The Bible Goes West, by J.E. Tucker The Family of Jacob and Jacob’s Fight With The Stranger. Genesis 14 1 Jacob developed a drinking problem. 2 After his claim to the family land was refused, Jacob wondered from saloon to saloon consummating with every whore he could; and some smaller, slower, animals. 3 Jacob found a saloon so sordid you could enter the rear in both saloon and prostitute. 4 He spent many nights exploring many carnal pleasures. Eventually he got to known the women of the brothel by name and one woman well, Rachel. 5 Rachel was one hell of a whore. Knees calloused from use, boobs the size of cannon shot, a butt you could clean your gun on. 6 He kissed her many times on her upper and lower lips. And soon Rachel was with child. 7 Rachel gave birth to Jojo; and then Benji. Jacob loved his family for a few years but drinking and floozin’ caught up with him. 8 Jacob had been foolin’ around with Female Billy and she had two offspring by Jacob: Dan Boy and Droopy face. 9 Jacob was also sleeping with Female Billy’s sister, Zippy. She had that thickness Jacob could not ignore. They had two stupid children named Gad and Asher. 10 Before all this, Jacob already had 5 children with a woman by the name of Leah. Jacob only knew two of their names. 11 One night, after hours of drinking and calling out to young women, Jacob noticed there were many carriages stopped outside his home. 12 Not knowing who was on his property Jacob readied his irons but was too drunk to load them properly. 13 With both guns half loaded, Jacob kicked open his door and began to fire wildly into the living room. 14 He sprayed bullets sporadically, never knowing if his weapons would fire deadly lead or just click, providing no satisfaction. 15 The smoked cleared and there sat Jacob’s five ladies, looking angry as a hog with no slop. 16 Rachel said to Jacob, You lying cheat! And Rachel threw the tea pot at his head, barely missing. 17 Female Billy charged at him, her nails scratching at his flesh exchanging his sin for pain. 18 Zippy followed her sister with a hot-iron and brought it to Jacob’s head. 19 Leah, who had been standing over the violence with great glee, stopped the assault. She walked over to Jacob’s bruised and bloodied body. 20 Leah bent and whispered in his ear, I thought there were no others?