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Sex Addiction Edition of the Betrayal Trauma SOS Podcast What is sex addiction and might you or a loved one be struggling with sex addiction? In this sex addiction podcast episode, we will take a whole body approach.  Let’s discuss how sex addiction affects people physically, emotionally and spiritually.  I’ll even share my horcrux addiction theory.  We'll discuss: What is sex addiction?Why is it important to be informed about sex addiction?  Is sex addiction legit???? Learn how sex addiction affects the user physically.How can sex addiction affect the user emotionally?Learn how sex addiction affects the user spiritually.Sex Addiction Horcrux Theory Key Quotes from this week's episode: Fight the New Drug says that, “ Porn happens to be fantastic at forming new, long-lasting pathways in the brain. In fact, porn is such a ferocious competitor that hardly any other activity can compete with it, including actual sex with a real partner. That’s right, porn can actually overpower the brain’s natural ability to have real sex! Why? As Dr. Norman Doidge, a researcher at Columbia University, explains, porn creates the perfect conditions and triggers the release of the right chemicals to make lasting changes in the brain…. Repeated consumption of porn causes the brain to literally rewire itself. It triggers the brain to pump out chemicals and form new nerve pathways, leading to profound and lasting changes in the brain….” Neurosurgeon Donald Hilton challenges the idea that drugs are only things that you can purchase: “Why is it that some consider adrenaline and dopamine to be drugs if drug companies produce them, yet they will not acknowledge these same chemicals to be drugs if pornography stimulates the brain to produce them?” From Fight the New Drug, “The rise in porn-induced erectile dysfunction is something to be alarmed about.  Frequently watching porn can lead to erections which can increasingly ONLY be induced by hardcore pornography.  That’s not healthy.”  The following is from a Brannon Patrick Instagram post, “Addiction is a deathless death, it numbs the pain and the joy.” The following is a quote from Clay Olsen, who is the Co-Founder & President of Fight the New Drug.  Clay says, “Having a healthy perspective of yourself, and a healthy amount of self-esteem and confidence is very important in maintaining a healthy lifestyle overall. The fantasy of porn tends to take away from that and give consumers the idea that they’re not good enough exactly as you are. We fight against that, and we fight to say that you are worth loving, and you are good enough.” From the book Love You, Hate the Porn by  Mark Chamberlain and Geoff Steurer they say, Pornography’s “ultimate price: When he’s going to it, he’s not going to her.”  The same can be said of women and can be reworded, “when she’s going to it, she’s not going to him.”   SOURCES Donald L. Hilton Jr., MD speaks to Youth and Parents about Pornography and its impact on the Brain Brain, Heart, World (3 online videos) Is Addiction a Choice Or a Disease? Therapy Brothers podcast Brannon Patrick Instagram Post about how Addiction Isn’t Just Compulsive Behavior How Porn Changes the Brain (Fight the New Drug) American Society of Addiction Medicine (addiction quote) The Coolidge Effect (Wikipedia) Treating Sexual Addiction: A Compassionate Approach To Recovery by Dr. Kevin Skinner (Affiliate link) He Restoreth My Sould: Understanding and Breaking the Chemical and Spiritual Chains of Pornography Through the Atonement of Jesus Christ by Donald L. Hilton (Affiliate link) Love You, Hate the Porn by Mark Chamberlain & Geoff Streurer (Affiliate Link) Everything You Know About Addiction Is Wrong Ted Talk by Johann Hari  Rat Park) 2 Samuel Chapter 11 Psalms 51: 2, 3, 9-11 Revelations 12:7 Third Part of the Hosts of Heaven Explanation by Ask Gramps Matthew 17:14-21 Matthew 12:43-45 GET HELP From Sex Addiction by ExploringThese Resources: *Highly recommended to get specialized help.  Certified Sex Addiction Therapists are trained in sex addiction.  Find a Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist (CSAT) here. No Fap (forums, groups, paid support groups) Pure Life Ministries Lifestar Network Addo Recovery Fortify Path For Men Pure Life Ministeries Lifestar Network- (IOP) Intensive Outpatient Program Sexaddict.com Dr. Doug Weiss (Intensives, counseling) 12 Step Programs: Sexaholics Anonymous Sex Addicts Anonymous SA Lifeline Addiction Recovery Program (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) Healing Through Christ

Working Through Strong Emotions is something that everyone has to deal with at times. For those of us who deal with betrayal trauma due to the sex addiction of a loved one we often times have an added struggle.   Emotions!  When betrayal trauma hits, emotions can be all over the place. “traumatized people chronically feel unsafe inside their bodies: The past us alive in the form of gnawing interior discomfort.  Their bodies are constantly bombarded by visceral warning signs, and, in an attempt to control these processes, they often become expert at ignoring their gut feelings and in numbing awareness of what is played out inside.  They learn to hid from their selves." Besel Van Der Kolk As we can see with soldiers, how we deal with emotions can easily and understandably swing too far one way or the other. It's like a pendulum. We can go too far one way and too far another. The hope is that we can learn to be more centered. Emotions aren’t bad or good, they just are.   From the website Thought Catalog, this quote is by Anna Gragert “When I started going to therapy, it was pointed out to me that I label my emotions as either “positive” or “negative.” In response to positive emotions, I push myself to stay on the train of happiness. As for negative emotions, I tend to push them away and feel as if I caused my own demise. Obviously, this is not healthy, but I feel that a lot of us tend to do this. We do not want to deal with painful emotions, which is why we throw ourselves into our work or paste a fake smile upon our faces.” (Thought Catalog post written by Anna Gragert) Toxic Positivity Have you ever had someone tell you, when you are in the middle of severe emotional distress, things in an effort to help that go something like this, “You can choose happiness right now!” “It's alright, you just need to keep going.” “You need to focus on positive things.” “Just be positive.” “You’re so lucky that  _________ didn’t happen to you.” And more. Might I suggest boundaries with those who have yet learned to "mourn with those who mourn and comfort those who stand in need of comfort." That's from Mosiah 18: 8- 10. (Take what you like and leave the rest.) In case it’s validating for anyone, I’ll link a Hope Works Video: titled Mourn With Those That Mourn to see healthy ways of addressing someone going through hard things. Another valuable resource might be Episode 4 of the Betrayal Trauma SOS Podcast titled: Why Your Story Matters and How To Safely Share it. Likewise though, we can also apply toxic positivity to ourselves. We might expect that we should be to a certain point in our healing, or we might think that we should not feel something in particular. It's easy to undervalue the impact of our experience and/ or what we think the effects of betrayal trauma should be. Can I suggest that we take out the “I should’s” and seek for acceptance of what is. This is brave to face. Honoring Emotions Emotions need to be honored. In this episode I discuss a personal story of how I had no tears after our formal disclosure and how honoring anger was key to my healing. (Listen for the full story.) My 5 Basics For Handling STRONG Emotions are: In regards to honoring emotions vs. indulging in emotions: Dr. Jonice Webb quote “Honoring an emotion involves sitting with it, accepting it and trying to understand it. For some emotions, going through the process of honoring it is enough to make it tolerable.” Dr. Webb then goes on to talk about some people being stuck at this point and talks about moving towards action. To hear more details, please listen to the entire episode. Let’s heal together.    XO Jeni SOURCES: The Body Keeps the Score by Besel Van Der Kolk (affiliate link) Emotions Aren’t Good Or Bad, They Just Are by Anna Gragert Mosiah 18:8-10 Episode 4: Why Your Story Matters and How To Safely Share it (Betrayal Trauma SOS Podcast) Mourn With Those That Mourn- Hope Works Video  Scriptures about Jesus cleansing the temple: John 2: 13-16 Episode 3: First Aid Kit + a Body Scan (Betrayal Trauma SOS Podcast) Amy Andrus Video On the Feelings Wheel Feelings Wheel The Difference Between Honoring an Emotion and Indulging In It by Jonice Webb PhD

How To Help a Loved One With a Sex  Addiction We can't "fix" our loved ones, but there are things that we can do. A few topics that we will discuss in this Betrayal Trauma SOS podcast episode are: 1- Learning About Sex Addiction 2- Keeping things shame free 3- Setting Boundaries  4- Strengthening Intuition “Intuition is not a single way of knowing - it's our ability to hold space for uncertainty and our willingness to trust the many ways we've developed knowledge and insight, including instinct, experience, faith and reason.”  Brene Brown 5- Surrendering SOURCES  The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown (affiliate link) Betrayal Trauma SOS Instagram post regarding porn being a needle Betrayal Trauma SOS Podcast episode 8: Intuition You Were Right and You Knew It Betrayal Trauma SOS Podcast episode 11: Boundaries When Your Spouse Has a Sex Addiction Betrayal Trauma SOS Podcast episode 13: The POWER of Surrendering

Have you wondered how to teach children about pornography? Me too friend. This week's podcast episode is all about raising porn addiction resistant children/ This episode stems from a question from last week’s Q & A: “Hi Jeni!  I have a question for you: how do you raise sex addiction resistant children?  I think about having kids and I worry about them suffering from the same demons that my husband does.  I worry about them picking up not safe emotional habits.”  I want to say thank you so much for this beautiful question.  I have many of the same concerns and am actively looking for ways to help my 6 children with these very things.  Basically, I’m in the trenches with you. What does porn do to children’s brains?   Neurosurgeon Donald Hilton says this: “Our brain cells change with learning. Addictive learning sculpts the brain in a very damaging way and we can become very set in certain behaviors and tastes. When there is a reward like pornography, that's a specially powerful printing process. The brain doesn't forget that. A 12- year-old who sees hardcore porn is going to say 'Wow that was amazing'. Sometimes children may be frightened, but the fascination overcomes the fright eventually. One thing our brain wants is novelty, change. It wants a different face, a different body shape. Boys, and increasingly girls, are struggling with porn. They literally surf for hours looking for the perfect clip to masturbate to. There is a lot of scientific evidence that sex can, and in particular Internet porn, be addictive. It's like a blackjack game, it's a different set of cards every time.” The thing is, it's not IF children will see porn, it's WHEN.   In a talk titled "A Sin Resistant Generation" by Joy D. Jones, she talks about a critical understanding when she says, “We must understand our—and their—divine identity and purpose before we can help our children see who they are and why they are here. We must help them know without question that they are sons and daughters of a loving Heavenly Father and that He has divine expectations of them.” We discuss Rat Park in today's episode as well. We talk about the ROOT of addiction, which is lack of connection. How do we make it safe for children to share their feelings in our home so that they can ultimately connect in healthy ways with others. This week we also discuss the skill of making feelings safe. In regards to this, we discuss the following quote from Katy Willis, “When I finally learned that each one of us has the right to feel and that we can validate the other person without also having to validate the drama, the distortions, the story… it has completely changed the way I approach others.” Something else that we can’t miss in this process is how do we talk to our children about sex and sexuality? Of course this is incredibly personal per family but I’ll share what we are working on. We'll additionally talk about: Talking about sex in age appropriate ways Taking shame OUT when talking about sex to children How to talk about sex frequently When Talking About Pornography, here's a few things that we teach our children: 1- Name it (That's pornography) 2- Crash (Turn off any devices, close a magazine, etc.) 3- Tell (Talk to a trusted adult- like a parent) 4- Recognize that no matter how it made you feel, you aren’t bad. Take the shame out. What To Do When Your Child Tells You That They’ve Seen Porn If one of my children comes and tells me that they have seen porn,  Know that there are many levels of porn use and it doesn’t mean that they are addiction.  Of course, it doesn’t mean that there’s not addiction.  Staying curious is critical. The pattern for my response looks like this: 1- Validate them as a person- bravery- Thank them for trusting me with such hard information. 2- Normalize emotions and desires (not actions.) 3-  Teach correct principles when needed without shame.   4- Determine what support they need and follow through 5- Love, love love SOURCES: A Sin Resistant Generation by Joy D. Jones Everything You Think You Know About Addiction Is Wrong- Ted Talk- Johann Hari Children’s Brain Cells Changed by Internet Porn: Neurosurgeon God Made All of Me by Justin S. Holcomb (affiliate link) What Should I Do When I See Pornography video by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints Good Pictures Bad Pictures: Porn Proofing Today’s Young Kids by Kristen A. Jensen & Gail Poyner (affiliate link) Good Pictures Bad Pictures Jr: A Simple Plan to Protect Young Minds by Kristen A. Jensen 7 Gail Poyner (affiliate link) Fireproof (movie- affiliate link)

Episode 14: Q & A I appreciate all of the questions submitted for this Q &A episode. In this Betrayal Trauma SOS podcast episode, I answer your questions about: If I am still married to the person who betrayed me.What the lines are for staying with your spouse after betrayal.How to tell if an addicted spouse is being honest or not?How to raise children who are resistant to sex addiction?Can I ever recover from betrayal trauma?Is there a way to keep from running?Can I forgive myself for betraying my spouse? I greatly appreciate the thoughtful questions that were submitted for this Q & A. Sources: Divorce by Elder Dallin H. Oaks Addiction Recovery Program Step 8: Be Firm and Steadfast The Body Keeps the Score by Besel Van Der Kolk (affiliate link) (8)Betrayal Trauma SOS podcast: Episode 8: Boundaries When Your Spouse Has a Sex Addiction UCAP Presentation- Betrayal Trauma, Hope and Healing: How Do I Find My Way Out?  Sherie Christensen (7) Episode 7: I Am Sacred (11) Episode 11: Boundaries When Your Spouse Has a Sex Addiction (13) Episode 13: The Power of Surrendering Brene Brown:  3 Things You Can Do to Stop a Shame Spiral (Oprah’s Lifeclass)

The POWER of Surrendering outcomes when your loved one has a sex addiction. Feeling weighed down? Do thoughts of your loved one's addiction consume your thoughts? I relate. Let's explore how to function from a place of peace in this week's episode: The POWER of SURRENDERING. NOTE: Next week I will be doing a Question and Answer episode.   I welcome recovery and/ or personal questions regarding my own recovery by contacting me on Instagram, Facebook, or from the contact tab on the betrayaltraumasos.com website.  I certainly don’t have all of the answers but can offer what I have learned as well as consult with others who are farther ahead in recovery.  I do pledge confidentiality and anonymity.  I have definitely tried to control my husband’s addiction.  For the first 17.5 years of our marriage, I thought I was being a great wife by almost never withholding sex, and oftentimes offering it more often.  Imagine my shock as we sat in a formal disclosure with our therapist to learn that not only had I not controlled his addiction with sex, but I also made it worse.  With eyes wide open that I was truly powerless, I was able to make better choices and set better boundaries.  Episode 5 titled: You Can’t Fix Sex Addiction With Sex goes into more detail about that issue if you’d like to check that out. The WHY WHY do we try to control?  That question carries with it heart-wrenching answers.   The why is important and too often we focus on the resulting behaviors without looking deeper.  When we don’t look at the why, it is easy to start living in a breeding ground for shame.  The why helps us to stay curious and to be gentle with ourselves as we strive to change our shape. Motives for control might include financial repercussions, a desire for connection, the desire to not suffer heartbreaking consequences, to rescue our loved ones and more. I truly thought that I was controlling the outcome of my husband’s addiction, but in all reality, it was not true.  I had zero power and in the process of trying to control, I became miserable.   SURRENDER Here’s a question for each of us to consider: What would life look like if we could let go of control and really live life again?  What hobbies might we take up, what friendships might we cultivate, and what would our homes look like?  It’s lovely to dream sometimes. It is possible to live the dream and to find power in surrendering. From the book Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender by David R. Hawkins, he says this, quote “the more you pull on the rope to hitch yourself up to where you want to be, the more frazzled it becomes.  Possibly, you might be wondering, “Isn’t there an easier, better way?” Are you willing to let go of the rope?” What’s the solution then?  How can we live life more fully?  What can we do to no longer live in fear? What can we do to let go of our frayed and frazzled ropes?  One tool that can be helpful in recovery is that of surrender.  Letting go of the rope looks different for everyone. For me, surrender is more of a process and is a continual effort.  I’m learning that when I can identify the roots of fear, I can identify what to work on surrendering the outcome.   The Process of Surrender Doesn’t the thought of living in peace sound lovely?  *sigh* I agree.  To live in peace is a strong desire of mine, but how do we do that?  How do we achieve that level of serenity? How do people actually surrender? Oftentimes it’s easy to get lost in the big picture of our situations. In this episode, we'll discuss the song "The Next Right Thing," from Frozen 2 as it relates focusing on the next step instead of the overwhelming big picture. Along these lines, is the concept of Daily Bread.  When we choose to rely day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute and sometimes even breath by breath on God, we surrender control to Him.  Join me in discussing different ways that people surrender. The Ultimate Surrender For those who believe in Christian doctrine as I do, I cannot leave this subject without discussing the ultimate act of surrender and that to me is Jesus Christ.  Again, take what you like and leave the rest.  Jesus said, “Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.”   On a much smaller scale, I certainly relate with this feeling.   In my own small way, I too have not wanted to drink gall.  Who wants to experience broken covenants that accompany broken hearts?  Who wants to experience physiological changes in their brains that hijack their nervous systems and create unwanted responses?  If we could avoid the gall presented to us, or pray that reality away, or heal instantly, certainly we would.  After all, who wants to know the pain of betrayal or the subsequent trauma?  The times when I have said, “Thy will be done,” and meant it, have been defining moments in my relationship with God. Closing Surrender for me has looked like walking out the door, when I was fairly certain that my husband would act out in his addiction and I would be subject to the consequences  It has looked like not using sex to manipulate my husband’s mood or to gain a false sense of connection.  At times when I don’t allow others to treat me like a welcome mat, I surrender the fear of becoming unneeded or unwanted.  When I practice self care, I surrender that I have needs, and so on.  Surrender for me is striving to be today as I become grateful for my reliance on daily bread instead of miraculous solutions.  It is accepting with ample compassion that I am not and cannot be perfect at this time. Let's heal together. XOXO Jeni SOURCES Betrayal Trauma SOS Social Media: Instagram, Facebook Episode 12: Grace To Heal From a Loved One’s Sex Addiction Episode 5: You Can’t Fix Sex Addiction With Sex   Intimate Deception Dr. Sheri Keffer (affiliate link) S-Anon 12 Steps- Blue Book (affiliate link) The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown (affiliate link) Episode 7: I Am Sacred Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255 TIPSA- Trauma Inventory for Partner’s of Sex Addicts Treating Trauma From Sexual Betrayal by Dr. Kevin Skinner (affiliate link) Exodus chapter 16 Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread- BYU Devotional- D. Todd Christofferson The Next Right Thing (Youtube video) Frozen 2- the movie (affiliate link) 3 Key Elements events SA Lifeline What Can I Do About Me by Rhyll Anne Croshaw (affiliate link) Luke 22:42

Grace is my favorite tool for healing from... anything but especially betrayal trauma. The key element in my recovery from betrayal trauma that stems from my husband's sex addiction has certainly been grace and I'm happy to discuss that in this betrayal trauma podcast episode. Women's Stories of GRACE In Healing From Betrayal Trauma I am honored to welcome 9 women who share their personal experiences with grace as they heal from betrayal trauma. Their experiences have strengthened me and I look forward to sharing their beautiful stories of Grace in this episode Religions That Teach About Grace Grace, is a fundamental concept of Christianity, however, the more I looked into the concept of grace, the more I realized that it is found in many religions and not just Christianity.  For instance, did you know that the Hebrew word that is similar to grace is chen?  I found that grace was also found in Hinduism, Islam, Buddhism and more. Something in me seems to melt when I hear or think about grace.  When reading the scriptures, and in particular, the New Testament, I highlight the word grace anytime I see it. My New Testament is littered with that beautiful word and I have wondered how it applies to me. Lately, I have contemplated how it applies to healing from betrayal trauma.  As I’ve actively looked for the role of grace in my recovery from betrayal trauma, I have seen it everywhere.  How stunning and wonderful to realize that grace was at the center of every tool and every healing principle.   Grace For the Brokenhearted Grace certainly has the ability to cleanse from sin, but today, I am addressing the heartbroken.  I know because I walk among you as one of your own.  Today, in regards to grace I will primarily focus on the enabling power of grace as it has healing properties.   I love this definition of grace from Sheri Dew’s book Amazed by Grace as she says, quote “What is Grace? Grace is divine, enabling power. Author and Pastor Max Lucado has a video about Grace and a book as well wherein he tells a story about a man named  Li Fuyan.  Mr. Fuyan had suffered from terrible headaches for 4 years.  Nothing had gotten rid of his headaches.  Nothing.  Finally, the doctors took an x-ray and discovered that a rusty four inch knife blade was in his skull.  Years earlier he had an altercation with a robber and had been attacked.  Mr. Fuyan did not know that the knife blade from the robber had broken off under his jaw and into his skull. Buried pain can be similar to the knife.  When we bring our pain to our higher power or God, we invite the surgeon to remove the proverbial knife.   Surgery and recovery are not typically pleasant experiences.  They take time, skill, and following directions from the surgeon.  As walking wounded, we have proverbial knives stabbed deep into our souls.  Removing them typically takes time, patience and a great deal of compassion.  In this episode, I also talk about ways that grace is healing my family from the consequences of sex addiction and betrayal trauma. SOURCES: Betrayal Trauma SOS Boundaries Video Amazing But Divergent Concepts of Grace Divine Grace- Wikipedia Amazed by Grace by Sheri Dew (affiliate link) Luke 4:18 and Isaiah 61:1 Max Lucado- Video on grace  Grace: More Than We Deserve, Greater Than We Imagine by Max Lucado (affiliate link) Episode 10: Facing Denial to Live in Truth Episode 11: Boundaries When Your Spouse Has a Sex Addiction  Pure Desires Ministries Conquer Series DVD Set Volume 1 Conquer Series DVD Set Volume 2 KATY WILLIS Be Still Yoga CoursesBe Still with Katy Willis on FacebookBe Still Services Website KAREN RELLOS: Betrayal Trauma Coach (APSATS Certified) Redeeming Love Website Redeeming Love on Instagram

Boundaries with my spouse who deals with sex addiction changed my life.  Maybe they will change yours too? While a few things in this episode are geared towards spouses who are married to someone that struggles with sex addiction, most of what we are discussing is applicable to other addictions as well.  Whether your spouse is addicted to drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc. you will likely find helpful information on boundaries in this episode. This week, I share a snippet of what my life looked like before and after learning about boundaries. When I’m employing boundaries, I don’t need to yell, shrink, threaten, or shame.  I recognize my worth and I recognize the worth of others as well. Groundwork for boundaries include:   A rock-solid personal understanding that God uses boundaries. An understanding that we are to cleave to one another and our covenants in marriage, but that we do so individually.Boundaries are best implemented when we have a strong community to support us.The concept that my marriage might be saved by implementing boundaries was empowering. They became a primary source in a rescue mission. I was being rescued, my husband was offered a life preserver and if he chose recovery, our marriage might be rescued as well. We'll discuss what boundaries with sex addiction are and what they aren't, and how they are ultimately about safety. This episode includes the House analogy for boundaries. I share my favorite insights about boundaries when your spouse struggles with sex addiction which include: Why boundaries are best when made with God and my personal experience with this.The power of personally tailoring boundaries to our loved ones, plus a personal example of when this was effective in my own lifeThe difference between firm boundaries vs. fluid boundaries.  I share my own insights on this, along with my friend's experiences.We will also explore why it's important to be gentle with ourselves as we learn and adjust our boundaries, and why it's important to place a boundary around disconnect.Detaching with love is also a topic in this episode, along with what to do when your spouse or loved one pushes back against boundaries. Betrayal Trauma SOS. Let's heal together. SOURCES: What Can I Do About Me by Rhyll Ann Croshaw (Affiliate link) Episode 7: I Am Sacred  Addiction Recovery Program- Step 8:  Be Firm and Steadfast  Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When To Say Yes, How To Say No To Take Control of Your Life by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend (Affiliate link) Beyond Breath by Sariah Bastian (Affiliate link) Prana Yoga  Episode 8 of Betrayal Trauma SOS: Intuition- You Were Right and You Knew It Ep. 8-Rhyll’s Story from the Rise Up Restored Podcast  Al-Anon- Detachment Document

Facing denial to live in truth is critical for anyone, but especially those of us who have a loved one that struggles with addiction. Let’s learn why it’s an important element to address when healing from betrayal.  Denial.  What is it and why do we need to be aware of it?  This podcast episode uses a parable from Deiter F. Uchtdorf about blind men feeling and describing different parts of an elephant. One feels the trunk and says that it must be snake-like, while another feels a leg and thinks it's more like a tree. Denial is like that. It's easy to have blinders on and only describe small parts of the big picture. We end up painting a false picture to ourselves and others. We can’t fix what we can’t see.  Shedding denial is a critical part of the healing process from betrayal trauma and other heartaches as well. My goal has become to live in truth.  However unappealing it may seem, living in truth helps me to have a clear picture so that I can make adjustments in my life.   For those of us who are suffering from trauma, living in truth is crucial because, as is talked about in The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk, it is important for us to integrate what has happened to us. The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk (affiliate link) Intimate Deception Dr. Sheri Keffer (affiliate link) It’s Not Supposed To Be This Way (affiliate link) What Is Truth (CES Devotional From 2013) Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Do you want to learn to communicate more effectively, and don't know where to begin. All who are seeking to learn communication skills will likely find things of worth in today’s episode. While this Betrayal Trauma SOS podcast episode is geared towards helping those who are struggling with betrayal trauma learn better ways to communicate, most things can be applied to many different scenarios.  Sometimes we have a message to convey that is very important to us, but it's as if we hit a wall when we try to communicate it.   Have you ever felt highly elevated when faced with a hard conversation?  I know that I sure have.  Hard things are going on with our bodies, and this can happen to anyone.  The basis of this episode stems from a talk given by Bonnie H. Cordon in the April 2020 General Conference for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  She talked about a time when her family hosted an apostle named Elder L. Tom Perry when she was 10 years old.  Late that night her mother asked if she had fed the chickens, and her cute response was that maybe the chickens should fast that night.  She didn’t want to leave the company of the apostle.  Of course that wasn’t acceptable, but Elder Perry had heard the exchange and offered to accompany her, along with his son to feed the chickens.   She ran ahead and after jumping over the irrigation ditch that she was use to encountering. Elder Perry hadn't been able to follow her light. He stepped right into the irrigation ditch. She says, "I was shining my light but not in a way that would help Elder Perry. Now, knowing that he needed my light to safely navigate the path, I focused the flashlight just ahead of his steps and we were able to return home with confidence.”  I am learning that I can do my best to show up to hard conversations and can navigate them better when I employ communication skills.  I’m still a work in progress, and what I share today is from my own experiences and studies to improve my own communication skills.  These 8 communication tools are what I am personally working on. More detail is provided in the podcast. Let's learn to communicate: Understanding what we hope to accomplish with our conversation. When we are crystal clear with what we are hoping to accomplish, we can better stay on track in our conversations. Organizing thoughts goes a long way.  When I take the time to organize my thinking before holding conversations, they tend to go much better. Knowing I am of worth and that the other person is also of worth.  It is not humility to be less or more than what we were created to be.  It’s important to know that in God’s eyes we are on equal ground.  No matter our station, we are all important.  Internalizing this concept helps us to value not just our own thoughts, but those of others as well.   Learning to be aware of our emotional state and use tools to stay grounded.  Whether we are highly elevated due to stress or trauma, becoming grounded can be a wonderful tool for being able to gain emotional stability and be able to re-engage in conversation from a more neutral place. Consider your emotional safety and the emotional safety of those you are communicating with. Consider that their response is about them. Of course, this takes practice and is easier said than done. It’s ok to be a work in progress. Consider boundaries in conversations. I’m planning a boundaries episode soon, so stay tuned for that. 8. Taking drama out of communication.  The goal is to stay out of drama as best as possible.  This is likely a lifelong pursuit and the more I dig, the more evidence I find regarding my role in drama.  It’s often very subtle and difficult to see.  The better I get at not engaging in drama, the healthier my relationships become. This week’s meditation will be on the Betrayal Trauma SOS Youtube page later this week.  I want to give a shout out to my friends who helped me make this week’s meditation regarding letting our light shine, something that I love.  Special thanks to Arianna Rees, who is a therapist trained life coach and is the host of the With Real Intent Podcast, and Katy Willis, who has many qualifications in regards to meditation and yoga plus a multitude of other things, a genuine thank you.   As I better learn to communicate,I have found many blessing. I would love to hear if any part of this week's Betrayal Trauma SOS episode has been beneficial in your life. XOXO Jeni SOURCES: Betrayal Trauma SOS Episode 2: Betrayal Trauma.  What is it? Betraya Trauma SOS Episode 3: First Aid Kit + a Body Scan Betrayal Trauma SOS Episode 8: Intuition- You Were Right and You Knew It  Bonnie H. Cardon- That They May See The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk (Affiliate Link) Brene Brown mantra Crucial Conversations by Patterson, Grenny, Mcmillan and Switzler (Affiliate Link) Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships (Nonviolent Communications Guide) by Marshall B. Rosenberg (Affiliate Link)

Intuition. You know that time that you knew that something was off?  You were right and your body knew it. *This episode is appropriate for anyone with a loved one who struggles with addiction. This includes alcoholism, drug abuse, gambling addiction and more. Let’s explore together about what intuition is and how to cultivate it. When I first began recovery from sexual betrayal, I would only make boundaries based on what I could prove.  I have a dear recovery friend who taught me that betrayal trauma recovery becomes richer when we can make boundaries based on our gut instinct, or intuition.  She was right and learning to do that drastically changed my life. The trick is that when addiction, sex addiction, porn addiction, etc is involved, we likely don’t have all of the facts.  That’s where intuition comes in.   While boundaries help protect us, when we are better in tune with our gut, we can make better boundaries. In fact, we can get to the point where we make boundaries that aren't based on what we see or hear for the most part. We can make them based on gut instinct. In this podcast, we will discuss 5 principles to strengthen gut intuition. How Faith Is Helpful With IntuitionLearning To Be StillCheckout It Out With PrayerLearning To Hear What Your Body SaysGaining knowledge Next week we are talking about finding your voice and how to use it so that it is heard.  I hope you’ll join me. If this episode has been helpful for you, then I hope you will consider subscribing, leaving 5 stars or consider sharing it with someone who might benefit.  Betrayal trauma sos can be found on facebook, instagram and at betrayal trauma sos.com. Let’s heal together. Sources: Photready_Pineapple on Instagram  Treating Trauma From Sexual Betrayal Dr. Kevin Skinner (Affiliate Link) Gifts of Imperfection Brene Brown  (Affiliate Link) Ether 12:6 Richard G. Scott “To Acquire Spiritual Guidance” David A. Bednar “Seek Learning By Faith” Docitrine and Covenant 8:2 Lifestar Network (not sponsored) Untamed Glennon Doyle (Affiliate Link)

I am sacred and so are you. Do you know how to discover your self worth for yourself? Sometimes that process can be elusive, but this episode walks you through various ways to experiment and to learn that you are sacred. Host Jeni Brockbank walks you through various concepts and offers her own journey to learning her divine worth. Once you learn that you are sacred, you know that others are sacred as well. While the Betrayal Trauma SOS podcast is typically geared towards those struggling with betrayal trauma, this self care podcast can be applied universally. All walks of life are welcome. Learn how to cultivate your own self worth with exercises and concepts that include: Not apologizing for your existence and learning that you have a right to be here. An example of apologizing for our existence might include saying something such as, "I am sorry that I am crying." This episode includes a warm and welcoming alternative to such statements.A body image exercise that helps us to love ourselves no matter what our body looks like. To gain self love.Gaining self worth through the joy of creativity. It's easy to lose ourselves in the process of trying to save others, so let's explore how ingniting our creative spark can bring joy.Meeting needs.  So often, women in general and some men as well give and give and give so much that we forget that we, too, are worthy of time and effort.Your body is a temple. When we can see ourselves as sacred it is easier to love ourselves in whatever state we are in and it’s also easier to take better care of our selves as well.  1 Corinthians 3:16 says in part, “the temple of God is holy, which temple ye are.”   Prayer- "My favorite way to learn my worth is on my knees with my Heavenly Father.  I do feel His love and assurance when I ask Him how He feels about me.  The more honest and vulnerable I am with my Heavenly Father about anything, but particularly regarding feelings of worth, the more tender He is towards me.  I can feel it." Sources: Affiliate Link: Affiliate Link https://3keyelements.com/kim-duncan/ Matthew 22: 37-39 Affiliate Link: Jeffrey R. Holland “To Young Women” Dieter F. Uchtdorf "Happiness Your Heritage" Episode 2 of Betrayal Trauma SOS: Betrayal Trauma.  What is it? OR Episode 2 can also be accessed here Enter to win a Betrayal Trauma SOS First Aid Kit On Facebook Here Betrayal Trauma SOS on Facebook Betrayal Trauma SOS on Instagram

Why is social distancing important? This podcast episode shows my personal experience and how one person's choice to come to work ill threatened my family. Coronavirus / Covid 19 is scary stuff. This is my personal true story of last week's events that lead my husband to self quarantine due to possible exposure. The possible exposure was avoidable. This is my effort to participate in operation #quaranteam . Why does social distancing matter? It takes less than 8 minutes to hear my personal story on this week's podcast of our rough and painful experience that will demonstrate what can happen when there is a contagious pandemic and how choices effect entire families. Join me as I paint the picture of why social distancing is a show of love. It's loving your neighbor. We can let our humanity and our love shine through in marvelous ways that when the crisis lifts, our heads can be held high because we loved our neighbors like we loved ourselves. Social distancing matters friends. Listen to this short episode and I'll show you why. Isn't that drawn image gorgeous?? Contact Kimberly Early with Photoready_Pineapple on Instagram for your design needs. Follow Betrayal Trauma SOS on Instagram Like Betrayal Trauma on Facebook Subscribe to Betrayal Trauma SOS on Youtube Checkout more episodes from the Betrayal Trauma SOS podcast

Have you ever wondered how church leadership can help those in betrayal trauma? I've got some tips that will transform how clergy can help someone through the painful process after betrayal. Join me, host Jeni Brockbank as I give many sources along with my own experiences. Ecclesiastical leaders are often first responders to people in trauma and have the opportunity to offer guidance so that people can find true and lasting healing. All denominations are welcome and while I belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I have chosen information that I believe applies to most religions. So, whether you are a bishop, a priest, a rabi, a relief society president, a church service missionary or just a curious observer, you are welcome here. I have a strong belief that gaining education regarding betrayal trauma will increase the capacity to guide wounded patrons to the one true source of healing: God. If you wonder how church leadership can help those in betrayal trauma, then this podcast episode is for you. If you like research, then you are in luck because this episode is heavily sourced. Sources: Episode 2: Betrayal Trauma- What Is It? Episode 5: You Can’t Fix Sex Addiction With Sex  Katy Willis A Betrayal Trauma Resource for Bishops (or other ecclesiastical leaders) http://utahvalleyaddictionrecovery.com/for-religious-leaders/a-letter-to-my-church-leader/ Dr. Adam Moore A Letter To My Church Leader  Keeping the Temple Holy by Gordon B. Hinckley The Body Keeps the Score by Besel van der Kolk Unwanted by Jay Stringer Dallin H. Oaks talk, “Pornography” Helping Couples Heal Podcast “Understanding Betrayal with Dr. Omar Minwalla Part Two Leading Saints Summit- Kirk Francom interview with Katy Willis transcript LDS Family Services, “Family Services provides short-term professional counseling for individuals, couples, and families.” Lifestar Addo Recovery https://w Hank R. Smith Quote about boundaries Malachi 4:2  Jacob 2: 35 Excerpt from 13th article of faith

You can't fix sex addiction with sex. Trust me. I tried. Has the idea ever come to you that marriage might fix a sex addiction, or that having a baby will? I relate. Join me, Jeni Brockbank, as I guide you through my journey of coming to learn what addiction REALLY is. This gets interesting as we discuss the Rat Park study and so much more. I'll take you through my process of coming to better understand sex addiction and that this understanding helps to find tools for healing from betrayal trauma. We will end with a guided mediation at the end that incorporates divine worth, your eternal origin, and that you are enough. You are beyond enough. You Are Enough. In fact, you are beyond enough. A few links and/ or references from this episode include: Meditation: You Are Enough- You Are Beyond Enough Enter To Win a Betrayal Trauma SOS First Aid Kit On Facebook (Winner chosen May 19, 2020) Everything You Think You Know About Addiction Is Wrong Johann Hari Your Brain On Porn Unwanted by Jay Stringer You Matter To Him by Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Have you tried sharing your story of betrayal trauma with someone? If you're lucky, it went well, but if your experiences are similar to mine, then let's talk. Not everyone understands betrayal trauma... including many therapists, so how do you choose who to share your story with? The cool thing is, that sharing your story with the righ people can aid in healing. Trauma makes our memories fragmented, and figuring out the details puts things back in place. Join me, Jeni Brockbank as I talk about some of my experiences regarding sharing details related to my husband's sex addiction with others. I let you know how I have been unintentionally hurt, how to protect against further damage, and offer guidelines for finding safe ways to share. Pornography addiction is real and there are so many people wounded in it's wake. Let's heal together. Click here to follow Betrayal Trauma SOS on Facebook. You can also find Betrayal Trauma SOS on Instagram.

Are you curious if a Betrayal Trauma First Aid Kit might benefit you? First Aid Kits can help in times of emotional distress. Join host Jeni Brockbank as she shares her experiences with first aid kits. Jeni shares what is in her first aid kit and also gives tips to creating your own betrayal trauma first aid kit. Special thanks to some beautiful and anonymous women who helped create this episode. Their input is invaluable and will most definitely help others in trauma. To most effectively use a first aid kit, it's best to be in tune with your body. Jeni's soothing voice walks you through a body scan meditation, guiding listeners to better meet their own needs. This body scan meditation starts at your toes and moves to your head. Enter to win your first aid kit here. The Betrayal Trauma First Aid Kit that will be gifted includes: -gold polka dotted tote-super soft blanket-Symphony Bar-lovely smelling candle-lovely rose quartz rock To enter, one must reside in The United States or Canada due to shipping costs. If you just want the body scan meditation, visit it here on the Betrayal Trauma SOS Youtube page. Betrayal Trauma SOS: Let's heal together.

Have you experienced extreme or even numb emotions due to the betrayal of a spouse or partner? You might be experiencing betrayal trauma. Join host Jeni Brockbank as she discusses her own understanding, plus offers resources from professionals. Jeni Brockbank- Host of Betrayal Trauma SOS Do you suffer from fight, flight or freeze responses? Perhaps your mind re-vists traumatic events on a loop, or maybe you are experiencing physical reactions that accompany fear, such as a rapidly beating heart. Maybe you are struggling to eat, or on the flip side, are using food to numb the pain. Nearly 70% of people who are disclosed to regarding sexual betrayal from their partners suffer from PTSD type symptoms. Betrayal trauma is a much more prevalent problem than was previously understood. This episode discusses many such symptoms and offers a place to start healing. Resources from this episode include: Meditation: https://youtu.be/ACR9NdSFW8k Source/ Recommended Reading (affiliate link): Source/ Recommended Reading (affiliate link):

Have you discovered an affair, or pornography use from a trusted loved one? Perhaps you experienced virtual or literal infidelity from a spouse or partner? Do you feel extreme emotions, like you are crazy, or even numb? You are normal and there is help. Join host Jeni Brockbank on her journey of betrayal trauma and healing. Beat isolation while learning that your emotions are normal and there are so many tools to aid in healing. In this episode, Jeni shares a snapshot of her experiences regarding the sexual betrayal of her husband and subsequent healing. Jeni's vulnerability allows listeners to know that they aren't alone, they aren't crazy, and there are many tools to help. Betrayal Trauma SOS: Your heart can beat again after betrayal Whether there was an affair or porn was discovered, the effects of infidelity can be crushing and can cause PTSD type symptoms that last long after the disclosure. Knowing this allows the partner to find much needed help and community. Resources to help the betrayed spouse are improving. and the Betrayal Trauma SOS podcast explores many different resources so that other can find their own recovery fit. This episode also includes a meditation at the end, allowing others to feel validated in their heartache while encouraging healing. Healing from betrayal trauma is possible and, your heart can beat again after betrayal. Recommended Reading: Healing Trauma From Sexual Betrayal by Dr. Kevin Skinner (Affiliate Link) The meditation can be found on Youtube here.