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Asterios Kills A Kid
51 minutes | Dec 19, 2018
#9: Too Many Edgelords (w/ Mumkey Jones)
YOUTUBE HATES HIM. Mumkey Jones teaches kids this one weird trick to solving interpersonal conflict at school. Producer Jesse here. I'm just going to say right off the bat that we record these episodes well in advance. Sometimes this means things feel a little dated, for example: In the time since this episode was recorded, our guest host went from being a full-time Youtuber with over 300 thousand subscribers... to a cyber-hobo hauling his bindle of videos from platform to platform. He's a zoomer. Never been doomed-er. I'm speaking of course of Mumkey Jones, who as I write has been banned from Youtube and had all of his channels deleted. I have no doubt that he'll make it through this rough second act, but if you want to help our good friend on his way and see some more of his stuff, you can do that through his patreon at patreon.com/mumkey Until then, close your eyes and let the smell of little boy asshole transport you back to the good old days. Here's our first question: "My girlfriend is really into anime and watches it religiously. I'm not much of a weeb myself and I don't really watch anime outside of JJBA. How do I put up with it while watching as little anime as possible?" - Thotmas, 16 The weebs in the group suggest ways to placate her, but Asterios' years of experience tell him that shame is the real answer. This next question suggests that it's not just Mumkey: other producers of fun, teen-friendly content are also at risk of losing their livelihood. "I sat next to this guy in Chemistry last year that was suspiciously friendly, and I didn't think too much about it, and when he asked me last week if I knew anyone selling any drugs and I said no, he said he knew one of my friends was selling some, and if I do not get her to give him some then he'll report her. I don't want him talking to her because he's a manipulative asshole, and I and my friends don't mix well with that kind of people. What should I do?" - Sierra, 16 Mumkey preaches against the consumption of drugs, but only as a pretext for becoming an undercover highschool cop. If you guessed that Sriracha and Asterios' advice was not to commit more crimes, welcome to Asterios Kills a Kid. We usually like to stick to fun lighthearted topics like resisting extortion, but this episode we get a little more serious: "Hey, Asterios and Srirancha, sorry for the question in advance, it's not funny or lighthearted. My parents - both very nice, normal people - were yelling at each other for the first time ever tonight, and my dad called my mum a "lesbian bitch" and said she'd "have to be the one to tell the kids". The writing on the wall's pretty fucking clear. So what do I do now, if anything? It's not a black and white issue, so I'm a bit lost at the moment. Thanks and sorry again for the overly serious question, Polka Hat. P.S. Feel free to ignore this, honestly. It's not exactly the question for a show about WacDonald's tales, weed, and crippling French family members." - Polka Hat, 17 Sriracha and Mumkey present a frame challenge: is it really so bad that Polka Hat's parents are separating? Asterios' solution is sincere, and thoughtful, and exactly the reason we don't do many of these serious questions. "Hi Asterios, I found you because I listen to Mumkey Jones. I take Architecture, and the guy who sits next to me is a rude asswipe. How do I tell someone to fuck off politely?" - Mel, 16 Asterios digs into his experience running Spite Incorporated in order to construct an elaborate, thematic scheme. Mumkey has a much simpler solution, and it involves bringing something to school. I won't say what, but it rhymes with fun! As always you can submit your questions on our website, or by voicemail at (347) 705-7617. If you'd like to support the show you can go to patreon.com/asterios, and again, if you'd like to support Mumkey Jones head on over topatreon.com/mumkey.
63 minutes | Nov 8, 2018
#8: Satirical ID
What to eat when you're high, how to get a fake ID, and more kid's questions are discussed SATIRICALLY with SATIRE this episode. "Producer" Jesse here! You may have noticed the quotes around the word "Producer". Some might see this as an attempt to legally distance myself from the advice given in this episode, but I assure you that I never had anything to do with this podcast in the first place so the observation's moot. But as a curious, unaffiliated observer, I'll outline some of the highlights: 01:34 - A kid asks about which snacks to pair with marijuana (an ILLEGAL DRUG). The hosts, who's names I think are Asterios and Sriracha, don't even try to persuade him to change his ways. Instead, they share the foods that they eat while under the influence. 12:30 - Sriracha presents a challenge to our their listeners - which includes impressionable teens - to insert sparkling water into their anus and report back. 13:56 - A teen asks how to get a fake ID. No comment. 26:39 - David from Wisconsin, 17 asks how to pick a college. An innocent question, which is unfortunately met with more unbecoming advice to prioritize partying over education. There's a lot of other content but I'm going to stop there. My verdict? No teens should ever listen to this show. It is dangerous, reckless, and could potentially even kill a kid someday. In fact, they should just call the podcast that! Asterios Kills a Kid! If you're a kid reading this, please, turn to the light. Don't submit a question on their website and don't call their voicemail at (347) 705-7617. It's never too late to repent.
43 minutes | Oct 5, 2018
#7: Women Sure Are Complicated
I'm Producer Jesse and I may have made a mistake. I set up search analytics for our website, asterioskillsakid.com, and noticed that we were showing up in some odd search results for things like "veggietales transcript" and hardcore porn. So I sent it along to Asterios and Sriracha for a laugh and well...if these episodes from now the entire podcast is just keywords you know who to blame. But until then let's see what questions we've got this week! First up, here's one from CRINGE, our old friend from episode 3. “I must ask another question because it's a pressing issue, my cousin is visiting my area from France and he looks way better than me. I'm basically a fat manlet version of him. So he's attracting all of the chicks. I thought after his nose broke during a soccer game it would severely take him down a few notches. But it didn't because now he's getting more attention because of it. Any advice on how I can be better than him somehow without injuring myself for sympathy? Thanks.” – CRINGE the edgelord, 16 Continuing on his path to becoming a better person, CRINGE aspires to become better than his cousin. Instead of pointing out that this probably isn't healthy, Asterios and Sriracha dive right into ways to take this cousin's French ass down. Our next questioner has a problem from the other side of the river. “I broke up with my girlfriend a few months ago and I haven't talked to her since. I'm starting to miss her what do I do?” – David, 17 Many of our listeners might not be able to relate, but those that can might benefit from Asterios and Sriracha's advice: DON'T DO IT. Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on our listeners. Some of them have very legitimate reasons for not going out with girls, like Luke: “How do I meet girls? I go to an all boys school and my social circle is entirely composted of guys, what do I do?” – Luke, 16 In the face of this problem Asterios can't help but let his inner boomer show through, but Sriracha comes to the rescue with two little letters: T.A. Good luck out there Luke! Have a question for Asterios and Sriracha? Make sure to keyword stuff that baby and send it on down from our submit question page. Or leave a voicemail at (347) 705-7617.
38 minutes | Aug 22, 2018
#6: Kick His Hopes & Dreams
For the first and last time, Asterios kills some adults. Producer Jesse here! We've had a whole gaggle of callers since our last episode went live, which is great. Thank you all so much for leaving your voicemails at (347) 705-7617, and for submitting questions through the site. That said, you all know this is a kid's advice podcast right? Because a few of these callers were obviously not... well here's a taste of the voicemails we received. 4:07 - Taiwanese "Boy" 6:36 - Sofa Kid 8:19 - David Clegg 10:53 - A man with a shitty decision to make 16:29 - Data 17:49 - Beta Dad 20:15 - Mike Hawk I have to say these voicemails throw into question just how many submissions are from real kids. So from here on out, just to be clear, we're looking for voicemails from kids and teens. For example: "After summer is done I'm starting 10th grade. Most of my friends are 1 year older than me and are therefore all going to new schools. I have some friends in my year but we don't share many interests. So my question is: How can I make myself enjoy being with my peers more even though I don't share many interests with them?" -Eirik B. Downgrading from your cool older friends might be hard at first, but Asterios and Sriracha agree that as long as you exploit that cool factor you'll be just fine. Do you have a question for Asterios and Sriracha? Drop it on our Submit Question page, or leave a voicemail at (347) 705-7617.
48 minutes | Jul 20, 2018
#5: Big Soft & Cushiony
To Catch a Thrift-Shop-Owner, getting mean taunts out of your orbit, and what to do when you discover your teacher's twitter account... Producer Jesse here! Why don't you take a seat right over there? It's time we had a talk about who's a bigger pedo: Asterios or Sriracha. Debate it in the comments or leave a message on our voicemail line*... just remember to stay classy. How did we get on this topic? Well it all started with a question from listener PGAYSSS555. “Me and my Dad were Gonna watch GoodFellas but he had bought the DVD about 10 years earlier from a Thrift Store and it contained only half the Movie. How do I track down the People who sold my Dad this Shity Disc. Advice much Appreciated." — PGAYSSS555, 15 If you're trying to understand what this has to do with paedophilia I can't help you. You're really gonna have to just listen to the episode. Next question! “Dear Mr. Kokkiknows, Everybody at school makes fun of me for being big, soft, and cushiony. My dad says my body type is genetic and that I shouldn't worry about it. I told the other kids that and now they just make fun of me more. What do I do?” — Sofa Kid, 12 Being the fat kid is like being the bicycle shed of middle school: an easy target that everyone can (and will) weigh in on. Asterios has some tips on how to stay a boring target, while Sriracha suggests finding another better target. Speaking of targets, this next kid seems to have found the perfect one... but what should he do? “I just found my Spanish teacher's Twitter account. Her banner is her poorly photoshopped on to a bad meme. What do I do?” — Jack, 14 This is usually the part where I summarize our hosts' advice, but they mostly just talked memes (and Spanish). Good luck Jack! Do you have a question for Asterios and Sriracha? Drop it on our submit questions page. And if you have any advice for these kids let us know in the comments, or leave a voicemail at (347) 705-7617. [Bye Bye Birdie's "Kids" plays, starting loud, then fading.] Asterios: Welcome to Asterios Kills a Kid, the kid's advice podcast hosted by broken people. I'm your host, Asterios Kokkinos, with me is Sriracha. Sriracha: Hey there. Asterios: This is episode five I think... Srirancha? I feel like we've helped some kids. What do you think? Sriracha: I believe we have too. Asterios: Okay- I can't name any of them. Sriracha: No me neither, 'cause they have stupid names like "Fart Face" and "Goth Muffin" Asterios: There's a kid that wrote a question today named PGAY. Sriracha: I met that kid. Asterios: I did too! Oh my god, I didn't put that together 'til just now. We met him- we had a listener meet-up in Morristown New Jersey, he's like 15, and he's like, "I wanna go to the meet-up, so I asked my mom to drive me, and my mom-" and his mom called the bar and was like, "I'm bringin' my kid, don't make problems." And they were like, "Yes ma'am!" And so we're in this bar with this 15 year old kid all doin' shots and stuff. Sriracha: Yeah, oh man I got so high in the bathroom. Asterios: You guys smoked in the bathroom? Sriracha: Yeah, she had one of those... vape pens? Or something? Dude I don't know what kinda spicy weed was in there but it was... spiceroo. And by that I mean I was blazed out of my miind. Asterios: Those- the pens I don't fuck with the pen. There's something about the pen- okay, so many times a drug dealer has been like, "Would you like to buy a weed pen?" And I'm just like, "I- no it's all-" 'cause all I would do is like: I would go to the movie theatre all day and just hit that pen. Those things like- they have this- they have like a cartridge that has like a hundred and eighty hits of weed in it? And it's like just two of them like really screws me up. I- because the thing about like a pipe or a bong or a joint or whatever is it's like: well you can't smoke that everywhere, so you kinda have to like get high and then go do your business. But with those pens you can just be high all the time. Sriracha: You can be high in public which is dangerous. Asterios: WE- that's the thing, 'cause it's like, "I'm just an e-cigarette boy. This is n-" 'cause it doesn't smell like weed. Sriracha: Yeah. Yeah you know I'm relatively new to degeneracy so this is all- I don't have anything to add here because you're right you gotta take ya paraphernalia you can't just light up a bowl in the middle of the road. [laughs] Asterios: If I- look. If I bought you- would you want a pe- like I could buy you a pen. Do you wanna pen? Sriracha: [interjecting] Oh absolutely I would want a pen. Asterios: Really? Sriracha: Because I can use drugs responsibly unlike other people- Asterios: [interjecting] No. Sriracha: -in this room. Asterios: I definitely ca- okay hold on. I'm gonna text my dealer right now and be like, "You up?" Sriracha: Not today. I don't need a pen today. Asterios: Okay well then I won't get you one. Sriracha: Well I would love one for my birthday how about that? Asterios: Okay I already bought you two birthday presents. Sriracha: Okay. Asterios: Look- I'm not actually- I was kinda ju- I just wanted to brag about the presents I got you- I'm not actually... I'm not... Sriracha: [interjecting] They were great presents. Kylie Jenner lip kits, I love them. Asterios: I got Kylie J- Kylie Jenner lip kits were on sale, so I sent her some money and I was like, "Buy as many lip kits as you can get with this money." Sriracha: Oh and I did buddy. Asterios: W- can you tell us the flavors or col- 'cause they all have dumb names. Sriracha: Oh dude I don't remember it's like, "Party Girl," "Leo," "Kylie's Sweet Pucker-" oh wait no I told myself I wasn't gonna swear this episode. I swear way too much on these podcasts. Asterios: I genui- I don't know why you've got it in your head that- Sriracha: [interjecting] I'm gonna do this- I'm gonna say this once, and then it's gonna be out, just because I have to use it as a example. I was listening to the last episode of I don't remember- I think it was Asterios Kills a Kid and it- ah it was just like a torrent of "FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUck fuck fu-" it's not very classy. It's not who I am, I'm a lover not a fighter. Asterios: [interjecting] Baby- Sriracha: I'm not angry. Asterios: -classiness comes from within. Like, you can't fake class. I bet- I bet G- I bet the Kennedys swore all the goddamn time, but they were classy. Sriracha: But did they get high in the bathroom at a bar in New Jersey? Asterios: Yyyyou know they did! You know the Kennedys were like [Kennedy impression] "Mah, uh, pass me that uh, big ol' blunt. I'm uh gonna cheat on my wife hahaa-" Sriracha: [interjecting] Are the Kennedys British? Asterios: [defeated] Why does everybody say all my impressions sound British. Sriracha: [laughs] What in the- Asterios: [interjecting] I remember this one time I was on a TV show, I got cast on a TV show- I was also working on the show as an editor so like they just needed an extra actor, and they were like, "Do your B- do a southern accent," and I was on stage and I was dressed up like a hillbilly and I started to do a southern accent and everybody just kept going, "Is that British? Why are you doing it British? Are you doing it British as a joke?" and I got so in my head that they cut the part. And I was like live there on stage, and I was looking at the teleprompter and all of a sudden they deleted all of my lines. [laughs] Sriracha: Oh my god. Asterios: Like literally deleted my lines from the teleprompter. Sriracha: That's so embarrassing. When I worked at um, WhackDonalds uh- [laughs] Asterios: Uh huh? Mhmm? Sriracha: Unnamed fast-food restaurant WhackDonalds. Asterios: Mhmm? Sriracha: We used to do this thing where we would pretend to do accents through the drive-through? I wonder if I could still do any accents. Asterios: That's hot. [Scottish accent] "Can ya do a Sco'ish accent?" Sriracha: [Scottish accent] "Ah actually know a girl who's datin' a Sco'ish guy, and the key to spea'in Sco'ish is ya got-" no. Can't- not at all. Asterios: It was good until you lost your confidence. Sriracha: I [Scottish accent] "Oohm' accents slippin'" Asterios: [Scottish accent] "Eeeuh, m' acc- eh- uh" The- the key to a Scottish accent is just to remove the middle of a 'rd. Like- Sriracha: [interjecting] I love Scottish slang. Asterios: Such as? Sriracha: The way that Scottish people speak, to me - a lot of people really don't like it - I think it's very very funny and charming. Asterios: Okay. Sriracha: 'cause Scottish people have a very distinct way of- not just speaking, but also typing? [laughing] On twitter? If you could find some Scottish users on Twitter? I highly recomme- Asterios: [interjecting] There' a reddit called like, "Scottish people tweets." Sriracha: Yeah, it's very similar in- to Jamaican, in that it's technically English? [laughs] Asterios: Yeaaahh... Sriracha: But in the absolute loosest sense of the word. Like, [Scottish accent] "No tae-" [laughs] Like, "Ah- am no a fokin'" [laughs] Like they type like they talk?" Asterios: I know- Sriracha: [Scottish accent] "Am no a fokin'- why ma m- [laughs]- me mum come in me baffroom and tell me am usin' too much toilet paper. Aight mum I'm no a fuckin- I'm no a fuckin' scag a'll leab a asshole caked in shite [laughs] to save ya fifty pence on toilet paper." [laughs] Asterios: You- you came up with that so fast that that has to be a real Scottish tweet! Sriracha: It is. Asterios: OH MY GOD. [Sriracha laughs] Alright, well listen, PGAY sent us a letter - that adorable kid - lot of people sent us some letters. Let's get to it, whadda ya say? Sriracha: Yeah let's do it! Asterios: Alright. First letter- first lett- actually, let's start with PGAY's: "Me and my Dad were Gonna watch GoodFellas but he had bought the DVD about 10 years earlier from a Thrift Store and it only contained half the Movie. How do I track down the People who sold my Dad this Shity Disc. Advice much Appreciated" PGAY, 15 years old and adorable, when we s
43 minutes | May 9, 2018
#4: Positivity: Fake It Til You Make It
When they're not helping kids untangle their spaghetti brain, or getting them more views on YouTube, Asterios and Sriracha are helping mold our future cult leaders. Producer Jesse here! I'd just like to take a moment to thank everyone for submitting so many great (and sometimes horrifying) questions. If you'd like to get in on the fun, visit oursubmit question page. This episode had a lot of firsts. We received our first voicemail, our first follow-up email, and for the first time in AKAK history, our hosts are given a question about something that they actually have experience handling: clinical depression. “Hey Guys I’m a big fan of the show and I would like you to help me solve a problem. So recently I’ve been seeing everything so negatively and I don’t get why, everyone always asks me what’s wrong and I don’t have any way to answer them because I don’t know. That jumbled mess summarized: how can I see the world more positively?” — Spaghetti , 14 Asterios and Sriracha rattle off solutions like a couple of seasoned experts, before finally returning to topics they don't know all that much about. This next question is about creating funny content with mass appeal. “How can i get more YouTube followers? I make epic YouTube videos but my only followers are related to me.” — Noah, 9 Asterios and Sriracha teach Noah the real trick to success on YouTube. It's not about quality. It's not about originality. It's all about that SEO. For an example of good SEO game, look no further than www.asterioskillsakid.com! Here are the top five google search queries that got our site to pop up on google: Finally, here's a question from a kid who's itching to get an assault charge. “Hey, I'm that 14 year old boy that you refused to fight on your live stream even though I offered you an all expenses paid trip here to the Bronx. But anyways, I need help. I go to a very good high school in downtown NYC where a lot of the smart kids go. Along with this there are a bunch of IEP kids. Even though I was put into this school for my high grades, the school social worker said it'd be better if I'm with kids who have similar social skills. Being one of the only kids in this group who isn't a complete fucking idiot, I'm constantly being tormented and harrassed all day for not being a tard. I'm not allowed to dight these kids because being a foot taller than most, I'd be the first to get suspended in a fight, also I try not to fight tards. What do I do?” — George, 14 Asterios and Sriracha try to steer George away from directly assaulting these kids... and toward... manipulating them into fighting each... Okay look, I want to be able to tell all my friends, "Hey, look at me! I'm working with these funny comedians! Isn't this great?" But now I've gotta wait another month because you told a kid to do Fight Club but with IEP kids. Next time... let's just do one episode that won't give my mother a heart attack. Please? For Producer Jesse? --- Do you have any advice for these kids? Let us know in the comments! And if you have a question for Asterios and Sriracha, visit the Submit Question page. --- TRANSCRIPT: [Bye Bye Birdie's "Kids" plays, starting loud, then fading.] Asterios: Hey. It's Asterios Kokkinos and... Sriracha: Sriracha! Asterios: Welcoming you to episode 4 of Asterios Kills a Kid. Thank you guys so much. Obviously just straight up from the top, if you have any questions or more importantly if your kids have any questions, they can go to asterioskillsakid.com. In our last episode, a kid wrote in and was like, "A kid stole my snowball an- my snowman what do I do? And I think we told the kid to plant a gun in...? Sriracha: Right, in the other kid's locker. Asterios: In the other kid's locker, right. Um, I didn't even know we had a voicemail line but someone sent us a voicemail about it. Sriracha: Yeah you know I heard that and uh, good job Jesse, you're doin' a great job. Asterios: Yeah, Jes- our producer Jesse we love you. Okay so I'm gonna play the voicemail and then uh, let's get your thoughts. Man: [In deep voice] If someone stole my snowman to make a snow fort... I would pee on it. Sriracha: [laughs] Well thank- thank you uh, last remaining Nazi in the world for- Asterios: [laughs] Oh my god! Sriracha: -sending that in. Asterios: Look... Sriracha: Uhh. Asterios: I mean I guess that's kind of no better than the- what we said, which was to- didn't you tell the kid to fuck the other kid's boyfriend or girlfriend? Sriracha: Yeah, cuckoldry's always the answer. Asterios: Yeah you- it's- well it seems to always be the answer from you. I think you said, and I quote, "What we need is sexual terrorism." Sriracha: Sexual violence. Asterios: Oh- oh okay is that what you said? Oh, so now you're suddenly remembering. Sriracha: Yes. [laughs] Asterios: Okay, well I mean I guess peeing on someone's snow fort is a kind of sexual violence. Sriracha: You should write words on it, like the word "cuck". You could piss the word "cuck" into the snow fort. So I- I'm likin' this guy's idea. Thanks Joseph Mengele! Asterios: [laughs] Oh my god. Um, uh we have another uh comment from somebody. Um- oh! Interestingly, another one of the callers - not callers but questioners from last time - remember that guy who was like, "My friends and I keep using like terrible language and like, we keep calling each other gay and-" Sriracha: [interjecting] Yeah, they- they were callin' each other the gay word. Asterios: Right exactly, and then it turned out like one of them was gay and then, you know. So they were kinda like, "Well what do we do?" Alright, so he writes, from CRINGE the edgelord, 16, "Thanks for answering my question. It was honestly pretty helpful, and I reevaluated some things about myself and the insults I should use." Sriracha: Aaay we helped a kid! Asterios: We helped a kid! We helped one kid! Sriracha: We helped kill a comedy car- a budding comedy career though. Asterios: Yeaah, I mean that's- look, there's en- I have enough competition. I don't need anymore comp- I'm gonna be perfectly honest with you. Sriracha: Honestly yeah don't- just no more comedians. No more. Asterios: Exactly. Yeah, we uh, we're all full up. Uh, another listener- okay quick listener comment, "How can you tell if it's more than just a fart?" That's Anna, seven years old. Sriracha: Uh, if you have to force it you're not gonna have a good time. Asterios: That's really smart. Sriracha: Yeah, haven't you ever heard that? Asterios: No. Sriracha: Like if you have to- "A relationship is like a fart, if you have to force it it's probably shit?" You've never heard that before? Asterios: I'm- I swear to god I've never heard that before [Sriracha laughs], and I swear to god that is both the most disgusting and most helpful piece of relationship advice. Sriracha: Did we talk about shitting our pants last week? Or was that the week before? Asterios: I don't- Sriracha: [intejecting] Or have we never talked about shitting our pants? Asterios: Or do we talk about shitting our pants so much that we can't remember? Sriracha: When was the last time you shit your pants as an adult? Asterios: I've never completely and fully shit my pants as an adult. Sriracha: That's a fuckin' lie. Asterios: It's not a lie. Sriracha: You can tell the people. Asterios: I've- I have t- I'm on the record, it's never happened. I've come close! Sriracha: Oh well look at this guy over here. [laughs] Asterios: Oh wha- what I'm not lording it over you. Alright, when was the last time you pooped your pants? Sriracha: I told you, I uh had food poisoning. I shit myself in my apartment. Asterios: How long ago? Sriracha: Oh probably like a year ago? Asterios: That's not very long ago. I was hoping you were gonna say, "When I was six years old." or something. Sriracha: Oh, no- I mean I probably did shit my pants as a six year old [Asterios and Sriracha laugh]. Asterios: Alright well let's get to some questions. This is a- by the way, this is a very dirty start. It's uncomfortably dirty for me. Sriracha: Oh hell yeah. Asterios: This st- oh god damn it Sriracha alright. Sriracha: [interjecting] I wanna hear about those sexy kids. Asterios: Uuuhg! Alright, question number one, "Hey Guys I’m a big fan of the show and I would like you to help me solve a problem. So recently I’ve been seeing everything so negatively and I don’t get why, everyone always asks me what’s wrong and I don’t have any way to answer them because I don’t know. That jumbled mess summarized: how can I see the world more positively?" That's Spaghetti, age 14. Sriracha: Hell yeah, clinical depression! Now we're in a topic that I can really- really grab my fingers around. This is like my- Stephen Hawking is to computers as I am to depressi- oh wait, no he was a physicist. Stephen Hawking- Asterios: [interjecting] But he was a computer, that's the thing [Sriracha laughs] so like that's why you're confused. Sriracha: Yeah, Stephen Hawking was to I dunno space and shit [laughs] Asterios: [interjecting] I dunno. That guy seemed cool. Sriracha: -crippling depression. Asterios: Alright. So, I guess... hmm... Sriracha: Listen kid, first thing I gotta tell ya is if you're feeling suicidal you're absolutely listening to the wrong podcast. [laughs] Asterios: Oh god, yeah! Wait a minute- yeah! Our title kind of absolves us of- of any responsibility! If you listen to a show called Asterios Kills a Kid, you know what you're getting into! Sriracha: Yeah, you know what, and I'll say this straight up 'cause I can say whatever I want uhh: Porg Chatter, our partner podcast - 'cause I don't want to associate what I'm about to say with Asterios Kokkinos, everybody's favorite good boy of comedy? Asterios: I am good. Sriracha: Anti uh suicide line. Asterios: Wait, you mean call a suicide hotline? Sriracha: Do not. Do not call them. Asterios: Interesting. Sriracha: We are anti-suicide-hotlin- I- I am. Asterios: [interjecting]
38 minutes | May 9, 2018
#3: Cuss Control
A kid calls the teacher "Dad", a teen's edgelord friends are growing up, and a boy is literally fighting off girl's advances. This is Producer Jesse, apologizing in advance for the language you will hear on this episode of Asterios Kills a Kid. It is so obscene that I had to use an experimental censorship algorithm to make just this description palatable. Listen at your own risk. If you're a kid, and want Asterios to ██████ your ████████, you can initiate that here. Our first writer is a kid with some serious daddy issues: “Hi, i had this uncomfortable experience last week. During math class last week I accidentally called the teacher "dad", even though he's not my dad, and I like my real dad very much. My friends made fun of me for that all the time for the rest of the week. I am afraid this was not the last time this will happen, because I sometimes mix up people like that. How do I properly save face the next time it happens?” — Mendez, 11 You can't change what you said in the past, but you can uproot the lives of everyone around you to save face, and that's exactly what Asterios and Sriracha recommend. They also swap public ███████ stories if you're into that kind of thing. Next up is a question from the aptly named CRINGE. “My trio of friends used to make nothing but gay Jokes and edgy suicide jokes. However I recently found out that one of my friends is clinically depressed and the other is actually gay. Now our friend dynamic is really awkward because we don't wanna say the wrong things anymore. Any advice?” — CRINGE, 16 The court of this young edgelord grows ever bare, and he finds himself at a crossroads. Should he continue making fun of people using gay slurs, or grow up and make fun of them in other more creative ways? Like a fucking spaghetti brained cuck bitch, Asterios says to "█████ ██ ███ ████" Finally, all the way from Finland, a young boy writes: “Girl told me she liked me. I panicked and ran away from her. Older kid came to find me and lead me back to her, but I kinda beat him up. I dont want to go back to school anymore, what should I do?” — Jyri from Finland, 10 ████████ and Sriracha applaud Jyri's game with the ladies and send him on his way, ignoring his genuine ████ and underlying ████████. --- Do you have any advice for these kids? Let us know in the comments! And if you have a question for ████████ and Sriracha, visit the Submit Question page. --- TRANSCRIPT: [Bye Bye Birdie's "Kids" plays, starting loud, then fading.] Asterios: Welcome to episode three of Asterios Kills a Kid. I'm Asterios Kokkinos. We got Sriracha here. Sriracha: Hi! Asterios: Um, thank you guys so much for supporting the show. Uh, we got a lot of great comments and feedback from the last episode. Um, this show is, you know, a children's advice podcast. So if you go to asterioskillsakid.com, you can- uh there's a- a section where your kids can ask us questions. Um, some of these questions are very clearly not from kids. Sriracha: Yeah. Asterios: Uh, I have one right here... it's uh- I guess- well let me read it. It says, "How do I get a thicc bitch to slob on my peepee im a patron and so this question better fucking get on the podcast," signed didey, sixteen years old. Sriracha: [sighs] Folks, I don't know what to tell ya. This bait is so low energy that Jeb Bush could probably do better. I think when I have- on Porg Chatter we don't take bait like this. We take bait seriously and when I have a big podcast with sponsors we are gonna make bait great again. Not this low energy garbage that you're sending in. Asterios: Wow. Well didey, thanks for supporting me on Patreon. Sriracha: Go fuck yourself. Asterios: Sorry you're getting the shit slapped out of you by my co-host here, but I'm on your side... uh until the moment you stop supporting me on Patreon, and then at that point I call your bait lower energy than Marco Rubio is tall. Um, alright! We got some listener comments too. KEK7go writes, "Srriacha is a funny and beautiful regardless what she thinks of herself. Asterious is a lucky man to have her writing his jokes. Sriracha: That guy is real nice. He was real nice to me on the livestream too. Asterios: Yeah! Well you- you know why he's writing this though, because in episode two - in our last episode of Asterios kills a kid - you went on an extended rant about you- your... your size- Sriracha: [interjecting] Small tits. You can just say... Asterios: [interjecting] I don't want to, you- Sriracha: [interjecting] Smaaall tits. Asterios: And you kept saying like, "Oh I'm not-" and it's like, you- it's not small. You d- you're not in a small situation. Sriracha: I feel like everytime I bring up the size of my breasts you're like, have you ever seen- one of the hundreds of Medium articles that's like, "I hate it when people say, 'I'm not fat, I'm beautiful.' Why can't I be both?" It's a mathematical fact that I have small tits. Asterios: You have- Sriracha: [interjecting] They're fine lookin' tits! But they're very small! Asterios: Can we- can I say that- can I get specific? Sriracha: Go ahead, go for it. Asterios: Don't you have thirty four Bs? Sriracha: Thirty two. Asterios: Okay, thirty two Bs. "B" stands for "big". Sriracha: [laughs] Does it? Asterios: Yeah, exactly. And thirty two is only four away from the- from the gold standard of- of size, which is thirty six. Sriracha: See, I think that small tits can look fine. Small tits look good in clothes, like I never have to wear a bra - anywhere - and it doesn't look obscene and I can run up and down steps and my tits don't hurt, but man, motherfuckin', I was lookin' at this brothel website the other night? Asterios: [loudly] UH HUUHH. Sriracha: Lookin' at one o- legal ones. One of the legal ones, the Bunny Ranch in Nevada. Transcriber's Note: Here's the link the site https://www.bunnyranch.com/ NSFW of course. Asterios: [in the background] MHMMM. Sriracha: And I'm lookin' at these girl's statistics - 'cause they list all their vital stats like their measurements - and they're all claiming to have D cups, even when they very clearly- like bitch, I'm lookin' at you with my eyes. I can see that those are not D cups, those are Bs on a good day. Why do they do that? Do they think that just be- like- there's a whole category of people that love small tits. Asterios: [mouth opening sound] Sriracha: Just, you gotta work with what you got. You should be marketing to that niche demographic instead of lying about it. Asterios: Okay. Well. You've given us a lot to unpack. [Sriracha laughs] I guess my first question is, what are you doing on this website? Sriracha: Lookin' at big tittied bitches, next question. Asterios: That is- but you could see women... you could see beautiful women anywhere. You're very specifically on brothel websi- are you... what's goin' on here? Sriracha: I just like lookin' at them and readin' their little bios, 'cause they all have to write like a bio about themselves, and I look for the ones with the best spelling and grammar and then compare that to how they look in the face and the body [laughs] areas. Asterios: Wow. Sriracha: Surprisingly it's a- what's it called? It's a- when one goes up the other goes down? Asterios: It's a- it's an inverse relationship? The hotter the face the worse the spelling? Sriracha: [talking over] Yeah! It's an inverse- inverse- yeah. Asterios: Wow. Okay. I'm learning a lot about Sriracha. Sriracha: The hotter the face the worse the grammatical structure. Asterios: I'm not- I- I have no evidence to agree or disagree with this. Sounds anti-feminist to me but at the same time, I'm not reading these brothel websites so I- Sriracha: [mocking vocalization] Asterios: -shouldn't be talking- wait, what'd you say? Sriracha: [mocking voice] Well I think that women are valuable regardless of their looks or their grammar skills Asterios so. Asterios: Goddamn I g- Sriracha: [interjecting in same voice] I didn't make a statement on their worth I was just saying- what are you saying that ugly women are worth less than attractive women? Asterios: I'm really getting served here. I'm really- Sriracha: That's my "gorilla mind" working. [laughs] Asterios: It's really really good. I'm always- I'm constantly getting out-maneuvered by Sriracha. That- this is my whole life now. Okay, we have another- oh God I don't even wanna say this username. Sriracha: [unintelligible] Asterios: Clinton BLANK Victim... [Sriracha laughs] ... on reddit writes, "Asterios, not to be a stick in the mud, but wasp do-" oh I can't read any of this. Okay. I guess at some point in episode 2, you brought up the idea of wasp sexual assault. Sriracha: Oh, this is talking about how wasps have to force themselves on other wasps? Asterios: I don't know. I don't remember this. I was pretty drunk when we recorded episode 2. Sriracha: Oh yeah, fun fact kids: um, if you can guess the exact line that I blacked out on while filming that episode you will get a special episode of "Porg Chatter," just for you. You could release it, you could keep it in your basement and masturbate to it, I don't care. It'll be your episode, you could do whatever you want with it. You could not even listen to it just throw it into the highway. [laughs] Asterios: You know what? I'll also include a Santa Asterios T-Shirt because... I have way too many of them. Sriracha: And I remember it like a fuckin' bell. Clear as- Asterios: [interjecting] Your favorite episode? Sriracha: No, the line- what I said and then I blacked out. Asterios: Ah that's so great. Okay, well, look bottom line this guy is saying that wasps do in fact... assault each other like... that. Sriracha: Don't all animals so that though? Asterios: I- I can only read what Clinton BLANK Victim on reddit [Sriracha laughs] tells- I- I'm really out of my element here. I'm out of my e
41 minutes | May 9, 2018
#2: The Birds & The Wasps
Wasp sting your friend? 8th graders steal your snowball? A girl has bigger boobs than you? This episode's all about getting your revenge. This is Producer Jesse welcoming you to another episode of Asterios Kills a Kid! If at any point while listening to the following you think, "Man, I know a kid with problems way more fucked up than this," go find that child, place them in front of a computer, and get them to submit their questions here. The first question this episode is from Hailey, a seven-year-old girl who's out for blood: Hello, can you help me? Yesterday my friend got stung by a wasp right in the face and her face got all big and red. We know where the nest is and I want to go wreck it, but my mom and dad say not to. Is it wrong to wreck the wasp nest even though one of them stung my friend? What is the best way to wreck it? — Hailey, 7 Asterios and Sriracha soberly advise Hailey to listen to her parents, who are only looking out for her safety and — oh wait, no, it turns out they recommend becoming a martyr for wasp genocide? HA! Who gave these assholes a podcast? Next up is a girl who's got two very big problems: I’m 14 and I’m very insecure about my large Breast size. My friends all think it’s great, but it bothers me that I look in the mirror every day to see something that is just uncomfortable and doesn’t even fit my personality or my body. I always see people staring and it really frustrates me. I tell them it’s really annoying but it keeps happening. I told my mom this and she just says I should be happy and feel blessed but I don’t. How am I blessed with something that’s so painful, heavy, and big that I can’t even stand it? No 14 year old should have a DD bra size or have to deal with them and learn to fit into stuff at this age. It’s just not right. — Big Breasts, 14 Sriracha lightheartedly recommends committing suicide, before moving on to her real advice, which is to commit suicide. Asterios, not ready to commit to the show's premise that explicitly, digs deeper. Finally, a tale of heartbreak as old as time itself: The snow was really packy yesterday so I decided to roll a giant snowball. By the end of the day it was so big I could barely move it. It was awesome! But today when I got to school it was gone. The 8th graders took apart everyone's snow men and stole my snowball to make a giant snow fort. The teachers don't care even though everyone is upset. I want to get back at them but they're scary. I'm only in grade 4. What should I do? — Snowball, 9 How will David take on Goliath? Well, if he follows Asterios' advice he'll frame Goliath for planning the next Columbine. Or he can follow Sriracha's advice: lead him to believe he got cucked by a 4th grader. --- Do you have any advice for these kids? Let us know in the comments! And if you have a question for Asterios and Sriracha, visit the Submit Question page. --- TRANSCRIPT: [Bye Bye Birdie's "Kids" plays, starting loud, then fading.] Sriracha: Hi how are you doin'? Asterios: Hey what's going on? Welcome to Asterios Kills a Kid. That's really the name of the show? Sriracha: I guess so, I mean I pitched it in the last episode. Do you like it? Asterios: I really like it but I just want to make sure you're cool with it 'cause I love it? Sriracha: It's not my fuckin' show I don't give a shit. Asterios: Oh you don't give a shit? Sriracha: Yeah no it's not like "Sriracha Destroys a Property". Asterios: Okay well that- actually wait- spin-off show, Sriracha destroys a property. Sriracha drives around with a baseball bat playing mailbox baseball 24/7. What do ya think? Sriracha: Was that a thing? Killing mailboxes? Asterios: Yeah! Sriracha: Or is that a thing just in movies? Asterios: No! No no no. What you do is, you drive around town 'cause you're bored, and you- you sit on the car door outside the window, and as mailboxes go by you swing at 'em with a baseball bat. Sriracha: Growing up in the city we never ever once did that. Asterios: Well you don't have mailboxes in the city. Sriracha: We also have things to do in the city. Asterios: Yeah, we don't have things to do out in the su- I grew up on the- in the least inhabited part of long Island. Sriracha: And I grew up in a city and I won't tell you what city but it rhymes with shmosh-shamgales. Asterios: I don't know what- what could that possibly be?! Sriracha: Beats the fuck out of me. Asterios: Alright cheers, put 'em up [clink of glasses]. Okay, I'd like to thank everybody for liking the first episode. People liked it. What no one can- [muffled laugh from Sriracha] no one can- Sriracha: I love you. Asterios: What are you- no one can hear you eating the microphone. Sriracha: Everyone that liked this episode I love you. Asterios: Okay I love you too. Sriracha: Thank you. Asterios: I'd also like to thank Producer Jesse for sending in the questions that's we're gonna read this episode. Sriracha: Thank you so much Jesse. Asterios: Thank you Jesse. And I'd like to remind people that they can send in their own questions from their kids at - and this is a real website - asterioskillsakid.com. Sriracha: It doesn't even have to be from your kid. Get the neighborhood kid. Asterios: Just get a kid. Just don't send in your own questions, we only want questions from kids. Sriracha: We're not equipped to handle adult questions. Asterios: Abso- look. We can't handle our own problems. Sriracha: I have a degree in psychology which means I'm not technically a psychologist. [Asterios laughs] Listen we can't do adults but if you're a kid writin' in then I can non-discriminately tell you what to do. Asterios: Alright, well let's see if we can help this first kid, "Hello-" uh this question reads, "Hello can you help me? [Sriracha laughs] Yesterday my friend got stung by a wasp right in the face and her face got all big and red. We know where the nest is and I want to go wreck it, but my mom and dad say not to. Is it wrong to wreck the wasp nest even though one of them stung my friend? What is the best way to wreck it? Signed Hailey, 7 years old. Sriracha: So is her problem that her parents think it's morally wrong to wreck a wasp nest and not that she's going to be stung to death? Asterios: I honestly- I'm gonna tell you both are hazards. There is the moral hazard of like, "Come on, these wasps were just trying to protect their nest." But there's also like, "You don't fuckin' rile up a hornets nest." That's where the colloquialism "hornet's nest" comes from. Sriracha: No that first one is completely in- like throw that in the garbage because wasps are assholes. Asterios: I- yes they are- honey bees at least give us delicious honey! Sriracha: Honey bees don't attack you! Asterios: No! Sriracha: Honey bees are cute and big and they bumble from flower to flower. Asterios: That's why they're called bumble bees! Sriracha: [interjecting] Right, and wasps- Asterios: Wasps are called "asshole bees." Sriracha: Wasps? Like I think their actual like, environmental camouflage is that they look like hone bees. Asterios: Yup. Sriracha: Like they make- they look like they make honey but actually they're super big fat dicks that are ready to fuck you in the eye hole. Asterios: Yup! I'm gonna tell you right now, if you have- Hailey. Sriracha: Hailey. Asterios: If you have the opportunity to take out a wasps nest... Sriracha: Do it. Asterios: You fuckin' do it. Look. A honey bee stings you once and it dies. That honey bee's not gonna sting you unless it is literally to protect the queen. A wasp can sting you like a hundred times and then just fly away and be a sonofabitch. Sriracha: Is that how wasps work? I thought they stung once and died to but- Asterios: Nope, that's not how wasps work. Wasps and hornets can sting multiple times. They will sting you over and over and over again. And then fly home and play Nintendo Wii and be a real sonofabitch. Sriracha: Of course, okay, so we gotta develop a plan. Let's develop a- what's this chick's name? Asterios: Uh, her name is "Hailey" and we have to help her. Sriracha: Hailey. Hailey we gotta just, form a plan, okay luckily, luckily you are human [unintelligible]. We have technology on our side. Asterios: Mhmm, we sure do. Sriracha: I personally... it's Sriracha's official stand-point - and feel free to replicate this if I ever run for office at some point [Asterios laughs] - I think we should kill every wasp dead. In the words of Kendrick Lamar, "Kill 'em all dead bodies in the hallway." I think we should wa- honey bees,totally different thing. I think we should let the honey bees flourish. Wasps, we need to hunt down and murder like genocide. Asterios: Let me tell you what honey bees give us: A- Sriracha: [interjecting] Honey. Asterios: Honey. Delicious. Have you ever had a spoonful o' honey? Sriracha: You ever put it on your face? It clears your acne. Asterios: It clears your acne, if you have a local honey it- local to the region where you live it can help you uh take care of allergies. Sriracha: Yeah I was gonna say, 'cause the honey incorporates the pollen? So if you eat enough honey then you won't be afraid of normal flowers. Asterios: Exactly. Honey Nut Cheerios, fantastic. Sriracha: Delicious. Asterios: Okay, quick question Sriracha. What do you like better? Honey Nut Cheerios, or Frosted Cheerios? Sriracha: Absolutely Honey Nut Cheerios. Asterios: You know what me too 'cause I can eat Frosted Flakes. Sriracha: Right. Asterios: Okay, Honey Nut Cheerios, what do you lo- when you love someone you call them "Honey." You don't call them "Waspy!" Sriracha: Exactly. Asterios: Okay, so we're agreed. Here's what you gotta do to this wasps' nest. Hmmm... okay. Hailey, go into your parent's garage, and find their high-pressure water... Sriracha: The- the thing you use to clear the driveway. Asterios: The thing you use to clear the dri- what- I forget what it's called, but the water- Sriracha: [interjecting] Pressure washer. Asterios: The press
43 minutes | May 9, 2018
#1: I Never Wanna To Grow Up!
Welcome to the very first episode of Asterios Kills a Kid! We've got a site, the sound bits, a sexy thumbnail* – no workflow though! Who's supposed to write these descriptions? I don't know, I'm just the web designer. Ah well, fuck it here I go. In this very first episode of AKAK, Sriracha looks back on her time in girl scouts: particularly on a struggle she had with a girl named Kylie Eickelberg over their troupe crest. I won't tell you how the story ends, but I will say to check back soon for Kylie's phone number and home address. Asterios and Sriracha's first question was from a 13 year old girl. She writes: Hi, I am 13 and now suddenly growing up is a big deal. It has just happened, if you know what I mean. I cry now in my closet hugging my favorite stuffed animals because I just don't want to grow up. The only person I've "talked" to about it is my favorite stuffed animal. I've been playing with ALL my old toys lately, wearing butterfly shirts and watching cartoons. I'd do ANYTHING to be 8 again. Please help me! —Growing Up, 13 If you don't know what DDLG* is, get prepared to immediately repress it. Also, Asterios delivers some good news to everyone out there worrying about growing up: in America, you can stay a child forever. Moving on, Carrie writes: My boyfriend and I have been going for ten llloooooooooonnng months. Recently I've found myself getting irritated with him all the time. He's very clingy, and even though I've talked to him about it, he won't give me space. He liked me for a lot longer than I have liked him and every time he thinks I'm even slightly annoyed with him he feels the need to call me and talk about our feelings. I have been considering breaking up with him for awhile now because I'm just not happy with him any more, but I don't want to regret it later or hurt him because he is very sensitive. —Carrie, 16 Our hosts both agree: get him a super-hobby. And taking on the role of internet historian, Sriracha recounts the sad saga of Chris Chan. Speaking of sad stories, this last boy writes: This year I was pushed forward a grade and now I have no friends in class. I have been trying to make friends, but today at lunch I had a hole in the front of my track pants and "it" flopped out. I was sitting on the floor and the whole class saw. I did not notice until a girl told me. I don't know what to do. I will never make friends now. I tried to convince my mom to home school me and she said no. Help! —Embarrassed, 7 Asterios and Sriracha are divided on how to handle Penis Boy's problem. Asterios shares some elaborate techniques for damage control, while Sriracha's advice is just wait it out and enjoy your smart-kid muffins. --- Do you have any advice for these kids? Let us know in the comments! And if you have a question for Asterios and Sriracha, visit the Submit Question page. * Absolutely NOT pedophilia. --- TRANSCRIPT: [Bye Bye Birdie's "Kids" plays, starting loud, then fading.] Asterios: Alright. What's this podcast we're doing? Sriracha: "Asterios Kills a Kid". Asterios: Oh- I don't- is that the name of it? Sriracha: Yes. Asterios: Okay, I like that name. Originally it was called "Asterios Kokki-Knows". You remember that? Sriracha: Now it's called "Asterios Kokki-Kills a Kid". Asterios: Okay, that's harder to spel- let's just go with "Asterios Kills a Kid". For SEO purposes. Sriracha: [laughs] I like it. Asterios: Because no one's been able to spell "Kokki-Knows". It's, it's not gonna work. Sriracha: Uh, but can they spell "Kokki-Kill a kid?" Asterios: No! They- that's what I'm saying, just "Asterios Kills a Kid." [Sriracha laughs] I like that. Sriracha: I don't know that sets up a whole precedent though like do we have to kill the kids? Or can we just severely injure the kids? Asterios: Well, we're not doing anything. We're just giving advice. Alright so here's how this show works. It's based on a Five Minute Podcast concept, and if you don't know what that is that's not that important. But a listener of mine, named Jesse, every month he would send me real questions from kids. And he would want me to- to answer them! Like the kinds of questions from kids that would be in "Seventeen Magazine" or, uh what are other kid- like "Teen Beat" what- what do kids read I dunno! Sriracha: "Girl... Talk" Asterios: Is that a magazine? Sriracha: No "Girls' Life." That's what it is. Asterios: [interjecting] "Girls' Life?" Sriracha: Yeah. Asterios: Yeah exactly! Which is the worst "Boys' Life". My god. Sriracha: Is "Boys' Life" a thing? Asterios: Yeah "Boys' Life" is great, it would teach you how to like set fires and stuff and... like how to tie tourniquet, and then "Girls' Life" was all like, "Here's the highlighter you'll need to not get bullied this year." Sriracha: Why the fuck [laughs] were they teaching- why would you ever need to tie a tourniquet if you're a 14 year old boy? Asterios: That's what the boy scouts is. The boy scouts is training you for woodland adventures you will never have. Sriracha: What like a James Franco's "148 Hours" situation? Transcriber's Note: the film is actually called "127 Hours" Asterios: Ab-so-lutely, as a kid I learned how to tie a tourniquet in Boy Scouts. They would teach you how to treat severe third degree burns. They would teach you how to tie obscure knots that were used on ships in the seventeen hundreds that you would never need. What did they teach you in girl scouts? Sriracha: I actually was a girl scout and not- our girl scouts did a lot of hiking for some reason? We also did a lot of singing. For [laughs] I don't know why. Asterios: Really? Sriracha: Yes. [laughs] Asterios: Like what would you guys sing like the national anthem or "The Star Spangled Banner?" Sriracha: I have no fucking clue but there was a girl names Kylie Eickelberg [laughs] Asterios: Okay. Sriracha: Kylie Eickelberger, who- oh my god this pissed me off so much, I just have very- one specific weird memory about girl scouts. So when you're a girl scout you have to decide on a troupe crest, right? Asterios: Okay. Sriracha: Between- from like the standard twenty designed embroidered patches that they sell right? Asterios: Mhmm. Sriracha: So, a lot of them were flowers. Specific types of flowers? There was like a unicorn; I was partial to the unicorn. I thought it looked really cute. Asterios: Okay. Sriracha: So one day we had to vote, and Kylie Eickelberger was super popular and for some reason she was like bizarrely obsessed with dogs? Like you know "horse girls" right? Asterios: Yeah! Sriracha: This girl was a dog girl. Asterios: Okay. Sriracha: And one of the flowers there was ugly, but it was called Dogwood. Asterios: [interjecting] Yes! Sriracha: And she convinced the whole troupe to vote for it- I'm like, motherfucker, the only reason you like this is because it has the word "dog" in it you transparent whore. Asterios: Okay: A) That's a little harsh for you to call an eleven year old girl who was- Sriracha: Nah, fuck you! Asterios: Okay: B) It's not like dogwood is shaped like little dogs. It's just ugly— Sriracha: [interjecting] It's ugly white flowers, and the word dogwood was not even printed on the patch. It was just the name of the patch. So we had to wear these ugly-ass dogwood crests for no other reason than the fact that Kylie wanted something with the word "dog." Asterios: Alright, well I guess that's our first bit of advice, like, if Kylie Eickelberger tries to fuck over your troupe with a dumb non-flower crest just go "Fuck you you-" what did you call her? Asterios: [in unison] A transparent whor- Sriracha: [in unison] A transparent bitch. [laughs] Asterios: I think you- what you said was worse than that. Sriracha: Nah I don't think so. Asterios: Alright. So um... Sriracha: Is that doxing? [laughs] Asterios: No, it is. But what- also whatever. Sriracha: No, but she got married so she changed her last name. Asterios: Perfect! And, [sighs] is it really doxing if she's so terrible? I mean— Sriracha: [interjecting] It's just saying her name, I'm not saying she's- well I'm clearly saying she did something wrong, but... fifteen years ago. Asterios: I think you're cool. I mean like, that's a terrible thing to do. And Kylie, if you're listening... email us and apologize. Sriracha: Apologize. Asterios: Alright! Sriracha: Email into the show, we will read your apology on air. Asterios: Yeah. Sriracha: Nobody's gonna to listen to this. Asterios: What are you talking about? Nobody's going to listen to a podcast called "Asterios Kills a Kid?" Sriracha: Asterios Kokki-Kills a- Asterios: Tha- we're not calling it that. That's impossible to google. Sriracha: Kokki-Kills a Kit 'n Kaboodle. Asterios: [laughs] Oh god now you're making it- alright. Bottom line, on this show, which Jesse, again hat-tip he designed the website, he's the reason we're doing this 'cause he, every month he would send different questions from kids. We're gonna answer real questions from kids and we're gonna give them real advice. So this is the kind of podcast that I want you the listener to listen to with your kid. Get your kid. Sit 'em down. 'Cause they're gonna learn valuable lessons. Like, they've already learned like, "Don't fuck up your flowers or fifteen years later podcasters are gonna dox you. Sriracha: I'm just saying- it's not- saying someone's name is not doxing. Asterios: Suuure it's nooot... Sriracha: It's not like I'm saying like, where she works. Asterios: Oooh of course, noo of course- alright look. Let's get to our first question. Sriracha: Ready. Asterios: Here's our first question. These questions were sent to us by Jesse. I've never read them. So... if there's terrible stuff in these questions, blame Jesse. Sriracha: Oh that's great, great podcast setup. [Asterios laughs] Asterios: "Hi, I am 13 and now suddenly growing up is a big deal. It has just happened, if you know what I mean." I don't. Know what that... Sriracha: I- I have no idea and I'm scared now. Asterios:
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