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There's been a lot of talk recently about free speech—specifically, news stories about a somewhat infamous media figure who was banned from several major social media sites. It got me to thinking about the limits of free speech, which is all about boundaries. In this episode I'll talk about why boundaries have a lot to do with free speech, as well as how freedom of speech operates in both physical and virtual space. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #28: Although each of us is free to say or do whatever we want, freedom to do what we want also comes with certain consequences—positive, neutral, or negative. Boundaries create limits, but they also create space. The amount of space a boundary creates has a lot to do with the limit that is created. For example, if you put a fence around your property, you’re creating a clear limit, but you’re also creating more private space that can only be accessed by you. Free speech is determined by who controls the space where speech occurs. Whoever owns or controls a space gets to decide what the limits are. This is true whether it’s a physical space (such as your house or a business’ office) or a virtual space (such as a social media site, website, or blog). It’s not anyone's responsibility to provide a platform or vehicle for another person to get information they want. For example, if you're following someone on Twitter and they get banned because of Twitter's boundaries, Twitter is not responsible for providing you a platform to connect with the person they banned. Today, just about anyone with a small amount of resources and money can create their own virtual space, which makes giving and getting information freely far more accessible than at any other time in human history.   Highlights from Episode #28: We hear about the topic of today’s episode, as well as the inspiration for it. [00:48] Vicki reads the first amendment of the U.S. Constitution for listeners who may need a refresher. She then digs into the topic of consequences. [03:11] Boundaries not only create limits; they also create space. Vicki explores this concept, then links it to the concept of free speech. [07:32] Vicki gives examples of what it means for people who own a particular physical or virtual space to make decisions about who and how others are permitted to express themselves in those spaces. [12:04] We learn how the concepts Vicki has been exploring relate to virtual space. [16:51] Vicki points out that just about anyone with some resources can create their own virtual space to say whatever they want to say. [22:03] There are some environments that are truly oppressive in terms of what they allow people to say or express, and when you encounter one of those, it's probably best to find another community or environment that allow you greater freedom of expression. [24:40]   Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier US Bill of Rights

Happy holidays! This is the final episode for this year, but I’ll have some exciting news exclusively for listeners next year, and I’m looking forward to sharing that with you. For now, let’s talk about the connecting power of boundaries—because they do actually create connection, despite their bad reputation! I’d also like to invite you to reflect on the ways that you want to be more in alignment with yourself, which is one of the best ways to create more connection with others.   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #117: There’s a misconception that boundaries are harsh or rigid, or that they create disconnection. This bad rap usually comes from the people who are on the receiving end! Boundaries can actually lead to connection, sometimes in surprising ways. Setting boundaries with ourselves in terms of how we respond is one of the ways that boundaries can help us connect. When you create a limit with another person and they honor your boundary, that actually creates connection. This can happen in a parent/adult child relationship or even with your significant other. Even saying “no” to a request can be a connecting experience, as long as that is your authentic response.   Highlights from Episode #117: Welcome to the show! Vicki wishes listeners happy holidays, and explains that she’ll be taking some time off for self-care. [00:39] You have a right to create whatever boundary you need to create, Vicki points out. [03:27] Vicki shares a few of the ways that boundaries can create connection. [06:21] If you’re struggling to wrap your head around how honoring a boundary creates connection, think back to a time when someone tried to push the limit or ignored your boundary. [10:58] We learn about how making or receiving a request can be a connecting experience. [13:06] Vicki shares one last example of how limits can help us create connection. [15:22] We hear a recap of the four examples that Vicki has shared today. [18:41]   Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on Spotify Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #6 – What to Expect When You Set Boundaries (+Non-Negotiable Boundaries)

People tend to see their situations as special or unique, when in reality, that’s not the case most of the time. But we often get tripped up around exceptionalism when it comes to our boundaries. There are two common “unique snowflake” traps that we all fall into, and I’ll dig into both of them today. Remember that even though your situation may feel exceptional, the principles of the boundary work involved are the same.   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #116: The “unique snowflake trap” is the belief that there’s something unique about your situation that makes your boundary challenge or question unique or different from the standard principles. A common example of this is believing that boundaries are different with different people. In fact, boundaries with family members work exactly the same way as they do with other people. You still get to decide how you want to respond. Another common example sounds something like, “You just don’t understand. This person is different.” While this may feel true, the 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier still works for this situation.   Highlights from Episode #116: Vicki welcomes listeners to Episode 116, which will be about snowflakes and boundaries. We start off by learning about the history of the term “snowflake.” [00:39] We hear about the “unique snowflake trap,” which is one of the common things that trips people up around creating boundaries. [03:43] Vicki discusses whether boundaries are different depending on the role that different people have in your life. [05:02] You can decide that it’s okay with you if someone has a right to your body, but no one else gets to decide that for you. This illustrates Vicki’s point around family boundaries. [08:32] The second “unique snowflake” dynamic that Vicki talks about is some variation on “you just don’t understand; this person is different/an exception.” [09:49] Vicki digs into how the “unique snowflake” trap relates to the belief that getting someone else to change is the way to be happier or get our needs met. [13:56]   Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on Spotify Sorry Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club Did Not Invent the Alt-Right's Favorite Insult, Matt Miller, January 30, 2017 Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #1 – Boundaries: What They Are and Why They’re So Misunderstood (start here and work your way forward for the foundations of this podcast!)

When you get triggered, is the person who you got triggered by responsible? And what does this have to do with boundaries? Today’s episode will dig into these important questions. If you’re a long-time listener, you may have guessed that triggers are related to the listening boundary, which is the most difficult of the four primary boundaries. Tune in to learn about triggers, boundaries, and how to respond when you feel triggered. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #78: Triggers are individual and unique to each person, and the possible ways to be triggered are almost endless. Thoughts create emotions, but emotions can also create thoughts. Each of us has emotions just underneath the surface waiting for something in the external world that will activate or stimulate them. You have a right to your opinion, to express yourself, and to ask someone to do something differently if you’re triggered. However, the other person isn’t responsible for your trigger, and they aren’t obligated to change so you won’t be triggered. When you get triggered and want to critique the other person, ask yourself what is your intention. Often, it’s to be right, to shame the other person, and/or to prove them uninformed or ignorant. Highlights from Episode #78: Welcome to Episode 78, where we’ll cover the question of whether someone else is responsible if you get triggered. Vicki takes a moment to clarify what she means by “triggers.” [00:39] Vicki addresses how triggers are related to boundaries, specifically the listening boundary. She then explains why she has been reluctant to talk about this question of triggers, and why she’s covering it now. [07:39] We hear about a conversation that Vicki had with her publisher related to using the word “bitchy,” and a seemingly hypocritical decision that could have been a trigger, but wasn't. [10:29] When we get triggered (like by one of the words Vicki has been talking about), who is responsible? Vicki then talks about the idea in that currently in the US there is a lot of external pressure to hold certain attitudes or to be educated in specific ways in order to be accepted or considered "woke." [19:06] You have a right to your opinion and to ask people to do things differently. [22:40] Triggers aren’t universal; they’re unique to each person and even situation. Vicki offers examples to clarify. [24:09] Vicki offers specific advice for what to do when you feel triggered and want to critique the other person. [28:36] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram Clarity Circle Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender by David R. Hawkins M.D. Ph.D Pia Mellody Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 37: The Listening Boundary Part I Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 39: The Listening Boundary Part 2: How It Works Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 40: The Listening Boundary Part 3: High Quality Listening = Higher Quality Responses Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 32: Boundaries Quick Tips #1: So, You’re Offended? Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 19: When They Go Low… We Go Lower

Happy Thanksgiving! This episode is coming out just in time to help you navigate the complexities of holidays in the time of COVID-19 (although the points about safety are always relevant). As we explore this new complex landscape, let's take some time to talk about boundaries, agreements, and the freedom to choose.    Biggest Takeaways From Episode #114: When you hear words like “let” or “made” (in the sense of “making” someone do something), they often indicate that the person using them doesn’t fully understand how boundaries work. If you make a request and someone else freely agrees, no one is being “made” to do anything. And the act of making a request isn’t controlling, because it recognizes the freedom that the other person has to make their own decisions. During the pandemic, we’re faced with many dilemmas as we navigate what to do based on what the people around us are doing (or not doing).  Remember that you get to decide what’s best for you, and for the people in your care. Other people also get to decide what’s best for them, including requiring that you get tested before you come to their house.   Highlights from Episode #114: Welcome back to the show! Today’s episode was inspired by a listener’s question about how to  apply boundaries around different perceptions of safety regarding COVID-19. [00:39] Vicki responds to the listener, complimenting her boundary work and pointing out that parents are responsible for their children’s safety. [04:25] We hear about where the listener’s question becomes a little bit confusing—and why her opportunity to negotiate boundaries will go on for years or decades. [13:18] Vicki explores one of the most challenging parts of boundaries during COVID-19, and returns to addressing questions of freedom and control. [17:03] You are the decider for what is best for you and the people in your care. [22:38]   Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on Spotify

Lately, have you noticed a sense of collective exhaustion, sadness, and impatience? Right now, it may feel like there’s not a lot to celebrate. This is especially true with the holidays coming up, since they're going to look much different than usual this year. With everything going on, you might feel like you want to quit, because what’s the point? If this resonates with you, it may be time for you to take a rest. Tune in to learn what this may look like for you.   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #113: At this time, it’s normal to feel exhausted or depleted. When you feel like quitting something that has brought you joy or will bring you joy in the future, take the time to find ways to rest rather than quit. Quitting may look like anything from not putting up a tree or holiday decorations this year, dropping out of school, or leaving a relationship.  What’s causing you to want to quit? That may be the thing that you need to take a rest from. This may be watching the news—or even spending too much time thinking about things that put you in a state of fear. It can be valuable to let yourself consider quitting, or envision what quitting would look like, because this may help point you to how you can rest instead of quit.   Highlights from Episode #113: Vicki welcomes listeners to the show and introduces today’s topic, which was inspired by a workshop she attended last week. She then offers some valuable advice about Zoom meetings. [00:39] We hear about Vicki’s sense of witnessing collective exhaustion and impatience, and how that relates to this episode. [05:45] Vicki offers some examples of what it looks like to rest rather than quit, ranging from quitting school to leaving a relationship. [10:55] We often keep relationships going in our minds even after they’re over. Vicki gives a recommendation about getting in alignment with what you truly want. [19:12] The most tragic example of choosing quitting over resting is the decision to take one’s own life. If you’re feeling this way, please find someone to talk to right now. At a minimum, figure out how to take a rest to see if there’s another option for you. [22:49] Vicki shares some final words of advice on why it’s so important to find ways to rest. [27:40]   Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on Spotify Byron Katie’s The Work

If you’ve ever gotten into an argument with someone else about the reality of a certain situation, or what “really happened,” this episode is for you. The fact is that your reality is what is true for you in the moment, and someone else having a different reality doesn’t mean that yours, or theirs, is either “correct” or “wrong.” Tune in to learn why it’s okay to disagree about reality, and why (as Terry Real says) there is no place for objective reality in relationships.   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #111: It’s very common for two people to experience the same situation or event very differently, and come away with different thoughts, emotions, or experiences. In the end, your reality is the only reality that you truly need—and it’s the only one you can have. This doesn’t mean that another person’s reality doesn’t matter, but you don’t need to come to an agreement about which one is “true” or “correct.” In a relationship, two people can share their realities with each other, and may or may not come to an understanding. But it’s not always necessary (or possible) to agree on what reality is. If you have a high need to agree about what happened, invite yourself to explore what comes up for you when you and your spouse see things in a fundamentally different way.   Highlights from Episode #111: Vicki welcomes listeners to today’s episode, which was inspired by several questions from a listener about coming to an understanding about reality.  [00:39] We hear the highlights and relevant questions that inspired this episode, which came in response to Vicki’s story from Episode #18 of the podcast. [04:09] Two people can have very different experiences of the same event, Vicki points out. [08:04] What exactly is reality? Vicki digs into the topic, and explores why reality is so subjective. [12:41] Vicki shares an example to explain her point about different realities. [16:20] There’s only one reality for you in any given moment: your reality. [20:29]   Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on Spotify Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #18 – The Knife & The Spatula: Knowing When to Keep Your Mouth Shut Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #1 – Boundaries: What They Are and Why They’re So Misunderstood (start here and work your way forward for the foundations of this podcast!) Fierce Intimacy: Standing Up to One Another with Love by Terry Real

The reality is that we violate other people’s boundaries all the time, and tell ourselves that we have a right to do it. But is that true? Is it ever okay to violate someone else’s boundaries? You may already know the answer as soon as you hear the question, but there are a lot of nuances to this complex topic, so we’ll take a deep dive into it.   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #109: If you have an agreement with another person about something that’s usually a boundary, such as an open phone policy between partners, it’s not a boundary violation. Each of us has a right to our bodies and our physical belongings (such as our phones, computers, or journals). We cannot control other people. If you try to control another person, you damage connection and intimacy. If you’re tempted to violate someone’s boundaries, be honest with yourself about what you’re really concerned about. Remember that other people are free to make their own choices—even if they are poor, unhealthy, or self-destructive choices. How will your intrusion into their circle of control be helpful to your relationship with them? When you have the power to protect yourself, do it! But if something you need or want relies on another person changing their behavior, you don’t have control over that.   Highlights from Episode #109: Vicki welcomes listeners to the show and shares the question at the heart of today’s episode: is it ever okay to violate another person’s boundaries? [00:39] We get a refresher on what boundary violations and ruptures are, with a few examples. [05:55] The listener question that inspired this episode relates to the physical boundary, Vicki explains. She then shares examples of times when we might be tempted to violate boundaries. [11:26] What do you do if you’re tempted to violate another person’s boundaries? [15:50] We often focus on trying to get more information, instead of what we can do to protect ourselves, Vicki explains. She then shares another consideration to take into account when you’re tempted to violate a boundary. [20:12] Vicki suggests a few questions to ask yourself when tempted to violate a boundary. [23:13] We all end up violating another person’s boundaries from time to time. However, there’s a cost to intimacy when we do that. [27:27]   Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on Spotify Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #1 – Boundaries: What They Are and Why They’re So Misunderstood (start here and work your way forward for the foundations of this podcast!) Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #3 – Boundaries in Balance (and at the Extremes) + Boundary Ruptures and Boundary Violations Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #19 – When They Go Low… We Go Lower Pia Mellody

So many people struggle to speak up or make a request to get their needs or wants met, so I tell you all the time that you can ask anyone for anything. But just as you have the freedom to ask, the other person has the freedom to say “no” if they so choose. (They can also say “yes” or negotiate a different agreement with you.) An email I received recently is a perfect example of both this freedom to ask, and the freedom to decline. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #107: It’s better to ask and get a “no” than to just not ask. Often, people will even be happy or excited to be able to do something for you. When you ask someone for something, the other person is completely free to say either “yes” or “no”—or to negotiate another agreement. A recent email inspired this episode, and gives me the opportunity to demonstrate how to receive a request and how to say “no” if the request doesn't work for you. Highlights from Episode #107: Vicki welcomes listeners to the episode, and explains the inspiration for today’s topic. [00:39] We hear about the three possible answers that someone can give when you make a request. [02:41] Vicki reads the email that she received recently that inspired this episode. [04:10] We hear a quick aside from Vicki to clarify that she absolutely wants women to respect and honor themselves before she continues to read the email. [09:13] Vicki completely agrees about the negativity of certain demeaning words, she explains. However, the name of the podcast is not at all the equivalent of calling women the B-word. [10:13] The name of the podcast was inspired by a quote that Vicki saw in 2015. [11:31] Vicki reiterates that you can ask for anything. In the case of the email request she received, the answer is “thank you for your feedback, and no. I wish you all the best.” [13:43]   Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on Spotify Blush

Have you ever felt disrespected by what someone chose to wear (or not wear) around you, your romantic partner, or other loved ones? And what should you do when someone else’s attire makes you feel uncomfortable? The sometimes-difficult truth is that you don’t control what other people wear, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have any options. Tune in to learn about your choices in this situation, and what’s within your circle of control.   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #106: We have complete power over the limits that we are able to create for ourselves. For example, if you decide that you want to live separately from another person, the only way to guarantee that will happen is for you to move somewhere else. If something requires the participation of another person, it’s not generally within your circle of control. The only power that you have to change another person’s behavior or get them to do something is to make a request. That other person then needs to agree to your request. As hard as it can be to accept, the way someone else dresses is completely up to that person. If you’re uncomfortable with how someone else is dressed, there are two basic things you can do. You can change what you do with regard to this person, or you can make a request.   Highlights from Episode #106: Welcome to this episode! Vicki introduces what today’s topic will be, and invites listeners to join her free live virtual event. [00:39] We hear the email that Vicki received that inspired the topic of this episode. [01:50] Vicki reviews some of the basics of how boundaries work. [05:43]  The listener who asked the question that inspired today’s episode may feel a little fearful or threatened, Vicki points out. [08:34] What would Vicki do if she were in this situation? She answers, then talks about how you might approach making a request in this example. [10:47] Vicki explains that in this situation, it comes down to “live and let live” while doing what you need to do to feel comfortable. [16:35] Vicki talks about being very honest with yourself and questioning whether your own thoughts are true. [18:22]   Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on Spotify Return + Reclaim + Receive (Vicki’s upcoming live event) Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #1 – Boundaries: What They Are and Why They’re So Misunderstood (start here and work your way forward for the foundations of this podcast!) The Work by Byron Katie

Almost all of us are struggling with the new landscape of our jobs right now. And in this sudden reality of working from home, it can be a challenge to set healthy work boundaries. Without the separation between home and office, you might be finding yourself working longer hours or feeling like you’re constantly on call. Tune in to learn how to establish healthy work boundaries and avoid letting “quarantine work creep” take over your life. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #105: Get started in managing quarantine work creep by figuring your employer’s expectations of you in terms of availability, communication, and job description. If you’re not sure or anything is unclear, ask! We train other people how to treat us. If your behavior is at odds with what you say about your availability, you’re demonstrating that you are available even during times you said you weren't. If you’re working on something and really want to finish it, there are some specific steps you can take to make sure your extra work isn’t taken for granted. But don’t expect to get paid extra for your own choice to work more if that isn’t part of your work agreement.   Highlights from Episode #105: Vicki welcomes listeners to this episode, and talks about her upcoming free live virtual event for women. She then begins exploring today’s topic: quarantine work creep. [00:39] You can set boundaries at work even if you’ve been at your job for a while and didn’t start off perfectly, Vicki explains. She then talks about where to start. [06:29] Vicki points out that for everything that isn’t explicitly stated to you as an expectation, you have a lot of freedom. [14:35] If you’re working remotely, Vicki highly recommends that you have a separate business phone number and business address. [19:50] Vicki invites listeners to ask themselves a hard question: “What was it that I wanted in that situation?”  [25:51] What if you’re working on something and are really excited to finish it? [27:53] Vicki talks about the best ways to have difficult conversations, and explores the reason why a lot of us have Zoom fatigue. [32:51] Do you have tips or suggestions around managing quarantine work creep? If so, head to the Beyond Bitchy website and share your ideas as comments on this episode. [35:15]   Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer September 2020 LIVE Gathering for Women (click link to sign up) Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path

If you’ve started using boundaries to try to control other people, congratulations! Your boundary skills are likely improving, and you have some knowledge of boundaries. That’s the good news. Now, the bad news: using boundaries to control isn’t a relational strategy, and leads to a loss of intimacy and connection. Plus, when we use boundaries to control, we miss a great learning opportunity to figure out what’s inside (and what’s outside) of our own circle of control. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #104: For most people, the idea of boundaries as controlling doesn’t come as a surprise. There are absolutely times and ways that boundaries can be used as control.  If you’re not being honest with yourself, it’s easy to say that you’re setting boundaries for your own protection when you’re actually using them to control. Making a request can be a subtle way to get another person to act differently around something that is not vital to the health or safety of the relationship, or a way to tell another person what to do. When you’re wondering whether you’re using boundaries to control, ask yourself whether you want to change is in your circle of control, or the other person’s circle of control. Next, ask yourself whether this is really a matter of safety. Highlights from Episode #104: Welcome to the episode! Vicki starts off with quick announcements about next week’s episode and an upcoming event. [00:39] Vicki digs into the topic of boundaries and control, and explains the three functions of boundaries. [03:42] What does it look like when boundaries are used to control? [08:47] Vicki shares an example of something she has done in the past around her husband’s driving, including how she used a request to control. [13:31] We hear another example of using boundaries for control. [18:38] Have you seen yourself anywhere in this land of using boundaries to control? Vicki offers some advice on what to do when you’re about to use a boundary to try to control. [23:49] Vicki provides more examples, and talks about how you can protect yourself instead of trying to control. [30:01] Vicki recaps the good news and the bad news about using boundaries to control. [32:35]   Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on Spotify Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #101 - What to Do When Loved Ones Don’t Wear a Face Mask (Pandemic Episodes)

One of the biggest misconceptions about boundaries is that they’re harsh, rigid, or mean, and that they damage intimacy. In fact, boundaries can absolutely be expressed in a gentle way. And that’s exactly what I’m going to talk about in detail today! I’ll share six easy and specific ways that you can express a limit gently. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #103: Sometimes we go from one extreme to another, going from struggling to say “no” to saying “no” frequently or in a way that’s difficult for other people to hear. Here are six ways you can express a limit gently: “Thanks, but I can’t.” (Then stop talking!) “That is so kind of you! But I can’t accept/do that today.” “I understand. I’m not able to do that.” Or, “I understand, but I can’t.” (Use this when you’re getting pushback or feeling baited.) “I hear you” or “I hear that.” (Use this when you’ve previously said “no” to the same request.) “Thanks for the opportunity. I’m not available, but I hope your event is fabulous!” “That’s a generous offer, but I’m not able to accept it. I’ll pass, but thank you so much.” Even though these responses are gentle, the recipient may still tell you that you’re being harsh. Your gentleness doesn’t guarantee a certain response.   Highlights from Episode #103: Vicki welcomes listeners to the episode and introduces its topic: whether boundaries can be gentle. She also shares a story from Sheri Winston, who was previously on the podcast. [00:39] It’s common to go from one extreme to the other, Vicki explains. [03:52] We hear what it sounds like when we haven’t found ways to express boundaries gently. [08:11] Vicki shares the first four of her strategies for expressing boundaries in a gentle way. [10:44] The recipient of these responses may still say you’re being harsh, Vicki points out, then shares the remaining strategies. [15:11] Each of Vicki’s strategies begins with an acknowledgment, and most have appreciation. [18:56] Vicki points out that you have no control over how the listener responds. [20:26]   Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on Spotify Clarity Circle Sheri Winston Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #17 - Yes, No & Maybe: Sexual Boundaries for Women with Sheri Winston Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #86 - 5 Ways to Have Fun with Boundaries

Women, do you fully understand the difference between making a request and expressing a desire? The concept of expressing a desire as an alternative to making a request is a relatively new one for me, and I want to explore it with you in depth today. I’ll give you some guidelines and suggestions that will help you understand both and learn to use whichever works best for your situation. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #102: Requests are always questions, and there are three possible responses: yes, no, or a negotiated alternative. It will serve you to train your ear to hear whether someone is actually making a request, which requires a question. Laura Doyle introduced me to the concept of “expressing desires in a way that inspires.” When expressing a desire, it needs to be a pure desire — about what you want, and does not include a "you" or "we," either directly or indirectly. Expressing a desire must also include detaching from the outcome. You may or may not receive the desire you expressed.  If an issue ranks at or above a 7/10 in terms of importance or is about your safety, a request is a better fit than expressing a desire. Highlights from Episode #102: Welcome to this episode! Vicki talks about what she’ll cover, and reminds listeners to visit her ongoing 30-day Facebook Live series. She also mentions her team at Pro Podcast Solutions, and announces that Beyond Bitchy is now available on Spotify!  [00:39] Vicki talks about the concept for today’s episode, where it came from, and how it relates to gender roles and potentially same-sex relationships. [03:29] Making a request is part of Step 4 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier. Vicki digs into this in more depth, and talks about how requests function. [06:04] In order to be really successful with making requests, you need to have some credit in your relationship “bank account.” [13:54] Vicki shifts into talking about expressing desires, a concept she got from Laura Doyle. [15:44] What are the rules and guidelines for expressing desires in a way that inspires? [20:42] Vicki shares a personal story as an example of expressing a desire not having a specific outcome. [25:34] We learn how to tell when to make a request instead of expressing a desire. [29:07]   Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on Spotify Clarity Circle Laura Doyle Pia Mellody Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #1 – Boundaries: What They Are and Why They’re So Misunderstood (start here and work your way forward for the foundations of this podcast!) Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #41 - Boundaries Quick Tips #3 | Demands & Requests: What’s the Difference? Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #42 - When Your Request Is Ignored Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #59 - When You Get Stuck on Making a Request

Has someone close to you made the decision not to wear a face mask? I experienced this recently, and  I know that many of you have faced this issue as well. Today’s episode is dedicated to the topic. To help you understand how you can respond to this situation, I’ll walk you through exactly what I did and said, how it turned out, and the choices you can make when you find yourself in a similar position. And a quick announcement: I’ll be holding another amazing live video call — Clarity Circle — on Friday, August 14th. Learn more sign up at this link! Biggest Takeaways From Episode #101: Should we wear a face mask even though they aren’t 100% effective? The fact is that 100% is not a metric we expect when dealing with situations affecting our safety. We make choices all the time around things that aren’t 100% effective, such as locking our doors at night, wearing seatbelts, and even using contraceptives. You can use the 5-Step Boundary Solution process to help you navigate situations in which someone close to you doesn’t wear a face mask. As you apply your new skills in situations like this, part of your work is to stay on your side of the street and maintain a respectful, warm connection with the other person. If you’re very triggered, it may help to express that you’re feeling that way and that you’d like to have some time and talk about it later. In the end, you get to be the decider and figure out what works for you and how to move forward.   Highlights from Episode #101: Vicki welcomes listeners to today’s episode and introduces its topic. She also reminds listeners about her 30-day Facebook Live event. [00:39] We hear about a recent experience that Vicki had involving face masks, as well as the recent hype in the news about face masks. [02:21] If masks aren’t 100% effective, does that mean we should just skip wearing them? [07:54] Vicki talks about what to do when a loved one doesn’t or won’t wear a mask, and shares more about her recent experience. [10:30] Vicki walks listeners through what she ended up doing in her encounter with someone close to her not wearing a mask. [18:47] We hear about how Vicki focused on knowing who this person is at heart, and some examples of her friend's self-described “paranoia.” [26:10] Vicki confesses another part of her response, which she isn’t as proud of. We also learn how the woman in question eventually responded. [30:08] The strength of Vicki’s strategy is that she left the “problem” to the other woman; she didn’t make a request or create a power struggle. [34:55] Have you ever picked up a new set of skills and then started using them to control, manipulate, or dominate? [43:47] Vicki points out that you ultimately get to be the decider to figure out how to move forward, and talks about a key factor that hangs people up around seeing their options. [46:26]   Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path Laura Doyle Pia Mellody Clarity Circle Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #1 – Boundaries: What They Are and Why They’re So Misunderstood (start here and work your way forward for the foundations of this podcast!)

I’m so grateful, amazed, and happy to be here releasing episode #100 of the podcast! And I’m truly humbled by some of the responses I’ve received, and the impact this podcast has had on listeners. Let’s celebrate by looking back on how all this came to be, and exploring some powerful concepts around quality over quantity and creating transformation one choice at a time. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #100: This podcast came from a quick decision, and was launched within a couple months. Since then, it’s been downloaded in over 90 countries and has almost 600,000 unique downloads. One action, word, choice, or thought can have immense power, while a thousand other actions or choices can be essentially meaningless. It’s all about quality over quantity. It’s important to deliberately choose what we engage in. Simple choices followed by minute-by-minute choices and actions can be incredibly powerful. I’d like to invite you to find something in yourself that wants to be spoken, expressed, or acted upon, and take the next baby step toward fulfilling it. Highlights from Episode #100: Welcome to Episode #100 of the Beyond Bitchy podcast! Vicki chats briefly about her 30-day Facebook Live event before explaining what she’ll talk about in today’s episode. [00:39] Vicki talks about how the podcast came to be. [03:24] This episode was partially inspired by one of her favorite chapters of The Dhammapada, Vicki explains, and reads a few short verses. [08:27] Vicki ties the concept of quality over quantity together with the theme of boundaries. [12:43] We hear about a post that Vicki recently saw on Instagram, and how she decided to join the conversation. [14:40] Vicki also loves the verses she shared because they hint at the hope of redemption and transformation. [18:07]  This podcast was a simple choice, then a series of choices and actions. Vicki invites listeners to  take the next baby step. [21:46] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path The Dhammapada

Can you believe that next week will already be Episode #100? Wow! Stay tuned for something special. But for now, let’s talk about a topic inspired by the listener questions archive. Even if you love to get up close and personal with others, there has probably been a time when you wanted someone to just back off and give you space. And yes, this even applies during the pandemic! Tune in to learn how to navigate this situation and create the space you need.   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #99: Both during this pandemic and after it, we’ll encounter people who don’t give us as much space as we would like. Many of us tend not to take or ask for more space because we don’t want to be rude or hurt someone’s feelings. This is a self-defeating mindset, because you’re prioritizing what you think someone else’s feelings may be over your own needs. You can use non-verbal methods to create space, like putting your shopping cart behind you in line, or sticking your purse, elbow, or foot out to expand your space. Another option is to be more animated, making larger movements with your arms or body. If you want to say something, try “excuse me, I need a little bit more room, could you move over/back up a little bit?” Make sure you don’t place the blame by saying “you’re too close” or “you’re crowding me”; make it all about yourself and your needs, then make your request.   Highlights from Episode #99: Vicki welcomes listeners to the episode and mentions her 30-day Facebook Live event. [00:39] We hear the listener question that inspired today’s episode. [04:10] Vicki digs into the poignant aspect of the question in light of the current situation with the pandemic. [09:48] What do you do when you’re the person on the receiving end of just a bit too much closeness from another person? [14:55] Vicki talks about several options for what you can do when you notice you need more physical space. [17:19] We learn about an option that involves just letting someone else go ahead of you. [21:37] One of the best-kept secrets about boundaries is that they’re about getting space. [24:54]   Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #1 – Boundaries: What They Are and Why They’re So Misunderstood (start here and work your way forward for the foundations of this podcast!)

It’s important to speak your authentic truth, but that doesn’t mean you should do so blindly or recklessly. Today, I want to share seven questions to ask yourself before sharing your authentic truth with someone else to get clarity and ensure that you’re doing it in a relational way.    Biggest Takeaways From Episode #98: It isn’t always easy to share our authentic truth. We may not even know what it is, or we may be unwilling to admit to ourselves what it is. Or we may mistake a knee jerk reaction for our authentic truth, or feel unworthy or like it’s not important. Not sharing your authentic truth in a relational way with another person might mean you miss the opportunity to experience more intimacy with them. But we don’t need to express every belief or opinion we have. There are seven questions you can ask yourself to get clarity about speaking your truth to other people in a relational way. #1: Do I want to be heard? #2: Can this person hear me? #3: What response do I expect to hear? #4: Am I wanting to poke the bear? #5: Do I need to express myself, regardless of the response that I get? #6. Can I express what I want to say in such a way that it’s completely about me, rather than the other person? #7. Would it be possible for me to wait for 24 hours before expressing this emotion or thought?   Highlights from Episode #98: Welcome to Episode 98 of the podcast. Vicki starts off by discussing The Radiant Threefold Path, speaking your authentic truth, and her 30-day Facebook Live event. [00:39] Today’s episode is all about your authentic truth, Vicki explains, and lists some reasons why it may be difficult to share yours. [06:10] Vicki explores her phrasing “share your authentic truth in a relational way.” [10:59] We hear about The Four Agreements and their relevance to what Vicki is sharing today. [13:28] Vicki begins sharing the seven questions that you can ask yourself to get clarity about sharing your authentic truth. [19:30] We learn the fourth through sixth of Vicki’s questions to ask yourself. [24:56] Vicki’s last question involves waiting for 24 hours before sharing your authentic truth. She explains how this tool can help. [32:24] Vicki quickly recaps the seven questions that she has covered in today’s episode. [36:29]   Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #37 – The Listening Boundary Part I Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #39 – The Listening Boundary Part 2: How It Works Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #40 – The Listening Boundary Part 3: High Quality Listening = Higher Quality Responses Atomic Habits by James Clear

Last week’s episode was a marathon, so I'm going to balance it out this week with a quick tips episode. This one was inspired by a listener’s question that came from a miscommunication around something I said about children having the right to choose their friends. The miscommunication brings up a broader point about checking things out, which I want to explore as a relational tool.   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #97: Young children do not get to decide who their friends are. When I said in a prior episode that children decide who their friends are, I was referring to children as they get into their teen years, as well adult children. As parents, it’s our responsibility to protect and hold boundaries for our young children. When we hear someone say something, or even hear secondhand about something someone said, we often believe that is what they actually said, when often that is not the case.  When you hear something that causes a large internal negative reaction, check it out with the other person. This means saying, “This is what I heard you say. Did I hear you right? Did you really mean it that way?” This method of checking out what someone said is also another option for how to respond to bait.   Highlights from Episode #97: Vicki welcomes listeners to today’s episode, and shares the question from a listener that inspired it. [00:39] Young children don’t get to decide who their friends are, Vicki clarifies. [02:51] We hear about the bigger issue of checking things out. [06:46] Vicki shares a recent personal example of a case where she had the opportunity to check out something she was told. [09:29] Checking out something that you’ve heard is a quick relational tool and can be a helpful response when you’re feeling baited. [11:53]   Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #95 – Don’t Bite the Bait! How to Respond When You’re Feeling Baited

This special episode is a little different than usual! Last week, I did a live call to answer the massive backlog of listener questions from the podcast, and this episode is a recording of that call. If you’ve ever submitted a question, tune in since I might have answered yours directly. And if you haven’t, I’m going over such a broad range of questions that you’ll still find something relevant to you. So settle in with a cup of tea, and enjoy! Biggest Takeaways From Episode #96: There are themes in the boundary-related questions that I’ve gotten over the years. One example is that somebody in your life is doing (or not doing) something that really bothers you, or that you’re doing something that really bothers another person and you’re struggling to accept their reaction. Another theme that comes up is what to do if someone you know has a specific condition or diagnosis. During this episode (and beyond!), listen for what you can relate to, and how my answer can apply to your unique situation. If someone isn’t making a request directly, it’s not really a request. “You should take the garbage out” is an opinion, not a request. It’s a boundary violation to insist on having your way with another person’s body. This applies to sexual relationships with your partner. Maybe less obviously, it also applies to interactions with children, who should have the right to refuse an unwanted hug or touch.   Highlights from Episode #96: Welcome to this episode, which will be a little different! [00:39] Vicki lists some ways you can get your question answered in the future. She then talks about the themes she gets in questions about boundaries. [04:25] We hear some quick tips on how to handle the common themes that Vicki has just discussed, starting with what to do when someone is doing something that bothers you. [11:49] Vicki moves onto the second category: something you’re doing (or not) that bothers someone else. She then talks about the third theme: dealing with conditions or diagnoses. [16:20] Vicki lists the specific categories of topics that she’ll talk about today. [19:40] Today’s first question is about a social invitation during the pandemic. [20:39] Vicki points out that every person who owns or controls a space has a right to decide how someone shows up in that space. [27:49] We move onto dealing with questions around long-term relationships and marriage. The first question comes from someone with a sensitive spouse who makes many requests. [30:35] The next question about long-term relationships involves narcissistic partners. [39:48] Vicki shares the next question, which comes from a highly accomplished listener who wants advice on having a business with a romantic partner. [42:55] We hear a question about physical and sexual boundaries. [47:34] Vicki goes over a few questions with very quick answers. The first comes from a listener who has strong negative reactions to requests from strangers. [53:49] The next quick-answer question involves a partner who has broken boundaries in the past. [57:43] Vicki tackles a controversial topic: boundaries related to race and culture. [62:05] We hear a question from another culture about men being held responsible for how their wives look or dress. [68:33] What do you do when somebody is upset with you? Today’s question on this theme involves a disagreement between friends. [72:00] Vicki moves onto discussing a question about teaching boundaries to children. [76:00] The next question is about adult children setting boundaries with parents. [81:59] Vicki wraps things up by taking a moment to thank listeners. [87:34] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram Clarity Circle Replay Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #87 – How COVID-19 is Giving Us a Master Class on Boundaries (Part 2) Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #37 – The Listening Boundary Part I Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #81 – Diagnostic Distractions: When Someone You Love is NPD, MEM, ADHD, Bi-Polar, etc. Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #64 – Boundaries Quick Tips #9: Is Sex a “Need” Your Partner Must Fulfill for You? Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #95 – Don’t Bite the Bait! How to Respond When You’re Feeling Baited