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Episode Info: together, the Intimate Connection, in fact, why don’t we get two copies of it and I’ll highlight mine in yellow and you can highlight yours in another color and then we’ll change books and let’s take a look at what hit us as we read Leman’s words in this book, The Intimate Connection? Doug: Why would reading that book help them? Dr. Leman: It covers the waterfront of marriage and what communication’s all about. So many people, Doug, they live in a world of surface communication. When couples sit down to dinner they talk about their children, they talk about work, they talk about politics. Wow. They’ll talk about anything but their relationship. Dr. Leman: That’s staying away from the dental hygienist. That’s allowing the plaque to build. What happens, and again, I’ll go down that analogy again with the dentist, all of a sudden, you’ve got a hot tooth. You’ve got a tooth that’s killing you. It’s a Saturday morning and you’re thinking there’s not a snowball’s chance that that dentist is in the office. You call and by a stroke of luck, he or she is in the office. You’re immediately relieved because you’ve got an emergency on your hands. That’s the way it is in marriage. The build up continues and then all of a sudden, just out of the blue, you get a tooth that blows up on you. That’s when bad things can happen to you. Again, the preventative nature of making sure that you communicate in marriage is well worth it. Doug: Yeah. We’ve told our story, me yelling at Andrea at the top of my lungs that she’s a liar, and realizing that it was communication that I didn’t know how to do with Andrea. When I was upset, and when she clearly intentionally did those evil things to get me upset, right? Andrea: Mm-hmm (affirmative). Doug: I had to have that reframed. Huh. Dr. Leman: Yeah. Check this out everybody, most men don’t like being told what to do. Lesson number one. Don’t tell your husband what to do. My wife is a master at this stuff some days. I mean, some days she’s not but some days she is. Just a statement like, “That yard doesn’t look great over there, does it?” I get it. I get it. Dr. Leman: If she says to me, “[Lemie 00:11:18], look at that yard, that’s a mess. I need you to clean that up.” I’ve got three board meetings in my head at the time, good luck. That’s not going to go well. You learn how to approach each other softly and gently. That’s just part of learning how to handle a glove. You get comfortable. There’s an old song. I’ve grown accustomed to her face, like breathing out and breathing in. Dr. Leman: You want to get to that point in marriage where it’s not a chore to be marriage. It’s a joy to spend time together and you want to work toward that unison of thought and feeling. You don’t lose your personality in that. You’re not losing your individuality. I’ve had so many women tell me, “I could never do that. I would lose who I am.” Lady, you’ve watched too many soap operas in your life. You really want to work toward oneness. Dr. Leman: I’m going to bring up the S word and I know it’s not popular, but submission is not an evil word. It’s not a four letter word. It’s a great word for you to understand if you’re married. You need to be, are you ready for it, if you’re driving, hold onto the wheel, submissive to one another. I know that has negative connotations for you. There has to be a certain openness and a vulnerability if you really want to have real communication and oneness in your marriage. It’s getting to a point where you feel comfortable. Dr. Leman: It takes time. I always say my advice to parents who are parenting kids, hey, you have to really practice. You have to get good at this stuff. It takes a while. If you’re one of those people that’s deterred by instant failure at something, good luck. You have to have the commitment that even though we’re going to experience some rough roads here, we’re committed to making this thing work. I think if two people are like mind and spirit they can make anything work. Doug: It’s the part of the show where I get to tell you about the new ebook that’s on sale and as well as the Straight Talk with Dr. Leman, and then we’ll be back to the rest of the show. The ebook this week is Have a New Sex Life by Friday, May 7-13, ebook version, $1.99. Now, Straight Talk by Dr. Leman. Dr. Leman: Let’s talk about a word purposive. That’s a word you haven’t used today. You haven’t used this week, this month, or probably this year. It’s not a word that easily sneaks it way into our vocabulary. It’s actually a psychological word derived from the School of Individual Psychology, who Alfred Adler, who was a psychologist in Vienna many years ago, brought to our attention. Dr. Leman: This is to say that every social behavior your child engages in serves a purpose in a child’s life. All kids start off in life as attention getters, and they’re either going to get positive attention or negative attention. When a kid throws a temper tantrum or has a meltdown, what’s the purpose or nature of the behavior? That’s what I want you to ask yourself. Dr. Leman: The nature of the behavior is to show you that they are in authority over you, that they’re the ones that run the family. Again, I’m here to tell you that there’s kids shorter than a yard stick that are in full control of their families today. The next time your kid acts up or gives you that defiant look, and by the way, that kids that gives you the defiant look and then slams the door, and says, “You never let me do anything,” there’s your powerful child. Again, you have a powerful child, there’s a powerful parent nearby. Dr. Leman: Power does not work in bringing up children today, but being in healthy authority over them and being a person with limits does a lot for a kid’s self esteem. Kids want boundaries. Purposive behavior, it serves a purpose in a child’s life. For the powerful child, he simply says I only count when I dominate, win, and control. Of course, the attention getter says I only count in life when I put other people in my service or I get attention. Dr. Leman: In fact, you don’t even want me talking about the revengeful child. They’re around. Many of them at juvenile court in teenage years. They’re the ones whose mantra in life is I feel hurt by life therefore I have a right to strike out at others. Hope you don’t have one of those at home. Take care. Have a great day, and watch out for purposive behavior. Doug: Dr. Leman I have to ask- Dr. Leman: By the way, before we get rolling, that little $1.99 thing on Have a New Sex Life by Friday, I mean, that is a great complimentary book to the Intimate Connection. I want everybody to think about your sex life for a minute, okay? Don’t get real excited, anybody, I just want you to think about your sex life. Is it true that your sex life is a microcosm look at your relationship? You tell me. Email us. Give us a voicemail. Dr. Leman: Rarely do you see a couple, and I’ve been at this a long, long time. I really can’t think of a couple who I dealt with who said, “We have a tremendous sex life. It is just the best there is, but we’re getting a divorce.” I don’t think I’ve ever heard that out of somebody’s mouth. Is sex important? Very. Do sexual needs change over time? They do. Do couples need to make adjustments for such things? Obviously. Dr. Leman: That is for $1.99. I’m amazed they give these things away for $1.99. You can’t get anything for $1.99, but I won’t go into a rant and berate my publisher. They’re good people. They’re just trying to help us. The complement book to The Intimate Connection would certainly be Have a New Sex Life by Friday. Lots of great information in there. Dr. Leman: Again, this is an area where people don’t talk very freely about sex. I mention many times that one of the lowest selling Leman books is actually a very great book, I think. It’s got a great title, called A Chicken’s Guide to Talking Turkey to Your Kids About Sex. How many people got up this morning and said, “I’d like to talk to my daughter about sex today or my son? Again, listen to these offers that Doug and Andrea give you. Take advantage of those. Again, there’s a short window where you have to get online and get that book for $1.99. Do your marriage a favor and download it on your husband’s app or on his appliance and download it on yours. You both have it. There it is. Andrea: Dr. Leman, this is a parenting podcast really, so could you just give us a little synopsis why communication between the parents, why are we spending so much time on this, on a parenting podcast? Why is that important? Dr. Leman: It’s the foundation. I always said that beautiful cathedrals are built one brick at a time. You’re laying the foundation for your entire family as you set out on the sea of life on your little family love boat. The hands on deck are watching how the captain and co-captain of the good ship family behave and how they talk to teach other. Dads, you represent what men are all about to your daughters, and mommies, you represent the flip side of that. They’re always taking notes on how you behave and how you speak to each other. Dr. Leman: By becoming one in marriage, you are encouraging the children to be honest and forthright with you, because each of those kids are going to see life differently. I mentioned getting behind the eyes of your spouse. You’re going to have to get behind the eyes of each of your kids to understand where they’re coming from as they look at their family in terms of their birth order, their beliefs, their themes that run through their life. By themes, I’m talking about I only count in life when I win, when I dominate, when I control, or when I please other people, or when I get other people’s attention. That’s what I’m talking about when I talk about themes. Dr. Leman: Andrea, it all ties together beautifully. You help your whole family by … They always tell you on the airplane, put your mask on first if you’re traveling with somebody much younger or much older than you. In other words, you’ve got to get yourself in gear before you’re able to help other people. It’s as simple as that. Andrea: I have a friend who has told me that she and her husband live pretty much separate lives and she’s given up trying to communicate with him and she’s just focused on the four kids. She’s got two daughters heading off to college. She’s still got some kids in middle school and high school, and she says, “I’ve just resigned myself, I’m going to focus on the kids until they’re all gone and then I’ll work on my marriage.” Is there hope for somebody like that? Dr. Leman: No. How’s that for a quick answer? See, I understand the frustration of that. I’ve tried everything with this man, I’ve bought books, I’ve gone to seminars, I’ve bought him videos. There’s just no connection there. What’s a mother to do? She invests herself in her kids lives. She becomes super mom. She’s the one that’s there for the kids. She’s the encourager, she’s the praiser, which isn’t good. You want to be an encourager, not a praiser, as a reminder, but she does it all. Dr. Leman: Her husband, he’s a bread winner in part. He’s there. If sex happens, it’s only out of guilt. It certainly isn’t enjoyable. It’s probably in her mind, a way of satisfying him and giving herself some reprieve for several days or a couple weeks or a month. I hear all these stories from couples. We have sex once a month. We have sex three times a year. I mean, my goodness. That’s a marriage? I don’t think so. Dr. Leman: When you ask what’s the probability of suc- … There’s none. She’s going to live the marriage singles lifestyle, as I call it. Something bad’s going to happen, real bad. What are you talking about? Real bad? Since this husband never had communication with you, for whatever reason. Again, I’m not saying it’s somebody’s fault. I’m just saying communication wasn’t there. Now he’s, let’s make him mid-40s, which is great time for a little crisis in a man’s life or a woman’s life. Dr. Leman: Someone simply compliments him at work on his sweater that he’s got on, and before long, this man sort of gravitates and for whatever reason, he feels listened to by this woman and he feels respected by this woman. Before long, they’re sleeping together and they got a full blown affair. It happens that she’s married and he’s married. It happens across the US and Canada daily. Dr. Leman: Now there’s a marriage break up. Here’s the kicker. I’m just being as pragmatic as I can. This man and this woman who met in very negative ways, they both violate their marriage vow. I mean, I’m just telling you, that some of those people go on and have great relationships with this new found lover, who they end up marrying, sometimes they have kids with, and their life’s all of a sudden on track. Look at the carnage left behind on both sides of those families, and guess who gets to pay for all that? Dr. Leman: Some people are not going to like what I just said, okay? I’m just telling you that’s the reality of what happens to people. They find new loves, they find new people that just are in sync with in terms of communication. Communication is the glue. It’s the peanut butter and jelly of the sandwich, and if you don’t have it, get ready for a lonely life. People might look at you as a really nice couple because you’re both very nice people. Inside you’re dying. Andrea: If I were one of those ladies, I would think at this point, maybe I need to back off on all the activities I’m doing with the kids and take this book seriously, Intimacy, and start focusing on my husband. Doug: Okay, my job is to make sure that we stay on- Andrea: On time. Doug: Time. I apologize. We want to keep going. Andrea: I’m just wrapping up. Doug: Oh, you’re wrapping up? We can keep going and I’ll just say I met with a guy yesterday and this was his story exactly. They couldn’t communicate and they divorced. He’s heartbroken over it. The reason that I keep telling you you need to go get these books and read them, is because it changed our marriage as well as our parenting, and like when Dr. Leman told me, “The words you choose will define your relationship,” it’s these types of things that you read the books, you get the concepts, you apply them, they work, and your marriage gets better. Doug: Go buy this book, Intimate Connections, and you will thank me a bazillion times over, that now I have the knowledge, now I have the concepts, now I have the ability to do it. Please, please, please, for the sake of your kids, for future generations and everybody, go, go, go do this. We are so glad that you guys hung out with us. That book is now available everywhere books are sold. Go get it and in 6 months I expect an email you saying, “Thank you, Doug, for convincing us to get that book and how it changed our life.” We’re glad to be with you and we look forward to the next time we get to hang out with you and add to that parenting tool box. Andrea: Have a great day. Doug: Bye bye. .........
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