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Episode Info: know. We chose to invest our time with each other and our children. Now we’re old, okay. Dr. Leman: Now Sandy and I this Saturday are taking our two grandchildren who are 15 and 13 to the monster truck whatever that is. We’re doing the monster truck event in Tucson. I know you’re laughing. I’m laughing too. It’s loud, I wear hearing aids, it’s going to probably take me about two feet off my seat. Now this is unique part about this event, neither of the grandchildren know they’re going. We’re picking them up ostensibly to take them to lunch. Well once we drive all the way downtown they’re going to think, wow we’re driving a long way to go to lunch, where are we going? Oh, you’ll see and we’ll pull in that parking lot at the community center and they’re going to think wait a minute, what’s going on. I mean they’re old enough to figure out somethings going on. I have no idea what the monster truck event is going to be like. The chances of me really liking it I believe are slim but we want to do some things with our grandchildren. Dr. Leman: I guess what I’m saying is the commitment comes from within you as parents. Do you really want to be a difference maker in life? Do you want to be a difference maker in your kids life? Do you want to put that indelible imprint on your kids life? Then you’re the one that puts that emotion. Doug: So Dr. Leman if I’m going to invest in buying the book Intimate Connection and if I’m going to then try and apply these principals, what’s my payoff? Dr. Leman: Just knowing how many 15 years text you during the day and says grandpa, I love you. I mean how many of you have those deep, wonderful, meaningful relationships where your kids will call you and say hey, can I run something by you? What does that say about you? What does that say about your relationship? It says that you’ve paved the way for a trusting relationship where even later in life your kids covet your input. That’s how much you’re respected and loved. So the benefits are multiple at every level. I mean life is short, some of you as you grow older you’ll figure that out. Your parents probably said that to you in one form or another, it’s true. My daughter has a little linen in her kitchen that says, oh my goodness, everything my mother said was right. Doug: Well we’re going to continue this in just a moment. But now Dr. Leman I’d love a straight talk moment with you that helps us around parenting that we’d get from, maybe one from the Intimate Connection book. Free talk with Dr. Leman. Dr. Leman: You know intimacy eludes most of us. It’s just easy to live that arms length relationship. You don’t have to put much effort into it. But wow, the results are really different. If you do put and invest in your marriage you’ll never regret it. I give it you gentlemen, I know they’re weird. My wife has so many pair of shoes, I can’t even count them. I own one pair of shoes. I get that they’re weird. I’ll be ready in just five minutes. Actually 27 minutes, I timed it the other day. Honey, I just have to brush my teeth. Nine minutes later she was in the car. They’re weird, they’re strange, they lie like dogs. But they’re women, they’re wonderful, feminine women and you are lucky as a man to share life this wonderful creature. I’m just telling you if you just work hard at getting behind her eyes and seeing how she sees life and really knock yourself out to know what her needs are and some of them are strange. Dr. Leman: My wife likes her back scratched, S shaped. That’s her favorite, S shaped, I want an S shape. Back and forth, I feel like a snake, like a viper on her back going back and forth. Then she really likes it backhand. Well how did I learn that? Through trial and error. Through instruction, from listening to her. So getting behind your wife’s eyes and ladies getting behind your husbands eyes, he’s not a girlfriend, don’t put a skirt on him. He’s a man. Some of us men don’t mind walking out the door with just one spot on our tee shirts, not the end of the world. Let him be the man he is. Let him go hunting and fishing or whatever his thing is. Love him as a man. Speak well of him always speak well of him in front of your children, in front of others. You will reap the benefit as you strive to become one in marriage. Dr. Leman: Read the Intimate Connection, now there’s an investment that will pay off. Doug: Thanks Dr. Leman and we, Andrea and I and younger have this story in our head that says if we give our kids everything they will be happy. If we do this and we do that and we do that. I’ve seen that the marriage, I’ve actually had friends of ours say, hey I’m going to deal with my marriage after the kids are gone. Is that good advice or bad advice? Dr. Leman: It’s amazing to me, I’ve dealt with a lot of people with tragedies with their kids and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard it said, I just don’t understand why he would do that or why she’d do that. We gave him everything he every wanted. What a mistake to give your kids everything they ever wanted. You know you’re not Santa Clause you don’t snowplow the roads of life for kids. You’re the parent, be an authority. You earn the respect of your children every day and sometimes kids need yeses and sometimes they need lots of encouragement. More than other days, some days just a little encouragement will do it. Other days they need a lot but they don’t need the things they need you. They need your time, they need your love, they need your appreciation for who they are. They need for you to be able to communicate with them. Don’t worry about things. Things are the least important thing that your kids needs from you. Doug: So Dr. Leman, Steph Curry’s wife, I can’t remember her name, recently came out and said we make sure that we have time for us first and our kids later. Is that good advice or bad advice? Dr. Leman: I always said that kids need to be like Avis rent a car, number two and trying harder. It’s true, mom and dad. You know my advice in one of the parent book, I can’t remember which one is when a newborn comes into your family. Especially your first born. Within the first two weeks of life you leave the baby at home and go out for dinner by yourselves. The reason I say that is it sets a pattern for you as a couple that you can be a couple. You’re not always going to be there for your children and you need to make sure that the marriage is flourishing because that’s the foundation for your entire family. As we documented today if the marriage doesn’t go well, the kids pay for it in many ways. Doug: I think my final question is I’m thinking about the book Intimate Connection and how we have had people have fear, like if I change and I start loving them, they’ll just take advantage of me. What would you say to the person who would say that in my marriage? Dr. Leman: Well they have a rather myopic view. Just loving kids is many times interpreted as just doing things for children and that’s really not loving them. Love without discipline is incomplete, you have to remember that. I know where you were going with that. But you have to realize that love is a combination of being respectful and being a good listener and the loving on them as some parents would say, yes that’s very much a part of it. You want kids to feel loved but you don’t want them to feel entitled. If you take a look around North America today and look at our families you’ll see that most kids are entitled. You owe me. They don’t want to work for anything. Dr. Leman: You know I’m the guy that wrote the book Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours. Well I’ve often said do you make children mind? No. But you set up situations where a kid figures out you know I money ahead to go with the program than be fighting city hall at all times. So what we’re asking you to do parents is have balance. Let your no be no, your yes be yes. Don’t be afraid to correct kids. Don’t be afraid to be the parent that you are. Doug: Well thank you Dr. Leman and the reason Andrea and I do this podcast is because A, these books have helped us out so much and we want parents to flourish in all that we’re doing. A week from this podcast release, April 30th the Intimate Connection comes out. My final ask to you is, it’s hard to decide to buy a book and to say I want to affect change. To that person who is struggling in their marriage, what would be the final thing you would say to them about why this book will help them? Dr. Leman: I’d say how’s life working out for you? If you’re really having these thoughts of leaving your husband, leaving your wife, you’re looking at other women or looking at other men. There’s an unhappiness and a loneliness when you lay your head on the pillow at night, there’s hope. I’ve been a part of changing millions of lives, quite frankly. Lots and lots of marriages, thousands and thousands of marriages and so many of them have started by someone simply picking up a Leman book. Doug: Thank you, thank you, thank you. Well, Andrea and I we don’t get a cut of these books. We don’t get 1.0% of any books you sell. I just know that they help you so much. They’ve helped us, they’ve helped our marriage. They’ve helped our parenting which is why I always bring them up because it’s hard to decide to buy a book but it is such a small investment for massive reward. So highly, highly, highly encourage you to do it. I also want to remind you this weeks is Planet Middle School for $1.99, April 23 through 29 on ebook version and we look forward to the next time we get to hang out with you and keep adding to that parenting tool box so you can love those kids more and more. Andrea: Have a great week. Doug: Look forward to next time, bye bye. .........
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