Listen Now

Psychologist and Life Coach, Cortland Watson, joined me on the podcast to discuss many of the psychological and emotional aspects involved in returning home early from a mission. Using personal stories and insights from his life, his career, and his education, Cortland guides the listener through learning more about emotions, identity, expectations, failure, shame, growth vs. fixed mindset, and so much more. He offers strategies for moving forward in life with connection.  Cortland also addresses those struggling with abuse from others due to an early return and those contemplating suicide. This is an amazing episode for anyone struggling with returning home early from a mission.Want to learn more about Cortland? Perhaps schedule a free consultation for life coaching? Please visit his website at everonwardcoaching.comHe will be presenting at BYU's Life After Loss Conference on March 18, 2023: https://lifeafterloss.ce.byu.edu/homeWant to share your story? Please follow this link to fill out an application: https://bit.ly/3SBqDLrMy editor, Brandon Kellogg, is great! If you are looking for an inexpensive audio or video editor, please reach out to Brandon at brandon.kelloggrm@gmail.com.Interested in my book? Please purchase from this link with Cedar Fort. It's probably the least expensive option and I get a little extra kickback :). If you prefer audio or ebook, you can find it on Amazon.

Meg returned home early after three months of service in Fresno, California. She spiraled into a deep depression due to hiding her sexuality and experiencing chronic pain. Her mission president and his wife did the best with the information that they had but left her with trauma because they didn’t understand how to address mental health. In this episode, Meg talks about her journey of self-acceptance, better understanding the Atonement, helping others on their journeys, and the importance of better mental health trainings for leaders. My editor, Brandon Kellogg, is great! If you are looking for an inexpensive audio or video editor, please reach out to Brandon at brandon.kelloggrm@gmail.com.Interested in my book? Please purchase from this link with Cedar Fort. It's probably the least expensive option and I get a little extra kickback :). If you prefer audio or ebook, you can find it on Amazon.

Growing up in the church, Nicholas never knew if the gospel was for him and he struggled to go to church because of his anxiety and lack of desire. After receiving his patriarchal blessing, and being amazed by the things stated in his blessing, he developed a testimony of the church and decided for himself to serve a mission. He served in Denver, Colorado but soon suffered from pain and verbal abuse, which caused him to suffer from mental health issues. He also suffered some verbal abuse from his mission president, which he was later able to confront his mission president about, resolve, and forgive. He eventually decided to go home. By staying firm in his commitment to God, Nicholas has stayed firm in his testimony and been able to move forward with his life and help others.My editor, Brandon Kellogg, is great! If you are looking for an inexpensive audio or video editor, please reach out to Brandon at brandon.kelloggrm@gmail.com.

Brandon was about to attempt suicide when the thought came to his mind to "Give God one more chance." Brandon decided to act on that thought and prayed mightily. This decision to pause and act on a prompting began his long journey of repenting of past transgressions and resolving his concerns with the church. Brandon wanted to serve a mission, but he wanted to do it right, and make sure all things were resolved before he went and served--both his former transgressions and his faith crisis--which took a few years. After this time passed, he received a call to serve in the Illinois Chicago Mission for only a few months. He lives with autism and was very frustrated with this short call as he felt his ability to serve was misunderstood because of his diagnosis. But, he still went and loved his mission even though he dealt with imposter syndrome. After those few months, he was sent home, and after a series of ups and downs, which he details in this episode, he was called to serve in the Utah Salt Lake Headquarters mission--a mission that he initially hated. However, a sacred experience humbled him and helped him learn to love and appreciate his mission. Brandon's story is one about promises being fulfilled and a testimony to the importance of listening to God and acting on promptings. It is an inspiring listen for anyone. Brandon has also written a book about his experience called "Honorably Excused."You can find it on Amazon: https://amzn.to/3nJn8V0Or, you can email Brandon at brandon.kelloggrm@gmail.com and receive it directly for $2 off. If you are looking for an inexpensive audio or video editor, please reach out to Brandon at the email above!

Destiny Yarbro returned home early twice. The first time she returned home early from the MTC for physical health reasons. The second time, she went to the mission field and then returned early for mental health reasons. She not only felt like she had failed the Lord upon this second return, but she truly felt like she had committed a transgression (even though she hadn't) because the Lord didn't heal her and so must not want her in the field anymore. Destiny experienced a chronic illness where she had to lay horizontally for months on end. This was extremely difficult emotionally, but eventually she began to feel peace and joy again as she made goals for herself and accomplished them. She called them her "horizontal goals," and they included spiritual goals and secular goals. As she worked towards these goals, she began to see miracles in her life, some of which eventually led to her serving a service mission while at home. Destiny has since gone on to write a book to help early-returned missionaries, work with the Church's missionary department to make the service mission program what it is today, and serve members of the Church all over the world. She does all of this while still dealing with chronic physical and mental health issues. Destiny is absolutely incredible and literally anyone and everyone would benefit from listening to her story.Destiny's Book: https://amzn.to/3pGslNODestiny's Email Address: yarbro.destiny@gmail.comKris Doty-Yells's article for parents: https://bit.ly/3EyylOK

Addie had always desired to serve a mission and when her call came, she was excited to go! However, a few months into her mission, she was emotionally abused by her companion and housemates. It was a very isolating experience for her. She also began having some physical health problems due to allergies. And, to top it off, she suffered a lot from OCD as well. Despite these things, Addie did manage to continue on until the COVID-19 pandemic struck and she was sent home along with thousands of other missionaries. She talks about her struggles on the mission as well as what it was like to go home due to the pandemic and the emotions and struggles that came with that. Furthermore, Addie told me that she didn't love her mission and we discussed the cultural implications of that. This episode will comfort anyone who had a rough time on their mission, whether they served the expected amount of time or not, to know that they are not alone and to find a path forward. 

In this episode, Jackson shares his story of returning home early twice. The first time, he served for eight months before physical health problems required that he come home. The second time, he served for seven months (in the same mission) before a different set of physical health struggles struck him and he again needed to return home early. Through all of this, Jackson had an amazing support system who helped him to talk kindly to himself and put things in their proper perspective. He tells me why he chose to stay home the second time, takeaways he learned from this experience that will serve him well in life, and gives great advice to those who have come home early for any reason. 

Jacob started his mission journey long before he even got his mission call. Overweight and insecure, Jacob decided to make some changes. He got into body-building and realized it was a way from him to grow and push himself. He decided to apply this new mentality to all areas of his life, including spirituality, and eventually decided to serve a mission. However, as soon as he arrived in his mission, he began experiencing breathing problems, possibly due to the recurrence of a childhood illness, and then later had a hard time swallowing. He managed to stay for seven months, but finally needed to go home. He stated that he believes that if he'd been able to take care of his physical health more, especially through more exercise, these illnesses would not have bothered him as much, or perhaps not have occurred at all. His health improved dramatically once he resumed his workout routine.Jacob was lucky to have a lot of support from those around him, although he did also deal with some judgement which really bothered him for awhile. Ultimately though, Jacob learned to stop seeking validation from others and to love and accept himself as he is, to set goals for himself, and to understand more fully his divine potential. 

Violet was born deaf and wears two cochlear implants. She served a mission to Washington D.C. speaking ASL. She came home early due to depression and anxiety after much consideration, prayer, and counseling with her mission president. She later served a service mission in her hometown area of San Jose. She shares with me her strong testimony and faith in God despite her trials (including the depression and anxiety that still plague her). She is a bright beacon of hope for anyone else struggling to know how to get through the dark night of depression.Finding Joy in Healing: Facebook Page and Instagram Page

After a period of inactivity, Summer returned to church and began receiving promptings and dreams about serving a mission. She followed these promptings, but upon entering the MTC she developed terrible anxiety, including panic attacks, and depression. Her mental health became so bad that her physical health began to decline as well. She returned home from the MTC feeling confused and defeated. She soon discovered the reason for her early return though when she was able to help a friend embrace the gospel. Summer also talks to me about how she hears the Spirit and how that has helped her make decisions in her life. She still struggles with depression and anxiety today and talks about what helps her through this ongoing trial. 

Jake was born with cerebral palsy and as a result was often excluded from activities as a youth in the church. As a result of this exclusion, and a falling out with a friend, Jake became inactive during his later teen and young adult years. He is part of the LGBTQ+ community and identifies most closely as queer. While he was away from the Church, Jake had a close brush with suicide and felt the Spirit tell him to "come home." Jake contacted the missionaries who helped reignite his testimony and desire to come back to church. Shortly after coming back, Jake decided to serve a mission despite his physical limitations. While on his mission, Jake realized that there were things from his past that still needed to be cleared up, particularly related to homosexual immorality, and he opened up to his mission president. Jake was sent home, which he initially felt peace about, but upon returning home was treated in a way that led him into inactivity again. Jake is currently trying to find peace again with the Church, but in the meantime is also doing what he can to deepen his relationship with God and Jesus Christ. He shares with me his insightful perspective on church policies and discipline, as well as how being different in the Church can be extremely difficult. Jake is very open, raw, honest, and vulnerable in this interview and anyone would benefit from listening to his story. Jake's episode on Listen, Learn, and Love: https://soundcloud.com/user-818501778/episode-361-jake-berry-child-of-god-lds-cerebral-palsy-lgbtq

Throughout her childhood, Kate was emotionally and physically abused by her father, and then later by her stepmother. While on her mission, Kate experienced anxiety and undiagnosed ADHD. These mental health struggles were not understood by her companions and they became exasperated with her and abused her emotionally and even physically as well. This re-traumatized Kate and brought up a lot of PTSD. She was given a sedative to calm her, but eventually things came to a head and she decided to go home. Upon returning, Kate felt "broken, undignified, and like a complete failure." She transitioned to a service mission shortly after returning home and the healing began. Her family also rescued a dog, which became an emotional support animal for Kate. During this episode, Kate shares how she has been able to turn negatives into positives her whole life, and this experience of returning home early from her mission is no exception. 

Genisse is the first missionary I have spoken with who came home early due to mental health reasons and then returned to her mission. In this episode, she shares with me her journey of choosing to come home and then choosing to return which includes the ups and downs of therapy, moving forward with life during the 16 months she was home, keeping the desire to return to her mission alive, and going through the required process to return.  She also shares what it was like to return to a mission, how she coped with her mental health upon her return, and what has happened in her life since then--including working on a book about this subject and owning a small business, all while still dealing with her depression and anxiety! 

In this episode, Pascal tells me his story about returning home early due to a prolonged illness that started about a month after he arrived in the field. It was misdiagnosed as depression and homesickness, but turned out to be severe thyroid dysfunction. Pascal shares how he was ostracized by many in his ward back home in Germany and how that led to a period of inactivity because he felt like he didn't belong. When he moved to Utah for school, he felt like he was able to start over with the church and found fellowship and understanding. Pascal also shares his story of conversion to the church and how his testimony helped him to stay in the church even when it was hard. He also tells me about the miracles that happened during this trial and shares wisdom he's gained for anyone going through something similar. 

There are so many questions that run through the mind of an early-returned missionary, not least of which is questions along the line of "What is the rest of a mission like? Specifically, what is the rest of a proselyting mission like?" To answer this question, and several others, I have invited five missionaries who completed the expected amount of time on their missions to come on the podcast and answer questions from those who needed to return home early. These are people I've talked to before, many times, about their missions, and I know they would give completely honest, sincere answers about what the "rest of a mission" is like--the good and the bad. Some suffered depression, anxiety, companion issues, etc. but for one reason or another were able to complete the intended amount of time. Some didn't struggle with anything serious at all, but like all missionaries, they each had mission experiences unique to them.This is a longer episode for this podcast, so the questions are time-stamped below. 1:32--Introductions5:16--I was out during the pandemic. Can you tell me about the MTC and being out during normal times? Specifically, I never got to knock. What's that like?11:54-- Does a mission get better? It was so hard to adjust. If it does, when? I was only in the field for 3 months.17:03--Did you ever wish that you were sick so that you could have a day off?19:56--How did you persevere through the depression?32:17--What's it like to go on splits?34:37--What is it like to train?39:51--What's it like to do the cool things on a mission like whitewash, shotgun, etc.?44:24--What is it like to have a leadership role?51:28--Conversely, what's it like to go your whole mission without a leadership role?57:40--Did you ever have a companion go home early? How did it affect you?1:01:52--Did you ever seriously consider going home early? Can you share why?1:04:42--Do you see early-returned missionaries differently? Would it change if that person were in your immediate friend group?1:15:38--Why do those who complete the intended amount of time like to talk about their missions so much?1:22:05--Do you want to serve a mission as a senior couple some day?1:26:22--Kristen's final thoughts

JT had never experienced depression before his mission. He recalls being bullied in the MTC by his companions for six weeks before finding relief in the field before the depression got worse. He stopped feeling his emotions, had bad insomnia, and eventually suicidal thinking. Upon returning home, he felt like such a failure. He was very confused about what had happened to his mental health as he began to experience panic attacks. He saw a therapist which was helpful and also eventually got involved with Mission Fortify and became and early-returned missionary coach which helped his healing process immensely. Although JT isn't overly fond of  talking about his mission today, he wouldn't change anything because he feels like it's made him better.

In this podcast episode, Richard Ostler (host of the podcast Listen, Learn, and Love) shares what he has learned about helping those who feel marginalized in the Church, including early-returned missionaries. Richard has served in multiple leadership positions, including as a YSA bishop for three years. Richard is also the parent of an early-returned missionary (due to COVID and OCD Scrupulosity) and shares his experience of going through that trial with his son. In addition to these things, Richard also shares what is challenging about leadership positions, gives good advice to those who return home early, as well as to leaders, and lay church members. He emphasizes honoring personal revelation, utilizing the gift of the Atonement, and loving everyone--especially those we do not understand. And, he tells of his great love for millennials. This is an episode you won't want to miss!You can learn more about Richard and his podcast by going to papaostler.com or listenlearnandlove.org. 

In this episode, Synne shares her story of returning home early from her mission in France due to perfectionism, anxiety, depression, and self-harming. She felt like she had failed Heavenly Father and was devastated. However, because of her desire to continue serving, Synne immediately requested to become a service missionary upon returning home, even though there had never been a service missionary in Norway before.  Synne persisted despite this and with the help of her leaders, she became the first service missionary in Norway and Sweden! Listen to Synne's story if you want to feel inspired and uplifted about how to continue doing the Lord's work even when things don't go as planned. 

Sarah was sent home during the COVID-19 pandemic because of physical health problems. She begged her mission president to stay, but he was concerned she wouldn't get the help she needed if an emergency happened and so after 15 months in the field, she went home. At the time, she was also experiencing covert abuse from her companion which brought up a PTSD response of abuse she had experienced from her dad. In this episode, she discusses that abuse, the trauma it inflicted, and what she has learned by going through this trial. 

In this episode, Josie shares her story of coming home early after 15 months due to stress, anxiety, and panic attacks that increased in severity. Gospel activities triggered large amounts of anxiety for her, leaving her scared and confused, and she began to abandon the truths she had always held dear. The gospel began to fuel her anxiety rather than soothe it. Through this trial, Josie  is better able to help others who question their faith or leave the Church. Her testimony is stronger for having gone through her faith crisis, but she understands what it's like to be on the margins of Church culture.