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Harmony in the Home
13 minutes | Jun 16, 2021
105: Being a Friend to Yourself
If you know me, you know I’m obsessed with ChapStick. It’s my FAVORITE lip balm. My dad used it all the time, I use it all the time, it’s great. (I promise there’s a point to this.) I recently discovered Graham Cracker flavor, which is my new favorite — but my family doesn’t get my obsession with ChapStick, and in fact, Grady is grossed out by the smell of Graham Cracker. But that doesn’t change how much I love it. They just don’t understand! Now, I want you to think of someone that you love and admire, whether it’s a friend, a family member, a spouse — and then I want you to think about someone outside of your close circle NOT liking that same person. If some person told me they didn’t like my sister or my dad or David or my kids, I’d be confused, and I’d have to say “you don’t know them like I do. You just don’t understand!” Now (okay, here’s the point) imagine that someone who has no tangible stake AT ALL in your life is angry with you or dislikes you. Should you feel something in terms of a reaction? And if so, how should you feel? When you cultivate self-love and practice a mindset that offers empathy, grace, and compassion, you’ll be the friend that you need — you can safely ignore opinions from people who don’t live within your walls and don’t know you like you know yourself. They just don’t understand! It’s hard work, but everything gets better with practice. So let’s practice together! Subscribe on Apple! Subscribe on Android! Join my FREE parenting bootcamp! Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me: Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com. Find me on Instagram! Find me on Facebook!
15 minutes | Jun 9, 2021
104: Reality TV
Do you ever start doing something different because there’s a possibility you’re being watched? I know I have. Recently I was thinking about an event early on in my conscious parenting journey. I was at a restaurant with my family and I saw an acquaintance (let’s call her Margaret). I impulsively began to play with Lily’s hair. Why did I do it? Was it to show off how connected I was to my daughter? And why did I care so much about the opinion of this woman who barely knew me? It’s interesting to note the ways in which our behavior can change based on who’s around to see it. Now, the road toward becoming a conscious parent is a long road! Following in this path requires that we all become acutely aware of our behaviors and the motivating factors behind them, and sometimes the Margarets in our lives, both real and imagined, can help with this. Early on in my conscious parenting journey, I developed a sort of life hack where I pretended I was on a reality TV series with cameras all over pointed at me. Is it weird? Maybe a little. But it also helped me pay attention to my behaviors, specifically in parenting. I constantly ask myself: what are my motivations for doing whatever I’m doing? This is not to say that you should be overly concerned with what other people think about your parenting style or your relationship with your children. In fact, as a general rule, you shouldn’t care! (See episodes 96 and 97 for more on this topic.) HOWEVER, the reality TV technique can jumpstart your mental focus, forcing you to get curious about your own behaviors and their motivations and be aware of what you must modify within yourself to become a better parent. As you develop confidence in your ability to be the mentor, the rational mind, and all the other things children need from adults, you can go from the reality TV mindset of “parent like everyone is watching” to “parent like no-one is watching.” You’ve got this! Subscribe on Apple! Subscribe on Android! Join my FREE parenting bootcamp! Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me: Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com. Find me on Instagram! Find me on Facebook!
18 minutes | Jun 2, 2021
103: Boomerang Judgement
You may be thinking, what’s with this title? I know “boomerang judgement” may sound weird to you, but hear me out! This is an important principle. Within Byron Katie’s coaching and healing regimen, which she calls The Work, she has a worksheet called “Judge Your Neighbor” where the coachee would describe a bothersome, annoying, or otherwise disturbing aspect of a close associate. For example, a coachee might write “Paul never listens” on their worksheet. (Paul may be their colleague, their student, their own child, or their spouse; everyone has a Paul in their life.) Afterward, the exercise asks for the coachee to write introspective inversions of the judgement. One might follow up the statement “Paul never listens” with “I never listen,” “I never listen to Paul,” “Paul DOES listen,” or “HOW does Paul listen?”, et cetera. A brain going about its normal business (seek pleasure, avoid pain, and maximize efficiency in doing both) without conscious guidance is unwilling to approach difficult emotions with nuance, and so these inverted statements may all be true but lie suffocated beneath the weight of “Paul never listens.” If we throw out a judgement, we must accept the possibility of a return, just like a boomerang returning after being thrown. Honest introspection is painful for the ego; we tend to find that if someone else’s actions bother us, it’s because we see similar behavior within ourselves. Fortunately, if I stop to think and honestly ask myself whether I’m also guilty of the thing I dislike in another person, then sometimes I learn that I am! It’s both humbling and empowering. Knowing that I’m both flawed and awesome (as is everyone) is an important lesson; it helps me extend grace and compassion to other people when they do things I don’t like, and it helps me have empathy for myself as I try to improve myself every day. Subscribe on Apple! Subscribe on Android! Join my FREE parenting bootcamp! Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me: Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com. Find me on Instagram! Find me on Facebook!
27 minutes | May 26, 2021
102: Emotional Childhood
As a follow-up to last week’s episode regarding imago theory and therapy, I wanted to talk a little bit about what Brooke Castillo calls “emotional childhood.” It’s the stage we’re in before we arrive at “emotional adulthood,” which is balanced, rational, guided by the prefrontal cortex and the conscious mind at all times. Incidentally, it’s also the state we will revert to given negative stimuli, if we are not practicing conscious thought. When I was teaching elementary school, I might sometimes see a student hitting another student, and when I confronted them, the response usually went to the tune of “well, they hit me first!” It seems wholly irrational, and yet I was able to exercise patience with the student and explain how our actions can hurt others. Even if the other student hit first, the reaction was wrong. Well, separating the ego is easy when it’s not your own child! Before I undertook the journey toward truly conscious living, if my kids would act out or do something I didn’t like, I’d react with a proportionately negative response. If they threw a tantrum, I threw a tantrum too. David saw the danger in this, but — like a child myself — I would say, “well, they did it first.” This was a regression, a reversion to that less evolved emotional state. Emotional adulthood demands that we, the adults, behave as adults — and that we offer grace and compassion to our children and to ourselves, because believe me, we’re all going to mess up. AND THAT’S OKAY. Everybody is learning, and we get to learn how to step into emotional adulthood together! Subscribe on Apple! Subscribe on Android! Join my FREE parenting bootcamp! Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me: Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com. Find me on Instagram! Find me on Facebook! As you You’ve got this! Subscribe on Apple! Subscribe on Android! Join my FREE parenting bootcamp! Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me: Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com. Find me on Instagram! Find me on Facebook!
18 minutes | May 19, 2021
101: Imago Therapy
This week I thought I’d touch very briefly on a concept that helped me understand a LOT of things about my romantic relationships and my marriage to David. The “imago” relationship theory developed by Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt appears in their joint-authored book “Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples,” and it’s been formally codified as IRT, Imago Relationship Therapy. The word “imago” is derived from the Latin for “image,” referring to the unconscious image of “similar love,” or love that recreates early childhood experiences. If people in love say to each other, “it’s like I’ve known you forever,” it’s because, in a way, they do. Hendrix and Hunt found that when people seek romantic partners, they unconsciously recreate their childhood scenarios and the relationship they had with their parents. This often leads to unconsciously attempting to fix in their present relationship the things that were lacking in their past as a child (see episode 78) — not necessarily because they enjoy being attracted to people who are like one or the other of their parents or caregivers, but because it’s familiar. As we recognize that our unconscious mind, informed by past relationships, is partially responsible for determining who we’re attracted to and why, we should both be aware and beware of unconscious roadblocks in our relationship path. I realized early on that if my siblings or friends suggested I do this or that thing, I could do it with no sweat — but if David asked me to do the same thing the same way, I felt reprimanded! I felt not-good-enough! It was like I was a child again, and it wasn’t even David’s doing! Says psychologist Carl Jung (and I’m loosely paraphrasing here), “until we know our unconscious mind, it will direct our life and we will call it fate.” Remember that what your parents said and did in their interactions with you and how they treated you was not a reflection of your worth but a projection of their own insecurities upon you (see episode 45). As you become aware of this and aware of your own imago dynamic in your relationship, you will be able to more clearly see and meet your own needs, which in turn will help you meet your spouse’s needs and your children’s needs. You’ve got this! Subscribe on Apple! Subscribe on Android! Join my FREE parenting bootcamp! Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me: Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com. Find me on Instagram! Find me on Facebook!
25 minutes | May 12, 2021
100: Getting Your Husband On Board
Today marks our ONE-HUNDREDTH EPISODE! WOOOOOOOO! Parenting is an incredibly difficult task even under the best circumstances. I’m blessed to have the support of my husband David. Together, as we’ve adopted the conscious parenting model, we’ve been able to give more to parenting where it matters. We’re learning to accept the inevitable truth of our children eventually leaving home to be adults. We’re learning that our responsibility is to give them grace and compassion while their brains are developing. We’re learning to be realistic in our expectations as they learn LITERALLY EVERYTHING for the first time, including failing at it frequently (see previous episode). Most importantly, I believe, we’re learning to give ourselves the same abundance of kindness that we give our kids. We aren’t a perfect couple or perfect parents. We came to parenthood laden with baggage from growing up, as everyone does. We have had to learn about our and each other’s baggage. We’ve also had to unlearn many conscious and unconscious “parenting from fear and / or lack” behaviors rooted in our pasts. These behaviors hindered us in our divine stewardship as parents. They continue to hinder us, BUT it’s a lot easier now that we are CONSCIOUS of them. Join us on this historic occasion as David, normally a man of few words, speaks on his side of the parenting process. We’ll talk about the importance of mutual rapport between spouses and how together we support our kids as they grow. I know my podcast isn’t everybody’s cup of tea, so I hope that if you’re trying to parent consciously, this second perspective can help win your spouse to your cause. And believe me, it’s worth all the effort if you can. Team work makes the dream work! Subscribe on Apple! Subscribe on Android! Join my FREE parenting bootcamp! Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me: Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com. Find me on Instagram! Find me on Facebook!
24 minutes | May 5, 2021
099: Failing Forward
Is it bad to fail at something? Does it mean anything about us or about or worthiness or good-enough-ness? The answer to these questions is a resounding NO, and I want to talk about how failure is an important process you should be undergoing on the regular. As children in our natural developmental process, we try to walk, talk, eat, play sports or musical instruments, and so on. We generally fail the first few times — the first MANY times, actually. But eventually, with careful guidance from our parents, mentors, teachers, and coaches, we start to understand how to accomplish The Task, whatever The Task is, and we slowly get better at doing it. We never stop failing, we just fail less and less. It’s odd, then, that as adults most people are terrified of failure. In my own life, I notice that my own apprehension about not being able to do The Task is what sabotages my ability to perform The Task, and in fact that’s how it is for many people. Creativity especially suffers; I spent two years agonizing over whether to begin my podcast before I finally started. In this episode, I’ll discuss why it’s important to fail as part of the process of growth and why children need to fail. I’ll touch on what many great minds including Brené Brown, Brooke Castillo, and Sara Blakely have to say about reframing the meaning of failure. Last but certainly not least, I’ll remind you why it’s okay for YOU to fail. In this giant podcast family, we support each other and give each other (and ourselves) a heaping serving of grace and compassion. Failure doesn’t need to mean regression. It’s part of the path FORWARD, and we’re all on that path together. Subscribe on Apple! Subscribe on Android! Join my FREE parenting bootcamp! Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me: Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com. Find me on Instagram! Find me on Facebook!
24 minutes | Apr 28, 2021
098: Comparison is the Thief of Joy
Do you ever feel like you don’t measure up to the ideal? What can you do about that? The axiom “comparison is the thief of joy” is attributed to Theodore Roosevelt. Regardless of its origin, it rings true for me and many other parents struggling to cultivate harmony in the home. When I was just beginning my parent journey, I compared my circumstances and my children to those of other parents far too often. I often used others’ successes in home and family life as a measuring stick. When I didn’t measure up, I whipped myself with that stick. (In this episode, I’ll talk about why this is always the WRONG reaction.) Iyanla Vanzant says: “Comparison is an act of violence against the self. It also leads to judgments and jealousy of those we deem “better off” than we are.” Iyanla is spot-on here. Not only can our habit of comparing ourselves make us feel inferior, it can cause cankers of resentment to fester in our soul as our self-flagellation for not being “good enough” leads us down the familiar road to a martyrdom complex. The long and the short of it: stop whipping yourself with your measuring stick! Instead, focus on giving yourself grace and compassion to do your personal best. This includes making mistakes along the way! As you do this, you will regain the joy you have lost to endless comparisons. My favorite coaches and teachers who pushed me the furthest toward excellence were kind and compassionate to me. As you take care of yourself and speak kindly to yourself the way a good teacher or coach would do, you will feel refreshed and liberated, and you’ll discover that you have always measured up. Subscribe on Apple! Subscribe on Android! Join my FREE parenting bootcamp! Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me: Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com. Find me on Instagram! Find me on Facebook!
23 minutes | Apr 21, 2021
097: How to Stop People-Pleasing
text Last week, we talked about how other people’s opinions of you are basically always their opinions about themselves, projected onto you. This episode is the natural follow-up to that one. We all know at least one “people-pleaser” in our life: somebody who’s spread themselves just a little too thin between work, their kids’ extracurricular activities, the PTA, their church and community groups, and so on. Maybe YOU’RE the people-pleaser in your circle. The condition of people-pleasing is a result of seeking substantial emotional connections unmet in childhood. It’s natural, just like the brain’s threefold tendency to seek pleasure, avoid pain, and maximize its efficiency in doing so. It doesn’t mean that you’re irreparably broken or a bad person. What it does mean is that you have a special opportunity to learn to internalize your self-worth and set boundaries so you are giving the people closest to you the BEST of you instead of the REST of you. In this episode, I’ll talk about meaningful steps you can take to break yourself of people-pleasing and codependent attachment, and (perhaps more importantly) I’ll talk about modeling healthy emotional behavior for your children so they can have what you might not have had. Subscribe on Apple! Subscribe on Android! Join my FREE parenting bootcamp! Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me: Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com. Find me on Instagram! Find me on Facebook!
34 minutes | Apr 14, 2021
096: Other People’s Opinions
How important is an opinion? Specifically, how important is an opinion about YOU? Some questions that come up a lot with my clients include: what do other people think about me? Am I good enough? Am I worthy? So this brings up an excellent question: why the fixation on other people’s opinions? Now, before we even begin, let’s get one thing clear: the vast majority of people are not silently judging you. They are worried about what YOU think of THEM. That’s just how everybody is. So WHY is that the case? In this episode, I’ll talk about the psychology of wanting to belong in the “in group”, the ways developmental trauma conditions us to look for external validation rather than internal motivation, and how as adults, we can exercise the mental muscle of spending our emotional energy worrying about what’s really important. Hint: what’s really important is NOT what other people think about you – not even your parents. (GASP!) In addition, I’ll talk about the specific times and situations where you SHOULD care about other people’s opinions, and how to open a healthy, engaging dialogue with your partner, kids, and other important family members so you can have grace and compassion with each other as you grow together. Here’s a link to the Wu Wei Wisdom Source video I reference in the episode: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uACgIJGrLPg Subscribe on Apple! Subscribe on Android! Join my FREE parenting bootcamp! Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me: Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com. Find me on Instagram! Find me on Facebook!
19 minutes | Apr 7, 2021
095: Your Relationship With Your Body
What’s in a friend? On social media I asked you about what attributes you look for in a friend. The biggest responses were LOYAL and HONEST. That’s no surprise. We have a natural instinct to surround ourselves with people who value us and tell the truth. In this episode, I want to encourage you to cultivate just such a friendship with your body. Now, Byron Katie’s concept of loving “what is” applies here: as you come to love and accept your body, any changes you choose to make for your mental and physical health will be motivated in caring for your body rather than hating it. Like last episode, I’ll be referring frequently to Brooke Castillo’s CTFAR model. Circumstances are the “as-is”, the objective reality from which your thoughts, feelings, actions, and results stem. The circumstances are what they are – but you have the privilege to choose your reaction. Take the reins. Here is the link to all the goodies you need to dive into the A line, action. Message me and say “I’m in” and you can join our group to focus on the T line of the model with me for results to feel comfortable in your own skin. https://tinyurl.com/ALineOfTheModel Subscribe on Apple! Subscribe on Android! Join my FREE parenting bootcamp! Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me: Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com. Find me on Instagram! Find me on Facebook!
29 minutes | Mar 31, 2021
094: Why You’re Not Losing Weight
In 2013, things were not great in Kelly land. I felt like I had lost my mojo. I felt stuck at the time. To be fair, there were a lot of stressors in my life: we were living in a house with a mold problem – we’re talking so much mold that living there was unsafe! – we were briefly homeless because of it, David didn’t like his job, my mom had a 15-pound tumor. Anyway, it was not great. As I began to sink into despair for our family’s woes, I started to get very out of shape. I’m not just saying that, either. I was going to McDonald’s and getting a hot caramel sundae with extra nuts, a small fry, and a large Diet Coke and I was doing this order not one but TWO or even THREE times a day. I was so embarrassed thinking about the workers seeing me that I would drive to a different McDonald’s restaurant each time. It came to a head when I was in the drive-through with Lily in the back seat, and she said “next window please” right in time with the cashier saying “next window please.” We had been to McDonald’s so many times that my child knew the cadence of buying food. I knew things had to change. I said to myself, I can’t control what’s happening outside of us, but I CAN control how I move my body, what I put in my body, and how I treat my body. That’s one thing I can control when everything else is out of control. As I started on the grueling journey up and out of my bad habits, I felt my excitement and passion for life return. I felt my dormant inner athlete come out. I felt like my inner child was being excited again, and I felt more zest for life overall. So I started helping people to lose weight, and that’s how I started off in this journey of life coaching. In this episode, I’ll explain a bit more about my process in terms of Brooke Castillo’s CTFAR model, which applies to any goal you intend to set, and the mission-critical mindset of mindfulness and persistence in your efforts to attain your goal. The circumstances are what they are – but your thoughts, feelings, and actions are a DRASTIC influence on the result you obtain. Here is my diet supplement that helps me with my A-line in the model: https://tinyurl.com/ALineOfTheModel Subscribe on Apple! Subscribe on Android! Join my FREE parenting bootcamp! Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me: Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com. Find me on Instagram! Find me on Facebook!
19 minutes | Mar 24, 2021
093: H. A. L. T.
Would you like to help your kids stay clear of the dreaded red zone? Would you like to spend less time there yourself? Try HALTing! People in addiction recovery learn the acronym H. A. L. T. to identify four triggers that exacerbate their cravings: hungry, angry, lonely, tired. The word “halt” literally means “to come to an abrupt stop,” and taking a quick personal H. A. L. T. inventory does just that: with practice, it can be used to derail your child’s temper tantrum train. The ingenuity of H. A. L. T. is that these four simple descriptors account for a vast swath of negative human emotion. (Sometimes they don’t, but I’ll talk about that in this episode!) My point is that giving our kids words to describe their tricky emotions allows them to understand WHY they feel the way they do. It also helps them develop habits of healthy emotional management. Remember: if you can name it, you can tame it. As you arm the people in your four walls with emotional knowledge, and as you continue to give yourself and others grace and compassion, you’ll be able to make sense of tricky emotions together. If my family and I can do it, you can do it too! Subscribe on Apple! Subscribe on Android! Join my FREE parenting bootcamp! Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me: Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com. Find me on Instagram! Find me on Facebook!
23 minutes | Mar 17, 2021
092: R. A. K. Away
When I was unconscious — I mean, before I began my inner work of mind management and conscious parenting — the kindness (or lack thereof) of my kids was a big trigger for me. David and I decided to find ways to quietly, anonymously do service to others in the outside world and even within the walls of our home in order to teach them how to have an attitude of kindness. Now, don’t get me wrong, kindness is still very important to me! But I had an exacting standard of behavior for my kids that even I as an adult couldn’t adhere to. That’s nutty nuts! Perfectionism is one of the most pernicious traps parents can fall into. Mommy guilt is a double dip of not-fun, because you get upset that your kids aren’t doing the thing (whatever the thing is), and then you get upset at yourself for getting upset. That’s no bueno. So anyway, back to random acts of kindness. The intention was to teach our kids to be kind, and that worked — but in the end, WE learned to be kind as well. And we had little accountability partners to remind us to show kindness. Children are always watching, for better or for worse! In this episode, I’ll read some of your social media responses, which I hope will inspire you and other listeners to take action and try doing something kind for another person today. As you manifest grace and compassion towards other people outside your four walls, you will see the results within as well. Subscribe on Apple! Subscribe on Android! Join my FREE parenting bootcamp! Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me: Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com. Find me on Instagram! Find me on Facebook!
26 minutes | Mar 10, 2021
091: Calzone and Coke
I’ve noticed that there are two main groups into which all people fall in terms of handling tricky emotions: calzone people and Coke people. Allow me to explain. First, there are calzone people, who hold in their emotions and suffer their grievances in silence until at last, all their metaphorical cheese and tomato sauce comes running out in a flood of tears. Then there are Coke people, who are like bottles of soda that keep getting shaken. Their fizzy agitation and anger is easily visible, and their anger ramps up to a show-stopping explosion. Chances are if you have multiple kids, you have at least one of each kind. As always, we have a conundrum on our hands. How do we approach helping kids with different personalities process their emotions? Feeling my tricky emotions is hard for me, and I’m 46! I HAVE strategies to deal with feeling the feelings! And as we’ve talked about in prior episodes, our kids simply aren’t as far along as we are in this regard. It’s illogical for us as parents to expect adult-like behavior out of our children, who are very much children in body, mind, and spirit. And it’s mission-critical that you approach your own tricky emotions with as much grace and compassion as you do when your kids manifest them. In this episode, I’ll help you suss out what kind of personality you have, talk to your kids and yourself about your emotions, and help you remember (as always) that it’s okay to feel those tricky emotions, whether you’re 4 or 46. Subscribe on Apple! Subscribe on Android! Join my FREE parenting bootcamp! Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me: Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com. Find me on Instagram! Find me on Facebook!
21 minutes | Mar 3, 2021
090: Toothpaste Words
Everybody knows this phrase: “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” We push this idea for children to say in order to not cede emotional control to a bully, but the simple truth is that words DO hurt. When I was an elementary school teacher and counselor, I did an exercise I call “toothpaste words” to demonstrate this principle. The origin escapes me, but I have used it many times. It goes something like this: I had a funny-looking puppet and a paper heart representing the puppet’s emotions. I would have my students come up to the front of the classroom one by one to say mean things about the puppet’s glasses or dress and squeeze a little toothpaste from a tube onto the paper heart. Then, when everyone was finished, I would say, “okay, now we are going to fix those hurtful things by complimenting the puppet and we’ll put the toothpaste back in the tube!” Of course, it was impossible to put all the toothpaste back into the tube. Unkind words or actions leave a lasting mark in real life, too. The primary application is to teach children empathy by helping them understand the ways in which their behavior affects other people. It’s an engaging visual presentation that you can refer to again and again; saying “those are toothpaste words” will elicit a stronger empathetic response than just saying “that’s naughty.” But your children may also call you out for your own toothpaste words and actions. If you are willing to set aside your own ego, you will learn from this experience as much as they do. Subscribe on Apple! Subscribe on Android! Join my FREE parenting bootcamp! Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me: Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com. Find me on Instagram! Find me on Facebook!
31 minutes | Feb 24, 2021
089: Red Light Green Light
Before I dive in, a little thing that’s been on my mind recently. I’ve noticed that when I have a question or am looking for a solution to an issue in my life, it helps to sit in on a coaching session where a coach is assisting another parent with a similar difficulty. I’m thinking about setting up an online space where we can all meet together and learn from each other, and I’ll mention that in this episode. Let me know what you think! Now, on to the main event: I often refer to various levels of emotion using a name borrowed from a children’s game, “red light green light.” “Green light” is status quo, “red light” is the red zone (whether sadness and sulking or anger and rage), and there’s a broad swath of in-between emotions I call “yellow light.” In this episode, I’ll talk about some strategies I employ which have helped my children and students get from “yellow light” back into “green light.” I’ll talk about ways in which my children help ME go from “yellow light” to “green light.” Most importantly, I’ll talk about how we can help our children perceive, understand, and manage their own emotions. Everybody has to start from zero, and if you weren’t taught these things, it’s extra hard for you because you’re trying to learn and teach at the same time. But I know you can do it, because I have done it, and we are much more alike than you think! Modeling and explaining healthy responses to emotional stimuli is important, and even more important is normalizing feeling all kinds of emotions. Emotionally healthy children are not always happy. This aspect of parenting is mission-critical: your children need to know that they are allowed to feel all the feelings, and nothing has gone wrong. And don’t worry. With practice, you’ll get there. I’m getting there too. We’re all in this together! Subscribe on Apple! Subscribe on Android! Join my FREE parenting bootcamp! Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me: Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com. Find me on Instagram! Find me on Facebook!
29 minutes | Feb 17, 2021
088: Breaking Up With a Toxic Friend
Last week, I asked you all over social media: what are some traits of a toxic friendship or relationship? I got answers from “feeling drained all the time” to “feeling anxiety” to “thinking about the relationship takes away from family time.” A toxic interpersonal relationship in any form is a massive drain on body and spirit, and it’s often necessary to set boundaries for your own sanity. This episode is about breaking up with a very specific toxic friend that almost all of us have. This friend is constantly by our side, demanding that we give them our attention. Our friend bothers us when we should be working, spending time with our family, or even sleeping! This friend is a massive vortex draining us of productivity, and we need to set some boundaries. So I’ll be teaching you how to break up with (some of you may have already guessed) your cell phone! I felt like I had my cell phone usage habits under control – and then 2020 happened, and everything went to pieces! So I have a goal to crack down on this particular toxic friendship, and I’m inviting you to join me as together, we employ several strategies (which I’ll talk about in this episode) in order to relegate the phone to its proper position as a tool to be used, not a master to control us. Subscribe on Apple! Subscribe on Android! Join my FREE parenting bootcamp! Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me: Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com. Find me on Instagram! Find me on Facebook!
26 minutes | Feb 10, 2021
087: Big Emotions Part 2 – Examples
Last week, we discussed what happens when our kids have big emotions. This week, we’ll talk about some examples from my life (that I share with my children’s permission) about how David and I helped our children work through strongly emotional moments. As you develop grace and compassion for your child, you will be easier on yourself, and vice-versa. When your child feels a big emotion with a cause that seems inconsequential or petty to you, remember that they have to experience the whole range of human emotion for the first time, and sometimes feelings are overwhelming. Remember that this emotion is proportionate to their age and stage in development. Above all, remember that IT’S NOT PERSONAL, and your child is merely having a hard time, not giving you a hard time. Become a mentor, not a martyr. This week, I’ll also share some strategies to practice during calm times that can help your child regain emotional control during a meltdown. Having big emotions, whether at age 2 or age 42, is hard. But we can do hard things. I am rooting for you! 🙂 Subscribe on Apple! Subscribe on Android! Join my FREE parenting bootcamp! Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me: Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com. Find me on Instagram! Find me on Facebook!
37 minutes | Feb 3, 2021
086: Managing Big Emotions
How do we help our children manage big emotions? I recently helped Grady with homework. This boy is multiplying triple-digit numbers by triple digit numbers. I marveled at his skill with multiplication. It didn't come naturally to him; he had to learn by trial and error, and nobody got mad at him when he didn't know how to multiply big numbers. Now, here's the parallel. Our children experience the exact same ENORMOUS gamut of human emotions we experience, and they don't have any strategies for dealing with their emotion. Imagine experiencing huge emotions, but not having the strategies you've developed in nearly 30 years of life! It would be BRUTAL. As parents, we have the opportunity and the duty to exercise grace and compassion as we teach our children how to manage big emotions. Now, that's not to say we want to remove emotion! If you've read the book or seen either film of The Stepford Wives, you know about the perfect housewives of Stepford. We do not want that in our children. We want them to have emotions — ALL emotions — but we want them to be able to process their emotions in a healthy way. So hit play and let's dive in! Subscribe on Apple! Subscribe on Android! Join my FREE parenting bootcamp! Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me: Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com. Find me on Instagram! Find me on Facebook!
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