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Have you ever heard the saying, “Couples who play together, stay together”?  In our experience working with couples and singles for many years, there is definitely truth to this saying.  We’ve found that people who play are healthier and more fulfilled in life in general. Couples that play and laugh together have fewer fights. Couples who play and have fun are often more relaxed and creative in bed! Singles that play are happier, more fulfilled and more likely to create connections with others.  Play is a way to connect beyond words. Play, fun and laughter is a common language we all share.  On the flipside, play and “chill time” is the first thing to go out the window when we get stressed.  Can you relate to that? When you're stressed and maxed out, do you turn to play or is that the last thing on your mind?  We talk to a lot of couples and individuals who during the elevated stress and challenges of Covid times simply forget about playing and relaxing. And it takes a toll. As an example, I’ve been coaching two different couples recently. Both couples have similar circumstances. Both couples consist of two full-time working-from-home adults, and both couples have two young children who needs full-time care and both families are stuck inside their houses due to Covid and West Coast wild fires. It’s a challenging time for all of them, to say the least.  One of these couples is doing pretty great. Despite the elevated stress and huge demands on their time, they work together as a team and make sure to stay in communication and stay in love.  The other couple is spiraling downwards in anger, stress, arguing and lack of alignment. They’re barely keeping it together.  There are of course a lot of factors impacting this situation, too many to cover here. But one of the crucial elements of the first couple’s success is that they still find time to play and relax, while the other couple doesn’t manage to find the time or space to play. Which means they never get a break from the stress and disconnection, which in turn wears them down.  For that reason alone, it’s even more essential to find times and ways to play when you’re stressed.  Check our blog post for a long list of practical simple ideas for having fun and relaxing: https://loveworkssolution.com/blog/having-fun-in-relationship About LoveWorks: The LoveWorks Solution is a practical and positive approach to marriage, relationship, intimacy, communication, and dating.  LoveWorks offers private coaching and relationship counseling to couples and singles, from anywhere in the world; as well as online and live workshops for couples and singles.  The LoveWorks Solution has saved marriages and helped singles find love, plus helped thousands of couples and singles deal with complex problems that arise in relationships, such as communication breakdowns, trust in relationships, insecurities in relationship, toxic relationship, emotionally unavailable men or women, deepening intimacy, finding the right partner, dating, and many, many more.  LoveWorks is founded by Sonika Tinker, MSW & Christian Pedersen, CLC, who have 35+ years of experience coaching and educating about relationships. They designed The LoveWorks Solution to be practical, applicable, fun and light-hearted, demonstrating that deep relationship work can be done in a positive way while having a good time.  * Connect on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Loveworkssolution * Get free relationship tips and advice on on topics such as toxic relationships, building trust in a relationship, creating intimacy in a relationship, how to deal with an emotionally unavailable partner, and many more on https://loveworkssolution.com/

What do you do if you’re getting married but at the same time scared to get married?    I remember we once coached a young couple who came to us 4-5 months prior to their already scheduled wedding. They came to us because she in particular was getting very cold feet about getting married. They both still had questions they felt weren’t answered and issues they were worried about getting worse if they did go through with the marriage.    If that’s you, here’s the first thing we’d tell you: Don’t feel bad if you’re feeling scared or having concerns. Getting married is a big deal, so don’t make up that there’s something wrong with you, your spouse-to-be or your relationship.    In fact, having “second thoughts”, i.e. some form of fear or concerns can lead to important discoveries that can end up improving your upcoming marriage (or in some cases, stopping you from getting married to a partner who’s not the best match for you).    So for starters, examine what exactly you’re scared of or concerned about. Is it about …     - Marriage itself (the whole idea of marriage)?  - Hesitation about your partner or your partner’s personality?  - Unspoken concerns about your partner’s behaviors - Concerns about breakdown’s you’ve had in the past, or unresolved issues?  - Or something else?    Whatever your specific concerns are, you want to take a look at those.    Commitment is great and admirable, but it’s also worth listening to your fears and hesitations before you commit. To this day, Sonika & I have an operating agreement that we don’t move forward with any significant changes in our lives before we’re both on the same page about it. Getting married definitely falls into the category of “significant changes”, so take the time to examine this.    Another perspective on commitment is that you’re not just committing to your future spouse, but to yourself and your own ability to deal with what comes up. You’re in effect saying to yourself, “I trust that I and we will be able to handle any conflict and difficulty that shows up on in our relationship and our life”.   If for some reason, you’re not ready to make that commitment, you want to know why.    To get more specific, ask yourself this question:    “What would I need to see change - with my partner, myself and/or our relationship - for me to enthusiastically say YES to marriage?”   For example, some of the couples we’ve coached answered this question like this …    - I need us to work out our financial agreements and how we deal with money - We need to figure out how to deal with conflicts - I need to speak up about my partner’s withdrawal  - We love each other, but our sex life isn’t working well … we need to talk about that    Each of your answers to this question will be an item on your to-look-at-list. Once you have that list, reach out to us for coaching, or use a friend or trusted mentor if you need more help. Whatever you do, don’t just ignore your concerns and blow right past them.   Having fears and concerns about getting married is just like any other fear or concern that will show up in your marriage? As a couple, how would you like to see you deal with conflicts, fears, and concerns? Do you want you to ignore them and not say anything? Or do you want to have a relationship where you can safely share your concerns and help each other find solutions and peace of mind?    I’m guessing the latter. And that process starts right now, not after your tie the knot.   PS. If what you need to work includes making apologies for past breakdowns, check out our mini-workshop for couples, How To Make An Apology That Works: https://loveworkssolution.com/how-to-make-an-apology-that-works   

What do you do when your wife or husband tells you they want a divorce?    Given that divorce rates in the US are still between 40-50 % for first marriages, and higher still for  second and third ones, If we get married at any point in our lives, there’s pretty much a 50-50 chance we’ll hear those words from our spouse.  Perhaps you’ve seen it coming.   Perhaps you’ve seen and experienced the telltale signs of a marriage breaking down for years, such as arguing, criticism, contempt, silent treatment, lack of intimacy, declining frequency of sex, or the feeling of being room mates who go about your day-to-day business efficiently but without the depth and romance of lovers.    On the other hand, you might not have seen it coming at all, and when your wife or husband told you they want a divorce, it hit you like a knife in the heart and you could scarcely believe your own ears.    Either way, it’s a painful place to be and what you and your partner choose to do with that situation will have long-lasting consequences that will impact both of you and any children you have.    In this episode, we’re not trying to cover every aspect of impending divorce. It’s a process that requires careful attention and competent guidance. We do want to share some useful insight and tips that will hopefully help you as you move forward.    When your spouse says the D-word, you can’t yet know where the process is going to end. It’s natural that you’ll be very eager, even desperate, to answer all the associated questions such as, are we going to divorce or make it; how are we going to tell the kids; where are the kids going to live and go to school; who gets the house; how am I going to deal with finances; what about the retirement accounts, and many more.    If you were surprised by your wife or husband  declaring they want a divorce, remember that they have a long time to think and process before saying something to you. It’s as if they have a month or year-long head start over you in the process. So it’s natural and totally understandable if you too are going to need some time to process the news.    Listen to she 7-minute episode for the rest of the tips (or watch the video version here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SZO4VuhREvc   One of the central tips in this video is to offer/share apologies with your wife or partner. Saying "I'm sorry" is never sufficient, sometimes even worse than nothing.    To learn a complete 6-step apology, visit our virtual mini-workshop for couples, How To Make An Apology That Works, here: https://loveworkssolution.com/how-to-make-an-apology-that-works   

One of the questions we often hear from singles is “How do I say no to a second date?” You might have been there. You’ve been on a first date with someone. Maybe it was nice enough, maybe not. The person you were dating really wants a second date, but you’re not so sure about that. Or maybe you’re absolutely sure you DON’T want a second date, you’re just sure how to say it. What’s nice about you asking How to say no to a second date, is that it demonstrates that you care. You probably know that lots of people don’t care about that at all and just move right along or ghost their partner. Perhaps you’ve been on the receiving end of that? So good for you for caring enough to ask this question. We always figure it’s worth acting towards your dates as you would like your dates to act towards you, and that goes whether or not you want to see that person again. In our work, we consider even a coffee date a relationship, albeit a very short one. Even a short relationship is an opportunity for you to show up as the kind of person you would like to be in relationship. Every date, every relationship, brief or long lasting, is practice for your next relationship. I still remember the first time I used what we’re about to suggest to you. I’d been on a date with a nice woman, but afterwards I did not want to go on a second date. The truth was I was interested in someone else, and I didn’t want to be dating two people at the same time. So I called her up (this was before messaging and dating apps, we actually met in a bar). I was nervous and expecting a triggered reaction, but she surprised me by thanking me for calling her and telling her this. She said no one had ever done that before. I, in turn, was grateful for her kind response to my phone call. We had a nice chat and that was that. We both left feeling good. Best of all, I felt free and clear to pursue the date I was interested in. So here’s what we recommend you say when you want to say no to a second date. You can of course modify as you please but try it out. You start with an appreciation, then you say that you’re not inspired to set up another date, but you’ll let him or her know if that changes. For example, what I said on the phone was, “Thanks for a really nice time, I enjoyed getting to meet you. I’m not inspired to set up more dates for now” If you like, you can add, “but I’ll absolutely let you know if that changes”. There was more small talk around the edges, but this is the essence of it. Appreciate and acknowledge the other person and/or their good intent, then say no thanks. Simple, direct, and kind. Try it out and see how it goes.   If you'd like an opportunity to connect with other conscious singles, you might like our 75-minute mini-workshop, Singles Connecting in Corona Times. We set up a safe, facilitated space for you get to connect with other singles in a fun and meaningful way. Learn more here: https://loveworkssolution.com/singles-connecting-in-corona-times

How do you get anger in a relationship under control? That's a very big topic. In this short episode, we’re giving you a few important pieces of background about anger plus one simple tip to use when you or your partner get angry. If anger turns to abuse or violence, get help immediately. Relationships don’t get angry, people do. But relationships suffer from the impacts of people’s anger. Simmering anger, yelling, cursing, muttering under the breath … over time this creates an environment of fear and distrust. I can still remember the feeling I had a kid when my dad was angry. Even if he was outside, and I was inside, I still could feel it, afraid of what might happen if it got worse. Sometimes anger seems to stem from a direct source, FX you got angry because your partner called you a derogatory name, or I get angry because my body breaks down so I can’t do what I want to do. Sometimes anger is a habitual response to any form of discomfort. FX, you might notice, as has been true about me, that you get angry when you feel scared, sad, hurt or insecure. I’ve talked to a lot of men who, like me, have learned that anger is a more acceptable feeling to display than sadness or fear or insecurity, so without thinking we overlay these other feelings with anger. To those around a person like that, it simply seems to them that he angry all the time, because his habitual response to any sort of discomfort or uncertainty is anger. Whatever the apparent source of anger, it can almost always be boiled down to one simple thing: A person gets angry when there’s something they want that they’re not getting, or that they think they can’t get. An angry person is almost always thinking, consciously or unconsciously, to themselves, “I’m not gonna get what I want … I never get what I want”. Think about it … Listen to the whole episode to get the rest (or watch the video version here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vGVpbe52df0)   Of course, anger and hurt in relationship are to be expected. That’s why we designed a 90-minute mini-workshop for couples to address that very topic. It’s called How To Stay In Love, Even When You Get Hurt Or Angry. In this workshop, you’ll experience and learn … Deep connection with your partner Insight into what has you feel love, loving, loved Ideas for how to recreate that in-love feeling A powerful process for finding love in anger Concrete practices for how to stay in love It’s designed for you to be able to do in one morning and then get on with your day. Learn more here: https://loveworkssolution.com/how-to-stay-in-love/

During my years of relationship coaching, I can’t tell you how many men have said something like this to me: “If only I had a bullet point list of what do do to make her happy”.   In this 4-minute videos, I’ll give you just that, a bullet list with 6 points for what to do to make your wife or partner happy. Of course, you have to actually DO it to ever find out if it works, and not just once, but as an ongoing practice of relating.   With no further ado, we’re jumping right in.   #1 Engage in the relationship.   We men have a tendency to think that once we’ve gotten into a relationship, or once we’ve gotten married, we’re done. In the back our minds, we say, “Mission accomplished” to ourselves and give our attention to the next accomplishment. Nothing could be further from the truth, and the attitude of “I’m done” is responsible for countless love stories turning from sizzling hot to lukewarm to ice cold.   When there’s a kerfuffle, a conflicts, or some sort of tension and upset, don’t back away or shut down. Instead, engage. Step in, even though your natural instinct might very well be to get the heck out of there. Engage and participate actively, both in the fun and sexy parts of the relationship, as well as the tedious or tense ones.   #2 Connect. Talk. Share.   One simple way to accomplish “connection” is to talk. Share about yourself, your day, how you feel, what you dream of, and what you’re afraid of. When she asks you how your day was or how you’re doing, answer in more than one word. To this day, I still sometimes have to remind myself of this, because it is so ingrained in me to just say, “Fine. Great. I’m good”, or another one-or-two syllable response.   It’s not that I’m trying to withhold information, it’s just that to my practical brain, “Fine” is a satisfying answer to “How are you doing?”   But it does not produce a sense of connection for my wife. Connection is produced by the back-and-forth passing of something, in this case words. it’s like going out to throw a baseball with a friend. Imagine you throw it to your friend, he catches it, and then just keeps the ball. Boring game, right? To have a game, you have to keep throwing the ball between you. Same with connection and conversation with your wife.    #3 Listen. Without taking stuff personally. Listen to the whole episode (approx. 4 minutes) to get the rest of the tips (or watch the video version here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XYzlAjRjIsQ)   And if you want to make her REALLY happy, take a small initiative that pertains directly to your relationship (per #1: Engage in the relationship). Invite her to join you for our upcoming 90-minute mini-workshop, How To Stay In Love. It’s super easy, you do it from your couch or kitchen table. Takes the same time as a standard movie, so you still have your whole weekend. Some of what you will learn and experience: Deep connection with your partner Insight into what has you feel love, loving, loved Ideas for how to recreate that in-love feeling A powerful process for finding love in anger Concrete practices for how to stay in love https://loveworkssolution.com/how-to-stay-in-love/

How to make your husband happy ... in 4 simple steps you can listen to in 3 minutes! How often do spouses wonder how to make their partner happy? Do you ever wonder how to make your husband happy? Does it sometimes seem that what you’re doing must not be working, because he doesn’t seem all that happy? (Next week, we’ll publish a post about making your wife happy) Making your husband happy is one of those instances that often seem difficult, but at its essence is quite simple. I’ll give you a brief 4-point list for how to make him happy. Don’t take my word for; try it out and see what happens. I use all four as a permanent part of my marriage and I have a very happy husband (editor’s note: Christian here, she’s telling the truth:-) Without further ado, here we go: #1 Tell him he's a good man! I have seen countless men burst into tears when they finally get to hear this from their  wife/partner. Men are working so hard to make us happy and to do the right thing, so when they get to hear “You’re a good man”, it touches them deeply. #2 Give him points for effort. Giving points for effort means to appreciate him for what he does do, instead of pointing out all the things he doesn’t do. It means to give appreciation even when he makes a gesture that doesn’t turn out the way you wanted it to. Give appreciation for trying. Many men have a strong internal critic, so whenever they hear even a tiny bit of criticism from you, it’s as if it invalidates everything they did do, and they end up feeling inadequate and unappreciated. The more you appreciate your husband for what he does do, the more it inspired him to want to do more, give more, because men are motivated by the reward of appreciation and the result of you being happy. Appreciation is more effective than criticism, only 100% of the time! #3 Respect his choices How often does your husband do something you simply don’t get? Where you might be shaking your head? It’s crucial to realize that everything he does makes sense from his point of view. There is a reason for everything he does, even if you don’t understand or approve of that reason. At the very least, when he make a choice you don’t understand, get curious about his motivations, ask him about it instead of condemning it. #4 Share your physical affection and appreciation When we lead our sex workshops, one of things that surprises and touches me every time is how poetic, loving and spiritual men become when they talk about what sex and physical affection gives them. In stark contrast to the stereotype that men only want sex to “get off” or that they just want you for your body, they will describe how profoundly it touches and resets them when they get to share sex and touch with you. So when we say yes to sex and touch, it fills them up in ways we might never understand. Plus, it feels good to us when we make love too; to get in our bodies and enjoy our sensual connection. Of course, this doesn’t mean you are somehow obligated, but say yes whenever you can. I do, and I appreciate it every time I do. That’s it for now … if you take on these 4 simple steps you will definitely see results in terms of a happier husband. Let me know how it goes for you.

If you have the experience that your husband/BF/partner doesn’t value you, you probably feel hurt, angry, sad, or all of them in combination. Feeling unvalued impacts your own self esteem and spills over into the quality of your entire relationship, and you might be questioning yourself, the future of your relationship, and whether there’s something wrong with your partner, your relationship, or yourself. Feeling unvalued by your partner can show up in a myriad of ways. Perhaps he … Doesn’t listen to you Doesn’t tell the truth Doesn’t prioritize you Gives you the silent treatment Withdraws Offers little or no connection and communication Gives romantic or sexual attention to other people Belittles you, uses demeaning comments Doesn’t spend time with you and/or your family Speaks poorly of you in public Ignores or doesn’t honor your boundaries Doesn’t include your opinions and concerns Offers little or no appreciation, affection, or loving gestures. And that’s not an exhaustive list. If this describes you and how you feel about your partner, what can you do? Our first tendency when we’re not getting what we want in relationship, is to get the other person to change their behavior. In this case, you might find yourself criticizing and nagging at him way more than you like, in an attempt to get the message across that you want something to change. When we’re unhappy with our partners, we often come at them with lists of rules for how they should behave. Whereas it’s perfectly understandable that you want his behavior to change, this approach will not give you what you want. Even if you’re 100% right about your complaints and all your friends agree with you. If that approach worked, all we needed to do to have perfect partners was to tell them exactly what they’re doing wrong and how they should behave, and we’d be done. Listen to the full episode (or watch the video version here: https://youtu.be/-EOXgPZmAu0)    Check out our newest virtual mini-workshop, How To Stay In Love:  We love to feel in love. But anger and hurt can take us out of love. How do we stay in love? What keeps us in that in love state? How can we get back to love when angry?  In this mini-workshop, uncover what produces that “in-love” feeling, and discover how to get back to love when hurt or angry. Some of what you will learn and experience: Deep connection with your partner Insight into what has you feel love, loving, loved Ideas for how to recreate that in-love feeling A powerful process for finding love in anger Concrete practices for how to stay in love More info and register here: https://loveworksforyou.com/how-to-stay-in-love/    

10 Signs of a Toxic Relationship Have you ever found yourself in the kind of relationship where you’re asking, “Am I in a toxic relationship?” or “Is this relationship really good for me?” Toxic relationships are often complicated by being combined with a powerful attraction. We've had clients who one day are desperate to get out of an abusive situation, but the next day can't wait to get back to their partner. It becomes like an addictive behavior where the "drug" of choice is the strong love/attraction you also feel. Dr. Lilian Glass said back in 1995 that a toxic relationship is “any relationship [between people who] don’t support each other, where there’s conflict and one seeks to undermine the other, where there’s competition, where there’s disrespect and a lack of cohesiveness.” There are other definitions of toxic relationships, but the most important thing is that you can recognize if your relationship is one that’s not healthy for you, and then to empower you to do something about it. We’ll offer 10 signs of a toxic relationship, plus some actions you can take to change your dynamic if you are in a relationship like this. Mind you, you don’t have to be in a relationship that can be classified as “toxic” in order for you to want to make serious changes. Whenever you feel unhappy, lonely, scared, or bored in your relationship, it’s worth getting some education and support. #1 Physical abuse, pain, or violence This one doesn’t have a lot of wiggle room. If you’re experiencing physical violence, pain, or abuse in any shape or form, it’s a toxic situation, and you should get out. Or at the very least get help. No one deserves to be physically harmed in their relationship, period. #2 Name calling, belittling, demeaning Do you feel like an “emotional punching bag” in your relationship? Are you being put down, belittled, constantly criticized? Which leads directly into #3 … #3 Public humiliation, spreading of negative gossip about you #2 above pertains to your private relationship and communication. #3 is outward-facing behavior. Does your partner humility you in front of friends or family? Spreads negative stories about you behind your back? Listen to the episode to hear the rest of the signs of a toxic relationship (or watch the video version here: https://youtu.be/wo6o9mmS-R8)    About LoveWorks: The LoveWorks Solution is a practical and positive approach to marriage, relationship, intimacy, communication, and dating. LoveWorks offers private coaching and relationship counseling to couples and singles, from anywhere in the world; as well as online and live workshops for couples and singles. The LoveWorks Solution has saved marriages and helped singles find love, plus helped thousands of couples and singles deal with complex problems that arise in relationships, such as communication breakdowns, trust in relationships, insecurities in relationship, toxic relationship, emotionally unavailable men or women, deepening intimacy, finding the right partner, dating, and many, many more. LoveWorks is founded by Sonika Tinker, MSW & Christian Pedersen, CLC, who have 35+ years of experience coaching and educating about relationships. They designed The LoveWorks Solution to be practical, applicable, fun and light-hearted, demonstrating that deep relationship work can be done in a positive way while having a good time. * Connect on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Loveworkssolution * Get the free E-book, How To Save My Marriage (and many more free resources for your relationship), here: https://loveworksforyou.com/

If you have the experience that your husband/BF/partner doesn’t value you, you probably feel hurt, angry, sad, or all of them in combination. Feeling unvalued impacts your own self esteem and spills over into the quality of your entire relationship, and you might be questioning yourself, the future of your relationship, and whether there’s something wrong with your partner, your relationship, or yourself. Feeling unvalued by your partner can show up in a myriad of ways. Perhaps he … Doesn’t listen to you Doesn’t tell the truth Doesn’t prioritize you Gives you the silent treatment Withdraws Offers little or no connection and communication Gives romantic or sexual attention to other people Belittles you, uses demeaning comments Doesn’t spend time with you and/or your family Speaks poorly of you in public Ignores or doesn’t honor your boundaries Doesn’t include your opinions and concerns Offers little or no appreciation, affection, or loving gestures.   And that’s not an exhaustive list. If this describes you and how you feel about your partner, what can you do? Our first tendency when we’re not getting what we want in relationship, is to get the other person to change their behavior. In this case, you might find yourself criticizing and nagging at him way more than you like, in an attempt to get the message across that you want something to change. When we’re unhappy with our partners, we often come at them with lists of rules for how they should behave. Whereas it’s perfectly understandable that you want his behavior to change, this approach will not give you what you want. Even if you’re 100% right about your complaints and all your friends agree with you. If that approach worked, all we needed to do to have perfect partners was to tell them exactly what they’re doing wrong and how they should behave, and we’d be done. Listen to the full episode to get more background and the rest of the tips. (or watch the video version here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1wR_rlDudeY)    About LoveWorks: The LoveWorks Solution is a practical and positive approach to marriage, relationship, intimacy, communication, and dating. LoveWorks offers private coaching and relationship counseling to couples and singles, from anywhere in the world; as well as online and live workshops for couples and singles. The LoveWorks Solution has saved marriages and helped singles find love, plus helped thousands of couples and singles deal with complex problems that arise in relationships, such as communication breakdowns, trust in relationships, insecurities in relationship, toxic relationship, emotionally unavailable men or women, deepening intimacy, finding the right partner, dating, and many, many more. LoveWorks is founded by Sonika Tinker, MSW & Christian Pedersen, CLC, who have 35+ years of experience coaching and educating about relationships. They designed The LoveWorks Solution to be practical, applicable, fun and light-hearted, demonstrating that deep relationship work can be done in a positive way while having a good time. * Connect on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Loveworkssolution * Get the free E-book, How To Save My Marriage (and many more free resources for your relationship), here: https://loveworksforyou.com/

My wife doesn't respect me! What I am going to do about that? This is a refrain we often hear from husbands. Obviously, we would all hope that our partners would treat us with kindness and respect, but sometimes that’s not the dynamic we have established. If we were talking directly to your wife, we’d be giving her her own coaching, but assuming we’re talking to you, the husband, we’ll focus on what you have some control over, namely your own behavior and how you communicate with her. Not being respected can show up for you in a myriad of different ways. You might experience that she … - Belittles you - Emasculates you - Puts you down - Nags - Criticizes - Withholds affection, touch, love, sex - Doesn’t appreciate you - Doesn’t acknowledge the things you do do - Questions your choices - Doesn’t trust you - Talks down about you to other people - Tries to control or micro-manage you Or perhaps it’s something else for you? When you have the experience that your wife doesn't respect you, there's her responsibility in that situation, and there’s your responsibility. It’s not all on her, nor is it all on you. It’s a co-created dynamic. When we coach couples, we help each person take their share of ownership. As mentioned above, we’ll focus on what you can do to change this dynamic and in effect encourage her to respect and appreciate you more. For starters, look at what she’s judging you for. What is she criticizing you for? Then, take an honest look at yourself and ask, What’s the grain of truth in what she’s saying about me? Notice, we say “a grain of truth”, i.e. it’s not the full story about you. Next thing to focus on … Listen to the episode to get all the tips.

Is he the one? Is she the one? When you’re a single person, that’s a really big, important question. As it turns out, sometimes it’s too big. I still remember from all my single years how much that question was on my mind, even haunted me. The search to find “The One” is exhilarating and full of so much hope. But sometimes, like for me, the “quest” also caused a good deal of anxiety and when I went dating, I did that thing so many singles have tried on dates: Meeting someone and instantly passing judgment as the whether the person in front of me was “The One” or not (they never were). I kinda wish someone had shown me this podcast back then. In this episode, we’ll offer you important tips for what to pay attention to in order to answer that question, Is he/she the one? The first thing to do to make your own journey more enjoyable is to make it ok that the “big question” just sits there, unanswered, for a while. No one can put a timeline on finding the love of your love, and if you add a deadline of your own, you’re likely to also add a bunch of stress and pressure. So see if you can relax into the uncertainty. Tell yourself it might take a while, and that’s ok, because you’re going to have a good time as you go. For Sonika & I, it took over two years before we could answer the question, before we knew for sure we wanted to commit and be together. We couldn’t have done it any faster, and during that process, we paid attention to all the factors we’re sharing with you below. Second and equally important, throw out the whole notion of “The One”. We know that might sound like odd and contrary advice, but think about it. The idea that among 8 billion people there is one and only one person for you is just not very likely. Instead of looking for “The One”, look for someone who’s a great fit for you, someone you can make a wonderful relationship with. Thinking there is only one just puts more pressure on yourself to find a needle in a global haystack. Some of what we recommend you pay attention to (listen to the episode for full details): * Attraction and chemistry * Are you attracted to them emotionally? * Do you feel intellectually stimulated? * Trust. Do you feel you can trust this person? * Personal growth. Is this someone who is committed to growing? * Do you feel free to express yourself? * Can you handle and resolve conflicts? * How about their quirks and issues. * What are their other relationships like? * Do you feel safe? Do you feel comfortable? Do you feel trusting? Do you have that sense of being "home"? * Notice if you frequently have the sense that something is not “quite right"? * Practice telling the truth Use all your dating experiences as an opportunity to practice being in relationship, practice showing up as the best version of yourself, as the kind of person you would like to one day find!  During Corona times, we are providing a safe, fun, facilitated space for singles to connect with other singles. Check out our next upcoming Singles Connecting in Corona Times, 75-min free mini-workshop here: https://loveworksforyou.com/singles-connecting-in-corona-times     

How Personal Stress Affects Our Relationship.  It’s no surprise that personal stress spills over into our relationships, and to all other aspects of our lives. Stress tends to be contagious, too, so that one partner’s stress “transfers” to the other partner and sometimes kids. Even in the best of circumstances, there’s a lot of stuff one can be stressed about. Just making a living, minding a job or business, raising a family and dealing with the myriad responsibilities of modern life can raise anyone’s blood pressure. Personal stress can show up in many ways and have many side effects. Here are some of them … One or both partners withdraws We disappear into ourselves We quit communicating One person shuts out the other We become alienated and disconnected from each other We might become less affectionate, distracted, superficial We obsess about the things that stress us We get more sensitive and take things more personally Negative behaviors become more visible We’re less able to stop ourselves from reacting We get more irritable, hostile which leads to more fighting We have shorter fuses We tend to vent, we got less filters, we say stupid stuff that creates more problems We get depleted, tired, fatigued. We can’t think as clearly, we make more mistakes And there are probably more (we didn’t even mention the physical health consequences of stress, which are legion!) So what can we do about this? We share 5 tips, including lots of practical ideas.  If you want and additional opportunity to de-stress and work together, check out the 90-min. mini-workshop for couples to deal with stress and disagreements, How To Be More Understanding During Disagreements. In this workshop-from-your-couch, we help you: * Find understanding * Relieve tension and stress * Discover common ground between each other * Get on the same page * Learn techniques to de-escalate during conflict * Get back to connection Register here: https://loveworksforyou.com/how-to-be-more-understanding-during-disagreements  We have helped thousands of couples navigate crisis and stressful times, and we'd be honored to help you, too.    

When you have the experience of your partner being emotionally unavailable, you're probably feeling that you're not being "met", that you're not being heard, that you can't get your messages across, or that he/she is always trying to fix you when you try to share something. You might find your partner aloof, stonewalling, or defensive. Or any combination of these. It's natural that you want to be more connected, more in communion, with your partner. It’s important to understand that there are inherent differences between men and women, between personality types, and between … just people! We all have a different way of feeling, accessing and expressing our emotions. For instance, we worked with a couple where the woman was vivacious, talkative, charismatic, and the man was stoic, unmoving, and only talked sparingly. She loved asking him questions, and he hated being asked questions. It’s easy to assume that she’s emotionally available and he’s not. But it’s not that simple. When we took the time to create the right space, he too shared profound insights and emotions. Some people cry at movies, some don’t, but remember “emotionally unavailable" doesn't (necessarily) mean they don't feel or have emotions. If you have the experience of someone being emotionally unavailable, and they feel judged by you, all that’s going to produce is have them clam up even more. For starters, what you can do is accept differences and get curious about what those differences might be. Ask questions in a mood of curiosity. Ask you partner, “What happens for you when you watch that movie?” or “What happens for you when so-and-so happens in our family …?” Some people have much quicker access to how they feel. Like Sonika and me, for instance. it seems to me she’s always in touch with how she feels at any given moment, but I often have to stop and “think” about how I feel; I have to tune in in order to know how I feel. From her point of view, it might seem as if I’m not feeling anything, but I just need time to access my feelings. A great tip is when you ask a question, let the person explore for a little bit, give them some time. On the flip side, if you're the "unavailable" one, add a little more detail than you normally would. Instead of just answering, “Great!” when she asks how my day was, I can elaborate a bit and add, “I did have an interesting experience with John at work …”. This breeds emotional connection. Ask yourself, if there isn't a lot of talking, do you assume it's disconnection? Another way to think about this, is to join your partner in the silence, and to enjoy the connection inside silence. That’s a different kind of emotional availability, beyond words. When you’re with an emotionally unavailable partner, it’s easy to have all of your attention is on what your partner is not doing, what they’re not saying. You try to get your partner to be more vulnerable and available. Instead, try turning it around and ask yourself, How can I be more vulnerable? How can I be more emotionally available? Because often, when you’re busy trying to get your partner to be more available and in touch with their feelings, you’re not in touch with yours. When you can get more in touch with your own emotions, and share that with your partner from an open, vulnerable place, you invite your partner into your world, which invites your partner to share more deeply. Granted, there are different degrees of emotional unavailability. Most often, the tools and tips we’re sharing here can help, but if your partner (or you) are completely stonewalling, refusing to engage, you might need a different level of intervention. You can reach out to us for private coaching or talk to a local coach/therapist. In relationship, we have a tendency to talk more “about” our problems, or “about” our emotions, but the more we talk “about” it, the further we get away from the connection we’re longing for. Instead of talking "about", turn it around to explore what am I feeling? How can I be more vulnerable here? How can I be more curious about you? That creates a space for us to "drop in" to, a place of connection and feeling, the place we’re wanting in the first place. Finally, look for any place where your partner does reach out, where they do share, and where they do connect. Then, once you see those places, appreciate your partner for it. Thank them for where they DO connect with you. That way, you find some small pieces of what you want, and you make them bigger. If you want to improve you and your partner's emotional connection, here’s a great opportunity to practice: We created a 90-min mini-workshop for couples to deal with stress and disagreements, How To Be More Understanding During Disagreements. In this workshop-from-your-couch, we are going to help you: * Find understanding * Relieve tension and stress * Discover common ground between each other * Get on the same page * Learn techniques to de-escalate during conflict * Get back to connection Register here: https://loveworksforyou.com/how-to-be-more-understanding-during-disagreements  We have helped thousands of couples navigate crisis and stressful times, and we'd be honored to help you, too.

How To Communicate About Relationship Issues. The most common issue couples present to us is Communication (or lack thereof). It is one thing to communicate about logistics and practicalities such as who goes shopping, who makes food, who picks up the kids, and when. It's quite another to try and communicate about touchy issues, such as our different preferences or personalities. In this episode, we share 4 tools to improve your communication. All too often, our first communication is about what our partner is doing that we don't like or find irritating. Basically our default, go-to strategy when we want something to change in our partner's behavior, is we tell them about it. We point it out to them, so hopefully they'll get the message and change. The problem with this strategy is it always ends up sounding like complaining and criticizing to our partner, who then get's defensive, silent, or complains right back. #1 Shift your complaints to requests When I say to my partner, "You're not listening to me!" or, "You don't respect me", I'm hoping it will result in her changing to now listen to me and respect me. But when someone tells you, ""You don't listen to me!", do you want to listen more or less? Yeah, less. And you might want to add, "I do listen" (defensive), or "You're not exactly the best listener yourself!" (complaining back). It is much more useful to go directly for what you want, bypassing the complaint altogether. So you shift your complaint to a direct request instead: > Would you be willing to listen to me for five minutes? > Would you be willing to tell me something you respect about me? Go directly what is wanted, namely listening and a sense of respect.   #2 Express appreciations to your partner every day It has been shown that the more appreciations and the less complaining we have, the better our chances of keeping our relationship strong and stay together. Plus, appreciations are to humans what water and sun are to plants. We need it to not wither inside. Appreciation is the perfect antidote to complaining because in order for me to appreciate something about my partner, I have to shift my attention onto something I like, something I love, something that IS working in my relationship. Find something your partner did today, or some quality about them that you like, and say it out loud. "Thanks for making breakfast today" "Thanks for doing the shopping, that was really nice" "Thanks for being so responsible with our kids" "I love how you make people laugh" Anything will. We've kept up a routine for over ten years now. Before we go to sleep, we share at least three appreciations of the other person. Try it out!    #3 Talk about your own experience You've probably heard the recommendation to speak in I-statements. It's much easier for your partner to hear you saying, "I feel scared when we argue" as opposed to "You're always arguing with me!". Sharing your own experience makes communication a lot safer. We call it the "un-arguable truth". No one can argue that I feel scared. But you can - and probably will - argue if I say, "All your yelling is making me scared!".   #4 Expand to include This is a central notion in the LoveWorks Solution. I expand my understanding and mindset to be big enough to include yours. In disagreements, we often think only one of us is right, can be right, but in truth, it’s possible that we’re both right. Expand to include the differences in opinions and styles. If I love cilantro and you hate it (that's Sonika and me:-), there's no point in me arguing that you should love it too. Instead, I expand to include your point of view. If you want to improve your ability to get on the same page, here’s a great opportunity to practice: We created a 90-min mini-workshop for couples to deal with stress and disagreements, How To Be More Understanding During Disagreements. In this workshop-from-your-couch, we are going to help you: * Find understanding * Relieve tension and stress * Discover common ground between each other * Get on the same page * Learn techniques to de-escalate during conflict * Get back to connection Register here: https://loveworksforyou.com/how-to-be-more-understanding-during-disagreements  We have helped thousands of couples navigate crisis and stressful times, and we'd be honored to help you, too.

Can You Rebuild Trust In A Relationship? When trust is broken in a relationship, it can cause a lot of harm. If trust is broken repeatedly over time, sometimes years, it becomes very difficult to repair and stay together. Whether trust can be rebuilt depends on the situation, and the way in which trust was broken. If you are willing to ... Own what happened and take responsibility Learn from it Change behaviors Apologize Making new commitments backed by action. Then you have very good chances of repairing trust and healing, even growing, from what happened (and if not, it becomes very difficult to repair trust and stay together). In order to rebuild trust in a relationship, some important steps to take are ... Get really specific about where trust was broken. It's a different situation if your partner showed up 5 minutes late to an appointment or emptied your retirement account and ran off with a lover. Both could be characterized as "broken trust", but obviously not the same. Instead of stating a general, "I don't trust you!", get specific. Is it that you don't trust your partner to be with the kids? Or to shop for the right ingredients for dinner? Or to be faithful? Getting specific makes it easier to repair trust, and it also makes it easier for the person who broke the trust to do something about it. For the person who broke the trust, the first "something" to do is to go through a complete apologies process. Just saying, "I'm sorry" just doesn't get the job done. A complete apologies process involves steps such as ownership of the behavior, demonstrating to your partner that you understand the impact of your actions, making amends to repair the damage, making new promises, and of course, keeping said promises. If trust has been broken repeatedly over time, or the breach was severe, repairing trust is process over and extended period of time, not a one-time apologies process. It takes many new promises that are repeatedly and reliable backed by action to heal from breaches of trust. It takes the ability to clean up when you fall short of your promises. In the process of repairing trust, make sure you acknowledge and speak out loud your appreciations for the efforts and progress made. If my partner had been lying to me, but now I see real demonstration of him or her being truthful, I make sure to say, "Thank you so much for telling me that, I really appreciate it". Repairing trust takes willingness from both parties. Even if your partner was the one to break trust, it also takes willingness from you to learn and grow from what happened, and willingness to let go of what happened (with proper apologies and new actions from your partner). Final word, breaches of trust, betrayals, affairs, lying, etc. are difficult to deal with in a relationship. It brings up all manner of feelings and the hurt can run really deep. So get help! The faster the better. Call coaches like us, use a local therapist or a trusted friend. But don't just stew with it on your own, that doesn't help anyone. One of the ways you can support your relationship to have strong trust, is by having solid communication skills. And one of the best ways to do that is to enhance your understanding when there's something you disagree on.  We created a 90-min mini-workshop for couples to deal with stress and disagreements, How To Be More Understanding During Disagreements. In this workshop-from-your-couch, we are going to help you: * Find understanding * Relieve tension and stress * Discover common ground between each other * Get on the same page * Learn techniques to de-escalate during conflict * Get back to connection Register here: https://loveworksforyou.com/how-to-be-more-understanding-during-disagreements  We have helped thousands of couples navigate crisis and stressful times, and we'd be honored to help you, too.  

A lot of couples are in VERY close quarters during Coronavirus (Covid-19) times. Whereas during "normal" times couples need to carve out time together, during shelter-in-place it's a bigger challenge getting time apart. Actually, that's our first tip for keeping your intimacy alive while in such close quarters. Relationships need to "breathe", that is to have time together and time apart, time together and time apart. We need both. It's a common recipe for resentment when we use our spouse as our only social and physical "fueling station". It puts too much pressure on our partner and on the relationship. There are many ways to take time and space for yourself in ways that nourish and replenish you. #1 Take time and space for yourself Take a walk on your own Hang out with your friends online separately Nourish your soul, body, mind by doing sports, exercises, nature walks, meditation, painting, building ... whatever does it for you. #2 Grow, learn, expand, and step outside your comfort zone. It might sound like peculiar advice for keeping your intimacy alive to keep growing and learning. But growing yourself as a person is "hot", it gives you new material to bring into conversations and it keeps you on your toes. You can even ramp it up and use each other as a sort of accountability partner. For example, you might state a commitment to your partner like, "By this Friday, I'll have read chapter 1+2 in my coaching book and completed the homework that goes with it" (this is Sonika's current commitment). Then give progress reports as you go along and talk about what you learned. This keeps your mind fresh, your curiosity open, and helps you avoid the very common trap of stagnation. #3 Carve out time to focus on your relationship Even if you're completely overbooked and corona has given you a boatload of extra responsibilities, it's still essential that you find time to focus on your relationship. If all you can do half an hour a week, great, do that, but do it with focus and gusto. Do things like ... Ask each other Intimacy Questions Do vulnerable heart shares Use Repeated Questions to take you deeper Make eye contact Hold hands while on a walk Chase each other for fun Play games and make each other laugh Make love Take a relationship class To that last point, we have an opportunity for you.  We created a 90-min mini-workshop for couples to deal with stress and disagreements, How To Be More Understanding During Disagreements. In this workshop-from-your-couch, we are going to help you: * Find understanding * Relieve tension and stress * Discover common ground between each other * Get on the same page * Learn techniques to de-escalate during conflict * Get back to connection Register here: https://loveworksforyou.com/how-to-be-more-understanding-during-disagreements We have helped thousands of couples navigate crisis and stressful times, and we'd be honored to help you, too.

How to make marriage fun again! Anyone else feel like "Groundhog Day" in your marriage these days? Other than stuff we find on our screens, there's a whole lot less diversion and adventure while we're waiting out the corona restrictions. As couples, we need to find ways to laugh together. Even under "normal" circumstances life is hard and at times completely absurd, so we need a good dose of humor to make it through. Couples often forget to have fun. Not cuz we don't want to, but because we get sucked into the myriad responsibilities we all have and we often simply get out of the habit of laughing, enjoying life and each other, and just plain old having fun. They say that couples who play together, stay together. Whether that's true or not, it's definitely true that couples who play together ... well, play together! They just have more fun, period. Even in the confines of our houses there are lots of fun options to make your marriage fun again. You can watch this episode as a YouTube video here ... (see a hilarious fail at 01:23). For extra credits ...  We created a brand-new, 90-min virtual mini-workshop for couples, How To Replace Complaints And Criticism With Constructive Communication. Imagine how much more fun you'd have if you could replace criticism with good communication!  In this mini-workshop, we'll help you: * Stop the cycle of complaining * Talk to your partner when you/they get upset * Find compassion in disagreements * Relieve tension and stress * Learn techniques to de-escalate during arguments * Use productive communication tools * Get back to connection Check it out and register here: https://loveworksforyou.com/how-to-replace-complaints-and-criticism-with-constructive-communication 

Date Night Ideas for Married Couples. Date night is always a good idea. With the increased "ground hog day" feeling many of us are having during Coronavirus (Covid-19) times, coming up with date ideas can be a really great romantic break from the humdrum. But we're probably not going out, so we need home based date night ideas. For date nights, we recommend one of you be accountable for the night. That just makes it more likely to happen in the first place. Plus, it might help come up with new ideas if you take turns being "on point" for the night. On the podcast, we share 9 great ideas, with lots of suggestions for each point. There are classics such as Candle light (Zoom) dinner and bubble baths (don't scoff at the classics - they still work:-) but with added twists of intimacy questions and more. Then the ideas turn more sensual such as pleasure sessions. See for yourself. For intimacy questions to ask your partner, download our free ebook here: https://loveworksforyou.com/100-questions   If you want to improve your ability to get on the same page, here’s a great opportunity to practice:   We created a 90-min mini-workshop for couples to deal with stress and disagreements, How To Be More Understanding During Disagreements. In this workshop-from-your-couch, we are going to help you:   * Find understanding * Relieve tension and stress * Discover common ground between each other * Get on the same page * Learn techniques to de-escalate during conflict * Get back to connection   Register here: https://loveworksforyou.com/how-to-be-more-understanding-during-disagreements    About LoveWorks: The LoveWorks Solution is a practical and positive approach to marriage, relationship, intimacy, communication, and dating.   LoveWorks offers private coaching and relationship counseling to couples and singles, from anywhere in the world; as well as online and live workshops for couples and singles.   The LoveWorks Solution has saved marriages and helped singles find love, plus helped thousands of couples and singles deal with complex problems that arise in relationships, such as communication breakdowns, trust in relationships, insecurities in relationship, toxic relationship, emotionally unavailable men or women, deepening intimacy, finding the right partner, dating, and many, many more.   LoveWorks is founded by Sonika Tinker, MSW & Christian Pedersen, CLC, who have 35+ years of combined experience coaching and educating about relationships.   They designed The LoveWorks Solution to be practical, applicable, fun and light-hearted, demonstrating that deep relationship work can be done in a positive way while having a good time.   * Connect on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Loveworkssolution    * Get the free E-book, How To Save My Marriage (and many more free resources for your relationship), here: https://loveworksforyou.com/

And how to communicate with your partner when you disagree.  In relationship, it can be a real challenge to stay on the same team during Coronavirus times. When your partner has a different understanding of how to observe safety precautions than you do, and you both have strong feelings about the matter, you can quickly become adversaries instead of allies. You become two teams of one, instead of one team of the two of you.   Here are some ideas for how you stay on the same team (these are great relationship tools in ALL times).   #1 Give your partner the benefit of the doubt.   No matter how outrageous your partner’s ideas seem to you, we guarantee you he or she is trying to accomplish something positive. Just like you are. In marriage or committed relationship, we operate on the foundation that your needs are as important as mine; not more, but also not less. So in order for me to be happy, I have to not only get my way, but also ensure you get what you want. Otherwise I might get what I want, but I have an unhappy partner.   #2 Expand to include   This is a central notion in the LoveWorks Solution. I expand my understanding and mindset to be big enough to include yours. In disagreements, we often think only one of us is right, can be right, but in truth, it’s possible that we’re both right. Expand to include the idea that your partner has a good idea, as do you. It’s about being a big enough person to hold more than one viewpoint without getting combative.   #3 Speak in "We"   Any argument is pretty much a series of “me vs you” statements. “I want this but you want that”; “I think this but you think that”. That vast majority of times, there’s a lot more overlap to our desires than meets the eye; you just have to be able to see it. Begin to speak more as “We”, instead of only “me or you”. When you “expand to include” more than one viewpoint, you can include each others’ desires and needs into “We” … a powerful way to get yourself on the same team.   #4 Give first, give fast   When relationships break down, in pretty much any form, one or both partners have stoped giving. In the early phase of your relationship, when you were still madly in love, remember how much attention, praise, time, touch, love, hugs, and sex you gave each other? Now think about a stressful time in your relationship - perhaps now? - and see if you are giving less? Probably so. One of the most effective ways to restore love, and to get back to being a team, is to pick up giving. We say whoever gives first, wins. Give first, give fast. Don’t wait for the other person to start.   #5 Explore how to create a win-win   In order to find solutions that work for both of you, you need to slow down the process. If you just plow ahead with your practiced behaviors and patterns, you’ll like just repeat whatever you’ve done in the past. We are firm believers in your ability to come up with win-win solutions. The four tips above are part of the foundation for successful “trouble shooting” and resolution.   If you want to improve your ability to get on the same page, here’s a great opportunity to practice:   We created a 90-min mini-workshop for couples to deal with stress and disagreements, How To Be More Understanding During Disagreements. In this workshop-from-your-couch, we are going to help you:   * Find understanding * Relieve tension and stress * Discover common ground between each other * Get on the same page * Learn techniques to de-escalate during conflict * Get back to connection   Register here: https://loveworksforyou.com/how-to-be-more-understanding-during-disagreements    About LoveWorks: The LoveWorks Solution is a practical and positive approach to marriage, relationship, intimacy, communication, and dating.   LoveWorks offers private coaching and relationship counseling to couples and singles, from anywhere in the world; as well as online and live workshops for couples and singles.   The LoveWorks Solution has saved marriages and helped singles find love, plus helped thousands of couples and singles deal with complex problems that arise in relationships, such as communication breakdowns, trust in relationships, insecurities in relationship, toxic relationship, emotionally unavailable men or women, deepening intimacy, finding the right partner, dating, and many, many more.   LoveWorks is founded by Sonika Tinker, MSW & Christian Pedersen, CLC, who have 35+ years of combined experience coaching and educating about relationships.   They designed The LoveWorks Solution to be practical, applicable, fun and light-hearted, demonstrating that deep relationship work can be done in a positive way while having a good time.   * Connect on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Loveworkssolution    * Get the free E-book, How To Save My Marriage (and many more free resources for your relationship), here: https://loveworksforyou.com/