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68 minutes | Dec 6, 2020
Episode 25 - Beyond Stupid and Not Even A Little Bit Funny
"I tried top [sic] watch [sic] this. It was beyond stupid and not even a little bit funny. Sounded like extreme left wing nonsense and trying to make it sound funny." This time on Cheerful Despair: Extreme left wing nonsense! Wow! Beyond stupid! Yay! Not even a little bit funny! Plus! Trying to make it sound funny!
85 minutes | May 28, 2020
Episode 24 - Cause and Effect
Recorded in early 2019 and aged in an oak MacBook previously used to produce a fine Scottish audiobook. This episode has exquisite bouquets of: Time passes, possibly on the way to taking four consecutive rights and coming back to where it was The Apple Store that used to be a Wimpy "There was never 'the' terminator, it was always 'a' terminator" The hospitalisation of Scottish Author David F Porteous The Cheerful Despair Discriminatory Gymnasium and Subscription Sex Prison ft. Tom Hanks "Nobody is gonna go to that pub" As well as delicate hints of our favourite segments Debate Bag and a Christmas Cross Quiz written for a Christmas Special we never recorded (or did we?!? (we didn't)). Remember, if you don't share our podcast on social media, the terrorists win. Their podcast is very popular. Now eat an orange.
64 minutes | May 8, 2020
Episode 23 - Wuhan Flu Over The Cuckoo's Nest
Denied their sound engineer and recording studio by an extremely rude global pandemic, David F. Porteous and David Candy bring you the subtle flavours and rich aroma of Cheerful Despair from the state-mandated comfort of their own homes. Wow! This time on the UK's 37th best comedy podcast*: Neil Armstrong porks out! A touch of the gammons! David F. Porteous vs. Peppa Pig! Plus: Inconsistent sound quality! Sloppy editing! *Technically true, really quite a long time ago now.
68 minutes | Feb 24, 2020
Episode 22 - Shout Out To Atheist Monk
Cheerful Despair takes you back into the warm, slightly moist, folds of its matronly but disturbingly hairy bosom. Other joys we remind you of in this episode: The joy of babies - you can't hit them with bricks, you just can't The joy of employment - you still can't hit babies with bricks The joy of clowns - you can hit them with bricks, and you should We've probably put something about Star Trek in here too, you know what we're like. Originally recorded at some point in 2018, probably. A few months before DFP was hospitalised with diabetes he talks nonsense about how fit he is. We just keep these episodes forever and eventually some of them break out of the cellar. Frankly, if you told more strangers about these podcasts, you'd get more. This is your fault. -DFP
63 minutes | Aug 6, 2019
Episode 21 - The Skeletal Remains of Jackie Bird
Cheerful Despair take you on a journey across time and space to celebrate New Year 2018 from the comfort of August 2019. Wow! This time on Britain's 37th best comedy podcast*: The Brigadoon extended universe "Vaseline - For a Frictionless Kitchen" Tom Hanks in rhyming-slang biohorror shock Plus! Only five sixths of a cross quiz (sorry) But fifteen tenths of a debate bag (hooray!) *Technically true as of 14th July 2019 according to Apple Podcasts - we've got screenshots so you can't take that away from us Apple, even if it was just a terrible mistake
54 minutes | Jul 5, 2019
Episode 20 - Buy Me A Hoose!
I read once about a podcast that vanished without warning. When it suddenly reappeared, almost two years later, everything was fine. No-one had unsubscribed and everyone just kept listening as if nothing had happened. So, you know, maybe something to think about there. Anyway, this time on Cheerful Despair: How is anti-vax Hercules stored in David Candy’s brain? Shifty Un-American Owls Yesterday, all my plot holes seemed so far away “He wasn’t a warrior princess, he was a Korean man” Plus! Cross-Quiz Debate Bag The muffled sound of three men eating Pappadums
69 minutes | Dec 19, 2017
The Last Jedi Special
David F. Porteous and David Candy (who like Star Wars) have been to the movies with sound engineer David Chisholm (who likes football and girls). Why not listen to the aftermath? Includes STAR WARS THEMED versions of regular features Cross Quiz and Debate Bag. Caution! From about 30 minutes in, and after ample verbal warnings, we do spoil some plot details of the film. (Sorry about that).
67 minutes | Jul 3, 2017
S3E6 - Unbelievably, it's more otters
"I don't know how they got into the air ducts, I just want them out. And don't let Jerry screw you around about how he warned us to put the fine mesh otterwire over the vents because otters are skinnier than they used to be. I don't care. I just want them gone." This week on Cheerful Despair: Lies about Leith - a place you've probably never been, and if you rely on the signs, you will never get to The Ultimate Otters Quiz??? The longest Debate Bag we have ever had Speculation about the D&D stats for the God of Abraham David Candy meets the local The Batman for Leith - I bet you thought that wasn't going to be mentioned again, but it was. It's a callback! It's right there, a lesser spotted callback! ....Please like me. -dfp.
50 minutes | Jun 26, 2017
S3E5 - My Bicycle has a Brexit
"I don't care how many Shannon McNamara has, I am not spending five pounds on another fidget spinner! Why not listen to that stupid podcast instead?" This week: We offer our code-breaking services to GCHQ. Uh, you're welcome... Cheerful Despair remembers Lady Diana the way she would have wanted. With a quiz. Sir Isaac Newton commits various acts of political self-harm in the name of science! plus Will David F Porteous be ostracised by his people for his controversial views on doner meat? Why not rate us on iTunes, follow us on twitter @podcastname and like us on Facebook @CheerfulDespairPodcast? (That's not a rhetorical question. We expect your answers in writing.)
72 minutes | Jun 19, 2017
S3E4 - The one where the boys call for another world war
There are only two things that come out of the Cheerful Despair Podcast Studios - steers and episodes of the Cheerful Despair Podcast - and this doesn't look like a steer. Whatever a steer is. In this episode: We plot to send people who are in one geographic location to another geographic location Glenns the vodka man; pushing boys into wells since 1972 David Candy meets another person Andy Peters shakes a duck corpse in front of a camcorder The minimum amount of cheating necessary to win Escape from a Council flat Plus Cross Quiz and Debate Bag - which we think you like, and that's why we keep doing them.
68 minutes | Jun 12, 2017
S3E3 - Midnight at the Racist Disco
Benefiting from many local amenities, this bright and stylish 2-bedroom podcast features tasteful neutral decor and returns for its 15th episode. This week: David F Porteous will never get a massage in this town again! Join the Aryan Brotherhood of Edinburgh Taxi Drivers for a DVD marathon David Candy's toaster is too short We meet the extraordinary individuals behind Scotland's traditional home-made vaccines plus Will Captain Britain take back control by leaving the League of European Superheroes? The Cheerful Despair podcast is unable to vouch for the safety of those failing to rate us on iTunes, follow us on twitter @podcastname or like us on Facebook @CheerfulDespairPodcast.
68 minutes | Jun 5, 2017
S3E2 - 2010s Open Quotes Cheerful Despair End Quotes Podcast
On this week’s action-packed instalment: Sign up! - For the Cheerful Despair Academy of Football Chow down! - On our secret recipe for beans on toast (The second ingredient will shock you!) Hook up! - With Edinburgh’s sleaziest billboard lion Blast off! - To a whole new world of cancer, chemical toilets and floating liver aboard the USS Summer Holiday plus Tune in! - To the olympiad of automaton combat that’s setting wirelesses aglow across the Empire and Dominions Now of course it’s entirely up to you, but we've been talking and it really feels like the polite thing for you to do would be to rate us on iTunes. In fact you could follow us on twitter @podcastname and like us on Facebook @CheerfulDespairPodcast too. But remember this is your decision. There’s no pressure.
69 minutes | May 29, 2017
S3E1 - Cheerful Despair beyond a, but not the, Thunderdome
“Jean, when you’re over next weekend, can you ask Mark to look at my phone again? Yeah. It’s that thing with the skeletons. Yeah. It’s come back. Okay. Okay. Thanks love. See you on Saturday.” On this week’s episode: Can David F Porteous and David Candy save the world? Sir Barry Thunderdome wants you to share the rewards of the hit phenomenon that’s set to sweep Australia! Do the kids think David F Porteous is cool? (They don’t). Plus! We exclusively reveal Cheerful Despair’s official brand of cigarettes. Then, for health reasons advise you not to smoke them. Don't forget to rate us on iTunes, follow us on twitter @podcastname, like us on Facebook @CheerfulDespairPodcast and follow us home from the bus stop. DC
67 minutes | Nov 11, 2016
S2E6 - Take your unaccompanied singing back where you came from!
Season two of my favourite podcast comes to an end in typical style with a flurry of racism, and a battery of insults directed at anonymous/famous man Chet Hanks. Join us in wondering what he ever did to deserve this. It can't be miserable optimism - so it must be Cheerful Despair! #NotMyTagLine (Episode recorded in July 2016, before Earth's last reserves of hope were depleted).
48 minutes | Sep 15, 2016
S2E5 - The Salmon-Flavoured Cat Food Themed Episode (But Not Really)
Cheerful Despair, that pod-cast you forgot you subscribed to, returns. It's honestly better just to listen and not make a scene. We'll just leave a small tip and not eat here again. This time: Have your sandwiches been Phil-ed? Wow! In a new segment, we meet John, an extraordinary individual. Also! David F. Porteous (who was educated by the state) is taught how to pass the port. Plus! We invent a new trendy artisan snack for hipsters, then foolishly share the idea with the internet. (Do not steal our genuinely quite good snack idea for which we have no legal protection. Thanks.) Good night and good truck. -DC. For, and on behalf of, DFP.
71 minutes | Jul 17, 2016
S2E4 - The Star Trek / Hate-Themed Episode
Welcome to another episode of Cheerful Despair - the podcast about how Star Trek the Next Generation has too many damn nerds. (This is the sound of the internet eating itself). On this episode: An initial half hour about Star Trek, which you can easily skip Noel Edmunds magic box that cures cancer I loved David Candy, he smelled of mould Remember when Prince Adam came to Scotland? They're like baby pigeons That's clever enough for religion And regular segments Cross Quiz and Debate Bag Until next time - may your trucks bring all the boys to the yard. - dfp.
54 minutes | Jun 13, 2016
S2E3 - The Brexit Themed Episode (But Not Really)
As relentless as the passing of time and the approach of a referendum on the political destiny of this Moderately Good Britain - so arrives another episode of Cheerful Despair, featuring: The actual sound of regular segment Cross Quiz being written Dried Homeless food My favourite colour is anarchy The actual sound of regular segment Debate Bag being written Elon Musk vs Romanians working in Subway How one man's hatred of furry animals gave us Velcro (other hook and loop fasteners are available) Government will soon send you a letter explaining why you should listen to Cheerful Despair, but the Daily Mail thinks we're crap. Trucking - Excelsior! - dfp
83 minutes | Jun 6, 2016
S2E2 - The Middle Eastern Themed Episode (But Not Really)
With profuse apologies for the failure to keep our promises for weekly uploading - even though we specifically say in this episode that this is a thing which is happening - here is a bumper episode to make up for it. Featuring regular segments Debate Bag and Cross Quiz, plus: The former artist currently known as Prince - better or worse than your mum? David Candy's obsession with the past You're Pavloving yourself The Power of Greyskull is self-confidence He's got a pint of whole milk down his trousers Sincere requests for you to send pictures of humus to @dfpiii. Please send pictures of humus. Do not send actual humus. We cannot stress this enough - do not send actual humus. Resume trucking. -dfp
53 minutes | Apr 25, 2016
S2E1 - The James Bond Themed Episode (But Not Really)
Hurtling straight at your ears like a bullet from a golden gun (which, presumably is either less dangerous or certainly no more dangerous than a bullet from a gun made of another metal) it's the Cheerful Despair Podcast! In the first episode of our magnificent second series you can expect to hear: Donald Trump's views on crimes committed by fictional characters played by the actor Tom Hanks; Time travel and racism; David Candy's favourite colour - you'll have to listen to find out, but it's shocking. You will be shocked by this one colour-liking fact; and all the usual schtick including Cross Quiz and Debate Bag. An innovation for this series: this episode is being broadcast before we record episode two. If you have a theme you'd like us to discuss or a question you want us to answer, please submit them on twitter to @dfpiii
38 minutes | Feb 8, 2016
Season 1, Episode 6
Few dared dream that when we began posting podcast episodes that one day we would have posted six and that would be the end of season one - but that event and that day have arrived. In the final episode of Cheerful Despair, prepare yourselves for: Everyone involved to become sad and frustrated with the whole process, to say nothing of their lives The Ultimate Slavery Quiz A desperate appeal for you to love us Until we meet again, possibly in a future life, in a parallel universe, don't know where, don't know when, but I know we'll meet again some sunny day, keep on trucking. DFP.
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