You can never complain enough about your friends. Friends talk about you behind your back and tell people about your athlete’s foot. They smoke in your house and then bring their dogs over without putting foot gloves on them to keep your floor from getting scratched. When you’re trying to improve your life, your friends are the ones holding you back from a brighter future. Think about it – you’re the sum of the 5 people you spend the most time with. Therefore, the useless garbage that you are today is because of your 5 closest friends – it’s entirely their fault. You’d be a much better person if your closest friends were better people. But they’re not, so you’re stuck in that flesh sack you like to call a body until it rots away. That’s why I’m a part of this show in the first place – I’m committed to complaining about my friends, so I put all my complaints online on stone tablets so no one can doubt my sacrifice. You’ll have an easier time convincing people that the holocaust was real than convincing them that I don’t hate my friends – two unlikely scenarios. The Most Important Reason To Complain About Your Friends The hatred you have for your friends only leads to one logical conclusion – you hate yourself. And you should hate yourself because you’ve never written a book or spoken publicly or been involved in a Hollywood sex scandal: all important markers of success. I heard some liberals say that the best way to stop hating yourself is to take a personality test, analyze your positive and negative personality traits, and then make a plan for your life that multiplies your strengths and minimizes/compensates for your weaknesses. What a bunch of fags. The best way to stop hating yourself is this: don’t. Self-hatred is an important part of a man’s psyche. It’s the thing that drives him to be better (besides sex). Or it drives him to suicide: either option is preferable to watching the Insane Clown Posse movies though, and not in a good way.