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The Compassion Parenting Podcast Hosted by Dr. Mary WildeEpisode 6 - Seasons: On Sickness & Health (part 2)I recently saw a social media post that said “Maybe you think someone doesn’t have a lot on their plate compared to you. But maybe their plate is smaller than yours and doesn’t have a lot of room to begin with. Or maybe their plate is paper, and their flimsy paper plate can’t hold as much as your sturdy ceramic plate.” @thehappyslothclub (Jan 18, 2021)   Another mom shared the post and added, “My flimsy paper plate is wet and soggy. HBU?” @lessonsfromtheminivan (Jan 23, 2021)Our capacity for outward things fluctuates day-by-day, partly based on our emotional and physical state and the intensity of the needs around us. In these fluctuations, there’s always room for compassion. Compassion for ourselves and compassion for others. So often we’re carrying more than even we ourselves realize. And doing a pretty amazing job of it too, all things considered.In parenting, one circumstance that can take a major toll is illness. Last week we talked with Micah, who has a son with a chronic health issue. She shared her perspective and suggested ways to effectively support parents in her situation. (Make sure you go back and listen if you didn’t catch it!) In today’s episode you’ll meet Jenny, a single mom with 3 daughters who deals with her own debilitating illness. Jenny suffers from recurrent seizures and hemiplegic migraines. I first met Jenny when I volunteered (along with other women in our church congregation) to help make sure she took her medications on certain days when her daughters weren’t available. Little did I know that she’d become a good friend with so much to teach me.In our interview, I asked Jenny what she learned navigating parenting in the context of her own health issues. Listen especially for the story of the plant stand and think of what it could symbolize. Here’s the interview:[recorded interview]I loved the insights Jenny shared. These are the notes I took from her words:Trust that life itself will teach your kids important lessonsKnow that your kids may be more capable than you give them credit for.Instead of micromanaging, look at the bigger picture.Show appreciation, even when your kids have just done the bare minimum.Hold onto your enthusiasm, not just with young children, but with teenagers too.Even amidst the struggle, look for miracles.Laugh together every day.Trust each other; trust God.And finally, and perhaps most importantly, you are never alone. Even those times you thought you were will prepare you to lift someone else’s burden, perhaps on a Sunday afternoon in a Walmart parking lot.© Mary Illions Wilde, MD Let's connect!IG @compassionparenting https://www.instagram.com/compassionparentingFree parenting FB group "Parenting Well: Raising Compassionate & Productive Humans" https://www.facebook.com/groups/parentingwellTo learn more about the Compassion Parenting Membership, go to https://compassionparenting.com Original music composed for Compassion Parenting by Ben Rodriguez https://soundcloud.com/bennicurious ***To subscribe on iTunes: go to iTunes store→ Music→ podcasts→ type in "Compassion Parenting" in search & click on icon→ click “subscribe” button  To Leave a Podcast ReviewLeaving a podcast review at iTunes isn't intuitive. But positive ratings are hugely important: they help the podcast get discovered by new people. Please spend 5 minutes of your time to leave a review using one of the methods below. How to leave a podcast review using Apple’s Podcast app Launch Apple’s Podcast App on your iPhone or iPad.Choose “Search” from the bottom row of icons and enter the name of the show (i.e., “Compassion Parenting Podcast”) into the search fieldSelect the show under Shows (not under Episodes)Scroll down past the first few episodes until you see Ratings & ReviewsClick “Write a Review” underneath the displayed reviews from other listeners. (Enter your iTunes password to login). You’ll then have the option to rate us on a 5-star scale, and write a review if you choose :) How to leave a podcast review at iTunes Go to the iTunes page of the Compassion Parenting Podcast.Click the "View in iTunes" button.At iTunes, click the Ratings and Reviews tab.You’ll then have the option to rate us on a 5-star scale, and write a review if you choose :) **When you’ve written a review, tag me or msg me on IG @compassionparenting & I’ll give you a shoutout on my story & a personal TY! xo, Dr. Mary 

Health is one of those strange things we define more in terms of its absence than its presence. When we suddenly become aware of a body part or body function, it’s often because something is wrong. When everything’s fine, we’re ignorant of the seamless and detailed inner workings--of how much is going right behind the scenes to make it so.In writing my first parenting book, I realized that so many of the things we worry about as parents really have nothing to do with our main work. We worry whether our meal rotation is interesting enough, or if our kids should be in this soccer program or that one, or which color to paint the living room. These decisions can matter, but they are not the center of parenting. They’re niceties, elaborations, extras, which make their way to the foreground only because, thankfully, there’s nothing more pressing.In the next couple episodes, however, I’d like to talk about parenting in times when there are more pressing things, specifically times of significant illness. On this podcast, periodically I’ll invite guests who have expertise to share, either because of their official credentials or their lived experience. That’s the case for today’s episode & the next, where I’ll share excerpts from my interviews with two amazing women whose parenting journeys have been touched by illness. I’ve been personally inspired by these moms, and I think you’ll be too. This week, I’ll be talking with Micah, mom of 4, whose youngest son Marcus has experienced ongoing complications after having meningitis as a newborn. Here’s our interview: [recorded interview]I’m so grateful to Micah for sharing her story with us. Whether we’re in a season of sickness or health, we can glean these important lessons:-to consider scaling back-to allow ourselves to be human-to give ourselves time for emotional recovery-to be intentional about finding healingAlso, we can help others by:-acknowledging them & their situations-communicating authentically, and -making the commitment to practice compassion. (And practice means we might not always get it right the first time!)Join me next week for part II of Seasons: On Sickness & Health, where I’ll be talking with Jenny who has raised 3 wonderful daughters despite her own debilitating illness.© Mary Illions Wilde, MDNotes:link to Brené Brown's talk on empathy vs. sympathy https://brenebrown.com/videos/rsa-short-empathy*On an earlier episode I spoke of compassion as being somewhat different than empathy and perhaps more sustainable. This was not to discount the value of empathy as a tool to attune to others. Let's connect!IG @compassionparenting https://www.instagram.com/compassionparentingFree parenting FB group "Parenting Well: Raising Compassionate & Productive Humans" https://www.facebook.com/groups/parentingwellTo learn more about the Compassion Parenting Membership, go to https://compassionparenting.com Original music composed for Compassion Parenting by Ben Rodriguez https://soundcloud.com/bennicurious ***To subscribe on iTunes: go to iTunes store→ Music→ podcasts→ type in "Compassion Parenting" in search & click on icon→ click “subscribe” button  To Leave a Podcast ReviewLeaving a podcast review at iTunes isn't intuitive. But positive ratings are hugely important: they help the podcast get discovered by new people. Please spend 5 minutes of your time to leave a review using one of the methods below. How to leave a podcast review using Apple’s Podcast app Launch Apple’s Podcast App on your iPhone or iPad.Choose “Search” from the bottom row of icons and enter the name of the show (i.e., “Compassion Parenting Podcast”) into the search fieldSelect the show under Shows (not under Episodes)Scroll down past the first few episodes until you see Ratings & ReviewsClick “Write a Review” underneath the displayed reviews from other listeners. (Enter your iTunes password to login). You’ll then have the option to rate us on a 5-star scale, and write a review if you choose :) How to leave a podcast review at iTunes Go to the iTunes page of the Compassion Parenting Podcast.Click the "View in iTunes" button.At iTunes, click the Ratings and Reviews tab.You’ll then have the option to rate us on a 5-star scale, and write a review if you choose :) **When you’ve written a review, tag me or msg me on IG @compassionparenting & I’ll give you a shoutout on my story & a personal TY! xo, Dr. Mary 

Motherhood comes in seasons, and as a mom to a large family I experience several seasons simultaneously. I miss the days of the slow steady rocking and the baby on my hip, but still I have a preschooler begging to play cars and a grown son waiting to hear about grad school.There’s so much talk about child development, but what about mother development? It surely goes on too. I can sense that I’m different than I was when I first became a mom, hopefully more for better than for worse. I’ve covered a lot of parenting ground, but many more seasons are ahead. I recently calculated that I’d spent over 120,000 waking hours in active parenting. Based on the popularized idea of the 10,000 hour rule*, that would make me an expert right? Except in parenting, the target keeps changing and by the time we master one stage, it’s passed, and we’re on to a new challenge. In today’s episode I’ll share an essay I wrote that was published about a year ago in various places. It was inspired by a conversation I had with my oldest son. It’s entitled, “Meeting them at the Bottom of the Slide.”Meeting Them at the Bottom of the SlideHave you ever noticed that when you take your kid to the park and you’re there to meet them at the bottom of the slide, they could go down a hundred times? Here they come with a smile, hair blowing back, arms outstretched, and you catch them. It’s like a celebration and reunion all in one. But when you go to the park with the ladies, and you stand and talk, all the kids get bored of the playground after a few trips down the slide. There is something magical in being cherished and celebrated that brings freshness and courage.When I was a little girl, every day when I got home from morning kindergarten, my mom would greet me with a lunch tray. On it was a sandwich, usually butter and peanut butter, and a red plastic cup filled with milk. I’d eat my lunch and then we’d watch “Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood.” My mom came to all my junior high basketball games and cheered for me. (At the highest scoring game of my career, I made 4 points). She came to visit me in college and sat down to read my honors thesis cover-to-cover. When I was in medical school, she flew across the country to hear me present at a symposium in Carmel, California and we walked along the rocky beach and gathered shells and watched the sea lions. My mom gave me space to have my own experience, but was always there to reunite and celebrate. She believed in me to near ridiculous proportions, seeing no bounds to my potential or opportunities. In her mind, nothing was “out of my league.” For instance, once we went to the symphony to hear the famous Joshua Bell play a violin concerto. I overheard her telling someone, “You know, I always thought my daughter would marry Joshua Bell someday.” The other concertgoer raised her eyebrows and said, “Oh! Were they dating?” “No, they’ve never met,” my mom admitted. Minor detail. My actual husband, with whom I’m raising eight beautiful boys, was the better catch for me anyway. All humor aside, my mom’s absolute devotion opened the world to me.So, fast-forward to last week when I was on the phone with my oldest son. I was simultaneously marveling and lamenting at the seeming centrifugal force upon our family as we all grow and change. He’s at college studying opera and learning things that take him beyond what any of us will experience or understand. His brother is serving as a missionary in Thailand. He bikes around the village and eats foods we’ve never tried (and likely never will) like raw crab and fried crickets. I see the centrifugal force in operation with every son down the line, coming like an inescapable prophecy. Even my youngest, who is 4, just learned to ride a two-wheeled bike. For now he circles our cul-de-sac, but it’s only a matter of time. Sometimes this anticipatory grief from a nest that is “emptying” makes me want to hold on too tightly. I hear other moms in my small, insular community say they’ll never let their kids venture further than the college in town. I get that, but I don’t get that. As a pediatrician with a behavioral focus, I see firsthand the so-called “failure to launch” epidemic. There are many factors at play, but perhaps one is a motherly “launch ambivalence” of which I too am guilty. We want our kids to go off and experience life, but at the same time we don’t want them to go. Author Rochelle Weinstein said, “A mother’s job is to teach her children not to need her anymore. The hardest part of that job is accepting success.” Personally, I’m in denial. I hope we’ll always need each other to some degree, because of the bonds we’ve created.My husband and I have been intentional about teaching our kids life skills and inspiring them to independence, but their adventurousness and self-sufficiency is beyond what we have given. My instinct has been to try to do everything I can for my kids and optimize their every experience, which anthropologist David Lancy would consider a recipe for failure-to-launch. In his book, “The Anthropology of Childhood,” he writes of his work in a remote Liberian village where he observed children thriving and independent because of what he called “benign neglect”—they had no one fussing over them; rather, there was a general trust in the natural growth process. Perhaps having eight kids and the inadvertent but naturally resulting “benign neglect” has saved me from a future with eight unemployed grown men living in my basement. It’s always a balance between stepping in and stepping back. For now, I’ll enjoy the six boys still under my roof and the two who are out venturing. I’ll cherish them, but maybe I can let go of some of that mom-guilt for not being there every single minute, because it’s actually allowing them to grow up, as painful as it feels. All my cumulative, devoted efforts thus far have helped them grow too—my efforts, plus a distillation of devotion passed through the generations.I say believe in your kids ridiculously; believe they can do and be anything. Cherish them and hold them tightly while you have them, then let them loose onto the world’s playground. But no matter how old they get, be there to meet them at the bottom of the slide. (Essay originally published in 2020)Notes:*In his book The Outliers, Malcolm Gladwell popularized the idea that spending 10,000+ hours in a given field leads to expert status in that area. His claim was based on research done by Anders Ericsson, but Ericsson himself says his research was misinterpreted by Gladwell--particularly adding the qualifier that “deliberate practice” is required, not merely putting in the time. As parents, many of us are well over the 10K mark anyway, and perhaps intentional parenting counts as deliberate practice. :)© Mary Illions Wilde, MD Let's connect!IG @compassionparenting https://www.instagram.com/compassionparentingFree parenting FB group "Parenting Well: Raising Compassionate & Productive Humans" https://www.facebook.com/groups/parentingwellTo learn more about the Compassion Parenting Membership, go to https://compassionparenting.com Original music composed for Compassion Parenting by Ben Rodriguez https://soundcloud.com/bennicurious ***To subscribe on iTunes: go to iTunes store→ Music→ podcasts→ type in "Compassion Parenting" in search & click on icon→ click “subscribe” button  To Leave a Podcast ReviewLeaving a podcast review at iTunes isn't intuitive. But positive ratings are hugely important: they help the podcast get discovered by new people. Please spend 5 minutes of your time to leave a review using one of the methods below. How to leave a podcast review using Apple’s Podcast app Launch Apple’s Podcast App on your iPhone or iPad.Choose “Search” from the bottom row of icons and enter the name of the show (i.e., “Compassion Parenting Podcast”) into the search fieldSelect the show under Shows (not under Episodes)Scroll down past the first few episodes until you see Ratings & ReviewsClick “Write a Review” underneath the displayed reviews from other listeners. (Enter your iTunes password to login). You’ll then have the option to rate us on a 5-star scale, and write a review if you choose :) How to leave a podcast review at iTunes Go to the iTunes page of the Compassion Parenting Podcast.Click the "View in iTunes" button.At iTunes, click the Ratings and Reviews tab.You’ll then have the option to rate us on a 5-star scale, and write a review if you choose :) **When you’ve written a review, tag me or msg me on IG @compassionparenting & I’ll give you a shoutout on my story & a personal TY! xo, Dr. Mary 

“Speak to us of Joy and sorrow,” the poet and philosopher Kahlil Gibran writes. “Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. . . .When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.”Our kids bring us so much joy, but because we have fully opened our hearts to them, they can also bring us deep sadness and frustration. There’s so much emotion in family life and often as mothers we carry much of it. According to a Native American legend, when Woman was created, she was called life-giver-- one who would carry the joys and sorrows of her family. The woman became burdened with this responsibility and cried out to nature. She was overheard by Raven, who carried her message to Grandmother Ocean and Grandmother Moon. The grandmothers worked together to offer a time of monthly cleansing. Thus originated menstruation, sometimes referred to as “moon time,” where all the built-up emotions and burdens could be released.  As parents we can cycle through joy & sorrow in a given day, but also, certain seasons of our parenthood may be weighted more heavily toward one than another. Joy and sorrow (and everything in between)--these are parts of life, but sometimes we receive less joy than is possible & carry more sorrow than necessary.Why?Let’s talk first about sorrow. There is true loss which must be processed and endured.But today we’ll focus on those other sorrows that perhaps we could modify or down-size before trying to carry. I have sudden visions of myself at the grocery store refusing to get a cart and precariously balancing 18 items in my arms on the way to the checkout aisle, or me at the library with a stack of books and no bag. It doesn’t have to be this way.Let me offer some new tools or “containers” to help us better shoulder the burdens life can bring: wise discernment, non-judgment, and release. They’re all slightly different and you can choose the right one for the job on any given day.First, wise discernment. In my pediatric behavioral health and wellness clinic, I teach my clients thought catching based on cognitive behavioral therapy principles. Even kids as young as 8 or 9 can learn it, and so can you. Often the thoughts driving our emotions and actions simply aren’t true. When we can be more discerning and accurate in our thinking, we can conserve our emotional energy. For example, one common thought distortion is “all or nothing” thinking. In parenting perhaps it comes out as defining ourselves either as a good mom or a bad mom depending on the circumstance. More accurately you are a dedicated mom who occasionally struggles or falls short. You are in good company.A different tool is non-judgment, an important component of mindfulness. You may think it contradicts the idea of analysis and discernment, but actually there’s a time and a place for both. Think of it this way. When you’re struggling, sometimes you need a friend who’ll give you advice, sometimes you need a friend who’ll just sit with you. Discernment is like the wise, inspired advice you give yourself, non-judgment is sitting with yourself like a friend. There’s a time and a place for both. When you approach a scenario in a spirit of non-judgment, you shed a layer of suffering that comes from inwardly fighting against “what is.” In the Buddhist tradition, there is the concept of the “second arrow.” When something difficult happens to us, that’s the first arrow. It may cause pain or injury but it has already struck. If our emotional response to the first injury adds to it (as when we judge ourselves for struggling or lash out at others) that’s the second arrow, which with time & skill we can learn to avoid. For example, maybe you’ve recently had a difficult interaction with one of your kids that involved conflict and escalation. That exchange could be considered the first arrow. If you then start telling yourself you’re not a good parent, that’s a second arrow that only wounds you further. Instead, you can acknowledge your sadness and sit with it, without judgment or blame, like a compassionate friend.  A third strategy to help us carry the sorrows of life more skillfully, is ironically, to release them (along with the unmet expectations that brought them about). We can hold onto expectations, but lightly, and perhaps let them go. As a young teenager, I babysat for a large family. I remember asking the mother, “How do you keep everyone happy?” She laughed and said, “I can’t! At any given time someone is upset about something.” Now as a mom to 8 kids, I know what she means. If I cling to the expectation of continual peace and pleasantness for all, I’m headed rapidly for disappointment. If instead, I hold the hope gently, without force or angst, I’m less likely to face that sorrowing disillusionment. When sorrow comes, I can hold that lightly too, instead of with a wrenching grip. I can decide how long to hold it and when to let it go.Now we’ll shift somewhat and talk about joy, but really it’s not an “either-or” thing. A duality always exists. Any three dimensional existence has shadows, both dark and light which give each other definition. Accepting this ongoing paradox is one of the first steps to having greater joy, because then we can recognize it even when it doesn’t come as a solitary emotion.In parenting and in life, the greatest joys become accessible only when we are present to receive them. When we’re paying attention. Much of the receiving comes through the five senses. I remember a particular joyful moment lying on the grass in the warm sunshine with my newborn resting on my chest. It was such a simple moment that happened over 10 years ago, but I can transport myself to the vividness of the experience because I was fully present for it. Even the most ordinary day holds so much richness when we are truly awake.   In addition to simple joys are the moments of arrival. I had one of these moments of bliss recently as I watched my oldest son’s senior voice recital. Because of the pandemic, no in-person audience was allowed, but I got to watch the livestream. Every music lesson I’d ever driven him to, every time I’d shared my own love of music with him, every ounce of his own effort distilled into that beautiful, meaningful hour. In the Jewish tradition, there’s a special Hebrew blessing used to mark milestones while acknowledging God’s hand in them. It is “Shehecheyanu,” saying, “Blessed are you, Ruler of the Universe. You have kept us alive and sustained us, and enabled us to reach this moment.” Though parenting is a process and a journey, it’s important to mark and celebrate the arrival points.     One more way to invite joy into your parenting is orienting yourself towards gratitude and appreciation. This last Mother’s Day, I came into the kitchen and my 8-year-old son has set up a small plastic table with two stools. The table was set with our nicer china and vase with yellow flowers. He said, “Hello Madame. Here is your menu.” and he handed me a piece of paper on which he’d written in pencil, “Fried Egg.” I said, “I’ll have the fried egg.” So he cooked each of us one and we sat down for the feast. It was such a wonderful gift. Not everyday are people treating me to breakfast, or acknowledging me, or thanking me, but every day holds large and small joys to receive. What has today brought for you? If your child has ever brought you a handful of dandelions or small picked flowers, remember that life is giving you these small bouquets throughout the day. Every single day. May you gratefully receive them.© Mary Illions Wilde, MD Let's connect!IG @compassionparenting https://www.instagram.com/compassionparentingFree parenting FB group "Parenting Well: Raising Compassionate & Productive Humans" https://www.facebook.com/groups/parentingwellTo learn more about the Compassion Parenting Membership, go to https://compassionparenting.com Original music composed for Compassion Parenting by Ben Rodriguez https://soundcloud.com/bennicurious ***To subscribe on iTunes: go to iTunes store→ Music→ podcasts→ type in "Compassion Parenting" in search & click on icon→ click “subscribe” button  To Leave a Podcast ReviewLeaving a podcast review at iTunes isn't intuitive. But positive ratings are hugely important: they help the podcast get discovered by new people. Please spend 5 minutes of your time to leave a review using one of the methods below. How to leave a podcast review using Apple’s Podcast app Launch Apple’s Podcast App on your iPhone or iPad.Choose “Search” from the bottom row of icons and enter the name of the show (i.e., “Compassion Parenting Podcast”) into the search fieldSelect the show under Shows (not under Episodes)Scroll down past the first few episodes until you see Ratings & ReviewsClick “Write a Review” underneath the displayed reviews from other listeners. (Enter your iTunes password to login). You’ll then have the option to rate us on a 5-star scale, and write a review if you choose :) How to leave a podcast review at iTunes Go to the iTunes page of the Compassion Parenting Podcast.Click the "View in iTunes" button.At iTunes, click the Ratings and Reviews tab.You’ll then have the option to rate us on a 5-star scale, and write a review if you choose :) **When you’ve written a review, tag me or msg me on IG @compassionparenting & I’ll give you a shoutout on my story & a personal TY! xo, Dr. Mary

As any mom, I give up multiple personal opportunities to create opportunities for my children--a truth to which they, at least for now, are quite oblivious. (And to some degree, rightly so; it’s the way of childhood). I have books to write, songs to practice, medical journals to read--I’m practically bursting to do these things--but instead spend mornings in my bathrobe insisting one son does his homework and the other practices and another picks up his toys. It’s my fair trade to make--a willing investment for the future of those I love. Yet, to never pursue anything (or to have nothing to pursue) seems an unhealthy and untrue lesson. (Faithful Nurturing, p. 157)Motherhood can feel like one very long season, but our kids’ childhood, like an ongoing summer for them, doesn’t have to be our endless winter, with gifts lying dormant for years.As parents, we spend significant time trying to get our kids to do the worthwhile things we wish we still had time to do. We focus so much on their growth that sometimes we forget our own. We forget that example may be the best teacher anyway. Ongoing personal growth & creative pursuits not only bring satisfaction, but also increase our endurance and effectiveness in parenting. I’ll begin by asking a question: What do you love? What gives you energy and makes you feel alive?So many moms say that they don’t know anymore. There’s something beautiful about being so dedicated to your family that their wishes and interests become your own. I remember driving in rush hour traffic in Minneapolis (a city they say has only 2 seasons: winter and road construction) and getting genuinely excited to see tractors. I was in the car by myself, and though I don’t have any personal interest in construction vehicles, because my little boys like them, my natural inward reaction was, “Hey look! Tractors!!”I’m sure you’ve had similar experiences where the only reason you’re investing attention, time, or effort in something is because it’s valued by someone you love, but somehow we need to maintain a primary connection to the things we ourselves love--not only to grow and thrive, but to model healthy adulthood.In his book “Flow: the psychology of optimal experience,” psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi makes the case that in a state of “flow” we have the greatest enjoyment and do our best work. I believe this applies to parenting as well as anything else. Whether or not we feel “in flow” while parenting specifically OR experience flow states intermittently in other pursuits, it can powerfully sustain us and buffer us against burnout.  So I’ll ask again, what do you love? What naturally brings you into a state of “FLOW”? When you find or discover these things, hold onto them. They’re important keys to your wellbeing, your sense of purpose, and your energy and motivation in every area, including parenting. I’ll pause here to say that if you go to compassionparenting.com/flow-survey, you can do a quick “flow” assessment and get your copy of the free ebook, “Parenting with FLOW: Reconnecting to Natural Delight, Focus and Productivity.” Sounds nice, doesn’t it?Now back to our discussion on growth. As parents (and this includes me), we often take one of 3 positions when it comes to personal growth (or perhaps cycle through them):-[First,] sort of giving up on the idea of growth (thinking there’s no time for it or that it’s some kind of indulgence)-[Second] pursuing growth in a balanced way (or)-[Third] pursuing growth in an unbalanced wayLet’s talk about each of these. You might say, for example, “There’s just no time for me to do anything beyond meeting the daily demands of parenting and running a household. I’m completely spent.” I get that. There are certain times of transition or crisis when this may be true. But, in normal circumstances, time usually can be found. There’s what I call “edge time” at the beginning, end, or in little pockets of the day. There’s protected time, when you arrange for a support person to help out while you step away. There’s the opportunity to bring kids along and allow them to participate in some way. Why would you want to make the effort? Because making some time to do what you love may be your path to feeling alive again. It may be your path to finding your “FLOW.” Paradoxically, this kind of growth actually generates a net energy rather than depleting it. Rather than being a guilty indulgence that robs your children in some way, it enriches them because of what it does for you.Over the years, I’ve used a mix of strategies to enable my creative pursuits: edge time, protected time, and perhaps most often just involving my kids. I love singing, and when I’ve wanted to practice, I’ve often done so with a little baby or toddler on my lap who was plunking the keys periodically. Not necessarily the most productive context, but definitely doable. Even as I created this podcast, my little 5-year-old was with me when I tested the sound equipment. In many ways, his company had a healing influence. I was overwhelmed in my state of not knowing what I was doing, but with him along we were just playing and being curious together. I captured a little test track when he took a turn. Here it is:  [Nathaniel track]So that was my son’s debut. Maybe he’ll grow up to be a famous announcer someday! Writer Brenda Ueland says, “If you want your children to become musicians, then work at music yourself, seriously and with all your intelligence. If you want them to be scholars, study hard yourself. If you want them to be honest, be honest yourself. And so it goes.” In her book entitled If You Want to Write, Ueland also talks about how we need to be more like our “child” selves as we pursue our gifts--bold, playful, & curious. She says, “This joyful, imaginative, impassioned energy dies out of us very young. Why?. . . Because we let dry obligation take its place. Because we don’t respect it in ourselves and keep it alive by using it.” Instead, she says, “Remember these things. Work [at your gifts] with all your intelligence and love.” (p. 5-6, 8)Now, the subject of balance. Can you think of a time in your life where you were growing & progressing in a paced and balanced way? I’ll give you a minute to think. Even connect with how that felt in your body . . .Maybe now, recall a time when you overdid it and how that felt . . . What made it different?Take a breath in as you glean insight from that reflection. And as you breathe out, let go of any leftover tension and let it dissolve away.As I’m recording this, I’m inwardly acknowledging that I’ve spent more time than necessary in a state of “overstriving”--I feel some loss connected to that. But welling up just after the first feeling, is an overall sense of joy and fulfillment. I’m wondering what feelings are coming up for you and invite you to share about it on my feed @compassionparenting on the post connected with this episode. There have been times that I’ve gotten the balance right and have found that sweet spot--almost by necessity. One such experience was writing my first parenting book, Faithful Nurturing. With that project, I was determined not to let writing about parenting disrupt my actual parenting. I used the edges of my day (early mornings and late evenings) and showed up as consistently as life would allow. There were also those sudden flashes of inspiration that I scrawled on whatever scrap of paper I could quickly get my hands on. I had to be patient with the process because whenever I’d try to rush it or allow my writing to interfere with my functioning as a parent, it was as if the Muses immediately left me. But once I realigned myself, they’d come back. After about 10 years of paced effort, I finished the book.We’ll have more episodes on gifts, and balance, and the creative process, but for now I’ll end with an invitation. What am I inviting you to do? Only you can know exactly. But what I am saying is “grow, grow.”© Mary Illions Wilde, MDReferences:Faithful Nurturing: Mothering from the Heart to the Heart by Mary Illions WildeFlow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience by Mihaly CsikszentmihalyiIf You Want to Write by Brenda UelandLet's connect!IG @compassionparenting https://www.instagram.com/compassionparentingFree parenting FB group "Parenting Well: Raising Compassionate & Productive Humans" https://www.facebook.com/groups/parentingwellTo learn more about the Compassion Parenting Membership, go to https://compassionparenting.comOriginal music composed for Compassion Parenting by Ben Rodriguez https://soundcloud.com/bennicurious***To subscribe on iTunes: go to iTunes store→ Music→ podcasts→ type in "Compassion Parenting" in search & click on icon→ click “subscribe” button  To Leave a Podcast ReviewLeaving a podcast review at iTunes isn't intuitive. But positive ratings are hugely important: they help the podcast get discovered by new people. Please spend 5 minutes of your time to leave a review using one of the methods below.How to leave a podcast review using Apple’s Podcast appLaunch Apple’s Podcast App on your iPhone or iPad.Choose “Search” from the bottom row of icons and enter the name of the show (i.e., “Compassion Parenting Podcast”) into the search fieldSelect the show under Shows (not under Episodes)Scroll down past the first few episodes until you see Ratings & ReviewsClick “Write a Review” underneath the displayed reviews from other listeners. (Enter your iTunes password to login). You’ll then have the option to rate us on a 5-star scale, and write a review if you choose :)How to leave a podcast review at iTunesGo to the iTunes page of the Compassion Parenting Podcast.Click the "View in iTunes" button.At iTunes, click the Ratings and Reviews tab.You’ll then have the option to rate us on a 5-star scale, and write a review if you choose :)**When you’ve written a review, tag me or msg me on IG @compassionparenting & I’ll give you a shoutout on my story & a personal TY! xo, Dr. Mary 

This episode is the first in the series on “Seasons.” Though seasons of life and parenting change, the one constant element--the aspect that we seek to keep fresh and renewed always--is love. Why? Because the wisdom literature states that “Charity (or love) never faileth.” (I Cor 13: 4-8). I don’t know about you, but I’d like a guaranteed strategy! Like all profound yet simple truths, however, it’s the implementation that’s the challenge... Love is the foundation of effective parenting--it’s always in season, even through dark winters or long summers. You might be thinking, “Well of course I love my kids!” Yes, you have an underlying bond & an underlying intention, but how tuned-in to it are you day-to-day and moment-to-moment? How tuned into it am I? Today, we’ll be speaking specifically about one facet of love, sustainable compassion, within the context of parenting. This ties intimately to the work I do, which is to help parents foster a grounded, loving presence. (You can learn more at https://compassionparenting.com --the link’s in the show notes).Parenting itself is like a marathon (or even an ultra-marathon!). Unlike regular marathons, life’s marathons sometimes don’t give us a chance to fully prepare. We often feel the pace is outside our control--something arbitrary or externally set. We may forget or feel unable to refuel. But yet we run, and we run, and we run.From 2007 to 2016, not only did I have responsibilities as a mom to a large family, but I also cared for my aging mom, AND worked part-time as a pediatrician. At the end of this period, my mom needed total care. Two strokes had left her bed-ridden, with only the use of one arm. She required tube feeding, bathing, turning & changing. My sister and I performed this care while caring for families of our own. It was a season of ultra-caregiving during which I was often depleted, exhausted, & existing in “survival mode.” But I did survive. Maybe you have found yourself in an ultra-caregiving situation: caring for a child who has a chronic illness, caring for an aging parent, parenting within the context of your own mental or physical health issues, or even facing the new challenges of parenting within a pandemic. How can we survive while buffering ourselves against burnout?Burnout has been defined as “a state of emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion caused by excessive and prolonged stress.” Anyone listening relate to that? Just so you know you’ve got company, I host a parenting community and membership. Within it I did an informal poll about current levels of burnout on a scale of 0-10. The average among respondents was 10.5. These are solid, dedicated parents, yet they are not immune to burnout and neither are you or I.In this episode, I’m going to share 4 ideas that may help:[First…] Choosing compassion over empathy [Next…] Honoring boundaries[Then…] Connecting to source[& finally….] Applying the Halifax GRACE model--a specific framework for practicing compassion “in the trenches”So what’s the issue with empathy? Empathy is good, right? Well, I’m going to make the case that particularly in extreme situations, compassion may be better and more sustainable. The first to introduce me to this distinction was Dr. Joan Halifax in her beautiful book, Standing at the Edge: Finding Freedom Where Fear & Courage Meet. Though often the terms are used nearly interchangeably, there’s an important difference between them. Empathy literally means “in feeling or suffering,” but compassion is “feeling or suffering with.” You can only hold or be “in” so much suffering, but you can stand alongside it, like a vigil, for longer. That’s choosing compassion over empathy. Joan Halifax spent years as a hospice volunteer literally standing vigil with individuals and families in suffering. She’s developed trainings to help caregivers and front-line workers maintain compassion despite having to endure and witness ongoing emotional stress. Dr. Halifax has also created a framework with the acronym GRACE, that I’ll share later in the episode.This work fully applies to parents as well. Yes, when crisis hits, the helping professionals are there, but who is in the innermost circle? It is you, the parents. It’s been you at the bedside of your sick child. It’s been you sitting alongside your 3rd grader while they try to learn the times tables with a virtual class of 28 over zoom. It’s been you waiting up for your teenager at midnight. It’s you navigating hard conversations, big emotions, & family crises. On a practical day-to-day basis, what does this mean? How is compassion, “feeling with” applied? When your child is having a meltdown (whether they’re 2 or 16), you can still be a caring parent without getting roped in. In fact, you can be even more effective when you don’t get roped in. We can be there with our kids, offering care while “decoupling” our emotions from theirs like unhooking a trailer hitch. Then we can be steady & offer wise, loving support. Does this sound cold or mean? It isn’t at all. It’s a technique for survival and pacing and sustainability. It allows your heart to keep caring. In the healthcare space there’s a term called “compassion fatigue” (which maybe would be more accurately named empathy fatigue”) that describes a burnout state among caregivers--a “loss of the ability to nurture.” Certainly this is not a permanent state, but does require repair work when we find ourselves in it.  As we’ve discussed, the first fix is shifting from empathy toward compassion.Now let’s talk about boundaries. To me, boundaries are about making decisions based on priorities and then honoring them. Prentis Hemphill has said, “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” When parents find themselves “blowing up” or “losing it,” it’s often because of quietly accommodating a series of boundary violations. Let me give you a classic example: bedtime. You help your kids get ready for bed, you try to tuck them in. They delay, they want a snack, they want another story. They have to do just “one more thing.” They need to run & get something. They want to tell you just “one more thing.” On the surface, it seems pretty peaceful but suddenly you shout, “Go to bed!!” Your kids are sad, you’re sad. Maybe next time it could end differently, but how?  -you could just let them do all those “one more things” until they’re so tired they finally crash (which usually means you’re too tired now too, to talk to your spouse, to get your work done, or just to have some necessary downtime). Maybe they’re happy, but you’re not and you start getting resentful. It’s not sustainable.Instead, consider this:-right at the moment you feel the inner tension rising, you could communicate about it authentically. (Maybe after the 1st or 2nd delay tactic instead of the 15th!) You could say, “You know what? We’ve had a good day & I want it to stay that way. Now it is bedtime and you need to go to bed. Not “one more” anything. I love you!!” Our kids will push against our boundaries. That’s how they test whether the edge is real. Our boundaries won’t look exactly like other people’s and they may change day-to-day because of the specific context. That’s all okay. That’s what communication is for.   Now for tool # 3. Connecting to source. In our society, there is often a disconnect from the spiritual. We talk of attributes like love, but disconnect the ideas from their origins, like cut flowers. Without connection to source or root, our love can wither or dry up pretty fast. Whether you’re religious or not, love is not free-standing. Mother Theresa reportedly said that she’d spend her mornings praying to feel God’s love and then spend the day sharing it. Whether you tap into a divine source or into a sense of common humanity, let your love have root in something bigger than yourself. All this sounds good in theory, but what about in practice...in the center of the struggle or crisis? For our 4th tool, let’s return to the work of Dr. Joan Halifax. To medical professionals, clergy, social activists, humanitarian workers, Dr. Halifax has taught the GRACE model, and I think it applies equally well to us as parents, for we are the ultimate front-line caregivers.Let us practice GRACE, G.R.A.C.E. to sustain us in our work.G stands for gather attention. It’s about pausing to ground (or center) ourselves.R stands for recall intention. This is about aligning ourselves moment-to-moment with our vision--our greatest wishes for our kids and ourselves.A is attune to self and others. We must attune to our kids and ourselves to discern the true needs in a given situation.C-- consider what will serve. Our “considering” may not bring us to the easiest, most convenient, or most popular conclusion, but it will likely guide us to the wisest one.E is Engage and End. We carry out the plan from the previous step and then we move on, without baggage, without regret or rumination, to the next thing. Because in parenting there always is “the next thing.” Truly, love is the most powerful parenting tool in the universe. It’s a simple thought, yet a profound and taxing path that I hope we can explore together through this podcast.Now, some final thoughts. Recently I was at a yoga class and the instructor said, “When the practice gets hard, love yourself more. The message hit me so deeply. Yet so often we do the exact opposite of this. If you remember nothing more from today’s episode, remember this: “When the practice gets hard, love yourself (and others) more.” What is the practice? In my yoga class it was a specifically challenging pose. But the ultimate practice is life itself. © Mary Illions Wilde, MDLet's connect! IG @compassionparenting https://www.instagram.com/compassionparentingFree parenting FB group "Parenting Well: Raising Compassionate & Productive Humans" https://www.facebook.com/groups/parentingwellTo learn more about the Compassion Parenting Membership, go to https://compassionparenting.com Original music composed for Compassion Parenting by Ben Rodriguez https://soundcloud.com/bennicurious***To subscribe on iTunes: go to iTunes store→ Music→ podcasts→ type in "Compassion Parenting" in search & click on icon→ click “subscribe” button  To Leave a Podcast ReviewLeaving a podcast review at iTunes isn't intuitive. But positive ratings are hugely important: they help the podcast get discovered by new people. Please spend 5 minutes of your time to leave a review using one of the methods below.How to leave a podcast review using Apple’s Podcast appLaunch Apple’s Podcast App on your iPhone or iPad.Choose “Search” from the bottom row of icons and enter the name of the show (i.e., “Compassion Parenting Podcast”) into the search fieldSelect the show under Shows (not under Episodes)Scroll down past the first few episodes until you see Ratings & ReviewsClick “Write a Review” underneath the displayed reviews from other listeners. (Enter your iTunes password to login). You’ll then have the option to rate us on a 5-star scale, and write a review if you choose :)How to leave a podcast review at iTunesGo to the iTunes page of the Compassion Parenting Podcast.Click the "View in iTunes" button.At iTunes, click the Ratings and Reviews tab.You’ll then have the option to rate us on a 5-star scale, and write a review if you choose :)**When you’ve written a review, tag me or msg me on IG @compassionparenting & I’ll give you a shoutout on my story & a personal TY! xo, Dr. Mary