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Episode Info: INTRODUCING THE SCHNITZEL AUDIO NEWSREEL! In This Episode: LEADING THE NEWS TODAY… OCTOBER 29, 2015 THE SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE… IS DEAD.  LONG LIVE THE SPEAKER. FORMER SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES JOHN BOEHNER OF OHIO WAS MURDERED ON THE FLOOR OF THE HOUSE THIS MORNING. HE WAS REPLACED BY WISCONSIN CONGRESSMAN, FORMER VICE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE, AND FORMER WAITER AT POPULAR DC TACO HOUSE, PAUL RYAN. THE MURDER HAPPENED WHEN BOEHNER FOUND HIMSELF SURROUNDED BY MEMBERS OF THE SO-CALLED FREEDOM CAUCUS. HE SEEMED CONFUSED AS HE WAS CONFRONTED BY FIRST ONE AND THEN ANOTHER OF THE CAUCUS MEMBERS. WHEN CONGRESSMAN JIM JORDAN OF THE LATE SPEAKER’S HOME STATE SHOUTED, “SPEAK HANDS FOR ME,” THE CAUCUS MEMBERS PULLED DAGGERS OUT OF THEIR TOGAS AND BEGAN TO STAB BOEHNER REPEATEDLY. BOEHNER FOUGHT BRAVELY UNTIL HE SAW CONGRESSMAN RYAN APPROACHING HIM WITH A DRAWN DAGGER. “ET TU, RYAN? THEN FALL, BOEHNER.” ONCE BOEHNER WAS KILLED, THE CAUCUS DECLARED BOEHNER THE NEW SPEAKER. HE GAVE A BRIEF SPEECH ON THE HOUSE FLOOR, SLIPPERY WITH THE BLOOD OF JOHN BOEHNER. Americans, Congressmen, and Colleagues! hear me for my cause, and be silent, that you may hear: believe me for mine honour, and have respect to mine honour, that you may believe: censure me in your wisdom, and awake your senses, that you may the better judge. If there be any in this assembly, any dear friend of Boehner’s, to him I say, that Ryan’s love to Boehner was no less than his. If then that friend demand why Ryan rose against Boehner, this is my answer: --Not that I loved Boehner less, but that I loved America more. Had you rather Boehner were living and die all slaves to Hillary , than that Boehner were dead, to live with a solid majority in the House and Senate? As Boehner loved me, I weep for him; as he was fortunate, I rejoice at it; as he was valiant, I honour him: but, as he was compromising, I slew him. There is tears for his love; joy for his fortune; honour for his valour; and death for his willingness to compromise. Who is here so base that would be a RINO? If any, speak; for him have I offended. Who is here so rude that would not be a Republican? If any, speak; for him have I offended. Who is here so vile that will not love his country? If any, speak; for him have I offended. I pause for a reply. (CRICKETS) Then none have I offended. I have done no more to Boehner than you shall do to Ryan. The question of Boehner’s death is enrolled in t
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