actually the right response. What you need to do—is use the thinker to calm the caveman. The fastest way to do this is to engage the vagal system. For example, sing a song. Use singing, swaying, swaddling and swinging. For a resistant child, continue to engage the vagal system- give them choice in song. “We’re stepping in, we’re stepping out- when will we go? Will it be right now?” Continue to engage the vagal system as you move away from the comforts of the house. Teach your child to sway- let your child be the teacher and lead you. “Going to school sometimes makes my brain nervous- can you hold my hands and sway with me?” That way the child isn’t always waiting on the parent or teacher to engage the vagal system. Use the parent as the interim object. Or you can use questions- not just why—what’s the barrier? If they don’t have the cognitive flexibility to go from a preferred activity to a non-preferred activity, that’s when you engage the thinker and get creative. Script: “What shirt do you want to wear to school? Well, we are looking at the clock and our friends are waiting for us in about 6 minutes, do you want to start with picking out your shirt or your pants?” As soon as you can shift the responsibility, accountability and agency to the kid, do that. Coach them to the next brick on the yellow brick road of development. Push them onto the next brick- and once they are standing on the next brick you’re like ‘awesomesauce!’ I’ve got things to do, you’ve got things to do- meet you in the kitchen in 5 minutes! Every moment is different for a child. Your job is to incorporate the skills so that they can be prosocial adults. Script: “I think you can do this! You’ve been upstairs before- what’s in the way now? You run up, run down, and how can we show our love together?” Ask yourself- what’s the task demand? Does she have the skill set right now? If so, coax her through. If not, turn it into a game- problem solve- and see what piece you can do to help without doing it all. You get the task done and THEN we’ll do our fun, loving activity. What do 9 year olds do with their moms? Remind them without shaming, we don’t need to go backwards in our skills in order to get love. Leading up to go time: The family needs to go, we all have different needs, what do we need to do together in order to make that happen. “It’s go time.” “Now, you need to be the best coach for your brain and tell your brain it’s time to go.” Here are the things that worked in the past- what can we do to make it so you can go. Kids might cry. We all as human beings experience distress in life. We all need to experience distress in the company of somebody with whom we feel safe and loved. And if they are upset and tantruming, tell them you know it’s hard, you tried other ways, but now it’s time to go. Sometimes kids cross the threshold into a full stress response. They are raining on you. It’s like a dam opened and you think you’re going to drown too. “You were trying to help your brain and you were trying to help your brain and now I’m going to help your body.” A child is not hitting you because they want to—s/he is hitting you because his/her system is on overload. You want to help develop “a whole molecule.” Prepare the day before to take care of you. This can take you out of damage control. Notable Quotables: “Singing to your children—is magic. You are relying on what your child’s brain knows well, rhythm, tempo and timing, to keep them calm.” “What you as a parent need to do is use the thinker to calm the caveman. The fastest way to do this is to engage the vagal system in the brain.” “We need to use applied neuroscience to get a child to grow a brain where they’re going to be a prosocial, successful, competent human being.” “When a child is refusing to do something you’ve asked him or her to do, don’t ask why, ask; what’s the barrier?” “When your child is tantruming, you need to ask yourself; ‘am I putting a barrier in the way that the brain is over responding to because if I am, I need to take that barrier away.” “Remember; when kids are not listening– no contempt, no shaming, no blaming. That just puts them in defensive brain. You want to keep them out of the stress response so they can keep moving forward. “ “You want to teach them to use a skill today that they’ll be able to use tomorrow.” “As soon as you can shift the responsibility, accountability and agency to the kid, do that.” “Nudge them into a new prosocial skill set with an executive function skill they either don’t have yet or aren’t using.” “When your child asks you to do something for her that she already knows how to do, tell her; ‘I could do that for you—but is that the right thing to do?’” “My job as a parent is not to do the skill for you but to put the skills inside of you.” “Kids might cry. We all as human beings experience distress in life. We all need to experience distress in the company of somebody with whom we feel safe and loved.” “We are a family together. We uphold certain values. We lift one another up. I need to community to help me now so we can figure out how to do this successfully. Everyone now has a role.” “Bring all of your goodness into the car. Now it’s the nest or the womb.” “It’s not about developing a strategy, it’s about the end game. The end game is raise a child with a well-connected brain and body so that they can be a caring, conscientious, compassionate, happy human being.” “Everyone is different. Every child is different. You have to fill your toolkit with what works for you.” “You have to decide what kind of kids you want to raise and that’s always your true north. And if you’re always heading towards your true north, then you are heading in the right direction.” “It’s never gonna be a straight line not with a complicated child, or an anxious child, or a fearful child or a sensory child, but you’ll slowly doing this little circle be laying down neural highways in the brain until you eventually have this whole molecule.” “You are the agent of change. If you bring your whole self to the party and try to stay calm, slowly things will begin to fall into place.” My job as a parent is not to do the skill for you but to put the skills inside of you (and other brilliant things @DrLynneKenney says on this NEW episode of #talktokidsClick To Tweet Resources: #TheKineticClassroom www.DrLynneKenney.com Singing is a form of natural therapy: https://www.facebook.com/DrLynneKenney/posts/2010214209034908?__xts__=68.ARCaYGWW8smgZ7dl6EiRg_Tfsifoh9-czWgrwF4hr5ZzozEsIhO90joFrwq0ou66XvjFuWyAWnsVhKYg3RgdPqy_0NzU7MPv46p8HfpXRj3V5wxA3-3nNCfE-gVjO6LvsZfLoJIYzc1P&__tn__=-R The post How to Help Young Kids Cope with Tempers and Tantrums with Dr. Lynne Kenney – ReRelease appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
52 minutes | Mar 23, 2021
How to Talk to Kids about Asian-American Violence & Racism with Dr. Christine Koh
How to Talk to Kids about Asian-American Violence & Racism This podcast focuses on how to talk to kids about the uptick in Asian-American violence over the last year, culminating in the Atlanta shooting on March 16, 2021 in which 8 died, including 6 women of Asian descent. Dr. Robyn Silverman and Christine Koh discuss the source of this racism as well as how our kids can be allies and activists in today’s world. They also discuss conversations starters, ways to support those who are being discriminated against, and what to do when we see racism in action. How white people, including white parents, white teachers and white peers can support Asian and Asian-American children is also discussed. Guest Expert: Dr. Christine Koh Announcement: Before we launch into the absolutely necessary topic for today, talking to kids about anti-Asian violence and racism, I wanted to tell you some great news. My next book, currently entitled How to Talk to Kids about Anything, will be published by Sourcebooks in 2022! The contract has been signed and I am writing, writing, writing—highlighting the tips, scripts, stories and steps that will make even the toughest conversations easier- from death and divorce, to sex, tech, porn, drugs, failure, racism and more- my hope is that this book will be a staple on every parent’s, coach’s and teacher’s book case to pull out when conversations are necessary but words escape us. I am honored to be writing this book for you- and so privileged to have amazing experts on the show who are sources for this forthcoming book. Experts, like the one on the show today- so let’s get to it. Intro: Racism towards Asian-Americans is nothing new. However, when the pandemic hit and surges of the Covid virus washed over the world from the East to the West, racism and aggression towards Asian-Americans grew with it. The recent shooting of 8 people in Atlanta, including 6 Asian women, is a testament to that. This surge of anti-Asian violence has brought with it, the highlighted need for conversation starters, scripts and tips for how we can discuss racism, empathy, compassion and courage to stand up in solidarity as we meet discrimination towards diverse populations head-on. Given that one of our podcast guests and friend of How to Talk to Kids about Anything, Christine Koh, just wrote an article on how to support kids through the latest wave of violence for CNN, I thought she’d be the perfect person to interview on this topic so that we can provide all of you with what to do and say around this tough topic. BIO Christine Koh is a music and brain scientist turned multimedia creative. She is a fierce believer in the power of humans, small moments and actions, and vulnerable, authentic storytelling. She communicates on these beliefs through her work as a writer (her latest work is at the Washington Post, Boston Globe Magazine, and CNN; co-author of Minimalist Parenting; and founder of the award-winning blog Boston Mamas), podcaster (Edit Your Life, Hello Relationships), designer (Brave New World Designs), and creative director (Women Online). You can find her at @drchristinekoh on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook. Important Messages: Christine tells her origin story (also told in linked CNN story, below) “I was out for a walk with my mom in an affluent, picturesque Boston suburb when I was 7 years old when I suddenly heard yelling and felt something hard hit me on the back of the head. Cold, sticky liquid ran down my back and pain pulsed where the object had landed. I looked up in confusion as a group of teenage boys cruised past us, hanging out their car windows screaming, ‘Take that, ch*nks!’” Story: First grader- middle name. The teacher laughed at her name. Took a long time to be able to say her middle name proudly. Korean name. Makes an impact. Racially motivated violence. More than 3,700 anti-Asian incidents have been reported since last March, according to Stop AAPI, citing everything from verbal harassment and physical assault to civil rights violations and online harassment—where women reporting 2.3 times as many hate incidents than men and Chinese people being the largest ethnic group experiencing hate. Pew Research Center details that about 4 in 10 Americans say that it is more common for people to express racist views about people who are Asian than before Covid-19 and about three in 10 Asian Americans reporting having experienced racial slurs and racist jokes since the beginning of the pandemic. Panicked about wearing masks- because drawing attention to my “Asian-ness.” “I felt like a liability to my family and my children.” Leadership made a negative difference- “China Flu” and “Kung Flu.” Spreading anti-Chinese sentiments. When we are talking about “taboo” topics- racism is like talking about sex, you need to just break it down to basic human values. You aren’t even talking about then thing. Teach kids about empathy. We have a lot in common. Isabel Wilkerson, in her book, Caste, talks about the key reason why people can do horrible things to others is by dehumanizing them. Our ability to find human connection and look for those moments of empathy are such as crucial part of parenting and raising kids who will have an inclusive lens. We all deserve justice and respect. Caste: In that book, shows that black Americans are in the lower caste in the social system while Asian Americans are in the middle caste. When talking to kids, consuming all media, more you can integrate inclusive, diverse characters, the better. You have to actively seek-out. Need more inclusive literature. Not just during Black History Month or on MLK day! Don’t need big conversations with kids—the key when they are younger is quick, little conversations- frequent lens. (Dr. Robyn calls these Micro-conversations). Be open honest with your children. Don’t panic. You don’t need to have a big conversation! You don’t- just little touch points. Be an ally: Tell your kids how important it is to be a good listener. Don’t brush over. Listen. Stand up for that person. Scary though. Get an adult to help. Kids are capable. Be a part of things. Involvement in conversation. Peaceful protest. Raise money to donate- Southern Poverty Law Center (work towards justice of others). Fundraisers to make a difference. Stand next to someone who is being picked on. Think of moment in circle time- teacher made you feel awful in that moment. Would be great if someone said; “why are you laughing?” If someone came over and sat next to me in that moment. Or held my hand. Felt so alone. Name sounded different. Being an ally, and being a good friend and being a loving person can take many forms. In the wake of all of the things that happened, one of the most valuable things that happened was friends just sending me a message that said; “I’m thinking of you, I’m here for you and you don’t need to respond.” They were holding space and giving me space and that was so crucial. Empathy- when you feel alone or put on the spot like that, what would YOU wish someone would do? This is how Christine felt, what could you have done? (Circle time) Gesture and taking the time to pronounce someone’s name correctly in that moment can be powerful. Follow “The Conscious Kid” on Instagram. Name: Many Asians changed names- assimilation and someone just has apathy. Basic level: It’s really important to have these conversations and not be afraid. Talk to them about what’s happening in their family of origin- not to scare but so that they are aware. What can people do? (1) Speak up. (2) Go to a trusted adult. A lot of Asian kids don’t know who to trust. That experience at age 7 crystalized this stance for me where I am always bracing for racism. I always think there may be something coming at me from the back of my head or the front of my head. That’s a really tough way of growing up. Nothing can really prepare you but the more we can have some gentle conversations to ease our kids in the more they will feel that there are ways to deal with what’s happening.” Don’t just tell kids to fight or speak up! Walk away and get help. Can we challenging- vulnerable position- being a minority or being out numbered. Say: “Get to a place of safety and call me. I will come and get you. I am here for you.” TIP: “Respond in a way that you would go to bat for a friend you really care about.” That’s not ok to say those words. We often want to have all the answers. Just being quiet can keep space open for them. Connect your child to a professional if they need help. Side by side, in the dark, no eyes on them, driving in car, baking in kitchen, before bed, magical space. Cozy. Safe place. Give space. Anything you want to talk about? Dealing with your own biases: (1) Moment of grace. (2) Acknowledge that the views that you have are based on things you’ve been taught. Being in a place where you are willing to change is an excellent place to be. “I’m going to make mistakes, I’m going to say the wrong things, but I’m trying.” Don’t diminish the effort. Adults: Expose yourself towards diverse stories. Watch movies, read books. Cathy Park Hong: Minor Feelings- Book recommended. Link below. Open your mind to learning. Keep your eyes open. OhHappyDani- recommended IG Don’t forget to listen- it’s the way to irradiate Asian-American violence. Hold space. Don’t diminish the experience or the people. Top tip: Big take-away is to keep talking. Nature is to talk about it when it’s in the news but then it falls out of news cycle. Don’t let this happen. Gentle, loving, consistent conversations. Keep this work in our view. Notable Quotables: Masks: “At first, it felt like it highlighted my ‘Asian-ness’ and I felt like a liability to my family and my children.” “A big piece of talking about [racism] is teaching kids about empathy and looking for those little moments to teach kids we are all humans and we have a lot in common as well as having things that are different. “Our ability to find human connection and look for those moments of empathy are such as crucial part of parenting and raising kids who will have an inclusive lens.” “There is a common human experience and we all deserve justice and respect.” “In the classroom, I would love to see a world where inclusive literature was a major priority.” “Parents; don’t panic because you feel like you have to have a big conversation because you do not. You just have to have little touchpoints regularly. “Being an ally, and being a good friend and being a loving person can take many forms.” “One of the most valuable things that happened was friends just sending me a message that said; ‘I’m thinking of you, I’m here for you and you don’t need to respond.’ They were holding space and giving me space and that was so crucial.” “‘How would it feel if you’, that is the sauce for kids to see the other perspective so that they can develop empathy.” “It’s really important for to not be afraid to have these conversation because obviously and clearly bad things can happen.” “Support other people the way you would want your kid supported.” “You can always find an adult to help you. You don’t have to fight this battle alone.” “As parents, we often want to have all the answers but sometimes kids need to talk and just need us to be quiet. That empty space can be scary for parents but if you just wait, just take 10 internal quiet breaths, a lot times something I don’t expect comes out. Don’t try to fill the silence. Just let them talk and let them have those feelings.” “Give yourself a moment of grace and realize that the views that you have are based on things you’ve been taught. Being open to change is an excellent place to be.” The most important step we can take towards eradicating Ant-Asian American violence is listening. I say this because I think that over time, people have diminished the experience of others or have diminished the people themselves so I think a big part of what we need to do is listen. We need to hold space for kids but we also need to do this on the adult level in a big way. Want to take action on racism? One way is to support other people the way you would want your kid supported, says @drchristinekoh on the #talktokids podcast.Click To Tweet We need to teach kids that they can always seek out an adult when they are being bullied or attacked, says @Drchristinekoh on #talktokids podcast. They don't have to deal with this alone.Click To Tweet Resources: ChristineKoh.com Minimalist Parenting (book) Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drchristinekoh/?hl=en CNN article: https://www.cnn.com/2021/03/18/health/parents-support-kids-asian-hate-crime-wellness/index.html Suggested reading: Caste by Isabel Wilkerson: https://www.amazon.com/Caste-Origins-Discontents-Isabel-Wilkerson/dp/0593230256 Minor Feelings: An Asian American Reckoning by Cathy Park Hong https://www.amazon.com/Minor-Feelings-Asian-American-Reckoning/dp/1984820362 Oh Happy Dani: https://www.instagram.com/ohhappydani/channel/?hl=en The Conscious Kid: https://www.theconsciouskid.org/ IG: https://www.instagram.com/theconsciouskid/?hl=en The post How to Talk to Kids about Asian-American Violence & Racism with Dr. Christine Koh appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
40 minutes | Mar 16, 2021
How to Talk to Girls about Drama-Free Friendships with Annie Fox – ReRelease
How to Talk to Girls about Drama-Free Friendships The podcast provides information about girls and their friendships. What does it mean to have a great friend? What does it mean to be a good friend? And what can we do to help girls when their friendships get complicated, stressed or overwhelming? Our guest, Annie Fox, helps us navigate girls’ friendships with tips and scripts for every parent or concerned adult. Special Guest: Annie Fox Annie Fox is an Award winning writer, app developer and Educator Focusing on Social-Emotional learning and character development. Annie aims to teach kids to be good people because we need more good people. We are all villagers, so it’s up to us. Some of her books include: Teaching Kids to Be Good People, Too Stressed to Think?, the Middle School Confidential book and app series, and the Raymond and Sheila picture books series. Annie’s latest book, The Girls’ Q&A Book on Friendship, offers 8-12 year old girls (and their parents/teachers) 50 ways to fix a friendship without the DRAMA. And that topic, talking to girls about friendship, is what lands her on the show today and we couldn’t be more excited. Girls and friendship. For some, this topic makes them smile and think of the most endearing, close, meaningful relationships of their lives. For others, it makes them sweat and feel a little sick. Maybe it’s a little bit of both! There has been quite a lot of research on same-sex friendships- but perhaps the most renowned study was done by the National Institute of Mental Health in 2009—researchers looked inside the brains of children ages 8-17 to assess the responses to potential friendship opportunities. The results showed that the way girls responded to the anticipation of making a friend was quite different than the response of boys. In particular, Various areas of girls’ brains (the ones associated with reward, hormone secretion, social learning, and subjective feelings) lit up like crazy with the prospect of a new friendship. Boys? Virtually no activity. Some had decreased activity at the prospect of a new friendship. Friendships are clearly VERY important to girls! Now- that doesn’t always make it easy. When we really care about something or someone, we can get very invested—we can reap joy but we can also feel pain. And one of the things we continually hear about when it comes to girls and friendships is the drama that can come along with them. That’s why we have my friend, Annie Fox, on the show today. Tips: What to do when the girls in your life are having friendship issues, how to choose the right friends, how to be her own best friend, The importance of demonstrating empathy, respect and compassion in your relationships if you want your child to adopt these ways of interacting. Scripts: What to say to your child when a friend of your child is not the kind of person you’d like your child to be around due to the friend’s behavior. How girls can have such high intelligence when it comes to how to cope with friendships (when other people are having problems) but have great difficultly dealing with their own friendships when they are in the middle of them. Information about “the breathing challenge.” How to develop a set of standards about friends- real vs “the other kind.” How to expose your daughter to other friendship groups. Important Messages: Girls’ friendships can feel very intense and intimate—almost like love relationships. So when they are challenged or compromised, it can feel like a real threat. Social media adds a layer to these friendships- instead of the bell ringing and each girl going home, thinking about the problem, cooling down and moving on, social media keeps issues fresh and can make them more problematic. The bell rings, the texting begins. This takes away room to process and calm down. We must learn to listen- given that texts and social media is all about split-second back and forth conversations in which nobody is really listening- it’s vital that parents, teachers and coaches learn to listen. Don’t put-down your daughter’s bestie as you will likely be shutdown. Ask your daughter what it’s like to be with her friend if you are seeing some problematic behavior. You may be surprised by what she says. We have to teach girls to calm down so that they can think more clearly about friendships while they are coping with frustrations. We can’t always protect our girls from bad friendships. Notable Quotables: “When the bell rings, the texting begins. The recruiting others to ‘my side’ of the feud, getting people to pile on, to show loyalty…this takes away our opportunity as individuals to process, reflect and to cool down. Kids nowadays have very little time to just take a deep breath, get their hands off of the keyboard, and disengage from the drama so that they can come back to the decision-making in a more mature way.” “Social media hasn’t caused problems in friendship but has taken away opportunities to solve problems more effectively.” “When your daughter is clearly upset about what is going on that is taking place in the device in her hand, you would do very well to advise her to take her hands off of the keyboard.” “Just listen to your daughter. That’s such a rare thing when kids are constantly engaged in this split-second repartee via text. Nobody is really listening. Let her talk about her feelings without interrupting will let her release some of that intensity that makes everything feel like such an emergency.” “You’ve got to walk the walk. If you prioritize your daughter becoming a person who is empathetic, compassionate and a good friend, then you need to show her by your example that you treat her and all the people in your life with that kind of compassion, empathy and respect.” “Make it very clear to your daughter that she needs to be her own best friend first.” “When our kids are hurting, it hurts us.” “Girls often fall into friendships like we fall into romances. Sometimes it works out and sometimes you may find out that this person you initially you were just crazy about really has a lot of character traits and values that don’t mesh well with yours so it’s not a good match. Because girls become so invested and they don’t have the breadth of friendships or the life experience, they tend to hang onto friendships where we would have just said, ‘I’m sorry but this just isn’t working.’ They come from a scarcity and think ‘I may not have another best friend.’” “Friendship is a two-way street. So if this is what you are saying you expect ‘from people I call my friends,’ what can other people expect of you in friendship? How do you rate yourself on these characteristics?” “You don’t have to go into emergency mode when your friend is having a bad day. You owe it to her and to yourself and to the friendship to find out what’s going on if she is no longer being kind and respectful.” Want #girls to have drama-free friendships? We discuss it w/ @Annie_Fox on #talktokids #podcast->Click To Tweet Girls fall into friendships like we do romances says @Annie_Fox. Great tips for #parents #podcastClick To Tweet Resources: www.AnnieFox.com Teaching Kids to Be Good People Too Stressed to Think? Middle School Confidential book and app series, Raymond and Sheila picture books series. The Girls’ Q&A Book on Friendship The post How to Talk to Girls about Drama-Free Friendships with Annie Fox – ReRelease appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
49 minutes | Mar 2, 2021
How to Talk to Kids about Thriving in an Uncertain World with Michele Borba, Ed.D
How to Talk to Kids about Thriving in an Uncertain World This podcast focuses on how to help kids thrive in an uncertain world. Have you ever noticed that even when all the odds are stacked against some kids, somehow certain kids rise above and thrive? These kids are the thrivers! They have skills, traits and practices that allow them to shine while others struggle. What are their secrets? We discuss them in today’s podcast with author, Dr. Michele Borba. Special guest: Michele Borba, Ed.D Are you finding that kids these days are “running on empty?” While there is no lack of high-achieving kids that are arguably more accomplished, better educated, and more privileged than ever before, they also seem to be more stressed, unhappier, and struggling. We have heard in numerous podcast episodes with top experts that kids are suffering from anxiety, depression, and burnout at younger and younger ages. My next guest says that thrivers are different though: they flourish in our fast-paced, digital-driven, often uncertain world. Why? It turns out that they’ve aced the traits that set them on a happy, healthy, high performing path–confidence, empathy, self-control, integrity, curiosity, perseverance, and optimism. These traits will allow kids to roll with the punches and succeed in life. How? For that we will turn to my friend and colleague, Dr. Michele Borba. Michele Borba, Ed.D is an internationally renowned educator, award-winning author, and parenting child expert recognized for her solution-based strategies to strengthen children’s and social-emotional intelligence and character and reduce peer cruelty. A sought-after motivational speaker, she has spoken on 19 countries in five continents, and served as a consultant to hundreds of schools and corporations. Dr. Borba is an NBC contributor who has appeared 150 times on the TODAY show and countless oher shows. She is the award-winning author of 24 books translated into 19 languages including 2 that we’ve already interviewed her about on the show– End Peer Cruelty, Build Empathy, and UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World. Her newest book, Thrivers: The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine is out this week and we are so excited to have one of her very first interviews on this book! Important Messages: Longitudinal studies showing that despite adversities, some kids were thriving and others were not—1/3 of them were thriving! Why? The kids have astutely relayed to you that their lives are crammed, they have to be picture-perfect, they feel rushed and passionless and lost. They are striving but they are not thriving. What might happen? Smart kids- well loved- great opportunities- felt like they were running on empty. Parenting kids for GPA, test score and rank- missing the skills to do well in life. Kids feeling like products. Look at longitudinal studies- #1 time to stop working on talents is at age 13. Gain purpose. But they don’t have enough time to work on their strengths and passions! Take a look at your kid- what do they gravitate towards? Natural talent and strengths. Who is your kid? That gives them the substance to help them know “this is who I am.” Our best toolkit is figuring out who our child is and letting them draw us down their path. Have the conversations! Ask them questions. What do you see yourself becoming? What do you like about X? Helps us see the passion- and allow kids more time to explore and hone skills. Helps kids to bounce back. Decompress, relax, feel good. Lasts their lives. Many don’t feel they have time for hobbies! (Family hobbies? Start there.) Notations- who your child is. Connection between strengths and passions. Exercise: Define strengths. Draw me a picture/write this sentence. Now do it with the other hand. “How did it feel? Strengths- easy, feels natural, automatic, feels strong. That’s what a strength is!” The weaker- causes more stress, harder to do, doesn’t mean we’ll stop working on it- but good to know what real strengths are! Let’s keep stretching in that direction. Acknowledge strength: “It really looks like you enjoy cello because I see you spending more time on it. Even when you have some difficulty, you stick with it. That’s a strength area for you!” How can we develop this strength further? Need a mentor? University of Chicago- the passion can indicate a vocation. Strength-based language- Adam Grant- call it by a noun not a verb. Character strengths. Kind and respectful—instead I see you are a helper rather than just “you like to help.” Also use “because” “I see you are respectful Because you are…” Empathy- we need to “let our kids know that they’re loved and cherished but not better, superior or worthier than another.” Empathy seems to be highest correlation with positive mental health. Kids are good at the digital- but they are looking down not up. We need to stress “we” not “me.” Talk about feelings. Speak out loud. Give permission to share their feelings. Help them notice other people’s feelings. We do this far better with our daughters than our sons- need both. Help your child look for the signs of emotion. “Notice when Grandma’s voice starts to get quieter and she seems a little more tired so you know when to get off the phone.” Watch the movies and shows that talk about emotions. Inside Out. Charlette’s Web. Do it with your child. “What would you do if that happens to you?” Show them empathy matters. Zoom playdates. Read alouds with friends. Watch who you are exposing your child to- we are more likely to empathize with those “like us.” Age, gender, race, economic background, etc. Expose to diversity. Can’t think when you are hurt. Help: Ask 2 questions: (1) How would you feel if that happened to you? (2) What would you need in order to feel better? Martin Hoffman. Think of other point of view. CALM: (1) Stay Calm: When you are hurt, you can’t make good decisions. (2) Practice assertive come-back lines “Why did you do that?” “That really hurt my feelings. (3) L: Look the person in the eye when you say it. Look confident! (4) M: Voice like you mean it. “Stop it! That hurts. I don’t like that.” Self control: Our mistake is waiting until the trigger comes. Waiting for the meltdown. “What are the signs that are telling you that you are starting to get more irritable?” “Look at Daddy, he’s taking his deep breath!” “Mommy’s feet are moving quicker!” “Little Johnny’s hands are in fists, he looks like he’s getting more irritable!” Take time to identify these signs. How do kids know when YOU are getting upset? You can give a signal. STORY: Michael Phelps. Got energy out in swimming pool. Mom came up with signal. She turned her hand into a C which meant “calm down.” Calm down corner. What makes them feel calm? Anyone can use it. Sheet over table. Music. Ban bag chair. Bubbles. Stuffed animal. (1) Signal (2) Calm down corner Back in sync. Invite your child to come up with what they need. Some need physical, some need music, some need sensory. Different kids need different things. Give repertoire of stuff! Until they can figure out what works for them- then help them to practice. So they can do it in the heat of the moment when the parent isn’t there. Integrity- friendship, money, achievement in school. Buy into the fact is that integrity is one of the highest correlations to resilience. Strong moral code, reduces stress. Talking about integrity not as important as modeling it. What really matters in your house? FAST FORWARD TO 40: What are the values I want to see in him or her then? What am I going to do in the current moments? When I was 6- marking pens- what kind of family we want to be and how we want to be remembered, how described as a family. Write down all the words. We can’t be them all- so pick one. “The Caring Perlins.” Part 2- how did you remember? It’s impossible not to remember. Remember we’re the caring perlins! Was that a caring perlin kind of an act? Is that what a caring perlin would do? Need to know the value and the reason. Gains and turn-around plans instead of failures. When a child sees a failure and thinks, “so what am I going to do next time?” he’s more likely to thrive.” Make mistakes okay in the family. Be open about your mistakes. “I blew that recipe. Next time I’ll…” Then use that language next time- turn around plans. Keep making steady gains towards your goal- it’s not the goal all at once. That’s what success is- a four letter word spelled GAIN. “The little stumbler”- practice that one little piece- then you can have a turn-around plan. Failure seems so final. Change language. Protective buffers are part of a thriver. If we keep modeling resilience, the more they will see it and do it. Say “I got this” your voice becomes their inner voice. We have endured an unprecedented time- it’s an uncertain world- rethink what we need to do to raise our kids during this uncertain time. Notable Quotables: “Thriving kids are made, not born.” “We’re parenting kids for GPA, test score and the rank. We’re not going to stop helping kids do well in the classroom but we need the well-rounded kid who doesn’t only do well in school but in life.” “We need to help our kids feel a sense of ‘this is who I am.’ That is what’s going to give them the thriver’s sense of ‘I got this’ because you are going with their strengths not their weakness.” “Our best toolkit is figuring out who our child is and letting them draw us down their path.” “Take a moment to take an index card notation on who your child is—that who is going to help you direct your child’s path for the rest of their life.” “Kids keep saying they are really good at the digital- but they are looking down, not up, and they don’t know how to read each other.” “Give your children in your own home permission to share their feelings.” “Ask your child these 2 questions: (1) How would you feel if that happened to you? and (2) What would you need in order to feel better? It will help your child think of other person’s point of view.” “FAST FORWARD TO 40: What are the values I want to see in him or her then?” “When a child sees a failure and thinks, ‘so what am I going to do next time?’ he’s more likely to thrive.” A thriver is the kid who says; “I got this” and “I can do it.” “The most important thing that parents and teachers can do to help kids thrive is be resilient yourself.” Thriving kids are made, not born, says @MicheleBorba on How to #TalktoKids about Anything. Why do some kids struggle while others shine? Listen in here! #ThriversClick To Tweet Resources: Thrivers: The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Other Shine Michele Borba’s Website Social Media for Dr. Robyn: facebook.com/DrRobynSilverman twitter.com/DrRobyn instagram.com/DrRobynSilverman facebook.com/HowToTalkToKidsaboutAnything The post How to Talk to Kids about Thriving in an Uncertain World with Michele Borba, Ed.D appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
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