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On the 31st of Decemeber 2020 I sat down to record a reflection on this strange and terrible year in personal and political terms. Which makes it sound like a downer but I did try to focus on good things as well as bad and all the rest of the things that don't fit the good/bad binary. Then I listened back to it and did some light editing. Then I mixed it down, And now I'm sharing it with you.

Chapter 6 of my weekly unedited lockdown readings.

Chapter 5 of my weekly unedited lockdown readings.

Chapter 4 of my weekly unedited lockdown readings.

Chapter 3 of my weekly unedited lockdown readings.

Chapter 2 of my weekly unedited lockdown readings.

Chapter 1 of my weekly unedited lockdown readings.

General content note for the series: death, dementia, old age, mental health issues Additional content note: sex, assisted dying, war  This episode is the last episode of the first (and possibly last) season of this show, and it's about legacy. I’ve been planning this show for years. The earliest recording I’ve used was recorded by my dad on cassette tape in 1984. This show has covered 96 years of my dad’s life and 38 years of mine. I started recording interviews with my dad in 2011 and began writing essays about our relationship and his journey through old age towards death in 2017. I’m glad I made this show. That it hasn’t just remained an imagined show. It’s been a tough journey at times, but it’s one I’m so glad I’ve made. Thanks for travelling on it with me. Artwork by my brother Tony Pickering: http://www.pick-art.co.uk/

General content note for the series: death, dementia, old age, mental health issues Extra content note: grief, suicide, terminal illness, abuse, bereavement In the final full episode of the podcast using content funded by the British Podcast Awards and the Wellcome Trust I talk to counselor and psychotherapist Karen Pollock MBACP about grief and death. This is an episode about ways of thinking (and feeling) about bereavement, therapeutic approaches to change and loss, how the systems and attitudes around and inside us effect the ways we deal with difficult things, and so much more. It is the only episode of the show that doesn't feature my dad's voice but he is very present in the conversation. Karen on twitter: https://twitter.com/CounsellingKaz Counselling in Northumberland: https://counsellinginnorthumberland.com/ Non-Binary Lives: An Anthology of Intersecting Identities: https://www.ubcpress.ca/non-binary-lives The Messiness of Grief: https://counsellinginnorthumberland.com/2020/02/03/the-messiness-of-grief/ Opening the door to difficult conversations: https://counsellinginnorthumberland.com/2018/01/23/opening-the-door-to-difficult-conversations/ Death and second chances: https://counsellinginnorthumberland.com/2016/11/22/death-and-second-chances/ Artwork by my brother Tony Pickering: http://www.pick-art.co.uk/

General content note for the series: death, dementia, old age, mental health issues Additional content note: euthanasia/suicide But no matter what he forgets, it can’t take away the love we have shared, that existed, and will always have existed, even when he has forgotten it; even when he is no longer alive to remember it; even when I have forgotten it; even when I am no longer alive to remember it. It happened. And that has to be enough. This episode is about movement, memory, change, time, distance, tears, connection, therapy, sadness, love, grief and everything else that can come in waves. Artwork by my brother Tony Pickering: http://www.pick-art.co.uk/

General content note for the series: death, dementia, old age, mental health issues Extra content note: bereavement, pain, terminal illness (including cancer) and the caste system In the seventh full episode of the podcast using content funded by the British Podcast Awards and the Wellcome Trust I talk to Khyati Tripathi about studying death. This is an episode about understanding and navigating mortality and creating spaces where we can talk about difficult and taboo topics. Khyati on twitter: https://twitter.com/khyati_tripath Remaining with death: https://thepsychologist.bps.org.uk/volume-33/april-2020/remaining-death Association for the Study of Death and Society: https://www.deathandsociety.org/ Artwork by my brother Tony Pickering: http://www.pick-art.co.uk/

General content note for the series: death, dementia, old age, mental health issues Additional content note: euthanasia/suicide I realised that maybe our positions aren’t that different after all. And I wondered if, in the moments that I manage to believe in hope, I seem as inspiring and naïve as he does. It made me wonder if maybe the spark I see in him, that belief in people and ideas, if that isn’t also in me, despite my frequent feeling that it isn’t. If I might communicate that to other people regardless. If the world as humans know it lasts for long enough for me to reach a similar age as my dad, I wonder if I will be someone who frustrates and delights young people with my faith in them, whether I will still accept the possibility of hope and change? This episode is about belief, hope and progress. It considers technological change, generational change, spiritual change and political change. Artwork by my brother Tony Pickering: http://www.pick-art.co.uk/

General content note for the series: death, dementia, old age, mental health issues Extra content note: operations, medical procedures, assisted dying, euthanasia In the sixth full episode of the podcast using content funded by the British Podcast Awards and the Wellcome Trust I talk to sociologist Dr Gill Haddow about embodiment, replaceable hearts, everyday cyborgs, humanimals and unhealth. This is an episode about possible futures and how we feel about our bodies. Gill on twitter: https://twitter.com/gillhaddow Everyday Cyborgs and Humanimals 2018: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7WilTY5FF5w Animal, Mechanical and Me: https://animalmechanicalandme.com/ Artwork by my brother Tony Pickering: http://www.pick-art.co.uk/ The BPA Fund has a survey that I’d really appreciate you filling in if you have a few moments. You can find it here: http://podcastviews.com For some extra incentive if you fill it in you can be entered into a draw for a £50 Amazon voucher. For the purposes of this survey “Getting Better Acquainted” counts as "Down to a sunless sea" whether you are listening to it via the GBA feed or not.

General content note for the series: death, dementia, old age, mental health issues Additional content note: war, medical operations, suicidal ideation I’m still pretty terrified of my dad stopping existing. He has been such a part of my life that it feels like a world without him in it is impossible. But ever since I was a child, I have been imagining that world. I’ve played out his death so many times. I’ve written it into fiction and songs. I’ve spent hours in my mind going through how it will be. What I might think and do. How it will affect me. How it will affect my family. And I’ve always thought it would probably happen soon. But it never has. This episode is about confronting death and confronting love. It includes the story of my dad's war and of his heart attack and quadruple heart bypass. Artwork by my brother Tony Pickering: http://www.pick-art.co.uk/ The BPA Fund has a survey that I’d really appreciate you filling in if you have a few moments. You can find it here: http://podcastviews.com For some extra incentive if you fill it in you can be entered into a draw for a £50 Amazon voucher. For the purposes of this survey “Getting Better Acquainted” counts as "Down to a sunless sea" whether you are listening to it via the GBA feed or not.

General content note for the series: death, dementia, old age, mental health issues Extra content note: PTSD, dependency/addiction, rape (touched on lightly, no descriptions) In the fifth full episode of the podcast using content funded by the British Podcast Awards and the Wellcome Trust I talk to psychologist and epidemiologist Dr Suzi Gage from the podcast Say Why to Drugs about researching recreational drug use and mental health. Say Why to Drugs with Dr Suzi Gage: https://podcasts.apple.com/il/podcast/say-why-to-drugs/id1114492774 Say Why to Drugs by Dr Suzi Gage: https://www.hachette.co.uk/contributor/suzi-gage/ Artwork by my brother Tony Pickering: http://www.pick-art.co.uk/ The BPA Fund has a survey that I’d really appreciate you filling in if you have a few moments. You can find it here: http://podcastviews.com For some extra incentive if you fill it in you can be entered into a draw for a £50 Amazon voucher. For the purposes of this survey “Getting Better Acquainted” counts as "Down to a sunless sea" whether you are listening to it via the GBA feed or not.

General content note for the series: death, dementia, old age, mental health issues This episode is about creating things: imaginary worlds, homes and friendship. It's also about walls: drawing on walls, putting up boundaries, and pulling down the walls inside your mind and heart. Artwork by my brother Tony Pickering: http://www.pick-art.co.uk/ The BPA Fund has a survey that I’d really appreciate you filling in if you have a few moments. You can find it here: http://podcastviews.com For some extra incentive if you fill it in you can be entered into a draw for a £50 Amazon voucher. For the purposes of this survey “Getting Better Acquainted” counts as "Down to a sunless sea" whether you are listening to it via the GBA feed or not.

General content note for the series: death, dementia, old age, mental health issues Extra content note: Suicide, self-harm, bereavement, war, antisemitism, the Nazis, COVID-19 In the fourth full episode of the podcast using content funded by the British Podcast Awards and the Wellcome Trust I talk to health psychologist Professor Rory O'Connor about researching suicidal behaviour. And to historian Professor Julie Gottlieb about researching suicide increases in times of crisis, specifically during the "War of Nerves" (1938-1939) and the Munich Crisis (September/October 1938). Artwork by my brother Tony Pickering: http://www.pick-art.co.uk/ The BPA Fund has a survey that I’d really appreciate you filling in if you have a few moments. You can find it here: http://podcastviews.com For some extra incentive if you fill it in you can be entered into a draw for a £50 Amazon voucher. For the purposes of this survey “Getting Better Acquainted” counts as "Down to a sunless sea" whether you are listening to it via the GBA feed or not.

General content note for the series: death, dementia, old age, mental health issues It’s important to keep in mind that the story of my relationship with my dad is only one part of his life. It’s only one of the ways he has been a father: the context of my childhood has been very different from the context of my siblings’ childhoods. While he was retired for most of my life, for the rest of my siblings, he was someone who went out to work.  This episode is about friendship, parenting, love and care. Artwork by my brother Tony Pickering: http://www.pick-art.co.uk/ The BPA Fund has a survey that I’d really appreciate you filling in if you have a few moments. You can find it here: http://podcastviews.com For some extra incentive if you fill it in you can be entered into a draw for a £50 Amazon voucher. For the purposes of this survey “Getting Better Acquainted” counts as "Down to a sunless sea" whether you are listening to it via the GBA feed or not.

General content note for the series: death, dementia, old age, mental health issues Extra content note: Bereavement, suicide, disability, abortion, terminal illness In the third full episode of the podcast using content funded by the British Podcast Awards and the Wellcome Trust I talk to three doctors with different perspectives and experiences that inform their opinions around assisted dying and euthanasia, something my dad has long advocated for and wishes was available to him. Dr Rob Jonquiere is the executive director of The World Federation of Right to Die Societies: https://www.worldrtd.net Dr Jacqueline Davis chairs Healthcare Professionals for Assisted Dying which is part of UK organisation Dignity in Dying: https://www.dignityindying.org.uk Dr Mark Pickering is chief executive officer of the Christian Medical Fellowship and part of UK organisation Care Not Killing: https://www.carenotkilling.org.uk Artwork by my brother Tony Pickering: http://www.pick-art.co.uk/

General content note for the series: death, dementia, old age, mental health issues A document is a piece of evidence; a record; a proof of something. By this definition, we are all living documents, documents that may or may not be lost to history. What parts of us are recorded? What parts of us are seen? We record our lives and the lives of others, using our memory and our technology. We choose what to record, how we record it and how we present it, sometimes consciously and sometimes subconsciously. We don’t always fully choose because we can only work with what we have; sometimes our choices are more restricted than others. We are all documents; we are all documenters; we are all Documentary Makers. Artwork by my brother Tony Pickering: http://www.pick-art.co.uk/