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How To Talk To Kids About Anything
56 minutes | Oct 12, 2021
How to Talk to Kids about ‘Mean Girl’ Social Aggression with Katie Hurley, LCSW – ReRelease
How to Talk to Kids about ‘Mean Girl’ Social Aggression Perhaps, like me, you remember mean girl behavior being relegated to middle school or high school. Being ostracized, gossiped about, teased, berated or made to feel inferior. I certainly was a victim of it. Perhaps you were too. And it was terrible. But there seems to have been an age-compression of sorts—where the ugly behavior we once saw in teens, is now happening in younger grades- where competition and social humiliation is on the rise. What we once discussed regarding queen bees and cliques in 5th and 6th grade is now the buzz of 1st and second graders. It can no longer be ignored- we must address this right now. Special Guest: Katie Hurley Katie Hurley, LCSW, has been on our show before in a popular episode on stress and children- and she is back to talk about young girls and relational aggression in the elementary school years. Katie is a child and adolescent psychotherapist, parenting expert, and writer. She is the founder of “Girls Can!” empowerment groups for girls between ages 5-11. Hurley is the author of The Happy Kid Handbook and the forthcoming No More Mean Girls, and her work can be found in The Washington Post, PBS Parents, and US News and World Report, among other places. She practices psychotherapy in the South Bay area of Los Angeles and earned her BA in psychology and women’s studies from Boston College and her MSW from the University of Pennsylvania. She splits her time between California and Connecticut with her husband and two children. The podcast provides: Why relational aggression can’t be boiled down to “girl drama” and the problem that creates. What is changing in childhood to make room for relational aggression in younger years. Tips to help girls be more assertive Tips to curb perfectionism that is linked to a dip in self esteem Positive risks girls can take to show courage Rules girls should be thinking through as they are online more and accessing friends online Script: How to talk to a girl who feels she is a victim of mean girl behavior How “mean girls” can change into kind girls and how “victims” can change into “take-charge girls. Top tips and resources from Katie around relational aggression. Important Messages: Girl drama does not need to be part of “growing up girl.” This “mean girl” behavior usually comes from poor social skills, low self esteem and/or anxiety. When we were little, teachers had the time and space to deal with exclusivity or relational aggression behavior. Lives are more scripted these days- adults leading and guided- so they aren’t learning more organically how to relate to other girls. Girls are exhausted! There are so many scheduled activities. Is there time for sleep? De-stressing? Reading? Playing? Competition is girls’ sports is toxic. Slow down! Let’s help girls take the time to think about what they really love to do and who they love to spend time with! Watch media with your girls- pause the TV and discuss the “girl drama” you see. Teach girls to say “no” and set healthy boundaries. They’ve been socialized to NOT say no. Have a debate night so that kids can learn how to use their voice. Play shifts with age but kids (and adults) play. Use media to talk about behavior. When they can pick behavior apart on the screen, they can learn to amplify their voices and stand a little taller. Use debate, in a fun way, to get your girls to be more assertive. We sometimes dismiss our girl’s feelings out of fear and nervousness. Body image can have a profound effect on self esteem Take a deep breath and ask questions about what is contributing to a girl feeling the way she does. Comparisons happen all the time. Talk honestly with your girls- ask why they are feeling as they do. Nobody wants to have these conversations but we have to have them! Try practicing conversations in the mirror. There are always do-overs! Mistakes are made- and as parents, we can revisit. Perfectionism is a big problem right now for kids. We have to convey that there is no way to be perfect. Find outlets for girls that are healthy but not competitive. Give girls role models so that they understand the missteps and mistakes we make along the way. Talk to girls younger- they need these discussions earlier. Slow down. Be quiet for a few minutes. Think through our thoughts first without overreacting. Listen without strategizing. Empathize. Ask; what will make you feel better at school? Who else is a good touchstone for you at school? Make a friendship map. Help your daughter map out her friendships so she sees that there is more than just one person in the world. It’s hard to empathize when you think your kid is doing something atrocious but we have to steer the conversation towards empathy. Our gut instinct is to either deny it or to consequence but these don’t work. Sometimes it’s got to be our daughters. Model empathy and how we handle rough spots. Spend more one-on-one time with girls. Notable Quotables: “Girl drama does not need to be part of ‘growing up girl.’ But if we continue to look the other way and say ‘it’s a rite of passage,’ it will continue. “We don’t need to prepare our girls for ‘mean girl behavior,’ we can help our girls become the change agents who stop it from happening.” “Assertiveness training for girls is so important that I can’t highlight that enough. Girls need to learn how to say no, how to stand up straight, look people in the eye and use an assertive voice that’s not overpowering but can be heard and are clear. These are all things that girls need to learn.” “Sometimes we accidently dismiss our daughter’s feelings. They are saying they don’t think they look right or they don’t look like their friends and their parents say, ‘no you’re beautiful! You’re perfect just as you are!” While these are nice platitudes, they don’t do anything for how the girls are feeling. Their bodies are changing everyday. And we tell our girls, ‘don’t make comparisons!” But that doesn’t stop them from making those comparisons or wondering how they stack up—that’s part of growing up. Talk honestly with kids. Don’t be afraid. Ask them, why do you feel this way?” “Perfectionism is a big problem for girls right now. But the world is better when you aren’t trying to be some version of perfect. I like to tell girls, ‘we can strive for excellence, we can strive for success, but we have to be willing to fall short and stumble along the way because nobody gets from A to Z without hitting a single obstacle.’” “The problem with all this toxic competition between girls right now is that someone always has to be the best. And if there’s a best then there’s a worst. And who wants to be the worst?” “There’s a lot of pressure on girls right now. It’s really no wonder girls are struggling with perfectionism. They are hearing it on the field. They’re hearing it at school. They’re getting it somewhere at home. They’re comparing themselves to their siblings or their best friends or their cousins. Parents want their kids to be successful. So it’s really not that off the mark that so many girls are struggling with perfectionism.” “We’ve got to teach girls that everyday is a new day to start again. My father always used to say that the thing he liked best about sunsets is if you had the perfect day, it was a beautiful way to end it with the colors dripping from the sky. But if it was a lousy day, it was a beautiful way to end it with the colors dripping from the sky because you knew you got another shot the next day. We need to say these things to our girls.” “If a girl comes home to tell you about relational aggression, slow down your own responses. Be ok with sitting in silence. It’s better to be quiet and think through your responses than to overreact quickly and in the moment. Our girls take their cues from us.” “When girls are going through relational aggression, they are in survival mode at school when they’re away from you. You are their lighthouse. They are waiting for that beam of light to wash over them and make them feel better. So, we can’t panic! We have to listen.” “The first step when your child comes to tell you about relational aggression is to make sure she knows she’s not alone.” “If we want kids to shift their thinking and connect better with other kids, we have to get down and dirty with them and talk about what’s beneath the behavior. Every behavior is a form of communication—even targeting other kids.” “Just because your girl is doing unkind things or saying unkind things right now doesn’t mean that she’s not a good person. It means she is going through something and she doesn’t know how to communicate in a better way. “Between the ages of 9 and 12 years old is make it or break it for self esteem. Our girls are either going to fly or they’re going to tank. Spend one-on-one time with your girls and you will help them fly if you just give them your time.” How do we #talktokids about mean girl behavior? @KatiefHurley discusses #NoMoreMeanGirls and gives #tipsandscripts about how to help #girls cope with relational aggression, competition and perfectionism. #podcastClick To Tweet Girl drama does not need to be part of growing up girl. But if we continue to look at it as a rite of passage, it will continue, says @Katiefhurley on #talktokids #podcastClick To Tweet Resources: No More Mean Girls The Happy Kid Handbook PracticalKatie.com Facebook.com/KatieHurleyLCSW The post How to Talk to Kids about ‘Mean Girl’ Social Aggression with Katie Hurley, LCSW – ReRelease appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
19 minutes | Oct 5, 2021
How to Talk to Kids about Instagram and Social Media with Devorah Heitner
How to Talk to Kids about Instagram and Social Media Special Guest: Devorah Heitner, PhD Today is a Talk to Kids Shortie—which we are having because it has been revealed that Instagram is worse for kids than we thought. And I know this really worries my listeners. Specifically- New documents reveal that Facebook knows just how harmful its Instagram app is for many tween and teen girls. The Wall street journal shared findings of what Instagram’s internal researchers called a “teen mental health deep dive,” including a study that found Instagram makes body image issues worse for 1 in 3 teen girls. So we have on the fabulous Devorah Heitner on the show to shed some light on what’s going on, what we can do as parents and how we can talk to kids about the pitfalls of social media (and IG itself) so that they don’t fall victim to poor self esteem, poor body image and poor self worth. Bio: Devorah Heitner has been on our podcast twice already and is the author of Screenwise—and the forthcoming book, Growing Up Public. Important Messages: Instagram is life captured without the boring parts. Social medias- all about social comparison. Likes, comments, positive reaction. We need to ungamify social media with kids. Quality over quantity relationships! New to social media? Limit the number of apps (start with one!), limiting who you can follow and who can follow you (friends and family), limit time, learn the ropes. Social media is a performance. Highlight reel. Mentoring not monitoring or getting them off social media entirely. Talk about: the problems of social media and social comparison. Ask: Who are you following? Help them evaluate what kind of experience they are having so they can take their own emotional temperature. That is; when you scroll and look at this app, how do you feel? What’s your reaction? When you scroll another app, is it more neutral? Negative? Positive? Spend more time on the positive. They can curate the content in their feeds to protect their mental health. Certain sites- they are going to trigger the algorithm that brings more of that content to you. Diet influencer? More diet information. Child just getting in- only follow friends or family. If they are going to follow an influencer or celebrity- have the family conversation. Who is this person? If you tell the app that you are interested in this kind of person, you are asking it to give you more of the same kind of information. (If you follow Greta Thunberg, you’ll get more info about climate change). Think about what’s on the edges of what you are following- especially when you veer off friends and family. Steer away from the explore part of IG when you are new. Stick with small group of friends- different experience. If your child is interested in entrepreneurship, then that can be positive. Discuss it. Model it: Cultivate positive habits. When has social media and other screen pursuits been distracting? What can we do about it? (Maybe think about – Put in other room? Turn off at night? Cut off time?) Remind kids prioritize what you love- people you love- over social media. If you are just scrolling, you aren’t trying to get better at it. Who do you want to spend time with? Who are sharing with and what are you sharing- are you being overly vulnerable? Your inner most thoughts? Things that would make other people feel bad? Reality check what they see. Is this too good to be true? Let’s find out more- where are they getting this information? Is this accurate? Do they know what they are talking about? Everyone is posting for attention and validation. Promote business. Remind people of you. Show your character. Don’t say- why did you post this? Instead, talk about the universals. “We all want likes, we all want validation, we all want attention when we post. We all want to be perceived as funny or interesting or happy- or maybe we are looking for “pretty,” “beautiful,” etc. Is my child going after negative attention? Don’t meet that head on. Ask yourself; how can I meet this child’s need for attention and validation or help them find other outlets to meet those needs? (Intervene if it’s a major problem- Devorah interviewed a family with a child who was posting false information to get attention- like that her brother died in an accident). It can feel really bad to say “you need this attention so now I’ll give it to you.” You don’t need to provide your whole thought process. What would be healthy? Maybe they need to do a social project…maybe they need to play their instrument… Social media so rarely gives us what we want in terms of deep validation. Saying “I know more than you, and this is bad for you,” you may not get very far. Be honest about the culture. Make sure not toxic. Maybe look at positive body influencers instead. If child has risk factors- then limit to friends and family and look at time- use when feeling grounded. Or may not use it. ASK: What are the benefits or losses associated with taking a break from social media? Let them know: “There’s some negative messages out there and algorithms can make it so your feed is suddenly filled with negative messages.” Discuss the filter bubble- my internet is different than your internet. (Ted Talk) Eli Pariser https://www.ted.com/talks/eli_pariser_beware_online_filter_bubbles?language=en (Book) https://www.amazon.com/Filter-Bubble-Personalized-Changing-Think/dp/0143121235 Say; “My internet is different from your internet because of the algorithms and you don’t want to trigger an algorithm that sends you harmful messages as a growing up person because we need to protect your growing up brain.” This is similar to the talk you’d have about porn or extreme violence. This is also on social media. Not just IG- Tik Tok has some real pernicious stuff- even pinterest can show porn. Just because you use it for knitting, doesn’t mean it can’t have bad stuff on it. Your experience of pinterest might be all about crafting but someone else’s might be very different.” Notable Quotables: “Social media is all about social comparison– how many likes, comments or followers someone else has. As much as possible, we want to talk about ‘ungamifying’ social media, focusing on the quality relationships rather than the quantity. “Kids need to learn that social media is a performance—people are selling stuff, peddling information, trying to become influencers, or just trying to look like we have a life that’s interesting and fun.” Talk to kids about social media comparison, ask them who they are following and help them to evaluate the kind of experience they are having so they can take their own emotional temperature. How do they feel when they are on this social media app?” “We need to tell kids that they can curate the content in their feeds to protect their mental health.” “Remind kids to prioritize face to face contacts and hobbies they love over social media. What do they want to get better at- French? Gymnastics? Your instrument? Those are the things you want to prioritize as well as the friends that you really give you life and support you and make you happy.” “There are a lot of healthy ways to get attention in the world and be validated and seen—and social media so rarely gives us what we want on that front.” “We live in a culture that’s racist and misogynist and fat-phobic and we need to make sure we are not getting too many of these toxic messages in these social spaces.” “It’s not just Instagram- let’s not just throw Instagram under the bus. Tik Tok has some real pernicious stuff and even pinterest can show porn. Just because you might use that app for knitting advice, doesn’t mean it can’t have bad stuff on it. Your experience of pinterest might be all about crafting but someone else’s might be very different.” As much as possible, we want to talk about ungamifying social media, focusing on the quality relationships rather than the quantity. I interview @DevorahHeitner on #talktokids for a podcast shortie!Click To Tweet @DevorahHeitner on this week's #talktokids podcast shortie, she answers the question- is instagram bad for kids? Click To Tweet Resources: www.RaisingDigitalNatives.com Screenwise: Helping Kids Thrive & Survive in Their Digital World The post How to Talk to Kids about Instagram and Social Media with Devorah Heitner appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
59 minutes | Sep 28, 2021
How to Raise Boys to Become Good Men with Michael Reichert, Phd – ReRelease
How to Raise Boys to Become Good Men with Michael Reichert, Phd This podcast will focus on how to raise boys so that they feel connected, understood, loved and fully themselves. So many boys are made to feel that they must fit into what is referred to as “The Man Box” which strictly polices and defines what it means to be a boy and a man. The result is boys who feel that they can’t truly express themselves, connect with others and be who they truly are. Michael C. Reichert, PhD, author of How to Raise a Boy, speaks with Dr. Robyn Silverman about the power of connection and how we can best help boys to become good men who are self-aware, caring, healthy and fulfilled. Special guest: Michael Reichert, PhD We’ve talked quite a bit about girls on this show—and how many things are changing for girls due to the momentum of the women’s movement. But what about the boys? How do you raise boys to become great men? How do we raise boys to feel connected to himself and feel connected to others? For many of our sons, while the world of girls seems to be expanding, the world of boys seems often to be contracting—restricting who boys can be in society’s where masculinity and all its attributes, fits in one tightly guarded box—the man box. Our next guest feels that this is a loss- it’s a loss for us and it’s a loss for the boys. He asks; what can be done to ameliorate the loses of boyhood? How can we protect the boys in our care from threats built into boyhood? How can we ensure that our sons are well prepared for and well launched to manhood? The answer has to do with connection—something that our boys are losing—and at an early age. And our guest feels that we have an opportunity, right now, to change things around and help boys do boyhood right. Michael Reichert writes, in his new book, “How to Raise a Boy” that boys are really in need of something that seems to counter the toughness and the independence touted by the man box—and that is “a relationship in which a boy can tell that he matters … A young man’s self confidence is not accidental or serendipitous but derives from experiences of being accurately understood, loved, and supported.” Michael Reichert is an applied and research psychologist who has immersed himself in clinical, research, and consultation experiences that have afforded a deep understanding of the conditions that allow a child to flourish in natural contexts: families, schools and communities. He has created and run programs in both inner city communities and in some of the most affluent suburban communities in the world. He founded and continues to lead The Center for the Study of Boys’ and Girls’ Lives a research collaborative at the University of Pennsylvania and has conducted a series of global studies on effective practices in boys’ education. Since 1984, Dr. Reichert has maintained a clinical practice outside Philadelphia, PA., specializing in work with boys, men and their families and continues to serve as the supervising psychologist at a nearby boys’ school. He has published numerous articles and several books, including Reaching Boys, Teaching Boys: Lessons About What Works—and Why, I Can Learn From You: Boys as Relational Learners, and the just-released How to Raise a Boy: The Power of Connection to Build Good Men. The podcast provides: Why it’s important to talk about connection in boys and ensure that we are making an effort to connect with boys—as they need connection, a human need, just as much as girls do. A discussion about “The Man Box” which delineates what it means to be a boy—providing strict guidelines, boundaries and limits that lead to shame and disconnection. Why it’s important to talk about and show boys that we do not need to be confined to “The Man Box.” What is in the way of connecting and talking with boys. Why special time with boys is increasingly important. How BOTH mothers and fathers as well as female and male teachers are integral in helping to connect with boys and get out of “The Man Box.” How to #MeToo era is helping boys re-identify with who they really are and who they want to be. Important Messages: It used to be that relationships dominance and submission were the norm- it’s now changing. Questioning. Males dominate in the 15-30 age category in the 15 top causes of preventable death. Notion- biology is destiny. Don’t think we are willing to do that any longer. The Man Box: Metaphor of masculine norms. Behaviors- prescribed. Stray from norms- get policed back into the box. Peers police other kids—but 60% of the young men in one survey said they learned these norms from their parents. The boys/men that subscribe most to the masculine norms are the ones who are most likely to be depressed, anxious, harass others, bully, be bullied, feel suicidal. Loss to be self. If you are hiding who you are in man box- unable to tell people who you are and express self- feel alone. Not enjoying the uplift that comes with being connected. Human beings are not built to be disconnected- we don’t tolerate that well. We want to educated men about being male- but prior generation inadvertently passing on prejudices that we are simply unaware of So important to listen to boys—as a starting point. Expression of emotion- teach boys “feeling rules”—shouldn’t be sad or scared—as boys. (Instead of letting a child get the feeling out so he can cope with it). Says to boys; “we don’t want to know what you’re really experiencing. We only want you to conform to our ideal of what it means to be a man.” Study: 4 year old boys (under Carol Gilligan). A huge change over 4 years of being studied. Learned how to put on a mask and play the part. Less direct, less articulate, less authentic, less expressive. Strategies- (1) Listening (2) Special time. We must pay attention to boys—but so many ideas of how boys should behave and it gets in our way. Want good learning for boys? Primary factor, according to the global study Reichert conducted, was feeling connected to the teacher. Teachers forget this. When a child seems checked out—teacher reverts to force, scolding, etc—instead of connection. Child loses motivation to learn. For whom the boy will learn that matters. We are wired to be connected—we need to be connected- but stick boys in man box, when upset or frightened, we don’t respond in a relational way- we respond out of upsets of our own. In that moment, during misbehavior, we want our sons to self regulate- assume sons are inherently good and cooperative. We assume that our relationship is strong so we can influence them- except when emotions are hijacking them. They can signal that they need help- so they act out. Needs limit setting. Listen Limit Listen. Not to make them fear them. Yelling and forcing and shaming- thought that was useful for self regulation. But it’s not. We just need to set the limit. “You know Johnny, it seems that you are unable to do what you’ve been asked to do right now- and it seems like something is going on. How about I put my hand here on your chest to make sure you don’t hurt your sister. I’m going to stay right here with you. How about you tell me what’s going on?” Listen—because there’s something driving them off course- this is not who he really is. Pay off- not conformity- it’s the outpouring of what’s driving him off course. Boy wants us to know- “know and love me.” Boys act out when they haven’t expressed a feeling in words- if they think the parent will become annoyed or they know that this is not how “a boy is supposed to act”—they act out instead. They are doing this instead of saying; “Can I tell you how scared I am of going up those stairs?” Boys need access. Our sons don’t require us to be perfect. What they require is that we remember that they depend upon the relational connection in order to flourish (and that it’s our responsibility as adults to be relationship managers). When behavior is poor, assume that the relationship has gone poorly in some way. Often we blame the other in relationship breakdown. I’m going to wait until the other fixes the problem. Our sons are at the outer edges of the vulnerability. They are intimidated by our power. Boys- afraid if they level with their parents, they ‘ll be punished more. The gap grows. Apologize for your part in the breakdown. Special time- not about doing things we want to do- but to do something they want to do and we’ll join them. Sit down with them and do whatever they are doing. That communicated that they are important and you want to spend time with them. Special time- predictable and dependable- that our sons can count on for us to be with him. Friendship: Boys likely to form their closest friendships with other boys. They can be a salvation. Strengthens a boy= resist peer pressure. Empowers a boy- they have a friend or ally- that enables a boy to resist a whole host of lower common denominator pressures. Life changing and life lasting. Yet- pressures that drive boys away from other boys (homophobia) and instead, a relationship with a female. Parents can help to orchestrate ways for their sons to meet other boys. We want our sons to articulate that they want a friend- allow him to join teams etc where they can meet other boys. Deep belief- something special about being a man and only another man know the secrets of that. Message affects mothers and fathers negatively. Says to moms that she can’t help and that they can create mama’s boys. Untrue. Moms can teach boys how to be good men just as father’s can. Fathers: Not our job to teach boys about masculinity- our job is to know them demythologize what it means to be a man by exhibiting our own humanity. We need to help boys feel that they can be themselves- and fight for the right to be the unique selves that they are. Gender equality is good for boys and for girls. Frees boys from “performing” masculinity in ways that do great harm. They don’t “perform” masculinity for girls but for boys. Hyper-masculitive performative theme. #MeToo—that’s not who the women are and it’s not who you—the men- are. Seeking closeness- be who you really are. Boys want this too. Study: 52% boys felt regret after a casual sexual relationship. Want closeness. Notable Quotables: “There’s never been a better time in human history to raise a boy. We are actually getting serious about the science of male development and considering with new eyes and new rigor the kind of outcomes we have normalized for generations. Routine casualities and losses are an inconvenient truth about the boyhood we’ve designed and that we’ve managed for boys—the losses of virtue, the losses of educational opportunity, the losses of emotional expressiveness, losses of health and well-being and most seriously, losses of life.” “We pass the ideas of what it means to be a male onto children almost beginning at the point that they are conceived.” “We project onto the concept of ‘boy’ all these inherited ideas which really have very little to do with boys’ actual natures and we gender them. We police boys into conformity in a way that robs them of really important developmental conditions and assets—the most fundamental of which is freedom to be themselves.” “So many of us in charge of boyhood—parents, teachers, coaches, youth leaders- we want to educate boys are being men and being male. The problem with that is that those of us who are in the prior generation wind up inadvertently passing on prejudices that we are simply unaware of and that we take for granted.” “It’s less important what we say to boys about masculinity than what we are able to create in terms of opportunities to talk to us.” “If we can create conditions that let them open up to us and be honest with us about what their experience is—if we can create a space within our relationship with us where they can open up to us spontaneously, they’re going to tell us about their life as boys and we’re going to receive the raw data of their experience. As they do that, they’ll strengthen their ability to resist the cultural norms that threaten to take them away from who they are.” “It’s not the experience of emotion that distinguishes boys and girls—it’s the expression of it.” “The greatest gift we can give our sons is to pay attention to them.” “Bad behavior is not who are boys are. They are behaviors that are driven by some kind of emotion that they have not found an opportunity to put into words and express.” “What matters is not that our relationships remain connected at all times, that’s unreasonable, what matters is that we keep reconnecting so that our sons have that vital life-force of relationship.” “What we want our sons to know in their hearts as well as in their minds, is that they are delightful and interesting people to us and that we’re going to make a space in our family life where we’re going to simply be with them, wherever they are.” “It doesn’t take a man to raise a boy. It takes a good relationship with a person who knows and loves him.” “To fathers; our job isn’t to teach boys about masculinity- our job is to know them and demythologize what it means to be a man by exhibiting our own humanity. The role model isn’t really about how to be tough or strong or how to fight for yourself—these are not the end all of what we have to convey to our sons—what we need to help them with is how to be themselves and fight for the right to be the unique and wonderful person that they are.” “If we want our sons to hold onto themselves, we have to hold onto them, ourselves.” The greatest gift we can give our sons is to pay attention to them-- and other inspirational things Michael C Reichert, PhD says on How to #TalktoKids about Anything-- is right here! Topic- How to Raise Boys to Become Good MenClick To Tweet Resources: https://www.michaelcreichert.com/ How to Raise a Boy: The Power of Connection to Build Good Men I Can Learn from You: Boys as Relational Learners Reaching Boys, Teaching Boys: Lessons about What Works and Why Social Media for Dr. Robyn: facebook.com/DrRobynSilverman twitter.com/DrRobyn instagram.com/DrRobynSilverman facebook.com/HowToTalkToKidsaboutAnything The post How to Raise Boys to Become Good Men with Michael Reichert, Phd – ReRelease appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
58 minutes | Sep 21, 2021
How to Talk to Kids about the Lifechanging Benefits of Friendship with Lydia Denworth
How to Talk to Kids about the Lifechanging Benefits of Friendship This podcast episode focuses on friendship and how important it is—not just to our psychological wellbeing but to our physical health as well. Friendship, as it turns out, affects us down to our cellular level. How can we talk to kids about these important benefits and how loneliness and lack of friends can impact us as well? Dr. Robyn Silverman interviews Lydia Denworth, the author of Friendship: The Evolution, Biology, and Extraordinary Power of Life’s Fundamental Bond on the How to Talk to Kids about Anything podcast. Special Guest: Lydia Denworth The concept of friendship is universal and elemental. Friends have been called the family we choose. But is friendship just child’s play? What makes these bonds not just fun or pleasant but also essential? How do our friends and the relationships we have with them affect our bodies and our minds? We will delve into this important topic, what we need to know as parents but also how friendship is fundamental to all of us, as backed by evolution, biology and psychological research, with the well-celebrated author, Lydia Denworth. Bio Lydia Denworth is an award-winning science journalist and a sought-after speaker. She is a contributing editor at Scientific American and the author of Friendship: The Evolution, Biology, and Extraordinary Power of Life’s Fundamental Bond, which was named one of the best leadership books of 2020 by Adam Grant and called “the best of science writing” by Booklist. She has written two other books of popular science: I Can Hear You Whisper and Toxic Truth. Her work has also appeared in The Atlantic, New York Times, Wall Street Journal, Newsweek, Time and many other publications. She lives in Brooklyn, New York with her family. Important Messages: Think- what you eat and going for a jog is going to have more of an impact on your health- you feel your heart beating and muscles going- you have a sense of how this is connected to your physical life. How is it that something outside of the body- like friendship- get under the skin (as biologists say) and affect our health? Counterintuitive. Cardiovascular benefits- susceptibility to inflammation and viruses Sleep Stress Cognitive health- risk of dementia Mental health- risk of depression Rate at which our cells age (age faster if we are really lonely) Longevity- how long we live Loneliness vs alone: Social isolation (objective measure of amount of social connection- size of social network- experienced during pandemic). Loneliness: (Subjective measure) It’s the mismatch between the amount of social connection you want and the amount that you have.” Both kids can be an issue for your health. What matters more- being truly lonely and being unhappy about it. That loneliness that connects to physical issues. Two ends of a spectrum- good strong social integration on one side (friendship) and lack of it on the other (loneliness). Loneliness- can see the problem. Physiological issues. Immune system- white blood cells- lucasites- actually change how they are expressed. Genes lay out a blueprint of who you are going to be but experience has a lot to do with whether your genes are turned on or off—if they are expressed. (Like an opinion that is voices or not voiced). Loneliness can impact how their genes express themselves. Socially integrated- different profile of how cells express. (Also in other species!) Rhesus monkey- social stress- stable environment vs changing environment. Our bodies- if living in extreme poverty, extreme war times, loneliness is that stressful on body. Changes biology and makes us sicker. Flip side- friendship is good for us. Simple and profound. What about neglected and rejected kids? (1) Know how important friendship vs loneliness is and (2) Know you only need one friend to get benefits. Need to find their people or their person. (3) Takes a lot of time to make friend- might think we like someone right away- but still need time to get to know them. (Kids- do parallel play or do things together, second step is that they experience something special together. More connected by that. We put kids together and then there is a process that needs to play out. Needs time. All friendships need time. Harder as you get older—adult. No one way to do friendship. Your kid might socialize differently that you do. If your child struggles in every social area- that is cause for concern. With family over the holiday to school. Same issues everywhere? Then need help. But if you can find settings where a child can be more comfortable and confident, then that’s what to pursue. If you are really worried about a child, you want to see them in different settings- do they have the same issues every where they go? Get professional advice. So much of friendship is about shared interests. Aristotle even saw this. Shared interests, like the same things, similar. Careful! Parents see that everyone plays flag football and soccer they might think – I’m going to put my kid in there because that’s where they are going to make friends- but if your kid isn’t into it- might not be the best place to put your child. Have to separate your aspirations from who your kid is. We talk to kids about achievement, extra curricular activities, time management or organizational skills but we don’t often do the same things for their social skills. And we need to, sometimes. We don’t arrive in this world knowing how to make friends. Caroline Maguire (DrRobynSilverman.com/CMaguire_RR) talks about the kinds of behaviors that get in their way. Dominating conversation. Insisting that other people do what they want to do. Executive functioning. As parents, it’s often easy to point fingers and say it’s the other kids- but sometimes it’s your kid who is having a hard time figuring how to interact. Gently helping. How? What you enjoy that YOUR friend does. Model what you do for your friends. Talk about problems with friends- “I was with my friend Cathy and all she did was talk about herself.” Conversation starters. Talk through with kids- how to develop social skills. It takes time. And it’s something that needs to be learned! And practiced. Kids come into this world- social brains developed first by interactions with parents. When they get to school- other set of skills. Cooperation, collaboration and how to be a friend. Give help and not just receive it. With parents, they are always the ones helping you. A big part of friendship is helping others. Compromise. Interact with groups of peers. In a study of thousands of 6th graders- in US- larger middle schools Yes- 2/3 of kids change who they are friends with from September and June. When you’re in the middle of it, it doesn’t feel like it’s everyone. Interests seems to gel and become more prevalent in those school years and middle school years. What’s hard about friendship? What’s normal? Friends change over the course of our lives and that’s completely normal. You change, they change, your interests change, you move- so your friends change. And this is normal. What’s really important is that you have a couple of really good, strong, quality relationships. Popularity: It’s hard when we are adults because we see it more clearly. (1) “Being popular is not the same as having friends.” (2) What’s important is having one good friend. (Recognize that it’s hard- because we want to be connected and well liked). (3) Talk about that it’s not all that it looks like. (4) What is the definition of a good friend? Everyone seems to be talking about the same thing. A really good quality friendship has to have three things: It’s stable and long-lasting. Positive- makes you feel good. And it’s cooperative which means there’s a reciprocity to it. A back and forth. An evenness or a quality. People will talk about trust and companionships and kindness- “I would argue that all of those fall into these three categories.” That definition- translates to us how to be a good friend. (1) Be steady reliable presence. (2) Make them feel good, allow them to make you feel good. Does it work both ways? And (3) if it’s cooperative or lopsided. Hot and cold? Fight a lot? Not good for us. Kids are going to go through them as they are learning how it works. How do you feel when you are with so and so? Identify what are good strong qualities in friendship and what are not? Old friend- draining-but that’s not a healthy relationship. Ask the questions- can your kids come to their own conclusions byt leading them through the conversations? Works better when they figure it out on their own. Make talking about friends and friendship a part of the conversation with your kids from the get go. We often talk about it when it’s a problem. It’s worth talking about in big and important ways but we should be starting sooner than that. Start: How is it to be a good friend? How important it is to have good friends. Model it. “Mommy is having her playdate today.” “It’s good for you to have parents who are going out on a date tonight.” Normalize it. Social relationships are important to adults too. Not just mindful of making time for our friends to show they are important to us. Not always at the expense of family- but we need to make sure we aren’t always putting friends last. Good for everyone to make friendship a priority. Template for quality relationships across the board. Three buckets. Strong quality relationships with everyone. If we name someone a “best friend” then we are saying something about the quality of that relationship. Brothers can be great friends, for example. Quality matters most. Quantity isn’t as important. If they can find one friend- spend time with that person, lots of chances to find those people. Making friends vs letting go of friends. (1) Getting them to see that this person isn’t a good friend. (2) It’s ok to let go. Friendship circles. Tight inner circle- average of 4. A little bit of a bigger group 10-15. If a relationship is not a healthy one. Shuffle to outer circle. “You don’t have to get your emotional sustenance from that person.” (Demote) Core inner circle have to be rock solid. You don’t have to trust everyone like an inner circle person. Gossip- comes from a need for power. Laying waste to others. Challenging security and confidentiality. Allow your child and the friends to talk in the car together! Listen in to the dynamic. Technology, kids and friendship: Don’t pay attention to quantity- it’s the content and the context that kids are doing on line that matters. There are many ways you can be spending your time. The hysteria is overblown. Young science was overblown. At first, measuring time. Social media use marginally effects wellbeing. Wearing glasses is worse for your psychological wellbeing than screens (depending on what the kids are doing). Reframe how you are thinking about it. Are they using it to have fun with friends? Change your filter. (Just like the monkeys. Your online life tends to mirror your offline life. Being alone in life and on social media then that can be problematic. What we learn about friendship as a young person, it can show how we might handle friendship as we get older. Harvard study- when the men were 80, the thing that best predicated their health and wellbeing was not cholesterol or anything like that- it was how they were with their friends and relationships at age 50. Set up kids to be able to make and maintain friends. Notable Quotables: “Friendship is as important to your life as diet and exercise.” “Loneliness is the mismatch between the amount of social connection you want and the amount that you have.” “We know how bad loneliness is for us but the flip side is also true. Friendship is good for us. It’s simple and profound.” “There’s no one way to do friendship. Your kid might socialize differently that you do. If you can find settings where your child can be more comfortable and happy, that is really important knowledge. What you want to find is to find the places and the activities that help make kids feel comfortable and confident.” “We talk to kids about achievement, extra curricular activities, time management or organizational skills but we don’t often do the same things for their social skills. And we need to, sometimes. We don’t arrive in this world knowing how to make friends. We arrive with the instinct to want to make friends- and some of us are better at this than others.” “Friends change over the course of our lives and that’s completely normal.” “Make talking about friends and friendship a part of the conversation with your kids from the get go. We often talk about it when it’s a problem. It’s worth talking about in big and important ways but we should be starting sooner than that.” “With friendship, quantity matters some but quality matters most.” “Your online life tends to mirror your offline life.” “Friendship is a skill to be nurtured early and often.” Friendship is as important to your life as diet and exercise, says @LydiaDenworth on the How to #TalktoKids about Anything podcast. Find out why!Click To Tweet Friendship is a skill to be nurtured early and often, says @Lydia Denworth on the How to #TalktoKids about Anything podcast. Listen to the strategies, backed by science!Click To Tweet Resources: LydiaDenworth.com If you LOVED this episode, please check out these… Lynn Kenney: How to Talk to Kids about Big Feelings & Calming Down Techniques Wendy Young: How to Talk to Kids about Anger & Big Feelings. Margie Warrell: How to Talk to Kids about Being Brave Jessica Lahey: How to Talk to Kids about the Gift of Failure Michele Borba: How to Talk to Kids about Empathy & Entitlement The post How to Talk to Kids about the Lifechanging Benefits of Friendship with Lydia Denworth appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
63 minutes | Sep 14, 2021
How to Talk to Kids about Porn with Gail Dines – ReRelease
How to Talk to Kids about Porn This podcast will focus on talking to kids about porn. How do we raise children in a pornified culture? How does porn interrupt normal development in preteen and teen boys and girls? Parents, teachers and key adults play a huge role in helping kids grow up robust and healthy—and talking about the dangers of porn and the manipulative porn culture is imperative for healthy sexual development, connection, intimacy and relationships. “Do you know that porn sites get more visitors each month than Netflix, Amazon, and Twitter combined?” This was the way my next guest began her Ted Talk on Growing Up in a Pornified Culture. She went on to say that “we know from studies that nearly 90% of the top-watched rented scenes have at least physical or verbal abuse against the woman.” So what does this mean for our girls who must choose to go along with this culture and be defined by this culture or risk being deemed invisible and inconsequential. And what of our boys? Who are being educated by this culture to understand that to be a man is to embrace a culture taught to him on porn sites that devalue, abuse, hypersexualize and pornify girls and women. Dr. Gail Dines is a Professor Emerita of sociology and women’s studies at Wheelock College in Boston. She is the author of numerous books and articles, and her latest book, Pornland: How Porn Has Hijacked Our Sexuality, has been translated into five languages. Dr Dines is the founding president of the Non-profit, Culture Reframed. Dedicated to building resilience and resistance in children and youth to the harms of a hypersexualized and pornified society, Culture Reframed develops cutting-edge educational programs that promote healthy development, relationships, and sexuality. Dr. Dines is an internationally known speaker and consultant to governmental bodies here and abroad. The podcast provides: How the internet has changed porn culture—and why this change matters so much. The average age of porn exposure- and how this impacts the child’s development. Key tips that we can use to help provide resistance and resilience in the face of the porn industry. Scripts: What to say before your child is exposed to porn Scripts: What to say if your child has been exposed to porn. Scripts: What to say when we see provocative images in media What teachers and coaches can do during school hours or after-school hours to help kids deal in a healthy matter with porn culture What Culture Reframed is and how it can help Important Messages: Porn has changed due to the advent of the internet. It’s accessible, affordable and anonymous. (2000) 2007-2008 Fabian Thiman- MindGeek owns many of the free porn sites. It’s very stealth. Very violent scenes in typical porn that can be downloaded by anyone—free and easy to access. That means that a 12 year old boy who puts “porn” into google, can get catapulted immediately to rough, violent scenes that leave the women gasping for air, crying and in pain. It’s perfectly normal for the child to have sexual feelings as he is going through puberty. He is curious about sex. This is natural. Why would kids stay on these porn sites when what they are seeing is so violent? **The text that goes with these scenes is likely, in part, to blame. “Are you man enough for this?” “We know what you want and we’re giving it to you?” They are expecting one thing- and get another. They are feeling deep shame and yet he is aroused. It’s a toxic stew in his stomach of shame, ambivalence, anger, rage and confusion. If you don’t deal with the trauma, the kids go back to it and it can create addiction. They don’t feel like they have anyone to talk to about what they saw. The porn industry is making sexual curiosity developmentally inappropriate. From 30 years of empirical research the more you are exposed to porn, the less capacity you have for intimacy and relationships, more likely to aggress against a girl. Some will become addicts (not all). But all will be affected. Boys are trailing behind girls developmentally. They are more likely to have hook up sex, casual sex. Studies are saying that men in their 30s know no more about their own sexual development than they did when they were 18. Dating is so important for boys- girls (if the boy is straight) are the people who boys learn how to connect with in their lives. If this dating isn’t happening, boys don’t have this. What do you have when you have a man who is unable to talk about his emotions? Unable to connect? College boys are divulging—this is not who I am. The average age of kids getting a smartphone is age 10 ½. This device has aided in parents losing all control. Instagram has become a site where porn performers build a fan-base. Please note- that once you get to one of these performers on instagram, if you press on her profile link, you will immediately go to a porn site and will be exposed to hard core pornography. 5 seconds. If an adult got their in 5 seconds, a teen can get their in 3 seconds. The more girls self objectify and self internalize, the more depression, anxiety, more likely to get STDs, more likely to get pregnant at an early age, drop out of school and commit suicide. (American Psychological Association) 40-60% of girls who do nude selfies are bullied into it. When girls do it, they do it from the nose down and when boys do it, they do it from the neck done- girls are more identifiable. Colleges and employers look at digital imprint to see who will they choose for jobs. Increase sexual violence and sexual bullying. What will our boys look like when they become men? Give boys a sense of bodily integrity. We don’t expect boys to have their own sexual boundaries- isn’t that strange? Don’t blame and shame these kids who are falling victim to this industry. Kids are not fully working with a developmentally mature frontal cortex until early 30s. Movie in Scandinavian countries on bodily integrity using hamburgers and cheese- doesn’t talk about sex at all. Harvard study- what do you wish your child talk to you more about? The answer might surprise you—LOVE. If you know your child has been exposed to porn, approach it in a calm matter. Be mindful. Discussion questions: We need to talk about this. Is this a good time? Do you understand that the industry is trying to manipulate you? Do you understand that this is free now but the industry is trying to make you a habitual user?’ Kids hate to be manipulated. How did the images make you feel? When you are finished with this image, how does it make you feel?’ They feel terrible. How would you like to feel afterwards when you are in a relationship? Do you know that she is being paid? Remember, she doesn’t feel that she has choices. Parents can come to the schools and ask them to talk to kids about porn (sex ed, human development) because it’s critical to our kids. We want to be able to say that we’ve been fighting for our kids so that they can have a good life. Notable Quotables: “The average boy starts looking at porn between the ages of 11 and 13.” “The abstinence-only movement is the biggest gift to the porn industry. Absent of good education around sex, relationships and intimacy, kids will go to porn.” “When a 12-year-old boy accesses porn for the first time, he is expecting one thing and getting another. He is told that this is what he wants. He is feeling deep shame and yet he is aroused. It’s like a toxic stew in his stomach- of shame, ambivalence, anger, rage and confusion. We are traumatizing a generation.” “Kids who have been exposed to porn don’t feel they have anyone to talk to about it because often parents are likely to have a fit. This is the worst thing you can do because you just add shame onto those 11-year-old shoulders and the shame should be put very firmly on the porn industry- not on that boy.” “We are traumatizing our boys. And when we traumatize our boys and lay waste to them, we are actually going to lay waste to our girls. And when we lay waste to our next generation of boys and girls, we actually lay waste to the culture.” “What are the long-term implications of this massive social experiment of bringing up boys who are just a click away from hard core porn?” “The porn industry is cheating boys and girls out of becoming authors of their own sexuality.” “Feminists are thought to be man-haters. This is a complete upside-down analysis. The truth is that feminists are men’s best friends. We are the only group rooting for their humanity.” “We don’t need to say ‘boys will be boys.’ This is too low of a bar. We need to say that ‘we believe in your humanity and we’re going to fight for it.’” “As a mother, I refuse to believe that my son was born with less capacity for intimacy than girls. If I fight on behalf of my son’s humanity, then I will fight on behalf of your son’s humanity.” Do you remember when we used to take pictures of other people? “Due to this selfie culture, where no photo is good enough, we are bringing up a generation of girls who are narcissistic voyeurs of their own bodies.” “Porn is violence against women.” “From a public health perspective, the best protective factor for anything to do with kids, is having well-educated, skilled parents.” “The average tween is going to want to be anywhere else than talking to you about porn.” “Girls are being told she has only two choices—she is either fuckable or invisible.” “What do you want from our girls? We can’t ask her to choose invisibility.” “If you look at porn, they are going to steal away the ability to be the author of your own sexuality.” “Your penis is connected to your head and your heart and any decision you make about your penis, you have to make with your head and your heart because you are all in this one beautiful body and you can’t separate the body. “It’s very important to give boys a sense of bodily integrity because this culture says to boys that your masculinity can be weighed by how many girls you can screw.” “Porn destroys all of the things that makes life meaningful.” “In porn, men make hate to women, not love.” “We need to talk about this. Is this a good time? Do you understand that the industry is trying to manipulate you? Do you understand that this is free now but the industry is trying to make you a habitual user?’ Kids hate to be manipulated. ‘How did the images make you feel? When you are finished with this image, how does it make you feel?’ They feel terrible.” How would you like to feel afterwards when you are in a relationship? “Do you think there is any woman who wakes up one day and says, “doctor, lawyer, social worker, teacher, porn performer—I think I’ll go for the porn performer? You do that when you have no other choices.” “We need to resource the boy, not de-resource him. We must help him find his moral compass.” “When you lose your integrity and your moral compass, how do you stand to live in that body of yours? “Porn dehumanizes.” “Stand up for your kid and stand up for other people’s kids. Every single one of us is a stakeholder in other people’s kids.” The average boy starts looking at porn between the ages of 11 and 13-- get ahead of it and find out exactly how to #talktokids about porn and porn culture on this week's podcast featuring the amazing @GailDinesClick To Tweet The porn industry is cheating boys and girls out of becoming authors of their own sexuality and other important things @GailDines says on this week's #talktokids podcast is right here-->Click To Tweet Resources: CultureReframed.org (For parents of tweens) Pornland by Dr. Gail Dines (book) The Body Keeps Score by Bessel van der Kolk M.D. (book mentioned in podcast) Gail Dines’ Ted Talk Related Podcasts: How to Talk to Kids about Media Literacy and Deconstructing Advertisements with Dina Alexander http://bit.ly/DAlexander_PC2 How to Talk to Kids about Sex with Dina Alexander http://bit.ly/DAlexPC How to Talk to Kids about Suicide, Sexual Assault and 13 Reasons Why with Dr. Dae Sheridan http://bit.ly/DrDaePC How to Talk to Kids about Healthy, Caring Romantic Relationships with Dr. Richard Weissbourd of Making Caring Common http://bit.ly/RWeissbourdPC The post How to Talk to Kids about Porn with Gail Dines – ReRelease appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
59 minutes | Aug 31, 2021
How to Talk to Kids about Breaking Free of Anxiety and OCD with Eli Lebowitz, PhD
How to Talk to Kids about Breaking Free of Anxiety and OCD This podcast will focus on how to talk to kids about anxiety and OCD. Dr. Robyn Silverman interviews Dr. Eli Lebowtiz about the key to helping kids cope with their anxious behavior—acceptance and confidence. This podcast provides many scripts and strategies for parents and educators. Special Guest: Eli Lebowitz, PhD It’s healthy and normal to become aware of possible threats and dangers around us so that we can be safe and make safe choices- however, in children with anxiety, they get stuck in continually imagining that something bad or dangerous will happen, and it feels just as if the bad thing were happening in real life. They are experiencing the feelings or anxiety as if they are indeed going to happen. They focus on what they truly believe are the negative outcomes that have a large likelihood of occurring and place high value on those negative outcomes—while at the same time, placing very low value and likelihood on positive outcomes that might occur from taking the risk and doing the thing that scares them. Parenting an anxious child means facing constant challenges and questions: When should parents step in and help their children deal with those fears—or take away the likelihood of those fears by avoiding the thing that scares their child? How can parents foster independence while still supporting their children and acknowledging the anxiety? How can parents reduce the hold their child’s anxiety has on their entire family—and cope with the role they may be inadvertently playing in kowtowing to the anxiety while trying to help their child cope with it? And how do we talk to our children about anxiety- and how we can support them in living with it in a positive way? For this conversation, I will be talking together with Professor Eli Lebowitz. Bio Professor Lebowitz studies and treats childhood and adolescent anxiety and is Director of the Program for Anxiety Disorders at the Yale University’s Child Study Center. His research focuses on the development, neurobiology, and treatment of anxiety and related disorders, with special emphasis on cross-generational and familial influences on these disorders. Dr. Lebowitz is the lead investigator on multiple funded research projects, and is the author of numerous research papers, books and chapters on childhood and adolescent anxiety. He is the father of three great boys. Dr. Lebowitz has a new book out called Breaking Free of Child Anxiety and OCD. Important Messages: We all might have a picture in mind of what an anxious child looks like- cowering in corner, looking away, shy, inhibited. True for some! But not the description of all. Remember fight or flight. While some anxious children will “take flight” when scared, others will fight! Flight direction- fear. Other kids, fight direction- aggression, temper tantrums, irritability, rigidity- many other manifestations. Anxiety affects everything. There are four domains of body, thoughts, behaviors and feelings. All these areas change while we are going through anxiety. Many people think about the feelings of anxiety- fear- but they don’t think of the other feelings we have, like anger. It’s also the feelings we don’t have- like happy, curious, motivated and excited. Can look different in different children- must get curious and notice it- then the children can get the help that they need. Anxiety can look like a behavior problem. Home- Slammed doors, talking back, refusal to do something. School- the teacher who puts their hand on the shoulder of a child who looks distressed and then gets shoved in response or yelled at- that could trigger our own fight or flight. We can get anxious or angry in that moment. Could be anxiety- think it’s disciplinary issue but might not be! *School- absenteeism- thought it used to be truancy but BY FAR the child who is chronically absent from school is not suffering from an externalizing behavioral problem but an internal problem like anxiety or depression. Many people get the advice that when they see behavior problems- ignore it and it will go away. But you say in your book that “research on childhood anxiety problems shows that simply waiting for an anxiety problem to go away on its own doesn’t usually work” and that it can be “successfully addressed.” How do we address? Statistically- not helping an anxious child will likely lead to a more anxious child. BUT anxiety is one of the most treatable problems! If you put those things together- that anxiety it’s not likely to go away on it’s own and it’s highly treatable, you have a pretty good argument for getting treatment! Anxiety- medication, therapies. First- change your attitude towards anxiety. Anxiety system- alarm system. Designed to be unpleasant. (Then you will pay attention!) Just like alarm in house. We don’t have our smoke alarm play our favorite tune so we hang around an listen to it! We make it play an unpleasant sound so we think; ‘I have to turn that off. I have to get out of here or make it stop because this is really bothering me. And that’s how our anxiety system works as well. Because when we are faced with real dangers, we don’t want to stick around and see how it goes- we want to get ourselves out of that dangerous situation. But when our smoke alarm or our anxiety alarm is a little bit sensitive or miscalibrated (we’ve heard alarm when it wasn’t actually being stolen- too sensitive! Hae you ever heard a car alarm go off- yes! Have you heard it going off because it was being stolen- maybe not!). Our anxiety alarm is not perfect. This is a trap. We have to learn to change our attitude towards anxiety. If we are always trying to get away from feeling anxiety, we are dooming ourselves. And as parents, if we are setting a goal to remove anything that will lead to anxiety for our child (although our hearts are in the right place!) what are we teaching our children? That anxiety is awful and we have to stay away. Teaching child to avoid. To not feel safe and confident about dealing with anxiety. Change it to- “I can deal with anxiety! It sucks! I don’t feel comfortable. I don’t love it. But I’m going to be okay- and it’s going to go away. I’m going to be there. And the sun will still rise. It’s okay to be anxious sometimes. Model a supportive attitude- around anxiety. So important to do this for a child who is coping with anxiety. Supportive: (1) Accepting. You can’t be supportive if you trivialize it. Or are dismissive of it. Sometimes we do this in harsh ways like “don’t be a baby” and sometimes subtle “it’s not scary.” “I wish you weren’t scared.” Child is frightened! Says it’s wrong or not genuine. Say; “I get it! I see this is hard for you. I know this is scary for you.” You won’t make your child more anxious by acknowledging the fact that they are.” Validate the feeling- so that they don’t need turn it up a notch to convince you. “When we validate emotions they tend to get lower not more powerful.” (2) Show that you have confidence in them. Even if you don’t like it- they are still going to experience anxiety. You don’t want to teach a child; “you are going to have all this anxiety in your life and sadly, you can’t cope with it!” If you think about the child who was just diagnosed with asthma- you would never want to say; “it’s terrible that you were just diagnosed with asthma because you suck at asthma! You want to say- this sucks, it’s a challenge, but you can handle it. You are capable. We’re going to help you and you are going to be just fine. You are going to have a great life even if you have asthma.” Same with anxiety! Confidence means- you can handle it! “I know that you can handle it.” Things we might do that backfire- protection and demanding ways to respond. Protective: “It’s my job to make sure that you will be ok.” Things they say to their children and about their children. Your child is listening to what you say about them when you are on the phone talking to a friend or when you are at the doctor’s office. We are teaching our children all the time- not just when we attend. “My child can’t handle stress” is something that people say. But what are you saying? Learning: I can’t handle stress. My parents are very knowledgeable and know me best so I should listen to that. “My child goes to pieces.” “My child is fragile.” “My child is a worrier.” While true- but now defining child by his worrying. Instead of “My child is strong and can handle his worries.” You are the mirror that your child looks into to see who they are! True, in general. For example, if they try to be amusing but they look at you and just see that they are irritating you, then they will learn that they are an irritating and not so amusing person. Don’t have to lie- every child is funny sometimes. Sometimes they tell interesting stories. Not lying about anxiety- can handle it. Can handle it. Don ‘t rush to fix. Last time they had a tantrum. So we come to conclusion that they can’t handle it. But if you think about it, after the meltdown, they recovered. They were able to handle some of the discomfort. Demanding- when I give the message that they shouldn’t feel as they feel or should somehow magically pretend to feel different than they do. **Repelling story. Boy terrified to repel. Father is dangling off the cliff below telling him it’s fun. Boy was not having fun. Terrified. Father wasn’t conveying that this is hard for you- was communicating that this should be easy for you like it’s easy for me. It’s easy to be superman when your kid is small. But we also need to give the a bridge to see that they can also be strong (and brave). Just because YOU can do it and you don’t feel anxious or you have conquered the anxiety doesn’t mean that your child can do that in the moment. We are being demanding when this is the message that we don’t believe their experience or we are telling them they shouldn’t feel as they feel. Neither one is supportive. You can’t be supportive you are overly protective or overly demanding. Demanding can sound like; “just get a grip. Go ahead and do it already! Or “why can’t you be more like your sister who already did xyz?” INSTEAD: Supportive. Don’t have to be a master. Don’t have to be creative. Rely on recipe of acceptance and confidence. (1) First of all, I can see that you are really scared right now. Think of their inside feeling when the person they really care about- the person they admire acknowledges this feeling. The inside feeling shifts. I’m not just yelling rah, rah, rah, go, go, go, you can do it, you SEE their experience You see them. “I get that this is really frightening for you. (2) And I also know that you can handle this feeling. And if you want to give this a try- even a little try- I’m right there with you.” You’re not the impatient person waiting at the bottom of the mountain. You can be by their side. **Accommodations. Where research is focused now in anxiety treatment. All the different ways that parents are changing their behaviors so that the child doesn’t feel the anxiety. No parent wants their child to suffer. Even though accommodations might help the child with anxiety, they can be detrimental. This is a hard pill to swallow because we are all trying to just get through the day. We have other kids. We have to get to work. We have to get to school. We have to get to sleep. This is tough on parents. What we know- accommodations have the kids get stuck. Example. Separation anxiety. Scared when you are not nearby. So maybe you accommodate. You don’t go out at night. You sleep next time them. You call ahead and have the the family put the dog away. Conveys to the child- the only way that you can feel okay in new situations is for us to ensure that this thing that makes you uncomfortable will not be around. Worried- lots of questions. You answer- them – that’s accommodation. Social anxiety- you speak in place of them. Not bad behavior. This is not caused by the parent. This is how we respond to the behavior- not how we cause it. We don’t want to validate the fear! We can get trapped into this cycle of accommodation. We send the message that this is a problem, that they can’t handle it and we need to step in. Story- burglars- parent got the best lock because child was afraid of buglars- and by getting the lock, validates the fear. Reinforcing that anxiety is dangerous to me and these worries I have about the real world are valid. (*Do you want to validate the feeling or the fear??) Being supportive AND systematically reduce accommodations (gradual, supportive way) do these 2 things together- treat anxiety. SPACE- Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions. More supportive and less accommodating. These 2 things- can overcome anxiety and OCD. Map it out. Can’t just say “no more accommodations.” Has to be done slowly. Can’t strip it all away at once. Not a slogan. Step by step. Think over the entire day. Texting my child during the day? Getting up early? Changing my day? Changing my sleep? Night time plans? Write it down in non judgmental way.** What are the things I do differently because this child is anxious? How often do I do them? Accommodation map. Pick oner thing. Things that happen frequently. Practice it. Don’t do it by surprise. Let them know. In supportive way. “I am going to be doing this differently. Because I care about you and I realized that I haven’t been helping you in the best way. I’m going to do this differently because I love you- and I know it will be hard but I also know that you can handle it. Resistant? What’s the next step? Through this process, you’ll never demanding your child to do anything. Because the thing you chose to focus on was reallt about YOUR behavior. They might not change right away. May lag. See you reduce. Hear your words. Child won’t order at restaurant. Target. Doesn’t mean child will speak to waiter right away. If you do it right- you make the plan for your behavior, not theirs. You don’t have a plan for their behavior. We don’t get to decide. I’m not going to order for them. Focus on change in YOU. I know this is hard for you- but also know you can handle it. Child might not order- might get upset- but that doesn’t mean you have to as well. Shifting. Point. Finding ways to cope. Smaller step. I can stay calm. Benchmarks to success might be different than you anticipated. Might not climb down the mountain or order to food or touch the spider- but incremental. Still progress. Don’t want to punish the kid for being anxious. Not a misbehavior. Stick to changes– will be changes in child’s behavior. Key to breaking free- acceptance and confidence. Moments- get out of bed due to monsters- opportunities. “I am someone who can handle anxiety.” See as problems- miss opportunity. Just like when child is learning to walk. Watching and learning. Notable Quotables: “I like to remind parents of the popular phrase, ‘fight or flight.’ So often we forget that half of that phrase is ‘flight.’ For some children, anxiety is going to drive them more in the flight direction with feelings of fear. In other children, it might drive them more to the fight side of it—aggression, anger, irritability, temper tantrums, rigidity. We need to broaden our view of what anxious child will look like.” “When we are anxious, our body, thoughts, behaviors and feeling change. So often we think of the ‘feelings part’ only as fear but it’s also those anger feelings and it’s also those feelings we don’t have when we are anxious like feeling happy, excited, motivated, or curious. Anxiety can look really different in different children so getting really good at detecting it and noticing it means we can get so much better at getting the help that children need.” “We used to think of absenteeism from school as primarily truancy- the kid who wants to hang out at the mall and play with friends or just play video games– but actually, by far, it’s much more likely that a child who is chronically absent from school is actually suffering not from one of those externalizing behavior problems but from an internalizing problem like anxiety or depression. “Anxiety is one of the most treatable childhood problems. We wish we had effective treatments for so many other problems in mental health that even came near the level of the efficacy of our treatments for anxiety problems. It means that the world is full of children who used to have an anxiety disorder and don’t today.” “The natural response towards feeling anxious is to want to not feel anxious.” “On a basic level, anxiety is our alarm system. It’s designed to be unpleasant. Like the smoke alarm in our house- we don’t have it play our favorite tune so we hang around and listen to it! We make it play an unpleasant sound so we think; ‘I have to turn that off. I have to get out of here or make it stop because this is really bothering me. And that’s how our anxiety system works as well. Because when we are faced with real dangers, we don’t want to stick around and see how it goes- we want to get ourselves out of that dangerous situation.” “The biggest gift a parent can give to a child who is vulnerable to anxiety is helping them know that they can cope with it and still be okay.” “You can’t be supportive of your anxious child if you are dismissive of or trivialize their anxiety.” “You won’t make your child more anxious by acknowledging the fact that they are.” “I like to say to parents; ‘you are the mirror that your child is looking into and they are seeing who they are.’” “Children are a lot more resilient and capable than we sometimes give them credit for.” “Don’t want to punish the kid for being anxious—it’s not a misbehavior.” “The key to breaking free of child anxiety and OCD is acceptance and confidence.” The key to breaking free of child anxiety and OCD is acceptance and confidence, says says Dr. Eli Lebowitz of @YaleMed @YaleCSC @YaleMedicine on the How to #TalktoKids about Anything podcast. Listen in here!Click To Tweet Childhood anxiety is one of the most treatable problems-- but skirting treatment can mean more anxiety! Listen in to Dr. Eli Lebowtiz, creator of the SPACE program at @YaleMed @YaleCSC @YaleMedicine, on #talktokids podcastClick To Tweet Resources: SPACEtreatment.net Breaking Free of Anxiety and OCD If you LOVED this episode, please check out these… Lynn Kenney: How to Talk to Kids about Big Feelings & Calming Down Techniques Wendy Young: How to Talk to Kids about Anger & Big Feelings. Margie Warrell: How to Talk to Kids about Being Brave Jessica Lahey: How to Talk to Kids about the Gift of Failure Michele Borba: How to Talk to Kids about Empathy & Entitlement The post How to Talk to Kids about Breaking Free of Anxiety and OCD with Eli Lebowitz, PhD appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
47 minutes | Aug 24, 2021
How to Raise Humans in a Digital World with Diana Graber – ReRelease
How to Raise Humans in a Digital World This podcast will focus on digital citizenship, digital leadership and how to raise humans in a digital world. Diana Graber helps us understand how to help kids create a healthy relationship with technology by providing them with the skills they need to be safe, confident and productive online. Special guest: Diana Graber. Snapchat, Instagram, Fortnite, cyberbullying, sexting, and technology addiction are some of the digital concerns that keep today’s parents up at night. Some of the statistics being quoted are scary: Common Sense Media reported that 50 percent of teens feel “addicted” to their phones. The Pew Research Center reported just last year that 59 percent of U.S teens have been bullied or harassed online. Guard Child reported that 39 percent of teens have sent or posted sexually suggestive messages (sexting). Stanford University researchers tell us that a whopping 80 percent of students can’t differentiate between real and “fake” news. And the World Health Organization told us in 2017 that Technology is making children dangerously unhealthy. YIKES. These are not small-scale studies with questionable results. My next guest has been unpacking this research and working to understand how digital innovations have radically altered childhood and left us largely unprepared as parents for how to deal with the influx of technology and the fallout from these devices. She is also capturing the upside of these digital innovations that, yes, if used correctly, can enrich our children’s lives—and regardless, this IS the world we live in- we can not shut our eyes turn off all screens and say “that’s it!” without shutting out the digital world in which we must learn to survive and thrive. So what can we do? Diana Graber, a digital literacy educator and advocate, was honored with the National Association for Media Literacy Education’s 2017 Media Literacy Teacher Award. She is the cofounder of Cyberwise, a leading online safety and digital literacy organization, and the founder and creator of Cyber Civics, the popular and innovative middle school digital citizenship and literacy program currently being taught in more than 40 US states, the UK, Canada, New Zealand and Africa. Graber lives with her family in Southern California. Diana is also the author of Raising Humans in a Digital World, published in January of this year. The podcast provides: How we can be intentional about tech use- starting with our kids Age bracket by age bracket- limits, behavior, appropriateness for tech use How to raise kids to be digital leaders not just digital citizens What we must tell our children about tech use and privacy How to evaluate the good and the bad about technology with our kids Scripts: How to Talk to Kids about Tech Use How to discuss digital reputation with kids Important Messages: Adults- model healthy tech usage. Infants see adults using tech. Screens get in the way of connection between young kids and the adults in their lives. (1) Model balanced tech usage (2) Social-emotional-developmental skills are developed when they connect and look at faces. Screens get in the way. Limit them. Elementary school: Digital “onramps” – get kids up to speed. Interest? Sit together and watch video on it. Increase interest on that topic. Write an email with a loved one. Positive use of tech. Older elementary school: Talk to the other parents in your “village” and come to an agreement of what is healthy tech use at the children’s age. Phone? Texting? Group texting? Hackers- splicing in suicide messaging into kids’ videos. Even when kids are 7, 8, 9 years old, we need to know what they are doing online. Can’t rely perfectly on the sites we’ve come to rely on- even busy parents need to look first, if possible. Talk about what it means to be a digital citizen- kind, respectful, do what’s right online. Activity: Design their own app. How can you help people to be better digital citizens through your app? What will your app do to help people online? (i.e. send meals to homeless, if you fall on your bike-alerts people nearby). They are practicing being good digital citizens. They might even learn to code and build their app for real. Teach them then they can apply the learning to the online world. Farm alarm. App to remind grandparents to take their medication—kids created. Then kids learn from what other kids are doing in digital world to better it—to become great digital citizen or digital leader. Privacy. What should we think about? (1) Privacy is your currency. Your personal information is what you exchange with internet sites and apps for information. Guard it because it’s valuable. Understand what you are getting in exchange and think about if that exchange is fair. (2) Filter bubbles: Teach kids what these sites and apps do with the information and how they customize the information they give back to us based on the information they collect from us. The internet knows so much about us that it filters back to us what it thinks we will like. Dangerous. As a kid, you should be exposed to a wide array of things. Activity: Read privacy policies of snapchat and Instagram. Start to see the truth about certain apps. (Is it worth the exchange of information? If not, they stop using the app.) They come to their own discovery—worth more than an adult telling them. Sexting: Sending or receiving of a sexually explicit message. That means an unsuspecting kid who receives such a message can get in much trouble as the person who sent it. Child pornography laws are what they are. They can be put on a sexual offenders registry. In some states- fined, put in jail. Lost scholarships, kicked out of school, expelled or suspended. Kids need to be made aware of the consequences in their own state. ADVICE- SEXTING: Delete immediately (phone company can retrieve if necessary). Digital De-TECH-tives: What’s good/what’s bad? Disconnecting, connecting. Bow/Arrow: Go together to hunt before bow/arrow. With bow/arrow, hunter can go out alone. TV: Before TV- conversation. TV, now not talking. But- can talk about program after. Now- everyone has own ipad- so alone. Internet- connects with people, but delivers sexting, disconnects, cyberbullying. Smart phone: Photos, share with others- but looking at smart phone and not talking to each other. Activity: Ask grandparent/parent what life was like before the internet. Interview. Activities- not judgmental- let kids figure out the plus and minuses for themselves. Checklist: Discuss- ask- Do they know how to manage reputation? Can they maintain their privacy? Can they have safe relationships? Do they know how to be careful of who they friend/follow? Do they know how to keep balance- manage screen time? (Go through checklist) Basic understanding of all these things. Want to pre-empt the mistakes and not have to clean them up after. Digital reputation: Story- 10 bright students who got into Harvard got their acceptances revoked because they did something that Harvard viewed as offensive/inappropriate. Created a reputation in real life that started online. These kids thought they were on a private facebook group—but nothing online is private. Memes shared. Activity: Do something with them- understanding on own. People you know- google them. What does the internet say about them? (Do it ahead of time so you know what they’ll see). Reputation before you even know them. Child understands the impact of digital reputation before embarking on their digital life. We want kids to understand the impact of their digital reputation without actually saying; “post online and it will stay online forever.” In one ear and out the other. Instead, do an online activity where they google friends and family. Activity: Pretend you are a college counselor and you are going to award a spot to one student. Gather the info (Harvard story)- digital reputation of 2 different people. Who did you pick and why? Kids learn that the digital reputation is not just formed by what the person puts online but what other people put online and then tag them in. Careful who they are friends with online. Reality: Young adults who are being interviewed for jobs are now being asked to take out their IG and Snapchat accounts and show them to prospective employers so they can see what’s there. Nothing inappropriate. Talk early, talk often. What are your kids doing online? Don’t do it in a judgmental way but a curious way. “Exciting, what’s on there?” Educate. Kids will be on these devices a lot. They need to learn how to use them productively, confidently and safely. If adults don’t feel confident online themselves- it’s not about t3echnology, it’s about neurology. Share your wisdom- we are more knowledgeable than our kids about life. Share your experience. Notable Quotables: “Digital literacy starts the day a child is born. Even infants are seeing the adults around them grabbing their phones and looking at their screens. They learn that this is what you do if you’re an adult in the real world. Adults need to model balanced tech usage.” “When we teach children how to use technology in intentional, positive ways when they are little, the skills will last a lifetime.” “We have to create a bridge. We have to take kids slowly down the road, help them build qualities of understanding and then teach them how to apply that learning to the actual online world.” “Privacy is your currency. Your personal information is what you exchange with internet sites and apps for information. Guard it because it’s valuable. Understand what you are getting in exchange and think about if that exchange is fair.” “I like to teach kids about filter bubbles and how the internet filters back to us what it thinks we will like based on the information they collect from us. Kids are natural skeptics. And when they understand and learn about this, they don’t like it. They will go to mechanisms to make sure their personal information is not taken so freely.” “It’s amazing what power education and provide. Kids can start to be the guardians of their own personal information and protecting their own privacy.” “Sexting: It never ceases to amaze me how little kids know about the consequences of getting caught.” “Nothing online is private. Information always gets out.” “Talk early, talk often. What are your kids doing online? Be aware of what they are doing, who they’re friends with and what information they are exchanging.” “Educate: It’s so important that kids are getting lessons in digital literacy. It breaks my heart when schools don’t make time for this because kids will spend so much time in their future on devices, They must be taught how to use them productively, confidently and safely.” “It’s not about technology, it’s about neurology. Kids don’t need our help pushing the buttons. They need our wisdom—they need the wisdom that we’ve gleaned by being on this planet longer than they have. Every parent can provide wisdom to their children.” It’s not about technology, it’s about neurology, says @Dianagraber of @BeCyberwise. Kids don’t need our help pushing the buttons, they need our wisdom. Find out exactly what we must say & do on #talktokids podcast!Click To Tweet Resources: www.Cyberwise.org www.Cybercivics.com www.RaisingHumansinaDigitalWorld.com Social Media for Dr. Robyn: facebook.com/DrRobynSilverman twitter.com/DrRobyn instagram.com/DrRobynSilverman facebook.com/HowToTalkToKidsaboutAnything The post How to Raise Humans in a Digital World with Diana Graber – ReRelease appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
65 minutes | Aug 17, 2021
How to Talk with Kids to Build Motivation, Stress Tolerance & a Happy Home with Dr. William Stixrud & Ned Johnson
How to Talk with Kids to Build Motivation, Stress Tolerance & a Happy Home This episode of How to Talk to Kids about Anything focuses on effective communication tools that parents can use to best reach their children as they enter middle school and the teen years. How do we engage in respectful and effective dialogue, give constructive feedback, problem-solve and provide boundaries and still navigate the complex terrain of teenhood? Dr. Robyn Silverman interviews William Stixrud and Ned Johnson in this lively and fascinating exchange. Special guests: Dr. William Stixrud & Ned Johnson While I’m busily working on my book, How to Talk to Kids about Anything, based, in part on this podcast and the hundreds of parenting books we’ve discussed together, it’s awesome that we get so many great quotable guests that I literally get to quote in that chapters of my book! I’m currently writing the chapter about talking to kids about friendship and bullying while editing another on big feelings. Today’s guests will surely be quoted as they have done amazing work in the area of parent-teen conversations around technology, sleep, anxiety about current events, consequences and family problem-solving. How many parents have been left wondering, after having a conversation with their teen, what just happened? Why did they shut me out? Why did that go so badly? What should I do or say next? We are going to find out some answers from Bill Stixrud and Ned Johnson today. Bio Ned Johnson is a motivational coach who runs an elite tutoring service and William Stixrud, PhD, is a a clinical neuropsychologist, who we had on the podcast previously as they talked about their best-selling book The Self-Driven Child. They are two of the top go-to voices on parenting in the media. Stixrud and Johnson have more than 60 years combined experience talking to kids and we are so excited to have them both on the show today so welcome Bill and Ned today! Important Messages: Cultivating a strong relationship with parents is close to a silver bullet for protecting kids from serious mental health problems. How do we stay connected? Empathy. Tell them we understand them and cultivate the relationship. What are teens looking for? Who are they closest to? Someone who listens when I talk and who doesn’t judge me- someone who doesn’t tell me what to do. How do they know if you listening? Active listening. Reflective listening. 1960s technique. Trying to understand. Am I getting this right? WIG- What I got is… Great system to showing you understand and want to understand what you are hearing. Eran Magen—wigging. Sometimes when kids bring us problems, the first thing out of our mouths isn’t always as effective as we want to be- we might be dismissive, tongue tied or jump into problem-solving. Gives us time- count to 10 in our heads. “I got into a fight with Jenny and I called her this terrible name and now nobody will talk to me” and we might jump in to problem-solve- mode or blame mode (apologize? Why did you say that?) instead of seeking to understand and show that you understand. “So let me get this straight- you were on social media and…” Want to make sure you have shown that you get them- works with everyone. Single most important way to calm hard emotions and make sure someone feels heard. Don’t nag, lecture and remind- can’t talk a child into something. Don’t believe in this. Talk about it. Resisting because it’s often in their best interest. “I don’t want to talk you in to anything. You are smart enough to make the call. I’d like to make an informed decision- knowing that I don’t want anyone to force you to do this.” Take force off the table. Share point of view. “It makes sense to try to take the medicine and see if it helps you- it’s like turning on a light switch—if it doesn’t help you or even if it does and you decide not to take it- you don’t have to take it.” Let kids know “I know I can’t make you do this” it’s a reality. Much more likely to get kids to come along with this. (1) In this case, medicine could have helped his bio-chemistry but also (2) taking force off the table could have changed the energy because the kid wasn’t invested in his own failure. Changing the energy. Not forcing, not nagging, not rescuing. Righting reflect (psychologists talk about this). Want to fix it. This is a problem and a missed opportunity. One of the best ways to show someone we care is to not try to talk someone out of their feelings but to sit with them when their feelings are hard. Don’t try to talk out of feelings. It’s not approving of their behavior. It’s not problem-solving. Just reflecting “that sounds like a hard day.” Example; Not “don’t get all wound up about it instead “wow, you sound really upset.” Not “you should apologize” but rather “that seems like a really hard day.” Not “I don’t think you should have done that” but just holding space. They then figure out “maybe I should apologize.” And you can say; “that seems like a good idea.” And they might say; “maybe she was just having a bad day” and you can say; “that’s a helpful way to look at this.” (They take the lead in detecting, dissecting and solving the problem). Cue our kids but not solve for them- we want them to go out into the world and solve their own problems. Go out into the world with the skills that we’ve nurtured often just by being nurturing and validating. Accommodations: How do I motivate my kid? How do I get my kid to change? To want what he doesn’t want? Motivational interviewing. Yale: Treating anxiety SPACE. Wired to soothe and protect. Make accommodations- worried about taking the bus- we reaasure. Common accommodations. More we accommodate, more anxious kids get. Are we doing this for the anxious kid and not someone else? “I thought you couldn’t handle this anxiety and I thought I needed to change in these way but I realize now that I was selling you short. I don’t need to do this. You can handle this. I’m 100% confident.” Chronically doing things for kids that they can do themselves is the problem. Make deposits into the emotional and relationship bank accounts- accommodations shows care BUT also disrespectful- you can’t handle this without me. Normalize feelings. You don’t have courage without fear. Resilience- return to a previous state or shape. How well or quickly do I return to my previous state or shape? Bent out of shape and bounce back? Are we the walking baby blanket- we want kids to say to themselves; “I know this is hard but I know I can do it.” Strengths in our children: Internal and external locus of control. Is it dependent on what others think of me? Comic strip: A child shows her art to parents- “is this my best work?” Instead- “I noticed you took some great time with drawing the hands this time- tell me about that.” Acknowledge. Subtle. “I noticed you let that child go in front of you. That was a really kind thing to do.” Don’t need constant validation. Carol Dweck- mindset. Praise for effort. But also, kids need to know their strengths. Here some kids you can do better than most kids. Bill: “I hope I find things that you suck at- because most successful people are good at some things and suck at other things. You make a living at the things you good at doing.” The kids that aren’t great at school/sports: “What do you love to do?” “You’ll probably make a living from interacting with other people in a skilled way.” (teaching, counseling…). “I want you to work hard in school because the jobs related to talking to people for a living need a college degree and often a master’s degree. I want you to work hard.” “Carol Dweck says don’t tell kids they’re smart. But what I say is tell them they are “smart enough.” You are smart enough to do what you want to do. Antidote to perfectionism. You don’t have to be the smartest kid in the class—you have to be smart enough. When testing kids, Bill will write out the things that the child is good at, according to the testing- write them out by hand. Personal qualities. What helps them to be successful? Write out how they can serve the world with that strength. “When something is challenging for you, you work your butt off.” Offhand comments can make a huge impact. Make an effort on phone or with others- and had a sense that child was in ear shot- take great care of how to talk about them. “Remarkable how my child…” “It’s amazing that he notices things that others don’t” “He has trouble with X but I don’t think that’s going to hold them back. If they have a sense that we don’t know they are listening- then it must be true. Overhearing can be powerful. Top of the stairs listening. Watch it! When you are talking negatively about others- like about your parents and how they are driving you nuts and then don’t say it to their faces- the child might glean that you could be doing this about them too. Cognitive dissonance. Does she think I’m a bum when she tells me I’m terrific? Compliments: “He is a natural psychologist.” Technology: Try to understand. “What do you love about this game? I see that you can connect with your friends and you seem really confident while playing it…” Want to understand. Validate. (Honest- when you were young, you probably would want to do this too!). How many of you think you are on screens too much? Everyone raises their hands. It’s not lost on them. If we keep pushing “less, less, less” they will argue the other side with “more, more, more.” Technology: Start with trying understand why it’s meaningful. Not monolythic. How they connect with friends. How explore interests. Creative ways. On for a thousand different things. What does it mean? Competence- because they feel confident playing video games but not in sports. Connection- found friends online- where trouble finding them in real life. Escape? What is the reason? Understand why before starting to judge it. Motivational interviewing- used with alcoholics. Pushed back when judged. Are there needs not being met? What tech crowding out? Face to face, sleep, etc. One glass of wine ok- but too much, downside. It’s not our job to regulate technology but for kids to learn to regulate their own use of technology. Psychiatrists help people in silicon valley to make video games as addictive as possible. Fortnite- Ned’s son. Used it all day. Didn’t say anything. Sunday night realizes- 6 hours of homework. Could spike it- I told you so. But- there’s this book (and this podcast!!). Empathy- “wow, that sucks.” “Can I ask you a question? Do you know how much time you spent on Fortnite- was it fun? How much time could you have spent on Fortnite and still gotten your fix? “Would it help you in the future if Mom or I helped you regulate your use of technology?” Now have buy in. Speak respectfully. We all have concerns. Heading off to college in 2 years- can’t regulate use of technology from college! Let them struggle with our help. Good luck sending them to college if you are the one regulating the technology because if that’s the case- they’ll go to college and fail out in 6 weeks. *Parents might think; “I will step back when he steps up.” But that’s not how it works. Never works that way. When you step back and create the void, then they step up. I’ve never seen it work the other way. “The beatings shall continue when morale improves.” Negotiate. I can’t live with myself knowing that mood goes south after being on social media. We need to find a way for you to use this so that you are satisfied but I can live with it. Collaborative problem solving. Get in elite colleges BUT they can’t handle it emotionally. Need the experience running their own lives. You can’t change someone else. They need to want to change. Kids feel when we are frustrated with them- and then they can’t take in our wisdom. Remember- the relationship we have with our kids as adults should be decades longer than the relationship we have with our kids when they are children. Show respect—it makes a difference. Seeds of sharing as an adult are planted as children. Want to have close loving relationships with our kids. It’s not about homework- seeds of conversation. What they’ve learned through conversations and through experience and apply it to their lives. Notable Quotables: “Helping teenagers in the way that they think is really cool.” – NJ As close to a silver bullet as you can get to protecting kids from serious mental health problems is having a close relationship with parents.” -WS “Reflective listening buys us time and also gives us ‘buy in’ before we start to give advice.” -NJ “Take force off the table so you can share your point of view.” -WS “If someone we love is really distressed, it’s distressing to us. We want to get rid of their distress to help them- and to also help ourselves. We jump into start solving things or talk them out of their big feelings. It’s both a problem and a missed opportunity. It’s a problem because it can give kids the message that someone else, other than them, are in charge of solving their problems or my Mom or Dad don’t want to know about these hard problems. The missed opportunity is that we want our kids to have the experience with our help to solve their own problems…and shift their perspective.” -NJ “One of the ways we get close to people is hanging with them when their feelings are hard and not immediately trying to solve it or talk them out of it.” – NJ “We can cue our kids but in a perfect world, we don’t do thinking for them that they can do themselves because we want them to be able to go out in real life with these skills that we’ve nurtured, often times, just by our energy of being empathetic and validating.” -NJ The more we accommodate, the more anxious kids get.” -WS “Acknowledge what is true about your child so that they carry that within them and they don’t need someone to constantly validate them and tell them that this is their best work.” -NJ “We need to tell the kids that that they don’t need to be the smartest kid in the class- they just have to be ‘smart enough’ to do what they want in life. Tell them that they are smart enough.” -WS “It’s so good for kids to work hard and get better and better and better at something that is important to them.” ~WS “Our job as parents is not to regulate our kids use of technology but to help them to learn to regulate their own use of technology.” ~NJ “We want kids to be able to run their own lives before they leave for college or leave home to do something else.” -WS “If you think you can change your kid, think differently. We can’t change somebody else unless they are asking for help to change.” -WS “So much of being effective in our communication is not the ‘what’ but the ‘how.” -NJ “The relationship we have with our kids as adults should be decades longer than the relationship we have with our kids when they are children.” So much of being effective in our communication is not the what but the how, says @NedJohnson on #talktokids podcast. Listen in on how to #talktokids about motivation and stress response here.Click To Tweet Resources: Book: What Do You Say?: How to Talk with Kids to Build Motivation, Stress Tolerance, and a Happy Home The Self-Driven Child (book) TheSelfDrivenChild.com Facebook: The Self-Driven Child Group Social Media for Dr. Robyn: facebook.com/DrRobynSilverman twitter.com/DrRobyn instagram.com/DrRobynSilverman facebook.com/HowToTalkToKidsaboutAnything The post How to Talk with Kids to Build Motivation, Stress Tolerance & a Happy Home with Dr. William Stixrud & Ned Johnson appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
63 minutes | Aug 10, 2021
How to Help Kids Who Struggle with Executive Function Skills in School and in Life with Seth Perler – ReRelease
*** Remember to REGISTER NOW (FOR FREE!) for the upcoming Executive Function Online Summit! Click Here to register now: https://bit.ly/TEFOS_Parents How to Help Kids Who Struggle with Executive Function Skills in School and in Life with Seth Perler This podcast will focus on how to help kids who struggle with executive function, that is, executing tasks to their completion. Does your child struggle with organization, scheduling, time management, or completing tasks? Does your child get overwhelmed, avoidant, resistant or forgetful when you ask them to complete tasks? They may be struggling with executive function. Seth Perler and Dr. Robyn Silverman have a wonderful conversation about executive function, how we can help kids who struggle with executive function and mistakes to avoid when working with kids who are challenged in this area. Special guest: Seth Perler What is executive functioning and what does it have to do with our children’s success in school and life? My next guest explains that Executive Function is what it takes to get stuff done (such as homework, writing a paper or cleaning a room, etc.). In other words, it’s the ability to “execute” complex tasks and see that those tasks go all the way through to completion. Some kids have a knack for organizational tasks, scheduling and pacing themselves—while others struggle. If your child struggles with school-related tasks like homework, staying focused on a project until it’s completed, organizational skills, time management—or perhaps become avoidant, resistant, forgetful or overwhelmed when it comes to getting school-related tasks completed– they probably struggle with Executive Function. So, what can we do? How can we help our kids who struggle in this area? And what do we want to avoid doing, so we don’t make things worse? My next guest has these answers and more. Seth Perler helps students who struggle with school, homework, grades, resistance, overwhelm, motivation, underachievement, organization, focus, study skills and time management. He helps complicated, misunderstood, outside-the-box, neurodiverse learners turn it around in a baffling system so they can launch a successful future. His blog, sethperler.com, gives game-changing answers in a sea of misguided educational fluff. Traditional academic interventions don’t often get to the root of a child’s problems and they’re often based on misinformation or outdated paradigms. Consequently, your child’s patterns get worse each year, leading to pervasive difficulties transitioning into adulthood. Parents often feel helpless, watching their child drown in school, as they spin their wheels trying to help. Parents are desperate for tools that are 1) practical, and 2) that account for a child’s unique needs. It’s all about Executive Function, which is Seth’s specialty. The podcast provides: What is executive function? Why executive function is not something that we are helping ALL kids to master How do we know executive function is an issue? What are the common mistakes key adults make in the lives of kids who have trouble with executive functioning? What can the key adult—the parent, teacher or coach- say to this child to help him understand that this story he’s been telling himself is not true? What can we do to help kids who are struggling with executive function? What are some strategies that help kids get from point A to point B? What are some key ways that we can help kids understand themselves and their brains? Important Messages: Difficult topics need to be put into plain English—but executive function is written in complicated, clinical terms. The children who are struggling with executive function tend to me outliers- so many programs are not built for them to work on these skills. Funding cuts things that don’t serve middle of the bell curve. Easy to blame kids and say “they aren’t working hard enough.” But this is not the problem most of the time- it’s executive function. Need to educate these kids so that they can have a great life. Both for future and for now. Executive function is not a quick fix process. Takes time. Lots of angles that need to be addressed. (1) Not quick and easy. Be patient. Build new systems, work arounds, new mindset, new strategies. (2) Know what pieces need to be addressed- how to organize, plan, get from point A to point B—need to know how to go from point A to point B where A is starting point and B is DONE. Completed for kids- needs to be handed in to teacher. So kids need to develop the skill of planning. Planning is enormous- short term, medium term, long term planning. Need to develop the skill of organization. Folders, inbox, backpack, drawers, closet, room. Prioritization (what they need to do instead of what they want to do- like video games), time management. Attack from multiple angles. (3) Story- narrative- that gets into misunderstanding and shame. How we inadvertently shame kids. If kids are struggling with responsibility and follow through, self-starting, procrastination, motivation, knowing what’s for homework, remembering details, clueless about what needs to be done, overwhelmed—struggling with execute- get things done that need to be done, that are in their own long term best interest, this is an executive function problem. Feeling in pit of stomach? Worried? Cleaning the closet: Resistance happening. Resistance looks like procrastination, lack of motivation, not trying, not starting. Want them to clean closet? Don’t force, shame, nag, don’t make them—instead, build strong healthy attachment with them. They have to know that you care about them and like them- often feel like just being barked at and told what to do. Don’t feel seen or heard or valued. Need to feel like you get them. Safe person. So they know they can share their fears, frustration, resistance—what excuses are. Need relationship so that they will let us help them. When we have trust in the relationship, we can get buy in and ownership. Want them to want to get it done- want to feel more free and in control. Not us telling them but them volunteering to get it done. We know kids needs to get these tasks done- there is fear around it because we know kids needs to be able to do these things if they’re going to be successful. We become impatient. Starts way before getting the thing done. Need to be able to plan in their mind- imagine in their mind, envision, talk selves about, what will it look like when it’s done? What will it feel like? What will the process looks like? This is planning. Think it through. First, second, third. Remove resistance. Why are kids resistant to getting something done? Because there is ambiguity to what it means to do the task like clean the closet. All they know is that it’s going to be a massive, annoying job- it’s going to be a mess- don’t know where it starts, where it ends, how long it will take. How much will you bark at them? Overwhelming. Comes from ambiguous. Goes from ambiguous to concrete. They KNOW what it will look like, how to start, what the end looks like, what kind of support they will get, how long they will do it. STRATEGY: Chunking/batching. By time or by task. TOOL: Timer- life changing! We don’t use a timer on our phone because the thing that is supposed to help you is filled with distractions! Script: “We are going to work on this closet. That’s your goal today? Great! Do you want to work on it right now to get started for 5 minutes, ten minutes or 15 minutes (false choice)?” Even if they say 5, it’s a win! I know that once they get started, they’ll go longer than 5 min. I tell them; “I am teaching them to manipulate themselves.” If they can say they’ll do it for 5 min, they are going to surprise themselves by getting the ball rolling and they’ll wind up doing more—doing more than they thought. It’s the ambiguity that’s difficult- we want to make it concrete and chunk by time. Maybe they’ll go for an hour! Script: Chunk by task “We are going to work on this closet today? Let’s just start by working on the top shelf (or shoes, or the left side, or things we know are garbage, or let’s pull it all out first, or the floor). If they say “yes” then you can start there. If “ugh!” then that means “no.” Chunk it down more. Start with one thing from the floor? Backpack: “Anything personal in the backpack you don’t want me to see?:” They have to feel safe. Pull it out and put it in their hand. Sit next to them and put a paper in their hand “is this a yes, no, or maybe?” Yes- it needs to be turned in or done or put back in folder. No- recycle. Maybe- might need it. Do it over and over and gets faster. Walk through process. Tool: Scafolding. Helping to make it happen. Making it possible. So how do you get from point A to point B? First, healthy, secure attachment. Next- buy in and ownership. Third is chunk it down and walk them through the process. Fourth- acknowledge them. Notice them. Small things. We often notice the small things they didn’t do—notice the small things they did do. 3:1 rule– Can we do three compliments to every once perceived negative? Script: “You just put your name on the paper—great, lots of people forget that.” “You just picked up the very first thing off your closet floor. That’s pretty cool. You got started.” “You just cleaned out your whole backpack—do you know what we just did? We had said we’d do 5 minutes- but it’s been 45! Look at what you did! You got all your folders organized. You got all the pockets organized. You recycled all this stuff you don’t need. You lightened your load.” Reflect back to them- what I want them to noticed. The choices that I want them to continue. We must reflect back to them! Gradual release of responsibility- so they are taking more responsibility. Eventually, they should grab the next paper as they are thinking yes. No, maybe. Starting to write in planner- then they take it on. Shaming kids: We need to be conscious of it. This happens when they can’t do what we are asking them to do or they won’t do what we are asking them to do. They might not have the right skills to override the resistance. They are having trouble doing the thing that needs to get done. Script: “Hey dude, what’s going on? What do you need to get this done? Do you understand that this is important?” It’s a can’t. Not a won’t. Shame story: “Why are you being lazy? Why can’t you just try harder? Why don’t you care about school? Why can’t you be more disciplined?” Even if we don’t say those words- we can convery those messages. Society can convery those messages. Eductors can convery those messages. They system can convey those messages. Culture can convey those messages. We are assuming that it’s a matter of will. You willingly won’t do what needs to be done. The child hears that. This becomes their inner critic. This becomes the story we tell ourselves. Pierces into their heart. How did it feel to be 5, 8, 21- someone shamed us- we felt it 20 times worse than as adults. I AM: What is their identity? First listen to the child. “Why do you feel that way? Tell me more.” Honor them. Hold space for them. Listen 10 X more than you think you should. Genuine compliments- these kids are so cool! “I hear you. You know what I think? I think you’re pretty awesome. I think it’s really cool how you do this. I notice your effort in these ways. I see that you do it this way.” No BS- what is really cool about them. See them. Practical stuff. “Here’s what’s going on the brain. Here’s some science.” It depersonalizes it. Watcher perspective. Metacognitive. This is not you. You are not your thoughts. You are not your feelings. This is your brain. Your brain is still developing. You’re going to be okay—and not only are you going to be okay—you are okay. You’re awesome.” Changes narrative in a rational way. Logical. Love them. Love yourself—and show self care. Notable Quotables: “Executive function is important because life is not a game. These are real people’s lives. We have an opportunity to educate these kids and raise them so that they can have a great life.” “There are real, serious consequences in life when we can’t execute.” “If kids struggle to do the things that need to get done to accomplish their goals, they are going to struggle with a lot of things in life. It’s so important to understand executive function so we plant seeds so we can give kids what they need to be able to build a happy, healthy, successful future—but also give them a good quality of life now.” “To get from point A to point B, kids need to have the skill of planning.” If we really want to help a child with completing a task, it’s not to force them, it’s not to make them, it’s not to yell at them, it’s not to shame them—but instead, build healthy secure attached relationship. There has to be trust there. They have to know that you care about and like them.” “Adults so often tell kids what they need to do. Instead of us telling kids what they need to do, we need them to take ownership and tell us what needs to be done. We can guide them- but we want them to feel like it’s their idea and they want to get this done.” “Chunk down the goals. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. These are baby steps. They’re micro-steps. They’re millimeters—but that is what matters in this game.” “Give kids three compliments for every one perceived negative. We tend to notice the small things that kids do wrong but not the other side. I like to throw these pebbles of compliments at kids constantly. It is one of my keys to success with kids. It’s how I keep them motivated. It’s how they know I see them. It’s how they know I’m noticing.” “We want to reflect back to our kids what we really want them to notice and the behaviors and the choices that they are making that we want them to continue.” “Shame goes deep. Our kids might not say it, they may not act like it, they may act out in other ways, they may withdraw. It’s there. They feel it. It’s real. It impacts them. We don’t have to come at it with that story.” “Compliment kids. These kids are so cool! I can make a list of 1000 things that are so cool about them.” “Reflect back the awesomeness in this human being in front of you with all this potential and all this greatness.” Executive function is important because life is not a game, says Seth Perler on #talktokids podcast. We have an opportunity to educate these kids and raise them so that they can have a great life.Click To Tweet Resources: Here’s the executive function article: https://sethperler.com/executive-function-holy-grail/ And here’s Seth’s true story: https://sethperler.com/true-story/ SUBSCRIBE: Check out Seth’s blog here to get fantastic insights that will help you help your child! https://sethperler.com/ Subscribe and he’ll send you his weekly update AND the Student Success Toolkit, a minicourse that will teach you ways to apply his ideas. GET ANSWERS: Also, check out his in-depth course to help struggling students turn it around: https://sethperler.com/ugyg/ SPEAKING: If you want to hire him to speak for your parent or teacher event, learn more here: https://sethperler.com/public-speaking/ Here’s the 2e article and video: https://sethperler.com/child-2e-twice-exceptional-ultimate-guide/ Social Media for Dr. Robyn: facebook.com/DrRobynSilverman twitter.com/DrRobyn instagram.com/DrRobynSilverman facebook.com/HowToTalkToKidsaboutAnything The post How to Help Kids Who Struggle with Executive Function Skills in School and in Life with Seth Perler – ReRelease appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
50 minutes | Aug 4, 2021
How to Help Kids Learn Friendship Skills and Avoid Social Isolation with Caroline Maguire – ReRelease
How to Help Kids Learn Friendship Skills and Avoid Social Isolation with Caroline Maguire This podcast will focus on helping kids to gain needed friendships skills so that they can make and maintain meaningful relationships now and in the future. It will also serve to identify problematic behavior that may be keeping your children from making and being accepted by friends. Caroline Maguire, author of Why Will No One Play With Me provides tips and scripts that allow parents and educators to ask strong questions and provide necessary tools to help kids thrive in the area of friendship. Special guest: Caroline Maguire A child hangs back in gym class because he just knows he’ll be the last one picked. Another child monologues nonstop about dinosaurs on every playdate and still another talks nonstop throughout the movie even though everyone asks her to stop. They don’t get invited to birthday parties, are thought of too much or too little, & playdates often end poorly. Do you know any of these children? Every child struggles with something—and many have social challenges that, at their root, are issues with executive function and a need for social skills training. And while this may seem like just child’s play- those who know and love the children who struggle in the area of friendship know that it can be a very lonely place to be. The child often wants to have friends but isn’t picking up on social cues, the need to be flexible, and how to connect with same-age peers. They may ask, in one way or another, the heart-breaking question—Why Will No One Play With Me? Caroline Maguire is a personal coach who works with children with ADHD and the families who support them. Caroline earned her ACCG (Advanced Level Certification) from the ADD Coach Academy and her PCC (Professional Certified Coach Certification) from the International Coach Federation (ICF). She also received a Master of Education from Lesley University. Her revolutionary coaching program and methodology helps teach executive function skills to children, teenagers, and young adults. She is a former coach for the Hallowell Center in Sudbury, MA. While with the Hallowell Center, Caroline was the main coach for children and teenagers. Caroline consults with schools and families internationally and has been co-leading social skills groups for over a decade. She is also the author of a NEW book called Why Will No One Play With Me? The Play Better Plan to Help Children of All Ages Make Friends & Thrive The podcast provides: How to transform the “story” kids are telling themselves that may be keeping them from making and keeping friends. A way to identify what behaviors might be alienating others even when the child wants to make friends. How parents and educators can help strengthen the friendship skills of children in need. How to respond when a child asks; why will no one play with me? When (and which) incentives should be used? How to make a friendship “play better” plan. How to preplan before a playdate. What to do when your child is doing something off-putting during a playdate. How to debrief. Top tip for helping your child with friendship. Important Messages: In social skills coaching and life- people attack the problem and tell kids what to do BUT instead we need to first help kids change their internal story that they’ve been telling themselves (i.e. smart kids don’t need friends, nothing is going to work out, this is my mom’s problem but not a real problem). If they don’t buy in or think it needs to be changed, they won’t be on board to try. We need to ASK QUESTIONS to help our kids. When you hear your child talk, what do they say about social? That’s what we need to address first. Move the dialogue along- start with a place of curiosity. You don’t need to have the perfect question- you can ask; “how come?” “Tell me more about that.” “What do you mean by that?” Don’t interrogate. Sit back and listen. Step into their shoes. Manage ourselves before we talk about things that make us upset. Must manage your past. Can be triggering when it comes to friendship. Siblings can be a great source of info. But don’t talk about this in front of the siblings. What are 4 words I should never say again? (i.e. calm down). What’s triggering? What makes it challenging to make friends? Not participating! Being the rule police. Not being adaptable. Correcting everyone. Being “too much” (too loud, joke goes on too long). People notice when kids are choosing behaviors that aren’t kind—if they are acting immature or talking behind someone’s back or a joke goes on too long or they are nagging their parent—people notice and they don’t like it! Potential friends might see this and they back away and don’t want to be that person’s friend. How do we walk in someone else’s shoes? What are friendship skills all about? Need to teach our kids. How do you do it? Are they quirky or are they alienating people? You just need to be social. You don’t have to like sports. BUT in order to be invited places, what is the minimum that you must do to be part of a group? That’s how you get friendly with people you want to be friendly with. Sometimes kids shut themselves out of something before they think “perhaps there is some good that can come out of this.” Talk to kids: Tell your kids about the things you do to have friends—that you might not want to do but you do because you want to have friends. Kids must have a place they love- but some things have to do. QUESTION: Think about the people you want to be friends with—what makes them enjoyable to be with? What do YOU need to do, minimum, to be part of that crowd? If you want to hang out with these people, what would it look like if you did ________? What would it mean to manage the situation? Play “soccer” once per week? Paving: (1) We want to have a conversation- spend time talking about getting help. Who are your go-to people? When do you reach out for help as a parent? Volunteer something that YOU need to work on that’s hard. (2) Have a few of these conversations- sometimes shorter. (3) Not in a bad mood. Not in front of siblings. Need to be receptive. (4) Soft way. What’s going on in friendship these days? What is something you want to change this year about friendship? You often tell me that you are unhappy and you want something change…I noticed that it’s been hard for you because we live in a sports town and you don’t play team sports- what would it be like to find your people? Start with the broader concept of friendship. (5) Stay neutral and detached. (whatever you hear, you are going to be okay with) Everybody is working on something! We always think the grass is greener. Strike a deal! You are leaving the comfort zone too, as a parent. Use the questionnaire- The Play Better Plan– in the book. If your kid is motivated by incentives- need to be willing to listen and try- in return you can earn points. What’s in it for me? Skill: Reading context, mood and energy. Some don’t pause to notice. EXERCISE: Go to a food court and watch people’s body signals when they are intense, in a bad mood. Or, do it in the family. What does mom do/say when she is at the end of her rope? How do you know when someone is in charge? How do you know when someone is bossy? How are people reacting? (otherize it and then equate it on themselves) If your kid is resistant- ask their advice. They might see themselves in what they are telling you and then start talking. EXERCISE: Social spy. Watch other people. Teach them NOT to watch directly. “Go to school and look at what other kids do in order to hang out with these people? When do they get up, when do they get in, where do they go?” They make the discovery on their own! WHAT TO DO: When your child is doing something off-putting in the moment. Preplan. (1) Have a practice playdate with a cousin. (2) Have a mission (i.e. to let the other person choose the movie). (3) Have a cue- hey do you want popcorn? Tap on shoulder. In place of “hey, you are being bossy.” Don’t intervene. As early as 5 or 6, you don’t want to intervene because it will backfire. DEBRIEF: Talk about the wins. “I saw you show kindness.” “I noticed you were great about sharing in the first 15 min.” “I noticed you worked hard on your mission.” And even if the intention is there but the result is not what was intended, compliment the trying. Discuss what to do next time. You can role play. Ask; “what happened” during a particular situation. You might not know the full circumstance. Some children might not know how to handle certain situations. Then plan for next time. DEBRIEF: Was the playdate too long? Was it a playmate we can work with effectively? Better at home? Better out of the house? Bounce house too much for them? Finish this sentence: The most important thing that kids need to know about playing better and making friends is: TO BE ADAPTIVE. Research- CEO- don’t expect kids to have perfect social skills. But one thing that they do need is for people to be willing to adapt. Don’t need the right thing to say all the time- but don’t argue with everyone. Top tip: Ask questions and listen to what they are struggling with—and then help them to solve the issues. Myth: “I think people should come to me.” That’s not how life works! Put yourself out there and go to the people you are interested in becoming friends with at this point in time. Notable Quotables: “When talking to your kids about negative stories they are telling themselves, start with curiosity. Ask; ‘how come?’ ‘Tell me more about that’ or ‘What do you mean by that?’ And if they don’t have an answer, you can offer them a buffet of choices.” “When talking with kids, start from a place of curiosity. Don’t assume you know the answer. First ask, don’t tell.” “What we are trying to do is make our kids into their best selves. We want to make it so that they have choices.” “You have to be part of the social realm, be part of things and participate in order to make friends. You don’t want to be like a ghost and then complain you have no friends.” “Everything we do, other people notice. If you are nagging your mom in the middle of the hockey waiting room, your friends notice…and they don’t love it. If you are bossing people around constantly, people back away.” “Everybody can find a group of people like you and want what you want. As long as you find your people, you’re okay. Even the quirkiest kid should be able to find a group of people who are like them and who like them.” Dr. Robyn quote: “We can help our kids with friendship struggles but if we are so entangled in what our child says, how our child reacts or what happens next, then our ability to be helpful becomes compromised.” “We need to teach our kids that when you read the room, you don’t only pick up on what people say but you also pick up on people’s energy—their vibe. But many kids don’t pick up on people’s vibe!” “If kids seem resistant to talking about their challenges, ask their advice! Then, they might admit, ‘that’s kind of like me’ and start talking. At that point, they are like a deer—don’t look to close, don’t get too close because the deep will run away.” “It’s our goal for our children’s social—that they have friends, they are able to grow up and have relationships and they can make choices in the workplace—they don’t have to stay in the same job because they don’t know how to navigate.” “The research tells us that CEOs don’t expect people to have perfect social skills. As a matter of fact, especially in the tech sector, they don’t expect it at all. But one thing that they do need is for people to be willing to adapt.” As parents, sometimes, we look at our kid and think, ‘wow, for them these social skills are such a struggle. I can’t imagine them transforming into someone else. We’re not doing that. We are trying to make them into their best selves.” Heartbreaking. Children who struggle with friendship skills might ask; why will no one play with me? Many parents are at a loss for words. On #talktokids podcast, discover how to help kids thrive socially. Guest; @CoachCarolineCM.Click To Tweet Resources: CarolineMaguireAuthor.com Why Will No One Play With Me? (book) Social Media for Dr. Robyn: facebook.com/DrRobynSilverman twitter.com/DrRobyn instagram.com/DrRobynSilverman facebook.com/HowToTalkToKidsaboutAnything The post How to Help Kids Learn Friendship Skills and Avoid Social Isolation with Caroline Maguire – ReRelease appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
52 minutes | Jul 27, 2021
How to Talk to Teens about Topics that Matter with Michelle Icard
Special Guest: Michelle Icard This podcast episode focuses on talking to tweens about topics that range from sexuality and technology to the changing parent-child relationship. How do you approach tweens so that both people feel heard? Michelle Icard suggests the BRIEF method that stands for: Begin peacefully, Relate to your child, Interview to collect information, Echo what you’re hearing and give Feedback. The post How to Talk to Teens about Topics that Matter with Michelle Icard appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
56 minutes | Jul 20, 2021
How to Talk to Kids About Media Literacy and Deconstructing Advertising with Dina Alexander – ReRelease
Special Guest: Dina Alexander We are surrounded by media messaging everyday. The TV we watch, the billboards we see, the radio we listen to and the social media we read and share just to name a few. A great deal of our media is good- fine- interesting and even helpful—but there is a lot of media mixed in there that is useless or even harmful. Our children really need to know the difference. This is one of my favorite topics- I present on this topic and personally, it lights my fire as media is so powerful and has the ability to shape and break people. So how do we talk to kids about media and how to deconstruct, understand and critique it? Our old friend, Dina Alexander, who was already on How to Talk to Kids about Anything to discuss the topic of talking about sex and making babies—she is back to help us talk to kids about media literacy. The post How to Talk to Kids About Media Literacy and Deconstructing Advertising with Dina Alexander – ReRelease appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
52 minutes | Jul 6, 2021
How to Talk to Kids about Suicide Risk and Prevention with Jonathan B. Singer, Ph.D., LCSW
Special Guest: Jonathan B. Singer, PhD, LCSW This podcast provides tips and scripts for talking to kids about suicide. What are the risk factors? What are the protective factors? And what should we say if a child seems that they are hopeless, helpless or have said that they are thinking about ending their life. This is an uncomfortable topic- but one that we should and need to discuss. The post How to Talk to Kids about Suicide Risk and Prevention with Jonathan B. Singer, Ph.D., LCSW appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
61 minutes | Jun 29, 2021
How to Parent with Awareness with Dr. Dan Siegel – ReRelease
Parenting these days can be very reactionary. We have lots of pressure and little time and often many feelings of not being enough, constantly striving, competing with others and overall disconnection. We have big reactions or, perhaps we might say, our big reactions have us. But what if we practiced more aware parenting? What if we become more in touch with our own senses, our mental state, our bodies and our relationship to ourselves and to others and how our awareness could affect our parenting and our lives? When we become aware and reflective of our reactions and what is indeed feeding these reactions, we can become more receptive, calm, balanced, compassionate and positive in the way we parent our kids and more balanced in our own wellbeing. And imagine what we can teach our kids—by showing awareness and practicing awareness, we can then teach them to the do the same in their own lives. Is there a way to cultivate this awareness? Is there a way to teach our kids to practice awareness as children and teenagers? For these questions and more, we turn to our guest today, Dr. Dan Siegel. The post How to Parent with Awareness with Dr. Dan Siegel – ReRelease appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
49 minutes | Jun 22, 2021
How to Talk to Kids about What Mentally Strong Kids Do with Amy Morin, LCSW
Special Guest: Amy Morin, LCSW Do your tweens worry that they don’t fit in sometimes? Feel insecure? Wish that their lives looked as person as everyone else’s on social media? Being a tween can be tough in today’s world- especially during the past year of ups, downs, changes and question marks. Your tween is balancing a lot on their shoulders- homework, extracurricular activities, chores, friendship drama, family and all that growth and development—all while trying to the impression that they have it all together and they know what they are doing! Sometimes while they attempt to look perfect on the outside, they feel rotten on the inside- and today’s podcast episode is all about strengthening that inner person- becoming a better and stronger person takes some brain training and brain training takes tools so that they can develop healthy habits, build mental strength and take actions towards becoming their best selves. This week’s guest is someone who has been on the How to Talk to Kids about Anything podcast 3 times already- so this is her fourth- and that’s because she’s one of my favorites and definite a fan favorite as well. I am finding as I write my book, How to Talk to Kids about Anything, and write my chapters on talking to kids about mistakes and failure and dealing with big feelings, responsibility and self-reliance and coping with anxiety- the conversations that I’ve had with Amy Morin have come up again and again. So you will absolutely see Amy quoted in my book once it’s released- and she even wrote a very supportive comment about my forthcoming book in my proposal, for which I am extremely grateful. The post How to Talk to Kids about What Mentally Strong Kids Do with Amy Morin, LCSW appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
52 minutes | Jun 15, 2021
How to Talk to Kids about Tech Milestones & Digital Readiness with Devorah Heitner ReRelease
Special Guest: Devorah Heitner Devorah Heitner, PhD is the author of Screenwise: Helping Kids Thrive (and Survive) in Their Digital World and the founder of Raising Digital Natives. She passionately believes in the power of mentoring kids in creating a positive tech culture and she is delighted to be raising her own digital native. The post How to Talk to Kids about Tech Milestones & Digital Readiness with Devorah Heitner ReRelease appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
46 minutes | Jun 8, 2021
How to Answer Kids’ Toughest Questions about Sex with Logan Levkoff, PhD
Special Guest: Logan Levkoff, PhD Parents, much to their surprise, have a great influence on their kids’ attitudes and values around sex, body exploration and relationships. While kids might tell you that they absolutely, positively do not want to talk to their parents (of all people) about sex or dating, the studies reveal something completely different. Perhaps you remember when we had Richard Weissbourd of Harvard University on the show and he told us that his research continually shows that kids want to have these conversations with their parents—and not just once- they want to have lots of conversations about this information over time. They want the knowledge and they want the guidance. The post How to Answer Kids’ Toughest Questions about Sex with Logan Levkoff, PhD appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
52 minutes | Jun 2, 2021
How to Help Behaviorally-Challenging Kids Gain Skills & Solve Problems with Dr. Ross Greene – ReRelease
Dr. Ross Greene served on the faculty at Harvard Medical School for over 20 years, and is now adjunct Associate Professor in the Department of Psychology at Virginia Tech and adjunct Professor in the Faculty of Science at the University of Technology Sydney in Australia. He is the author of the influential, well-known best-selling books The Explosive Child and Lost at School as well as Raising Human Beings, Lost and Found and Lost in School and has helped to bring about an upcoming documentary called “The Kids We Lose.” He is a fierce and articulate advocate for the compassionate understanding and treatment of behaviorally challenging kids and their caregivers. Drawing upon vast clinical and consultation experience and research in the neurosciences, his innovative, research-based Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (CPS) approach – which posits that challenging behavior is the result of lagging skills (rather than lagging motivation) and emphasizes solving problems collaboratively (rather than use of motivational procedures) – has been implemented in countless families and hundreds of schools, inpatient units, and residential and juvenile detention facilities. The Collaborative & Proactive Solutions model helps parents, teachers, and kids work together to solve problems in a way that respects our kids while supporting them in improving their behavior. Dr. Greene is also the founder of Lives in the Balance, which aims to provide resources and programs to caregivers of behaviorally challenging kids, address the issues that cause many of these kids to slip through the cracks; and to promote practices that foster the better side of human nature in all children. The post How to Help Behaviorally-Challenging Kids Gain Skills & Solve Problems with Dr. Ross Greene – ReRelease appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
47 minutes | May 25, 2021
How to Attune, Set Limits and Problem-Solve with Children in Difficult Moments with Heather Turgeon & Julie Wright ReRelease
Perhaps you’ve made the mistake of cutting your child’s sandwich into triangles instead of squares. Or you’ve dealt with siblings that won’t stop fighting, a child who refuses to get out of bed or cries when you try to leave the house. And perhaps your child’s struggles, tantrums, refusals, frustrations have gotten a little bit under your skin and made you hot under the collar— and while you tell yourself to be patient and loving, you start yelling, threatening, bribing or caving under the pressure. We get it. SO many parents feel helpless, desperate and frustrated when their kids just won’t cooperate or seem so unreasonable and you are just trying to get out of the house, get them to bed or get dinner on the table. My guests today will give us what to do and say in these moments using their ALP system that they’ve taught thousands of parents in their clinical practice over the years. Heather Turgeon MFT and Julie Wright MFT are the authors of the new book Now Say This: The right words to solve every parenting dilemma (Penguin RandomHouse), as well as the popular sleep book, The Happy Sleeper. Based in NYC and Los Angeles, they frequently speak and offer consultations to families on communication, setting limits with empathy, sleep, and more. Follow them on Instagram and Facebook @TheHappySleeper The post How to Attune, Set Limits and Problem-Solve with Children in Difficult Moments with Heather Turgeon & Julie Wright ReRelease appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
63 minutes | May 18, 2021
How to Raise Joyful, Change-Making, Socially-Aware Girls with Dr. Janice Johnson Dias
Special Guest: Janice Johnson Dias Can we teach our daughters to change the world for the better? Through conscious parenting choices, we can give our girls the resources to not only take hold of their own futures but also assist other girls, pulling them upwards and forwards so that change becomes a chain reaction and a powerful one at that. It may seem counter-intuitive, in a world that often tells parents to put their children first by dwarfing their own passions—taking a back seat in their own lives so that their children can move ahead- our next guest posits that by finding our own joy, we can inspire our girls to discover and live by theirs. By laying down the burdens of our past, turning our challenges into adventures, and our failures into lessons we can teach our girls many important lessons. But just as important, we can help our girls to identify her heroes and mentors, her own strengths and allow her to teach us a thing or two each week about who she is and how she sees the world. The post How to Raise Joyful, Change-Making, Socially-Aware Girls with Dr. Janice Johnson Dias appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
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