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This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée share a big cartoon turkey leg while reading Married... With Children: Quantum Quartet no. 1! In the 90s, NOW Comics was printing cash publishing low-effort adaptations of popular IPs for undiscerning kids who would scoop up literally anything. Feeling pretty cocky about their success, NOW decided to jump completely off the rails by mashing together television's lowbrow losers the Bundys with an unlicensed satire of Marvel's first family, the Fantastic Four! It's a cornucopia of corny jokes and wildly inconsistent characterizations, and it probably sold more copies than War & Peace. Plus, a Darkseid's Couch investigative report: Just how underage was Christina Applegate during the show, and should someone be in prison right now?

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée slip into something more comfortable to read Hero Alliance no. 16! The Dark Age of Comic Books was in full swing in 1991, and Hero Alliance aimed to be the perfect time capsule of grim 'n' gritty funnybook excess. Innovation Publishing made sure to include all of the era's biggest hits in one amazing package: Casual brutality, juvenile insults, billowy capes, and more bared teeth than a Doberman trying to eat corn on the cob. But no encapsulation of the times would be complete without multiple gratuitous sex scenes, designed to both titillate and disgustipate. A generation of repressed proto-incel comic book nerds salutes you, Hero Alliance! That's, uh... that's not something to be proud of, by the way.

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée cast their judgement on Superman's Pal, Jimmy Olsen no. 134! Jack Kirby had just begun his massive Fourth World saga, kicking it off the way all great stories start: With a ginger kid leading a gang of space bikers into a secret dimension! After using his newfound authority to get Superman to stop being such a buzzkill about "safety" and "reckless endangerment," Olsen's free to take a group of children on a hyperspeed, fourth-dimensional joyride for reasons nobody bothers explaining! Dude, when you're this high, the most conspicuous thing you can do is start asking for things to make sense.

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée cast their ballot for comic book nonsense when they read 1996's Captain America no. 450! President Clinton is feeling salty about all the treason that his BFF Steve Rogers has been committing lately and deports him to England to think about what he's done. No longer an officially-sanctioned superhero, Cap is free to do all the weird stuff he always wanted to try, like saluting a different flag and calling French fries "chips." Unfortunately, he's more concerned with tracking down the terrorists he thinks framed him, even though he kinda actually did do all that bad stuff in the first place. Dude, just enjoy your retirement. You're like 80.

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée slither their way through Detective Comics issues 514-517! Vigilante crime fighter Batgirl has a problem: Her pants keep getting destroyed when she transforms into an unholy half-snake abomination. Well, technically that's two problems. It's a race against time as Batgirl tries to find a way to reverse the horrible curse that's slowly eating away at her humanity, but also giving her a pretty sweet Halloween costume. Plus, Batman turns into a vampire! Again! At a certain point you have to start wondering why he hasn't bothered cooking up a cure for that yet. It's just getting suspicious, is all.

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée are still slashing their way through a month of allegedly spooky comics! In Child's Play no. 4, murderous doll Chucky has to fight his way through a department store full of more sentient, non-copyright-infringing toys! How did they come to life? Why are they so angry? How come a book based on a horror movie franchise isn't even attempting to be scary? And why couldn't Innovation Publishing innovate themselves a business model that would last longer than five years? There won't be any answers, but at least there'll be plenty of goofy puns. Hey, Halloween 2020 was going to be a disappointment anyway, you might as well start getting used to it now.

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée go looking for scares in all the wrong places when they trudge through Ghost Rider no. 31! Doctor Strange has brought together the finest nine heroes who didn't have anything else to do tonight and mashed them together to form the gothiest new superteam of 1992, the Midnight Sons! Wait, nine members? Boy, they're gonna be the Early Afternoon Sons by the time this roll call is done, right!? You've got Ghost Rider! Morbius, the Wealthy Vampire! Blade, the Morbius Hunter! Blade's Friend! The Other Ghost Rider! Man in Coat! Gun Guy! Sunglasses Lady! Backup Gun Guy! Faced with insurmountable odds, they'll put aside their differences and work together for the greater good: Bringing us a spooky Halloween comic! Did they succeed? It's shocking that you would even ask.

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée begin a month of spooky comic book tales with The Twilight Zone no. 88! An adaptation of the iconic television show, The Twilight Zone comic might not have the show's signature eerie charm and social relevance, but it makes up for it in topless drawings of a pretty buff Rod Serling! In the cover story, a dork receives a mysterious barbell that makes him instantly jacked, but when his ego gets out of control he learns the greatest lesson of all: Too much cardio will really burn up your gains. Oh, and be kind to others or whatever. Then, two other stories that weren't good enough to be on the cover! Those are probably so good people didn't even think they needed to be advertised!

This time on Stingray's Cove: Mike, James, and Shée look for shelter from 1980's Marvel Two-In-One no. 65! Everyone's favorite superhero finally gets his chance to shine when Stingray singlehandedly takes down a gang of snake-themed terrorists! Well, technically he gets his aquatic ass handed to him immediately after stumbling unto an undersea heist, but he probably only let them win so that The Thing could look like a hero. That guy's life is a horror show, he deserves a win. Then, Triton the Inhuman makes flimsy excuses for why he didn't help despite being the only one with actual water-based superpowers. Bro, if you didn't want to hang out with Stingray just say so, nobody's gonna blame you.

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée get sucked into a whirlpool of aquatic nonsense with 1964's Aquaman no. 16! It's a tale of lust on the high seas when the King of Atlantis appears to have fallen in love with a mysterious alien lady! Sirene does things his girlfriend Mera never would, like shapeshift and pilot a flying saucer. In a surprise twist, it turns out to have all been a ruse perpetrated by another alien who's on the run from some space toughs for squealing to the space cops about their space crimes, and only the Aquafamily can help! Sensing an opportunity to both uphold justice and manipulate Mera's emotions for his own benefit, Aquaman pits his two suitors against each other, with the Crown of Atlantis as the prize! ("The Crown of Atlantis" is how Aquaman refers to his weird fish genitals.) Meanwhile, Aquaman's ward Aqualad looks around vacantly for something to do. You might have to sit this one out, little buddy: Things might get a little PG-13!

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée dive into a month of water-themed comics, starting with Namor, the Sub-Mariner no. 35! Marvel's first mutant returns home to Atlantis to show off his radical 90s makeover, only to find that a woman claiming to be his dead mother has claimed the throne in his absence! Maybe it's all a big misunderstanding: It's super dark down there and nobody can hear what anyone's saying, these kinds of things probably happen all the time. But before Namor can deal with that, he'll have to clean up after an unexpected visit from Venom's stunt double, the murderous Tiger Shark! Wow, the ocean is just one hassle after another. You have to wonder if Namor wouldn't rather hang out with the X-Men instead if Xavier didn't have so many rules about wearing shirts at school.

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée take a break from the totally sensible comics they normally read and try out Strange Adventures no. 52! A decade after World War II, Strange Adventures encapsulated an America obsessed with aliens, bombs, radioactive birds, and a few more bombs, just to be on the safe side. First, a man accidentally creates a species of giant malevolent parakeets. Next, some fraudsters get clowned on by spacemen. Then, a child becomes an intergalactic menace because he has no parental guidance. Of course, nobody ever learns anything from this parade of fuck-ups, so it looks like we'll just keep living in the existential quicksand our boomer heritage has left for us until someone builds a bomb big enough to hit 'RESET' on the last few millennia. It seems that modern life was the strangest adventure of all, amirite?!

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée get out their oversized magnifying glasses to look for clues in 1982's Ka-Zar the Savage no. 17! Bored of the Savage Land, Ka-Zar decides to get turnt on some mushroom soup and read trashy noir comic books. It's the same coping mechanism that got a generation of adolescents through the 90s. Unfortunately, since Ka-Zar and his lucky bride Shanna just eat random things they find in the jungle, they become trapped in a zany detective hallucination filled with intrigue, murderous dames, and canted fedoras that never fall off your head no matter how many windows you dive through. Can Shanna find the right arbitrary jungle flora to reverse the effects and save Ka-Zar, or will she use this as an excuse to finally leave her dopey manchild of a husband? You know, maybe none of this would've happened if you bothered making dinner once in a while, Ka-Zar. Find out more at http://darkseidscouch.com

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée discover that the T-Force was inside themselves all along when they read 1993's Mr. T and the T-Force no. 3! Fashion icon Mr. T finally gets his own comic, which mostly features him beating up children and videotaping it. You'd think he'd prefer to make himself the hero of his own comic instead of a bloodthirsty public menace, but here we are. In this issue, Mr. T prowls the streets of Chicago looking for other people's business to stick his mohawk into, eventually screaming into enough faces to infiltrate a secret chop shop and put multiple innocent lives in danger in the process. Hey, that's just the Tao of T, baby! Next time don't recruit a guy with 40 pounds of gold chains around his neck if you're hoping for subtlety.

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée pool their life savings to buy a Batarang after reading 1967's Batman no. 191! The Dark Knight is selling all of his batcrap because it might give him cancer, so it looks like we know exactly how much he actually cares about saving Gotham. Come on, Batman! There's always chemotherapy for the cancer, but the Joker ain't going into remission! Then, Alfred's famous kitchen prowess gets him abducted by some hungry mobsters, forcing him to leave the kind of tenuous clues that only an unhinged psychopath would think to put together. Luckily, Bruce Wayne is a grown man who decided a yellow oval on a grey unitard is fashion forward, so Alfred should be home by dinner.

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée journey to the center of their minds with 1988's Psychoblast no. 4! Brian Burke has everything going for him: A sweet janitor gig, tight glutes, and a head full of silver, flowing hair so glorious you'd swear he scalped Kurt Russell. The only problem? There's an amoral supernatural entity locked in his psyche that could be dictating his entire perception of reality! What if his ass isn't actually that firm?! Brian will go to any lengths to get answers, even if it means taking an 18-hour nap while government agents talk about how awesome he is. But when he's asked to befriend a ginger, can even the power of the mysterious Psychoblast keep Brian from getting totally grossed out? Find out on this week's episode of Derailed Hyperliberal Comic Book Podcast! Find out more at http://darkseidscouch.com

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée learn about friendship and eye-gouging with 1953's The Three Stooges no. 1! It's a collection of tales featuring everyone's favorite trio of careless knuckleheads who should've died a thousand times by now, Moe, Larry, and Shemp! The 1950s were a decade of economic prosperity, and Americans were eager to point and laugh at those who were struggling to generate a livable income. The Stooges were happy to oblige, trying everything from running a diner into the ground to blowing up the fireworks factory they just bought, all while the government does nothing to help these three adults with severe cognitive disabilities. But don't worry, because they're protected by the power of their love for one another. And probably a whole lot of black market painkillers. So shove a fork in a power outlet, fall out of a window, have a cinder block dropped on your head, whatever. Nothing can harm you as long as you've got your two best chums with you. It's the Darkseid's Couch Code!

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée jam a childhood's worth of after-school specials into 26 pages when they read The New Wave no. 11! In 1986, Eclipse Comics seemed to be making books solely to broadcast their disregard for the Comics Code Authority. Case in point: When the New Wave decides to take a day off from whatever it is they normally do to visit the circus, all of the show's dirty secrets will be exposed! From coke-snorting clowns to coke-snorting acrobats to at least one audience member who simply loves crack, the reputation of this once-proud tradition of abusing animals for human amusement may be tarnished forever! It's a dark and uncomfortable tale that will leave you with an important life lesson: The circus sucks. Seriously, the food's awful, the souvenirs are overpriced, you're just gonna leave disappointed.

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée step in a big pile of Miss America no. 1 and spend an hour trying to wipe it off on the doormat! Travel back to 1944 and witness (or don't) the biggest comic book gimmick of them all: Miss America's inaugural issue was the first book in the industry to actively force anyone with a perfunctory sense of empathy to put it down and go find something else to do with their lives! Watch (or don't) as Miss America uses her powers of blind patriotism and ironic hypocrisy to embolden the very bigotry she's claiming to fight against! It's a book so depressing, so immoral, so offensive to basic human decency that it'll make even the most jaded listener ask, "Goddamn, when's the next Batman episode?" Soon, we promise!

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée learn there's no natural resource not worth profiting off of when they read 1984's Sun Runners no. 1! In some non-specified future, Sun Runners travel the galaxy capturing solar energy to sell to needy planets. Sometimes they even fix broken stars, although all that usually involves is unplugging them and then plugging them back in again. The team's made up of a hyper-violent elephant man, a dolphin lady who wants to go back to the sea but can't resist the allure of space capitalism, a sex-starved robot, and a human who instantly incinerates himself. And he's the leader! You couldn't have less confidence in your fuel providers if the Three Stooges worked for BP.