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Episode Info:

Today, I want to talk about who can heal your pain after infidelity. You’ll learn who really can help heal the pain, who doesn’t have the power to help, and what you can do if you’re stuck feeling unable to move past the hurt.

I dive into the topic by telling you about a contact that I recently received from a spouse who had been cheated on and wanted to be seen individually. There was nothing alarming about this at first, but the person then shared something troubling: a therapist had told this person that seeking individual help to overcome the pain was needed before the couple could healthily recover together.

The first issue that I have with this is that sending one partner off to seek help alone is very difficult. I talk about how it takes so much courage to trust anyone after infidelity and that isolating sends a bad message to the hurt partner. 

The second issue I have is that many therapists have the assumption that the pain after infidelity is individual and, therefore, the hurting individual is capable of fixing it. You must remember that forgiveness is a journey that both sides need to go on and that it needs to be earned.

The third issue I have is the sense that hurt partners who are not ready to forgive are considered unable to surrender to the process. I provide my opinion that surrender should not be expected because the situation that the couple has found themselves in is not a war. 

Therapy is not a body shop where you check your problematic spouse in to get fixed. The betraying partner needs to understand that they are the person who will help the healing.

Links mentioned in this episode: 

It's Okay to Stay - Idit's Online Course Waitlist

Idit’s It’s Okay to Stay Facebook group

Book: How Can I Forgive You / by Janis Abrahms Spring, PhD


To send us questions you'd like answered in a future podcast:

Please write your question in one paragraph (no more than 5 sentences) in the following format and email 

  1. Type of relationship (marriage, dating, etc.)
  2. Length of relationship
  3. Your story + your question to Idit Sharoni 
  4. Remember, you will absolutely remain anonymous 

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